Boundaries in Marriage By Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

Transcription

1 Bundaries in Marriage By Dr. Henry Clud & Dr. Jhn Twnsend A Tale f Tw Cuples Mst f us have n greater desire and prayer than a lifetime f lve and cmmitment t ne persn with whm we can share life. Marriage is ne f Gd s greatest gifts t humanity. It is the mystery f living as ne flesh with anther human being (Ephesians 5:31-32). Marriage is first and fremst abut lve. It is bund tgether by the care, need, cmpaninship, and values f tw peple, which can vercme hurt, immaturity, and selfishness t frm smething better than what each persn alne can prduce. Lve is at the heart f marriage, as it is at the heart f Gd himself (1 Jhn 4:16). Yet, lve is nt enugh. The marriage relatinship needs ther ingredients t grw and thrive. Thse ingredients are freedm and respnsibility. When tw peple are free t disagree, they are free t lve. When they are nt free, they live in fear, and lve dies: Perfect lve drives ut fear (1 Jhn 4:18). And when tw peple tgether take respnsibility t d what is best fr the marriage, lve can grw. When they d nt, ne takes n t much respnsibility and resents it; the ther des nt take n enugh and becmes self-centered r cntrlling. Freedm and respnsibility prblems in a marriage will cause lve t struggle. When peple grw in character, they grw in the ability t set and receive bundaries in their marriages, and they mature. When they resist hearing the wrd n, they remain immature. Many peple believe that as we humans grw up physically, we autmatically grw up emtinally as well, but that s simply nt true. Age is a necessary but insufficient requirement fr grwing up. There are immature ld peple, and there are apprpriately mature yung peple. Tday is the day t wrk n yur wn bundaries in marriage. As the Bible teaches, make the mst f tday, fr the days are evil (Ephesians 5:16). What yu take initiative t deal with tday will affect the rest f yur married life. And what yu ignre r are afraid t address will d the same. Bundaries in Marriage is nt abut fixing, changing, r punishing yur mate. If yu aren t in cntrl f yurself, the slutin is nt learning t cntrl smene else. The slutin is learning self-cntrl, ne f the nine fruits f the Spirit (Galatians 5:23). S dn t lk at this bk as a way t make smene else grw up. It is mre abut taking wnership f yur wn life s that yu are prtected and yu can lve and prtect yur spuse withut enabling r rescuing him r her. Chapter One- What s a Bundary, Anyway? The Imprtance f Bundaries The issues are different fr many cuples, but the perplexity is ften the same. One spuse feels smething is missing, but she can t figure ut what it is. She tries t d the right things. She gives, sacrifices, hnrs the cmmitment, and believes the best. And yet she desn t achieve intimacy, r wrse than that, she desn t avid pain.

2 In sme cases, the cnfusin hides itself behind the simplistic explanatins that prblems such as addictin, irrespnsibility, cntrl, r abuse prvide. In ther cases, there may be n prblems, but the marriage des nt live up t the prmise that ne r bth f the partners had in the beginning. Cmmitment may be strng, but lve, intimacy, and deep sharing are nt present. Why des this happen with tw peple wh are s cmmitted t the relatinship? When bundaries are nt established in the beginning f a marriage, r when they break dwn, marriages break dwn as well. Or such marriages dn t grw past the initial attractin and transfrm int real intimacy. They never reach the true knwing f each ther and the nging ability t abide in lve and t grw as individuals and as a cuplethe lng-term fulfillment that was Gd s design. Fr this intimacy t develp and grw, there must be bundaries. What is a bundary? In the simplest sense, a bundary is a prperty line. It dentes the beginning and end f smething. Ownership In relatinships, wnership is als very imprtant. If I knw where the bundaries are in ur relatinship. I knw wh wns things such as feelings, attitudes, and behavirs as well. I knw t whm they belng. And if there is a prblem with ne f thse, I knw t whm the prblem belngs as well. A relatinship like marriage requires each partner t have a sense f wnership f himself r herself. The first way in which clarifying bundaries helps us is t knw where ne persn ends and the ther begins. What is the prblem, and where is it? Is it in yu, r is it in me? Once we knw the bundaries, we knw wh shuld be wning whichever prblem we are wrestling with. Respnsibility Bundaries help us t determine wh is respnsible fr what. If we understand wh wns what, we then knw wh must take respnsibility fr it. If we can discver wh is respnsible fr what, we have an pprtunity fr change. If we can see that the prblem is ur prblem and that we are respnsible fr it, then we are in the driver s seat f change. Fr the first time, we are empwered. Respnsibility als invlves actin. If smething is ging t happen, it s ging t happen because we take actin. We need t change sme attitudes, r behavirs, r reactins, r chices. We must actively participate in the reslutin f whatever relatinal prblem we might have, even if it is nt ur fault. Each spuse must take respnsibility fr the fllwing things: Feelings Attitudes Behavirs Chices Limits Desires Thughts Values Talents Lve

3 Respnsibility tells us we are the nes wh must wrk thrugh ur feelings and learn hw t feel differently. Our attitudes-nt thse f ur spuse-cause us t feel distressed and pwerless. Hw we behave and react is part f the prblem and we have t change these patterns. We allw urselves t get pushed beynd certain limits and then becme resentful r pwerless. We d nt turn desires int accmplished gals, r we d nt deal with ur sick desires. Respnsibility empwers us t have a gd life. T give Adam and Eve the respnsibility Gd gave them was t empwer them t have the life all f us desire-ne filled with lve, wnderful surrundings, and lts f pprtunities t use ur abilities and talents. He gave them the ability and the pprtunity t make the life they chse. When they did nt chse in a life-giving way, they als bre the respnsibility fr that chice as well, just as we d. But the gd news f bundaries is that Gd s plan f respnsibility has nt changed. We are nt at the mercy f ur spuse s behavir r prblems. Each spuse can act bth t avid being a victim f the ther spuse s prblems and, better yet, t change the marriage relatinship itself. The prcess always begins with taking respnsibility fr yur wn part in the prblem. Freedm Gd designed the entire creatin fr freedm. We were nt meant t be enslaved by each ther; we were meant t lve each ther freely. Gd designed us t have freedm f chice as we respnded t life, t ther peple, t Gd, and t urselves. But when we turned frm Gd, we lst ur freedm. We became enslaved t sin, t self-centeredness, t ther peple, t guilt, and t a whle hst f ther dynamics. Bundaries help us t realize ur freedm nce again. Listen t the way that Paul tells the Galatians t set bundaries against any type f cntrl and becme free: It was fr freedm that Christ set us free; therefre keep standing firm and d nt be subject again t a yke f slavery (Galatians 5:1) Gd tells us t nt be subject t any kind f enslaving cntrl at all. The Triangle f Bundaries Three realities have existed since the beginning f time: 1. Freedm 2. Respnsibility 3. Lve Gd created us free. He gave us respnsibility fr ur freedm. And as respnsible free agents, we are tld t lve him and each ther. This emphasis runs thrughut the whle Bible. When we d these three things-live free, take respnsibility fr ur wn freedm, and lve Gd and each ther-then life, including marriage, can be an Eden experience. Smething incredible happens as these three ingredients f relatinship wrk tgether. As lve grws, spuses becme mre free frm the things that enslave: self-centeredness, sinful patterns, past hurts, and ther self-impsed limitatins. Then, they gain a greater and greater sense f self-cntrl and respnsibility. As they act mre respnsibly, they becme mre lving. And then the cycle begins all ver again. As lve grws s des freedm, leading t mre respnsibility, and t mre lve. This is why a cuple wh has been married fr fifty r mre years can say that the marriage gets better and better as time ges n. They becme mre free t be themselves as a result f being lved, and the lve relatinship deepens.

4 Where there is n freedm, there is slavery, and where there is slavery, there will be rebellin. Als, where there is n respnsibility, there is bndage. Where we d nt take wnership and d what we are suppsed t d with ur wn stuff, we will be stuck at a certain level f relatinship, and we will nt be able t g deeper. Lve can nly exist where freedm and respnsibility are perating. Lve creates mre freedm that leads t mre respnsibility, which leads t mre and mre ability t lve. Prtectin Yu need prtective bundaries that yu can put up when evil is present and can let dwn when the danger is ver. Self-Cntrl There is a lt f misunderstanding abut bundaries. Sme peple are against bundaries because they see them as selfish; ther peple actually use them t be selfish. Bth are wrng. Bundaries are basically abut self-cntrl. My client culd nt say t her husband, Yu can t speak t me that way. This demand is unenfrceable. But she culd say what she wuld r wuld nt d if he spke t her that way again. She culd set a bundary n herself. She culd say, If yu speak t me that way, I will walk ut f the rm. This threat is ttally enfrceable because it has t d with her. She wuld be setting a bundary with the nly persn she culd cntrl: herself. If smene trespasses yur persnal bundaries in sme way, yu can take cntrl f yurself and nt allw yurself t be cntrlled, r hurt, anymre. This is self-cntrl. And ultimately, self-cntrl serves lve, nt selfishness. We hpe that when yu take cntrl f yurself, yu will lve better and mre purpsefully and intentinally s that yu and yur spuse can have the intimacy yu desire. Examples f Bundaries Gd has equipped us with special bundaries fr the interpersnal realm. Wrds The mst basic bundary is language. Yur wrds help define yu. They tell the ther persn wh yu are, what yu believe, what yu want, and what yu dn t. Here are sme examples f wrds being used as bundaries: N, I dn t want t d that. N, I wn t participate in that. Yes, I want t d that. I will. I like that. I dn t like that. Yur wrds, r lack f them, define yu t anther persn.

5 Truth Truth is anther imprtant bundary. Gd s truth and principles prvide the bundaries f ur existence, and as we live within this truth, we are safe. Here are sme truths that help define the structure f hw we are t relate: D nt lie. D nt cmmit adultery. D nt cvet. Give t thers. Lve ne anther. Be cmpassinate. Frgive. As we structure ur relatinships arund Gd s eternal truths, ur relatinships succeed and thrive. When we crss these bundaries, we lst the security that truth prvides. In additin, being hnest and truthful abut urselves and what is ging n in a relatinship prvides bundaries. Nt being truthful t ne anther gives a false impressin f where we are, as well as wh we are. If we are nt being truthful with each ther, ur real relatinship ges int hiding. Then, instead f ne real relatinship, we have tw relatinships: the utside relatinship, which is false; and the inside, hidden relatinship, which is true. Intimacy is lst, and s is lve. Lve and truth must exist tgether. Cnsequences Gd has given us the Law f Swing and Reaping t cmmunicate what is acceptable and what is nt. If we just use wrds, thers smetimes d nt get the message. In fact, peple in denial are deaf t wrds f truth. They nly respnd t pain and lss. Cnsequences shw where ur bundary line is. Sme spuses need severe cnsequences like separatin. Others need less severe nes, like the fllwing, t define imprtant bundaries: Canceling a credit card Leaving fr the party alne when the perpetually late partner desn t cme hme by the agreed upn departure time Ging ahead and eating dinner when a spuse is late fr the thusandth time Ending an abusive cnversatin Refusing t bail smene ut f a jam because f perpetual irrespnsibility, like verspending r nt cmpleting wrk n time. Emtinal Distance Smetimes ne f the partners in a hurtful relatinship is nt willing t change. The partner cntinues t d hurtful things. Or, smetimes a spuse may have betrayed a trust r had an affair, and even thugh he has repented, nt enugh time has passed fr the spuse t prve himself trustwrthy. In these situatins, trust may nt be wise. But it is prudent t cntinue t interact in the relatinship and t wrk the prblem ut. Guarding ne s heart might include saying the fllwing: I lve yu, but I dn t trust yu. I can t be that clse until we wrk this ut. When yu can be kind, we can be clse again. When yu shw yu are serius abut getting sme help, I will feel safe enugh t pen up t yu again. I can t share deep feelings if yu are ging t punish me fr them.

6 In these instances, the cuple has a cmmitment t wrk n things alng with the wisdm t guard the heart with sme emtinal distance until it is safe and prudent t mve clser. This prevents further hurt and deteriratin f the relatinship. We cautin yu, hwever, that yu must take this stance nly with a pure heart. Impure hearts use bundaries t act ut feelings such as revenge and anger. Because nne f us is pure, we have t search ur mtives fr establishing bundaries t make sure that they serve lve and nt ur impure mtives. Using distance r withdrawal f lve, fr example, t punish the ther is a sign that we are setting bundaries nt t reslve the cnflict, but t get revenge. Physical Distance Smetimes, when all else fails, peple must get away frm each ther until the hurt can stp. Distance can prvide time t prtect, time t think, time t heal, and time t learn new things. In severe cases, prtective separatin prevents actual danger. Physical distance can be minimal, r mre significant: Remving neself frm an argument r heated situatin Taking sme time away frm ne anther t srt things ut Mving ut t get treatment fr an addictin Separating frm physical abuse r substance abuse Mving int a shelter t prtect children These bundaries prtect the marriage and the spuse frm further harm. Other Peple Gd has always prvided help frm his family t thse wh need it. Here are sme ways: Use a third party t help yu reslve cnflict. Use a third party t help yu prtect and supprt yurself. Use a grup fr healing and strengthening. Use thers t teach yu bundaries. Use cunselrs, friends, r pastrs t prvide the safe place t wrk n difficult issues. Use shelters in extreme situatins. Take care, hwever, that ther peple are helping and nt hurting. Other peple may be unhelpful if they help yu hide frm cnflict instead f trying t reslve it. Time Time is anther bundary that structures difficulties in relatinships. Sme peple need time t wrk ut a cnflict r t limit the cnflict itself: Give yurself an alltted time t talk abut certain things: We will discuss ur budget fr ne hur, and then we will leave it alne until next week. Set a certain time t wrk n a particular issue instead f discussing it in the heat f the mment. Establish seasns fr certain gals: This summer we will wrk n ur cmmunicatin, and in the fall wrk n ur sexual difficulties. Bundaries are nly built and established in the cntext f relatinship. T run frm a relatinship as the first step f bundaries is nt t have bundaries at all. It is a defense against develping bundaries with anther persn. The nly place bundaries are real is within relatinship.

7 Chapter Tw- Applying the Ten Laws f Bundaries t Marriage Law #1: The Law f Swing and Reaping The Law f Swing and Reaping, simply put, means that ur actins have cnsequences. When we d lving, respnsible things, peple draw clse t us. When we are unlving r irrespnsible, peple withdraw frm us by emtinally shutting dwn, r aviding us, r eventually leaving the relatinship. Gd designed marriage t be a place nt nly f lve, but f grwth. One pathway t grwth is learning that actins have cnsequences. Since marriage is such a clse, lngterm relatinship, spuses deeply affect each ther with their actins. It is an act f lve t allw ur spuse t reap the effects f his selfishness r irrespnsibility-unless, f curse, we are acting ut f revenge r a desire t see ur spuse suffer. Bundaries are the key t beying this Law f Swing and Reaping. When we set and keep limits with ur spuse, we are saying t him, I may lve yu, but I m nt paying fr yur prblems. Refusing t rescue yur spuse-such as by refusing t cheer him up when he is puting, sacrificing t pay ff his credit card bill, calling in sick fr him when he has been ut partying the night befre-helps keep the prblem with him. This first law is played ut in the tw main areas f marriage: relatinship and functin. The relatinal part f marriage invlves the emtinal tie tw peple have t each ther, such as hw deeply cnnected they are and hw they feel abut each ther, bth psitively and negatively. The functinal part f marriage has t d with the ding aspects f the relatinship, such as paying bills, managing time, cking meals, keeping huse, and rearing children. In the relatinal aspect f marriage, swing and reaping has t d with hw spuses affect and impact each ther s heart. In the functinal aspect, swing and reaping is mre easily identifiable, because tasks are mre cncrete. Fr example, a husband may sw verspending, while his wife reaps the result by having t get a jb, r by scrimping n fd and ther necessities t meet the family budget. Or a wife may sw careless husekeeping, while her husband reaps discmfrt in his wn hme and embarrassment when cmpany cmes ver. In either aspect, the prblem is the same: The ne wh has the prblem isn t facing the effects f the prblem. And things dn t change in a marriage until the spuse wh is taking respnsibility fr a prblem that is nt hers decides t say r d smething abut it. Law #2: The Law f Respnsibility The Law f Respnsibility is this: We are respnsible t each ther, but nt fr each ther. The Bible teaches it this way. Carry each ther s burdens, and in this way yu will fulfill the law f Christ and each ne shuld carry his wn lad (Galatians 6:2,5). The wrd burden indicates a back-breaking bulder, such as a financial, health, r emtinal crisis. Spuses actively supprt each ther when ne is carrying an verwhelming burden. The term lad, hwever, indicates ne s daily respnsibilities f life. This includes ne s feelings, attitudes, values, and handling f life s everyday difficulties. Spuses may help each ther ut with lads, but ultimately, each persn must take care f his wn daily respnsibilities. Tw extremes ccur in marriage when the Law f Respnsibility is nt beyed. On the ne hand, a husband will neglect his respnsibility t lve his wife. He may becme selfish, incnsiderate, r hurtful. He will nt cnsider hw his actins affect and influence his mate. He is nt fllwing Jesus law f hw t treat ne anther: S in everything, d t thers what yu wuld have them d t yu (Matthew 7:12). This is being irrespnsible t a spuse.

8 On the ther hand, a husband may take n respnsibility his wife shuld be bearing. Fr example, his wife may be unhappy, and he may feel respnsible fr her happiness. Perhaps he feels that he isn t making enugh mney, shwing enugh interest in her activities, r helping enugh arund the huse. S he tries and tries t make an unhappy persn happy. This is an impssible prject. While a husband shuld be sympathetic tward his unhappy wife and take respnsibility fr his wn hurtful behavir, he shuldn t take respnsibility fr her feelings. They are hers, and she must handle them herself. Finally, the Law f Respnsibility als means that spuses refuse t rescue r enable the sinful r immature behavir f their partners. Cuples have a duty t set limits n each spuse s destructive acts r attitudes. Law #3: The Law f Pwer Cuples struggle with understanding what they have the pwer t change in their marriages. Mre ften than nt, they are cncerned with changing nt their wn behavir, but their spuse s. Human nature lends itself t trying t change and fix thers s that we can be mre cmfrtable. If yu dn t have pwer t change yur spuse, what d yu have pwer ver? Yu have the pwer t cnfess, submit, and repent f yur wn hurtful ways in yur marriage. Yu can identify these hurtful ways, ask Gd fr his help t vercme them, and be willing t change. Whatever yur spuse des that bthers yu, it s certain that yu d things that bther him als. If yu want yur spuse t listen t yur bundaries, ask him where yu may be vilating his. Yu have the pwer t grw thrugh the unhelpful ways yu are dealing with yur marriage prblems. Yu have the pwer t start identifying ways yu are actively r passively cntributing t the prblem, and yu have the pwer t change yur time. Jesus called this prcess taking the plank ut f ur eye first (Matthew 7:1-5). Law #4: The Law f Respect The Law f Respect states that if we wish fr thers t respect ur bundaries, we need t respect theirs. The Law f Respect fsters lve. Lving yur mate means desiring and prtecting her freedm f chice. It means dying t yur wish fr her t see things yur way and appreciating that she has her wn mind, values, and feelings. Apply the Law f Respect in yur marriage. Dn t strm int the living rm with a list f hw things are ging t change arund this huse. Tell yur spuse yu want yur bundaries respected, and ask him if he feels his are being respected als. Let him knw that yu value and desire him t be free t say n, even if yu dn t like the answer. Ask him sme f the fllwing questins: Hw might I be crssing yur bundaries? D yu feel I respect yur right t say n t me? Will yu let me knw the next time I dn t respect yur freedm? These humbling and uncmfrtable questins shw yu are cncerned fr yur spuse mre than fr yur wn cnvenience. They arise ut f self-sacrifice, and they shw yur genersity f spirit and lve. And they can bind yur marriage tgether. If yur spuse is untrustwrthy, yu may feel yu are putting yurself in the hands f smene wh might use yur respect fr him against yu. Hwever, even untrustwrthy peple need t have their legitimate needs and bundaries respected. This desn t mean, thugh, allwing yurself t be harmed if the spuse is unsafe. Respect his bundaries and still set limits n his untrustwrthiness.

9 Respecting and valuing yur mate s bundaries is the key t being clse and lving. Yur spuse experiences the gift f freedm frm yu and sees the lve yu are extending in giving this freedm. When yu respect yur spuse s bundaries, yu are paving the way t having yurs respected. Law #5: The Law f Mtivatin The Law f Mtivatin states that we must be free t say n befre we can whleheartedly say yes. N ne can actually lve anther if he feels he desn t have a chice nt t. Giving yur time, lve, r vulnerability t yur spuse requires that yu make yur wn chice based n yur values, nt ut f fear. Having t d anything is a sign that smene is afraid. The fllwing fears prevent a spuse frm setting bundaries in marriage: Fear f lsing lve Fear f a spuse s anger Fear f being alne Fear f being a bad persn Fear f ne s guilty feelings Fear f nt reciprcating the lve smene has given (thus hurting his r her feelings) Fear f lsing the apprval f thers Fear f hurting ne s spuse because f veridentifying with his r her pain Fear always wrks against lve. The have t destrys the chse t. Cnversely, lve drives ut fear (1 Jhn 4:18). When we are freely chsing t lve, we are n lnger driven by the abve fears. We are driven by affectin. If yu struggle with any f these fears, wrk n maturing thrugh them, s that they d nt cntrl yu and rb yu f yur bundaries. T the extent that yu are free t say n, yu are free t say yes t smething yur spuse wants. This is why smetimes in marriage it is a gd grwth practice t say, I can t whleheartedly say yes t this, s I ll have t say n at this time. This gives yu time and space t wrk ut what the best ptin truly is. It als saves yur spuse frm a resentful, withdrawn mate. N spuse in his right mind really wants a mate wh cmplies with his wishes ut f fear. He des nt experience lve, penness, r freedm frm her. She may be there is bdy, but nt in sul. The Law f Mtivatin helps keep fear ut f the picture. Law #6: The Law f Evaluatin Just because smene is in pain desn t necessarily mean smething bad is happening. Smething gd might be ging n, such as a spuse learning t grw up. And this is the essence f the Law f Evaluatin: We need t evaluate the pain ur bundaries cause thers. D they cause pain that leads t injury? Or d they cause pain that leads t grwth? It is unlving t set limits with a spuse t harm him. This is revenge, which is in Gd s hands, nt urs (Rmans 12:19). But it can be just as unlving t avid setting a limit with yur spuse because yu dn t want him t be uncmfrtable. Smetimes discmfrt is an pprtunity fr grwth. Yu may need t cnfrnt yur spuse, give him a warning, r set a cnsequence. D nt neglect setting limits in yur marriage because f a fear f causing pain. Pain can be the best friend yur relatinship has ever had.

10 Law #7: The Law f Practivity The Law f Practivity is taking actin t slve prblems based n yur values, wants, and needs. Practive peple slve prblems withut having t blw up. They are their bundaries, s they dn t have t d a bundary as ften as reactive flks d. The Law f Practivity has three facets: (1) Reactive bundaries are a necessary part f grwth and marriage. Many peple wh have been victimized r pwerless need the freedm that cmes frm strenuusly prtesting sme evil r bad thing. At the same time, (2) reactive bundaries are nt sufficient fr grwth. Impulsive screaming matches aren t adult behavirs. Lve can be lst, and a lt f damage can be dne when a spuse desn t grw ut f her victim rle f cnstant prtest. That is why (3) practive bundaries maintain lve, freedm, and reality in relatinships. Practive peple keep their freedm, and they disagree and cnfrnt issues all the time in marriage. But they are able t hld n t the lve they have fr their spuse, and they d nt get caught up in an emtinal strm. They have wrked thrugh their reactive stage. Law #8: The Law f Envy The mst pwerful bstacle t setting bundaries in marriage is envy. The Law f Envy states that we will never get what we want if we fcus utside f ur bundaries n what thers have. Envy is devaluing what we have, thinking it s nt enugh. We then fcus n what thers have, all the while resenting them fr having gd things we dn t pssess. D nt cnfuse envy with desire. Desire invlves wanting smething, and it mtivates us t take actin t pssess it. Gd wants t give us ur desires (Psalm 37:4). Desire desn t fcus n ur emptiness, nr hw lucky thers seem t be. Desire preserves the gdness and value f what we have and f thse we are in relatinship with. Yu can t set limits in marriage until yu are lking at yurself as part f the prblem and as a great deal f the slutin. Wrk thrugh envy, wn yur prblems, and take actin. Law #9: The Law f Activity The Law f Activity states that we need t take the initiative t slve ur prblems rather than being passive. All things being equal, active spuses have an edge in bundary setting. Taking initiative increases ne s chances t learn frm mistakes. Active peple make lts f mistakes, and wise nes grw frm them (Hebrews 5:14). They try smething, experience a limit, and adapt. They experience the depth f Gd s frgiveness because they d things fr which they need t be frgiven. Passive peple have truble learning because they are afraid t take risks. Because f this, they als have a harder time taking charge f their lives and bundaries. Gd is nt pleased with thse wh shrink back in passivity (Hebrews 10:38). He wants his peple t participate in life with him, nt wait n the sidelines. When ne spuse is active and the ther passive, several prblems can ccur: The active spuse may dminate the passive ne. The active spuse may feel abandned by the passive ne. The passive spuse may becme t dependent n the active ne s initiative. The passive spuse may resent the pwer f the active ne. The passive spuse may be t intimidated by the active ne t say n. When bth spuses are active in bundary setting, when they bth speak the truth, slve prblems, and set gals, they will bth grw. They can als rest in the security that if they dn t address a prblem, their mate can be depended n t d it. Their lve grws and deepens, as they are always mving tward each ther. One is nt cnstantly waiting fr the ther t take the first step. Dn t wait fr yur spuse t take the first step. Assume the first mve is always yurs. If yu tend t be the passive spuse, let yur

11 mate knw hw risky it is fr yu t take initiative, and ask her t help yu becme mre active. Yu re in gd cmpany. This is hw Gd des it. Even when he didn t cause a prblem (ur sinfulness), he tk the initiative t slve it (the Crss). Law #10: The Law f Expsure The Law f Expsure states that we need t cmmunicate ur bundaries t each ther. Gd designed bundaries t prmte lve and truth. Spuses need t make clear what they d r dn t want. They need t wrk n understanding what their spuse is saying abut their bundaries. When bundaries are expsed, tw suls can be cnnected in the marriage. But when bundaries are unexpsed, spuses are less emtinally present in the marriage, and lve struggles. When we expse ur bundaries t the light f relatinship, we can be fully cnnected t ur spuses. We can reslve prblems, and we can take a stand t actively lve ur spuses by risking cnflict fr the sake f the relatinship. Expsure is the nly way fr healing and grwth t take place. THE TEN LAWS OF BOUNDARIES 1. The Law f Swing and Reaping: Our actins have cnsequences. 2. The Law f Respnsibility: We are respnsible t each ther, but nt fr each ther. 3. The Law f Pwer: We have pwer ver sme things; we dn t have pwer ver thers (including changing peple). 4. The Law f Respect: If we wish fr thers t respect ur bundaries, we need t respect theirs. 5. The Law f Mtivatin: We must be free t say n befre we can whleheartedly say yes. 6. The Law f Evaluatin: We need t evaluate the pain ur bundaries cause thers. 7. The Law f Practivity: We take actin t slve prblems based n ur values, wants, and needs. 8. The Law f Envy: We will never get what we want if we fcus utside ur bundaries nt what thers have. 9. The Law f Activity: We need t take the initiative in setting limits rather than be passive. 10. The Law f Expsure: We need t cmmunicate ur bundaries t each ther. Chapter 3- Setting Bundaries with Yurself Whse Prblem is it Anyway? When yu cease t blame yur spuse and wn the prblem as yurs, yu are then empwered t make changes t slve yur prblem. The reality f bundaries in marriage is that n matter what the issue in yur marriage, yu need t take the initiative t slve it. Yu may have a spuse wh Is chrnically late Is financially irrespnsible Withdraws and avids relatinship Becmes angry Attempts t cntrl yu Thugh yu may share n blame in creating these prblems, yu prbably need t take sme initiative in slving them. This ften seems unfair t peple. They will say, Why shuld I have t slve a prblem I didn t cause? This is a legitimate questin. Hwever, the questin expses a demand fr fairness that will never exist in a fallen

12 wrld. Such a questin keeps peple prtesting and cmplaining while still mired in the prblem. Gd sees it anther way. He says that n matter wh causes a prblem, we are t take steps t slve it. If ur brther has smething against us, we are t g t him (Matthew 5:23-24). And at the same time, if ur brther sins against us, we are t g t him (Matthew 18:15). Fault is irrelevant; we need t wrk t reslve the prblem. Remving the Plank Anther reasn we need t lk first at ur wn bundaries n urselves is that, mre ften than nt, we aren t blameless. Taking Ownership f Our Lives An imprtant aspect f setting bundaries with urselves is that f taking wnership f ur lives. We need t take respnsibility fr ur hearts, ur lves, ur time, and ur talents. We are t wn ur lives and live in Gd s light, grwing up and maturing ur character alng the way: Speaking the truth in lve, we will in all things grw up int him wh is the Head, that is, Christ (Ephesians 4:15). This is ur jb, and n ne else s. We are mre cncerned abut the persn wh is making us crazy r miserable than we are abut the state f ur wn suls. Blaming smene else shifts the light f truth frm us t smene else. When we neglect setting bundaries with urselves and fcus instead n setting bundaries with thse we think srely need limits, we have limited ur wn spiritual grwth. As in any grwth prcess, spiritual grwth prceeds t the level that we invest in it. When we nly invest in changing smene else, they get the benefit f ur effrts, but the imprtant wrk we have t d has been neglected. We must becme mre deeply cncerned abut ur wn issues than ur spuse s. We cannt verstate the imprtance f this idea. One f the mst frightening facts in existence is that Gd will smeday call us t accunt fr ur lives here n earth. (2 Crinthians 5:10). At that meeting, we will nt be able t blame, hide behind, r deflect t the sins and prblems f ur spuse. It will be a ne-n-ne cnversatin with Gd. Bundaries with yurself are a much bigger issue than bundaries in yur marriage. In the end, while we are nly partly respnsible fr grwing ur marriages, we are cmpletely respnsible t Gd fr develping ur very suls. Yu are respnsible fr half f yur marriage and all f yur sul. Bundaries n yurself are between yu and Gd. Being the Gd Spuse In many marriages, ne mate is mre bviusly selfish, irrespnsible, withdrawn, r cntrlling. The ther is perceived as a suffering saint, and peple wnder hw he tlerates the pain f living with such a prblem persn. This ften makes it hard fr the gd spuse t set apprpriate bundaries fr himself. Secnd, the gd spuse ften feels helpless in the relatinship. He has tried t lve better and mre, yet the prblem cntinues. Because being gd generally means being caring and cmpassinate, he desn t have access t ther helpful tls, such as truthfulness, hnesty, limits, and cnsequences. Third, the gd spuse can easily take a mrally superir psitin tward his spuse. Since his cntributins t the prblem may nt be as bvius, he may think, I am nt capable f being as destructive as my mate. This is a dangerus psitin t take. We are all capable f just abut anything, due t ur wn sinful nature (Rmans 3:10-18). We

13 need t be careful abut this. Any time we fcus n ur gdness, we turn ur hearts away frm ur need fr lve and frgiveness. Living by the Same Rules We need t realize ur need fr limits because we need t submit urselves t the same rules we want ur partner t submit t. Submitting t the bundary prcess is the great equalizer in marriage and keeps bth spuses in a mutual relatinship instead f in a neup r ne-dwn ne. Bth need t accept and respect the limits f the ther; n ne plays Gd, ding what he wants and expecting the ther t cmply. Freeing Yur Spuse by Setting Limits n Yurself When yu set limits n yurself, yu create an envirnment in which yur spuse can becme free t chse and grw. The highest calling f a spuse is the call t lve, just as it is the highest calling f ur faith: lving Gd and each ther (Matthew 22:37-40). Lve means ding what yu can fr yur spuse. And setting bundaries n yur wn character weaknesses is ne f the mst lving things yu can d in yur marriage. When yu grw, yu becme mre tender, mre empathic, and yet mre hnest and firm in yur cnvictins. Yu becme smene wh is better t live with. Prcess, Nt Perfectin When we lk at ur wn character issues, we cannt will urselves t maturity. We dn t have the pwer t change ur spuse; nr can we change ur destructive behavirs and attitudes by just saying n. Hwever, we d have sme pwer and chices. We can chse t tell the truth abut ur faults. We can chse t bring thse faults int the light f relatinship. We can chse t repent f them and t wrk them ut and mature them. Setting limits n urselves smetimes simply invlves taking a trublesme emtin, behavir, r attitude t a supprtive relatinship, instead f acting n it. Here are sme character issues in ur wn lives n which we can set limits: Playing Gd- By human nature, we try t play Gd instead f seeking him. We need t cntinually wn this wrst and mst hurtful aspect f ur character. By playing Gd, we miss the mark in lving, being respnsible, and caring abut the welfare f ur spuse. Submit this part f yurself t Gd s authrity. Let him knw that the desire t play Gd is larger than yur pwer t stp it, and ask fr his help. Stay cnnected t the life f Gd and his peple. Practice the spiritual disciplines f wrship, prayer, fellwship, and Scripture reading. Denial- When we d nt admit the truth abut wh we are, we give ur spuse n ne with whm t cnnect. What we deny abut urselves is absent frm lve. If, fr example, yu deny yur struggle with insecurity by attempting t be strng, yur spuse cannt lve and have cmpassin fr yur insecure parts. This impverishes the marriage bnd and prevents a deeper cnnectin with yur spuse. Withdrawal frm Relatinship- Failing t make and keep emtinal cnnectins is a serius character issue. One r bth spuses pull away and avid being pen and vulnerable with each ther. Emtinal islatin withdraws the mst basic part f urselves frm the surce f life: relatedness t Gd and thers. Thugh the ideal f marriage is that all parts f ne spuse cnnect t all parts f the ther, mst cuples struggle with their tendency t withdraw their hearts frm each ther.

14 Irrespnsibility- Sme f us have mre difficulty with taking respnsibility than thers d. The inability t accept anther s n indicates a difficulty in taking wnership f yur wn disappintment and sadness and a struggle in allwing thers freedm. If yu have prblems with respnsibility, here s what yu can d t help: Submit yurself t safe peple wh can cnfrnt yu n yur irrespnsibility. Accept bth cnsequences and feedback fr yur prblem. Tell thers t stp enabling yu. Tell yur spuse that his silence and/r nagging aren t helping yu. Ask him t lve yu, but at the same time t prvide limits fr yu when yu dn t set them n yurself. Self-Centeredness- Nthing is mre natural than t think mre f ur wn situatin than anther s. Marriage cannt be successfully navigated withut ur giving mre f urselves than we are cmfrtable giving. Yet self-absrbed peple ften attempt t live as a single persn within marriage, thinking they can get what is imprtant t them and still pull ff the relatinship. The result is that the spuse feels like an bject, r feels that her wn thughts and feelings aren t valued. The structure f marriage itself is anti-selfish. Marriage expses ur weaknesses and failings t the ther persn. It shws us the limits t ur gdness. It takes away the sense that everything revlves arund us. And nt addressing ur wn egcentrism can hurt. Here are sme ideas t help set bundaries n yur self-centeredness: Ask yur spuse t tell yu when he desn t feel that things are mutual between yu, r when he thinks he has t cnstantly see reality yur way. Learn t let g f the demand t be perfect r special. Say n t the urge t be gd, and learn the skills f frgiveness and grief. Judgmentalism- Many spuses struggle with judging, criticizing, and cndemning thers. If yu have the judge rle in yur marriage, these tasks will help yu grw ut f this psitin: Ask fr feedback n hw yur attitude hurts thse yu lve. Judgmental peple are ften surprised at hw wunding they can be. Becme aware f yur wn attacking cnscience. Mst judging types have a very strict internal judge that punishes them. Learn t receive cmpassin and frgiveness frm Gd and thers fr yur wn failings. Develp cmpassin fr the faults f thers. Bundaries n Our Attempts t Cntrl Of all the aspects f urselves we need t set limits n, ur tendency t cntrl ur spuse is prbably the mst crucial. Ever since the Garden f Eden, we have tried t run each ther s lives. The strategies, manipulatins, and tactics spuses emply t change their mate are endless. And if there is any sure-fire way t destry trust and lve, cntrl is it. We must give ur lve freely. Hw can yu determine if smene is attempting cntrl? Here are several indicatrs: Nt respecting the ther s n. The husband will make several attempts t change the decisin f his spuse and disregard her feelings. Punishing a wrng chice. When the husband chses t d smething the wife desn t like, the wife will act put ut r like a victim, r she will accuse her husband f nt being lving r caring.

15 Nt valuing freedm. The husband will be mre interested in his wife s making the right decisin, than in her free, heartfelt chice. Bad results. The wife wh is being cntrlled will be resentful, act ut, r retaliate. Belw, lk at sme f the ways that cuples attempt t cntrl each ther. Guilt- Guilt messages are intended t make ur spuse feel respnsible fr ur welfare. In ther wrds, guilt cntrls by creating the impressin that ur spuse s freedm injures us. By chsing differently frm us, ur spuse has thus been unlving. Anger- Often, when ne spuse wants smething the ther desn t, the disappinted mate will becme angry. Anger is ur basic prtest against the fact that we are nt Gd and that we cannt cntrl reality. Anger can be direct. It can be cvert, as in passive-aggressive behavirs r sarcastic remarks. It can invlve threats f retaliatin. It can als, in extreme situatins, becme dangerus, as in abusive marriages. Persistent Assaults n the Spuse s Bundary- One persn will say n, then the spuse will make attempt after attempt t change the ther s mind. Like a child wh has learned t keep asking until he hears the answer he wants, the spuse refuses t live with the bundary f the ther. Withhlding Lve- Of all the ways we attempt t cntrl, withhlding lve may be the mst pwerful. When ne spuse disagrees, the ther discnnects emtinally until the spuse changes t suit her. This is s pwerful because Gd created us t need lve and cnnectin as ur surce f life. When smene withdraws this frm us, we are withut the basis f existence. It puts extreme pressure n us t d anything t cnnect t the ne we lve. Submitting t Bundaries n Our Cntrl The spuse wh truly lves his mate and wants her t grw spiritually will, at sme pint, desire t give up these attempts t cntrl. He will be willing t relinquish these strategies in favr f granting freedm and lve. Here are sme f the ways yu can set limits n yur cntrlling attempts. Realize the Cst f Other-Cntrl- The cst f ther-cntrl is that yu might get external cmpliance, but lse yur spuse s heart. Guilt, anger, assaults, and withhlding all negate freedm and lve. The spuse will g alng, but will ften be resentful r emtinally absent. Ask Yur Spuse t Let Yu Knw Hw Yur Cntrl Affects Him- Since marriage is at its cre a bnd f empathy, yur mate s feelings are imprtant t yu. Often, when the cntrlled spuse lets the cntrlling spuse knw hw hurtful and distant the attempts make him, the cntrlling spuse feels cmpassin fr the pain and is able t better set limits n the cntrl. Experience Yur Own Helplessness t Change Yur Spuse- N matter hw much yu wuld like t believe the ppsite, yur spuse will nt change her decisins, pinins, r feelings until she is ready t. Learn t Grieve- Grief helps us t accept the truth and t let g f things we can t change r have. When yu allw yur spuse freedm, yu will ften feel lss and sadness abut lsing what yu desired frm him. Allwing yurself t feel this grief frees yu t accept reality and find new ways t adapt t yur marriage. Wrk Thrugh Dependency Issues- If yur spuse is the nly persn thrugh whm yu can get needs met, yu will have a bent tward cntrlling him. Find surces f lve, apprval, truth, r frgiveness that include yur mate, but are nt limited t him.

16 Be a Separate Persn with Yur Spuse- Smetimes ne mate will define herself by her mate and nt be her wn individual sul. Then, when her spuse disagrees r makes a different decisin, she persnalizes the difference as an attack against her. As yu becme mre defined by yur wn bundaries, yu will experience yur mate s feelings and decisins as having mre t d with him than with yu. This will free yu t allw him t be free. Value Yur Spuse s Freedm As Yu Want Yur Freedm Valued- Remember hw it felt the last time smene attacked yu fr yur freedm t chse and therefre have cmpassin n yur spuse s chices. Set Bundaries with Yur Spuse Instead f Cntrlling Him- Often, a wife will resrt t cntrl strategies because she feels unable t say n r be free with her husband. She may be afraid f her partner s reactins and may feel she can t prtect herself. Cntrl becmes a substitute fr establishing bundaries f selfcntrl with her spuse. As yu set apprpriate limits, yu can feel safe and give up cntrlling yur partner. As yu can see, marriage has mre t d with bringing yurself under the cntrl f Gd and his principles than it des with cntrlling yur spuse. Hwever, as yu relinquish cntrl f yur partner, yu are able t better lve him, prtect yur wn freedm, and prvide a cntext fr bth f yu t grw. Chapter 4- It Takes Tw t Make One Twness The requirement fr neness is tw cmplete peple. The Bible defines a cmplete persn as a mature persn. A cmplete persn is able t d all the things that adult life and relatinship requires: give lve and receive lve, be independent and self-sufficient, live ut values hnestly, be respnsible, have self-cnfidence, deal with prblems and failures, live ut their talents, and have a life. If tw peple wh marry are cmplete, the neness they establish will be cmplete. T the degree that either is less than cmplete as a persn, the neness will suffer under the strain f that incmpleteness. The incmplete partner s lnging fr cmpleteness will take precedence ver what he is able t give t the relatinship, and the relatinship will suffer. S, if ne r bth are cming t the marriage asking the marriage t cmplete them as peple, the marriage will break dwn. Marriage is nt meant t be the place where ne gets cmpleted as a persn. It is meant fr cmplete persns t cme tgether and build a we that is bigger and better than either ne f the I s invlved. As Frederick Buechner says in Whistling in the Dark, A marriage made in Heaven is ne where a man and a wman becme mre richly themselves tgether than the chances are either f them culd ever have managed t becme alne. Fr a marriage t wrk, tw separate individuals need t have sme elements f adulthd. N ne has ever made it t adulthd ready fr all that it requires. The gd news is that yu can grw tward this adulthd, r cmpleteness, and as yu d, yur relatinships will attain mre and mre neness as well. Cmpleting Versus Cmplementing Each Other Marriage was nt designed t cmplete a persn. It was designed fr tw cmplete peple t enter int and frm smething different than either f them is n his r her wn. It was designed, nt t make yu a whle persn, but t give yur whleness a new range f experience.

17 But many peple see marriage as a ticket t shrt-cut cmpleteness, r maturity. Therefre they dn t marry ut f strength, but ut f weakness. They marry smene t make up fr what they d nt pssess n their wn. They marry ut f their incmpleteness, and ding s erdes the pssibility fr neness. The crucial element f tw becming ne is that the tw peple must be cmplete in and f themselves-they must be adults-befre they marry. This des nt mean that the husband and wife pssess all f the same talents and abilities, r even the same style. It des mean, hwever, that they pssess all f adult functining in key areas f persnhd. He might nt have her business acumen. She might nt have his creativity r his ability t be the extrverted life f the party. This is nt what we are talking abut. These characteristics cmplement each ther, nt cmplete each ther. Cmplementing means bringing different perspectives, talents, abilities, experiences, and ther gifts t the relatinship and frming a partnership. Cmpleting means making up fr ne s immaturity as a persn. It is an attempt t use anther persn t balance an imbalance in ne s character, and it never wrks. Each persn is respnsible fr develping these character imbalances n ne s wn and then bringing a whle, balanced self int the relatinship. Areas f Cmpleteness That Marriage Cannt Prvide As we said abve, many times peple will marry t make up fr what they d nt pssess in their wn character. This is ften what is behind the head-ver-heels, falling in lve experience. Smene wh is incmplete in sme area will meet smene wh has a strength in that area and feel an intxicating whleness. Basic human requirements f character are nt cmplements. They are essentials t being a cmplete persn. Belw is a partial list f abilities that bth partners must pssess and that cannt be brrwed frm each ther. The ability t Cnnect emtinally Be vulnerable and share feelings Have an apprpriate sense f pwer and assertiveness Say n Have initiative and drive Have at least a minimal amunt f rganizatin Be real, but nt perfect Accept imperfectins and have grace and frgiveness Grieve Think fr neself and express ne s pinins Learn and grw Take risks Grasp and use ne s talents Be respnsible and fllw thrugh Be free and nt cntrlled by external r internal factrs Be sexual Be spiritual Have a mral sense Have an intellectual life These human abilities everyne pssesses, althugh nt everyne is able t express them. Make sure that the tw f yu develp these spiritual and human characteristics n yur wn. If yu d, then yu will each becme a cmplete persn, and the tw f yu can becme ne.

18 Adults Take Respnsibility fr Their Treasures The first requirement f adults, r cmpleted persns, is that they take respnsibility fr all f the treasures f their suls. If they dn t, their marriage will stagnate t the degree that they diswn aspects f their lives and then either blame the ther r require the ther t fix it r make up fr it. Requiring Ownership Cdependency is taking respnsibility fr anther persn s prblems and nt requiring that persn t take respnsibility fr his wn. A mature, cmplete adult nt nly takes respnsibility fr himself, but als requires the same frm the peple he lves. T be cdependent and nt require respnsibility frm thers is t nt be respnsible neself. One f the greatest gifts we can give t each ther is the gift f hnesty and cnfrntatin. As Prverbs tells us, Wunds frm a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses (Prverbs 27:6). We grw when smene wh lves us wunds us by telling us painful truths we need t hear. Requiring respnsibility frm each ther by telling each ther the truth and nt giving in t each ther s immaturity is indeed a gift. Adults Value Their Treasures and Thse f Their Spuse We can t ignre aspects f ur sul Gd has placed in us. Sner r later, brushing them aside catches up with us. In the same way, we must value the treasures f ur spuses. Mature peple think f nurturing, develping, and taking care f the treasures f the peple with whm they are in relatinship. They are always thinking f hw their lved nes are ding, hw they are feeling, and hw they culd help them grw. Mature husbands and wives place a great value n the feelings, thughts, and attitudes f their spuse. Nt wanting t miss ut is a gd way t think f valuing the treasures f yur spuse s sul. Gd has given yu each ther t knw and t share. T value the treasures in the sul f the ther is t nt miss ut n a wnderful gift frm Gd t the bth f yu. This prcess f valuing thers treasures is smething that mature peple d and is part f being a cmplete persn. It als acknwledges the separateness and cmpleteness f the ther persn. It says I knw yu are a persn, t, and I am interested in the persn yu are. Adults Understand the Cncept f Yu Are Nt Me The cncept f yu are nt me is ne f the mst imprtant aspects f bundaries. We all need t vercme the basic egcentricity f life, the inbrn feeling that the wrld revlves arund me. There are several cmpnents t this issue. Seeing the Other As a Persn, Nt My Object - The first cmpnent is the ability t see yur spuse as a separate persn, distance frm yu, with her wn needs and feelings. In ther wrds, she desn t exist just t meet yur needs. Whenever we view thers nly in terms f hw they affect us, we are in big truble. This is self-centeredness. We reduce thers t bjects f ur wn needs, and we dn t see them as real peple. And whenever we dn t see peple fr wh they really are, lve breaks dwn. Allwing the Other s Experience The secnd way in which we allw thers t exist in their wn right is t allw their experience. We need t put ur wn experience aside and jin in the ther s experience. We need t understand the ther s experience, identify with it, and have cmpassin fr the ther in it. The ability t d this is called empathy. Empathy is the bedrck f intimacy. T have gd bundaries is t be separate enugh

19 frm the ther persn that yu can allw her t have her wn experience withut reacting with yur wn. Such a clear stance f separateness allws yu nt t react, but t care and empathize. Nt allwing the ther s experience can be a majr cause f fighting and f feeling misunderstd. Allwing the Freedm t Be Different The third way in which we allw thers t exist in their wn right is allwing them the freedm t be different frm us. In a gd marriage, spuses value each ther s differences and treat them with respect. They understand each ther, listen, reasn, cmprmise, and give up their wn wishes smetimes. Because twness exists, neness can develp. In a marriage in which the individuals aren t allwed t be different, things dn t g as well. Husbands and wives judge each ther as bad fr the preferences each ne has. Or they take the difference as a persnal affrnt r a lack f lve. Differences are nt bad. They are part f the stuff f which lve grws. The differences are what yu like abut a persn at the beginning f a relatinship and then fight abut fr the rest f ur lives. Why is that? Differences are exciting and bring a sense f getting t enjy smething we dn t pssess. But differences threaten us if we have nt matured enugh t be truly separate peple frm each ther. T immature peple, differences imply distance, a lack f lve, abandnment, rejectin, r, in sme cases, a challenge fr us t grw. And under this threat, lve gets put n the back burner fr self-prtectin. Cherishing the Other s Existence- Anther part f the yu are nt me cncept is the ability t see anther persn fr wh she is apart frm what we want r need frm her and t lve and appreciate that persn fr wh she is. T cherish smene s existence apart frm yu and apart frm what yu get frm that persn is a neat aspect f lve. It requires very gd bundaries, the ability t see the ther persn as distinct and separate frm yu a persn in her wn right, with value and wnderful things abut her that have nthing t d with gratifying yu in any way ther than pure appreciatin. This is the jy f just knwing a persn. This neat aspect f lve is ne f the nes that gives the mst pleasure as cuples grw tgether. Adults Respect Each Other s Freedm Freedm is a prerequisite f lve. If smene cntrls us, lve is nt pssible. Cntrl results in slavery, nt lve. The ability fr each partner t allw the ther t be a free, separate persn is ne f the hallmarks f a slid relatinship. Free t Have Space This balance f being deeply cnnected as well as free t be individuals is ne f the mst imprtant aspects f cmpleteness. It allws the develpment and grwth f the individual partners as well as the marriage. The prblem marriage is ne in which ne partner sees time apart, separateness, and space as a threat. This spuse may feel that separateness means a lack f lve, r abandnment. She can nly feel lved when with the ther persn. Freedm is the scariest f all human privileges. Adam and Eve used their freedm destructively t sin against Gd. In the same way, we can use freedm against each ther. The call t relatinship with Gd and each ther is a call t freedm. But that freedm is nt t be used t gratify self-centeredness. Sme spuses use their freedm t indulge their wn desires at the expense f the marriage. S the Bible s warning ffers the best slutin fr that danger: Lve yur neighbr as yurself. In ther wrds, in yur exercise f separateness, make sure that yu are seeing

20 hw yur freedm and separateness are affecting yur spuse. Wuld yu want t be treated with disregard? Certainly nt. But remember, it ges bth ways. Yu are free t be separate, but yu are als free t be cntrlling! N ne can stp yu except yurself. S, if yu are trying t cntrl yur spuse s separateness and freedm with guilt and prhibitin, then ask yurself the same questin: Wuld yu like t be imprisned? Again, the answer is certainly nt. Gd Fear f Reality If yu are cntrlling yur spuse s freedm and separateness, yu are n lnger an bject f lve. Yu have becme tw things that yur spuse will rebel against because it is part f Gd s plan. Yu have becme the master f a slave, and yu have becme a parent. A spuse was never intended t be either. Rebelling against cntrl is the mtivatin behind many affairs and ther prblems. The spuse wh feels cntrlled is nt mature enugh t stand up with respnsible bundaries, and he acts ut in an affair t gain a sense f freedm. Persuasive wrds are ften wrds f flattery and freedm, wrds that give relief t the nagging and guilty feeling f cntrl that a husband r wife is getting at hme. D nt becme this nagging parent. Give freedm, and require respnsible use f that freedm in the service f lve. Lnging Gd designed human beings with a lnging fr relatinship, with a lnging t cme tgether and nt g thrugh life alng. We all have this lnging. While single peple satisfy this lnging with friends and relatives, married peple g ne step further; they meet part f this lnging by finding a life partner. Gd designed marriage particularly t satisfy this lnging fr relatinship, t give cmpaninship n life s jurney. This drive fr cmpaninship must be kept at the frefrnt f ur discussin f freedm. If ne f yu is cntrlling, if yu restrict yur partner s freedm, cmpaninship is destryed. But beynd that, freedm nurishes separateness, which is in and f itself an undesirable state. Therefre, freedm frm each ther irnically creates the very lnging that will bring yu tgether ver and ver again. Yu must build freedm int yur marriage s that yu have enugh separateness t desire t cme tgether t slve the prblem that separateness creates! This paradx is ne f the balancing truths in Gd s universe. Separateness and tgetherness g hand in hand. If yu have t much separateness, yu have n relatinship because yu becme t discnnected. But if yu have n separateness, yu als have n relatinship because there are n lnger tw peple invlved. Therefre, see the need fr freedm as part f Gd s design, and find the right balance between tgetherness and freedm fr the tw f yu. Make sure yu have bth. Chapter 5- What Yu Value is What Yu ll Have I (Dr. Clud) dn t remember where I first heard this saying, but I have cme t believe it: Yu get what yu tlerate. In ther wrds, in an imperfect wrld, imperfectin will always seek yu ut, and if yu tlerate it, yu will certainly find all f it that yu can handle. Unpleasant things seek the level they are allwed t exist in yur life, especially in a marriage.