What are Your Favorite Lies?

Transcription

1 Life is Hard Sometimes What are Your Favorite Lies? West Chester, PA Little lies make life easier at least in the moment. They enable us to avoid pain in the moment and hopefully in the future, too. We all tell little lies. To ourselves and others. About what we did and didn t do (past). About what we will and won t do (future). 2 Life is Harder with ADHD The Future is Harder with ADHD ADHD gives you more to lie about. Distractibility, impulsivity, forgetfulness, poor time management, etc. make it harder to convert intentions into actions. Past: More missteps to cover-up. Not again... Future: Less predictability about what you will do later. Fingers crossed! Reduced self-activation harder to get going (procrastination). Shorter time horizon tasks need to be closer in time to be visible. Greater temporal discounting the present feels (much) bigger than the future. 3 4 Present vs Future Rationalizations for a Tempting World We always have many options, but can only act on a small number at a time. All these desires and priorities constantly compete with each other for attention and action. We have opposing drives to maximize the present vs the future. Our present self sometimes ignores our future self and therefore is angry at our past self. Executive functions help us resist the present and maximize the future. We all rationalize less than optimal decisions. When temptation trumps willpower (e.g., McDonalds). We use semi-plausible reasons to feel better about what we know is a bad decision. Integrity and actions: have our cake and eat it, too (sort of). 5 6 Ari@TuckmanPsych.com 1

2 Lies Work (Except Sometimes) Payment Comes with Penalties Little lies sometimes prevent suffering. Sometimes it works, so it s believable. Little lies sometimes delay suffering. Future suffering is more acceptable (temporal discounting). And maybe we ll get lucky! The inconsistency of ADHD means that sometimes things really do work out well. Even if lies work, we may feel bad about it. Imposter syndrome if too many lies. Things are often worse when we have to deal with them later. Perhaps fewer options. Social consequences, if others find out. Often the cover-up is worse than the crime. 7 8 Integrity is Hard Choices Spill Forward Almost by definition, integrity involves making the harder choice. Otherwise it s just convenient. Integrity involves taking the hit in the moment. But the reward is being one s better self. And less worry about getting caught in the future. Bad situations make bad decisions more likely. We don t have enough options, none of which are great. But yesterday s bad decisions create today s bad situations. So, manage that first step well. Or get yourself back on track ASAP Make the Future Bigger Manage Your ADHD Because of temporal discounting, the present too often wins over the future. Make it a fair fight by pausing to really consider the future. Imagine the future as vividly as possible. How will your future self feel about this decision? Insufficiently managed ADHD puts you into more bad situations. More frequent. More problematic. This requires extreme willpower and honesty to manage with integrity. More than most people can muster. And more than anyone should have to Ari@TuckmanPsych.com 2

3 Some Lies are More Likely ADHD s Favorite Lies The difficulties of ADHD make certain situations more likely which make certain lies more likely. There is a logic to this. Different difficulties, different situations, different lies. Human fallibility is universal. 14 It s a Short List of Favorites I ll get to that in a minute. Most of us have a handful of favorite lies. Used most often. Cause the most problems. You don t have to look for every lie just your favorites. Look for and notice them. Even small improvements can make a big difference. When we don t want to switch gears, usually from a more desirable task. But we then lose track of it and it doesn t get done. Folks with ADHD are more likely to get stuck in one task and also to forget the next one. Delays are risky I ll get to that in a minute. Strategies I can do that tomorrow. Pause to actually assess the relative importance of the two tasks. Be honest with yourself about the likelihood of remembering. How much else is going on? How absorbing is the current task? If it s quick to do or a big problem if forgotten, then just do it. Create a reminder. May be more true in theory than in practice if there is too much going on tomorrow. Or it squeezes tomorrow s tasks. The future involves more uncertainty, and therefore risk, than the present. Especially tempting at night, when tired, or when there are too many other demands. Options sometimes go away over time Ari@TuckmanPsych.com 3

4 I can do that tomorrow. Strategies I don t need to write that down. Pause to consider tomorrow s actual schedule. Is there enough time to add this in, including possible unexpected events? Can less important tasks be delayed? Think about how you will feel about it tomorrow. Address things earlier to minimize end of the day burnout. Stopping to write something down in a schedule, to-do list, or reminder can break the flow. Unfortunately, prospective memory can get wiped clean very quickly. Most people over-estimate their ability to remember. Some folks with ADHD feel self-conscious writing things down I don t need to write that down. Strategies This will just take a minute. If it deserves to be done, then it probably deserves to be written down. Shows others that it s important to you. If you can remember everything you need to do, then you don t have enough going on. Writing things down means you have a big, interesting life. A small pause saves a big headache. Very likely to forget and/or big consequences. When we want to do something that we really don t have enough time to do. We rationalize the activity with best case scenario of how long it will take. Tasks take two different times: The actual time for just the task. The additional time when you get distracted onto other tasks (slippery) This will just take a minute. Strategies I ll start after a quick break. Nothing takes a minute. Nothing. Make an honest assessment of the likely time, especially with slippery tasks. If doing it anyway, admit that it will take longer and therefore delay the next task. If not doing the task, perhaps create a reminder. Makes it easier to let it go. Starting fresh is a good idea but can be taken too far. ADHD folks tendencies towards procrastination can make for long breaks. Some break activities are stickier than others Ari@TuckmanPsych.com 4

5 I ll start after a quick break. Strategies I ll put that away later. Set a definitive point to start the task. Avoid sticky break activities. Think beyond the task if you delay starting, how does that affect what comes next? How will that feel then? Generally manage your energy: sleep, exercise, diet, stress, etc. Feel good about deserved breaks. Being busy or running late makes it easy to rationalize not putting things back. This can get easier and easier the more things are left out. This can have social consequences if others feel that it falls to them I ll put that away later. Strategies Plan in some time to clean up afterwards. Avoid having to scramble to the next task. Think about the extra effort and frustration when you later can t find things. Circle back around later to put things away. Think about the social impact and how others will feel. Acknowledge the impact when unavoidable. I don t need to get more organized I can remember where everything is. Many folks with ADHD have trouble following a good organizational system, making it easy to tell themselves that they don t need one. But memory is limited and doesn t work as well as we like to think. Death by a thousand cuts in time lost looking. Out of sight, out of mind. Also, others can t easily find things I don t need to get more organized I can remember where everything is. Strategies Unless you are a total minimalist, everyone needs an organizational system. Purge the less you have, the easier it is to organize the rest. Remember the frustration of not being able to find something. Think about how great it feels to know where things are. Others may make judgments about the mess. I don t need to go to bed now. Many with ADHD have trouble shutting off and getting into bed on time. May also result from procrastination or losing track of time. Feels like bonus time. But sleep deprivation makes performance and mood worse. With chronic sleep deprivation, it s normal Ari@TuckmanPsych.com 5

6 I don t need to go to bed now. Strategies Be Your Best Self Remember that long nights make for more difficult mornings and days. Compare performance and mood after good sleep vs bad. Use your day more effectively so you don t have to stay up late. Avoid stimulating activities. Except sex (yay!). Go to bed together. Look for and notice your shortcuts. Hold yourself to a higher standard what kind of person do you want to be? Even if no one else will know, you will. Cut yourself some slack when necessary. Tomorrow is another day make it a good one Executive Functions Workbook Be good to your future self. S/he will thank you for it. Dr. Tuckman continues to do an exceptional job of distilling the essence of theory and science about ADHD into a very practical guide for the adult with ADHD. Russell Barkley, Ph.D. 34 Book for Clinicians Book for Adults it is a real pleasure to read Tuckman's superbly rendered book on ADHD in adults, for it is so well-reasoned, sciencebased, information-rich, to the point, and finally useful! Apart from wishing I had written it, I sincerely wish that you will read it. Russell A. Barkley, Ph.D. Written in a clear and easy-tounderstand style, the book brings together a vast amount of information, ideas, suggestions, and research. All adults with ADHD can benefit from this book, as well as all people who care about them. Superb! Ned Hallowell, M.D Ari@TuckmanPsych.com 6

7 100+ episodes, 1,750,000+ downloads Information on all three books Upcoming presentations Recordings of past presentations Cool events Handouts and articles 37 7