Overcoming Pitfalls and Picking Yourself Back Up in Recovery Patrick Meninga www.spiritualriver.com
Contents Are you Living a Victim Mentality, or are You Actively Creating a New Life in Recovery?... 1 Why making this switch is important for recovery... 2 External versus Internal... 3 Action Items-What You Can Do... 4 3 Things You Can Do When You Relapse Emotionally... 5 The Stages of Relapse... 5 Resentment is No Longer the Number One Offender... 9 John MacDougall of Hazelden rightly points out that resentment is no longer the number one offender, as stated in the Big Book of AA, but complacency is.... 9 Why Resentment Ceases to be a Threat... 9 Why Complacency Becomes the Dominant Threat... 10 Action items What you can do:... 11 Achieving Long Term Sobriety. How to Beat Alcohol and Drug Addiction... 12 Profile of a Success Story: What Characteristics Lead to Long Term Sobriety... 15 About the Author... 18 Get Help for Addiction Now... 19
1 Are you Living a Victim Mentality, or are You Actively Creating a New Life in Recovery? We have probably all lapsed into a victim mentality from time to time in recovery. The question is, how have you been doing with this lately? Are you making excuses about why things aren t going your way, or have you decided to stay more positive? Playing the victim role in life is a decision. It follows that the solution is based on a single decision as well. That decision is to actively create a new life for yourself in recovery. This is about positive thinking. You might have to dig a little deeper into yourself and find a spark of energy. That s what creating a new life is all about. When you switch from a victim mentality to a creative one, problems become opportunities. You get excited about life and start welcoming challenges instead of complaining all the time. Yes, this is a 1
shift in attitude. But what a difference it can make in your final results! Why making this switch is important for recovery The biggest reason that you need to get out of victim mode is so that you remove any excuses you might have to pick up a drink or drug and ruin your life all over again. Playing a victim role is perfect conditions to allow that to happen, so you obviously don t want to go there! Instead, maintaining a positive outlook and having a progression of goals in your life can give you the energy and motivation to remain clean and sober. This has very little to do with what actually happens in your life. It has to do with your attitude towards that stuff. The creative mindset held by those who are actively creating an awesome new life in recovery is always looking for the positive side to things. This is part of the attitude change. For example, if a friend in recovery relapses, this is not an opportunity to jump on the pity-party bandwagon and get discouraged about our own chances at staying clean. Instead, the creative individual will use it as an opportunity 2
to reach out and help their friend, with a firm resolve to learn from the experience and take something positive away from it. External versus Internal The victim mentality seeks relief and happiness from outside of itself. This would be the equivalent of an alcoholic walking into an AA meeting and saying I seem to have a drinking problem. Please fix me. There is an expectation from the victim that other people are going to (or should) solve their problems for them. You can imagine how limiting this is for someone trying to pursue sobriety. Overcoming drug and alcohol addiction is an inside job. Meaning, the motivation must come from within. The soul searching and internal footwork must come from the individual. We can ask others for help, but ultimately we are responsible for our own recovery. Recovery is an act of creation. We are literally creating a new life for ourselves. This takes energy and a positive attitude. The victim mentality would have us sitting on our couch, pointing fingers at people, and demanding that they somehow create this new life for us. Not a helpful attitude. 3
Action Items-What You Can Do 1) Raise your awareness keep a close tab on when you find yourself slipping into a victim mentality. If you catch yourself going there, increase your awareness and stay vigilant. 2) Impose a zero tolerance policy for yourself regarding the victim mentality. Whenever you catch yourself, shut it down immediately. Keep telling yourself: No whiners! 3) Embrace the creative life of recovery. Do some soul-searching and goal setting, then get going on the footwork. Make something happen! 4
2 3 Things You Can Do When You Relapse Emotionally Relapse is a tricky subject; it can be a little bit like talking about the bogeyman. But we have to confront the possibility head-on and be prepared with contingency plans in case we start to slip if we want to enjoy a successful recovery. The Stages of Relapse If you re trying to prevent relapse, then it is important to understand that there are actually 3 stages to it. Relapse is not just the moment when you take that drink (or drug). The actual relapse happens at an earlier point in time, probably several days or even weeks before you actually pick up and use a drink or drug. 1) Emotional relapse - This is the first stage of relapse, and it can be very subtle, so much so that you will probably miss it unless you have purposely increased your awareness and are watching out for it. Emotional relapse occurs with things such as isolation, anxiety, or irritability. You re not thinking about using yet, but your behaviors and emotions are 5
setting you up to start down that path if you don t do something. 2) Mental relapse - This is when you re actually thinking about the drugs and alcohol. It might be more subtle than blatant thoughts of I want to get drunk or high. It might be reminiscing about old times when you used, glamorizing, and so on. If it continues you will eventually have a back-and-forth argument in your head of wanting to use versus wanting to stay clean and sober. 3) Physical relapse - This is when you actually ingest the drugs or alcohol. Now obviously if you are already fighting with yourself mentally about wanting to use drugs or alcohol, then you re very close to a physical relapse, and you should take immediate and drastic action in order to prevent anything further. Those would be things like: * Going to a meeting and sharing about how you want to use * Calling a sponsor or friend in recovery and telling them how you feel like using And so on. If you ve mentally relapsed, then you need drastic and immediate action. 6
The question is, what can you do if you ve relapsed emotionally to prevent yourself from sliding further down the scale, closer to a physical relapse? 1) First of all, you must raise your awareness so that you can tell when you have relapsed emotionally. Your friends and peers in recovery can help you with this, as you can help them. Noticing when peers are isolating, anxious, irritable, and so on allows us to help each other out. 2) Second, you can take immediate action to counteract whatever symptom of emotional relapse you might be showing. If you re irritable and tired, get more sleep. If you re isolating, force yourself to interact with others in recovery, get to a meeting, and so on. Treat your symptoms. 3) Third, prevent emotional relapse from occurring at all by living a balanced, creative life in recovery. A holistic approach is key to preventing emotional relapse, because the emotional relapse can be brought on through so many different angels. Therefore, your defenses need to be broad enough to prevent these attacks from any angle. For example: * Getting regular exercise so that you stay healthier and get better sleep, preventing anxiety and irritability. 7
* Avoid anxiety by practicing meditation or relaxation techniques * Maintain gratitude by working with newcomers in recovery The creative life in recovery advocates approaching relapse prevention from a holistic standpoint. It is finding balance in your life so that you can remain stable on all fronts in the face of potential relapse. 8
3 Resentment is No Longer the Number One Offender John MacDougall of Hazelden rightly points out that resentment is no longer the number one offender, as stated in the Big Book of AA, but complacency is. Why is this, you ask? And how could the big book of AA possibly be wrong? Because the founders of AA who wrote the big book could only use the information they had at the time. In some ways, they had a limited perspective on things. One example of this is their relatively short term sobriety. Because they had not experienced long term sobriety, nor had they watched others in AA fall victim to complacency after long periods of abstinence, it seemed reasonable to them that resentment really was the number one offender. Today we know differently, now that we have seen many recovering alcoholics achieve long term sobriety. Why Resentment Ceases to be a Threat It is true that many in AA or other recovery programs will struggle with resentments. They can indeed be the poison that leads people back to 9
drinking or drugs. But anyone who is living a progressive life of recovery will inevitably make a shift in how they handle things. Either they will learn to deal with their anger, or they will not. This is part of the learning process of recovery, and is also addressed specifically in the 12 steps. Regardless of how a recovering alcoholic goes about it, they are going to have to learn to let go of their anger if they are to remain sober in the long run. If they cannot cross this learning gap and learn how to overcome their resentments, then they will inevitably drink or use drugs again some day. Why Complacency Becomes the Dominant Threat For those of us who make it past this initial stage of recovery, and work the steps and start dealing with life on life s terms, resentment ceases to be such a major threat, and we now have a new problem to worry about: complacency. This is the true number one offender, and you can see evidence of this when you hear an alcoholic describe their relapse after a long period of sobriety. It s not a specific resentment that got them in the end instead, the person is usually so baffled that they can t pin down why they drank, and only know that they had drifted away from AA meetings or started letting up on 10
their program of recovery. In other words, they got complacent. It s not the big things that get us in long term sobriety (like a big juicy resentment), but the little things that slowly eat away at us if we happen to stop making spiritual progress. Action items What you can do: 1) Fight complacency by challenging yourself to keep growing spiritually. This might include empowering growth activities that fall outside of traditional spiritual roles, such as starting a new exercise program or maybe a commitment to volunteer and help out somewhere. 2) Fight complacency by working with other drug addicts and alcoholics. This is one of the most effective tools for defeating complacency in the long run. Helping other alcoholics practically ensures our continual progress. Make it a strong point in your recovery. 11
4 Achieving Long Term Sobriety. How to Beat Alcohol and Drug Addiction Long term sobriety is the golden standard of success in beating alcoholism. There are plenty of people who drift in and out of recovery, only getting a small taste of a better life before slipping back into the grip of addiction. For the newcomer, the big question in early recovery becomes: How can I make this last? or How can I turn recovery into a lifestyle? These questions all point toward the same goal of achieving long term, meaningful sobriety. When I first got sober, I wanted to know what common factors there were among those who had achieved long term sobriety. I learned from others and from my own experience that the following factors are critical in the beginning: 1) Level of Surrender - Those who have truly hit bottom have a really good chance of achieving long term sobriety. Recognize though that it is not about how far you ve fallen, but more about to what degree you have internalized a need for change. Regardless of your life circumstances, those who have admitted 12
complete defeat against drugs and alcohol stand a much better chance of making it in the long run. 2) Strength of Commitment Some people merely dabble in recovery, while others immerse themselves almost completely in a recovery program. Those who have long term sobriety in AA almost always talk of how heavily they were involved in their early years of recovery. This strength of commitment is simply the outward reflection of what is driving you on the inside towards a life of sobriety. 3) Willingness for Following Direction Any recovery program is essentially a set of directions to help you live a sober life. Those who have achieved long term sobriety or overcome an addiction tend to emphasize that they were very willing to follow whatever direction was given to them when they first started their recovery. You will often hear people share in AA meetings how they were willing to do whatever was asked of them in order to stay sober. This speaks to a profound level of desperation being necessary to achieve recovery. Even though these elements are critical to early recovery, they are not necessarily under our direct control. For example, I didn t get to choose my level 13
of surrender. It just happened. I was finally devastated and miserable enough with my drinking and drug use that I was willing to ask for help and try to change. This level of surrender directly affected the strength of my commitment and my willingness to follow directions. If these factors are largely beyond our control, what can we do in order to ensure our long term success? Here are some things that have enabled myself and others to achieve significant lengths of recovery: 1) The Day at a Time Philosophy Can anyone stay sober for a year at a time? Since we have a tendency to measure our lives out in days, it makes sense to develop a day-at-a-time philosophy for maintaining sobriety. Recovering alcoholics know that they never have to drink again.just for today. It can also be helpful to know that if we can just make it through today without drinking, then tomorrow will start us off fresh and likely take care of itself. But the real power of this philosophy is in the mindfulness of staying present in each moment. For an excellent exploration of the topic, I highly recommend reading Eckhart Tolle s The Power of Now. 2) Long Term Treatment When I finally got clean and sober for good, it was through the help of a long term treatment center. I lived in one for a period of 14
20 months in my early recovery, and I m confident that this was a critical component to my continued success in recovery. Long term treatment gave me the foundation that I needed in order to establish a strong recovery for myself. It was there that I learned how to live, and developed the lasting and healthy habits that carry me through recovery today. 3) Spiritual Experience This is the absolute clincher. The spiritual experience is the whole key, the thing that all other suggestions point towards. This is because it is vital for maintaining long term sobriety. Behavioral approaches and cognitive therapies work great for treating problem drinkers or drug abusers, but for real alcoholics and drug addicts, a complete psychic change in personality is necessary to overcome their problem. This is not the same as religious conversion. The vital spiritual experience is characterized, among other things, by overcoming self-centeredness, and is maintained by working with others in recovery. Profile of a Success Story: What Characteristics Lead to Long Term Sobriety 1) Balance When I first got clean and sober, the treatment center I attended had a lecture about living a balanced lifestyle. I thought it was a waste of time, 15
and didn t see how it applied to my early recovery. In fact, I believe I was right it didn t apply. But it does now. As I continued to stay clean and started living a more normal life, the question of balance continues to be brought to my attention. Virtually any addict or alcoholic is in danger of unbalancing their life. For example, consider someone who loses themselves in their work and becomes a workaholic, only to later suffer the consequences of burnout and fatigue. Although it might not seem like it in early recovery, balance becomes a critical concept as you continue to stay sober. 2) Willingness Those who make it in the long term maintain their willingness. They stay open to the criticism of others, to trying new ideas, to conquering their fears. Continued willingness goes hand in hand with lifelong learning, and is critical for those who continue to push themselves to reach new goals. 3) Seeking - You are either growing spiritually or you are regressing. Standing still is an illusion when it comes to spiritual progress if you think you re stagnant, then you need to get moving. Those who enjoy long term sobriety are constantly pushing themselves to grow spiritually. 4) Network No man is an island.you need the 16
help of others in order to succeed in recovery. Making a strong network of people who can help you in your addiction treatment journey can be the difference between recovery and relapse. 12 step meetings, therapy, or counseling can all be tools to help form this support network. There are many different options if you are seeking help for alcoholism or drug addiction. An inpatient alcohol abuse treatment program can help or your loved one break the vicious cycle of alcoholism. With the right alcohol abuse treatment, long-term recovery is possible. 17
About the Author Patrick Meninga is the Editor-in- Chief of Spiritual River and an Intake Specialist at a Drug Rehab in Michigan. He has over five years of experience working directly with recovering addicts and alcoholics and has been sober himself for over a decade. Patrick actively writes on the web about addiction and has contributed over one million words to try and help others find a path in recovery. His main focus is on personal growth as a strategy for relapse prevention. He believes that staying clean and sober can be done without a formal program of recovery, but rather through personal motivation and the push to grow in a holistic manner. He has published several ebooks available for free download on the web at http://www.spiritualriver.com. 18
Get Help for Addiction Now Addiction is a disease that takes many forms. Studies show that one in every ten Americans is affected by addiction to substances. Addiction can be extremely dangerous and potentially life-threatening if not treated immediately. The road to addiction recovery takes immense strength, courage, support and guidance and should not be undergone alone. Getting help for addiction is crucial and should be done with patience, encouragement, and support. Spiritual River partners with Transformations Treatment rehab centers. The caring, professional staff use a variety of approaches based on individualized treatment plans. If you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, call toll-free (888) 724-3186 to learn about how you can begin your journey to recovery. 19