A teen guide to divorce. About this book 1

Transcription

1 A teen gude to dvorce About ths book 1

2 In t r o d u c t o n No matter how old you are, dvorce affects everyone n a famly even teenagers. No matter how old you are, dvorce affects everyone n a famly even teenagers. For some teens, ther parents dvorce can come as a bt of a relef. Maybe they ve been fghtng for years, and maybe one parent has even been physcally abusve. You ve known for a long tme that ther marrage was n trouble and the separaton brngs a sense of calm. But for many other teens, the dvorce comes as a total shock. Thngs seemed fne, lke they always were. Maybe your parents were just good at keepng the problems n ther marrage from the kds. Or maybe one of your parents had an affar, or s gong through a mdlfe crss, and so the dvorce comes as a surprse to the other parent too. Ether way, snce teenagers are older and more mature than young chldren, they have a better understandng of the mplcatons of dvorce. Teens also feel the need to shoulder a lot of responsblty, thnkng that maybe they had a hand n ther parents unhappness, or can do somethng to fx t. Most of all, they know that dvorce wll brng bg changes to the famly and wonder: How wll t affect me? Hopefully, your parents wll gve you some nput nto ssues lke where you ll lve and how often you ll see both parents. But the truth s a lot of ths s out of your control. Dvorce s somethng that happens to your parents, not to you. Sure, you re affected by t t can change your whole lfe. But your parents dvorce s ultmately about them, not you. You re not the reason they re splttng up, and there s lttle you can do to change the stuaton. But as much as you can t control the end of your parents marrage, there s a lot you can control about how you and your parents handle the changes that are happenng to your famly. About ths book 2

3 We re Gettng a Dvorce THE FACTS ABOUT DIVORCE How common s dvorce? Marrages are not lastng as long as they dd n the past. In 1979, almost 80 per cent of marred women celebrated ther 15th weddng annversary. By 2004, that had dropped to 57 per cent. Is the dvorce rate gong up? The dvorce rate s actually gong down. In 1990, the dvorce rate was 4.9. (About fve out of every 1,000 people n the U.S. got a dvorce.) By 2004 the dvorce rate was 3.8. (About four people out of every 1,000.) North Carolna s dvorce rate has been droppng too, from 5.1 n 1990 to 4.2 n 2004, whch was about average for the entre Unted States. Average length of a marrage that ends n dvorce: 8 years To parents, dvorce sgnals the end of a troubled marrage. The relatonshp s often over by the tme they separate. They stll have to stay n touch to dscuss mportant decsons about you, but they re free to date other people, get remarred, and even have chldren wth a new partner. But for chldren, dvorce s never over, and hearng that your parents are separatng s just the begnnng of a long journey. Your relatonshp wth your parents never ends. They wll always be your parents even as they grow farther apart and ther lves take dfferent paths. Psychologsts used to thnk that kds got over dvorce pretty quckly. But now most experts beleve that only thng more devastatng than dvorce for a chld s the death of a parent. For kds, dvorce s a long process and adjustng to t can take tme. That s because the dvorce s probably the bggest change you ve ever had to deal wth n your lfe. Everythng seemed totally normal, and now t s all fallng apart. Your parents are splttng up. Maybe you have to leave your famly home, your school, your frends. Wll you lve wth your mom or your dad? What about your brothers or ssters? It can be dffcult to fnd a sense of peace and calm when your famly lfe s constantly evolvng. It s not stable lke t was when t was just you, your parents and maybe brothers and ssters. There are some common changes that most kds have to deal wth when ther parents get dvorced: Number of dvorces n North Carolna n 2007: More than 37,000 CONTINUE a About ths book 3

4 A teen gude to dvorce We re Gettng a Dvorce Cu s t o d y Number of kds lvng wth sngle, separated or dvorced parents n 2007: Nearly 20 mllon. That s nearly 30 per cent of all chldren lvng n the Unted States. More than 3.5 mllon of those were teenagers between the ages of 12 and 17. Of those, more than 7 mllon kds were lvng wth dvorced parents. The rest had parents that were separated, or had never been marred at all. Remarrage: About half of parents who get dvorced wll remarry, although more men remarry than women. Average amount of tme between dvorce and remarrage: 2.5 years. Source : US Census Bureau, Famly and Lvng Arrangements 2007 Custody s one of bggest ssues n dvorce. Most couples are able to work ths out themselves wthout havng to go to court. Even when your parents don t fght over custody, t can be hard for you to accept the arrangement. You mght feel rejected f, for example, your dad decdes you ll lve full-tme wth your mom and see hm on weekends. Usually, your parents are just lookng out for your best nterests. It s not that your dad doesn t want you to lve wth hm. It could be that maybe your mom s stayng n the famly home and your dad knows t would be better for you to stay there too. Sometmes parents can t agree on custody and then they wll have to go to court. As older chldren, you wll usually get to have a say about whch parent you want to lve wth. Ths can be a really stressful stuaton for teens, who feel lke they re caught n the mddle and forced to choose between two parents. A judge wll take your wshes nto consderaton when decdng on custody. But ultmately, the court wll try to decde what s n your best nterest even f t s not exactly what you wanted. In most cases, chldren end up lvng wth ther mother and seeng ther father for regular vsts, lke on weekends or durng the summer. Ths can be a challenge to keep n touch wth your dad f you re suddenly not seeng hm every day lke you used to. It mght mean you have to change around your schedule a lot. For nstance, maybe you re used to hangng out wth your frends on weekends and now you have to go out of town to see your dad. F n a nc e s Maybe you have a part-tme job and have some of your own spendng money, but chances are you re stll dependent on your parents for a lot, and so ther money ssues become your money ssues. About ths book 4

5 A teen gude to dvorce We re Gettng a Dvorce Dvorce can be expensve. Parents have to hre lawyers, dvde property, bank accounts, credt cards. Often one parent has to pay chld support to the other to help cover your expenses. Maybe your parents have to sell the famly home and both move to some place smaller to save money, or one of them moves n wth your grandparents. Maybe your mom had prevously stayed home to rase you and now has to go back to school or get another job to make ends meet. Ths can usually mean more responsblty for you, lke cookng dnner, cleanng the house, or lookng after younger brothers and ssters. For many teens dvorce means you have to grow up faster than you mght lke. Datng and Remarrage Your parents are probably gong to start datng agan at some pont. Seeng your parents datng can be a shock because t ends your hope that maybe they can get back together. It can be werd for teens to see ther parents back on the datng scene, because t s the tme n your lfe when you re probably startng to thnk about relatonshps. It s strange to know you re gong out on a date the same nght as your mom. But t s healthy for her to be able to get away from the pan and gref of dvorce and start searchng for a new partner to share her lfe. Maybe one of your parents has already found a new partner and that s the reason for the dvorce. That can be a really awkward stuaton because you mght feel ths new partner s to blame for the end of your parents marrage. But the reasons for the dvorce are between your parents, and chances are that you don t know all the detals. You don t have to treat ths new partner lke a new mom or new dad. They won t ever replace your parents. But be open to ths new person n your lfe. You may lke them more than you thought you could. About ths book 5

6 Aaron s Story (15 Years Old) When my mom and dad dvorced, I don t remember them ever dscussng ths wth me, but they mght have. All I remember s one day I saw a bunch of boxes around our house. My mom s stuff and my stuff wasn t n the house, I assumed t was n the boxes. I lve wth my mom and go to my dad s on Frday s and come back ether Sunday or Saturday, usually Saturday. Up untl about two years ago, I was OK wth the agreements. That all changed wth, you know, the Becomng a teenager and that knd of stuff parents say. I started feelng lke I never got enough tme wth my dad. Because I never really spent tme wth my dad, the relatonshp s knd of awkward and odd. He treats me lke I m a nne-year-old who s gong to get lost f he wanders lke ten feet away or s lke 20 feet n front of hm on a bke tral. And I m ffteen and have my permt. It s tme for hm to stop dong that. I don t know, but t s real annoyng. My basketball games are a dfferent scenaro. Sometmes he comes, sometmes he doesn t. Usually, he doesn t, because of work, or t s too cy, or whatnot. In the past I would get really upset when he ddn t come. But that stopped last year at the begnnng of my eghth-grade year. I was done cryng over hm not comng. Now, I don t really even tell hm that I have a game. One, because I don t want to hear hs bull---t apology. Two, t just for some reason gets my hopes up hgher. A year and a half ago, my stepmom started havng problems wth alcoholsm. He dvorced her. I was happy, but yet upset. I was happy because I never lked her. It s not that she was lke the evl stepmother lke n Cnderella. She was nce, but I ddn t lke her. Now my dad and hs grlfrend, Brenda, have been lvng together. I lke Brenda lke a lot. She s really nce. But f they were to ever get marred, I couldn t go. Not because of lke: You re too young to go or somethng. I mean lke I couldn t brng myself to go. About ths book 6

7 A teen gude to dvorce Aaron s Story TIDBITS Famous people whose parents dvorced when they were teenagers: * * * * * * * * Rhanna 14 Ashton Kutcher 14 Stephen Spelberg - 16 Johnny Depp 15 Ncolas Cage 12 Hlary Swank 15 Denzel Washngton 14 Rachel Wesz - 15 After gong to [my dad s frst remarrage] and after years of thought, I decded that f he were to get marred agan that I wouldn t go. I couldn t go through wth t agan, no matter what. Even f he begged. I know that beng marred only twce s a small number compared to some kds parents each beng marred lke fve tmes, but they stll hurt the same. I don t know why t would be so hard. It just s. Not to sound lke a seven-year-old, though. It s because I ve seen t once and had my hopes up, but I don t want that to happen agan: Get my hopes up hgh and have them fall twce as low as before. I don t talk to my dad about problems or anythng. Actually, I don t really talk to my mom about them ether unless t just blurts out n front of my mom. What I do s sometmes talk to professonal counsellors n one-on-one chat rooms, because t s anonymous. Sometmes I talk to my younger cousn, who s very understandng. Occasonally, my older cousn, and besdes that, my frends. Common Reactons to Dvorce Everyone has ther own reacton to dvorce. Some teens try to spend as lttle tme at home as possble, preferrng to spend all ther tme wth ther frends. Others want to stay closer to home. Some fnd they can t concentrate at school and stop dong homework, whle others throw themselves nto ther studes. Some get angry and lash out. Others try to pretend lke the dvorce s no bg deal. The truth s dvorce s a bg deal, and all of those reactons are normal. There are unhealthy reactons to dvorce, lke gettng nto drugs or alcohol, runnng away from home, havng sex when you re not ready. But beng angry and confused are natural reactons to dvorce. As a teenager, you re at a stage of your lfe when you re tryng to test boundares, assert your ndependence, and fgure out where you ft nto the world. So worryng about how the dvorce affects you sn t selfsh behavour, t s actually pretty common. About ths book 7

8 A teen gude to dvorce Common Reactons to Dvorce There are some other common reactons. They mght not all apply to you, but they re good to thnk about: Be t r aya l For many teens, home was always a safe and comfortable place. No matter what other turmol s gong on n your lfe pressure at school, fghts wth your frends your famly was always your rock. Now home s where your bggest problems are and your parents are all wrapped up n ther own emotonal turmol. You mght even have to leave the home you ve known all your lfe. Ths can shake the foundaton under your feet and leave you feelng betrayed by your parents. Often marrages break up because one parent has cheated on the other. That can feel lke a betrayal too. But t s mportant to understand that your parents stll love you and that they re not dong ths to hurt you. Even f your mom cheated on your dad, ths s somethng between your parents. She ddn t cheat on you, she s stll your mom and she stll loves you. Gu lt Whle most teens know that they aren t the reason ther parents broke up, they can t help but feel that they were somehow at fault - especally f your parents sometmes fought over you. It bears repeatng: The dvorce s not your fault. Nothng you could have done would have changed what happened to your parents relatonshp. There s probably lttle you can do to fx ther broken marrage. A couple who has a strong relatonshp can weather any of the challenges ther kds throw at them. If they had a good marrage, they probably wouldn t be dsagreeng about you n the frst place. About ths book 8

9 A teen gude to dvorce Common Reactons to Dvorce Dvded loyaltes Many teens feel lke they are forced to choose between ther parents. Ths can happen when parents are fghtng over custody. But t can also happen f your parents get remarred. And chances are at least one of them wll. It can make you feel bad for your mom to know that your dad s datng agan. Even as you grow up, you may feel lke you constantly have to choose between your parents, or play medator at specal events at holdays, graduaton, weddngs. If your parents can t be n the same room together wthout fghtng, you mght not even bother nvtng them to see your band concert, or basketball game because you ll be too worred about how they ll act when they get there. Confused about relatonshps Adolescence s a tme when you re startng to look for ndependence, test boundares, fnd out a bt more about who you are. You re startng to thnk about romantc relatonshps. It s probably a tme when you look to your parents as role models for how a relatonshp should be. That can be tough when ther marrage s breakng down and they re probably the least attentve to your needs because they re all wrapped up n ther own emotons. It s easy to look at your parents problems and queston your own ablty to be n a commtted relatonshp. But your parents marrage s thers and thers alone. You make your own choces n lfe and you have plenty of tme to make them. Just because your parents marrage faled doesn t mean you ll fal at relatonshps. Many chldren of dvorce say ther parents problems made them work harder on ther own romantc relatonshps. At your age, you have lots of tme to try on dfferent relatonshps and see f they ft. If one doesn t work out, t doesn t mean you re destned to fal at love. About ths book 9

10 Mstakes Your Parents Make When you were younger, your parents probably seemed all-powerful. They controlled everythng n your lfe: From what you ate, to your clothes, to what tme you went to bed. Now that you re a bt older and have a bt more ndependence, you ve probably fgured out that your parents are only human. And humans sometmes make mstakes. Parents gong through the turmol of dvorce don t always recognze that they re hurtng ther chldren. They often thnk that teenagers are so tuned out they thnk you don t notce, or don t care, about what s gong on n ther marrage. Sometmes parents wll do thngs that are completely uncool wth ther kds because they re gong through bascally a gref process, sad Jennfer Coleman, Lfe Transton Coach wth Rosen Law Frm. They re sufferng a relatonshp loss. They re not always thnkng clearly. I don t thnk any parent for the most part would ever do anythng wllngly to hurt ther kds, but sometmes when they re caught up n ther own pan, they relate to them n ways that can be damagng. Here are some mstakes that parents often make: Badmouth the other parent Unfortunately, one of the most common ways for parents to get back at each other after a dvorce s to do t through ther kds. Ths can be your mom remndng you every chance she gets that your dad cheated on her. Or maybe your dad complans about how much chld support he pays your mom. That s not far and t s hurtful for you snce you love both your parents. It can ht at a deeper level too - maybe you see some of your dad n yourself and when your mom ponts out negatve thngs about your dad, t can feel lke she s rejectng you too. Your parents mght be nsecure about how much you love them and want to try to gan your loyalty by turnng you aganst the other parent. But ther behavour can leave you strugglng wth your loyaltes even more. About ths book 10

11 A teen gude to dvorce Mstakes Your Parents Make Use y o u a s a mes senger a n d a spy Your parents marrage may be over, but ther relatonshp sn t totally fnshed the mnute they fle for dvorce. Usually there are stll some unfnshed feelngs. Maybe one parent ddn t even want to get dvorced and stll wants to get back together. Chances are, they re stll curous about the other parent and want to keep tabs on them. And they ll often use ther kds to send those messages. Ths can mean your dad askng you questons about who your mom has been datng. Or your mom sayng: Tell your father he s late wth the chld support payment. These are conversatons they need to have wth each other. But they mght not want to confront the other person drectly, so they try to go through you. It s knd of lke how you mght be tempted to read your ex-boyfrend s e-mal, or ask hs frends who he s been hangng out wth. You want to fnd out what s gong on wth them, but you don t want to ask them yourself, so you do t through other people. But as the chld, you don t want to be n the mddle of your parents problems, and you mght feel lke you re betrayng your mom f you spll the beans on her to your dad. Ths s a no-wn stuaton for you. Br b e r y Another way that parents try to wn ther kds loyalty s by buyng expensve gfts or tryng to be your best frend. For nstance, maybe your dad knows you have a curfew at your mom s, so he lets you stay out as late as you want. Sometme experts call these parents born-agan parents or Dsney Dads because thnk they need to buy your love. Usually, they re nsecure, and thnk f they try to set rules and act lke a strct parent, you ll reject them. About ths book 11

12 A teen gude to dvorce Mstakes Your Parents Make There s a problem where the parents are afrad to parent, sad Deborah Moskovch, author of The Smart Dvorce and a dvorced mom of three teens. They re afrad f they re the custodal parent, my chld mght not want to lve wth me. Or f they re the noncustodal parent they thnk my chld my mght not want to vst. They re afrad to set rules and gudelnes. The thng s that t s temptng to play nto ther nsecurtes because you get stuff out of t. You know your parents are just tryng to buy your love, but you really wanted that Xbox 360. It s easy to manpulate your parents ths way. But s that expensve gft really worth t, f the real reason behnd t s that your dad wanted to wn out over your mom? It mght just leave you wth more gult when you know you re manpulatng your parents, and puttng yourself n the mddle of ther games. Treat you lke a confdante On the other hand, parents can sometmes confde n you too much about how much the other parent hurt them, or how hard ther lfe s now after the dvorce. They re probably feelng sad and lonely need a shoulder to cry on. You re the closest person n ther lfe. Beng a teenager, they thnk you re old enough to have mature adult conversatons about your parents. But no kd, no matter how old you are, wants to hear all the detals of ther parents relatonshp. These are conversatons your parents need to have wth other adults n ther lfe, or a therapst. You can be there to love and support your parents, but you can t shoulder all the responsblty of fxng ther unhappness. Don t vst or cancel vsts Sometmes one parent tres to control the other one by not respectng the vstaton schedule. Ths can be your dad not comng to pck you up for the weekend, or your mom makng plans that keep you from seeng your dad. About ths book 12

13 A teen gude to dvorce Mstakes Your Parents Make It can be really hard when your parents can t respect your schedule. It can feel lke they don t love you, or don t want to see you. Usually parents are dong ths out of ther own nsecurty. Maybe they stll have feelngs for the other parent, and t s hard to see that person every tme they come to pck you up. Maybe they want to punsh the other parent, so they do ths through ther kds. Maybe they feel lke they re not your real parent anymore because you don t lve wth them all the tme. They can feel lke you re slppng away from them and they don t know how to handle t. Vstatons can feel awkward for you, but they re also awkward for your parents and some people react to that by just avodng the stuaton. It s unfar and mmature, but parents aren t always as grown up as they should be. They don t mean to reject you, but t can stll feel lke rejecton. About ths book 13

14 Kayla s Story (14 Years Old) I ve been gong through my parents dvorce for three years. At frst I was gong to lve wth my mom, and then my dad started talkng about thngs that my mom dd that made hm unhappy and a bunch of other thngs that made me dslke my mom. So I told my mom I wanted to lve wth my dad and she went to her room and cred. Then she told me later she ddn t want me lvng wth my dad. My dad told me t would be OK f I wanted to lve wth my mom. But then he turned on me. When I told hm I ddn t care who I wanted to lve wth anymore, he told me that he had spent a bunch of money tryng to get me and that f I lved wth my mom agan, I could never lve wth hm f thngs got bad. Mom has had her share of crap too. She told me that f I lved wth dad then she would have to move out of the house and lve wth her parents because she wouldn t have enough money anymore. My Mom even told me once that she would have klled herself a long tme ago f t wasn t for me. I m not supposed to know what has gone on or has been gong on, 14 or not, I m the chld n the dvorce and I shouldn t even be n the mddle. The thng about lvng wth my dad s I d have to go to a large school. He s n a bg cty whle I m n a lttle town rght now wth my mom. Large Schools scare me now. I m comfortable here wth my Mom, most of the tme. I also have frends here, my counsellor s the best n the state, my school s dear to me, no matter how many posers, jerks, or sexseekng boys are there. I feel lke whatever person I choose, t ll make everyone thnk I m selfsh and I ll feel selfsh. It makes me feel stupd. About ths book 14

15 A teen gude to dvorce Kayla s Story Another thng s that I feel lke my Dad s fckle. He hated cats hs whole lfe. Then after the dvorce he got a cat. He had been out of love wth my mom for 10 years before he fled the dvorce and he already had someone n mnd whom he lked. She has a cat too. He acts very nce to hs grlfrend. I ve never seen hm snap at her. Of course he snaps at me for the lttlest of thngs sometmes. Sometmes I wonder f he does ths because I m actng lke my Mom or somethng. He sad he doesn t want me to become lke Mom. I m tred of tryng not to be one or the other. It stresses me out. I just get tred of tryng and f I notce that I m dong somethng lke my Mom (or my Dad) then I ll see about correctng t later f t becomes a habt. I worry myself sck wth t whenever I do thnk about t, thus I try to shove t to the back of my head and deal wth t another tme. I constantly thnk about graduatng and movng out. It may sound selfsh and I would never do t, but I ve thought about movng up north and not gvng them my phone number for a few months, just to get away. But I don t thnk I d have the heart to. About ths book 15

16 Ho w To Ta l k To Yo u r Pa r e n t s Part of beng a teenager s testng boundares and so your parents are constantly tryng to set rules to keep you from gong too far. But guess what? Parents need boundares too. Sometmes they don t know how to set ther own boundares wth ther teenagers - especally when they re gong through a dvorce. So t s up to you to tell your parents what you need from them and to be clear about what you re comfortable, and not comfortable, dong for them. Be Honest Tell your parents honestly how you re feelng about the dvorce, and how they re handlng t. Gve your parents a chance to be open and honest wth you. Your parents are hurtng too and so t s better not to start the conversaton by blamng or attackng them. Rather than sayng You dd ths... try startng a conversaton wth Ths stuaton makes me feel... You don t have to use those exact words, but talk about how you re feelng and what you re gong through, rather than tryng to put everythng back on them. As much as you re hurtng, your parents are hurtng too and t wll help them to know that you stll love and support them. It s bet ter n o t to k n o w Whle t s OK to ask questons about how the dvorce wll affect your famly, you mght be tempted to ask a bunch of questons to try to fgure out why your parents splt. You want to analyze the stuaton and go through all the reasons and make sense of them. But really, the dvorce s between your parents and t s not mportant for you to know all the detals of what went wrong. The same way that you mght want your parents to gve you a bt of space and prvacy, they need some prvacy too. Ultmately, the mportant thng sn t why they splt up, but how they re handlng the separaton and dvorce. About ths book 16

17 A teen gude to dvorce How To Talk To Your Parents Set your lmts Be clear wth your parents about what you wll and won t do for them. It s OK to set boundares and refuse to put yourself n the mddle. It can be hard to stand up to your parents. But t wll help you and them f you do. It wll also be more powerful comng drectly from you, rather than askng the other parent to speak up on your behalf. Ths means tellng them clearly that you won t relay any more messages for them, or gossp about one parent to another. If your mom has somethng to say to your dad, she should tell hm herself, she shouldn t do t through you. Explan to your parents how much t hurts you to be put n the mddle. How you love both of your parents and you don t want to choose between them, or hear negatve thngs about ether of them. It mght not stop your parents from puttng you n the mddle, but t s mportant to say how you feel and to let your parents be aware so they can realze that what they re dong s hurtng you. You mght have to repeat ths message a few tmes. Parents can be a bt lke pets sometmes: You have to tran them n how to behave. If one of your parents s constantly gong over ntmate detals of the dvorce wth you, they probably need someone to talk to. That person should be another adult - hopefully a neutral and objectve adult. If you thnk one of your parents s havng a really hard tme wth the break-up, suggest that they get help and talk to a counsellor, or an adult a famly member or frend. Tell them that you re here to love and support them, but they need more advce than you re able to gve. On t h e o t h e r h a n d Maybe your ssue s that you don t know what to talk about wth your parents at all. Ths s pretty common when you re spendng tme wth the parent you don t lve wth - for most teens that s ther dad. It can be really strange and awkward to have to vst one of your parents, especally f they lve n a new home, or wth a new partner. You mght not know what to talk about. About ths book 17

18 A teen gude to dvorce How To Talk To Your Parents You can start wth some small stuff. Just tell your dad what s been gong on n your lfe. What s been gong on at school? Are there any classes you enjoy? Or maybe you re strugglng wth one of them. Are you nvolved n any actvtes, lke sports or musc or art? Have you seen any good moves, or started playng any new vdeo games? Not every conversaton has to be deep and meanngful. Mostly your parents just want to stay connected to your lfe. But don t be afrad to talk about the deep stuff too. Even f you no longer lve wth your dad, he s stll your parent and should be there to help you answer the tough questons n your lfe. You can also ask hm the hard questons about how he s dealng wth hs new lfe, or hs new home. Remember that as werd as these conversatons can seem to you, your parents mght be more nervous than you are wonderng what you guys are gong to talk about. It s also mportant to keep some regular contact wth the parent you don t lve wth. Ths can be regular phone calls, even for just 15 mnutes, or by e-mal or webcam or text message. Thnk about t: You text or e-mal your frends dozens of tmes a day. You can probably fnd a few mnutes to text your dad, just to say h or tell hm what s new. Parents apprecate that more than you know and you ll probably feel good about t too. About ths book 18

19 Kat s Story (19 Years Old) I have a pretty unque stuaton. My parents decded to stay n the same house, so my mom was lvng n the basement and my dad kept the master bedroom upstars. I m pretty sure t was to do wth fnances. I don t remember them sttng us down and sayng: Ths s what s happenng. But t was pretty clear that they weren t together anymore because I would start meetng my mom s boyfrend. Then I met my dad s grlfrend. It was confusng. I ddn t really know what was gong on. I found t a lttle embarrassng too, because when my frends were over, I d just have to answer all these questons and t was a stuaton that I ddn t really understand. It was sad at the begnnng, but I saw the fghtng and how they weren t gettng along at all. It was really hard when they were together because they were really verbally abusve to each other. Ther communcaton totally broke down and they d just start yellng at each other and gong crazy and nothng was resolved. So I ddn t really lke them together. They re both happer apart and that s really what counts. My mom had a few dfferent boyfrends. They never measured up to my dad, obvously. My dad s grlfrend, at frst I ddn t lke her at all because she was ths new woman n my dad s lfe. But I warmed up to the dea and fgured t was better. Less fghtng. Less drama. My mom was jealous of my dad s grlfrend sometmes and then she d start gong on about how my dad ths, my dad that. She d go through hs stuff when he wasn t n the house, lke snoopng and paranod and jealous. I would get really angry and really upset and say: Please, stop t. Ths s hurtng me too. If you need to know somethng, just ask hm. I was old enough that I realzed to say that to her. About ths book 19

20 A teen gude to dvorce Kat s Story I ve always been knd of a daddy s grl and t s stll there for me now that they re not together. I ll get nto a fght wth my mom, she s drvng me nuts, she s on my ass all day. So I ll go to my dad for advce because he does know her and he tres to stay neutral. He ll talk to her about t and try to work somethng out wthout me, or tell me ths how we should do t. But my mom s a lttle bt fery about t to, so t s complcated. I wsh they would ve just been more straght-up wth us, lke clearer boundares for ther relatonshp. They probably ddn t have to lve under the same roof for so long. My dad fnally moved out last year. They ddn t have to pretend to be frendly. For someone who s 12, that s really confusng. Why put everyone through that? They hate each other, but now they re gettng along because there are clearer boundares now that my dad lves here and my mom lves there. It helped just knowng that dvorce s pretty common these days. It s not that bg of a deal, especally when they were both so mserable. It s not that bad of a thng for them to not be together. To know that they actually do love you and t s to do wth ther relatonshp and not all of your relatonshp. To know that they separately love you, whether they re together or apart. They both have ther place: you go to your dad for ths, you go to your mom for that. You re stll a famly. Wh e r e To Go Fo r Help If you re really not comfortable talkng to your parents, then you should fnd another adult to confde n. Even f you are able to talk to your parents, t can be good to talk to someone who sn t part of your famly to get a fresh perspectve. A good place to fnd someone s n your school. Most schools have gudance counsellors and they re traned on how to talk to teens about a whole bunch of ssues. They can also refer you to outsde counsellors. You can also ask your parents to help you fnd a therapst to talk to, especally f you re really strugglng wth your feelngs over the dvorce. About ths book 20

21 A teen gude to dvorce Kat s Story If you really don t thnk you need a professonal counsellor, try to fnd another adult n your lfe to talk to, lke a teacher, a grandparent, an aunt or uncle, or one of the parents of your frends. The key s for ths person to be a neutral thrd party and someone whose opnon you respect. You can also talk about your feelngs to your frends. Maybe one of your frends s also the chld of dvorce and knows what you re gong through. Your frends are there to support you and not to judge you. Ot h e r t h n g s y o u c a n d o: Keep a journal. You can wrte down all your feelngs, or just wrte about your day. It helps sometmes to get your feelngs out on paper and you can look back on t years from now and see how far you ve come. If you lke wrtng, you can also try wrtng short stores or plays. If wrtng sn t your thng, fnd an actvty you enjoy. Maybe you re really nterested n art and can express yourself better through drawng than by talkng. Or perhaps you re great a basketball and can work out all your frustratons wth a bt of exercse on the court. Even just gong for a walk can help to clear your head. The pont s to fnd a postve outlet to help you work out all your emotons. Talk to your pets. Sure, your dog doesn t understand what you re sayng and can t offer advce, but he s probably a good lstener and he won t judge you no matter what you say to hm. A lot of people fnd comfort n ther pets. If you don t have a pet, maybe you have a stuffed anmal, or a famlar object lke a book or vdeo game that brngs you some comfort. Go onlne. A lot of teens go on the Internet to fnd communtes of other teenagers where they can share ther stores anonymously and get some feedback. There are some good webstes lsted n the resources chapter at the end of ths gude. However, just be careful about how much personal, dentfyng nformaton you share onlne. It s great to fnd support on the Internet, but you also have to be safe and protect yourself. About ths book 21

22 Re s o u r c e s Bo o k s: No n-fcton The Dvorce Helpbook for Teens by Cyntha MacGregor Teens and Dvorce by Gal B. Stewart Books - Fcton My Not-So-Terrble Tme at the Hppe Hotel by Rosemary Graham. A novel about 14- year-old Tracy, who s dragged by her dad to a summer retreat for teens and ther dvorcng parents. It s based on the author s own experence when she was 12. Twlght by Stephene Meyer - Ths popular teen vampre seres follows Bella, a Junor who moves across the country to stay wth her dad after her mom remarres. It s mostly about Bella s relatonshp wth the mysterous Edward Cullen, but t s also about her relatonshp wth her mom and dad. Mo v e s The Squd and the Whale Based on the drector s personal experence, t follows two brothers through ther parents dvorce. The Ssterhood of the Travellng Pants Four best frends go away for the summer, but stay n touch through a par of jeans that magcally fts all of them. The characters nclude Carmen, who learns her dad s gettng remarred and feels lke an outcast n hs new famly. About ths book 22

23 A teen gude to dvorce Resources TV The Secret Lfe of an Amercan Teenager Centres on Amy Juergens, a pregnant 15-yearold whose parents, Anne and George, are estranged, although her dad stll lves at home n the garage. Once and Agan Ths seres has been off the ar for a few years, but you can stll fnd t on DVD. It was about a mother n the mddle of a dvorce and her romance wth a dvorced dad. It also focused a lot on the par s teenage chldren and how they deal wth ther parents dvorce. On l n e The Secret Lfe of an Amercan Teenager Teenlneonlne.org Teens helpng teens. Not specfcally for dvorce, ths s a great onlne communty, wth dscussons on everythng from relatonshps to famly. There s also a phone lne and lve chat, where you can get advce from other teens. Bllsarena.com - Teen Bll Sears started the webste to deal wth hs parents dvorce. It s been a bt quet lately, but t stll has an actve message board and blog. Kdshealth.org - Ths ste has a separate ste for teens, ncludng a gude to on how to deal wth dvorce. About ths book 23

24 A teen gude to dvorce about ths book about ths book Rosen Law Frm helps dvorcng famles successfully navgate one of lfe s most dffcult chapters. All too often, the dvorce process becomes confrontatonal, chaotc, and vndctve. Rosen Law Frm offers a structured approach that leads to certanty and fnalty. Wth our gudance, clents fnd the dvorce process to be a tme of reflecton and goalsettng whch allows them to learn and grow. Clents emerge from ther nevtable sense of loss feelng confdent they wll fnd a fresh start whle transtonng nto a new phase of ther lves. Rosen Law Frm focuses on servng our clents needs n a number of ways. Our multdscplnary team combnes ts unque sklls to provde a level of servce that s almost mpossble for any sngle professonal to acheve. Our team s traned n and uses a varety of approaches for endng a marrage, ncludng collaboratve dvorce, medaton, lawyerled negotaton, and ltgaton n court when approprate. Ths range of optons allows our clents to choose the path to resoluton that works best for ther famly s specfc stuaton. The experence of dvorce s frequently panful, dscouragng, and flled wth hostlty. These feelngs can be destructve to ongong relatonshps between parents and ther chldren. Recognzng ths, we nspre our clents through our belef that dvorce doesn t need to be a terrble experence. We provde hope as we work toward resolutons that mantan tes and dgnty. For ts success n satsfyng clents, even n the mdst of dvorce, Rosen Law Frm was awarded Metro Magazne s BEST DIVORCE LAW FIRM. Our focus on clent servce has also helped our frm grow nto the largest of ts knd n the state. Rosen Law Frm clents are regularly surveyed to ensure that our hgh standards of servce are mantaned and to determne what else we mght do to mprove. We are extremely proud of the trust placed n us by our clents, who regularly say they would refer us to a frend or famly member. Contents of ths ebook are Copyrght 2009 Rosen Law Frm 4101 Lake Boone Tral, Sute 500 Ralegh, North Carolna Phone: (919) McCullough Drve, Sute 510 Charlotte, North Carolna (704) Fayettevlle Road, Sute 205 Durham, North Carolna Phone: (919) About ths book 24