Love and Respect. Learning to Communicate For a Better Marriage (ch 1-3)

Transcription

1 Lve and Respect Learning t Cmmunicate Fr a Better Marriage (ch 1-3) Cmpiled by By James Wd Chapter 1 The Simple Secret t a Better Marriage Yu can be right, but wrng at the tp f yur vice Even if we re saying smething that s true, the way we say it is just as imprtant as what we say. Lving times and spats f ugliness There is n perfect marriage. We all struggle t have a gd marriage. The secret hidden in Ephesians 5:33 - Each ne f yu must als lve his wife as he lves himself and the wife must respect her husband. (NIV) Hw Gd revealed the Lve and Respect cnnectin When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard t lve his wife. When a wife feels unlved, it is especially hard t respect her husband. Pg. 16 Why Lve and Respect are primary needs In this verse, respect fr the husband is just as imprtant as lve fr the wife. Pg. 18 Chapter 2 T Cmmunicate, Decipher the Cde Craziness just keep flipping the light switch Craziness happens when we keep ding the same things ver and ver with the same ill effect. Pg. 29 Why d cuples cmmunicate in cde? Men and wmen speak in different cdes that are easily misinterpreted by the ther persn. When the issue isn t the issue Just because yu may feel unlved r disrespected des nt mean yu spuse is sending that message. Pg. 32 We re as different as pink and blue Gd created male and female, bth in his image, but they are very different parts f his image. Men and wmen can lk at the same situatin r hear the same wrds and interpret them very differently. Men hear criticism as cntempt; wmen feel silence as hstility Chapter 3 Why She Wn t Respect, Why He Wn t Lve Uncnditinal respect an xymrn? Wives and husbands believe respect ught t be earned. Pg. 43 But bth lve and respect shuld be uncnditinal fr the marriage t be healthy. Greeting cards are all abut lve Respect is a man s deepest value Husbands are t value wives as equals the New Testament makes it clear that men and wmen are f equal value, fellw heirs (Ephesians 5:22-33; 1 Peter 3:1-2, 7; Galatians 3:28).

2 He Said, She Said! We re Speaking The Same Language But Saying Different Things (ch. 4-7) Chapter 4 What men fear mst can keep the crazy cycle spinning Wives must grasp that their husbands aren t half as big and strng and impervius t being hurt as they might seem. (pg. 57) Frmatted: Qute, N bullets r numbering The yearning and need f husbands is that their wives give them hnr and respect. (pg. 58) Cnflict makes mst men feel disrespected in midst f cnflict (ften when it s the mst difficult) men need t feel respected in rder t have prductive cnflict. When dating/curting men feel a great deal f respect and are driven t shw lve in return. His Even after marriage the need fr respect drivescntinues t drive his actins bth befre and after the wedding day., thugh the amunt f respect he feels may drp. Men have an hnr cde with ther men that dictates hw they speak and act. Because f this, when his wife challenges him, he feels the mst hnrable thing t d is t drp it and avid the cnflict. The yearning and need f husbands is that their wives give them hnr and respect. (pg. 58) Frmatted: Qute, N bullets r numbering Criticizing vs. Stnewalling different appraches t the same prblem Wmen see gd cnflict as getting everything ut n the table, but men dn t see things the same way. Wmen see the ffering f criticism as a cmpliment, since, in their mind, it is a lving attempt t help their husband be a better persn. It is better t live in a desert land than with a cntentius and vexing wman. Prverbs 21:19 Frmatted: Qute, N bullets r numbering A wife f nble character is her husband's crwn, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bnes. Prverbs 12:4 Men are nt always cnscius f their need fr respect and s have a hard time articulating it. When the feelings f disrespect arise he des nt knw hw t express them in an apprpriate way. A wife f nble character is her husband's crwn, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bnes. Prverbs 12:4 Frmatted: Qute, N bullets r numbering Chapter 5 She fears being a drmat; he s tired f just nt getting it Wh shuld make the first mve? YOU! Dn t wait fr the ther persn. There is the fear that if yu increase yur lve/respect that the ther persn wn t reciprcate, but what yu re ding nw isn t wrking. Lve/respect has nthing t d with superir/inferir it s the jining f tw equals. The need f men fr respect des nt reduce the need f wmen t feel lved. It is risky t shw lve/respect when yu aren t receiving it in return. Trust Gd t knw what is best fr yur marriage, he created it! Men are k with nt knwing smething (n really, it s true), but being labeled as stupid r a Neanderthal is very disrespectful and hurtful t men. Befre we speak we need t think abut whether r nt the wrds will seem unlving/disrespectful. We als need t understand that ur spuse really cares abut us, s we shuld make the assumptin that they d nt intend t be unlving/disrespectful.

3 The mst imprtant thing t remember in cnflict is t avid being disrespectful/unlving. Chapter 6 She wrries abut being a hypcrite; he cmplains, I get n respect! Isn t it hypcritical t shw respect even when yu dn t feel respectful? N, just like lve, yu can decide t shw respect whether r nt yu feel like it (and then yu will usually begin t feel like it). When the alarm ges ff in the mrning, we get up even when we dn t feel like getting up. Because we d what we dn t feel like ding, des that make us hypcrites? (pg. 91) Frmatted: Qute, N bullets r numbering It takes a great deal f faith and effrt t shw respect/lve every day. Men are usually scared t say, I feel disrespected. It feels self-centered, and they re scared abut the pssible respnse. Hney, that felt disrespectful. Did I just nw cme acrss as unlving? (pg. 92)92) Give yur spuse the benefit f the dubt. Frmatted: Fnt: 11 pt, Nt Bld Frmatted: Qute, N bullets r numbering Be angry, but d nt sin. D nt let the sun g dwn n yur anger. Ephesians 4:26 That means that it s kay t be angry! Feeling anger isn t a bad thing, what is wrng is allwing anger t lead t sin and/r hlding a grudge instead f dealing with the prblem. Just like pain lets us knw smething is physically wrng, anger lets us knw that smething is emtinally wrng. Chapter 7 She thinks she can t frgive him; he says, Nbdy nbdy can lve that wman! Thugh it may nt be fair t ask a wife t frgive an unlving husband, the issue is nt fairness, but tuching his spirit. It is easier t frgive when yu let g f the belief that yur spuse intended evil. (pg. 102) Frmatted: Qute, N bullets r numbering Just like anything difficult, yu will prbably fail many times as yu attempt t practice lve and respect. Keep practicing and yu will be successful sn! We have develped habits in ur marriages and they may lead us t be unlving/disrespectful. Give yurself time t change these habits it tk time t frm them. Yur children are watching yur marriage; the way yu treat each ther will influence the image they have f the way marriage ught t be.

4 The Energizing Cycle: COUPLE hw t spell lve t yur wife (ch. 8-14) The ppsite f the Crazy Cycle is the Energizing Cycle. With it yu will build n the accmplishments f adding lve and respect t yur Remember, ur gal is nt t just avid prblems, but t have great The Energizing Cycle is practive. It is psitive. And it is preventative. Energizing Cycle and the Crazy Cycles will nt spin. (pg. 117) be able t marriage. marriages! Stay n the COUPLE Hw t spell lve t yur wife ch. 8 The acrnym COUPLE helps men t remember what it takes t energize their wives. Unless a pilt learns t pay attentin t his instruments, he will feel as if he is being whirled abut, quickly get disriented, and crash. Trust the instruments f COUPLE even if they dn t seem t be wrking it can take time t energize yur wife. Clseness She Wants Yu t Be Clse ch. 9 Clseness is mre than just physical, it is a spiritual and emtinal cnnectin. She wants t talk as sn as yu bth get hme and he wants t unwind. Bth can cmprmise t achieve clseness. Give him a few minutes t himself (if necessary) and give her the time that yu wuld be watching the news t tell her abut yur day. Learn her Lve Languages ( t cmmunicate clseness 1 Wrds f Affirmatin Quality Time Receiving Gifts Acts f Service Physical Tuch Openness She Wants Yu t Open Up t Her ch. 10 Wives ften ask questins t get their husbands t pen up t them because they equate penness with a deep sense f lve. She needs t frequently hear abut what yu are thinking, feeling, and dreaming. She needs t feel like she can share herself with yu withut the fear f being judged r criticized. Praying tgether is a beautiful frm f penness t each ther and t Gd. Understanding Dn t Try t Fix Her; Just Listen ch. 11 Clseness and Openness are very similar, and ne plays ff the ther. And understanding plays ff f clseness and penness. (pg. 147) Just listen! Dn t always ffer a fix r slutin. Smetimes she just wants t knw yu care and listening is the best way t shw that yu care. Paraphrasing back t her what yu heard her say is a gd way t shw that yu understand. 1 Take the 30-secnd assessment here: t discver yur lve languages.

5 Clseness, Openness, and Understanding all take time. Set aside time every day fr cnnecting as little as 15 minutes can dramatically imprve yur marriage. Try eating at the dinner table, r nt watching TV fr a while, r spending a few minutes after the kids are in bed. Make this a part f yur daily rhythm and yur marriage will thank yu! Peacemaking She Wants Yu t Say, I m Srry ch. 12 Cnflict isn t bad! Gd marriages will have lts f cnflict, and ften bad marriages will have very little cnflict. The difference is that in gd marriages they wrk ut the cnflict and use it as a way t cnnect mre deeply. Are yu having the same argument ver and ver? Perhaps yu are nt truly making peace with each ther. It is imprtant t find the rt cause f the cnflict (hint: it s prbably nt the dishes). When yu find the real reasn yu re in cnflict it is vital t admit yur wn fault in causing the cnflict. Thugh it takes tw t tang, yu can nly change yur actins and yu can nly aplgize fr yur actins. D what yu can, and let yur spuse d their part dn t try t d the ther persn s jb. Lyalty She Needs t Knw Yu re Cmmitted ch. 13 She needs cnstant assurance that yu re are a ne wman man. Yur vw was, until death that includes nw t. Praise her in frnt f thers. Ask her pinin n imprtant decisins. Dn t lk lustfully at ther wmen. Let her knw yur plans. Keep yur cmmitments t her. Esteem She Wants Yu t Hnr and Cherish Her ch. 14 Yur wife wants t knw that yu have her n yur mind and heart first and fremst. D yur best t remember what she likes (it s k t ask her, just nt right befre yu are suppsed t knw). Cmmunicate, verbally and nn-verbally, that she is the mst imprtant persn in yur life. Shw yur lve in public, with wrds and actins (give her a big smch and tell her hw prud yu are f her). Nte: Wives, help him by being gracius in accepting cmpliments. If yu tell him he s wrng, then he ll stp ding it. All yu have t say is: Thank Yu.

6 The Energizing Cycle: CHAIRS hw t spell respect t yur husband (chs ) Wives d nt need a lt f caching n being lving. It is smething Gd built int them, and they d it naturally. Hwever, they d need help with respect. (pg. 183) Just like COUPLE is the key t energizing wmen, CHAIRS is the key t energizing men. Shwing men the respect they crave is the surest way t mtivate them t serve and lve. Try this experiment: tell him that yu respect him, and give him reasns why. Cnquest Appreciate His Desire t Wrk and Achieve (ch. 16) This is nt a chauvinistic type f cnquest where men cnquer wmen! Cnquest signifies men s desire t d well in their wrk. They want t g ut and cnquer the wrld. Adam was created and given the task f wrking the Garden f Eden. Eve was created because Adam culd nt d it alne. Men need a jb, a purpse, but they als need wmen t help them achieve that purpse. Men ften identify themselves by their wrk and find their self wrth in their jb. Disparaging cmments abut a man s jb make him feel belittled as a persn. A man wants his wman t believe in him and what he des. Cnquest is different frm being a wrkahlic. But it is impssible t cure wrkahlism by attacking the wrk. Try a respectful apprach instead. Hierarchy Appreciate His Desire t Prtect and Prvide (ch. 17) Again, biblical hierarchy is nt sexist. It reflects what scripture says in Ephesians 5:23-24: Fr the husband is the head f the wife as Christ is the head f the church, his bdy, f which he is the Savir. Nw as the church submits t Christ, s als wives shuld submit t their husbands in everything. Biblical hierarchy r headship is a psitin f sacrifice and service. Husbands want t prvide fr and prtect their families. Remember Ephesians 5:21 sets all f this in the cntexts f mutual submissin. Even thugh the husband is head f the wife that des nt release him frm the respnsibility t submit t her. The prblem many wmen have tday including Christian wives is that they want t be treated like a princess, but deep dwn they resist treating their husbands like the king. (pg ) Authrity Appreciate His Desire t Serve and t Lead (ch. 18) Authrity gives him the ability t carry ut the respnsibilities that Gd has placed n him t serve, and if necessary, die fr the family. All authrity has been given t Jesus (Matthew 28:18) and he uses his authrity t lvingly guided and serve. Men are t d the same thing. It is impssible fr him t be the head that Gd has called him t be withut authrity. In the cntext f Lve and Respect nearly every cnflict can be reslved t the agreement f everyne invlved.

7 When there is a rare ccasin where cmprmise is impssible then his authrity ught t be respected. Very ften, given the authrity and respnsibility t lead and serve the family, a man will make the chice that is the biggest sacrifice fr him in rder t spare his family. Insight Appreciate His Desire t Analyze and Cunsel (ch. 19) Wmen have intuitin that helps them and shuld be heeded by men, but men have insight which wmen shuld respect. Tgether they make a pwerful cmbinatin. Husbands and wives need each ther. (pg. 231) Smetimes yur husband can give yu valuable advice t help with prblems yu can let him try t fix yu nce in a while. Remember, he s built t find and fix prblems. Maybe after yu have had time t vent yur feelings yu culd ask fr his advice. Remember, Gd made male and female fr a reasn we are bth a part f the image f Gd and nly tgether d we cmplete the picture. Relatinship Appreciate His Desire fr Shulder-t-Shulder Friendship (ch. 20)... men cmmunicate by sharing experiences. Wmen share experiences by talking abut them t each ther, examining and infusing the experiences with their impressins and emtins. Men are different. They share their experiences by sharing an activity. Sitting next t each ther and watching TV r taking part in a mutual activity can build the relatinship withut any wrds being spken. Men cnnect with ne anther thrugh shulder-t-shulder activities that require little r n talking. Thrugh this time the friendship deepens t where they can pen up t ne anther n a very deep level. Wives can use this methd t cnnect with their husbands and that will encurage them t pen up t their wives. Sexuality Appreciate His Desire fr Sexual Intimacy (ch. 21)... just as the devil will d everything he can t bring tw peple tgether sexually befre marriage, he des everything he can t keep them away frm each ther after marriage. (pg. 250) Respnding t yur husband sexually shws that yu respect his need fr sexual release. Then he will be mtivated t fulfill yur need fr emtinal release. Wives, what if yur husband didn t talk t yu fr three days... three weeks... r three mnths? (pg. 252)

8 The Rewarded Cycle Perhaps the majr prblem that keeps s many cuples smewhere between the Crazy Cycle and the Energizing Cycle is the fear that, even thugh they try t practice the Lve and Respect Cnnectin, it wn t wrk. (pg. 267) The Real Reasn t Lve and Respect (ch. 23) What s the pint in shwing lve/respect if it wn t be reciprcated? Dn t give up trust Gd t wrk. If yu dn t see changes right away, dn t stp shwing lve/respect. It takes time fr peple t change. Dn t give up... Dn t interpret delay as defeat... Mst ften, lve r respect is wrking n yur spuse mre than yu realize... Have cnfidence that Gd will wrk. (pg. 270) Shwing uncnditinal lve/respect is being bedient t Gd. Even if yur spuse desn t respnd, Gd still wants yu t be bedient t him. Serve whleheartedly, as if yu were serving the lrd, nt men, because yu knw that the Lrd will reward everyne fr whatever gd he des. Ephesians 6:7-8 What matters t Gd, matters! The Truth Can Make Yu Free, Indeed (ch. 24) It is pintless t try t assign a percentage f respnsibility fr prblems in a marriage. Yu are 100% respnsible fr yur respnse t the situatin. Taking respnsibility fr hw yu respnd is freeing, because n ne else can make yu d anything. Free peple realize that n ther persn can heal them; yur health and well being cme frm Gd and yu. Accrding t Jesus, yu are free if yu want t be. Yur spuse can affect yu, but yur spuse des nt cntrl yu. (pg. 287) One f the rewards is a legacy. Yur family can see the example f lve and respect and learn t emulate it. One pssible reward is t influence yur spuse Gd s way. Gd desn t want us t cerce r frce ur spuse, but t shw them lve/respect. Pink and Blue Can Make Gd s Purple (cnclusin) Men and wmen are bth parts f the image f Gd. Marriage brings men and wmen tgether t make them ne this cmpletes the image f Gd. When we mature tgether thrugh lve and respect we becme a beautiful reflectin f Gd s image!