Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2015

Transcription

1 Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2015 Strength and hope for families and friends of problem drinkers Al Anon works well with counseling Alcoholism affects the entire family Parents learn to cope Growing up in an alcoholic home

2 Alcoholism affects the 4 entire family The kids needed help with homework and rides to outside activities. The house was always a mess. There were dishes and laundry to do. 13 My life had become so out of control not knowing what condition I would find my son in when I got home. Parents learn to cope with their adult child s drinking

3 16 Al Anon is spiritual not religious No one in Al-Anon told me that the God of my understanding had to be affiliated with a specific religion. Growing up in an alcoholic home I grew up seeing my parents fighting all night long, and having to leave the house to stay safe Al Anon works well with counseling Al-Anon supplements and reinforces the information I give my clients about alcoholism as a disease. My clients gain encouragement from attending Al-Anon meetings.

4 Dear Reader, As I looked at the sadness on the faces of the individuals pictured on the cover, I realized they are probably the lucky ones. They know they are troubled by someone else s drinking. That awareness is the first step for families and friends of alcoholics to move from denial to acceptance and asking for help in an Al-Anon Family Group meeting. Having grown up in an alcoholic family, and even after my parents separated, I thought I was responsible for the unhappiness in my life. I just didn t know how to fix it or what the real problem was. I tried acting out in school to be noticed, hiding at parties hoping someone would talk to me, and trying to take care of anyone and everyone who needed me. I was exhausted when I walked in the doors of my first meeting. People were talking to each other, smiling, and laughing. I realized there was something different here. Members shared about using the tools of the program to make their lives better; the alcoholics were seldom mentioned. When they were, it was only from a place of understanding and empathy for their pain, not the way I normally talked or thought about them. I m glad that I tried an Al-Anon meeting. I was accepted for who I was, where I was, and with the understanding that if I kept coming back, my life could change. So I invite you, if you are troubled by a loved one s drinking whether currently in your life or no longer present to visit an Al-Anon meeting in your local community. We don t make promises or give advice, but we do offer a loving hand and a willing ear to help you find the hope and strength that Al-Anon Family Groups has given us. Gratefully, Ric B., Executive Director Al Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.

5 How do I know if Al Anon could help me? Problem drinkers commonly say that their drinking is not as serious a problem as some people think. People who are close to problem drinkers also have a tendency to minimize how seriously the drinker s behavior has affected them. They are trying to keep things as normal as possible under conditions that are sometimes unbearable. These questions can help you decide for yourself if you could benefit by visiting a few Al Anon meetings. Do you worry about how much someone else drinks? Do you have money problems because of someone else s drinking? Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else s drinking? Do you feel that if the drinker cared about you, he or she would stop drinking to please you? Are plans frequently upset or canceled because of the drinker? Do you make threats, such as, If you don t stop drinking, I ll leave you? Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout? Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker s behavior? Do you search for hidden alcohol? Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety? Do you feel like a failure because you can t control the drinking? Do you think that if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved? If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, Al Anon or Alateen may be able to help. AFA2015 3

6 Nobody was judging me, because we were all in the same boat. 4 My wife s drinking left me lonely and isolated Reid R., Oregon I had a long list of reasons why I didn t want to go to an Al-Anon meeting. I put off going until it seemed that there were no other options left. I was trying to keep the household functioning as normally as possible, despite my wife s problem drinking. I had a full-time job, and I had to do things that she couldn t do because she was incapable of meeting those responsibilities. The kids needed help with homework and rides to outside activities. The house was always a mess. There were dishes and laundry to do. It was hard on the whole family. I was so upset about my wife s condition. I would have done anything I could to help her, but everything was getting worse. I m an introvert by nature, not a meeting person. All the additional pressure and anxiety made me even more isolated and lonely. I wasn t comfortable participating in normal activities. I was too preoccupied with my problems at home. No, I didn t want to go to a meeting. I didn t have time. I wasn t interested. It was not for me. I found that I felt better after my very first meeting, but of course I couldn t have known that before I went to my first meeting. What I liked about Al-Anon was that there was no pressure for me to talk if I didn t feel like talking. There wasn t anybody telling me what I should do, or what I should have done. Nobody was judging me, because we were all in the same boat. I was able to hear other people talk about their own experiences living with a problem drinker, and that helped me more than I could have imagined. I wish I had gone to Al-Anon sooner, but I ve learned in Al-Anon how to accept what I can t change.

7 I was slow to accept that my husband was an alcoholic Priscilla H., California Although my husband does not see himself as having a problem with alcohol, it is enough that I see a problem in my life because of his use of alcohol. I am ashamed of his behavior. I want to avoid contact with other people because of that shame. I waited so long to seek help because I was slow to accept that alcohol was the problem. I knew there was a problem, but I convinced myself that it wasn t that bad, he s not really an alcoholic; he just drinks a little too much. I was slow to admit and accept the label of alcoholism. The bottom line is that the issue of alcoholism is causing problems in my relationship with my husband. AFA2015 I am afraid he will get hurt because of his drinking. I am ashamed of his behavior. I want to avoid contact with other people because of that shame. I am unable to communicate with him because of how angry he is. I am angry and hurt. I am sad! Whatever the cause of his drinking problem, the result is that I am living with an alcoholic, and that is not a pleasant thing. It is a wonderful thing for me that Al-Anon Family Groups allows me to decide if I am dealing with alcoholism or not. My attending Al-Anon is independent of his accepting the help that Alcoholics Anonymous would offer him. I am so grateful for Al-Anon, because this program offers the help I need at this point in my life. I came to find a way to help or fix the alcoholic. Instead, I am finding out that there is a way to help me, independently of what he does. 5

8 When someone close to you drinks too much Sometimes the problem drinker is a spouse or partner. Sometimes parents are concerned about their son or daughter s drinking. Sometimes the drinker is or was a parent, another relative, a co-worker, or a friend. Al Anon and Alateen where you can find help Al Anon is a mutual support program for people who are living with or have lived with someone whose drinking created problems for themselves or others. Alateen meetings are held in many locations for young people, usually teenagers, whose lives have been affected by someone else s drinking. While Alateen members facilitate their own meetings, adult Group Sponsors are there for safety and to provide guidance. To ensure the safety of Alateen meetings, Group Sponsors must be in compliance with Alateen Safety and Behavioral Requirements. Explaining the disease to a young child We may not want to think that our children know what is going on, but they often do know something is terribly wrong. Children have an amazing capacity for dealing with the truth. Shrouding the illness in mystery and lies is far more frightening than a down-to-earth talk about the disease of alcoholism. In explaining the disease to young children, it is helpful to compare it to a chronic illness that they know. We can point out that the alcoholic is sick and doesn t mean all the things said while drinking. We should be careful to explain to our children that they are in no way responsible for the drinking and remind them that they are loved. From How Can I Help My Children? (P-9) 6

9 How bad is the drinking? What really matters is this question: does the drinking trouble you? If it does, an Al Anon Family Group could be helpful to you. How serious does the drinker s problem have to be for Al Anon to help? From the Al Anon perspective, it doesn t matter whether the drinker is an alcoholic or not. What really matters is: does the drinking trouble you? Lasting effects Your parent or grandparent drank too much. You divorced a spouse who behaved badly while intoxicated. Your current spouse or partner has stopped drinking. But even if there is not active alcoholism in your life now, sometimes a relationship with a problem drinker can have long-lasting effects. Al Anon and Alateen offer an opportunity for personal growth. Members help each other to understand and unravel the lingering effects that resulted from someone else s drinking whether the drinking is still active or not. AFA2015 7

10 Someone close to me has a drug problem Al Anon Family Groups have one focus: to help friends and families of alcoholics. Al Anon s 2012 Membership Survey reported, however, that 34 percent of Al Anon members first came to Al Anon Family Groups because of a friend or relative who had a drug problem. The survey also showed that 88 percent of these members eventually came to realize that alcohol abuse was also part of the overall problem. What kind of answers will I find at Al Anon? Al-Anon members find support and understanding as they share their experiences in applying the Al-Anon principles to their lives. This peer-to-peer exchange helps them discover new choices and new ways of thinking about how to handle the effects of alcohol abuse. They do not give each other advice or specific direction. 8 To learn more about Al Anon and to get a sense of what a meeting could be like, listen to some selections from Al Anon s podcast series, First Steps to Al Anon Recovery. These short audio presentations are available at no charge on Al Anon s Web site, anon.alateen.org.

11 What anonymity is all about There is a spiritual aspect to anonymity. Everyone is equally humble in facing the sometimes overwhelming challenges of dealing with problems related to a loved one s struggle with alcohol. Anonymity helps keep the emphasis on principles that can help solve personal problems, rather than on the personal situations that are part of the problem. No one s social status, professional standing, or level of education matters at an Al-Anon meeting. Confidentiality ensures that you can speak from the heart at an Al-Anon meeting, because everything said at the meeting stays at the meeting. You don t have to worry that someone from the Al-Anon meeting will approach you in a public place and start discussing your personal, confidential problems. Al-Anon members report improved well-being According to the 2012 Al-Anon Membership Survey, 94 percent of Al-Anon members reported that their lives have been very positively affected by their membership in Al-Anon. Complete results from the Membership Survey are available on the For Professionals page of Al-Anon s Web site at AFA2015 9

12 Therapist helps the mother of an alcoholic understand powerlessness Ed Hughes, MPS, LICDC Portsmouth, Ohio In working with the families of alcoholics, I provide education about alcoholism as a disease, how the disease progresses, the process of hitting bottom, the impact of the disease upon the family, and how someone can recover. There eventually comes that moment when a family member tries to change the way they respond to the alcoholic s behavior, only to find that this change is much more difficult than anticipated. A mother of an alcoholic said that she had decided to say no to her son s next request for money. When the request came, she was surprised that she said yes. She said she was aware that her help was really hurting him; that the money was going to alcohol; that the promise she extracted from him, that this would never happen again, was not going to be kept; and that she was going to feel awful afterwards. Knowing all this, however, she still gave him the money. This was my opportunity to introduce her to a word she thought only applied to the alcoholic, powerlessness. I told her that she was powerless to say no. She responded by asking, If I am powerless, then how am I ever going to say no and stop enabling? I said, That is what Al-Anon is for, to help you do the right thing for yourself and your son. In my 32 years of providing counseling services, I have seen family members go to Al-Anon to find help for their addicted family members, but instead find help for themselves. Alcoholism thrives in an environment of secrecy and shame. Al-Anon is a powerful influence for families to break the silence that surrounds their family, while breaking the cycle of shame that fosters misunderstanding and a reluctance to seek help. For some family members, being in recovery has initiated changes that dramatically changed the role they were playing in perpetuating the 10

13 There eventually comes that moment when a family member tries to change the way they respond to the alcoholic s behavior, only to find that this change is much more difficult than anticipated. disease of alcoholism for their loved one, thus creating motivation for the alcoholic to recover. Other family members found a path to happiness, peace, and serenity, despite the continued drinking of their loved one. As a treatment professional, I realize that each person in recovery AFA2015 carries the hope and potential to help many others. The power of recovering Al-Anon members who share their stories with a newcomer far exceeds any power that I have ever witnessed in a professional treatment setting. In Al-Anon, I know they will receive acceptance, love, and guidance. 11

14 My biggest regret not going to an Al-Anon meeting sooner Scott D., Colorado One of my biggest regrets in life is that I didn t get help years sooner. I was afraid that I would walk into an Al-Anon meeting and a friend or neighbor, or perhaps a colleague, might be there. I didn t want anyone to know there was a problem with alcohol in my family. I was embarrassed because I thought my wife s drinking reflected poorly on me. I was so paralyzed by the thought that someone I knew would find out my secret that the obvious eluded me that anyone who would be at an Al-Anon meeting would also be there because of a family member s drinking. I was embarrassed because I thought my wife s drinking reflected poorly on me. 12

15 My son was the alcoholic but my life was unmanageable Barbara K., Delaware Other people understood my life and what was happening. My son is an alcoholic and addict. No matter what I did, I could not control his drinking and drugging. How could I be so powerless over him when I had raised him all these years? I taught him to walk, talk, and not to run into the street without looking. I taught him to respect himself and others. I thought I had taught him to stay away from alcohol and drugs. By the time he entered college, I think I just buried my head in the sand and used the excuse that his party-boy ways were just how college guys were. It didn t stop with college it carried over into his adult life and mine. My life had become so out of control not knowing what condition I would find my son in when I got home. Every time he went out the AFA2015 door I wondered if he would be back. I was living my life through him and I was absolutely miserable. A counselor suggested I go to an Al-Anon Family Group meeting. I did go to one and then another and more after that. Finally, at my fifth meeting, I was able to stop crying long enough to really embrace what was being said. I wasn t alone. I wasn t the only person unable to control their situation. Other people understood my life and what was happening. Other people were just as powerless as I was, yet they were able to laugh and embrace happiness. Others had found what I needed the ability to admit I was powerless over alcohol and addiction and my life was unmanageable. There was hope for me. 13

16 I had lived in denial for so long I came to Al-Anon at the suggestion of a counselor. Apparently, I exhibited the traits of a child of an alcoholic. I had done much soul-searching, observing, and remembering my past, but I did not think of my parents as alcoholics. I also didn t see my husband as an alcoholic. I just didn t like that he said he needed to drink because of me and the kids. I went to my first meeting afraid that if they heard my story, they would tell me I didn t belong. Instead, I heard things I could relate to. One person practically described my relationship with my spouse and our home life. I had lived in denial for so long that I had little true awareness that alcoholism literally permeated generations of family members. It just wasn t something my family ever talked about. I will always be grateful to the counselor who suggested I go to Al-Anon. Recovery from the effects of someone else s drinking changed the course of my life. Gail D., Saskatchewan I went to my first meeting afraid that if they heard my story, they would tell me I didn t belong. 14

17 I can love my sister in spite of her choices Lynn B., Massachusetts I ve learned that I m not responsible for her choices. I love my older sister so much. I ve looked up to her all my life. I was devastated when I realized that her occasional drinking had turned into a daily habit that was ruining her health, her job, and her family. I ve done everything I can think of yell, beg, plead, cry, threaten, and give the silent treatment. She continues to drink and the only thing that is different is now she tries to hide it. AFA2015 In Al-Anon, I gradually acquired enough perspective to realize the difference between what I can be responsible for and what is beyond my control. I ve learned that I m not responsible for her choices. I ve learned that I can love her as my sister, but I can detach from her illness, which is beyond my control. That perspective helps me to live a peaceful life, even though my sister s life is chaotic. 15

18 If the Al Anon meeting is held at a church Al-Anon meetings include people of different religious understandings, as well as individuals without any spiritual beliefs. An Al-Anon meeting held in a church is not affiliated with that church. Al-Anon is a spiritual program, but it is not religious and is not affiliated with any church or religion, just as it is not affiliated with any other private or public organization. Al-Anon groups focus exclusively on issues related to helping the friends and families of problem drinkers. The location of the meeting place is irrelevant to the content and discussion at the meeting. No one in Al-Anon told me that the God of my understanding had to be affiliated with a specific religion. I ve come to understand the difference between spirituality and religion, and that Al-Anon is a spiritual program, not a religious one. Susan H. W., FL What is the difference between open and closed meetings? An open meeting welcomes guests, students, and interested professionals who want to learn by observing an Al-Anon meeting. Observers attending open Al-Anon meetings are requested to abide by the principles that guide participation in all Al-Anon Family Group meetings, especially the principles of confidentiality and anonymity that protect its members. A closed meeting is for anyone who is troubled by someone else s drinking. Anyone concerned about someone else s drinking is welcome to attend any Al-Anon meeting, whether it is listed as open or closed. 16

19 How to find an Al Anon or Alateen meeting Call Al Anon ( ) or visit anon.alateen.org for meeting information. Al Anon may also be listed in your local telephone directory. On-line meetings and telephone meetings sometimes supplement, rather than replace, face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. They are also helpful for the homebound and for those who live in rural areas, as well as for travelers who can participate in a meeting from anywhere in the world. To find a list of electronic meetings, visit or send an to [email protected]. No appointments are necessary Anyone concerned about someone else s drinking is welcome to walk in and attend any meeting. AFA2015 There are no dues or fees Members make voluntary contributions because each group is self-supporting and declines outside contributions. Most groups pass a basket at each meeting to help cover its routine costs, such as renting the meeting room, supporting Al-Anon services, and buying literature. Contributions are optional. 17

20 18 I felt peace for the first time R. W. My husband s attempted suicide a month prior to my first Al-Anon meeting left me with feelings of guilt and anguish. However, at the first meeting I attended, I immediately felt peace for the first time. It was comforting to know that I am not the only one going through turmoil. It gave me hope that my situation could improve.

21 I didn t cause it, I can t control it, and I can t cure it! Daisy P., California It has been hard for me to live with being blamed for the alcoholic s inability to stay sober starting with my dad, then my husband, and now an adult child. Blaming me or being angry at me was a common thing. What was I doing wrong? Eventually, I would not get sucked into the alcoholic s blame game. As I worked the Al-Anon program, I began to see how much I had neglected myself. When I got past my own anger at what alcoholism had done to my life, I realized that happy, sad, drunk, or sober their recovery or lack of it was always on their shoulders, not mine. Attending Al-Anon meetings and listening to the experience, strength, and hope of other Al-Anon members helped me recover from my own AFA2015 distorted view of the perfect life I had envisioned once alcoholism was gone forever. It was a fantasy that I had created in my mind and gradually made it my goal to have. As distorted as it was, I hung on to that hope until I faced reality. There would be no perfect life in store for me. I learned to stop trying to find a solution to the alcoholic s dilemma. I grieved the loss of my dream and my concept of sobriety. I began to seriously work the Al-Anon program. My job was to take care of me and my responsibilities. Eventually, I would not get sucked into the alcoholic s blame game. Yes, it still hurts when my son says he hates me because of his alcoholism and all the problems alcoholism brings. But now I understand that it s not me he hates. My life may not be perfect, but once I grasped the Al-Anon program, my distorted view of life changed for the better. Life can be good! 19

22 20 At 16, I learned to take charge of my life By Stephanie, Washington My father drank away the first 16 years of my life. I grew up seeing my parents fighting all night long, and having to leave the house to stay safe. When I was little, I used to let things get under my skin really easily. Anything and everything bothered me. I was shy, introverted, and very self-conscious. I thought that everyone was whispering about me. I came to understand what my father was really doing to himself, to my family, and to me. In high school, I got involved with Alateen. It was a big step in my life. I came to understand what my father was really doing to himself, to my family, and to me. I understood that he could do what he wanted with his life, but I didn t have to let it influence my thoughts and actions. Knowing that helped me come out of my shell. I broke free and started to become the person I really wanted to be. In Alateen, I learned that no matter how much I love other people and want the best for them, my personal health has to come first. I need to take charge of my life nobody else s. Every day I am developing my character. I am becoming more outgoing. I m at the point where whatever people say to me or about me doesn t matter anymore. I don t have to let what they say affect me. I have learned to Let Go and Let God. Because of what I have been through, I have a greater appreciation for life. Every day is a new page, a new chapter. I live my life One Day at a Time.

23 How alcoholism affects the entire family Joe Herzanek, Addiction Counselor and author Boulder, Colorado My clients who attend Al-Anon meetings come to understand that they can have peace, regardless of their loved one s poor choices. Alcoholism is devastating to all members of the family. Family members may have watched someone they love turn into a stranger. They ask, How did this happen? Why didn t we see it sooner? Are we somehow to blame? How do we make it stop? What if we can t make it stop? Why won t this person listen to us? Can t they see what s happening to them? The list is long. From the shared experiences of Al-Anon members at meetings and in Al-Anon literature, the family learns that alcoholism is not their fault. With that understanding, some of the pressure is lifted. By attending Al-Anon meetings, my clients gain clarity and peace of mind, so that they can take positive action. Al-Anon supplements and reinforces the information I give my AFA2015 clients about alcoholism as a disease. My clients gain encouragement from attending Al-Anon meetings. The importance of this cannot be overstated. Doing what s best (which sometimes means doing nothing but allowing consequences to happen) is often extremely challenging. Al-Anon members help and play a special role because they are like-minded and share common experiences as a result of living with an alcoholic. My clients who attend Al-Anon meetings come to understand that they can have peace, regardless of their loved one s poor choices. Family members learn that recovery is a process that takes time. But they learn that they are not alone, and that help is available from the Al-Anon program. 21

24 I thought I was strong enough to deal with alcoholism on my own Cathy W., Michigan When my husband was in an inpatient addiction treatment facility, his counselor strongly advised me to attend Al-Anon. I obeyed, but not because I wanted to go to a meeting. I believed that people who went to Al-Anon were weak because they couldn t deal with their problems without support. I believed that I was a lot of things both good and bad, but not weak. I knew that if I were emotionally weak, I wouldn t have survived all the abuse that I suffered for so many years from my alcoholic husband. Today, I know for sure I am strong. I did need to be strong to survive everything that alcoholism did to my family. I went into Al-Anon kicking and screaming, believing that those people could not help me. I believed that the only thing I needed to be happy and safe was for my husband 22

25 I believed that the only thing I needed to be happy and safe was for my husband to stop drinking. to stop drinking. But when he stopped drinking, I still wasn t happy and I still didn t feel safe. I had a lot of resentment, anger, fear, and anxiety that didn t suddenly disappear when he stopped drinking. The disease of alcoholism had taken a toll on us both. After a few Al-Anon meetings, I realized that the Al-Anon members were strong in ways that I didn t expect, and I wanted the strength AFA2015 that I saw in them. They had suffered through the pain and abuse of alcoholism, like I did. They had the very same wounds, and they shared their recovery with me. We could help each other because we had so much common experience with the effects of alcoholism. So, as I continue to heal, I share my experience with those new to Al-Anon. We help each other that s what Al-Anon is all about. 23

26 Why the family members of alcoholics need Al-Anon Elizabeth Corsale, Marriage and Family Therapist San Francisco, California Al-Anon is a program that is enormously helpful in reminding family members that they cannot control everything, in spite of how hard they try. The partners and/or family members of alcoholics often ask, Why should I have to go to a meeting? This isn t my problem! Yet they quickly begin to realize how much, in fact, the problem of alcoholism is their problem too, and how much it has impacted their lives. I have found that Al-Anon can be an excellent supplement to psychotherapy. In Al-Anon, my patients can find support and insight from people who have also been affected by addiction. Al-Anon is a program that is enormously helpful in reminding family members that they cannot control everything, in spite of how hard they try. Al-Anon Family Groups support the process of helping individuals to focus on themselves and their own lives.

27 Statement of Purpose Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism was the title of Al-Anon s second book, published in This magazine (like that book) includes articles by Al-Anon members and treatment professionals who share their personal perspective on how Al-Anon Family Groups can help people troubled by someone else s drinking. Al-Anon cooperates with therapists, counselors, and other professionals, but does not affiliate with any organization or professional. Articles written by Al-Anon members do not speak for Al-Anon as a whole, but reflect only their own personal experience with Al-Anon Family Groups. Stories in this magazine present the personal experience of actual Al-Anon and Alateen members. In keeping with Al-Anon s tradition of anonymity, members full names are not used. Also, no one whose full face appears in this publication is a member of Al-Anon or Alateen. Al Anon Faces Alcoholism All rights reserved. Excerpts from this publication may be reproduced only with the written permission of the publisher. 2014, Al Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway, Virginia Beach, VA 23454; (757) ; fax (757) ; wso@al anon.org. Al Anon Family Group Headquarters (Canada) Inc. 275 Slater Street, Suite 900, Ottawa, ON K1P 5H9 (613) ; fax (613) ; wso@al anon.org

28 What can you do, when someone close to you drinks too much? You might be surprised at what you can learn at an Al-Anon meeting. For meeting information call AL ANON ( ) or visit anon.alateen.org Al-Anon may also be listed in your local telephone directory.