The National Adoption Contact Preference Register

Transcription

1 The Natioal Adoptio Cotact Preferece Register?? Your Questios Aswered??

2 THE NATIONAL ADOPTION CONTACT PREFERENCE REGISTER YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED 2012 Barardos Post Adoptio Service ISBN: ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS This booklet has bee produced by Barardos Post Adoptio Service ad the Adoptio Authority of Irelad followig cosultatio with: Adoptio Rights Alliace Natural Parets Network of Irelad/Adoptio Loss Adoptive Parets Associatio of Irelad Coucil of Irish Adoptio Agecies Health Service Executive Adoptio Services Thaks to the Natioal Lottery for fudig, which made this project possible. ADOPTION AUTHORITY OF IRELAND The Adoptio Authority of Irelad which regulates adoptio i Irelad was established uder the Adoptio Act It is a idepedet, quasi-judicial statutory body appoited by the Govermet ad is the successor to the Irish Adoptio Board established by the Adoptio Act 1952, whe a legal adoptio system was first itroduced i Irelad. Their resposibilities uder the 2010 Act iclude gratig adoptio orders; issuig declaratios of eligibility ad suitability to adopt abroad, maitaiig the Register of Itercoutry Adoptios, registerig ad supervisig accredited adoptio bodies for the provisio of adoptio services ad settig dow guidelies ad stadards for the provisio of all adoptio services. They also operate the Natioal Adoptio Cotact Preferece Register o a admiistrative basis. BARNARDOS POST ADOPTION SERVICE Barardos Post Adoptio Service has offered cofidetial professioal support to all those affected by adoptio sice Services ow iclude a cofidetial helplie; group ad idividual support to atural/birth parets, adopted people ad adoptive families; a cousellig service to iteratioally adopted childre ad their parets (livig i the Dubli, Kildare ad Wicklow area fuded by HSE Easter regio); ad a Natioal Adoptio Cotact Preferece Register mediatio service.

3 CONTENTS 3 ORIGINS OF THE NATIONAL ADOPTION CONTACT PREFERENCE REGISTER Why Was the Register Set Up? What Exactly Does the Register Do? 5 QUESTIONS FOR ANYONE CONSIDERING JOINING THE REGISTER 11 QUESTIONS OF SPECIAL INTEREST TO ADOPTED PEOPLE 19 QUESTIONS FOR NATURAL/BIRTH MOTHERS 27 QUESTIONS FOR OTHER NATURAL/BIRTH FAMILY MEMBERS 31 QUESTIONS FOR ADOPTIVE FAMILIES 37 RESOURCES FOR INFORMATION AND SUPPORT

4 ORIGINS OF THE NATIONAL ADOPTION CONTACT PREFERENCE REGISTER This booklet is desiged to be read i cojuctio with the applicatio form for the Natioal Adoptio Cotact Preferece Register. I the past, adoptio was see as a sigle evet with o eed for follow-up oce the adopted child had bee placed with their adoptive parets. However, it is ow widely accepted that may adopted people ad their atural/birth families have a eed for iformatio about ad/or cotact with each other. The Natioal Adoptio Cotact Preferece Register (NACPR) was lauched by the Adoptio Board, ow called The Adoptio Authority of Irelad, i March 2005 ad is the first State provided Adoptio Cotact Register. The Register was developed by the Adoptio Authority s Iformatio ad Tracig Advisory Group. This group, chaired by The Adoptio Authority of Irelad, is represetative of the Health Service Executive Adoptio Services, Accredited Adoptio Agecies, ad cliet support ad stakeholder groups, icludig groups represetig adopted people, atural/birth parets ad adoptive parets. 3

5 Why was the register set up? The Register was set up as a cetral service: To make it easier for adopted people ad their atural/ birth relatives to record their wishes about cotact with each other. To facilitate cotact where both have chose this optio. What exactly does the register do? The Register checks for coectios betwee the details give by a adopted adult ad a atural/birth family member who have both registered their wishes with the Adoptio Authority. Registratio is doe by fillig i several key pieces of iformatio o a applicatio form ad sedig it to the Authority. This iformatio is put ito a secure computer database to check if there is a match/lik with all existig applicatios. If a match is made with aother applicatio, both the adopted perso ad the atural/birth mother or relative are cotacted by a social worker i the Adoptio Authority. The applicatio form is available by dowloadig it from the Adoptio Authority of Irelad website or by phoig the Authority at Freephoe The form was origially set out to most households i the coutry i April

6 REGISTER?? QUESTIONS FOR ANYONE CONSIDERING JOINING THE

7 1. How do I joi the register? To register you must complete the applicatio form ad sed it, alog with the required I.D., to the Adoptio Authority of Irelad. The applicatio form is available by dowloadig it from the Adoptio Authority website or by phoig Freephoe Iformatio about how the register works ad details about registratio are icluded o the form. Oly those over 18 years old ca register. It is advisable to make a copy of your applicatio form before sedig it i to the Adoptio Authority. 2. I do ot kow what level of cotact to choose. Ca you advise me? The applicatio form gives you various optios from which to choose. May people opt to exchage letters as a first step before decidig how far they wat the cotact to go. The Adoptio Authority ad other support services foud at the back of this booklet will offer further advice if you are ucertai what level of cotact to choose o the form. 3. Ca I check to see if ayoe is lookig for me before I register? It is ot possible for ayoe to check what iformatio is held o the Register, apart from a small umber of staff at the Adoptio Authority, as it is held i a secure database. The Authority will iform you if ayoe coected to you has also registered. 4. What happes after I register? You will get a writte ackowledgemet that your applicatio has bee received by the Authority if you ticked yes to this o the applicatio form. 6

8 5. What is a match? A match usually meas that a adopted perso has bee coected to a atural/birth relative through the register. This happes whe a adopted perso ad a atural/birth relative have both give similar details, for example, date of birth. Sometimes the Adoptio Authority social worker may eed to clarify iformatio with oe applicat before the other perso is cotacted to be sure there is a coectio. It is importat to ote, however, that just because details betwee a adopted perso ad a atural/birth relative have bee matched, it does ot ecessarily mea the other perso has chose the same level of cotact. 6. Are there may matches made? Up to the ed of 2011, the register has made aroud 500 matches sice its lauch i Most have bee betwee people who wat some form of cotact, with oly a small umber who choose o cotact. 7. What is the ext step if the Adoptio Authority iforms me that there is a match? You should clearly ote o your applicatio form if you would prefer to get ews of a match by letter or by phoe so that you ca lear this i a way that is most suitable for you. The Adoptio Authority social worker who cotacts you will discuss your optios with you ad you will have the opportuity to talk thigs over. As it may be some time sice you filled i the form, the details o it or your persoal circumstaces may have chaged. The Adoptio Authority will suggest that you might cosider 7

9 availig of support ad assistace from a professioal itermediary. You ca choose to be put directly i cotact with your relative, but for this to happe, both of you must choose this optio. If you choose to use a itermediary, the Adoptio Authority will iform you of the choices available, which may iclude usig the services of: A accredited adoptio agecy / service A accredited idepedet post adoptio service Waitig lists vary you will be offered a appoitmet as soo as possible. 8. Who are itermediaries ad how ca they help? Itermediaries are usually social workers who are experieced i adoptio. A itermediary is a perso i betwee who ca be ivolved i some/all of the followig stages, depedig o how far you decide to go i the process. Listeig to the persoal story of the perso who has bee matched to help them to decide what the ext best step may be. Explorig their expectatios ad cocers. Lookig at the timig of the match. Clarifyig the optios at this stage ad how the process may ufold. Helpig the perso decide what iformatio they wish to be give to the other perso. Supportig the perso i writig a first letter providig guidelies, sharig tips etc. Actig as a iitial post box for further letters ad photos to be exchaged. Preparig the perso for their first face-to-face meetig ad choosig a veue suitable for both parties. Offerig follow-up support afterwards ad likig with support groups. 8

10 I was really ervous whe I met my atural/birth mother, more ervous tha I have ever felt, but before we kew it, the erves were goe ad five hours had passed ad we would have stayed for five more if oly we did t have to go home! I felt like a veil had bee lifted ad that a void had bee filled. Lorraie (adopted perso)

11 9. Will I be told if there is o match ad how will I hadle this? You will be cotacted oly if there is a match. If you do ot hear agai from the Adoptio Authority after your ackowledgemet (if you choose to get oe) you ca take it that o match has bee made, but you are always welcome to check this with the Iformatio ad Tracig uit at the Adoptio Authority. Remember, aother perso ca register at ay stage i the future, sometimes whe you least expect it or eve at a time whe you feel you have a lot of other thigs goig o i your life. Your atural/ birth relative s circumstaces may chage, or they may fid a ew source of support that ecourages them to come forward. 10. Will the Register search for people who have ot yet registered? As it depeds o people volutarily registerig, the NACPR will ot search for ayoe who has ot registered. 11. Are there other ways to search if I do ot fid a match o the NACPR? Yes. Accredited adoptio agecies ad the Adoptio Authority operate a iformatio ad tracig service. You ca write to the Adoptio Authority to equire whether the agecy who hadled the origial adoptio offers such a service ad, if ot or if it is closed, where your iformatio is held ad who you should cotact. 10

12 PEOPLE?? QUESTIONS OF SPECIAL INTEREST TO ADOPTED

13 12. Are there services that will help me to prepare for cotact with my atural/birth mother or relative? Yes, your itermediary, if you choose to avail of oe, will help to prepare you. You may also wish to go to a support group/ meetig to have the opportuity to meet other adopted people who uderstad your questios ad cocers. A list of cousellors experieced i adoptio is also available from various adoptio support services (see the back of this booklet). 13. How does it feel to be told that a atural/ birth relative wats cotact through the register? Usually a whole rage of feeligs ca arise joy, excitemet, relief as well as other oes you may ot expect like sadess or eve ager. You may fid your spouse, parter, family ad frieds are very excited for you ad do ot uderstad the mixture of emotios you are experiecig. It is possible they may ecourage you to move alog more quickly tha you are ready for. Take your time ad move at a pace that feels right for you. 14. How does it feel to be told your atural/ birth mother is ot i a positio to have cotact with you? It ca be very hard to hear this. Some people feel like they have bee rejected for a secod time. It may also be that you do ot kow much at all about why you were placed for adoptio. You may ot uderstad your atural/birth mother s reasos for ot beig able for cotact with you ow. Your itermediary might be able to fid out why this is. 12

14 It ca help to talk to other adopted people who have had a similar outcome to their search. Your itermediary should be able to esure your atural/birth mother has the support she feels she eeds. 15. What happes if aother atural/birth relative registers ad my atural/birth mother does ot? The Adoptio Authority or your itermediary will cotact your atural/birth mother (where possible) to iform her ad discuss the registratio by aother atural/birth relative. The Authority may eed, for example, to verify the idetity of the other relative. It is the adopted perso s decisio to reuite with aother relative who has registered. However, very occasioally, the Adoptio Authority or your itermediary may advise you that there are strog reasos for cotact to be avoided if particular iformatio is brought to their attetio by the atural/birth mother that you may wat to cosider. For most people though, cotact with other birth relatives is a positive ad life ehacig experiece. 16. Will I be told if oe of my atural/birth parets has died? If you register, iformatio may emerge through aother atural/birth relative goig o the register, or a fried iformig the Authority, that sadly this has happeed. While this is obviously very difficult iformatio for you to lear, it is possible that you may be able to hear more about your atural/birth paret from family or frieds, perhaps see photos or visit a grave. A itermediary should be able to help you with this. 13

15 17. What are some possible outcomes? There are may possibilities ad each perso will have differet views ad feeligs about the iformatio they discover, but it is worth thikig about some of the possible outcomes i advace. The followig are examples of possible scearios to cosider: You may reuite with your atural/birth mother or father ad develop a fulfillig relatioship. You may reuite with your atural/birth mother or father ad just exchage phoe calls, birthday ad Christmas cards. You may embark o your jourey assumig that you will meet just your atural/birth mother, but discover there are may other atural/birth family members who are delighted to meet you. You may fid that your atural/birth mother does ot wat cotact ad go o to have a positive relatioship with your atural/birth father or other atural/birth family members. Sometimes there are challegig or more uexpected scearios to deal with, for example: Your atural/birth parets may have married ad you could have full sibligs. Your atural/birth mother may have always kept you a secret. Your atural/birth mother may have placed several childre separately for adoptio. You may have bee bor as a result of a extra marital affair. Your atural/birth mother may have kept a child bor before or after you. Your atural/birth mother may have blaked out crucial memories as they were so difficult to deal with. 14

16 Meetig my atural/birth father was a amazig, surreal experiece, but mostly a happy oe. He was thrilled ad proud to see the daughter he lost all those years ago ad I was stued to be stadig i frot of someoe who looked so like me. Abby (adopted perso) I loved meetig my half-sister. As she lives overseas, we had ed for a log time before we met so we felt like old frieds whe we did sit face-to-face. We talked ad laughed for hours ad it felt so atural ad easy. Valerie (adopted perso)

17 18. Ca I fid out some iformatio about my atural/birth relatives before I meet them? A itermediary will meet with both you ad your atural/birth relative idepedetly. They will help you to decide o iformatio that you are happy for them to share with your relative about your life ow ad i the past. It is usually recommeded that, at first, the iformatio should ot idetify you or your family. This meas you ca take it at your ow pace ad ot be cotacted directly util you feel ready. Oce some iitial iformatio is shared ad you have had time to take it all i, you may feel ready to begi some form of commuicatio with the other perso, e.g. by letter. It is a good idea to discuss your expectatios for after reuio with your itermediary ad to be hoest about these with your atural/ birth relative prior to ay meetig. Naturally, however, such expectatios ad plas ca chage after the meetig. 19. Whe is the right time to register with the NACPR? Adoptio reuio ca be both time cosumig ad emotioally challegig. We recommed that you register at a time whe you feel best prepared ad always take thigs at your ow pace. Durig exams or whe you re gettig married or havig a child may ot be the best time as you might feel a lot is goig o i your life at that stage. However, you should oly do what you thik is best for you. 16

18 20. Should I tell my adoptive parets that I have registered? May adopted people will register with the full kowledge, support ad ecouragemet of their parets. However, tellig parets is etirely up to the idividual. It is a good idea to talk to your family about goig o the Register as you may eed their support ad secrecy ca prove difficult i the log ru. However, it is your choice. Some people have good reasos for ot tellig their parets, for example, if they are elderly or i bad health or if you feel they might be usupportive. This decisio ca sometimes be a complex issue that is worth explorig with a itermediary or cousellor or with other adopted people. 21. What if I chage my mid? Ca I delete or chage my details? Yes, you should iform the Adoptio Authority (i writig) of a ew cotact address, telephoe umber or if you are rethikig the level of cotact you have chose previously. Also you might wat to postpoe your registratio, for example, if you are thikig of goig abroad for a year to work or study, or if you experiece a bereavemet i your family, are gettig married or havig a child. 22. What is it like to meet your atural/birth mother/relative for the first time? Adopted people describe the first meetig differetly. Most view it as a uique experiece to meet someoe who is so closely related to you yet is a strager. Others ca feel overwhelmed by joy ad emotio. Some may fid it awkward ad ot kow what to say or do. You may fid yourself takig them all i ad listeig to their 17

19 voice rather tha hearig the words. For some, the time goes very fast, for others as is if i slow motio. It is up to you ad your atural/birth relative to decide where the first meetig will take place. It is a good idea to choose a veue that is eutral to you both ad to decide i advace the legth of the first meetig. May prefer the privacy of the mediatio agecy ad for the social worker to make a discreet itroductio ad the leave you aloe. Others chose to meet aloe somewhere like i a hotel. It is a good idea ot to make too may plas ad to go away ad thik about all that has happeed before decidig o the ext step. 23. How do reuios work out? May people have woderful ad positive experieces of reuio with atural/birth parets ad go o to develop lastig relatioships. Others have more challegig experieces ad the cotact ca be more limited. Some people may have a lot of cotact iitially the oe perso decides to pull back, which ca feel like rejectio for the other perso. It is a delicate balace, ad a lot depeds o whether you both have similar expectatios ad are prepared to be flexible ad uderstadig of the other perso s viewpoit. It helps to have leart about what reuio is like for atural/birth mothers before you meet through readig about their experieces ad attedig support groups. After the reuio, a lot of mixed emotios may come up. Some people may feel a great sese of loss as the reality of meetig their atural/birth mother faces them with the fact they caot get back the missig years. Family ad frieds may have difficulty i uderstadig where these feeligs are comig from. They may also feel left out aroud the time of the reuio ad eed to seek support for themselves. 18

20 MOTHERS?? QUESTIONS FOR NATURAL /BIRTH

21 24. Is there someoe I ca talk to before I register as I have some cocers? Yes there is ad you probably have some questios ad cocers about what it may mea for you to register. You may be worried about cofidetiality or you may ot be able to remember certai details of the evet. It may eve take you some time to fill i the form itself as there are may emotios that ca arise. These are the sort of thigs that other atural/birth mothers worry about too, so it is importat to try to get to talk to someoe with experiece i this area. The orgaisatios listed at the back of this booklet are there to help ad support you. 25. My husbad ad family do t kow I placed a baby for adoptio. Will they fid out if I register? Your registratio is betwee you ad the Adoptio Authority oly ad they will ot be iformig your family. It is possible to give the address of a fried, relative or other perso (such as a atural/birth mother support group) rather tha your ow address ad to give a mobile rather tha home phoe umber. However, you eed to thik about keepig the truth from your family i the future. What if there is a match ad you are goig to meet your so ad daughter? Do you thik you could do this without tellig them? If that is your wish, every assistace will be give to esure your privacy. Agai, meetig other wome who have coped with this ca give you stregth ad the ecessary courage ad support. 20

22 Whe they told me there was a match, I was so relieved. I used to worry that he had died or that his adoptio had t worked out well. Ad to kow that he wated to meet me too, well, I was overjoyed! He was about to go off o a year out to Australia ad wated the reuio to happe straight away. So, after a few weeks of writig ad textig, we met up. Ad it was woderful for both of us. Teresa (atural/birth mother)

23 26. Are there ay other ways of fidig my so/daughter if ot o the Register? Yes. You ca cotact a accredited adoptio agecy / service ad talk to a social worker about the possibility of them tracig your so or daughter for you. You should cotact the Adoptio Authority for advice if ay difficulties arise for you i goig back to the origial adoptio agecy. 27. If I do t wat cotact, why would I fill i a form to go o a cotact Register? The whole poit of the Natioal Adoptio Cotact Preferece Register is to give people the opportuity to express their preferece for cotact/o cotact. Eve if you do ot wat cotact at this time, you might also cosider goig o the Register so that you ca offer medical, family ad other importat iformatio via the itermediary to your so/daughter. Some adopted people ad their childre experiece difficulties due to ot havig a medical history. This ca be doe with the utmost privacy. You may choose to write a letter to your so/daughter with your mediator s help, so you ca explai your situatio i your ow words. 28. I m a atural/birth mother. What happes if aother atural/birth relative registers ad I do t? Before puttig aother atural/birth relative ad your so/daughter i ay kid of cotact, the Adoptio Authority will iform you about this registratio ad you will have the opportuity to discuss this. Some mothers may be happy for the cotact to go ahead but just ot wat to get ivolved themselves at the momet for a variety of reasos. Others may have cocers about the cotact which they will have the opportuity to talk over with a social worker. 22

24 It is importat to remember that the NACPR provides a opportuity for a rage of atural/birth relatives to be put i cotact with a adopted relative, accordig to the wishes of both. 29. How does it feel to lear a so/daughter wats cotact? A whole mixture of feeligs ca emerge alog the way delight, excitemet, relief ad axiety are just a few. This is really where talkig to others who have bee through this experiece themselves ca help both other atural/birth mothers ad adopted people. Your family ad frieds may be very excited for you ad wat everythig to go well for you. However, they may ot be able to uderstad all the emotios that are comig up for you. You may also fid you are thikig about your so or daughter most of the time ad seem to talk about othig else, ad others ca sometimes feel left out ad may eed support for themselves. 30. If my so/daughter has ot registered how will I kow if somethig has happeed to them or if they have died? May atural/birth parets worry about this over the years what if somethig awful has happeed to them, will I be told? The agecy or Adoptio Authority would ot usually be aware of how a adopted perso s life has fared sice, uless the perso or the adoptive family tell them. If you have cocers you should ask a adoptio agecy to make equiries for you. 23

25 I kew there was t a lot of hope. The adoptio was t a regular oe ad I thik she does t kow she s adopted at all. So she would t be puttig her ame o the Register. I hope that someday she ll fid out ad we ca be put i cotact. But at least there s the chace that she ll discover i the future that I always loved her ad have bee lookig to meet her agai for a very log time. Jea (atural/birth mother)

26 31. I associate such sadess with the adoptio agecy because of my loss ad would fid it hard to go back there. Ca I go aywhere else? Yes, you ca discuss this with the Adoptio Authority who will fid you a alterative agecy as they do uderstad how hard this ca be. However, adoptio agecies have a lot of experiece i helpig atural/birth parets who wish to search. You have the right to expect a professioal ad uderstadig service. If you have a difficulty with the service offered by ay agecy you should brig this to the attetio of the Adoptio Authority. 32. How ca I best prepare for cotact? You may eed time to go over the difficult experieces surroudig the time of partig from your child with a cousellor, social worker or itermediary. May wome have blocked out a lot ad may eed further help. Feeligs ca arise about the atural/birth mother s ow parets, family members or the atural/birth father that ca rage from ager, sadess ad grief to guilt ad shame. You may wat to obtai iformatio from the adoptio agecy of the evets at the time as you might have very little factual iformatio. It might also be helpful to obtai a copy of your child s birth certificate, which you ca get from the Geeral Registers Office ( LoCall: ). You may eed to look at how to tell importat people i your life about your so or daughter before you go ay further. 25

27 33. How does it feel to meet? Meetig ca be a overwhelmig ad emotioal experiece for may wome. The memory you hold of your so or daughter may be as a tiy baby. It is ofte very hard to believe that the adult who greets you is the same perso. Sometimes the perso ca look very like their father, which might be welcome or brig up paiful memories. Some atural/birth mothers have expressed surprise to fid they have a lot i commo with their so or daughter, while others foud it difficult to relate to each other as they are so differet. It takes time to build up a relatioship ad it is importat to keep expectatios realistic. 34. What happes after reuio? As metioed above, may reuited people go o to ejoy happy ad lastig relatioships. However, occasioally the first meetig is the oly meetig as oe or other perso decides they do ot wat to go ay further. That is why it is so importat to have built some foudatio before you meet, via letter or . Some atural/birth mothers experiece itese feeligs of loss after reuio as they become acutely aware that the missig years ca ever be regaied. Whether or ot the adoptive family or the atural/birth mother s familiy are aware of the reuio ca make a big differece as to how thigs move alog after that. It is ofte easier to develop a relatioship whe there are o secrets. 26

28 QUESTIONS FOR OTHER NATURAL/BIRTH MEMBERS?? FAMILY

29 35. I thik my mother had a baby adopted before she married my father but I m reluctat to ask her. Ca I register ayway? Yes, you ca register. You could put as much iformatio as you have o the form, for example, your mother s maide ame ad approximate year of birth of the child. The Authority may be able to make a coectio if a adopted adult has already registered givig similar iformatio. However, it would be better to try to talk to your mother about this first if you ca as she will be iformed of your registratio should a match occur. 36. My girlfried had a baby whe we were both 18. I heard the baby was adopted. How ca I fid out? Natural/birth fathers are very welcome to register ad may have doe so. It ca be a little more complex as father s ames were ot always recorded o adoptio files. The Adoptio Authority ad the itermediary will do as much as possible to help ad support you. You may ot have told your parter ad family about your adopted so/daughter ad this ca be stressful ad worryig. A support group for atural/birth parets or idividual cousellig ca be helpful. 28

30 37. My sister died last year ad I kow she had a so who was adopted so I am his aut. I have lots of photos ad iformatio that I could give him if he wats. What should I do? As a close relative of the atural/birth mother you ca register. Obviously it will come as a shock to your ephew, if he registers, to lear that his mother has passed away. I may cases like this the adopted perso is still very ope to cotact ad lastig relatioships are ofte formed with the other members of the atural/birth family. 38. Our daughter placed a child for adoptio 21 years ago ad she plas to go o the Register. Should we also go o it as we would love to meet our grad-daughter ad we are gettig o i years? Birth relatives ca register ad may adopted people are delighted to lear that their gradparets have doe so. If your daughter is matched with your grad-daughter o the register, your grad-daughter may ot feel ready to meet too may people at oce. You may eed to wait util they have had a chace to get to kow each other first. 29

31 I ever thought I had much chace of fidig out about her. Did t thik I had the right, really. It s usually mothers who have reuios. So whe I foud out that she was ope to cotact from me, I was up to high doh ad very axious. But it s worked out well. Ad I m pleased too that I have a good friedly relatioship with her adoptive father. We go for a pit from time to time. Joh (atural/birth father)

32 FAMILIES?? QUESTIONS FOR ADOPTIVE

33 39. Our daughter is oly 15 ad too youg to go o the Register but wats to kow about her backgroud. What ca we do? Adoptive parets or other adoptive family members caot put their ames o the register or do so o their so/daughter s behalf. However, they ca iform the Adoptio Authority or their agecy if they have importat iformatio about them, for example regardig health or other persoal issues. Adoptive parets are always welcome to cotact the origial adoptio agecy to seek backgroud iformatio o a youg perso uder 18, or your so/daughter should be supported i doig so themselves if they feel they wish to do so. 40. My 18-year-old so wats to register. Is he too youg? Oce a adopted perso reaches 18, they ca opt to register. Cousellig ad support are particularly importat for a youg adopted perso who decides to register. 41. Ca I fid out if my so/daughter has registered? A perso s applicatio to register is cofidetial. If you have ay particular cocers (perhaps if your so/daughter is particularly vulerable i some way, for example has addictio or metal health issues), you ca cotact the Authority who may pass these o to the relevat agecy if a match is made. 32

34 We have a couple of applicatio forms ready to be filled i wheever she is ready to do it. We wo t put ay pressure o her. She kows she has our support whatever she decides. Darre (adoptive father) Whe our youger so became a father three years ago, he bega to thik about his ow first mother s hard choice 27 years ago. He decided to sed i the form to go o the Cotact Register. It must have bee telepathy, as she had recetly set i a form too ad the match was made. They were i touch by phoe ad for a good while before they met. It has goe well they took it slowly ad carefully. It is eough at the momet for them to get to kow each other without itroducig ayoe else. Marie (adoptive mother)

35 42. I wat to support my so/daughter as best I ca with the registratio. How ca I do this? It is really good that your so/daughter has told you they are thikig of registerig, as your support is really importat. They may seek your advice from the start so eve if you have reservatios it would be best to discuss these with a third party. You should allow your so/daughter to determie the level of your ivolvemet i the registratio ad reuio process as it is very much their jourey. 43. How ca a itermediary help us? Adoptive parets are very welcome to discuss questios ad cocers with the itermediary with the permissio of a adult so/ daughter. A itermediary will offer your so/daughter someoe else to cofide i ad explore their feeligs ad cocers. 44. How do adoptive parets feel whe their so or daughter wats to fid atural/birth parets? Some parets have always ecouraged their so/daughter to search. Maybe you met their atural/birth mother or father at the time ad have your ow memories of this experiece. It is still uderstadable to feel protective of them, however, o matter what age they are! May adoptive parets were told little about the atural/birth parets. Some parets ca feel threateed ad fear losig their so/daughter back to the atural/birth family. It is importat to remember that the desire for iformatio ad cotact with atural/birth family is a etirely ormal feelig experieced by may adopted people but that they may also feel disloyal ad eve guilty. 34

36 45. How do we stad as gradparets of our adopted so/daughter s childre if our so/daughter fids their atural/birth parets? People will have ew members added to their family i differet ways throughout their lives. There is o chage i your positio as gradparets. Families, whether adoptio is ivolved or ot, chage all the time ad as thigs chage, families adapt. We kow from childre whose parets have separated ad meet ew parters that they ca grow up happily kowig several sets of gradparets. What is more importat is that everyoe kows what is happeig, feels loved by all family members ad there is as little secrecy as possible. 46. Will I get the chace to meet my so/ daughter s atural/birth mother? Sometimes the relatioship moves o to iclude wider family such as parters, childre ad parets. Whe this happes it ca ofte feel like the adoptio has moved full circle ad ca be very satisfyig. May adoptive parets ad atural/birth parets would like to meet each other after the reuio but this decisio really rests with the adopted perso ad their atural/birth mother. Some adopted people prefer to keep their two families separate. 35

37 47. Do adopted people remai close to their adoptive parets after they meet their atural/birth parets? People meet ew frieds all the time ad may gai ew family members through marriage. This does ot mea that the existig people i their lives are pushed away. At first your so/daughter may be very preoccupied with the ewly foud atural/birth relative. Adopted people very ofte experiece itese emotios ad it ca take some time to figure where everythig ad everyoe slots i. It is ot always easy for the adopted perso ad they ca feel pulled i differet directios, watig to get to kow the ew family ad yet ot watig to be disloyal to the adoptive family. Your calm support ad ecouragemet is vital. 48. Is there somewhere I ca go to discuss my cocers ad worries? A list of support services is available at the back of this booklet. A helplie is ofte useful if you do ot wish to idetify yourself ad there are several available. 36

38 RESOURCES FOR INFORMATION AND SUPPORT ADOPTION AUTHORITY OF IRELAND Shelboure House, Shelboure Road Dubli 4 Mai Switchboard: Tel: (01) Iformatio & Tracig Uit: Duty Social Worker: Tel: (01) [email protected] Web: BARNARDOS Post Adoptio Service, Hyde Square 654 South Circular Road, Dubli 8 Tel: (01) Fax: (01) Helplie: (01) (Tues & Thurs 10am to 1pm) [email protected] Web: Professioal, idepedet service offerig cousellig ad group support to birth/atural families, adopted people ad adoptive families. Barardos offers a mediatio service to people liked through the NACPR. ADOPTION LOSS / NATURAL PARENTS NETWORK OF IRELAND Secretary, NPNI, P.O. Box 6714, Dubli 4 Helplie: (01) [email protected] Web: Helplie staffed by voluteers who share the experiece of losig a child to adoptio. Iformatio about support meetigs. Discussio list o Yahoo groups. Iformatio ad advice about Search ad Reuio services. Proposals o legislative reform o adoptio. ADOPTION RIGHTS ALLIANCE Mill House, Millview Road, Malahide, Co. Dubli Tel: (01) / [email protected] Web: Provides iformatio ad advice to those affected by adoptio, as well as to professioals, ad also advice ad advocacy to those who experiece difficulties. ADOPTION SUPPORT NETWORK OF IRELAND (ASNI) c/o 39 Boure View, Ashboure, Co. Meath [email protected] Web: ASNI provides a peer support etwork for adopted people. Membership also icludes adoptive ad atural families. ADOPTIVE PARENTS ASSOCIATION OF IRELAND Roudwood, Bray, Co. Wicklow Tel: (0404) [email protected] Offers cofidetial support ad advice to adoptive families ad others. NATURAL PARENTS SUPPORT GROUP Tel: This Cork-based group meets mothly offerig support to birthmothers of adopted childre.please or phoe for iformatio about meetigs or to talk with someoe. You are ot aloe - we ever forget [email protected] 37

39 KNOW MY OWN Brú Columbaus, Cardial Way, Wilto, Cork. Cork based group offerig support to adopted people, atural ad adoptive families ad ayoe affected by adoptio. Meetigs are held o the first Moday of every moth (secod Moday if Bak Holiday). ADOPT (NORTHERN IRELAND) Adopt Ltd., 7 Uiversity Street, Belfast BT7 1FY Tel: [email protected] Web: Idepedet Norther Irelad charity offerig support for adults from the adoptio ad looked after populatio. ENGLAND, WALES Provides comprehesive iformatio o all post-adoptio services ad the curret whereabouts of adoptio records i the U.K. SCOTTISH ADOPTION ADVICE SERVICE (BARNARDOS) Suite 5/3, Skypark SP5, 45 Fiiesto Street, Glasgow, G3 8JU Tel: [email protected] Web: Post Adoptio Service offerig cofidetial advice, support ad cousellig to all affected by adoptio. Staffed by experieced social workers. AGENCIES/ADOPTION SOCIETIES HOLDING RECORDS CUNAMH (formerly The Catholic Protectio ad Rescue Society of Irelad) 30 South Ae Street, Dubli 2 Tel: (01) [email protected] Web: Here2Help (formerly PACT/ Protestat Adoptio Society) Arabella House, 18D Nutgrove Office Park, Rathfarham, Dubli 14 Tel: (01) Fax: (01) [email protected] Web: NATIONAL MATERNITY HOSPITAL Holles Street, Dubli 2 Tel: (01) Not a accredited adoptio agecy. Cotact Adoptio Authority about records. RGAS (Rotuda Girls Aid Society) Closed. Records with Iformatio ad Tracig Sectio, HSE Dubli North East (see below) ST. BRIGID S ADOPTION SOCIETY Holy Faith Covet, The Coombe, Dubli 8 Tel: (01) / (01) [email protected] Not a accredited adoptio agecy. Cotact Adoptio Authority about records. 38

40 ST. LOUISE S ADOPTION SOCIETY Records with Iformatio ad Tracig Sectio, HSE Dubli North East (see below) ST. PATRICK S GUILD 203 Merrio Road, Dubli 4 Tel: (01) [email protected] SACRED HEART ADOPTION SOCIETY Closed. Records ow with: Regioal Adoptio Service, Pairc a Gcra, St Stephes Hospital, Sarsfield Court, Glamire, Cork. Tel: ST. ATTRACTA S ADOPTION SOCIETY St. Mary s, Sligo, Co. Sligo Tel: (071) [email protected] ST. CATHERINE S ADOPTION SOCIETY Clarecare, Harmoy Row, Eis, Co. Clare Tel: (065) [email protected] Web: ST. MURA S ADOPTION SOCIETY Pastoral Cetre, Moastery Aveue, Letterkey, Co. Doegal Tel: (074) [email protected] HEALTH SERVICE EXECUTIVE INFORMATION AND TRACING SERVICES HSE DUBLIN (NORTH EAST) Uit 4/5, Nexus Buildig, Block 6a, Blachardstow Corporate Park, Dubli 15 Tel: (01) / HSE NORTH EAST Regioal Adoptio Service, Child & Family Cetre, St. Mary s Hospital, Dubli Road, Drogheda, Co. Louth Tel: (041) HSE MID LEINSTER Adoptio Departmet, Derry Suite, Castle Buildigs, Tara Street, Tullamore Co Offaly Tel: (057) Fax: (057) Adoptio Departmet, Tivoli House, Dubli Road, Logford Tel: (043) HSE SOUTH Adoptio Service, 2 St. Adrew s Terrace, Newtow, Waterford Tel: (051) Regioal Adoptio Service, Pairc a gcra, St. Stephe s Hospital, Sarsfield Court, Glamire, Co. Cork Tel: (021) Adoptio Departmet, Kerry Commuity Services, Rathass, Tralee, Co. Kerry Tel: (066)

41 HSE WEST Cla, Wester Area Regioal Adoptio Committee, Merli Park, Galway Tel: (091) Fax: (091) Adoptio Services Departmet, St. Mary s Headquarters, Castlebar, Co. Mayo Tel: (091) Regioal Adoptio Service, Custom House, 2 The Quays, Sligo Tel: (071) Adoptio Departmet, Parkbeg House, 2 Elm Drive, Caherdavi, Co. Limerick Tel: (061) See for further details o adoptio iformatio ad tracig services ad a list of former agecy records each oe holds.

42 ADOPTION AUTHORITY OF IRELAND Shelboure House, Shelboure Road, Dubli 4 Mai Switchboard: Tel : (01) Iformatio & Tracig Uit : Duty Social Worker: Tel : (01) [email protected] Web: Barardos Post Adoptio Service, Hyde Square, 654 South Circular Road, Dubli 8 Tel: (01) Fax: (01) Helplie: (01) (Tues & Thurs 10am to 1pm) [email protected] Web: Fuded by the Natioal Lottery