CHRISTMAS MUMMERS PLAY (Traditional)
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- Arlene Garrison
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1 CHRISTMAS MUMMERS PLAY (Traditional) Characters: The Presenter Father Christmas Old Bet Old Barleycorn Pickle Herring The Doctor Little Devil Doubt (Actors enter loudly, disturbing the proceedings) Open the door and let us in! We come your favor for to win! We Shall fight, and we shall fall, OLD THE OLD OLD and we shall try ALL to please you all! PRESENTER We come here to wish you cheer! Money in your pockets all this year. I'm the presenter sent before, and with my broom I'll clear the floor. Room! Make room, clear the way! Make some room to see our play! FATHER CHRISTMAS In comes I, Old Father Christmas. Hard times or not, Old Father Christmas will not be forgot. Old Father Christmas will not be forgot.
2 OLD In comes I, Old Bet, as ugly as can be. Now every man within this place must now be kissed by me! In comes I, Old Barleycorn, the best in all the land; I'll fight and I'll fall for the sake of you all, If I can only stand! In comes I, Mister Pickle Herring, for to join this dance. I had to wear my granny's nightdress, 'cause I couldn't find my pants! I am the doctor, pure and good, and with my pills, I'll stop the blood, Old Barleycorn, the play's begun; let's fry this hare and have some fun. We'll beat it and whale it and cut it in slices, and take an pot and boil it with spices. We'll fry this hare! We'll boil it, I said! Fry it! Boil it! We'll fry it, and no more be said; for if you dare to boil this hare, with my pan, I'll crack your head! My head's of iron! My neck's made of steel! You can crack all you want, but you can't make me feel! I'll cut your old coat full of holes and make the buttons fly!
3 I ll cut you small as little flies and use you to cook my mince pies! I'll make your blood run cold as clay; I'll fry you, and throw this hare away! OLD FATHER CHRISTMAS Now, Old Bet, see what you've done! You've killed our own beloved one! Horrible! Terrible! See what I've done! I've cut him down like the evening sun! PRESENTER Is there a doctor to be found to cure this deep and deadly wound? Is there a doctor near at hand to heal him again and make him stand? Whoa! Whoa! Hold my horse, Pickle Herring. Will he kick? Will he bite? Does it take two to hold him? Hold him yourself then. What's that, you sassy rascal?
4 I've got him, sir! What's your fee, Doc? OLD Eleven guineas, nine pounds, nineteen shillings, eleven pence, three farthings, six pecks of gingerbread for me, and six loaves of oats for my horse. That's too much. Forget the gingerbread, and the oats. OLD Whoa, Whoa!! I'll give you a bale of water and a bucket of hay. What can you cure? OLD The itch, the stitch, the stone, the bone, the young, the old, the hot, the cold, the measles, the wheezles, the spots, the gout, and if there's nineteen devils in, I can bring twenty out. Here, dose him with this bottle. What's in it? OLD Three quarts of nim-nam, one ounce of brains from a saw-horse, one pound of marrow out of a stool's leg, one pint of pigeon's milk, strained through a side of sole leather, stewed in an old sow's horn, and stirred with a frog's feather. I'll hold his head, you dose him. OLD Good morning to you all! A-sleeping I have been, and I've had such a sleep as the like was never seen; but now I'm alive, and well unto this day; so let's have a little dance, and end this silly play!
5 DEVIL DOUBT In comes I, Little Devil Doubt! If you don't give us money, I'll sweep you all out! It's money we want, and money we crave! If you don't give us money, I'll sweep you to your grave! SONG We are not London actors, Who act upon the stage. But we are jolly plowboys, Who work for little wage. Love and Joy come to you, And to you a wassail too. May God bless you and send you a happy new year, May God send you a happy new year!
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