7.3 Methods Couple Counselling/Couple Therapy Author: Martina Frenznick, 2008

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1 7.3 Methods Couple Counselling/Couple Therapy Author: Martina Frenznick, Overview Couple counselling and couple therapy are forms of counselling and psychotherapy that are used to deal with acute or chronic conflict, including cases of violence in partnerships, i.e. the relationship between two people. In the following, I use the term partner work to refer to couple counselling und therapy. These two concepts describe inherently different settings in which firstly, different methods are used and secondly, different objectives are pursued; as such, they are not interchangeable or synonymous. In the context presented here these differences are not of primary significance and so the reference is always to both settings. In partner work, the relationship is considered to be the client, i.e. the relationship is the central focus of work with the couple. The relationship is the object of intervention and the of counsellor or therapist s empathy and partiality. An important element here is the contact and communication that the individuals who make up the couple have with each other or conversely, the disturbance in their contact and communication. From the perspective of partner work, a couple is more than the sum of the individuals who constitute it. Consequently, there are multiple realities in respect to situations, events, conflict within a partnership there are usually two different perspectives and realities (one for each partner) and sometimes also a third, the so-called relationship reality. Partner work specifically aims to work with this phenomena, e.g. through meta-analysis together with the couple. Partner work is not a uniform process, nor a self-contained methodology. Rather, the various methods used within the context of couple counselling and couple therapy, are influenced and shaped through many different schools of therapy and counselling concepts. This is reflected in their views of human nature, and their models for explaining how conflict and the use of violence develops and is maintained in partnerships. Examples that can be mentioned here are NLP (neuro-linguistic programming), psychodrama, gestalt work, systemic therapy, family therapy and transaction analysis. Because of the multiplicity und diversity in couple counselling and couple therapy, they are basically suitable for all couples. However, a basic prerequisite here is as for all other forms of therapy and counselling processes the ability to reflect on oneself and one s own behaviour. Further, it is essential that each member of the partnership is willing to change something in their behaviour and posses the insight that this change is necessary and have made the decision to implement this change. Martina Frenznick, Berlin April /5

2 In respect to work with perpetrators, it is important to consider: For most couples with mono-directional violence, the classical perpetrator/victim dynamic, partner work is generally not used. For couples where the violence has a bi-directional dynamic this form of support represents a reasonable and appropriate method. 2. Philosophy / View of Human Nature The basis for the view of human nature in partner work is provided by humanistic psychology. The humanist doctrine of self and self-concept considers that the (healthy and creative) personality develops with the objective of self actualisation (Pocivavsek, 2002). The central thesis of Carl Rogers is: Individuals possess the potential for unlimited possibilities to understand themselves and alter their self concept and self determined behaviour; this potential can be unlocked through the successful establishment of a clearly defined climate and favourable attitudes (Flammer, 2003). Every person has access to individual resources for conflict resolution and handling difficult situations; however there are also moments in a persons life when these resources are not consciously accessible. Sometimes this is also expressed in the form of self-damaging behaviour. The goal is then to transform these damaging strategies into positive, creative potential and restore the person s access to them so that they are perceived as available and useable resources. Crises are considered opportunities for activating a process in dealing with the disturbance or difficulty. Both of the people who constitute the couple strive for a sense of connectedness and for growth. In partner work this is not viewed as a contradiction, but it is often a trigger for conflict. 3. Principles of Partner Work Couple counselling and couple therapy are understood as supportive accompaniment that aims, among other things, to interrupt habitual behaviour patterns. The Counsellor/therapist works with the couple to identify the problem areas and to jointly formulate counselling or therapy objectives together with the parties involved. Sometimes it is also a goal to find out whether they wish to remain together or to separate. Generally, the first step is to create a context in which the partners can express their various needs, fears and doubts and attempt to clarify them. The goal is that the partners come into and remain in contact with one another. Following clarification of the objective of the counselling, various methods are used to learn and practice new collective and individual behaviour. This also includes exercises that help the couple to observe itself, to listen to each other, to give the partner feedback, to make constructive suggestions and to learn to speak and communicate with each other constructively. Partner work helps each member of the partnership to: Be conscious of their own wishes and to express them Articulate disappointment and fears Express anger adequately Recreate awareness of the partner s wishes Recognise irrational expectations of the partnership Understand the partner s behaviour with the help of analysis of their life history Clear misunderstandings and prejudices Martina Frenznick, Berlin April /5

3 Recognise and cease violent behaviour Speaking with a third person who is uninvolved can also provide a feeling of relief and of not being alone with the problems of the relationship. Partner work can begin a consultation process that provides the partners with a deeper understanding of the dynamic of conflict and violence, of their own part in it and of the partner s personality. Ideally, this facilitates a deeper emotional relationship with more flexibility, tolerance, openness and closeness. This process can give rise to a new basis for a life with and not against one another. 4. Standards for Partner Work with Lesbian Couples Partner work always takes place with both members of the couple. It is standard that two counsellors /therapists are involved. For the counsellors/therapists, this provides the chance to reflect on the intervention more directly and the possibility of sharing the burden. Work in a 2er team can also be used as a model constellation. The usual duration of a session is 75 min. It is important that those involved can regularly take part in meetings, usually with an interval of at least 14 days; depending on the phase of the partner work, the rhythm can also be three weekly or monthly. The women s capacity for reflection on their own actions and behaviour and its unconscious motivation is beneficial; especially insight into the violent behaviour (sense of wrongdoing). An important prerequisite is the active wish of both of the partners, i.e. the will to actively participate in this process of change. The counsellor or therapist s perception of a couple is partially determined by what she knows of the culture, the socialisation and life experience of the couple. Other factors that influence the couple s experience and the coupling process are differences and experiences on the level of the psychosexual identity, class membership, membership of an ethnic group, life with or without children, legal and financial factors, substance abuse, their experience in the comingout process, and the experience of discrimination. Along with this background knowledge, the confrontation with social phenomena such as heterosexism, homophobia, internalised homophobia and one s own prejudice and images must flow into the work with lesbian couples. Every counsellor and therapist, who works with lesbian couples must approach the work with a consciousness of the power of heterosexism and of the lesbian life experience, which also includes specific questions of female socialisation. This background influences the work with lesbian couples and differentiates it from the work with gay or heterosexual couples. (Curtis, 1999; p.186). If this is not taken into consideration in counselling and therapy, any form of support can show only limited success. 5. Specific Principles of Work with Violent Lesbian Couples The first objective of all work with partnerships in which violence is exercised and experienced, is the immediate end of the violence. An important element at the beginning of the work is the analysis of the relationship structure and dynamic of violence experienced by the respective couple. Of equal importance is the evaluation of potential danger and measures to assure the safety of both partners and all related persons, but also the counsellor/therapist. Martina Frenznick, Berlin April /5

4 These questions should be clarified as far as possible during the first meeting. A catalogue of questions that includes the following considerations can be helpful for this analysis: Biographical data on the individuals including their previous experience of violence, e.g. during childhood, as adolescents or in former relationships - the duration of the current relationship, the course of development of violent behaviour in the current relationship, the selfevaluation of the threat and finally wishes and expectations of the couple counselling, the couple s objective and the task of the couple counselling. In addition, it is important that both partners declare their willingness to actively work on this process of change. This means that the women who exercise violence are willing and wish to cease using violence to solve existing conflicts, the need for control or communication problems in the relationship. In concrete terms, the question is posed of whether each is prepared to change and to contribute to the immediate end of the violence and therefore also whether they are prepared to assume responsibility for their acts and their behaviour. This can be a relatively long process that also includes the possibility of so-called relapses. Should the situation arise, it is suggested that individual counselling or therapy be provided alongside the work together. In partner work, it has proven useful to include the conclusion of an anti-violence agreement. The subject of contact is must also be considered. This means the partners contact to each other and to themselves/their feelings and the associated therapeutic work. This is often reflected in the perception of the counsellor/therapist and in the manner in which contact is made, i.e. the limited possibility for contact by the counsellor/therapist to the two clients and can be used as intervention. Methodologically, it can be useful to also use psycho-education, i.e. to provide very specific background information on human behaviour. It has proved useful, e.g. to provide information on the effects of homophobia (also internalised) on the life of lesbian women in general and on the two women in particular, and the effect of homophobia (also internalised) on their relationship. Or information on how conflicts, behavioural patterns, fears and difficulties are related to experiences in one s own childhood, experience in the family and one s own history in earlier and particularly in failed relationships. The ability of psycho-education to create understanding, among other things for the connection between one s own biographic experience and current behaviour can promote a necessary sense of wrongdoing and insight into relevant changes. Lesbian relationships are embedded not only in the general society but also in the LBGT subculture. To work with lesbian perpetrators and lesbian couples, it is therefore necessary to also be familiar with and respect the values and norms of the LBGT community. Domestic violence is a subject that is not openly dealt with in the community. One reason for this is the fear of being confronted by even greater discrimination through the hetero-normative society if domestic violence in lesbian relationships became a public issue. Violence in lesbian relationships is not infrequently perceived as a private matter or also justified and normalised (Cf. Chapter 9, Community Response). This must be considered in counselling and therapy if the various forms of support are to be successful. 6. Important Conclusions from work with violent lesbian couples Experience arising from partner work has shown that the different forms of support for violent lesbian couples strongly correlate to the different courses of development of violence and the various relationship dynamics: Martina Frenznick, Berlin April /5

5 Partner work cannot be used with most couples demonstrating mono-directional violence, i.e. the classical perpetrator/victim dynamic,. This applies in particular to abusive relationships. Here the perpetrator can if she has a sense of wrongdoing and the necessary insight and the willingness to take responsibility for her actions and to alter her behaviour find support for this process in individual counselling/therapy and social training courses. The appropriate form of support for the partner, the victim, is also individual counselling or therapy. Partner work can be suitable for relationships with affect-accentuated violence, especially with the aim of controlled separation. If couples demonstrating a classical perpetrator/victim dynamic come to partner work, both women are referred on to the above-mentioned settings. For couples demonstrating the dynamics of bi-directional violence (participant dynamic) partner work is a reasonable and appropriate method. However, here the conditions for partner work must be fulfilled if the objective is to be achieved. 7. Key Principles The immediate end of violence is the foremost aim of couple counselling/couple therapy Clarification of whether couple counselling/couple therapy is appropriate under the existing relationship structure and if not referral Risk Assessment Prerequisite: Safety of all persons involved (clients, counsellor/therapist) and related persons Define the couple counselling/couple therapy as violence-free space Both of the partners must be prepared to work on the issue of violence and changing violent behaviour (sense of wrongdoing, acceptance of responsibility) The counsellor/therapist must confront heterosexism and homophobia The counsellor/therapist must confront the life situation of lesbian women (discrimination, experience of violence, prejudice and the coming-out process) The counsellor/therapist must consider the effect of internalised homophobia The counsellor/therapist must consider the LGBT subculture The counsellor/therapist must confront her own aspects of victim and perpetrator behaviour Creation of a network structure and cooperation (e.g. for client referral) Martina Frenznick, Berlin April /5