3.13. knew why Sue had refused to see him. She has a guest. Her ex-boyfriend Mike.

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2 3.13 It was the snicker that stopped him from retreating all the way home. Halfway, he turned back. It had come into his head that the only reason the doorman could have to laugh was that he knew why Sue had refused to see him. She has a guest. Her ex-boyfriend Mike. Hugh argued with that logic while he retraced his steps to her street, telling himself this was paranoid behavior and probably wouldn t work anyway as a successful surveillance, but his body disobeyed his reasoning. When he reached her corner he stood at the bus stop, out of sight of the doorman, pretending to wait for a ride. The night air felt cold but not uncomfortable, at least for the first twenty minutes of his vigil. But even if his suspicion was correct, how would he know Mike hadn t already left? Or if Mike was sleeping over, whether he would linger in her bed until long after Sue departed for DC? Or if she really was going to DC? And what about that? Was Hugh planning to stand at the corner until five-thirty in the morning, letting buses go by, no doubt arousing suspicion that could easily result in a cop car checking him out, all to make sure of her departure? And finally, how could he be certain that if Mike did appear he would recognize him from the one photo he d seen at Sue s apartment? It was a wide angle of Sue and Mike and another couple posing under the Sphinx. Sue had told him it was several years old, mostly capturing the exotic location, the only big trip Sue said they had taken together. At night and from a distance of half a block, how likely was it that Hugh could discern if the man leaving

3 her building had the same tiny smiling face as the Mike in the shadow of one of the wonders of the world? I could follow him to where he goes, find out his last name, and then look up if that s his address. Suddenly Hugh was frightened. I m a stalker. And what does it say about my feelings for Sue that I suspect her of lying to me about where she s spending the weekend? He saw the bus was coming. Having to give up the pretense he was waiting for it also propelled him to abandon his mad stake-out. He walked home and vowed to himself that when Sue returned, one way or the other he would settle whether they were a couple. He was unable to shut his eyes until past two. And they snapped open in the pitch dark at five-fifteen, what felt like only a few minutes later. No, he told himself. You re not going to see if she leaves for the train. Although exhausted, he couldn t fall back to sleep. At six-forty-five he called her cell. It went straight to voice mail and he didn t leave a message. He showered, shaved, answered Melissa s late-night about the prospective festival entries they hadn t covered. All that took him to seven-twenty-two. He called Sue s cell. Straight to voice mail again. After the beep, he said, Hi. Guess the reception on the train is poor. Call me when you can. I m dying to know why you told Denise about us. That was a surprise. Love you, he said without thinking, the standard sign off to Ginnie, Ray, Ruth, even Leslie. His heart pounded, mortified by his error. Luckily relief was immediately granted. Her voice mail asked if he was satisfied with his message and told him to press 3 if he wanted to rerecord it. He pressed 3 so hard it twice pleaded, Your message is deleted.

4 His mulligan was: Hi, it s Hugh. Call when you can. Very curious about what made you tell Denise about us. Talk soon. Wow, was that better. He had never loved the anonymity of the technological world more deeply. He went to the office and tried hard not to check his phone every five minutes. So he checked it every fifteen. Meanwhile, he and Melissa watched movies. They were halfway through the second one when Karen opened the door. She said nothing, staring at them silently with an appalled look, as if she had caught them in flagrante delicto. Melissa paused the small screening room s DVD player. Karen continued to stare. What? Hugh asked. Karen nodded at Melissa. Go get yourself coffee. Melissa looked at Hugh. Karen snapped at her, Go! Melissa stood and moved past Karen to the door, then stopped and said, Hugh, you want a latte? GO! Karen shouted, and Melissa bustled out. What? Hugh asked. You slept with her daughter. Broke her heart. Then she asked you to marry her anyway. And you never gave her an answer? Are you out of your fucking mind? Francine, Hugh said, more to orient himself than anything else. What the fuck were you thinking not telling me? Me! You don t tell me you ve pissed off our top donor? Francine gives us two fucking mil a year! And now she says she s quote reevaluating her grant to us unless there are managerial changes in the film programming

5 unquote. Karen sat down heavily. She continued to stare at Hugh with a frown of incomprehension as if she was having trouble recognizing him. Is it true? What? He was trying to remember how long ago it had been since Francine s bizarre proposal. A month? Three? He couldn t remember. Maybe I have Alzheimer s? He might also be having a heart attack: he could feel his heart pulsing in his throat. Did you have an affair with Francine s daughter? Stepdaughter. Yes. I mean... yes. But they don t get along. Francine wouldn t care about that. Well she does. She says you re some kind of... I don t know, user is what she meant. Karen frowned. Trifle, that was the word she used you trifle with women s feelings. I can t believe she proposed to you. Unbelievable. Karen shook her head... then suddenly she burst out laughing. You re a Casanova! I m worried and feeling sorry for you, all alone in the world, and you re beating them off with a stick! Hardly. Hugh was having trouble speaking, even breathing. Hoping to calm himself, he checked his phone to see if Sue had called back, although he hadn t heard a peep or felt his pocket rumble. Hugh. Karen leaned forward and resumed her stern look, black eyes boring at him, thin lips disappearing as she scolded: Marry her. She still wants you. I can tell. It s an arrangement, just an arrangement. You don t have to sleep with her. Oh come on, Karen. I m not going to marry a rich old lady for her money. Karen leapt out of her chair and whacked him on top of his head with the open flat of her palm. Don t be an idiot. Jesus, Hugh complained, rolling his chair away. His scalp stung.

6 Marry her! Your job will be secure and it s the best thing for Ginnie and Ray. She ll probably put them in her will. And you can save every penny you make. You can even go back to fucking her daughter on the side, I bet. I remember her. She was hot. Stepdaughter, Hugh said and then couldn t stop himself from saying exactly what he thought: My God, are you really this amoral? How is this amoral? It s totally moral. It s an arrangement. A great arrangement for you. I don t love Francine! Karen laughed, a deep laugh as if he d made a startlingly good joke. Then she peered at him. When she realized he meant it, her mouth dropped open. You re not kidding. You think you have to be in love to get married? Why would I kid about that? There was a knock on the door, and Melissa said from the other side, I have your latte, Hugh. You drink it! Karen shouted. Go away and stay away. She continued to Hugh, loud enough for Melissa to hear, You actually want to be in love? Mooning over someone the way Melissa moons over you? She can t even do the simplest task, she s so sick in love with you. What? Hugh sat up straight. What? You heard me. I hope you re not also fucking her. Hugh could have sworn that he heard Melissa groan through the door. He d been feeling panic and shame; now embarrassment and confusion were added. What are you talking about? he whispered. Melissa doesn t love me.

7 Well it s not a healthy love, I grant you. Karen faced the door and yelled, Melissa s got Daddy issues! I wish you would fuck her so she d get over it and do her job! Karen, stop, Hugh hissed. Are you serious? She s got a crush on me? Crush! Hugh put a finger to his lips and begged, Shhh. Karen didn t turn down her volume a notch. Not a crush! It s an obsession. She fusses over you like a Japanese mother! At last she dropped her voice. It s just weird. You really don t notice? There s something wrong with you. Are you seeing a shrink? You desperately need to. How can you destroy your career like this? Your career! How about mine? Why the hell didn t you trust me enough to tell me about the daughter? Step-daughter, whatever. And what in God s name were you thinking, saying no to Francine s offer without discussing it with me first? And what the fuck do you mean, I don t love Francine. Who the hell is in love at our age? Are you telling me you re expecting to fall in love? Yes! I hope to fall in love! He felt sure his heart was about jump out of his body. He swallowed hard. It s certainly a prerequisite for marriage for me. Karen sat back in the chair and released a long sigh with such force that from four feet away he smelled stale coffee on her breath. She shut her eyes, breathing in and out deeply, calming herself. When she opened them she seemed normal, thank God. Hugh, I m a dyke so you ll probably write off what I ve got to say but I m not blind and deaf: I know hetero relationships aren t different than ours. If a couple is lucky, they ll be excited about making love to each other for seven years. After that, everyone s bored. Even if they keep doing it, once a month, even once a week, it s just oiling the hinges, changing the filter. Marriages are about money, children, where you live, who you see, does it help your career? If it lasts, it s a fucking

8 practical arrangement. Francine is perfect for your life. You want romance, Hugh? Have affairs. Francine won t even complain. Karen, that s just depressed bullshit, Hugh said, so emphatically Karen was startled. Sure, it was familiar and comfortable with Amy. And sure, she didn t want to do it more than once a month; and sure, I would long for more, or idly think about what it would be like to have sex with Monica Vitti, but I wanted her every day almost every day, anyway. I loved her. He said all that in a clear, untroubled voice, amazing himself. Since Amy s illness he had been unable to talk about his feelings for her without his voice cracking and stalling. It was Sue, wasn t it? What he felt for Sue had given him the courage to speak of love. Karen was unimpressed. Her thin lips twisted in disgust. She shook her head. She stood up and spoke announced, really, in the brisk tone she used whenever she had made up her mind and for better or for worse was going to act on it: Hugh, if you don t go to Francine and say you ve been thinking it over and you re grateful for her marriage proposal, I don t know if I can protect your job. Oh come on! Stop bullying me! Hugh was furious, close to saying something he would regret. He stayed silent, waiting for the angry words to evaporate. I m not bullying you. I m trying to help you. Help me? How? By telling me you re not going to be my friend unless I marry Francine? I ll be your friend. You ll come to dinner every couple weeks. I ll throw you the best sixtieth birthday party in the history of the world. But, Jesus, I m not going to lose my job to protect you! If I don t fire you, Francine ll get the board to fire me.

9 That s ridiculous. His heart was pounding again. What had he done? I can t believe she s that vengeful. How naïve are you? Here s a news bulletin, Hugh: human beings aren t rational about rejection. She s not going to let go of this. This year or next or the next after that, she ll turn off the green faucet. If you don t marry Francine I ve got no choice but to dump you. Hugh stared, terrified and speechless. And Hugh, without this job you ll lose your importance in the film world. And let s face it, with all due respect to Amy and her memory, it s movies that you can t live without. They re the love of your life. She walked out without another word, the way she did when announcing to all departments a decision that was irrevocable. It took a moment to get to his feet, but when Hugh finally left the screening room he searched for Melissa, having decided he would make no mention of what she must have overheard, which would allow her the option of pretending she hadn t. He found her desk abandoned. One of the interns told him she d said she wasn t feeling well and gone home. Hugh had never suspected anything about her feelings for him. He saw himself as Melissa s mentor, thought of her almost as an adopted daughter. The idea of making love to her was worse than horrifying: it was absurd. He didn t finish watching the movie or eat the niçoise salad she had arranged to be delivered. He sat frozen at his desk, keenly aware he urgently needed to address the disaster he d made of his life, but unable to do anything useful: unable to do anything but wait for Sue to call. At last her number flashed on his cell. Hi, Hugh, she said and rushed past his reply to explain: Sorry I didn t get your message for some reason while I was on the Acela and I ve been signing up, getting into my room, grabbing a chance to go the gym. I have to take a shower and

10 get to the first panel but I wanted to apologize for last night. I wasn t sleeping. Mike showed up unannounced and insisted on seeing me. I had to deal with that. In fact I didn t sleep a wink. Hugh stopped breathing. Hugh? she asked into his silence. Are you there? Yes. So you re patching things up. He had meant this to be a question, but it came out as a flat, dispirited statement. What? No, no. She laughed gaily at his misunderstanding. I didn t sleep a wink after he left. Because it was upsetting. I had to tell him I ve moved on and he got... well, pretty angry. Hugh got a sense of how terrible an illness manic depression must be from the dizzy way his heart zoomed from the basement to the roof. Oh. Oh. Good. Well, I mean, I m sorry he got angry but I m glad, very glad you feel that way. Me too, she said brightly. I was feeling good about us, that s why I blabbed to Denise, and I was going to warn you, but Mike, who I d also sent an to that I was seeing someone, showed up and... Anyway, that s the past. I told Denise because it s silly not to. We are seeing each other, right? We sure are. I should be back early enough on Sunday for us to catch a movie if the Acela doesn t slow to a crawl. Can we go out for a change? I love your indie screeners but I d like to see a big-budget movie after a weekend of boring conference symposiums on how to soak rich people.

11 Soak rich people. That spurred him. After he agreed to a commercial entertainment on Sunday and let Sue go to her conference, he decided to use the brimming confidence he was feeling to call Francine immediately. She answered warily. Hugh? Is this you? Yes, Francine. Do you have any free time this afternoon? I can meet anywhere that s convenient. I want to clear the air about something. Clear the air, she repeated as if it were a phrase new to her. Then a long pause. He felt sure she was debating whether to agree to talk at all. All right. Hang on. Let me check. She suggested he come by her place at four-thirty. I have half an hour, she added in her haughty way, as if he had been given an audience with the queen. So he had a few hours to wait to face the music. He knew how to use them. The agony of suspense he had suffered while Sue was unreachable had taught him a lesson. Painful or no, better to be clear with people. He looked up Melissa s home number and the number for Judy s office and shut his door for privacy.