Boundaries in Marriage By Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

Transcription

1 Bundaries in Marriage By Dr. Henry Clud & Dr. Jhn Twnsend A Tale f Tw Cuples Mst f us have n greater desire and prayer than a lifetime f lve and cmmitment t ne persn with whm we can share life. Marriage is ne f Gd s greatest gifts t humanity. It is the mystery f living as ne flesh with anther human being (Ephesians 5:31-32). Marriage is first and fremst abut lve. It is bund tgether by the care, need, cmpaninship, and values f tw peple, which can vercme hurt, immaturity, and selfishness t frm smething better than what each persn alne can prduce. Lve is at the heart f marriage, as it is at the heart f Gd himself (1 Jhn 4:16). Yet, lve is nt enugh. The marriage relatinship needs ther ingredients t grw and thrive. Thse ingredients are freedm and respnsibility. When tw peple are free t disagree, they are free t lve. When they are nt free, they live in fear, and lve dies: Perfect lve drives ut fear (1 Jhn 4:18). And when tw peple tgether take respnsibility t d what is best fr the marriage, lve can grw. When they d nt, ne takes n t much respnsibility and resents it; the ther des nt take n enugh and becmes self-centered r cntrlling. Freedm and respnsibility prblems in a marriage will cause lve t struggle. When peple grw in character, they grw in the ability t set and receive bundaries in their marriages, and they mature. When they resist hearing the wrd n, they remain immature. Many peple believe that as we humans grw up physically, we autmatically grw up emtinally as well, but that s simply nt true. Age is a necessary but insufficient requirement fr grwing up. There are immature ld peple, and there are apprpriately mature yung peple. Tday is the day t wrk n yur wn bundaries in marriage. As the Bible teaches, make the mst f tday, fr the days are evil (Ephesians 5:16). What yu take initiative t deal with tday will affect the rest f yur married life. And what yu ignre r are afraid t address will d the same. Bundaries in Marriage is nt abut fixing, changing, r punishing yur mate. If yu aren t in cntrl f yurself, the slutin is nt learning t cntrl smene else. The slutin is learning self-cntrl, ne f the nine fruits f the Spirit (Galatians 5:23). S dn t lk at this bk as a way t make smene else grw up. It is mre abut taking wnership f yur wn life s that yu are prtected and yu can lve and prtect yur spuse withut enabling r rescuing him r her. Chapter One- What s a Bundary, Anyway? The Imprtance f Bundaries The issues are different fr many cuples, but the perplexity is ften the same. One spuse feels smething is missing, but she can t figure ut what it is. She tries t d the right things. She gives, sacrifices, hnrs the cmmitment, and believes the best. And yet she desn t achieve intimacy, r wrse than that, she desn t avid pain.

2 In sme cases, the cnfusin hides itself behind the simplistic explanatins that prblems such as addictin, irrespnsibility, cntrl, r abuse prvide. In ther cases, there may be n prblems, but the marriage des nt live up t the prmise that ne r bth f the partners had in the beginning. Cmmitment may be strng, but lve, intimacy, and deep sharing are nt present. Why des this happen with tw peple wh are s cmmitted t the relatinship? When bundaries are nt established in the beginning f a marriage, r when they break dwn, marriages break dwn as well. Or such marriages dn t grw past the initial attractin and transfrm int real intimacy. They never reach the true knwing f each ther and the nging ability t abide in lve and t grw as individuals and as a cuplethe lng-term fulfillment that was Gd s design. Fr this intimacy t develp and grw, there must be bundaries. What is a bundary? In the simplest sense, a bundary is a prperty line. It dentes the beginning and end f smething. Ownership In relatinships, wnership is als very imprtant. If I knw where the bundaries are in ur relatinship. I knw wh wns things such as feelings, attitudes, and behavirs as well. I knw t whm they belng. And if there is a prblem with ne f thse, I knw t whm the prblem belngs as well. A relatinship like marriage requires each partner t have a sense f wnership f himself r herself. The first way in which clarifying bundaries helps us is t knw where ne persn ends and the ther begins. What is the prblem, and where is it? Is it in yu, r is it in me? Once we knw the bundaries, we knw wh shuld be wning whichever prblem we are wrestling with. Respnsibility Bundaries help us t determine wh is respnsible fr what. If we understand wh wns what, we then knw wh must take respnsibility fr it. If we can discver wh is respnsible fr what, we have an pprtunity fr change. If we can see that the prblem is ur prblem and that we are respnsible fr it, then we are in the driver s seat f change. Fr the first time, we are empwered. Respnsibility als invlves actin. If smething is ging t happen, it s ging t happen because we take actin. We need t change sme attitudes, r behavirs, r reactins, r chices. We must actively participate in the reslutin f whatever relatinal prblem we might have, even if it is nt ur fault. Each spuse must take respnsibility fr the fllwing things: Feelings Attitudes Behavirs Chices Limits Desires Thughts Values Talents Lve

3 Respnsibility tells us we are the nes wh must wrk thrugh ur feelings and learn hw t feel differently. Our attitudes-nt thse f ur spuse-cause us t feel distressed and pwerless. Hw we behave and react is part f the prblem and we have t change these patterns. We allw urselves t get pushed beynd certain limits and then becme resentful r pwerless. We d nt turn desires int accmplished gals, r we d nt deal with ur sick desires. Respnsibility empwers us t have a gd life. T give Adam and Eve the respnsibility Gd gave them was t empwer them t have the life all f us desire-ne filled with lve, wnderful surrundings, and lts f pprtunities t use ur abilities and talents. He gave them the ability and the pprtunity t make the life they chse. When they did nt chse in a life-giving way, they als bre the respnsibility fr that chice as well, just as we d. But the gd news f bundaries is that Gd s plan f respnsibility has nt changed. We are nt at the mercy f ur spuse s behavir r prblems. Each spuse can act bth t avid being a victim f the ther spuse s prblems and, better yet, t change the marriage relatinship itself. The prcess always begins with taking respnsibility fr yur wn part in the prblem. Freedm Gd designed the entire creatin fr freedm. We were nt meant t be enslaved by each ther; we were meant t lve each ther freely. Gd designed us t have freedm f chice as we respnded t life, t ther peple, t Gd, and t urselves. But when we turned frm Gd, we lst ur freedm. We became enslaved t sin, t self-centeredness, t ther peple, t guilt, and t a whle hst f ther dynamics. Bundaries help us t realize ur freedm nce again. Listen t the way that Paul tells the Galatians t set bundaries against any type f cntrl and becme free: It was fr freedm that Christ set us free; therefre keep standing firm and d nt be subject again t a yke f slavery (Galatians 5:1) Gd tells us t nt be subject t any kind f enslaving cntrl at all. The Triangle f Bundaries Three realities have existed since the beginning f time: 1. Freedm 2. Respnsibility 3. Lve Gd created us free. He gave us respnsibility fr ur freedm. And as respnsible free agents, we are tld t lve him and each ther. This emphasis runs thrughut the whle Bible. When we d these three things-live free, take respnsibility fr ur wn freedm, and lve Gd and each ther-then life, including marriage, can be an Eden experience. Smething incredible happens as these three ingredients f relatinship wrk tgether. As lve grws, spuses becme mre free frm the things that enslave: self-centeredness, sinful patterns, past hurts, and ther self-impsed limitatins. Then, they gain a greater and greater sense f self-cntrl and respnsibility. As they act mre respnsibly, they becme mre lving. And then the cycle begins all ver again. As lve grws s des freedm, leading t mre respnsibility, and t mre lve. This is why a cuple wh has been married fr fifty r mre years can say that the marriage gets better and better as time ges n. They becme mre free t be themselves as a result f being lved, and the lve relatinship deepens.

4 Where there is n freedm, there is slavery, and where there is slavery, there will be rebellin. Als, where there is n respnsibility, there is bndage. Where we d nt take wnership and d what we are suppsed t d with ur wn stuff, we will be stuck at a certain level f relatinship, and we will nt be able t g deeper. Lve can nly exist where freedm and respnsibility are perating. Lve creates mre freedm that leads t mre respnsibility, which leads t mre and mre ability t lve. Prtectin Yu need prtective bundaries that yu can put up when evil is present and can let dwn when the danger is ver. Self-Cntrl There is a lt f misunderstanding abut bundaries. Sme peple are against bundaries because they see them as selfish; ther peple actually use them t be selfish. Bth are wrng. Bundaries are basically abut self-cntrl. My client culd nt say t her husband, Yu can t speak t me that way. This demand is unenfrceable. But she culd say what she wuld r wuld nt d if he spke t her that way again. She culd set a bundary n herself. She culd say, If yu speak t me that way, I will walk ut f the rm. This threat is ttally enfrceable because it has t d with her. She wuld be setting a bundary with the nly persn she culd cntrl: herself. If smene trespasses yur persnal bundaries in sme way, yu can take cntrl f yurself and nt allw yurself t be cntrlled, r hurt, anymre. This is self-cntrl. And ultimately, self-cntrl serves lve, nt selfishness. We hpe that when yu take cntrl f yurself, yu will lve better and mre purpsefully and intentinally s that yu and yur spuse can have the intimacy yu desire. Examples f Bundaries Gd has equipped us with special bundaries fr the interpersnal realm. Wrds The mst basic bundary is language. Yur wrds help define yu. They tell the ther persn wh yu are, what yu believe, what yu want, and what yu dn t. Here are sme examples f wrds being used as bundaries: N, I dn t want t d that. N, I wn t participate in that. Yes, I want t d that. I will. I like that. I dn t like that. Yur wrds, r lack f them, define yu t anther persn.

5 Truth Truth is anther imprtant bundary. Gd s truth and principles prvide the bundaries f ur existence, and as we live within this truth, we are safe. Here are sme truths that help define the structure f hw we are t relate: D nt lie. D nt cmmit adultery. D nt cvet. Give t thers. Lve ne anther. Be cmpassinate. Frgive. As we structure ur relatinships arund Gd s eternal truths, ur relatinships succeed and thrive. When we crss these bundaries, we lst the security that truth prvides. In additin, being hnest and truthful abut urselves and what is ging n in a relatinship prvides bundaries. Nt being truthful t ne anther gives a false impressin f where we are, as well as wh we are. If we are nt being truthful with each ther, ur real relatinship ges int hiding. Then, instead f ne real relatinship, we have tw relatinships: the utside relatinship, which is false; and the inside, hidden relatinship, which is true. Intimacy is lst, and s is lve. Lve and truth must exist tgether. Cnsequences Gd has given us the Law f Swing and Reaping t cmmunicate what is acceptable and what is nt. If we just use wrds, thers smetimes d nt get the message. In fact, peple in denial are deaf t wrds f truth. They nly respnd t pain and lss. Cnsequences shw where ur bundary line is. Sme spuses need severe cnsequences like separatin. Others need less severe nes, like the fllwing, t define imprtant bundaries: Canceling a credit card Leaving fr the party alne when the perpetually late partner desn t cme hme by the agreed upn departure time Ging ahead and eating dinner when a spuse is late fr the thusandth time Ending an abusive cnversatin Refusing t bail smene ut f a jam because f perpetual irrespnsibility, like verspending r nt cmpleting wrk n time. Emtinal Distance Smetimes ne f the partners in a hurtful relatinship is nt willing t change. The partner cntinues t d hurtful things. Or, smetimes a spuse may have betrayed a trust r had an affair, and even thugh he has repented, nt enugh time has passed fr the spuse t prve himself trustwrthy. In these situatins, trust may nt be wise. But it is prudent t cntinue t interact in the relatinship and t wrk the prblem ut. Guarding ne s heart might include saying the fllwing: I lve yu, but I dn t trust yu. I can t be that clse until we wrk this ut. When yu can be kind, we can be clse again. When yu shw yu are serius abut getting sme help, I will feel safe enugh t pen up t yu again. I can t share deep feelings if yu are ging t punish me fr them.

6 In these instances, the cuple has a cmmitment t wrk n things alng with the wisdm t guard the heart with sme emtinal distance until it is safe and prudent t mve clser. This prevents further hurt and deteriratin f the relatinship. We cautin yu, hwever, that yu must take this stance nly with a pure heart. Impure hearts use bundaries t act ut feelings such as revenge and anger. Because nne f us is pure, we have t search ur mtives fr establishing bundaries t make sure that they serve lve and nt ur impure mtives. Using distance r withdrawal f lve, fr example, t punish the ther is a sign that we are setting bundaries nt t reslve the cnflict, but t get revenge. Physical Distance Smetimes, when all else fails, peple must get away frm each ther until the hurt can stp. Distance can prvide time t prtect, time t think, time t heal, and time t learn new things. In severe cases, prtective separatin prevents actual danger. Physical distance can be minimal, r mre significant: Remving neself frm an argument r heated situatin Taking sme time away frm ne anther t srt things ut Mving ut t get treatment fr an addictin Separating frm physical abuse r substance abuse Mving int a shelter t prtect children These bundaries prtect the marriage and the spuse frm further harm. Other Peple Gd has always prvided help frm his family t thse wh need it. Here are sme ways: Use a third party t help yu reslve cnflict. Use a third party t help yu prtect and supprt yurself. Use a grup fr healing and strengthening. Use thers t teach yu bundaries. Use cunselrs, friends, r pastrs t prvide the safe place t wrk n difficult issues. Use shelters in extreme situatins. Take care, hwever, that ther peple are helping and nt hurting. Other peple may be unhelpful if they help yu hide frm cnflict instead f trying t reslve it. Time Time is anther bundary that structures difficulties in relatinships. Sme peple need time t wrk ut a cnflict r t limit the cnflict itself: Give yurself an alltted time t talk abut certain things: We will discuss ur budget fr ne hur, and then we will leave it alne until next week. Set a certain time t wrk n a particular issue instead f discussing it in the heat f the mment. Establish seasns fr certain gals: This summer we will wrk n ur cmmunicatin, and in the fall wrk n ur sexual difficulties. Bundaries are nly built and established in the cntext f relatinship. T run frm a relatinship as the first step f bundaries is nt t have bundaries at all. It is a defense against develping bundaries with anther persn. The nly place bundaries are real is within relatinship.

7 Chapter Tw- Applying the Ten Laws f Bundaries t Marriage Law #1: The Law f Swing and Reaping The Law f Swing and Reaping, simply put, means that ur actins have cnsequences. When we d lving, respnsible things, peple draw clse t us. When we are unlving r irrespnsible, peple withdraw frm us by emtinally shutting dwn, r aviding us, r eventually leaving the relatinship. Gd designed marriage t be a place nt nly f lve, but f grwth. One pathway t grwth is learning that actins have cnsequences. Since marriage is such a clse, lngterm relatinship, spuses deeply affect each ther with their actins. It is an act f lve t allw ur spuse t reap the effects f his selfishness r irrespnsibility-unless, f curse, we are acting ut f revenge r a desire t see ur spuse suffer. Bundaries are the key t beying this Law f Swing and Reaping. When we set and keep limits with ur spuse, we are saying t him, I may lve yu, but I m nt paying fr yur prblems. Refusing t rescue yur spuse-such as by refusing t cheer him up when he is puting, sacrificing t pay ff his credit card bill, calling in sick fr him when he has been ut partying the night befre-helps keep the prblem with him. This first law is played ut in the tw main areas f marriage: relatinship and functin. The relatinal part f marriage invlves the emtinal tie tw peple have t each ther, such as hw deeply cnnected they are and hw they feel abut each ther, bth psitively and negatively. The functinal part f marriage has t d with the ding aspects f the relatinship, such as paying bills, managing time, cking meals, keeping huse, and rearing children. In the relatinal aspect f marriage, swing and reaping has t d with hw spuses affect and impact each ther s heart. In the functinal aspect, swing and reaping is mre easily identifiable, because tasks are mre cncrete. Fr example, a husband may sw verspending, while his wife reaps the result by having t get a jb, r by scrimping n fd and ther necessities t meet the family budget. Or a wife may sw careless husekeeping, while her husband reaps discmfrt in his wn hme and embarrassment when cmpany cmes ver. In either aspect, the prblem is the same: The ne wh has the prblem isn t facing the effects f the prblem. And things dn t change in a marriage until the spuse wh is taking respnsibility fr a prblem that is nt hers decides t say r d smething abut it. Law #2: The Law f Respnsibility The Law f Respnsibility is this: We are respnsible t each ther, but nt fr each ther. The Bible teaches it this way. Carry each ther s burdens, and in this way yu will fulfill the law f Christ and each ne shuld carry his wn lad (Galatians 6:2,5). The wrd burden indicates a back-breaking bulder, such as a financial, health, r emtinal crisis. Spuses actively supprt each ther when ne is carrying an verwhelming burden. The term lad, hwever, indicates ne s daily respnsibilities f life. This includes ne s feelings, attitudes, values, and handling f life s everyday difficulties. Spuses may help each ther ut with lads, but ultimately, each persn must take care f his wn daily respnsibilities. Tw extremes ccur in marriage when the Law f Respnsibility is nt beyed. On the ne hand, a husband will neglect his respnsibility t lve his wife. He may becme selfish, incnsiderate, r hurtful. He will nt cnsider hw his actins affect and influence his mate. He is nt fllwing Jesus law f hw t treat ne anther: S in everything, d t thers what yu wuld have them d t yu (Matthew 7:12). This is being irrespnsible t a spuse.

8 On the ther hand, a husband may take n respnsibility his wife shuld be bearing. Fr example, his wife may be unhappy, and he may feel respnsible fr her happiness. Perhaps he feels that he isn t making enugh mney, shwing enugh interest in her activities, r helping enugh arund the huse. S he tries and tries t make an unhappy persn happy. This is an impssible prject. While a husband shuld be sympathetic tward his unhappy wife and take respnsibility fr his wn hurtful behavir, he shuldn t take respnsibility fr her feelings. They are hers, and she must handle them herself. Finally, the Law f Respnsibility als means that spuses refuse t rescue r enable the sinful r immature behavir f their partners. Cuples have a duty t set limits n each spuse s destructive acts r attitudes. Law #3: The Law f Pwer Cuples struggle with understanding what they have the pwer t change in their marriages. Mre ften than nt, they are cncerned with changing nt their wn behavir, but their spuse s. Human nature lends itself t trying t change and fix thers s that we can be mre cmfrtable. If yu dn t have pwer t change yur spuse, what d yu have pwer ver? Yu have the pwer t cnfess, submit, and repent f yur wn hurtful ways in yur marriage. Yu can identify these hurtful ways, ask Gd fr his help t vercme them, and be willing t change. Whatever yur spuse des that bthers yu, it s certain that yu d things that bther him als. If yu want yur spuse t listen t yur bundaries, ask him where yu may be vilating his. Yu have the pwer t grw thrugh the unhelpful ways yu are dealing with yur marriage prblems. Yu have the pwer t start identifying ways yu are actively r passively cntributing t the prblem, and yu have the pwer t change yur time. Jesus called this prcess taking the plank ut f ur eye first (Matthew 7:1-5). Law #4: The Law f Respect The Law f Respect states that if we wish fr thers t respect ur bundaries, we need t respect theirs. The Law f Respect fsters lve. Lving yur mate means desiring and prtecting her freedm f chice. It means dying t yur wish fr her t see things yur way and appreciating that she has her wn mind, values, and feelings. Apply the Law f Respect in yur marriage. Dn t strm int the living rm with a list f hw things are ging t change arund this huse. Tell yur spuse yu want yur bundaries respected, and ask him if he feels his are being respected als. Let him knw that yu value and desire him t be free t say n, even if yu dn t like the answer. Ask him sme f the fllwing questins: Hw might I be crssing yur bundaries? D yu feel I respect yur right t say n t me? Will yu let me knw the next time I dn t respect yur freedm? These humbling and uncmfrtable questins shw yu are cncerned fr yur spuse mre than fr yur wn cnvenience. They arise ut f self-sacrifice, and they shw yur genersity f spirit and lve. And they can bind yur marriage tgether. If yur spuse is untrustwrthy, yu may feel yu are putting yurself in the hands f smene wh might use yur respect fr him against yu. Hwever, even untrustwrthy peple need t have their legitimate needs and bundaries respected. This desn t mean, thugh, allwing yurself t be harmed if the spuse is unsafe. Respect his bundaries and still set limits n his untrustwrthiness.

9 Respecting and valuing yur mate s bundaries is the key t being clse and lving. Yur spuse experiences the gift f freedm frm yu and sees the lve yu are extending in giving this freedm. When yu respect yur spuse s bundaries, yu are paving the way t having yurs respected. Law #5: The Law f Mtivatin The Law f Mtivatin states that we must be free t say n befre we can whleheartedly say yes. N ne can actually lve anther if he feels he desn t have a chice nt t. Giving yur time, lve, r vulnerability t yur spuse requires that yu make yur wn chice based n yur values, nt ut f fear. Having t d anything is a sign that smene is afraid. The fllwing fears prevent a spuse frm setting bundaries in marriage: Fear f lsing lve Fear f a spuse s anger Fear f being alne Fear f being a bad persn Fear f ne s guilty feelings Fear f nt reciprcating the lve smene has given (thus hurting his r her feelings) Fear f lsing the apprval f thers Fear f hurting ne s spuse because f veridentifying with his r her pain Fear always wrks against lve. The have t destrys the chse t. Cnversely, lve drives ut fear (1 Jhn 4:18). When we are freely chsing t lve, we are n lnger driven by the abve fears. We are driven by affectin. If yu struggle with any f these fears, wrk n maturing thrugh them, s that they d nt cntrl yu and rb yu f yur bundaries. T the extent that yu are free t say n, yu are free t say yes t smething yur spuse wants. This is why smetimes in marriage it is a gd grwth practice t say, I can t whleheartedly say yes t this, s I ll have t say n at this time. This gives yu time and space t wrk ut what the best ptin truly is. It als saves yur spuse frm a resentful, withdrawn mate. N spuse in his right mind really wants a mate wh cmplies with his wishes ut f fear. He des nt experience lve, penness, r freedm frm her. She may be there is bdy, but nt in sul. The Law f Mtivatin helps keep fear ut f the picture. Law #6: The Law f Evaluatin Just because smene is in pain desn t necessarily mean smething bad is happening. Smething gd might be ging n, such as a spuse learning t grw up. And this is the essence f the Law f Evaluatin: We need t evaluate the pain ur bundaries cause thers. D they cause pain that leads t injury? Or d they cause pain that leads t grwth? It is unlving t set limits with a spuse t harm him. This is revenge, which is in Gd s hands, nt urs (Rmans 12:19). But it can be just as unlving t avid setting a limit with yur spuse because yu dn t want him t be uncmfrtable. Smetimes discmfrt is an pprtunity fr grwth. Yu may need t cnfrnt yur spuse, give him a warning, r set a cnsequence. D nt neglect setting limits in yur marriage because f a fear f causing pain. Pain can be the best friend yur relatinship has ever had.

10 Law #7: The Law f Practivity The Law f Practivity is taking actin t slve prblems based n yur values, wants, and needs. Practive peple slve prblems withut having t blw up. They are their bundaries, s they dn t have t d a bundary as ften as reactive flks d. The Law f Practivity has three facets: (1) Reactive bundaries are a necessary part f grwth and marriage. Many peple wh have been victimized r pwerless need the freedm that cmes frm strenuusly prtesting sme evil r bad thing. At the same time, (2) reactive bundaries are nt sufficient fr grwth. Impulsive screaming matches aren t adult behavirs. Lve can be lst, and a lt f damage can be dne when a spuse desn t grw ut f her victim rle f cnstant prtest. That is why (3) practive bundaries maintain lve, freedm, and reality in relatinships. Practive peple keep their freedm, and they disagree and cnfrnt issues all the time in marriage. But they are able t hld n t the lve they have fr their spuse, and they d nt get caught up in an emtinal strm. They have wrked thrugh their reactive stage. Law #8: The Law f Envy The mst pwerful bstacle t setting bundaries in marriage is envy. The Law f Envy states that we will never get what we want if we fcus utside f ur bundaries n what thers have. Envy is devaluing what we have, thinking it s nt enugh. We then fcus n what thers have, all the while resenting them fr having gd things we dn t pssess. D nt cnfuse envy with desire. Desire invlves wanting smething, and it mtivates us t take actin t pssess it. Gd wants t give us ur desires (Psalm 37:4). Desire desn t fcus n ur emptiness, nr hw lucky thers seem t be. Desire preserves the gdness and value f what we have and f thse we are in relatinship with. Yu can t set limits in marriage until yu are lking at yurself as part f the prblem and as a great deal f the slutin. Wrk thrugh envy, wn yur prblems, and take actin. Law #9: The Law f Activity The Law f Activity states that we need t take the initiative t slve ur prblems rather than being passive. All things being equal, active spuses have an edge in bundary setting. Taking initiative increases ne s chances t learn frm mistakes. Active peple make lts f mistakes, and wise nes grw frm them (Hebrews 5:14). They try smething, experience a limit, and adapt. They experience the depth f Gd s frgiveness because they d things fr which they need t be frgiven. Passive peple have truble learning because they are afraid t take risks. Because f this, they als have a harder time taking charge f their lives and bundaries. Gd is nt pleased with thse wh shrink back in passivity (Hebrews 10:38). He wants his peple t participate in life with him, nt wait n the sidelines. When ne spuse is active and the ther passive, several prblems can ccur: The active spuse may dminate the passive ne. The active spuse may feel abandned by the passive ne. The passive spuse may becme t dependent n the active ne s initiative. The passive spuse may resent the pwer f the active ne. The passive spuse may be t intimidated by the active ne t say n. When bth spuses are active in bundary setting, when they bth speak the truth, slve prblems, and set gals, they will bth grw. They can als rest in the security that if they dn t address a prblem, their mate can be depended n t d it. Their lve grws and deepens, as they are always mving tward each ther. One is nt cnstantly waiting fr the ther t take the first step. Dn t wait fr yur spuse t take the first step. Assume the first mve is always yurs. If yu tend t be the passive spuse, let yur

11 mate knw hw risky it is fr yu t take initiative, and ask her t help yu becme mre active. Yu re in gd cmpany. This is hw Gd des it. Even when he didn t cause a prblem (ur sinfulness), he tk the initiative t slve it (the Crss). Law #10: The Law f Expsure The Law f Expsure states that we need t cmmunicate ur bundaries t each ther. Gd designed bundaries t prmte lve and truth. Spuses need t make clear what they d r dn t want. They need t wrk n understanding what their spuse is saying abut their bundaries. When bundaries are expsed, tw suls can be cnnected in the marriage. But when bundaries are unexpsed, spuses are less emtinally present in the marriage, and lve struggles. When we expse ur bundaries t the light f relatinship, we can be fully cnnected t ur spuses. We can reslve prblems, and we can take a stand t actively lve ur spuses by risking cnflict fr the sake f the relatinship. Expsure is the nly way fr healing and grwth t take place. THE TEN LAWS OF BOUNDARIES 1. The Law f Swing and Reaping: Our actins have cnsequences. 2. The Law f Respnsibility: We are respnsible t each ther, but nt fr each ther. 3. The Law f Pwer: We have pwer ver sme things; we dn t have pwer ver thers (including changing peple). 4. The Law f Respect: If we wish fr thers t respect ur bundaries, we need t respect theirs. 5. The Law f Mtivatin: We must be free t say n befre we can whleheartedly say yes. 6. The Law f Evaluatin: We need t evaluate the pain ur bundaries cause thers. 7. The Law f Practivity: We take actin t slve prblems based n ur values, wants, and needs. 8. The Law f Envy: We will never get what we want if we fcus utside ur bundaries nt what thers have. 9. The Law f Activity: We need t take the initiative in setting limits rather than be passive. 10. The Law f Expsure: We need t cmmunicate ur bundaries t each ther. Chapter 3- Setting Bundaries with Yurself Whse Prblem is it Anyway? When yu cease t blame yur spuse and wn the prblem as yurs, yu are then empwered t make changes t slve yur prblem. The reality f bundaries in marriage is that n matter what the issue in yur marriage, yu need t take the initiative t slve it. Yu may have a spuse wh Is chrnically late Is financially irrespnsible Withdraws and avids relatinship Becmes angry Attempts t cntrl yu Thugh yu may share n blame in creating these prblems, yu prbably need t take sme initiative in slving them. This ften seems unfair t peple. They will say, Why shuld I have t slve a prblem I didn t cause? This is a legitimate questin. Hwever, the questin expses a demand fr fairness that will never exist in a fallen

12 wrld. Such a questin keeps peple prtesting and cmplaining while still mired in the prblem. Gd sees it anther way. He says that n matter wh causes a prblem, we are t take steps t slve it. If ur brther has smething against us, we are t g t him (Matthew 5:23-24). And at the same time, if ur brther sins against us, we are t g t him (Matthew 18:15). Fault is irrelevant; we need t wrk t reslve the prblem. Remving the Plank Anther reasn we need t lk first at ur wn bundaries n urselves is that, mre ften than nt, we aren t blameless. Taking Ownership f Our Lives An imprtant aspect f setting bundaries with urselves is that f taking wnership f ur lives. We need t take respnsibility fr ur hearts, ur lves, ur time, and ur talents. We are t wn ur lives and live in Gd s light, grwing up and maturing ur character alng the way: Speaking the truth in lve, we will in all things grw up int him wh is the Head, that is, Christ (Ephesians 4:15). This is ur jb, and n ne else s. We are mre cncerned abut the persn wh is making us crazy r miserable than we are abut the state f ur wn suls. Blaming smene else shifts the light f truth frm us t smene else. When we neglect setting bundaries with urselves and fcus instead n setting bundaries with thse we think srely need limits, we have limited ur wn spiritual grwth. As in any grwth prcess, spiritual grwth prceeds t the level that we invest in it. When we nly invest in changing smene else, they get the benefit f ur effrts, but the imprtant wrk we have t d has been neglected. We must becme mre deeply cncerned abut ur wn issues than ur spuse s. We cannt verstate the imprtance f this idea. One f the mst frightening facts in existence is that Gd will smeday call us t accunt fr ur lives here n earth. (2 Crinthians 5:10). At that meeting, we will nt be able t blame, hide behind, r deflect t the sins and prblems f ur spuse. It will be a ne-n-ne cnversatin with Gd. Bundaries with yurself are a much bigger issue than bundaries in yur marriage. In the end, while we are nly partly respnsible fr grwing ur marriages, we are cmpletely respnsible t Gd fr develping ur very suls. Yu are respnsible fr half f yur marriage and all f yur sul. Bundaries n yurself are between yu and Gd. Being the Gd Spuse In many marriages, ne mate is mre bviusly selfish, irrespnsible, withdrawn, r cntrlling. The ther is perceived as a suffering saint, and peple wnder hw he tlerates the pain f living with such a prblem persn. This ften makes it hard fr the gd spuse t set apprpriate bundaries fr himself. Secnd, the gd spuse ften feels helpless in the relatinship. He has tried t lve better and mre, yet the prblem cntinues. Because being gd generally means being caring and cmpassinate, he desn t have access t ther helpful tls, such as truthfulness, hnesty, limits, and cnsequences. Third, the gd spuse can easily take a mrally superir psitin tward his spuse. Since his cntributins t the prblem may nt be as bvius, he may think, I am nt capable f being as destructive as my mate. This is a dangerus psitin t take. We are all capable f just abut anything, due t ur wn sinful nature (Rmans 3:10-18). We

13 need t be careful abut this. Any time we fcus n ur gdness, we turn ur hearts away frm ur need fr lve and frgiveness. Living by the Same Rules We need t realize ur need fr limits because we need t submit urselves t the same rules we want ur partner t submit t. Submitting t the bundary prcess is the great equalizer in marriage and keeps bth spuses in a mutual relatinship instead f in a neup r ne-dwn ne. Bth need t accept and respect the limits f the ther; n ne plays Gd, ding what he wants and expecting the ther t cmply. Freeing Yur Spuse by Setting Limits n Yurself When yu set limits n yurself, yu create an envirnment in which yur spuse can becme free t chse and grw. The highest calling f a spuse is the call t lve, just as it is the highest calling f ur faith: lving Gd and each ther (Matthew 22:37-40). Lve means ding what yu can fr yur spuse. And setting bundaries n yur wn character weaknesses is ne f the mst lving things yu can d in yur marriage. When yu grw, yu becme mre tender, mre empathic, and yet mre hnest and firm in yur cnvictins. Yu becme smene wh is better t live with. Prcess, Nt Perfectin When we lk at ur wn character issues, we cannt will urselves t maturity. We dn t have the pwer t change ur spuse; nr can we change ur destructive behavirs and attitudes by just saying n. Hwever, we d have sme pwer and chices. We can chse t tell the truth abut ur faults. We can chse t bring thse faults int the light f relatinship. We can chse t repent f them and t wrk them ut and mature them. Setting limits n urselves smetimes simply invlves taking a trublesme emtin, behavir, r attitude t a supprtive relatinship, instead f acting n it. Here are sme character issues in ur wn lives n which we can set limits: Playing Gd- By human nature, we try t play Gd instead f seeking him. We need t cntinually wn this wrst and mst hurtful aspect f ur character. By playing Gd, we miss the mark in lving, being respnsible, and caring abut the welfare f ur spuse. Submit this part f yurself t Gd s authrity. Let him knw that the desire t play Gd is larger than yur pwer t stp it, and ask fr his help. Stay cnnected t the life f Gd and his peple. Practice the spiritual disciplines f wrship, prayer, fellwship, and Scripture reading. Denial- When we d nt admit the truth abut wh we are, we give ur spuse n ne with whm t cnnect. What we deny abut urselves is absent frm lve. If, fr example, yu deny yur struggle with insecurity by attempting t be strng, yur spuse cannt lve and have cmpassin fr yur insecure parts. This impverishes the marriage bnd and prevents a deeper cnnectin with yur spuse. Withdrawal frm Relatinship- Failing t make and keep emtinal cnnectins is a serius character issue. One r bth spuses pull away and avid being pen and vulnerable with each ther. Emtinal islatin withdraws the mst basic part f urselves frm the surce f life: relatedness t Gd and thers. Thugh the ideal f marriage is that all parts f ne spuse cnnect t all parts f the ther, mst cuples struggle with their tendency t withdraw their hearts frm each ther.

14 Irrespnsibility- Sme f us have mre difficulty with taking respnsibility than thers d. The inability t accept anther s n indicates a difficulty in taking wnership f yur wn disappintment and sadness and a struggle in allwing thers freedm. If yu have prblems with respnsibility, here s what yu can d t help: Submit yurself t safe peple wh can cnfrnt yu n yur irrespnsibility. Accept bth cnsequences and feedback fr yur prblem. Tell thers t stp enabling yu. Tell yur spuse that his silence and/r nagging aren t helping yu. Ask him t lve yu, but at the same time t prvide limits fr yu when yu dn t set them n yurself. Self-Centeredness- Nthing is mre natural than t think mre f ur wn situatin than anther s. Marriage cannt be successfully navigated withut ur giving mre f urselves than we are cmfrtable giving. Yet self-absrbed peple ften attempt t live as a single persn within marriage, thinking they can get what is imprtant t them and still pull ff the relatinship. The result is that the spuse feels like an bject, r feels that her wn thughts and feelings aren t valued. The structure f marriage itself is anti-selfish. Marriage expses ur weaknesses and failings t the ther persn. It shws us the limits t ur gdness. It takes away the sense that everything revlves arund us. And nt addressing ur wn egcentrism can hurt. Here are sme ideas t help set bundaries n yur self-centeredness: Ask yur spuse t tell yu when he desn t feel that things are mutual between yu, r when he thinks he has t cnstantly see reality yur way. Learn t let g f the demand t be perfect r special. Say n t the urge t be gd, and learn the skills f frgiveness and grief. Judgmentalism- Many spuses struggle with judging, criticizing, and cndemning thers. If yu have the judge rle in yur marriage, these tasks will help yu grw ut f this psitin: Ask fr feedback n hw yur attitude hurts thse yu lve. Judgmental peple are ften surprised at hw wunding they can be. Becme aware f yur wn attacking cnscience. Mst judging types have a very strict internal judge that punishes them. Learn t receive cmpassin and frgiveness frm Gd and thers fr yur wn failings. Develp cmpassin fr the faults f thers. Bundaries n Our Attempts t Cntrl Of all the aspects f urselves we need t set limits n, ur tendency t cntrl ur spuse is prbably the mst crucial. Ever since the Garden f Eden, we have tried t run each ther s lives. The strategies, manipulatins, and tactics spuses emply t change their mate are endless. And if there is any sure-fire way t destry trust and lve, cntrl is it. We must give ur lve freely. Hw can yu determine if smene is attempting cntrl? Here are several indicatrs: Nt respecting the ther s n. The husband will make several attempts t change the decisin f his spuse and disregard her feelings. Punishing a wrng chice. When the husband chses t d smething the wife desn t like, the wife will act put ut r like a victim, r she will accuse her husband f nt being lving r caring.

15 Nt valuing freedm. The husband will be mre interested in his wife s making the right decisin, than in her free, heartfelt chice. Bad results. The wife wh is being cntrlled will be resentful, act ut, r retaliate. Belw, lk at sme f the ways that cuples attempt t cntrl each ther. Guilt- Guilt messages are intended t make ur spuse feel respnsible fr ur welfare. In ther wrds, guilt cntrls by creating the impressin that ur spuse s freedm injures us. By chsing differently frm us, ur spuse has thus been unlving. Anger- Often, when ne spuse wants smething the ther desn t, the disappinted mate will becme angry. Anger is ur basic prtest against the fact that we are nt Gd and that we cannt cntrl reality. Anger can be direct. It can be cvert, as in passive-aggressive behavirs r sarcastic remarks. It can invlve threats f retaliatin. It can als, in extreme situatins, becme dangerus, as in abusive marriages. Persistent Assaults n the Spuse s Bundary- One persn will say n, then the spuse will make attempt after attempt t change the ther s mind. Like a child wh has learned t keep asking until he hears the answer he wants, the spuse refuses t live with the bundary f the ther. Withhlding Lve- Of all the ways we attempt t cntrl, withhlding lve may be the mst pwerful. When ne spuse disagrees, the ther discnnects emtinally until the spuse changes t suit her. This is s pwerful because Gd created us t need lve and cnnectin as ur surce f life. When smene withdraws this frm us, we are withut the basis f existence. It puts extreme pressure n us t d anything t cnnect t the ne we lve. Submitting t Bundaries n Our Cntrl The spuse wh truly lves his mate and wants her t grw spiritually will, at sme pint, desire t give up these attempts t cntrl. He will be willing t relinquish these strategies in favr f granting freedm and lve. Here are sme f the ways yu can set limits n yur cntrlling attempts. Realize the Cst f Other-Cntrl- The cst f ther-cntrl is that yu might get external cmpliance, but lse yur spuse s heart. Guilt, anger, assaults, and withhlding all negate freedm and lve. The spuse will g alng, but will ften be resentful r emtinally absent. Ask Yur Spuse t Let Yu Knw Hw Yur Cntrl Affects Him- Since marriage is at its cre a bnd f empathy, yur mate s feelings are imprtant t yu. Often, when the cntrlled spuse lets the cntrlling spuse knw hw hurtful and distant the attempts make him, the cntrlling spuse feels cmpassin fr the pain and is able t better set limits n the cntrl. Experience Yur Own Helplessness t Change Yur Spuse- N matter hw much yu wuld like t believe the ppsite, yur spuse will nt change her decisins, pinins, r feelings until she is ready t. Learn t Grieve- Grief helps us t accept the truth and t let g f things we can t change r have. When yu allw yur spuse freedm, yu will ften feel lss and sadness abut lsing what yu desired frm him. Allwing yurself t feel this grief frees yu t accept reality and find new ways t adapt t yur marriage. Wrk Thrugh Dependency Issues- If yur spuse is the nly persn thrugh whm yu can get needs met, yu will have a bent tward cntrlling him. Find surces f lve, apprval, truth, r frgiveness that include yur mate, but are nt limited t him.

16 Be a Separate Persn with Yur Spuse- Smetimes ne mate will define herself by her mate and nt be her wn individual sul. Then, when her spuse disagrees r makes a different decisin, she persnalizes the difference as an attack against her. As yu becme mre defined by yur wn bundaries, yu will experience yur mate s feelings and decisins as having mre t d with him than with yu. This will free yu t allw him t be free. Value Yur Spuse s Freedm As Yu Want Yur Freedm Valued- Remember hw it felt the last time smene attacked yu fr yur freedm t chse and therefre have cmpassin n yur spuse s chices. Set Bundaries with Yur Spuse Instead f Cntrlling Him- Often, a wife will resrt t cntrl strategies because she feels unable t say n r be free with her husband. She may be afraid f her partner s reactins and may feel she can t prtect herself. Cntrl becmes a substitute fr establishing bundaries f selfcntrl with her spuse. As yu set apprpriate limits, yu can feel safe and give up cntrlling yur partner. As yu can see, marriage has mre t d with bringing yurself under the cntrl f Gd and his principles than it des with cntrlling yur spuse. Hwever, as yu relinquish cntrl f yur partner, yu are able t better lve him, prtect yur wn freedm, and prvide a cntext fr bth f yu t grw. Chapter 4- It Takes Tw t Make One Twness The requirement fr neness is tw cmplete peple. The Bible defines a cmplete persn as a mature persn. A cmplete persn is able t d all the things that adult life and relatinship requires: give lve and receive lve, be independent and self-sufficient, live ut values hnestly, be respnsible, have self-cnfidence, deal with prblems and failures, live ut their talents, and have a life. If tw peple wh marry are cmplete, the neness they establish will be cmplete. T the degree that either is less than cmplete as a persn, the neness will suffer under the strain f that incmpleteness. The incmplete partner s lnging fr cmpleteness will take precedence ver what he is able t give t the relatinship, and the relatinship will suffer. S, if ne r bth are cming t the marriage asking the marriage t cmplete them as peple, the marriage will break dwn. Marriage is nt meant t be the place where ne gets cmpleted as a persn. It is meant fr cmplete persns t cme tgether and build a we that is bigger and better than either ne f the I s invlved. As Frederick Buechner says in Whistling in the Dark, A marriage made in Heaven is ne where a man and a wman becme mre richly themselves tgether than the chances are either f them culd ever have managed t becme alne. Fr a marriage t wrk, tw separate individuals need t have sme elements f adulthd. N ne has ever made it t adulthd ready fr all that it requires. The gd news is that yu can grw tward this adulthd, r cmpleteness, and as yu d, yur relatinships will attain mre and mre neness as well. Cmpleting Versus Cmplementing Each Other Marriage was nt designed t cmplete a persn. It was designed fr tw cmplete peple t enter int and frm smething different than either f them is n his r her wn. It was designed, nt t make yu a whle persn, but t give yur whleness a new range f experience.

17 But many peple see marriage as a ticket t shrt-cut cmpleteness, r maturity. Therefre they dn t marry ut f strength, but ut f weakness. They marry smene t make up fr what they d nt pssess n their wn. They marry ut f their incmpleteness, and ding s erdes the pssibility fr neness. The crucial element f tw becming ne is that the tw peple must be cmplete in and f themselves-they must be adults-befre they marry. This des nt mean that the husband and wife pssess all f the same talents and abilities, r even the same style. It des mean, hwever, that they pssess all f adult functining in key areas f persnhd. He might nt have her business acumen. She might nt have his creativity r his ability t be the extrverted life f the party. This is nt what we are talking abut. These characteristics cmplement each ther, nt cmplete each ther. Cmplementing means bringing different perspectives, talents, abilities, experiences, and ther gifts t the relatinship and frming a partnership. Cmpleting means making up fr ne s immaturity as a persn. It is an attempt t use anther persn t balance an imbalance in ne s character, and it never wrks. Each persn is respnsible fr develping these character imbalances n ne s wn and then bringing a whle, balanced self int the relatinship. Areas f Cmpleteness That Marriage Cannt Prvide As we said abve, many times peple will marry t make up fr what they d nt pssess in their wn character. This is ften what is behind the head-ver-heels, falling in lve experience. Smene wh is incmplete in sme area will meet smene wh has a strength in that area and feel an intxicating whleness. Basic human requirements f character are nt cmplements. They are essentials t being a cmplete persn. Belw is a partial list f abilities that bth partners must pssess and that cannt be brrwed frm each ther. The ability t Cnnect emtinally Be vulnerable and share feelings Have an apprpriate sense f pwer and assertiveness Say n Have initiative and drive Have at least a minimal amunt f rganizatin Be real, but nt perfect Accept imperfectins and have grace and frgiveness Grieve Think fr neself and express ne s pinins Learn and grw Take risks Grasp and use ne s talents Be respnsible and fllw thrugh Be free and nt cntrlled by external r internal factrs Be sexual Be spiritual Have a mral sense Have an intellectual life These human abilities everyne pssesses, althugh nt everyne is able t express them. Make sure that the tw f yu develp these spiritual and human characteristics n yur wn. If yu d, then yu will each becme a cmplete persn, and the tw f yu can becme ne.

18 Adults Take Respnsibility fr Their Treasures The first requirement f adults, r cmpleted persns, is that they take respnsibility fr all f the treasures f their suls. If they dn t, their marriage will stagnate t the degree that they diswn aspects f their lives and then either blame the ther r require the ther t fix it r make up fr it. Requiring Ownership Cdependency is taking respnsibility fr anther persn s prblems and nt requiring that persn t take respnsibility fr his wn. A mature, cmplete adult nt nly takes respnsibility fr himself, but als requires the same frm the peple he lves. T be cdependent and nt require respnsibility frm thers is t nt be respnsible neself. One f the greatest gifts we can give t each ther is the gift f hnesty and cnfrntatin. As Prverbs tells us, Wunds frm a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses (Prverbs 27:6). We grw when smene wh lves us wunds us by telling us painful truths we need t hear. Requiring respnsibility frm each ther by telling each ther the truth and nt giving in t each ther s immaturity is indeed a gift. Adults Value Their Treasures and Thse f Their Spuse We can t ignre aspects f ur sul Gd has placed in us. Sner r later, brushing them aside catches up with us. In the same way, we must value the treasures f ur spuses. Mature peple think f nurturing, develping, and taking care f the treasures f the peple with whm they are in relatinship. They are always thinking f hw their lved nes are ding, hw they are feeling, and hw they culd help them grw. Mature husbands and wives place a great value n the feelings, thughts, and attitudes f their spuse. Nt wanting t miss ut is a gd way t think f valuing the treasures f yur spuse s sul. Gd has given yu each ther t knw and t share. T value the treasures in the sul f the ther is t nt miss ut n a wnderful gift frm Gd t the bth f yu. This prcess f valuing thers treasures is smething that mature peple d and is part f being a cmplete persn. It als acknwledges the separateness and cmpleteness f the ther persn. It says I knw yu are a persn, t, and I am interested in the persn yu are. Adults Understand the Cncept f Yu Are Nt Me The cncept f yu are nt me is ne f the mst imprtant aspects f bundaries. We all need t vercme the basic egcentricity f life, the inbrn feeling that the wrld revlves arund me. There are several cmpnents t this issue. Seeing the Other As a Persn, Nt My Object - The first cmpnent is the ability t see yur spuse as a separate persn, distance frm yu, with her wn needs and feelings. In ther wrds, she desn t exist just t meet yur needs. Whenever we view thers nly in terms f hw they affect us, we are in big truble. This is self-centeredness. We reduce thers t bjects f ur wn needs, and we dn t see them as real peple. And whenever we dn t see peple fr wh they really are, lve breaks dwn. Allwing the Other s Experience The secnd way in which we allw thers t exist in their wn right is t allw their experience. We need t put ur wn experience aside and jin in the ther s experience. We need t understand the ther s experience, identify with it, and have cmpassin fr the ther in it. The ability t d this is called empathy. Empathy is the bedrck f intimacy. T have gd bundaries is t be separate enugh

19 frm the ther persn that yu can allw her t have her wn experience withut reacting with yur wn. Such a clear stance f separateness allws yu nt t react, but t care and empathize. Nt allwing the ther s experience can be a majr cause f fighting and f feeling misunderstd. Allwing the Freedm t Be Different The third way in which we allw thers t exist in their wn right is allwing them the freedm t be different frm us. In a gd marriage, spuses value each ther s differences and treat them with respect. They understand each ther, listen, reasn, cmprmise, and give up their wn wishes smetimes. Because twness exists, neness can develp. In a marriage in which the individuals aren t allwed t be different, things dn t g as well. Husbands and wives judge each ther as bad fr the preferences each ne has. Or they take the difference as a persnal affrnt r a lack f lve. Differences are nt bad. They are part f the stuff f which lve grws. The differences are what yu like abut a persn at the beginning f a relatinship and then fight abut fr the rest f ur lives. Why is that? Differences are exciting and bring a sense f getting t enjy smething we dn t pssess. But differences threaten us if we have nt matured enugh t be truly separate peple frm each ther. T immature peple, differences imply distance, a lack f lve, abandnment, rejectin, r, in sme cases, a challenge fr us t grw. And under this threat, lve gets put n the back burner fr self-prtectin. Cherishing the Other s Existence- Anther part f the yu are nt me cncept is the ability t see anther persn fr wh she is apart frm what we want r need frm her and t lve and appreciate that persn fr wh she is. T cherish smene s existence apart frm yu and apart frm what yu get frm that persn is a neat aspect f lve. It requires very gd bundaries, the ability t see the ther persn as distinct and separate frm yu a persn in her wn right, with value and wnderful things abut her that have nthing t d with gratifying yu in any way ther than pure appreciatin. This is the jy f just knwing a persn. This neat aspect f lve is ne f the nes that gives the mst pleasure as cuples grw tgether. Adults Respect Each Other s Freedm Freedm is a prerequisite f lve. If smene cntrls us, lve is nt pssible. Cntrl results in slavery, nt lve. The ability fr each partner t allw the ther t be a free, separate persn is ne f the hallmarks f a slid relatinship. Free t Have Space This balance f being deeply cnnected as well as free t be individuals is ne f the mst imprtant aspects f cmpleteness. It allws the develpment and grwth f the individual partners as well as the marriage. The prblem marriage is ne in which ne partner sees time apart, separateness, and space as a threat. This spuse may feel that separateness means a lack f lve, r abandnment. She can nly feel lved when with the ther persn. Freedm is the scariest f all human privileges. Adam and Eve used their freedm destructively t sin against Gd. In the same way, we can use freedm against each ther. The call t relatinship with Gd and each ther is a call t freedm. But that freedm is nt t be used t gratify self-centeredness. Sme spuses use their freedm t indulge their wn desires at the expense f the marriage. S the Bible s warning ffers the best slutin fr that danger: Lve yur neighbr as yurself. In ther wrds, in yur exercise f separateness, make sure that yu are seeing

20 hw yur freedm and separateness are affecting yur spuse. Wuld yu want t be treated with disregard? Certainly nt. But remember, it ges bth ways. Yu are free t be separate, but yu are als free t be cntrlling! N ne can stp yu except yurself. S, if yu are trying t cntrl yur spuse s separateness and freedm with guilt and prhibitin, then ask yurself the same questin: Wuld yu like t be imprisned? Again, the answer is certainly nt. Gd Fear f Reality If yu are cntrlling yur spuse s freedm and separateness, yu are n lnger an bject f lve. Yu have becme tw things that yur spuse will rebel against because it is part f Gd s plan. Yu have becme the master f a slave, and yu have becme a parent. A spuse was never intended t be either. Rebelling against cntrl is the mtivatin behind many affairs and ther prblems. The spuse wh feels cntrlled is nt mature enugh t stand up with respnsible bundaries, and he acts ut in an affair t gain a sense f freedm. Persuasive wrds are ften wrds f flattery and freedm, wrds that give relief t the nagging and guilty feeling f cntrl that a husband r wife is getting at hme. D nt becme this nagging parent. Give freedm, and require respnsible use f that freedm in the service f lve. Lnging Gd designed human beings with a lnging fr relatinship, with a lnging t cme tgether and nt g thrugh life alng. We all have this lnging. While single peple satisfy this lnging with friends and relatives, married peple g ne step further; they meet part f this lnging by finding a life partner. Gd designed marriage particularly t satisfy this lnging fr relatinship, t give cmpaninship n life s jurney. This drive fr cmpaninship must be kept at the frefrnt f ur discussin f freedm. If ne f yu is cntrlling, if yu restrict yur partner s freedm, cmpaninship is destryed. But beynd that, freedm nurishes separateness, which is in and f itself an undesirable state. Therefre, freedm frm each ther irnically creates the very lnging that will bring yu tgether ver and ver again. Yu must build freedm int yur marriage s that yu have enugh separateness t desire t cme tgether t slve the prblem that separateness creates! This paradx is ne f the balancing truths in Gd s universe. Separateness and tgetherness g hand in hand. If yu have t much separateness, yu have n relatinship because yu becme t discnnected. But if yu have n separateness, yu als have n relatinship because there are n lnger tw peple invlved. Therefre, see the need fr freedm as part f Gd s design, and find the right balance between tgetherness and freedm fr the tw f yu. Make sure yu have bth. Chapter 5- What Yu Value is What Yu ll Have I (Dr. Clud) dn t remember where I first heard this saying, but I have cme t believe it: Yu get what yu tlerate. In ther wrds, in an imperfect wrld, imperfectin will always seek yu ut, and if yu tlerate it, yu will certainly find all f it that yu can handle. Unpleasant things seek the level they are allwed t exist in yur life, especially in a marriage.

21 While yu might get all the bad stuff yu tlerate, what abut the gd things in a marriage? Where d they cme frm? They generally cme frm the same place frm which tlerance cmes: yur values. On bth the psitive and the negative side, ultimately what yu value is what yu will have. If yu value smething in a relatinship, yu will nt tlerate anything that destrys this value, and yu will als seek t make sure it is present and grwing. F And because f these values, the relatinship takes n an identity and frm, a character f its wn. Certain things happen in the relatinship, and ther things dn t. What yu value happens and what yu dn t value is absent. In marriage, fr example, it wrks like this: 1. We will nt tlerate anything that vilates ur value f hnesty. 2. We bth will actively seek t build and increase the presence f hnesty in ur marriage. Yur values are the ultimate bundaries f yur marriage. They frm it, prtect it, and give it a place t grw. They dictate what the nature f the relatinship is ging t be, what is nt ging t be allwed t grw there, as well as what is ging t be sught after and maintained. The values f yur relatinship becme like the frame f a huse; they give it shape. What yu value determines the kind f relatinship yu mst likely will have in the end. The Wrst Value Ever Peple wh always want t be happy and pursue it abve all else are sme f the mst miserable peple in the wrld. The reasn is that happiness is a result. It is smetimes the result f having gd things happen. But usually it is the result f ur being in a gd place inside urselves and ur having dne the character wrk we need t d s that we are cntent and jyful in whatever circumstance we find urselves. Happiness is a fruit f a lt f hard wrk in relatinship, career, spiritual grwth, r a hst f ther arenas f life. But nwhere is this as true as in marriage. Marriage is a lt f wrk, perid. I dn t knw anyne wh has been married very lng wh des nt attest t that. When cuples d the right kind f wrk-character wrk-they find that they can gain mre happiness in their marriage than they thught pssible. But it always cmes as a result f ging thrugh sme difficult mments. Cnflicts, fears, and ld traumas. Big and small rejectins, arguments, and hurt feelings. The disillusinment f smene being different than was imagined. The difficult task f accepting imperfectins and immaturity that are larger than ne thinks they shuld be. All f these things are nrmal, and all f these things are wrkable. And if peple wrk thrugh them, they reach happiness again, usually a happiness f a deeper and better srt. But if they hit these inevitable walls and have the attitude that this prblem is interfering with my happiness, they are in real truble. They will be angry with the incnvenience f their happiness being interrupted and will refuse t slve the issues r will just leave the relatinship. If happiness is ur guide and it ges away mmentarily, we will assume that smething is wrng. The truth is (and this is why happiness is such a hrrible value) that when we are nt happy, smething gd may be happening. Yu may have been brught t that mment f crisis because f a need fr grwth, and that crisis may be the slutin t much f what is wrng with yur life. If yu culd grasp whatever it is that this situatin is asking yu t learn, it culd change yur entire life. This is why James tells us t cnsider it pure jy, my brthers, whenever yu face trials f many kinds, because yu knw that the testing f yur faith develps perseverance. Perseverance must finish its wrk s that yu may be mature and cmplete, nt lacking anything. If any f yu lacks wisdm, he

22 shuld ask Gd, wh gives generusly t all withut finding fault, and it will be given t him (James 1:2-5) If nt happiness, then what shuld yu value? What shuld yu magnify and lift up t guide yu? Certainly we cannt decide all f yur values fr yu. But there are a few values the Bible hlds in very high esteem, and these values wrk t prduce great bundaries in marriage. 1. Lve f Gd 2. Lve f Yur Spuse 3. Hnesty 4. Faithfulness 5. Cmpassin and Frgiveness 6. Hliness The Big Picture In marriage, if yu fcus n what yu want and desire and just stay angry and disappinted that yu are nt getting it, yu will remain there. But if yu fcus n cultivating the garden instead f demanding the fruit, then yur garden will yield a huge harvest. S it is with values. Make cultivating the nes we mentin here f prime cncern. Wrk n them. Stand against anything in yurself r yur spuse that wuld destry them. This is righteus indignatin, and yur marriage may depend n it. But als, d everything yu can t increase the presence f these things. Give time, mney, energy, fcus, and ther resurces t develping the lve f Gd and each ther, hnesty, faithfulness, cmpassin, frgiveness, and hliness. Pursue them with everything the tw f yu can muster. They will nt fail yu in the end. Chapter 6- Value One-Lve f Gd Jesus said that the greatest cmmandment is t lve Gd with every unce f yurself: with all yur heart and with all yur sul and with all yur mind and with all yur strength (Mark 12:30). Why did he place this value abve all thers? Althugh we culd pint t many reasns, ne in particular relates t marriage. When lving Gd is ur rienting principle in life, we are always adjusting t what he requires frm us. When things get tugh in a marriage and when sme change is required frm us, we might nt want t d it. We might feel that it is unfair that we have t change, r it might be t difficult r painful t change. At thse mments, it is much easier t just please urselves. But if we knw that it s Gd with whm we ultimately have t deal, we submit t this reality and his higher calling t us t grw. In the end, the relatinship wins. This is why lving Gd must be first. He empwers us t change. He tells us hw t change. And, mst f all, Gd becmes the ne that keeps us frm being ultimately in charge. If we try t be in charge, we will d it ur way, and then ur wn limitatins becme the limitatins f the relatinship as well. We all need smene bigger t answer t s we will make the changes we need t make. Lve Gd first, with all f yur heart, mind, sul, and strength. Lse yur life t him, and yu will gain it.

23 Chapter 7- Value Tw- Lve f Yur Spuse The lve that builds a marriage is the kind f lve Gd has fr us. It is called agape. Agape is lve that seeks the welfare f the ther. It is lve that has nthing t d with hw smene is gratifying us at the mment. It has t d with what is gd fr the ther. In shrt, agape is cncerned with the gd f the ther persn. Jesus said it this way in the secnd greatest cmmandment: Lve yur neighbr as yurself. When we d that, we are truly lving smene. What des it mean t lve smene as yurself in marriage? It means three things: yu s deeply identify with yur spuse that yu feel the effects f yur wn behavir n yur spuse, yu think first f making yur spuse s life better, and yu want the best fr yur spuse even when yur spuse can t see what that is. T deeply identify with anther persn is t think abut the effects f yur behavir n that ther persn. It is t get ut f the self-centeredness f just acting t please neself. T lve smene as yurself is t put yurself in the ther persn s shes and see what it feels like t be her. This empwers yu t seek the best fr the ther persn because it puts yu in tuch with her life and hw it feels t be her, especially n the ther end f relatinship with yu. Secnd, lving yur spuse as yurself means yu think f making yur spuse s life better. Yu think first abut what it wuld be like t be in the situatin r state f life she is in. Then what wuld yu like if yu were in this situatin? Third, and this is the mst difficult t grasp-lving yur spuse as yurself means yu want the best fr yur spuse even when yur spuse can t see what that is. It may be a difficult cnfrntatin, r a healing in yur spuse s life. A gd example f this is when a persn des an interventin n an addicted spuse and puts him int treatment, even if the spuse des nt realize that this is gd fr him. Or, it may mean a need fr spiritual grwth and a persn tries t get her spuse clser t Gd. Or, it may mean a relief frm duties, as when ne spuse gets a jb t lighten the wrklad f the ther. The key cncept is that this is dne fr the benefit f the ther, nt fr neself. An interventin is fr the addict, even if the entire family benefits. Cmmitment In additin t being based in empathy, this lve is based in cmmitment. Again, this is best seen in the kind f lve Gd has fr us. Gd s wrd fr this kind f cmmitment is cvenant. By making a cvenant with us, Gd prmised that he is cmmitted t us, and he des nt break his prmises. If smene is nt cmmitted t a marriage, when the marriage gets difficult, he is tempted t leave the marriage instead f wrking thrugh the difficulty. If leaving is an ptin, why g thrugh the pain? Why g thrugh the wrk? A prblem in a relatinship is usually a sign that bth parties need t grw and change, and withut cmmitment, avidance is ften the easier way ut. Sme d nt leave physically, but they leave emtinally. They frsake the relatinship by taking their heart ut f it. Cmmitment als prvides smething else necessary fr grwth: security. Withut the security that cmmitment prvides, partners knw at sme deep level that if they d nt perfrm up t sme expectatin, they culd be frsaken. As a friend said t me, It is a ttally different life when yu knw that the ne wh lves yu is never ging t g away. It changes yu at a very deep level.

24 Actin Lve is nt just a feeling r an attachment t a persn. Lve is an expressin f that attachment. The lve that brings gd bundaries t a marriage is the lve that brings actin t the relatinship as well. Usually, in the beginning stages f curtship, the cuple is wrking hard t express and shw their lve t ne anther. But as the relatinship prceeds, and the knt has been tied, ne r bth begin t wrk less at shwing, expressing, and giving lve. They settle int a mutual taking the ther fr granted. True lve will nt allw itself t g cld. When it des, there is a call t actin, a call t rekindling the flame. A Picture Lve is the fundatin fr marriage: lve fr Gd and lve fr anther persn. It expresses itself in seeking the best fr the ther persn n matter whether they deserve it r nt. It places the ther persn abve ne s wn selfish needs and desires. It sacrifices, gives, and suffers. It weathers hurts and strms fr the lng-term preservatin f the cvenant. It preserves itself as if it is fighting fr life. Make lve yur highest value in yur marriage, and it is likely t return the cmmitment yu make t it. It will pay yu back multifld, much mre than yu ever thught pssible. Fr in the end, lve is the strngest pwer at ur dispsal: Lve is patient, lve is kind. It des nt envy, it des nt bast, it is nt prud. It is nt rude, it is nt self-seeking, it is nt easily angered, it keeps n recrd f wrngs. Lve des nt delight in evil but rejices with the truth. It always prtects, always trusts, always hpes, always perseveres. Lve never fails (1 Crinthians 13:4-8). Nne f us is able t live ut this descriptin f lve cmpletely, but as we try, lve will serve as a pwerful bundary against all srts f evil. It will prtect yur relatinship and give yu many, many returns fr all that yu invest in its enduring pwer. Chapter 8- Value Three-Hnesty Deceptin damages a relatinship. The act f lying is much mre damaging than the things that are being lied abut, because lying undermines the knwing f ne anther and the cnnectin itself. Deceptin is the ne thing that cannt be wrked thrugh because it denies the prblem. It is the ne unfrgivable sin f a relatinship because it makes frgiveness unattainable. Intimacy cmes frm knwing the ther persn at a deep level. If there are barriers t hnesty, knwing is ruled ut and the false takes ver. As Paul tells us in the Bible, Therefre each f yu must put ff falsehd and speak truthfully t his neighbr, fr we are all members f ne bdy (Ephesians 4:25). Cuples ften live ut years f falsehd trying t prtect and save a relatinship, all the while destrying any chance f real relatinship. If yu and yur spuse can feel safe enugh in yur marriage t be ttally vulnerable, if yu can remve each ther s fig leaves, then nce again yur marriage can return t a state f paradise. True intimacy is the clsest thing t heaven we can knw. Fr a Reasn Mst f the time, in therwise gd marriages, deceptin takes place fr defensive reasns. In ther wrds, the dishnest spuse is ften lying nt fr evil reasns, but t prtect himself. Fears drive the deceptin. This des nt excuse the lying, but it des cmplicate matters. Fr spuses t tell the whle truth, they must deal with their fears first.

25 Here are cmmn fears: Fear f real clseness and being knwn Fears f abandnment and lss f lve if they are knwn Fears f being cntrlled and pssessed if they are knwn Fears f being seen as bad r nt gd enugh if sme part f them is knwn Fears f their wn desires, needs, and feelings What yu can d in yur marriage is make a ttal cmmitment between the tw f yu t: 1. Have enugh grace t tell the truth. Prmise that yu will never punish yur spuse fr being hnest. This desn t mean that there will be n cnsequences, but punishment, shame, and cndemnatin shuld nt be part f thse cnsequences. 2. Give each ther free rein t questin and check ut things with each ther. Dn t be ffended by the ther spuse s need t understand sme facts that d nt add up. Dn t retrt defensively, What? Dn t yu trust me? 3. Plice each ther when yu see yur spuse nt being ttally hnest. This can even be harmless and fun, but hld each ther t the truth. 4. Becme a partner in yur spuse s life t heal the underlying fears f being hnest. If yur spuse s issue is abandnment, fr example, shw him that yu are nt ging t treat him like whever abandned him befre. 5. Take respnsibility fr yur wn dishnesty and its underlying fears, and make a cmmitment t reslving them. Becme a persn f the truth, and find smene else besides yur spuse t hld yu accuntable. Get a friend t help yu tell the truth when yu are afraid. 6. Use discernment. While ttal hnesty is the ideal, every relatinship is nt ready fr ttal knwing and being knwn. Sme truths are nt ready t be dealt with yet. Sme peple are t fragile r are in special circumstances, and they need help t deal with sme things, r the timing needs t be right. Use wisdm t knw what yur relatinship can handle and what it is nt ready fr. Check ut ther resurces, such as cunseling, healing, time, r ther peple, that may be needed fr hnesty t wrk. If yu are t build a strng relatinship, make a cmmitment t each ther f ttal hnesty. But remember, hnesty must be accmpanied by enugh grace t hear and deal with the truth it brings. Gd always asks us t be hnest with him in light f his grace fr us, s yu have t be able t deal with and accept the truth expressed t yu as well. Chapter 9- Value Fur- Faithfulness A faithful spuse is ne wh can be trusted, depended upn, and believed in, and ne in whm yu can rest. What Drives Peple Apart Faithfulness means t be trusted in all areas, nt just the sexual, trusted in matters f the heart as well as thse f the bdy. Being faithful t yur spuse means that yu can be depended upn t d what yu have prmised, t fllw thrugh n what yur spuse has entrusted t yu. It means that yur spuse can be certain that yu will deliver n what yu have prmised. It culd mean being sexually faithful, but it culd als mean ding chres faithfully! It culd mean staying within the mnthly budget and cming hme when yu say yu will. It culd mean sharing withut fear f reprisal r cndemnatin.

26 Faithfulness, f curse, als means that yu will nt stray frm the ne yu lve. Physical adultery means giving yurself t smene else sexually. But yu can cmmit emtinal adultery as well; yu can have an affair f the heart. An affair f the heart means taking aspects f yurself and intentinally keeping them away frm the marriage. Objects f unfaithfulness are numerus. Sme are peple, sme are nt. But the bttm line is that they cme between yu and yur spuse. Sme part f yu avids the relatinship. N Excuses An act f unfaithfulness is smething that ne persn des, nt tw. As the Bible says f Gd, If we are faithless, he will remain faithful, fr he cannt diswn himself (2 Timthy 2:13). Gd des nt becme unfaithful if we d nt lve him crrectly. He remains faithful n matter what we d. Marriage requires this as well. D nt let yur spuse s failures f lve be an excuse fr yur unfaithfulness. If yu struggle with wanting t take sme part f yurself t smene r smething ther than yur spuse, find ut why. Yur actins may be kay; yur spuse can t identify with all parts f yu. Different interests and different aspects f persnal identity keep spuses frm ttally identifying with each ther. One persn cannt be all that yu need in life. Friends can cnnect with sme parts f yu better than yur spuse. This is kay. Chapter 10- Value Five-Cmpassin and Frgiveness The persn yu lve the mst and have cmmitted yur life t is an imperfect being. This persn is guaranteed t hurt yu and fail yu in many ways, sme serius and sme nt. Yu can expect the failures t cme. As the Bible says, There is nt a righteus man n earth wh des what is right and never sins (Ecclesiastes 7:20). Nthing in a relatinship has t permanently destry that relatinship if frgiveness is in the picture. N failure is larger than grace. N hurt exists that lve cannt heal. But, fr all f these miracles t take place, there must be cmpassin and tenderheartedness. First, yu frgive what is inferir t the ideal standard. Yu humble yurself t identify with yur lved ne, wh is experiencing life in a way that is less than yu r even he wuld want. Yu give up all demands fr yur spuse t be smething he isn t at that mment. Secnd, if yur spuse is hurting r failing, yu are nt mrally superir, but yu are in the strnger psitin at that mment t be able t help. Gd never uses the strnger psitin t hurt, but always t help. As Paul puts it, Therefre, as Gd s chsen peple, hly and dearly lved, clthe yurselves with cmpassin, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each ther and frgive whatever grievances yu may have against ne anther. Frgive as the Lrd frgave yu. And ver all these virtues put n lve, which binds them all tgether in perfect unity (Clssians 3:12-14). What a picture that is! Clthe yurselves with cmpassin, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. What if yu wre these qualities every time yur spuse failed r was hurting? I think we wuld see a lt mre healed marriages. But that is nt the human way. The human way is t harden ur hearts when we are hurt r ffended. Hardness f heart, much mre than failure, is the true relatinship killer. As Jesus said, failure is nt the cause f divrce, but hardness f heart is (see Matthew 19:8). This is why the Bible places such a high value n tenderheartedness.

27 Tenderheartedness cnsists f a number f things. 1. An Identificatin with Sin and Failure- Make sure that yu have an attitude f humility tward yur spuse s failures. If yu think yu are abve sin, yu are in big truble. If yu are very familiar with yur wn sins, yu will have a lt mre grace fr yur spuse s. 2. An Identificatin with Weakness- Invulnerability is ne f the chief causes f hard hearts. If yu are staying away frm yur wn hurts and vulnerabilities, yu will nt be able t identify with the hurts f yur spuse either. The Bible tells us that we cmfrt thers ut f the empathy we have received fr ur wn struggles (2 Crinthians 1:4). Deal with yur wn pains and hurts, and yu will have mre empathy fr yur spuse. Dn t get angry with yur spuse fr her weakness! This is the wrst thing yu can ever d. It is using yur strength in that area t destry. Identify with yur spuse s weakness r inability as if it were yur wn. Becme a partner in the healing prcess, nt a judge r an impediment. 3. A Willingness t Becme Vulnerable Again- Smetimes peple build up prtectiveness frm childhd that says, in effect, I will never let anyne hurt me again. Then they take that strategy int marriage. Whereas it might have been useful earlier in life, this strategy keeps them frm having clseness nw. When yu get hurt, if yur spuse is truly repentant and can be trusted, pen up again. Be vulnerable again. This is what Gd des with us. 4. A Willingness t Repent- Frgiveness and tenderheartedness cme frm the injured party. But, fr it t be useful t the future f the relatinship, the persn wh failed must wn his failure and shw a true change f heart. Chapter 11- Value Six- Hliness A hly persn is smene wh is blameless. The Bible pictures hliness as nt just being religius, but als being reality riented. T be hly means t be pure and blameless. If every marriage placed value n hliness, the fllwing wuld be present: 1. Cnfessin and wnership f the prblems in each individual 2. A relentless drive tward grwth and develpment 3. A giving up f everything that gets in the way f lve 4. A surrendering f everything that gets in the way f truth 5. A purity f heart where nthing txic is allwed t grw The primary reasn fr grwth must be that ne is hungering fr righteusness -nt fr smene else, but fr neself. Ultimately, this is the nly way that anyne is ging t have life, when he hungers fr it and pursues it with everything he has. Dn t get hliness cnfused with sme religius picture. Pursuing hliness means that yu and yur spuse pursue becming the kind f peple wh can prduce true lve and life. Yu becme whle. Yu becme trustwrthy, hnest, faithful, and lving. In marriage, hliness is anything but bring. It is the kind f purity and trustwrthiness frm which the deepest kinds f passin flw.

28 Chapter 12- Three s a Crwd- Prtecting Yur Marriage frm Intruders The Outside Affects the Inside The marriage unin itself needs t be actively prtected. Gd designed bth spuses t invest cntinually in their attachment t each ther. Cuples need t wrk t keep their lve secure and safe. Many things cmpete fr yur lve, as we will see in this sectin. Yu cannt assume that the strng cnnectin yu had when yu first married will always just be there. Other frces can cme between yu and yur mate and diminish yur relatinship. The utside wrld deeply affects hw a marriage perates. The pressures, temptatins, and even genuinely gd pprtunities cming frm the utside wrld are limitless. As stewards f the marriage cvenant, yu need t knw hw t structure yur relatinship s that the utside desn t cntrl what is inside. A marriage is nly as strng as what it csts t prtect it. In ther wrds, yu value what yu invest in. If yu have spent time, effrt, and sacrifice in preserving yur marriage frm ther influences, yur dds f a slid marriage are better. If life has just happened t yur marriage, yu will have a mre fragile bnd. Like the man wh sld all he had fr the pearl f great price (Matthew 13:45-46), thse wh value the preciusness f their marriage will pay a high price t preserve it. Triangulatin Our lve ften gets segmented int ther places. This prblem, called triangulatin, is ne f the great enemies f gd marriages. Triangulatin ccurs when ne spuse brings in a third party fr an unhealthy reasn. A triangle is created when, fr example, a wife (Persn A) ges t a friend (Persn C) fr smething that she shuld g t her husband (Persn B) fr. Or in a family setting, a sibling (Persn A) calls yu (Persn C) t talk abut Mm s prblem, withut first talking t Mm (Persn B). Here are sme examples f triangulatin that ccur in marriage: 1. A wife talks t her best friend abut her unhappiness with her husband, but desn t let him knw her feelings. 2. A husband cnfides t his secretary that his wife desn t understand him. 3. One spuse makes their child a cnfidant, becming clser t the child than t her mate. 4. A husband is mre invested in his parents than in his wife. In all these examples, a spuse is taking a part f his heart away frm his mate and bringing it t an utside surce. This is nt nly painful, but als unjust. It wrks against what Gd intended t develp in marriage-the mysterius unity that brings the cuple clser t each ther in ever-deepening ways. Triangulatin betrays trust and fractures the unin. Married lve requires a great deal f safety fr intimacy t grw. Marriage brings ut the mst vulnerable, fragile parts f us. And these vulnerable parts need a warm, gracefilled, and secure envirnment in which t grw. If a third party threatens this, thse fragile parts cannt be safe enugh t emerge, cnnect, and develp.

29 Frsaking is Prtecting Reality dictates that in rder t say yes t keeping a clse marriage, yu will have t say n t lts f ther things. A life f yes t everything else ultimately results in a n t yur marriage. Yu simply d nt have the time, resurces, r energy t d everything yu want t d. Marriage invlves much mre than tw lving peple keeping lve alive. It means ding sme hard wrk in frsaking, r leaving behind, ther things. A Wrd f Cautin All gd marriages need utside supprt, s we need t seek ut the right and apprpriate surces. These shuld be peple wh are nt nly safe, but whse influence n us strengthens the marriage bnd. The Intruder as a Symptm f Marriage Struggles Often the intruder isn t the issue. The intruder is the result, r symptm, f anther issue in marriage. The real issue has mre t d with yur relatinship r yur character. Smetimes smething is brken in the cnnectin. When a marriage cntains cnflict r hurt, we tend t busy urselves in ther peple and activities. Busyness is less painful than facing sme seemingly unslvable prblem in lve day after day. Intimacy Can Prmte Intruders in Marriage The nature f emtinal intimacy itself can make a marriage vulnerable t utside influences. When we are intimate, we experience smene s negative characteristics alng with the psitive nes. Intimacy, then, causes tw threats that leave the marriage pen t intruders. The first threat is within urselves. When we ntice ur vulnerability and expsure, we becme frightened. Many peple distance themselves emtinally when they have these fears. They may shut dwn and withdraw, fr example, r they may feel blamed and cndemned. This distance can cause a breach in the trust relatinship. When this breach is allwed t cntinue, intruders have an pprtunity t get in between the lve f the cuple. The secnd threat is nt internal, but resides in the marriage relatinship itself. When intimacy des its wrk-and, fr example, the wife s frailties are expsed t the husbandthe husband can actually distance. What shuld happen is that increased penness elicits increased grace, cmpassin, and frgiveness as the husband s lve has grwn alng with the relatinship. Hwever, fr many reasns, a husband may nt be able t handle that part f his wife. Here are sme areas that may bring abut distance: Hurts: yur mate wants yu t be a strnger persn Failings: yur spuse is disappinted in yur imperfectins Sins: yur mate is unable t tlerate living with a sinner Negative feelings: yur spuse desires nly psitive emtins Aspects f himself: yur mate is reminded f his wn faults thrugh yu Then, as the husband reacts t his wife s prblems, he pulls away emtinally. And again wrk, kids, r ther peple step in.

30 Filling the Vacuum When cuples find themselves with this intimacy prblem, it is best fr them t take respnsibility fr the issue and begin t recnnect. Sme spuses distance because they have pr bundaries. Withdrawal becmes the nly bundary they have. They can t be in relatinship with the failings f their mate. When they need t be cnnected and yet set limits with sme prblem, they find that they can t stay cnnected. Or if they cnnect, they can t address the prblem. These spuses need t wrk n becming bth lving and truthful at the same time. Nt Knwing Yur Limits Often cuples have prblems with intruders because ne r bth f the mates simply are nt aware f their wn time, energy, and investment resurces. They actually think they ll take care f the fires at hme at sme pint. They sincerely intend t talk, date, and stay invlved with their spuse, but nt at this mment. And, t ften, the mments dn t cme, r at least nt ften enugh. The intruders win, and the cuple lses. This prblem usually has t d with the limitless spuse s inability t see hw his actins have cnsequences. Smene else is always there picking up the pieces, starting perhaps with a parent, then friends, then c-wrkers, r a spuse. The lack f anxiety abut marriage prblems cmes frm a lack f anxiety abut anything. Taking the Marriage fr Granted Marriages can g a lng time befre the influence f intruders is felt. If bth spuses are active, structured peple, they may shift away withut a discernible blip, mving frm a deep cnnectin between each ther int a cmfrtably numb ne. They may wake up ne day feeling that they aren t inside each ther s hearts and that ther things wn their hearts. The saddest cases are thse in which the partners becme aware f this and think, It s nt that bad as is, let s just keep things this way. The reality is that marriage is nly as gd as the investment peple make in it. Gd has cnstructed life s that we are always either ging frward int the grwth prcess r backing away frm it. We can t stay the same. And marriage reflects this reality. The cnnectin either deepens, pening bth spuses up t the hearts f each, r it starts t deterirate, clsing them ff frm each ther. D nt mistake a lack f crisis as a sign that the marriage is healthy. Cuples need t regularly check in with each ther and ask the hard questins, such as Hw d yu feel abut us? and What am I ding that hurts r bthers yu? Prblems in Setting Bundaries with Others The bundary-less mate may be less afraid t let his spuse dwn than the bss r thers. It is ften because he feels safer with her and knws she wn t leave him. But this is a fatal errr in perceiving safety. We shuld be able t trust a safe spuse and relax in her lve. Hwever, safety was never meant as a ratinalizatin fr neglecting the lve bligatin. Living in uncnditinal grace is never an excuse t be irrespnsible r hurtful. As the Bible teaches, What then? Shall we sin because we are nt under law but under grace? By n means! (Rmans 6:15). T take fr granted that a spuse will always be there fr us is, at sme level, t place burdens upn that spuse s ability t lve and trust us back. If fear and guilt are the reasn yur marriage has becme infested with intruders, yu need t d tw things. On the ne hand, refrain frm nagging and threatening yur cdependent spuse. If yu dn t refrain, yu risk becming, in his mind, part f thse many peple he secretly resents and hates fr being s demanding n him.

31 On the ther hand, stay away frm the tendency t ignre the prblem and hpe it ges away. The best slutin is always t lve and yet nt rescue a spuse s behavir. Yu need t maintain a psitin f lve withut rescue and f truth withut nagging. Yur wn caring bundaries then prvide hpe fr yur spuse t develp his wn sense f self and bundaries. Inability t Lve with Differences Being different shuld nt be a prblem in marriage. In fact, it shuld be a benefit. Yur wrld has been enlarged. Yu are n lnger bund t a wrld f yur wn making, which is a prisn Gd never intended fr us. Yu are frced t listen t, interact with, and cnsider the feelings and pinins f anther human being in sme matter in which yu are dead sure yu are right. If this is nt a slutin fr human arrgance, what is! Differences d nt create intruder prblems. Immaturity des. As spuses wn their wn weaknesses and issues, what used t drive them crazy ften becmes a surce f jy fr them. Cnflict Avidance Because yu are nt tw clnes, yur differences guarantee cnflict in marriage. Tw peple wh feel strngly abut hw life shuld be lived will try t reslve the differences. Hwever, sme peple fear cnflict mre than thers. The Intruders Themselves We want t deal with sme f the intruders that weaken the marriage bnd and remember that intruders are a fruit, nt a rt, f the real prblem. Deal with the cause, and the intruder will cease t pull yu apart. Wrk- Here are sme issues that may be invlved: Attachment prblems. A husband s inability t relate emtinally may cause him t flee t wrk, where he feels mre cmpetent. A wife may need t wrk n helping her husband wn the prblem and helping him cnnect n feeling levels. Demands fr praise. A husband may be self-absrbed and desire the affirmatin f wrk ver the cnfrntatins f his spuse. A wife may need t help him experience lve ver admiratin and help him give up the demand t be praised at all times. Lack f safety. A wife may experience hurt in her marriage and withdraw t wrk fr mre psitive relatinships. This cuple may need help in making the marriage safe enugh t withstand cnflict. Lack f freedm. A husband may be cntrlling, and the nly way a wife can get sme freedm is t g away frm him. He may need t wrk n respecting her bundaries, and she may need t wrk n being mre direct abut her needs. In all f these scenaris, the answer is nt t quit wrk, but t deal with the character and relatinal prblems.

32 Friends Superficiality. A mate is mre brad than deep. That is, he relates well n superficial levels, but fears the clseness that cmes with intimacy. He may need help in his fear f being abandned r hurt. Hurt in the marriage. A spuse may have experienced rejectin frm her spuse in her deeper parts. Fr example, her husband may criticize her weaknesses, frailties, anger, r needs. S friends becme the place fr these parts. The husband may need t wrk n accepting all f her, yet allwing her the freedm f investing in friends als fr her wn grwth. Rejectin f the spuse. A self-centered spuse may discver that her mate is nt perfect and s gives up n him, investing in thers. Here the cuple must deal with grieving perfectinistic demands and wrk n making her life gd enugh, even if nt ideal. Sharing secrets with friends. Smetimes a spuse will be hurt because his mate has secret phne times and cnversatins. In the ideal, spuses shuld have n serius secrets in a marriage. The deeper the relatinship, the greater its ability t withstand the realities f each spuse. But sme mre frail marriages may have t use healthy settings such as a pastral cunselr r a therapist until the marriage is strng enugh t deal with what exists between them. Kids Hiding intimacy cnflicts behind children. The cuple has issues with clseness r cntrl, yet neither partner wants t deal with them. Yu can never give enugh time t kids (just ask them!). S the relatinship becmes child-centered rather than marriage-centered. These cuples need t bring ut their cnflicts with each ther safely and wrk thrugh them. Overidentifying with children. Sme spuses feel inrdinate guilt and respnsibility fr their children s lives, and they have a hard time letting g. They feel the spuse can handle the neglect, and they verinvlve themselves in parenting. They need t allw age-apprpriate space and time with their kids, an actin that allws the children t separate and the cuple t becme clser. Having better bundaries with kids than with the spuse. Often a mate will feel, If she wn t listen t my pinin, at least the children will. And he will verinvest in his children because they will heed his wrds. This cuple needs t wrk n respecting each ther s bundaries and helping the ther feel bth lve and freedm. Misperceptins abut parenting and marriage. Sme peple have simply never thught thrugh the fact that parenting is temprary and marriage is permanent. A friend tld me nce, We re in a childcentric culture, and I want t becme mre familycentric. Cuples may need t adjust their values apprpriately.

33 Affairs The mst hurtful intruder-an affair- is a tragic symptm f ther prblems, such as the fllwing: Emptiness in the marriage. Sme spuses have affairs t cnnect with smene when they can t cnnect with their spuse. Demands t be treated as perfect. Smetimes a spuse with narcissistic tendencies will reject his mate s mirrring f his imperfectins and find smene wh will strke and admire him. Victim-perpetratr-rescuer issues. One spuse will take n the helpless victim rle, and the ther will be the predatry perpetratr. Then the victim will seek ut a rescuer-type t prtect her frm the evil ne-that is, until the rescuer begins t shw signs f being flawed, als. Bundary prblems. One spuse will be unable t set limits in the marriage. The affair becmes the nly way he has ever said n t his spuse. In ther wrds, it is the nly nncmpliant thing he has ever dne in the marriage. Chapter 13- Six Kinds f Cnflict Cnflict #1: Sin f One Spuse The first thing t cnsider in facing the cnflict that cmes frm an individual s sin is the attitude f the spuse cnfrnting the sin. Even the best f peple can d what the Bible calls falling shrt f the glry f Gd. The best thing that anyne can d in the face f the sin f a spuse is t demnstrate the same attitude Gd has tward smene wh sins: Be kind and cmpassinate t ne anther, frgiving each ther, just as in Christ Gd frgave yu (Ephesians 4:32) D nt minimize the sin f yur spuse, and ask him r her nt t minimize yurs. Ultimately this will be best fr bth f yu and fr the relatinship. G tugh n the issue, but remember, as Gd is with yu, g sft n the persn. Like Jesus, face sin with bth grace and truth. The prcess lks like this: 1. Lk at yur wn attitude. Rid yurself f judgmentalism, cndemnatin, shame, r pride. Lk at the lg in yur wn eye, shw mercy, and identify with yur spuse as a fellw sinner. 2. Speak t the issue directly. Let yur spuse knw that yu knw, and tell him that what he is ding is nt right. If the sin is against yu, let him knw hw yu feel. Talk abut the hurt and hw it affects yu and whever else is invlved. Dn t shame him, but be hnest. Use I statements. 3. A bundary-lving spuse will acknwledge the wrng and aplgize. Accept it; ffer frgiveness. Reaffirm yur lve and acceptance. 4. When emtins are nt strng, talk abut the prblem t see if there is any further help he might need. Even thugh he might have cnfessed and repented, underlying issues may need t be addressed, and he might need utside help. Offer yur supprt and help t slve the prblem. 5. Agree n a fllw-up plan. If I ntice smething again, hw d yu want me t help yu? What d yu want me t d? This way yu becme a team member t deal with the prblem and nt a plice fficer. Yu might want t talk t him abut bringing ther resurces t the prblem as well, such as friends t hld him accuntable. The imprtant issue is that yu are tgether as a team t fight the reccurrence.

34 Cnflict #2: Immaturity r Brkenness f One Persn All f us will fall shrt f the demands f life. This is a difficult cncept fr sme peple t understand. Mst peple get married ttally unaware f their spuse s shrtcmings. In fact, part f falling in lve is idealizing an imperfect persn, nt even seeing where he r she falls shrt f that ideal. In every relatinship, reality eventually surfaces. When it des, it is very imprtant t face it in the fllwing helpful ways. 1. Accept Reality- Bth f yu will be unprepared fr sme f the realities life brings. Yu will nt have the emtinal ability t weather sme stresses in the way yu wuld like. Or yu will nt have the skill needed t be a mature adult. Belw are sme cmmn areas where nrmal peple find they have brkenness frm the past r sme immaturity where they are nt equipped t perfrm as they r their spuse wuld like: Relatinal abilities t get clse, cmmunicate, r sustain intimacy Parenting abilities Emtinal prblems frm the past r frm their family f rigin Lack f structure, self-discipline, r fllw-thrugh Financial inabilities t make r manage mney Sexual difficulties frm fear, past trauma, shame, r ther emtinal factrs Nt having cmpleted the twness and identity frmatin Nt having cmpletely left hme and becme an adult, ready fr marriage Nne f these are sins. They are areas in which yu are immature and need t grw. 2. Cmmunicate Yur Supprt t Yur Spuse- We d nt grw when we are judged, nagged, cndemned, resented, r subjected t sme ther lack f grace. We all need t feel that smene is n ur side and supprting us. Let yur partner knw that yu are her biggest supprter and reaffirm yur abslute uncnditinal lve and acceptance fr her just like she is. As 1 Thessalnians 5:14 tells us, Encurage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyne. Let yur spuse knw that her weakness r inability is smething with which yu will be supprtive and patient. 3. Face Issues as Real Prblems- Althugh we dn t wish t be nnsupprtive r lack grace, we als wish t be hnest abut prblems. Part f lve, remember, is hnesty and requiring hliness and grwth frm each ther. S, where yur spuse is nt mature, let her knw. Be direct. Tell her what yu see as a prblem. Let yur spuse knw hw yu feel and hw it affects yu. But be careful t stay away frm shame and cndemnatin. 4. Own Yur Prblems- If yu are the ne cnfrnted with yur immaturity, wn it. Be a bundary lver. Be the kind f wise man r wman wh lves t get feedback and heeds it. Dn t be defensive, and try t learn what the persn wh sees yu every day is learning abut yu. 5. Get a Plan- We need help, mentring, supprt, and teaching. N ne ever grew up n his wn. Sme need therapy. Others need financial cunseling. Still thers need supprt grups r recvery grups. Sme need accuntability systems. But make sure that yur immaturity r brkenness des nt rule yu. Overcme it by being intentinal abut dealing with it. Devte resurces, time, and energy t the prblem.

35 6. Make it Mutual- Guard against labeling ne spuse the prblem persn. This is never true. Neither f yu is a cmplete persn yet; yu are bth still grwing up. Usually ne f yu has t grw mre in the relatinal area, such as expressing feelings and cnfrnting prblems, and the ther in the functinal area f life, such as advancing in a career and getting things dne. Help each ther in yur areas f weakness. Remember: yu are ne nw. And if ne f yu is suffering, s is the ther. Yu are n lnger individuals in the way singles are. Make the equality mutual, and make the prblems mutual s that yu help each ther. Cnflict #3: Hurt Feelings That Are N One s Fault Because we all have hurts and things t which we are sensitive, inncent things will set us ff. What is imprtant is that we learn hw t deal with this kind f hurt where n ne is really wrng. Here are sme hints: 1. When Yu Are Hurt, Acknwledge It t Yurself- Knw yurself well enugh t knw when smething is bthering yu, and wn yur feelings. Figure ut what is bthering yu. 2. Cmmunicate- Tell yur spuse yu are hurt by smething she did. Dn t blame yur spuse as if she has sinned. Cmmunicate that yu knw it is yur prblem, that yu just want yur spuse t understand. Use I statements and talk abut yur wn feelings, making sure that yu dn t sund as if yu are blaming yur spuse. 3. Empathize- Be a healing agent fr the hurt f the past. When yu ffer understanding instead f devaluing yur spuse s feelings, yu are ding the ppsite f the ne wh caused the riginal hurt and are becming part f the healing instead f part f the prblem. 4. Identify Patterns and Plan- Learn what hurts yu. Then yu can anticipate things that might hurt yu in the future. And when it happens, yu can take precautins t respnd helpfully r, better yet, avid the hurt altgether. If yu see situatins cming up, yu can plan fr them s that hurt des nt happen. 5. Be in a Healing Mde- We are all respnsible fr the hurts we carry arund inside. If yu have becme aware f a repetitive theme f hurt, call it a prblem and btain sme help. D smething t pursue healing in that area s that it stps interfering in yur life. That is part f becming a cmplete, healed persn. 6. Guard Against Ging t Curt - Validate each ther s feelings because what yur spuse is feeling is real and true fr him r her. Remember, yu dn t need t win r t be right. Old hurts can heal as yu respnd differently t yur spuse than he has been respnded t in his past life. Becming a healing agent, with empathy, understanding, nn-defensiveness, and care.

36 Cnflict #4: Cnflicting Desires Wherever yu have tw peple, yu will have cnflicting desires. It is ne f the things that makes a relatinship what it is. Tw different peple bring differences t the table. In fact, yur differences are part f what brught yu tgether. Nrmally, tw giving peple develp a pattern f give and take, and differences get negtiated. But smetimes they hit a stalemate. A few principles can help: 1. Avid Mralizing Yur Preference- Make sure yu realize that yur desire is nt a higher ne than yur spuse s. D nt try t win by making yurs right and yur spuse s wrng. These are preferences, nt laws. 2. Empathize with and Understand the Imprtance f Yur Spuse s Desires- Avid devaluing what yur spuse wants. Stay away frm statements that make it sund as if what she wants is less imprtant than what yu want. Her desires are just as real t her as yurs are t yu. Validate her desires as real and gd. 3. Mve t Meet Yur Spuse s Desires Befre Yu Meet Yur Own- Seek t make sure that yur spuse gets his r her desires met befre yurs are met, and yu will avid mst arguments. In reality, this is nt ging t happen ften, but yur attitude is what is imprtant. Let yur spuse pick the car, r the mvie, r the vacatin this time. There will always be a next ne. 4. If Necessary, Keep an Accunt f Yurs, Mine, and Ours- Make 2 clumns n a piece f paper t keep scre f hw much time and mney yu have t spend. Figure ut whse turn it was t get t have their way with that night r that dllar. Then alternate. One culd chse the restaurant r the mvie ne night, and the ther the next. One culd spend the first ne hundred dllars, and then the ther. And s n. This system is valuable fr cuples with differing persnalities wh drift int uncnscius patterns. If yu keep an accunt, yu will guard against the passive spuse becming the perpetual lser. The mre assertive ne will finally get sme limits. 5. Dn t Define an I Chice as a We Chice- Sme spuses wh enjy tgetherness define what they want as being fr the relatinship, when it is really fr themselves. They might chse t spend all f their free time ding things tgether, thinking that it is a we chice when in reality it is an I chice. What they shuld be saying is, I am chsing t spend my alltted time with yu, and that must cme ut f my accunt. Sme peple feel cheated when the ther spuse wants t d smething by himself r herself. They feel as if they always give t the relatinship and as if the ther persn is being selfish. This is nt true. They are nt giving t the relatinship; they are making persnal chices that include the ther persn because they dn t like ding things alne r apart frm the relatinship. Make sure that when yu want yur spuse t d a we thing, he r she is really wanting t d that as well. If nt, and he r she ges alng, remember it is fr yu and nt fr the bth f yu. Cunt it in yur wn clumn. 6. Make Sure We s Are Agreed Upn- Make sure yu bth sign ff n activities that are really fr the tw f yu. When yu bth have t sacrifice fr smething, make sure that yu are n the same page in wanting it and agreeing t it. Otherwise, make sure that yu are freely giving in t the ther persn and will nt carry a grudge r an emtinal debt. 7. Questin Yur Preferences- Sme f the things n which yu take strng stances may nt be true desires. As James tells us, we smetimes want things fr wrng mtives (James 4:3). Gd wants t grant t us ur real desires, but smetimes what we want are nt true desires. They cme frm mtives ther than thse frm ur heart. These false desires try t fill empty places and cver feelings f

37 insecurity. Check the mtives fr yur desires. Yu might find mre lasting fulfillment giving t the relatinship instead f yur pleasures. 8. Expand and Grw- Relatinships can grw yu and expand yu if yu let them. Try t see the activity thrugh yur spuse s eyes, and yu might learn t enjy smething that yu never wuld have thught pssible. Cnflict #5: Desires f One Persn Versus the Needs f the Relatinship Smetimes the desire f ne spuse cnflicts with the needs f the relatinship. The rule here is that there is n rule. If there were a rule, it wuld be t find balance ver the lng term. N relatinship is ging t survive if all the members are nt getting sme desires met; vice versa, n relatinship is ging t thrive if the members get their individual needs met and the relatinship always suffers. It is gd fr a relatinship at times t serve its members. The prblem cmes when the marriage always serves ne member and never the thers. Make sure that ver the lng haul the marriage ges n the back burner at times fr each member and that each member has learned that the marriage is mre imprtant than his r her individual wants. Marriage means giving up sme individual rights fr the sake f the marriage. But keep it in balance, making sure that the marriage gets served first. Here are sme hints: Remember that the marriage cmes first. Give the best t the relatinship befre yur individual desires. Earn the equity t spend later. Be clear abut what yu want. Dn t passively wish. Tell yur spuse clearly. Be excited abut what yur spuse wants fr himself r herself individually. Yu are ne, and it is fr yu as well, even if seems that it is just fr him r her right nw. Make sure that yur individual desires that take away frm the relatinship ver the lng haul are nt unbalanced in terms f what yur spuse gets. As much as pssible, make lng-term plans fr individual things that take away frm the marriage. This way yu can plan tgether t sacrifice, and it is nt spur f the mment. Immediate requests feel mre like demands. Cnflict #6: Knwn Versus Unknwn Prblems When we are in denial abut sme prblem, it can destry us. Sme peple are nt in denial, but they have a blind spt. We all have aspects t ur persnalities and character that we d nt abut. In marriage, yur spuse may knw mre abut yu than yu d. The trick t grwth is becming partner t this secret knwledge. There is a difference between knwn and unknwn prblems, hwever, and they shuld be handled differently. Cnflict in Knwn Prblems- If yu have talked abut a certain pattern befre, agree abut what yu will d if the pattern returns. Agree that the persn with the prblem is respnsible fr it nce he knws abut it, and each party knws what t expect if it happens again. Fr sme, this may mean, I am nt ging t tell yu again. I am just ging t enfrce the cnsequence we agreed upn. In principle, the persn knws that he has the prblem and shuld be wrking n it. If yu have talked abut ne partner s tardiness, fr example, then yu might agree ahead f time that if the partner is tardy again, he will get left behind. Or if ne spends t much again, she will have t wrk it ff. If yu have talked befre and want each ther s help, then cnfrnting will be used nt fr plicing, but fr making smene aware. I cannt see when I am ding that. Please let me knw. Then cnfrntatin is an attempt t heal, nt t cntrl the prblem.

38 If yu knw abut the prblem, the plan t fix it is yur respnsibility. Yu are in charge f yur wn character issues. Dn t blame yur spuse in any way fr smething that yu already knw abut yurself. If it is yur partner s prblem and she knws abut it, dn t enable her. If yu d, yu are part f the prblem. Fllw thrugh with the cnsequences yu have agreed upn. Cnflict in Unknwn Prblems Agree with each ther that yu have permissin t tell each ther abut what yu ntice. If yu are partners in discvery, then yu will experience it as teamwrk and nt cntrl. When we are cnfrnted, be pen. Dn t be defensive. Accept the feedback, at least agreeing t lk at yurself and see if it is true. Seek feedback frm thers als. If yur friends tell yu the same thing as yur spuse, yu might believe it mre. Ask yur spuse t shw yu each time it happens s that yu can see the pattern. We tend t think a mistake r prblem is a ne-time ccurrence if we dn t knw that it is true abut us. Catching yurself ver and ver will slwly cnvince yu. Give grace t each ther. In areas that are new discveries fr yur spuse, change is nt ging t be immediate. Give him time. Chapter 14- Reslving Cnflict with a Bundary-Lving Spuse Bundary Lvers In any situatin requiring change, tw majr issues appear right ff the bat. 1. The issue t be dealt with 2. The ability f the persn t deal with the issue If number tw is gd, then in mst cases, number ne will nt be a prblem. Peple wh have the ability t hear feedback and listen we call bundary lvers. The nes wh listen t feedback-the bundary lvers - are characterized by several traits: They are pen t feedback and crrectin frm thers and gain understanding as a result f cnfrntatin r feedback (Prverbs 15:32). They dn t becme defensive when their spuse shares feedback. They take wnership f their wn prblems, chices, feelings, attitudes, and behavirs. They have the ability t see themselves and bserve their behavir. They value the treasures f their spuse. They see their spuse as an individual, separate frm themselves, with separate experiences. They allw their spuse the freedm t be different frm them. They respect the freedm and space f their spuse. They see their wn need fr grwth and change. All f these traits shw that smene is pen t the truth, t the freedm f the ther, t respnsibility, and t lve. If yu d have an attitude f penness, a desire fr yur spuse and yu t experience freedm and lve, then yu will be able t talk thrugh prblems and help each ther. If yu are bth bundary lvers, yu have a cnflict, nt tw.

39 An Overall Strategy Fr all kinds f cnflicts, the Bible suggests the fllwing predictable path ver and ver again: 1. Observatin- Yu can t fix a prblem yu d nt see. One f yu has t ntice the prblem first and see it as a prblem r a cnflict. 2. Cnfrntatin- Yu cannt fix a prblem that yu dn t talk abut. Speak hnestly with each ther. As Paul says, Therefre each f yu must put ff falsehd and speak truthfully t his neighbr, fr we are all members f ne bdy (Ephesians 4:25). But speak the truth in lve as yu let yur spuse knw what is wrng. 3. Ownership, Grief, and Aplgy- If yu are the prblem-r at least part f it-wn it. If yu have been hurt, wn yur hurt and cmmunicate it. If yu are the ne wh is ding the hurting, then cnfess and aplgize. If yu are the wunded party, frgive as well as express yur hurt. 4. Repentance- Once yu see yur part in smething, repent. Change yur mind abut the prblem and change directin. 5. Invlvement in the Prcess- Prblems d nt g away immediately. Becme invlved in whatever prcess will be necessary fr change. It may be cunseling r sme ther frm f structured help, but cmmit t it and stay invlved. 6. Reexaminatin- Have sme system f reexaminatin. Just because yu have faced smething des nt mean it is gne frever. Get a check-up frm thse t whm yu have made yurself accuntable. And then cntinue t get reexamined fr ther things as well. Remember the basic rules f all cmmunicatin: Listen and seek t understand the ther befre yu seek t be understd. Make it yur missin t really understand what yur spuse is feeling, wanting, r desiring. Actively empathize and use reflective listening t let the ther persn knw yu understand. S it really hurts yu when I d that. I get it. Or use statements t let them knw that yu knw. Active listening really cnfirms t smene that yu are hearing and taking seriusly hw he r she feels. D nt devalue r explain away what the ther persn is feeling r saying. Dn t defend. Just listen. Clarify t make sure yu understand. Ask questins. Use I statements that shw yu are taking respnsibility fr what yu are feeling r wanting. When yu are late, I begin t feel nt cared fr. This is much better than saying, Yu make me feel s unlved. The latter is blaming, and the frmer is cmmunicating feelings. Chapter 15- Reslving Cnflict with a Bundary-Resistant Spuse Bundaries Aren t Always Welcme in Marriage Gd designed bundaries fr sme very gd reasns, all f which benefit a cuple. Bundaries prtect lve. They enhance freedm. They allw peple t be separate and stay cnnected. They define respnsibility s that peple knw what their tasks are.

40 Lve can nly flurish and deepen when tw peple embrace the pain f receiving and respecting their mate s bundaries. S many gd things result when bth mates preserve the bundaries f the ther: Yu increase yur ability t feel cmpassin fr yur spuse s needs, desires, and hurts. Yu develp self-cntrl and patience. Yu becme humble and self-crrecting. Yu appreciate yur mate fr wh he is, nt fr his usefulness t yu. Yu depend less n yur spuse s reactins and mre n yur wn values t make yu happy. Yu learn abut hw Gd respects ur bundaries with him. Fr peple wh cntrl thers r wh dn t take wnership f their wn lives, the bundary message desn t cme as gd news r smething that brings freedm. In fact, cntrlling spuses hear that they are hurting smene they lve. They hear that things need t change, and change is difficult and ften painful. These changes may invlve several things: Allwing yur spuse t say n t yu Humbly admitting yu have been trying t cntrl yur spuse Submitting t Gd s prcess f learning bundaries and self-cntrl Respecting the freedm f yur spuse Restraining the tendency t withdraw frm yur spuse, attack her, r make her feel guilty Becming aware f yur helplessness t truly cntrl anyne Asking fr yur spuse s feedback when yu crss her bundaries It is realistic t identify pain as pain, even if it is grwth-prducing pain. The painful discipline f bundaries will eventually bear gd results in ur lives. Character Is What Yu D with the Pain f Bundaries Gd character welcmes the pain f bundaries, as a persn f character wants t lve Gd and thers and grw spiritually and emtinally. A persn f prblem character, hwever, refuses t accept his status as smene wh smetimes needs crrectin and limits frm thers. This scary psitin is the psitin f a mcker, wh hates thse wh rebuke him (Prverbs 9:8). Even mre frightening, it is the psitin f ne wh is attempting t take n the rle f Gd, wh alne in the universe des nt need t be crrected. Hw the Bundary Buster Sees the Issue Often ne f the greatest prblems between cuples is that the bundary-lving spuse desn t understand the perspective f the bundary-resistant ne. The bundary lver desn t grasp that the bundary resister really desn t see things the same way she des. Peple wh dn t respect thers bundaries have a basic attitude tward life: I shuld be able t d what I want. The bundary resistant spuse feels that he shuld be able t d what he wants whenever he wants. With that as his perative principle in life, he will challenge and prtest any bundary until he begins t grw up. Bundaries say that yu cannt d what yu want all the time.

41 Ignrance Is Nt a Character Prblem We are nt saying that all bundary-busting spuses have a character prblem. Many times what appears t be selfishness is actually ignrance. The spuse may simply nt knw that her behavir is hurtful r irritating t the ther. The Spuse f the Bundary Buster Needs Scrutiny Be aware that discvering that yur spuse is a bundary buster desn t mean he is any wrse a persn than yu are. Mst f the time, the mate f a bundary-resistant spuse has much t repent f als, such as the fllwing: Pretending that everything is all right Nt speaking the truth Being emtinally absent and withdrawing instead f bringing up prblems Nt fllwing up n cnsequences Nagging and nt acting respnsibly Being passively revengeful Being self-righteus and cndemning Gssiping abut yur spuse but nt telling him yur feelings Causes f Bundary Resistance Befre yu address the prblem f the bundary-resistant spuse, yu need t understand the reasns fr bundary resisting t help yu knw better hw t apprach the issues. Empathic Failure- T accept bundaries, a persn must be able t see the effects f his lack f bundaries n thers. Irrespnsibility- Sme spuses have a lw sense f wnership f their actins. They feel that they shuld be able t d whatever they want and suffer n cnsequences fr it. Nne f us take respnsibility fr ur wn lives gracefully; it has t be built int us by many painful experiences. And sme peple have escaped this lessn because parents and friends have enabled their behavir and rescued them. Behind an irrespnsible spuse is always a safety-net persn, either in the past r the present. Inability t Receive Limits and Stay Free- At ther times, a spuse may resist bundaries because f a split within his wn sul. He may be unable t receive cnfrntatin r cnsequences due t a lack f integratin f lve and freedm. Cntrl f Others- Sme spuses resist bundaries due t their attempts t cntrl, manipulate, r dminate their mates. They are unable t see their spuse as having separate and equal feelings and ideas. Rather, they believe that their way is the nly way. Instead f mutually slving prblems, they negate and minimize the freedm f their spuse. When a spuse is either passively r aggressively cntrlling, he needs t learn that his denial f wnership nt nly hurts thers, but als hurts him and keeps him frm being free. Denial f Imperfectin- Spuses wh refuse t admit weaknesses and faults can be majr bundary busters. They stay highly invested in nt being wrng r bad. Retaliatin- Smetimes a marriage can be trubled by a spuse wh takes revenge n perceived r real transgressins by his mate. When he feels wrnged, he feels justified in mre wrngding: an eye fr an eye. Yur mate will nt always handle yur tender feelings in the mst careful way. Yu may feel justifiably hurt and angry abut his treatment f yu. Yet, revenge belngs t Gd, nt us (Rmans 12:19). Take yur hurt feelings t peple and places where yu can heal, and then learn t slve the prblem, nt take revenge n the ne wh hurt yu.

42 Transference- The intimacy generated by marriage can revive ld feelings tward ther significant relatinships. Intimacy begets emtins, and emtins that have nt been wrked thrugh can cme ut in cnfusing ways in marriage, causing bundary prblems. The cnfusing state f having feelings tward a spuse that are abut smene else is called transference. Specific Cntext f Resistance- Sme spuses are empathic, humble, crrectable, and respectful t bundaries in all areas but ne. This pcket area becmes a n man s land fr the marriage. Bth spuses learn t skirt arund it, as it tends t bring ut fights, eruptins, and unreslved cnflict. Generally speaking, there can be mre than ne cause fr these situatins: Lack f infrmatin and experience. A spuse may simply have n clue as t hw this area affects the ther persn. Past hurts in that area. The critical wife may have been shamed by her parents in public and may be reacting in that specific arena. Character issues. This ne visible prblem may be the sign f a deeper, hidden character prblem. The deeper yu investigate, the mre a cnsistent pattern emerges. The sexually insensitive husband may be self-centered sexually because he can hide his needs in the ther arenas f life. Hwever, a discerning eye can see that his lvingness in ther areas may be shallw. If It Is Character, Yu Have a Jb T D Let s suppse yur spuse is aware f yur feelings and cncerns, but ignres, minimizes, r therwise resists yur bundaries. If this is yur situatin, yu have sme wrk ahead f yu. It is hard wrk, but it can als be the mst prductive thing yu will ever d fr yur marriage. Yu must nt apprach this prblem as if yu are a team. At this pint, yu have an adversary. Understand that yu are n yur wn, within the marriage, in appraching the issue. Actually, yu are nt alne; yu have Gd and yur bundary-lving friends. But yu dn t expect much cperatin fr yur spuse. A few things yu may be tempted t d will nt help the situatin at all. Remember these, tape them in yur wallet, and DON T DO THEM! Dn t deny r minimize the situatin if it is a significant bundary prblem. Hiding frm reality desn t change reality. Dn t ignre the situatin, hping it will get better. Time alne des nt heal character immaturity. Dn t becme mre cmpliant and pleasing, hping lve will fix everything. Again, character issues demand mre than lve in rder t mature. Dn t nag. Repeating the same prtest ver and ver never changed anyne (Prverbs 21:9). Dn t be cnstantly surprised at yur spuse s behavir. This is a sign f a defensive hping against hpe. When ut-f-cntrl peple have n external frces causing them pain, they generally stay ut-f-cntrl. Expect things t stay the same until yu initiate changes within the marriage. Dn t blame. Very few marriage-bundary cnflicts invlve an all-inncent and an all-guilty party. Take wnership f the part f the issue, taking the lg ut f yur wn eye (Matthew 7:5). Dn t take ttal wnership f the prblem. If yu rescue yur partner frm his part, yu will nly make the issue wrse (Prverbs 19:19).

43 Yur T-D List We als want yu t have several specific principles f peratin in mind. These will give yu a way t apprach yur spuse with grace and truth. Make Sul Cnnectins- If yu deal with a bundary-resistant spuse, yu will encunter cnflict. Yur spuse may becme angry with yu, withdraw frm yu, r try t make yu feel guilty. This struggle will threaten the clseness yu have with him. Yur hpes t fulfill yur Gd-given need fr lve may be jepardized when yu set bundaries with yur spuse. Enlarge yur heart t include mre than yur spuse, and bring yur needy, dependent parts t these ther peple. They will serve as a resurce fr cmfrt, encuragement, and strength during the stress f bundary negtiatin in yur marriage. Grw and Own- Gd desn t want yu t cme int relatinship simply t set limits in yur marriage. He wants yu. S, what ften happens is what needs t happen. As yu pen up, cnfessing yur needs and faults t lving peple, yu grw spiritually and emtinally. Gd things happen inside. Yu deal with ld hurts. Yu becme mre hnest. Yu find yur heart. Yu frgive and let g f things. Yu center yur life arund Gd and his life fr yu. In shrt, yu grw up in him (Ephesians 4:15-16). Many things can happen during this prcess that can help yu prepare fr dealing with yur bundary prblem with yur spuse: Yu may discver why yur spuse has this particular issue. Yu may find ut why yu have had truble setting limits. Yu may learn hw t be mre hnest and cnfrnting in safe relatinships t prepare yu fr cnfrntatin in the marriage. Yu may learn hw t receive lve and supprt when yu fail in yur limits and need grace, encuragement, and feedback. Identify the Specific Issue- Once yu are cnnected and in the bundary-setting prcess, yu will need t find ut what the specific bundary issue is. This imprtant part f the prcess cannt be cmpleted instantly. Yu will need t knw the fllwing aspects: What bundary f yurs is being vilated: My husband is chrnically late. My bundary f being n time is vilated. Hw it affects yu and yur lve fr yur spuse: I feel devalued and less imprtant than his ther cmmitments. It distances me frm him. Whether r nt the prblem is a pattern r an ccasinal event: It happens several times a week, and has fr years. Why it is imprtant enugh t risk cnflict ver it: I dn t want t resent him. I want t feel clse t him. And I want him t be n time fr meals and family meetings. Yu may find it harder than yu think t identify a specific bundary issue. When yu deal with a specific issue, the questin f character change may arise. Ask yurself, Am I requesting my spuse t change her heart r simply her behavir? Am I asking fr a character change r a bundary change? It is generally best t request the deeper attitude change first fr several reasns: Slving the internal issue helps slve the utward symptm. Asking fr internal change ften helps yu learn abut yur spuse s attitude tward bundaries. Everyne, even a bundary-resistant spuse, needs t be invited t change internally befre dealing with cnsequences.

44 Sadly, a bundary-resistant spuse will mst likely negate yur request fr internal change. This is the nature f resistance: an ppsitin t seeing r wning an issue. When yu have humbly asked fr the internal change, and she resists, mve n t the specific behaviral level. Validate Yur Spuse- Resistant spuses still need t knw that yu understand their perspective. Peple have a difficult time changing when their feelings are negated and dismissed. Validatin and grace sften the burden f change. Lve Yur Spuse- In bundary cnflict reslutin yu need t cmmunicate that yur gal is t be clse t yur spuse, nt t hurt her. Bundaries are abut prtecting lve. They are nt abut changing peple, beating them up, punishing them, r shwing them their evil ways. If yu dn t establish that yu are trying t slve a prblem s that lve can reign, yu risk being seen as a cntrlling r critical parent by yur spuse. Shw her that yu value the cnnectin abve all. Create a Level Playing Field- Here is sme hard news: yu have t earn the right t require yur spuse t change. Lk actively at hw yu may be cntributing t the prblem, and make any necessary changes. What is even harder is that yu need t make yur changes, even if yur spuse des nt. This may sund unfair, but it is ne f the mre imprtant realities f life. Gd wants t wrk in yu t grw yu up and mature yu. He wants t make yu mre like him. D nt depend n yur spuse t grw up befre yu d. Lk at yur wn cntributin t the bundary cnflict. Ask yur spuse. Ask hnest and safe friends. And ask Gd t search yur heart (Psalm 139:23-24). Make the necessary changes. They d help yu earn the right t ask fr change. Yet, n a deeper level, they are what mlds yu int Gd s likeness. Request Change- Remember all the abve elements as yu apprach yur spuse with a request fr him t respect a bundary f yurs. Let him knw abut yur lve and yur wn faults. But be clear and specific abut yur request. Try nt t leave rm fr misinterpretatin: Give Yur Spuse Time and Patience- This may be the first time yu have addressed the bundary prblem with yur spuse. Or it may be the first time yu have brught it up apprpriately. If s, simply make the request and allw sme time t bserve her respnse. Befre yu set up cnsequences, see what happens when yu ask crrectly, appealing t lve and empathy. Remember that yu are always evaluating yurself, her, and the prcess during this time. By giving her time t respnd, yu are learning whether r nt cnsequences are necessary. Sme bundary-resistant spuses need time t adjust t the new reality f a mate with bundaries. She may nt be used t yur being direct, immediate, and hnest abut what yu dn t like in the marriage. This stands t reasn, as t sme extent yu have trained her t bust yur bundaries. Nw yu are changing the rules, and it takes time t adapt.

45 Establish Apprpriate Cnsequences- Stating the bundary, hwever, may nt be enugh. Yu need t establish sme cnsequence fr yur spuse s transgressin s that he will experience sme discmfrt fr his irrespnsibility. A cnsequence has t have several very imprtant characteristics: Designed t help with reality and prtect yu, nt designed t cntrl r change yur spuse. Bundaries and cnsequences are nt abut fixing smene r making them chse better. They are abut allwing apprpriate cause and effect s that yur spuse will experience the pain f irrespnsibility and then change. Deliberate, and nt impulsive r set in anger. Think thrugh, prayerfully and with friends, what an apprpriate cnsequence might be. It is nt abut getting even. It is abut getting ut f enabling yur spuse and abut prtecting yurself frm evil. As reality-based as pssible. Yu want reality t be yur spuse s instructr. Apprpriately severe. Evaluate hw chrnic, destructive, and severe the bundary vilatin is. The cnsequence needs t be serius enugh t matter, but nt s severe that it, rather than the behavir, becmes the issue. Enfrceable. Make sure this is smething yu can and will d. Yu need t make sure yu have the pwer and resurces t set the limit. If yu can t tell the pastr yu are having truble in yur marriage, dn t threaten t d that. Preservative f yur spuse s freedm. Dn t set a cnsequence by saying, Yu have t, Yu must, r, I will make yu. Cnsequences are nt smething yu d t cntrl yur spuse. They are reactins t his chices. Let him make his chices, but prepare yur reactins. As immediate as pssible. Just as kids need quick cnsequences, s d spuses. Yur spuse can make the assciatin between his actin and the results if they are clse tgether in time. Respectful f his rle as spuse. Stay away frm humiliating r punitive cnsequences such as making fun f him r making sarcastic remarks. Designed t be mdified as yur spuse changes. Cnsequences dn t have t be frever. As yur spuse wns and repents, yu can change the cnsequences. Hwever, be sure that change has truly ccurred ver sme perid f time. I m srry is nt enugh t let g f the cnsequence. The ther side f this, hwever, is that yu may have t escalate the severity f the cnsequence if yur spuse behaves wrse.

46 Bundary: I want yu t Cnsequence: I will Be less messy at hme Cnfiscate/give away what I pick up that is yurs Stp ding yur laundry End yur chrnic lateness Leave fr the meeting withut yu Stp demeaning me in public Be emtinally distant Leave the event Give up yur deceptin and lying Emtinally pull away t prtect myself r ask yu t leave (depending n severity) until yu agree t cunseling Cease yur temper tantrums Leave the rm/hme fr a perid f time Jin a supprt grup fr raging spuses Ask ur friends fr help Quit verspending Remve yur credit cards Open separate accunts Stp paying fr certain expenses and have yu take respnsibility fr them End yur drinking/substance prblems Set up an interventin Have yu leave hme until treated Deal with yur sexual prblems: prngraphy, prstitutin, etc. End sexual intimacy Require that yu wrk n issue in utside relatinships t stay in hme End the affair Require that yu leave hme, nt returning at the snest until the affair is ver and cunseling entered Stp yur abuse Leave hme and g t safety Cntact authrities: plice/church/cunselrs

47 Examples f Cnsequences: Warn Yur Spuse- Apprpriately warn yur spuse. If yu have requested change and have given time with n result, she needs t be aware that yu will nw begin setting limits. This accmplishes tw purpses. First, yur spuse has a chance t repent befre suffering (Ezekiel 3:18-19). Secnd, yu are nt reacting impulsively r secretly, but in grace and lngsuffering. Fllw Thrugh- A bundary withut a cnsequence is nagging. Be sure t fllw thrugh with the limit yu have set. Otherwise, yu train yur spuse that he can d whatever he wants and that nthing wrse than wrds will befall him. Yu may encunter prblems fllwing thrugh. Guilt, fear f lss f lve, and fear f yur spuse s escalating behavir may cause yu t hesitate. If this happens, make sure that yu surrund yurself with lving, hnest peple wh will supprt yu in this prcess. They can encurage yu, prtect yu, assure yu f the rightness f yur stance, and be with yu in the prcess (Hebrews 12:12-13). Observe and Evaluate Over Time- Again, let time pass after yu fllw thrugh with cnsequences. Thrugh this experience yu will learn t understand yur spuse better. Sme mates will require nly a few examples t see that irrespnsibility r selfishness is painful. Others may need mre time, and yu may even have t change the cnsequences t fit the situatin better. Still thers, sadly, will have n interest in changing. When smene wants t live a life unaffected by the feelings and hurts f thers, that behavir ges against everything that is true abut Gd. Yet Gd gives peple great freedm t be selfish and hurtful, because this freedm may ne day be the freedm thrugh which they chse his ways. As C.S. Lewis says in Mere Christianity, If a thing is free t be gd it is als free t be bad.why, then, did Gd give (humans) free will? Because free will, thugh it makes evil pssible, is als the nly thing that makes pssible any lve r gdness r jy wrth having. If this is yur situatin, understand that yur bundaries are mre fr yu than fr yur spuse. They are t prtect and structure yu, and nly secndarily t change and mtivate him. Deal With Escalatin and Anger Dn t be surprised r shcked if yur spuse escalates the behavir that trubles yu. Yur spuse may get messier, mre cntrlling, r mre f a spendthrift. Be prepared fr this. Warn again, make the cnsequences stricter, r simply make sure yu are sticking t them cnsistently. Sme spuses wake up and smell the cffee after a few escalatins, and sme test yu lnger. Handle his anger and hatred with firmness. Many spuses back ff an apprpriate bundary they have set because they can t tlerate being hated. Allw the hatred t exist. Yur spuse is angry with yu fr saying n t him. He has the right t hate yur n. Just understand where it cmes frm, dn t react t it, and stay cnnected t Gd and thers. Dn t be surprised if yu begin questining yurself. Yu may d this especially if yur mate prtests, blames yu, becmes angry with yu, r intensifies her resistance. Yu may dubt whether yur bundary setting is the right thing t d. Leave Permanently It is sad but necessary t bring up the ultimate cnsequence in marriage: divrce. Divrce des nt fix a marriage. It ends it. It is much less than Gd s ideal, but he des allw it in certain circumstances, such as adultery r desertin by an unbelieving spuse. Even then, Gd des nt mandate it.

48 There are many steps t take befre yu cnsider divrce, as yu can see frm this chapter. Divrce can nly be the last step in a lng prcess that includes prayer, invitatin, change, patience, cnsequences, and lve. Develp yur bundaries and cnsequences s that, ultimately, yu aren t the ne leaving. Rather, cnstruct them s that yur righteusness and Gd s painful realities will frce yur spuse ver time either t relent and change, r t decide against yu and Gd. In that way, yur spuse must be respnsible fr the cnsequences f leaving yu, nt yu fr leaving him. Remember that Gd supprts yu as yu fllw his ways. He will nt leave yu during the cnflicts and dark times. Cling t him and yur friends as yu establish gd limits fr yu and yur marriage. Chapter 16- Aviding the Misuse f Bundaries in Marriage Misuse f bundaries ften results in increased alienatin instead f increased lve. Here are sme examples: A wife whse first and nly bundary is t divrce her husband A husband wh cntrls his wife but calls his actins setting bundaries A wife wh uses cnsequences and withdrawal t get revenge n her husband A husband wh excuses his rage attacks by saying he is simply being truthful These are all grievus misunderstandings f what the Bible teaches abut becming a righteus, respnsible, free persn, a persn with gd bundaries. Bundaries were nt designed t end relatinships, but t preserve and deepen them. With cuples, bundaries are ultimately fr wrking within the marriage, nt utside f it. The Purpse f Suffering Bundaries are nt abut an escape frm suffering, nr an escape frm respnsibility. In fact, when we set limits in marriage, smetimes we suffer mre, nt less. When a wife takes a stand t disagree with her pininated husband s desire t plan their weekend his way, she will suffer fr her stand. Yet it may be the right thing fr bth f them. Thrugh suffering we learn t get ur needs met, give t thers, and yet relinquish demands that all creatures in the universe bw dwn t us. Suffering helps us survive, even thrive, while giving up the wish t be Gd. Here are sme f the benefits that suffering can bring t marriage: Grwing in faith that ur unseen Gd is helping and supprting Learning t hld nt ne s values in tugh times Becming a truthful persn when it is nt ppular Delaying gratificatin fr a future and better gal Staying cnnected t thers instead f withdrawing in self-absrptin Learning t live in frgiveness with an imperfect spuse Learning t accept frgiveness fr being an imperfect spuse Suffering fr the Wrng Reasns The cnfusin abut suffering, bundaries, and marriage ften cmes, nt because spuses try t avid grwing up, but because they have been suffering fr sme time fr the wrng reasns. Ungdly suffering cmes frm either ding the wrng thing r nt ding the right thing. This type f pain is a signal t us that smething bad is happening. It is a warning t change a behavir, an attitude, r a feeling.

49 The rescuing spuse f the rageahlic is nt experiencing gdly suffering, the kind that cmes frm ding the right thing; instead, she is experiencing ungdly suffering, the kind that cmes frm ding the wrng thing. Gdly suffering changes, als, but in a different way. The prcess cntinues as grwth cntinues. Gd des nt want yu t set bundaries in yur marriage t end suffering and pain. He wants yu t end the ungdly suffering, which prduces n grwth, and enter his suffering, which always brings gd results. Situatin Ungdly Suffering Gdly Suffering An verspending wife Nagging r silence Taking the credit cards and enduring her wrath A critical husband A wife wh cntrls by guilt messages A husband wh desn t help with husewrk Cmplying t win his apprval Resentfully ding what she wants Pretending he s a cute little by and verlking it Leaving the rm when he criticizes and letting him be angry abut it Cnfrnting her cvert cntrl and letting her call him an unlving persn Letting him ck his wn meals until he helps ut, and allwing him t put Nne f these scenaris has a painless respnse. S if yu re ging t endure discmfrt, yu may as well have it d sme gd. Remember that Jesus enduring the pain f the crss fr the jy that was set befre him (Hebrews 12:2). Dn t set limits t live an anesthetized life. Set them t build lve, hnesty, and freedm in yur marriage. Setting Bundaries t Avid Grwth Understand hw hard grwth and change are fr yur spuse, especially when she is in denial r ut f cntrl. Give her the same grace that yu als need t mature. Belw are sme f the elements yu will need t apply in yur marriage alng with bundaries. Lve- Lve is the mst imprtant element f any relatinship. It is the essential framewrk fr hw t treat yur mate. Others- Nt nly d yu need t speak frm lve, but als yu need t be receiving care, supprt, and encuragement frm Gd and thers utside f yur marriage. We need relatinship with peple t fill us up inside, especially when we have marriage struggles. Ownership- There are almst n marriage prblems in which ne spuse cntributes ne hundred percent and the ther, zer percent. Humbly take respnsibility fr what yu have dne, aplgize, ask frgiveness, and change. Invitatin- Whatever the prblem between yu and yur spuse, invite him t change befre yu set limits. With empathy and lve, request that he make a change. Warning- When we warn, we tell ur spuse tw things: first, we tell him that smething painful might happen in the future; secnd, we tell him that his behavir will help determine what happens. Often, knwing that a cnsequence is in ur future helps us take wnership f urselves.

50 Patience- Many times, a spuse will appear impatient and intlerant f his mate s irrespnsibility r cntrl. Once the issue is expsed, he will demand instant change and will be quite critical when she fails, regresses, r resists the prcess f grwth. This ften happens because he has been silently suffering fr s lng that he feels he has indeed been patient. Hwever, silent suffering is nt patience. Such suffering is ften driven by fear r avidance f cnflict. Patience is different. Patience allws the prcess t happen while yu are als prviding the ingredients f grwth. Make sure yu are lving and truthful while yu allw yur spuse time t grw. Remember hw lng it has taken fr yu t change, and remember Gd s patience with us: He is patient with yu, nt wanting anyne t perish (2 Peter 3:9). Cnsequence- When lve, supprt, invitatin, warning, and patience are in play, yu may have t fllw thrugh n yur cnsequence. Cnsequences prtect yu and als help yur spuse deal with the reality f his actins. Be cnsistent but lving. Dn t set yur cnsequence ut f anger, revenge, r punishment. Renegtiatin- Many bundaries can be changed ver time as a spuse matures and changes. Yu may nt have t keep a limit frever, as what yu make external becmes internalized in yur marriage, as it becmes a part f wh yu tw are. This is a mark f grwing up: what was utside becmes a part f us inside. Frgiveness- Finally, be actively and cnstantly in the prcess f frgiveness. T frgive is t cancel a debt. Yu need t bth frgive yur spuse and request frgiveness frm yur spuse. Submissin Few passages in the Bible have been subject t mre misunderstanding and misuse than this teaching n submissin: Wives, submit t yur husbands as t the Lrd. Fr the husband is the head f the wife as Christ is the head f the church, his bdy, f which he is the Savir.Husbands, lve yur wives, just as Christ lved the church and gave himself up fr her t make her hly (Ephesians 5:22-23,25). Basically, this passage establishes a sense f rder in a marriage. It places final respnsibility fr the family n the shulders f the husband. He is the head, r the leader f the family, as Christ is the leader f the church. The passage asks the wife t submit t her husband s leadership, as we all submit t Christ s leadership. What des this leadership lk like? It is basically the leadership Christ prvides the church: He died fr her and makes her whle. He lks ut fr her grwth and best interest, cleanses her frm guilt, prvides resurces fr her grwth, and prtects her frm the wrld, the flesh, and the devil. He helps her t invest her talents, heals her hurts, takes her suffering n himself, supprts her in trials, and cmes alngside f her when she falls. A leader is a giving servant wh is cmmitted t the best fr the ne(s) he r she is leading. If a wife is resisting a husband wh is lving, truthful, prtective, and prviding fr her well-being, then smething is wrng. The cmmandment fr her t submit, t respnd t her husband assumes he is lving her in this way. S, whether we are speaking f the church r f marriage, the cmmandment prvides a beautiful picture f a sacrificial lve and the respnse t such a lve.

51 What submissin des nt mean is that a husband just tells a wife what t d. Leadership des nt mean dminatin. Marriages that wrk best have equal partners with differing rles. Decisins are best made mutually, as bth parties with their different strengths bring in different perspectives. Lving men wuld never make sme decisin that wuld hurt his wife. He needs her input, and she needs his. They are interdependent, and they are partners in the marriage. Anther prblem may ccur when a wife stands up fr the right thing, and her husband tells her she is nt being submissive. She may cnfrnt her husband s attitudes r addictin r lying r sme ther ungdly behavir, and then she is called unsubmissive. Wives are always t submit t Gd and his laws abve thse f their husbands. If their husbands are ding smething evil, the wives are t stand up t that evil. There is als the prblem f a cntrlling wman wh wants t be in charge f everything. Selfishness knws n gender lines. The idea f submissin is never meant t allw smene t verstep anther s bundaries. Submissin nly has meaning in the cntext f bundaries, fr bundaries prmte self-cntrl and freedm. If a wife is nt free and in cntrl f herself, she is nt submitting anyway. She is a slave subject t a slave driver, and she is ut f the will f Gd. As Galatians 5:1 says, It is fr freedm that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and d nt let yurselves be burdened again by a yke f slavery. If a wife is being put under sme law that says she is bad if she des nt submit t her husband s cruelty and prblems, then she is nt free at all. Likewise, if she is nt free t say n withut being deemed bad, then she is nt free at all. S the cncept f bundaries as the freedm t d gd in n way cntrasts with the idea f submissin. A free persn is the nly ne wh can submit. The idea f submissin aside, selfishness is never gd fr any relatinship. If bth f yu are nt using yur freedm and bundaries t give t and t serve each ther, then yu d nt understand lve. Use yur freedm t give, sacrifice, and lve yur spuse, whether yu are husband r wife. If yu d that, with the result that mst f yur arguments are ver wh gets the chance t d the sacrificing, submissin will never be an issue. Bundaries and Divrce Divrce is nt a bundary in a relatinship. Divrce is an end t a relatinship. Often peple will get t a pint in a bundary-less marriage when they just cannt take it anymre. And they are right. Gd never meant any relatinship t be lived withut bundaries, fr bundaries enfrce his righteus principles. But Gd never meant fr divrce t be the bundary either, and he certainly did nt mean fr it t be the first real stand that smene takes. That mve is basically a defense against grwth and change. Gd s slutin fr I can t live that way anymre is basically, Gd! Dn t live that way anymre. Set firm limits against evil behavirs that are designed t prmte change and redemptin. Get the lve and supprt yu need frm ther places t take the kind f stance that I d t help redeem relatinship. Suffer lng, but suffer in the right way. And when dne Gd s way, chances are much better fr redemptin. Peple with real bundaries culd avid many divrces. But they might have t take a strng stance; separate, nt participate in the behaviral patterns against which they are setting bundaries; and demand righteusness befre participating in the relatinship again. If they becme the light, then the ther persn either changes r ges away. This is why, in mst cases, we say yu really shuld nt have t be the ne wh divrces. If yu are ding the right things, and the ther persn is truly evil, he mst likely will leave

52 yu. But yu can rest in the assurance that yu have dne everything pssible t redeem the relatinship. The prblem is that smetimes a persn thinks that he is setting bundaries, but in reality all he is ding is cntinuing t blame his spuse and demand change in her withut changing himself first. Here is a reiteratin f the path we suggested in ur bk Safe Peple n hw t repair a relatinship. 1. Start frm a supprted psitin s that yu have the strength t deal with yur spuse. 2. Slve yur wn prblems and act righteusly tward yur spuse. Dn t cntribute t the prblem with yur wn issues. 3. Use thers t intervene (cunselrs, pastrs, friends, family, ther peple with leverage). 4. Accept reality and grieve expectatins. Frgive what has already happened. 5. Give change a chance. After yu have stpped enabling yur spuse and have set gd bundaries in the relatinship, give it time. Yur spuse may nt believe yu at first. 6. Lng suffering begins at this pint, nt earlier when yu were cntributing t the prblem. 7. After ding the right things fr a lng time, separatin is smetimes the nly helpful ptin until smene in denial decides t change. In the separatin, d nt give yur spuse the benefits f marriage if he is nt pursuing change. If smene is abusive, addicted, dangerus, r has ther significant prblems, a separatin can change his life. Bundaries in a marriage seek t change and redeem the relatinship. Divrce shuld never be the first bundary. Yu need t set bundaries in the cntext f relatinship, nt fr the purpse f ending relatinship. Take a stance that yu will nt participate in the relatinship until the destructin ends. This is a bundary that helps. But, if yu take that stance, make sure that the prblem is truly the ther persn s and that yu have fllwed all f Gd s steps abve. By writing this bk we want ungdly suffering in a relatinship t end. But we als want redemptin t happen. End yur suffering and see if the bundaries yu set t end yur suffering can be used t bring abut redemptin and recnciliatin as well.