Things to Consider and Do Before Death Occurs

Transcription

1 Things to Consider and Do Before Death Occurs Most often, the moment that death occurs takes us by surprise. Even when someone is ill, we usually do not know precisely when death will come. But sometimes we know that death is imminent, and we have the opportunity to prepare emotionally and begin to make funeral plans. Visiting the Sick - Bikur Cholim Visiting the sick (Bikur Cholim) is an essential Jewish practice. Considered a mitzvah, a visit to the ill brings hope and companionship to someone who is suffering from illness. Visiting the terminally ill is a difficult task, but an especially important one. Those who are dying need to know they are not alone or abandoned and that their lives still have meaning even if they are soon to pass on. When visiting the ill in the hospital, it is important to be aware of official visiting hours and any restrictions on visiting. Whether visiting in the hospital, nursing home, rehabilitation center or someone s private home, it is always important to check that the ill person wishes to be visited and knows when to expect a visit. Hospice Care Hospice care is appropriate when a cure to illness is no longer possible and comfort and support, offered with a holistic and natural approach, are desired. Electing hospice care reflects an acceptance that the end of life is near. There are many options available for hospice care, including Jewish hospice. Jewish hospice care offers the special dimension of caregivers who are trained to be sensitive to Jewish traditions and values such as observance of the Sabbath and the dietary laws, a person s Jewish background 3

2 and history, and cultural differences such as language and the celebration of Jewish holidays. Jewish hospice services are offered by the St. Barnabas Hospice Palliative Care Center (contact information is listed in the back of the booklet). Living Wills and End of Life Decisions Every adult ought to prepare a living will, a document sometimes called an advance directive. The purpose of a living will is to enable us to state our intentions, in writing, regarding end of life decisions in anticipation of being in a situation in which we cannot communicate our wishes. A living will is often accompanied by a document called a health care proxy which authorizes someone who knows our wishes to speak for us when we cannot speak for ourselves. The Committee on Jewish Law and Standards of the Rabbinical Assembly has an authorized version of a living will for Conservative Jews (copies are available from the rabbi). Living wills generally need to be witnessed when signed but not notarized. If possible, a living will should be completed in advance of becoming ill. Making decisions about heroic, life-preserving measures when death is near can be emotionally difficult, whether for ourselves or for our loved ones. Some may want to seek advice before making such decisions. The rabbi can be especially helpful in explaining the Jewish perspective on end of life decisions. Organ Donation It is considered a mitzvah to be an organ donor. Donating one s organs can literally save the lives of others. Allowing organs to be removed from a body is not considered to be a violation of the prohibition against nivul ha-met (desecrating the body), as it is being done to save a life. 4

3 When obtaining a driver s license, one may indicate a willingness to be an organ donor upon death. One may register to be an organ donor by visiting Opinions differ as to whether or not written authorization to be an organ donor is required. Some hold that a deceased person no longer has legal control over his body and that next of kin may allow the donation of organs without written authorization to do so. Others hold that no organs may be donated without written consent. It is best to provide written consent to have one s organs donated by carrying an official donor card or by declaring one s intention in a living will. Since Jewish law stipulates that human beings should be buried in the ground, including body parts, it is considered appropriate to request that those to whom we donate organs agree to in ground burial when they die. Cremation Cremation is absolutely forbidden by Jewish law, which requires that the body be returned to our Creator through a natural organic process of decomposition. It is for this reason that kosher caskets are made completely of wood and contain no metal parts or fasteners, and that the use of certain types of concrete grave liners or lead lined vaults is also prohibited. A kosher concrete grave liner is available when one is required by the cemetery, and is actually less expensive than a solid one. Furthermore, in the post-holocaust era, it should be considered especially abhorrent to cremate a Jewish body. There are times when the deceased has stipulated a desire to be cremated. Efforts should be made before death to persuade the individual to change his mind. If the deceased has made a firm 5

4 decision to be cremated which the family cannot or is unwilling to change, then the clergy will officiate at the funeral provided that the body of the deceased is present in a casket at the place of the funeral service and that cremation is scheduled to take place after the funeral. The clergy will not officiate at a funeral service at which an urn filled with ashes is present, or at a service at which ashes are cast. Choosing a Jewish Funeral Service Provider The funeral service provider you choose can be called at any time of day or night. If you call after business hours, an answering service will relay your message quickly and you will receive a call back from a staff member. The funeral service provider will organize all the details of the funeral, from the moment of death until the end of the burial service. If the deceased lived locally but will be buried out-of-state, the local funeral home will arrange to work with one of its out-of-state partners (see below for more information on out-of-state funerals). Oheb Shalom does not recommend a specific Jewish funeral home. Any of the local Jewish funeral homes will plan appropriate and dignified funeral and burial services that honor the Jewish tradition. Pre-planning a Funeral Many people choose the option of pre-planning, and sometimes pre-paying, for a funeral. Pre-planning includes choosing a burial place, and making decisions about the funeral and burial. The advantages of pre-planning are clear: when death occurs, a loved one need only call the funeral service provider who will, in turn, implement all the decisions that have already been made. In addition, it can be difficult for some to make important decisions 6

5 about planning a funeral in a very short period of time and under heavy emotional pressure. Funeral service providers typically do not offer a discount for preplanned funerals, though pre-paid funeral home charges are locked in no matter how many years pass before the arrangements are needed. The funeral home cannot guarantee that outside charges, specifically cash disbursements such as grave workers fees or newspaper costs, will not go up. Pre-paying for a funeral, as well as a burial plot, may relieve surviving family members of the burden of making such a significant financial transaction in so short a period of time. (See the section below on decisions to make when planning a funeral if pre-planning is chosen.) Choosing a Cemetery and Purchase Plots It is possible to choose a cemetery and purchase burial plots without pre-planning the funeral. The choice of a cemetery is a personal one and is often influenced by family tradition and personal preference. It is customary for Jewish people to be buried in a Jewish cemetery, often in a family plot. Jewish cemeteries only permit burials of Jewish people. Intermarried couples can opt to purchase plots in non-sectarian cemeteries. Oheb Shalom Congregation has had over a century of affiliation with the Oheb Sholom Cemetery Association, located in Hillside, New Jersey, where many deceased members of the congregation and prominent individuals are interred. Plots in the cemetery are available to congregation members and non-members like, with members receiving a discount on the purchase of any plot. To 7

6 purchase a plot, contact Bob Sochor, Secretary of the Association (contact numbers are listed in the back of this booklet). Purchasing cemetery plots prior to death is not mandatory, but may be desirable as doing so relieves family members of the burden of making such an important choice in so short a period of time. Meeting with the Rabbi If a loved one is about to die, it is a good idea to meet with the rabbi to discuss a wide range of issues, including dealing with grief and loss and the Jewish traditions surrounding funerals and mourning. Meetings with the rabbi can be arranged directly with him or through his secretary. Meeting with Family Members Decisions concerning end of life matters and funerals should be made together with other family members who can help decide how things should be done. While it can be difficult for family members to agree on all funeral planning matters, it is usually best to communicate with relatives who share the responsibility to make important decisions. This is especially important as the death of a loved one should be a time for family members to unite and draw closer, rather than quarrel over funeral or shiva arrangements. 8