RESPONDING TO LOVED ONES WITH ADDICTIONS

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1 RESPONDING TO LOVED ONES WITH ADDICTIONS Rev. Terry King, CEO Rev. Alyssa M. Gross, Esq., Executive Director Saving Grace Ministries, Inc.

2 WORKSHOP DESCRIPTION Raising an addict? Living with an addict? Married to or divorced from an addict? Feel like you re the last remaining person here on earth to help the addict no matter what life circumstance the addict finds themselves in? Warning signs and signs of wonder! You are not alone.

3 INTRODUCTION Dysfunctional lifestyle choices affect most families at one time or another. No family is exempt from problematic members. We must first understand and learn, accepting that as Christians, we did not come to know Christ because our lives were perfect, but in fact we represented the sinners life and struggled ourselves with life issues some dysfunctional as well, some behaviors viewed as abnormal, addictive and even dangerous to self and others.

4 INTRODUCTION Now that we are free, emotionally and spiritually, we find ourselves entangled in the life choices of those we love. Those directly affected often are caught in an emotional tangle between aiding and abetting the behavior, knowing what should be done to help but feeling sorry that the struggling family member will be alone Too often we wait until after the crisis is well along to seek corrective action and help to figure out our own emotional entanglement and what steps we need to take next.

5 YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You are not alone: whether in the church or not, addictive behavior, drug abuse and dysfunctional lifestyle choices pervade our society. This workshop will address four key areas with an emphasis to guide the caregiver to remain objective, maintain their own Christ-centered relationship with God, while strengthening their resolve to deal one-on-one in a Christ-like way with the family member in crisis.

6 STATS ABOUT ADDICTION 22 million Americans have a substance abuse or dependency problem Only 2.5 million of them enter a hospital or clinic for treatment Number one drug of abuse in the United States: Marijuana Number two drug of abuse in the United States: prescription painkillers The amount that the U.S. Federal Government will spend fighting drug abuse: $12 billion

7 LIVING WITH AN ADDICT Living with a drug addict is not workable you have to grab this bull by the horns or be gored. For some, it becomes kicking the addict out of the house. For others, it might be enabling and continued denial. And for many, it s spending your life s savings, while watching your addict carted off to jail or worse.

8 LIVING WITH AN ADDICT The first step in responding to an addict or someone bent on behavior that is not within the norms of society is first to recognize the behavior for what it is: unacceptable. The enabler sees their Christian missionary identity reflected in what they perceive as the response to the needs of the addict.

9 DEFINITION OF ADDICT noun 1. a person who is addicted to an activity, habit, or substance: a drug addict. verb (used with object) 2. to cause to become physiologically or psychologically dependent on an addictive substance, as alcohol or a narcotic. 3. to habituate or abandon (oneself) to something compulsively or obsessively: a writer addicted to the use of high-flown language; children addicted to video games.

10 DEFINITION OF RESCUE : to free from confinement, danger, or evil : SAVE, DELIVER: as a : to take (as a prisoner) forcibly from custody b : to recover (as a prize) by force c : to deliver (as a place under siege) by armed force

11 SOME THINGS TO CONSIDER First, why are you allowing the addict to live with you? Second, who gave you the assignment to rescue the addict? Family members who try to help often end up protecting the addict from the need to get well. Far too often the rescuer or individual who assumes this role is victimized and abused to the point they become enmeshed in the addict s dysfunction if not perpetuating the addictive behavior.

12 SOME THINGS TO CONSIDER This is denial; it is harmful and more often than not results in a continued downhill spiral for the addict if not for the family member assisting the addictive behavior

13 JUDGES 10: 6-18 v15 But the Israelites said to the LORD, "We have sinned. Do with us whatever you think best, but please rescue us now."

14 JUDGES 10: 6-18 The addict cries out in times of trouble only to get his/her immediate needs met. God responded get rid of the foreign gods. Will the addict change behavior to be rescued? There is no need for the addict to change if you are meeting all their emotional and physical needs at this point in time. By faith the rescuer must let the Lord and the Lord alone rescue the addicted. You have not failed the Lord, your Christian calling or your ministry by setting firm boundaries that guides the addict to surrender.

15 PSALM 22:8 (NIV) "He trusts in the LORD; let the LORD rescue him. Let him deliver him, since he delights in him."

16 Know this: assisting the addict in breaking the law or living in sin threatens your own Christian walk. For example, if an individual convicted of DUI cannot drive but you allow them to, if they break the law and you do not report it, you are just as responsible for sinful illegal behavior. In the same way you will not be shunned in the church or put to shame for setting boundaries.

17 WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THEY ARE ARRESTED? Do I tell anyone at church? I have to keep this a secret. Do I post bail? Will I be viewed as an ungrateful Christian or a Christian unwilling to help the needy if I refuse? As a believer we often place enormous emotional and spiritual stress of an inherent expectation that we are responsible to save a loved one from their dysfunctional behavior, despite their unwillingness to help themselves. We fear not helping for fear of ridicule and judgment by and from our Christian peers.

18 WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THEY ARE ARRESTED? Remember the addict is in need, but certainly not of material possessions. The problem generally did not begin when the police or law enforcement takes a loved one into custody. It started years before with very acute and clear indicators of behavior. We minimized the behavior for fear of loss, fear of rejection, thinking Oh I ll pray things will get better, he will stop drinking, lying, cheating, only to have the situation escalated.

19 FREEING THE ENABLER Things the enabler must recognize they do in order to be set free from the addict lie for their loved one allow abusive behaviors hide the truth from relatives and friends defend their loved one when others point out problems help them with legal difficulties change the home environment to accommodate the person with the problem refuse to discuss the problem with anyone

20 CHARACTERISTICS OF THE ENABLER Works for self improvement. If I were a better parent my son wouldn't use drugs. If I were a better wife, my husband wouldn't run around with other women. Changes the environment to accommodate the person with the problem. Let's change schools and get our child away from those trouble-makers. Takes on the whole world in defense of their loved one. The whole legal system is corrupt, and my child is getting the unjust treatment.

21 CHARACTERISTICS OF THE ENABLER Their pain increases because the problems are not being resolved in the life of their loved one. Communication deteriorates Enabling is habit-forming. The enabler offers the same help as in the past without assessing its effectiveness or appropriateness for today. The enabler may get such a sense of personal satisfaction from helping that he/she does not stop to assess whether the help is helping or hurting.

22 WHAT IS ENABLING? Enabling is offering the wrong kind of help. Enabling is rescuing your loved one so they don't experience the consequences of their decisions. Boundaries are freedom; the addict is not free because they have no boundaries Galatians 6:7-8 speaks to Christians about this issue with simple truth. "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life." (NIV)

23 WHAT IS ENABLING? Enabling gives authority to the abuser and user that sin is okay and we accept the behavior. When we give anyone the impression there is a "safe way to sin," we are mocking God. Sin always causes destruction. When we step in and rescue people from the consequences of their sin, we only push our loved one farther down the path of delusion and destruction.

24 DESPERATE BUT NOT REPENTANT When we become strong enough to set boundaries, the addict/abuser replies but attempts to negotiate our rules, minimize them and simply refuse to comply with them.

25 PROTECT YOURSELF & SET BOUNDARIES Take your name off of ANY credit cards, bank accounts, loans etc where you appear as joint holder. If you have a mortgage together, make them sign a Power of Attorney should something happen... Same applies on above on any automobile loans. If it's a car YOU drive and your spouse is on the title.. have him do a quit claim on financed vehicle or have them sign title over to you. Open your own checking account and don't go to the bank where the addict knows the tellers

26 PROTECT YOURSELF & SET BOUNDARIES Get a safe. If you buy a 100 lb safe or smaller, then get lbs of hand weights and put them in it because an addict will try and take the whole safe. If your kids have Social Security cards, LOCK them away, put them in safety deposit box, don't make them accessible. DO NOT LET THEM DRIVE YOUR CAR. Be sure that car is IN YOUR NAME. If they take it, call your police dept. If they say you cannot do a stolen car report (if married) then you tell them you want to file an "UNAUTHORIZED USE" charge!!

27 PROTECT YOURSELF & SET BOUNDARIES No Gas Cards sells for cash Change lock on your doors. Do not let your kids go alone anywhere with an addict who is actively using. PERIOD. Keep a get-away bag. You never know if an addict using will get violent

28 BIBLICAL COPING AND HEALING God cares for you Psalm 25:20 NIV Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. Only God can rescue the addicted; you are responsible for your own salvation and your own walk. Psalm 91:14 NIV "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

29 BIBLICAL COPING AND HEALING Matthew 27:43 NIV He trusts in God. Let God rescue him now if he wants him, for he said, 'I am the Son of God.' " Acts 7:25 NIV Moses thought that his own people would realize that God was using him to rescue them, but they did not. 2 Peter 2:9 NIV if this is so, then the Lord knows how to rescue godly men from trials and to hold the unrighteous for the day of judgment, while continuing their punishment.

30 Isaiah 58:8 NIV Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.