Addiction in the Family

Transcription

1 Addiction in the Family An ICAS guide to coping with a loved one s addiction Using this resource Addiction is not on only a self-destructive illness, in terms of health in general functioning, but its impact can be observed in the relationships of the addicted person. For the loved ones of the person battling with addiction, it can be hugely challenging knowing how to cope with the havoc that the addiction causes. This resource pack will explore the nature of addiction, what loved ones can do to help the addicted person with their illness and how, most importantly, loved ones can cope with the difficult task of being in relationship with an individual engaged in addictive behaviours. This should not be seen as a substitute for psychological advice and should you require additional professional guidance, you are encouraged to contact ICAS on your dedicated toll-free number. This manual includes the following sections: Subject Page number Introduction 2 Understanding addiction and recovery 2 The Jellinek curve 2 Signs and symptoms of addiction 3 What to do if you suspect your loved one has a problem 4 Confronting them 4 Planning a formal intervention 5 Guidelines for assisting a loved one with addiction 5 A final word: Expect difficulties and practice detachment 5 Getting support for yourself 5 Conclusion 5 An ICASassist.com resource Addiction in the Family Page 1

2 Addiction in the Family An ICAS guide to coping with a loved one s addiction Introduction Addiction and mental health disorders can drastically affect an individual s ability to live a positive, happy life. Substance abuse and behavioural addictions have the potential to destroy relationships and prevent an individual from being present for their family members and loved ones. Addiction and mental health disorders affect employment opportunities, advancements in education, financial stability and emotional health. In short, if addiction is a feature of your family life, it is better addressed than swept under the carpet. People with additive problems often think that they re hurting only themselves, but that is not always the truth. Almost invariably, family members and friends are deeply wounded by their loved one s addictive habits. These loved ones frequently question how they can help the addicted person with their problem. There are no easy answers to such questions but this resource pack will look at the problem of addiction and how people close to an addicted person can help their loved one and just as importantly themselves. An ICASassist.com resource Addiction in the Family Page 2

3 Understanding addiction and recovery People often think of addiction in absolute terms, but an addictive illness usually follows a process in which the person becomes increasingly dependent on their substance. As this happens, their addiction begins to cause problems in the addicted person s life in the form physical symptoms as well as work disruptions and family/social problems. One researcher, E.M. Jellinek, outlined the process in his writings. His contributions have been used extensively in helping addicts and their families understand the process of both addiction and recovery. See below for a graphic depiction of this process. The Jellinek Curve The curve depicted above depicts both the descent into alcoholism and a rise back to sobriety. Jellinek suggested that although there were exit points at each of these stages (i.e. the alcoholic could stop drinking), the majority of alcoholics would continue on to the chronic stage. It was at this stage, when physical, mental and social damage had occurred, that change would be most likely to occur. Of course, ideally your loved one would not have to hit rock bottom before engaging in the recovery process. But it can be hard to identify at what point they have gone from being in control of their substance use to out of control. Below are some guidelines for identifying signs that your loved one may have a problem with their substance use. An ICASassist.com resource Addiction in the Family Page 3

4 Signs and symptoms of addiction Some of the common symptoms of addiction are: z Tolerance - the need to engage in the addictive behaviour more and more to get the desired effect. This happens with a great many substances and even behaviours as the addict sensitises to the effect of the addiction and requires increasing amounts of the substance or activity to get the same level of soothing from it. z Withdrawal happens when the person does not take the substance or engage in the activity, and they experience unpleasant symptoms, which are often the opposite of the effects of the addictive behaviour z Difficulty cutting down or controlling the behaviour or substance use is a key marker that addiction may be at play. We all tend to engage in soothing activities, but whether we can go without or control the activities is what differentiates addiction from normal, temporary engagement in these kinds of behaviours. z Social, occupational or recreational activities become more focused around the addiction, and important social and occupational roles can be jeopardized when the preoccupation with the behaviour or activity takes precedence over all other activities. z The person becomes preoccupied with the addiction, spending a lot of time on planning, engaging in, and recovering from the addictive behaviour. Symptoms can only be experienced by the person with the addiction, whereas signs can be observed by other people. You can never know what someone else is experiencing unless they tell you, so if you are concerned that someone else may have an addiction, look for signs as well as for symptoms. You might see some signs in an addicted person but not others, making it difficult to determine whether the loved one s behaviour is a problem or not. The following are signs that occur across many, but not necessarily all, addictions: z Extreme mood changes happy, sad, excited, anxious; z Sleeping a lot more or less than usual, or at different times of day or night; z Changes in energy unexpectedly and extremely tired or energetic; z Weight loss or weight gain; z Unexpected and persistent coughs or sniffles; z Seeming unwell at certain times, and better at other times; z Pupils of the eyes seeming smaller or larger than usual; z Secretiveness; z Lying; z Stealing; z Financially unpredictable behaviour, often marked by having large amounts of money at times but no money at all at other times; z Changes in social groups, new and unusual friends, odd cell-phone conversations; z Repeated unexplained outings, often with a sense of urgency; z Drug paraphernalia, such as unusual pipes, cigarette papers, small weighing scales, etc. z Stashes of drugs, often in small plastic, paper or foil packages. (from An ICASassist.com resource Addiction in the Family Page 4

5 What do you do if you suspect your loved one has a problem? It can be challenging helping a loved one struggling with alcoholism, drug problems or other destructive behaviours. Below are some ideas for addressing the issue of addiction with a loved one you suspect may be suffering with such a problem. It can be challenging helping a loved one struggling with alcoholism, drug problems or other destructive behaviours. Below are some ideas for addressing the issue of addiction with a loved one you suspect may be suffering with such a problem. Confronting them Talking to the addict about your concerns in a non-threatening and non-judgemental way can sometimes be very effective. If you have a good relationship with the person and they are open to receiving help, then you can approach them about your concerns and the possibility of getting help. This does not mean one should incessantly badger them about getting clean and sober, but simply that they know you are there for them, that you are aware of their potentially addictive behaviours and that help is available for them if and when they want it. Planning a formal intervention Sometimes a direct, heart-to-heart conversation can start the road to recovery. But when it comes to addiction, a more focussed approach may be called for. You may need to join forces with others and take action through a formal intervention. An intervention is a carefully planned process involving family, friends and sometimes colleagues, religious leaders or others who care about a person struggling with addiction. During an intervention, these people gather together to confront the person about the consequences of addiction and ask him or her to accept help or treatment. In essence, the intervention: z Provides specific examples of destructive behaviours and their impact on the addicted person and loved ones; z Offers a prearranged treatment plan with clear steps, goals and guidelines; z Spells out what each person will do if a loved one refuses to accept treatment. An intervention is often used to penetrate the problem drinker s denial and help him to decide to seek treatment. It is a complicated and delicate process and, as such, family and friends should not try it on their own. Seek the help of a professional, such as a doctor, psychologist, or spiritual advisor, who has experience with such work. The timing of an intervention is also important - it is often best scheduled after a recent addictionrelated incident has occurred. Bear in mind, however, that these kinds of interventions are painful and do not always work. In some instances they might worsen the situation if the addicted person feels threatened and becomes more isolated and resistant to treatment. They should therefore be considered as a last resort to a desperate situation. An ICASassist.com resource Addiction in the Family Page 5

6 Guidelines for assisting a loved one with addiction Each situation is unique, but there are some general guidelines that will help you approach this task. 1. Take care of yourself: Being in a relationship with a person who has an addiction is often stressful. Accepting that you are going through stress and need help managing it is an important step in helping your loved one, as well as yourself. Keep in mind that you are not alone and try to remain hopeful. Accessing the support in your community will also be beneficial. This is discussed further below 2. Step back: As tempting as it is to want to roll up one s sleeves and rescue or confront your loved one with an addictive illness, it is preferable to remain neutral. Don t argue, lecture, accuse or threaten. 3. Don t make excuses: Don t make drinking easier for your loved one by lying to protect them from the consequences of their addiction. This will simply prolong the time it takes for them to admit they need help. 4. Don t blame yourself. Remember that you are not to blame for your loved one s addiction. They need to take responsibility for their addiction. 5. Be positive: Remember that an addictive illness is treatable. There are many forms of treatment, as well as support organisations, for those struggling with an addiction and for their loved ones. 6. Be proactive: Consider planning an intervention to help your loved one. 7. Focus your energies: You can encourage your friend/loved one to seek help for their illness, but you can t make them change. You can, however, make changes and positive choices for yourself. A final word: Expect difficulties and practice detachment There are many reasons why helping someone you care about with their addiction can be difficult. For instance, they may not agree that they have a problem, they may not want to change what they are doing and they may feel embarrassed and not want to discuss it with you. Furthermore, they may be engaging in their addiction as a way to avoid dealing with another problem that bothers them more. There is no fast and easy way to help someone with an addiction. Overcoming an addiction requires great willpower, determination and assistance and is therefore not likely to happen overnight. However you can take steps that will help your loved one to make changes over the long-term, and will help you to cope with having a loved one with an addiction in the interim. In the process of helping your loved one with their addiction it is also vital to practice detachment. The idea behind this is to separate yourself emotionally from the damaging effects of your relationship with the addict or alcoholic. It is not the same as abandoning the relationship. The idea is to care but not feel that you are responsible for them. Some writers in this field talk about this quite simply as detaching with love. This will mean that you don t get consumed by your addicted loved one s destructive behaviour. While this is not easy to do, it will get easier with time and practice. Essentially it involves: z Not doing things that they should do themselves; z Not bending over backwards to rescue them or save them from natural consequences; z Not covering up their mistakes or embarrassing situations; z Not rescuing them from a crisis or financial difficulty; z Not trying to fix them; z Not feeling guilt about them. Detachment is not about denying your emotions, but about choosing to control the intensity of your feelings, as well as your thoughts and actions. This is where membership of support groups can be useful as people in similar situations advise and encourage one another to cope well and not enable one s loved ones drinking or drug-taking. An ICASassist.com resource Addiction in the Family Page 6

7 Getting support for yourself If someone you love has an alcohol or drug problem, you may get the information and support you need from groups like Al-Anon (an AA spin-off for friends and family members of alcoholics), or Alateen (geared towards teenagers and pre-teens who are affected by the drinking of a parent or other close relative). These groups are free and open to the public and have frequent meetings in most towns. Similar support groups exist for relatives/ friends of people with drug problems and other addictive problems. Nar-Anon provides support for family and friends affected by drug abuse (see Resources below). Such groups may help you to better understand your loved one s addictive problem. Of particular importance is for loved ones to realise they are not responsible for the problem and that they also can t force their loved one to stop the addictive behaviours. These groups can also teach you effective ways to cope as your friend or family member faces the consequences of their addictive behaviour and, if all goes well, finds his or her way to recovery. Finally these groups help family members and friends of people with addictive behaviours to feel that they are not alone in facing such a difficulty. Conclusion Helping a loved one through the disease of addiction and its subsequent recovery is not easy. The disease of addiction affects the entire family and social circle of the addict. A big part of helping your loved one with his or her addiction is educating yourself about the disease. There are many services available to family members of addicts. Recovering from addiction is a recovery for the whole family and you can begin your recovery even if your loved one has not agreed to accept help yet. By helping to educate yourself you will develop the strength and knowledge necessary to help your loved one. Research shows that families who participate in the recovery of their loved one greatly increase the chances of their continued recovery from addiction. Resources z The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) publishes literature related to families and alcohol or drug addiction in hard, digital, and/or CD/DVD copies. SAMHSA is also an excellent source of substance abuse education. See: Prevention-Recovery/term/Family-Treatment- Approach z Al-Anon Family Groups provides support for family members and loved ones of problem drinkers in the forms of local and online meetings, podcasts, and various pieces of literature. The group also has Alateen, a special branch for teens dealing with family members who are problem drinkers. Nar-Anon provides support for families affected by family members with addictive drug problems. See and z The Sober Recovery Community provides an active online forum for the family members and friends of alcoholics and drug addicts. This message board covers everything from basic addiction support threads to reading suggestions and book studies. Of course, this isn t the only online support group for loved ones of addicts. See: friends-family-alcoholics/ If it doesn t feel like a good fit for you, try Googling for alternatives. z The Partnership at Drugfree.org Alliance Program, which is made up of nonprofit organizations as well as local and state government agencies, provides information on how to recognize substance abuse problems, how to intervene, and how the entire family can recover. Most of the Drugfree.org programs focus on parents dealing with teen substance abuse, but much of the information including the drug guide relates to all family members and loved ones of alcohol and drug users. See: z Community resources. Your community mental health centre is a great place to start looking for support for loved ones of addicts, but if you don t have one, try talking with facilitators of local Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous groups. You can even check with area substance abuse treatment facilities. An ICASassist.com resource Addiction in the Family Page 7