SURPRISE by Mark Harvey Levine

Transcription

1 SURPRISE by Mark Harvey Levine 2000 Mark Harvey Levine 515 S. Los Robles Ave. Pasadena, CA (626)

2 SURPRISE 1 Well, that s another evening thoroughly-- --ruined. I m sorry, Whitney. Please don't- A cheap, all-night diner. studies his menu sheepishly., much better put together, does not look at her menu, but stares at him, steaming mad. I can never see Jane and Margaret again. My only lesbian friends! I ve lost my lesbians! You haven t lost-- I've never felt so-- --embarrassed, I know-- (overlapping) -- embarrassed in all my -- Stop that! I hate when you-- --finish your sentences, I'm sorry. --finish my--! Yes! (overlapping) I can t help it. You know I m psychic. Yes, I know you re psychic, Peter. Everyone knows you re psychic. Jane and Margaret know you re psychic. Anyone forgets, wait five minutes, you'll remind them. I knew you wouldn t understand. Ha ha. Very funny. God! You're not even an INTERESTING psychic. No, you re the ONE guy who's only psychic two minutes ahead. I'm sorry. Are you ready to order? As if on cue, Esther, the waitress, arrives at this moment.

3 SURPRISE 2 Are you ready to order? Oh hi, Peter. Does SHE know you re psychic? He s psychic, y'know. I know. I always come here when I m about to be dumped. (to Esther) I ll have the usual. --Dumped?! And she ll have the blueberry Belgian waffles. And we both want coffee. I ll order for myself, thank you very much. Whitney grabs the menu, looks it over for a long beat. (cont'd) I want the waffles. (to Peter) Damn you, damn you. I ll be back with your coffee. Esther exits. So you know I m going to dump you? It s pretty obvious. --In the next two minutes?! No...I think I ve always known this day would come. We've only been dating three weeks. Please don't break up with me, Whitney! I can t help myself! It s not easy being psychic! I had a terrible childhood.

4 SURPRISE 3 Esther arrives with two cups of coffee as he speaks. (cont'd) When Jimmy DeFornick would beat me up, I could feel each punch before it landed. Sometimes -- you re going to burn your mouth -- if I knew he was going to break my glasses I d take them off and break them myself. As Peter speaks, Whitney defiantly gulps her coffee and holds it in her bulging cheeks, glaring at him. Her mouth is frying. (cont'd) (without pausing) He found that amusing. And I knew he would. Whitney swallows, speaking funny at first due to her burnt mouth. Look, we all had louthy childhoodth, okay? Stacey Gerber used to stomp on my toes during baton practice. It doesn't give you the-- --I didn't! LET ME FINISH! Just once, just once in the final moments of this relationship, I would like to finish a sentence. Thank you. (pause, fuming) I forgot what I was going to-- "--the right to pick fights with your--" --with my friends! Yes! (overlapping) (overlapping) And then I say "I didn't", and you say-- You most certainly did. --And then I say-- Stop that! --And it's all so boring. Don't say things along with me! and (simultaneously) (cont'd)

5 SURPRISE 4 Why bother having the fight if--? You know I hate that! All I said to them was the Spinach Mushroom Lasagna was going to be dry and inedib-- --They MADE the Spinach Mushroom Las-- --How was I supposed to kn--? (banging table) --BECAUSE YOU'RE PSYCHIC!! Look, I only know the next two minutes, okay? I can't tell who made dinner. I'm not a foodpsychic. Except ours is here. Right on cue, Esther enters with their food: waffles for Whitney and a bowl of corn flakes for Peter. Here ya go! Blueberry Belgian Waffles, and one "I'm Getting Dumped" Special. Corn flakes?! You go to a restaurant and order corn flakes?! (meekly) I like how they do them here. Can I get you anything else? We're fine. Just bring the towel. Esther exits. (cont'd) And the lasagna WAS dry and inedi-- Of course it was! It always is! It's their specialty! That's why you go out to eat afterwards! And you don't have to be psychic to know when someone invites you over, they made the damn dinner!

6 SURPRISE 5 I don't get invited over too much. Can't imagine why. Well, people get freaked out just because I-- Sarcasm! That was sarcasm! You know what? I want to thank you. I do. You've taught me the true meaning of hate. Oh, I thought I'd hated before. But I realize now it was a mere youthful dislike. Puppy hate. But with you, I finally know what it means to hate someone! I detest you with a passion I've never felt before! I despise you! I abhor you! Why, I think loathe you! (pause) God, I hate you! Doesn't surprise me. Aggggggggghhhh!!! You missed. AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!! She throws a waffle at him, missing him of course. She throws her water at him, hitting him full in the face -- precisely as Esther arrives with a towel. Peter dries off and tosses the towel to Esther, who catches it one-handed, hardly looking, as she passes by. They've obviously done this before. (With great, but unsteady, calmness) Well. I think it is obvious that we are through, here, Peter. I feel no need to stay. (to Esther) Could you bring us the-- --check? (going to pieces) --Let me say it!!! LET ME SAY IT!!! Check!!! Check check check!!! In fact, never mind! He's going to pay! (to Peter) But then you knew that, didn't you?! Esther holds the door open for Whitney as she storms out.

7 SURPRISE 6 (To himself) Watch your step. (cont'd) (sadly, to Esther) She was too good for me. We hear a crash and a distant "Dammit!!" from Whitney, offstage. Are you kidding me? Honey, I've seen you get dumped by a lot of women, and she was definitely the worst of em. She was my last chance. I m never gonna f-- You'll find someone. You'll see. Someone pretty, smart, independent,...who won't mind that you order corn flakes. What are you, psy--? (overlapping) --Psychic? Nah. Let's just call it a hunch. She grabs him and kisses him, full on the mouth. Peter stands stunned for a moment....didn t see THAT coming... Surprise! But...Why didn't I know? Why couldn't I--? --tell? I guess some things even a psychic can't see. Hey -- you finished one of my-- --sentences. Do you-- --mind? No. No, I don't. So what happens--

8 SURPRISE 7 --next? (smiling) I don t know...! AND (simultaneously) BLACKOUT.