Page 1 of 5 THE PHILADELPHIA AL/ALICE, MARK/MARY, WAITER/WAITRESS
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1 Page 1 of 5 THE PHILADELPHIA AL/ALICE, MARK/MARY, WAITER/WAITRESS SETTING A bar/restaurant. A table, red-checkered cloth. two chairs, and a specialss board MARK/MARY: Al / Alice AL/ALICE: What's going on, buddy? MARK/MARY: Oh man...! AL/ALICE : What is it? What's the story? MARK/MARY: Well-just for an example. This morning I stopped off at a drugstore to buy some aspirin. This is at a big drugstore, right? AL/ALICE: Yeah... MARK/MARY: I say, Give me a bottle of aspirin. The guy gives me this funny look and he says, Oh we don't have that, sir. I said to him, You're a drugstore and you don't have any aspirin? AL/ALICE: Did they have Bufferin? MARK/MARY: Yeah! AL/ALICE: Advil? MARK/MARY: Yeah! AL/ALICE: But no aspirin. MARK/MARY: No! AL/ALICE: Wow.. MARK/MARY: And that's the kind of weird thing that's been happening all day. It's like, I go to a newsstand to buy the Daily News, the guy never even heard of it. AL/ALICE: Could've been a misunderstanding. MARK/MARY:. I go into a deli at lunch time to buy a sandwich, the guy tells me they don't have any pastrami. AL/ALICE: Was this a Korean deli? MARK/MARY: This was a kosher deli. "Oh we don't carry that, sir," he says to me." I have some tongue". AL/ALICE: Settle down. Take a breath. MARK/MARY: What is it? What's happening to me? AL/ALICE: Don't panic. You're in a Philadelphia. MARK/MARY: I'm in a what? AL/ALICE: You're in a Philadelphia. That's all.
2 Page 2 of 5 THE PHILADELPHIA AL/ALICE, MARK/MARY, WAITER/WAITRESS MARK/MARY: But I'm in- AL/ALICE: Yes, physically you are in New York. But you are in a Philadelphia. metaphysically MARK/MARY: I've never heard of this! AL/ALICE: You see, inside of what we know as reality there are these pockets, these black holes called Philadelphias. If you fall into one, you run up against exactly the kinda shit that's been happening to you all day. MARK/MARY: Why? AL/ALICE: Because in a Philadelphia, no matter what you ask for, you can't get it. You ask for something, they're not gonna have it. You want to do something, it ain't gonna get done. MARK/MARY: Good God, so this is very serious. AL/ALICE: Just remember, Marcus. This is a condition named for the town that invented the cheese steak, something that nobody in his right mind would willingly ask for. MARK/MARY: And I thought I was just having a very bad day... AL/ALICE: Millions of people have spent entire lifetimes inside a Philadelphia and never even knew it. Look at the city of Philadelphia itself. Hopelessly trapped forever inside a Philadelphia. And do they know it? MARK/MARY: Well what can I do? Should I just kill myself now and get it over with? AL/ALICE: You try to kill yourself in a Philadelphia, you're only gonna get hurt, babe. MARK/MARY: So what do I do? AL/ALICE: Best thing you can do is wait it out. MARK/MARY: You're pretty goddamn mellow today. AL/ALICE: Yeah well. Everybody has to be someplace. (WAITER/WAITRESS enters.) WAITER/WAITRESS: Is your name Allen/Alice Chase? AL/ALICE: It is indeed. WAITER/WAITRESS: There was a phone call for you. Your boss? AL/ALICE: Okay WAITER/WAITRESS: He says you're fired. AL/ALICE: Cool! Thanks. (WAITER/WAITRESS exits) MARK/MARY: Did she just say you got fired? AL/ALICE: Hey. No sweat. MARK/MARY: How can you be so calm?
3 Page 3 of 5 THE PHILADELPHIA AL/ALICE, MARK/MARY, WAITER/WAITRESS AL/ALICE: Easy. You're in a Philadelphia? I woke up in a Los Angeles. And life is beautiful! You know Sam packed up and left me this morning. MARK/MARY: Sam left you? AL/ALICE: And frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a shit. MARK/MARY: But your job? The garment district is your life! AL/ALICE: So I'll turn it into a movie script and sell it to Paramount. MARK/MARY: (Quiet horror) So this is a Los Angeles. AL/ALICE: You want my advice? Enjoy your Philadelphia. Sit back and order yourself a beer and a burger and chill out for a while. MARK/MARY: But I can't order anything. AL/ALICE: No. There's a very simple rule of thumb in a Philadelphia. Ask for the opposite. MARK/MARY: What? AL/ALICE: If you can't get what you ask for, ask for the opposite and you'll get what you want. You want the Daily News, ask for the Times. You want pastrami, ask for tongue. AL/ALICE: So. Would you like a Bud? MARK/MARY: I sure could use a- AL/ALICE: No. Stop. (Very deliberately) Do you want... a Bud? MARK/MARY: (deliberately.) No, I don't want a Bud. (WAITER/WAITRESS enters.) AL/ALICE: Good. Now there's the waiter / waitress, Order yourself a Bud and a burger. But do not ask for a Bud and a burger. MARK/MARY: Waiter / Waitress! AL/ALICE: Don't call her. She won't come. MARK/MARY: Oh. AL/ALICE: You're in a Philadelphia, so just figure, fuck her. MARK/MARY: Hey, WAITER/WAITRESS! FUCK YOU! (WAITER/WAITRESS turns to him.) WAITER/WAITRESS: Can I help you, sir? MARK/MARY: Uh-no thanks. WAITER/WAITRESS: Okay, what'll you have? (Takes out her pad) AL/ALICE: Excellent. MARK/MARY: Well-how about some O.J. WAITER/WAITRESS: Sorry. Squeezer's broken.
4 Page 4 of 5 THE PHILADELPHIA AL/ALICE, MARK/MARY, WAITER/WAITRESS MARK/MARY: A glass of milk? WAITER/WAITRESS: Cow's dry. MARK/MARY: Rolling Rock? WAITER/WAITRESS: Outta stock. MARK/MARY: Bud Lite? WAITER/WAITRESS: Just plain Bud is all we got. MARK/MARY: No thanks. WAITER/WAITRESS: (Calls) Gimme a Bud! (To MARK/MARY.) Anything to eat? MARK/MARY: Nope. WAITER/WAITRESS: Name it. MARK/MARY: Pork chops. WAITER/WAITRESS: (Writes down.) Hamburger. MARK/MARY: Medium. WAITER/WAITRESS: Well done... MARK/MARY: Baked potato. WAITER/WAITRESS: Fries.. Slice of raw. (Exits, calling) Burn one! AL/ALICE: Marcus, that was excellent. MARK/MARY: Thank you. AL/ALICE: Excellent. You sure you've never done this before? MARK/MARY: I've spent so much of my life asking for the wrong thing without knowing it, doing it on purpose comes easy. WAITER/WAITRESS enters, with a glass of beer and a plate.) WAITER/WAITRESS: Okay. Here's your Bud. (Sets that in front of MARK/MARY.) And one cheese steak. (She sets that In front of AL/ALICE, and starts to go) AL/ALICE: Excuse me. Hey. Wait a minute. What is that? WAITER/WAITRESS: It's a cheese steak. AL/ALICE. No. I ordered cream of kidney and two pairs of feet. WAITER/WAITRESS: Oh we don't have that, sir AL/ALICE: (To Marl/Mary) You brought me into your fucking Philadelphia! MARK/MARY: But maybe you're not really in a Philadelphia?
5 Page 5 of 5 THE PHILADELPHIA AL/ALICE, MARK/MARY, WAITER/WAITRESS AL/ALICE: Do you see the cheese on that steak? What do I need for proof? The fucking Liberty Bell ) WAITER/WAITRESS, bring me a glass of water! WAITER: Water? Don t have that, sir. AL/ALICE: "We don't have water"---? What, you think we're in a sudden drought or something? (Suddenly realizes.) Holy shit, I just lost my job! Sam left me! I gotta make some phone calls! (To WAITER/WAITRESS.) 'Scuse me, where's the pay phone? WAITER/WAITRESS: Sorry, we don't have a pay phone. AL/ALICE: Of course you don't have a pay phone, of course you don't! Oh shit, let me outa here! (Exits ) WAITER/WAITRESS: Could be worse. I've been in a Cleveland All week MARK/MARY: A Cleveland. What's that like? WAITER/WAITRESS: It's like death, without the advantages.
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