The Whole Brain Child:

Transcription

1 The Whole Brain Child: Strategies to Nurture Your Child s Developing Mind By: Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. & Tina Payne Bryson Ph.D. Samantha Coon MSW, LCSW October 17, 2016

2 Parenting with the Brain in Mind Survive AND Thrive: Watch for ways to take the difficult parenting moments when you re simply trying to survive, and turn them into opportunities for your children to thrive. Integration = Health and Success: The brain performs at its best when its different parts work together in a coordinated and balanced way. An integrated brain results in improved decision-making, better control of body and emotions, fuller self-understanding, stronger relationships, and success in school. The River of Well-being: The more integrated our kids are, the more they can remain in the river of well-being, avoiding the bank of chaos on one side, and the bank of rigidity on the other.

3 Left Brain, Right Brain: An Introduction Left Brain: Loves and desires order! It is logical, literal, linguistic (it likes words), and linear (it puts things in a sequence order). The left brain loves that all four of these words begin with the letter L. It loves lists! Right Brain: Is holistic and non verbal, sending and receiving signals that allow us to communicate, such as facial expressions, eye contact, tone of voice, posture and gestures. Instead of details and order, our right brain cares about the big picture - the meaning and feel of an experience.

4 Strategy #1- Connect & Redirect Step 1: Connect with the Right: When kids are experiencing big emotions, they re operating from their right brain. Logic, language, telling them it isn t so bad, trying to distract them none of these strategies will work because they re left-brain strategies. Instead, use your right brain to connect, to tune in to their emotions, to resonate with your child acknowledge their feelings. Then and only then -

5 Strategy #1- Connect & Redirect Step 2: Redirect with the Left: Use simple logic and language to suggest solutions to their problems. The authors caution that this does not mean permissiveness, that it takes practice to get good at this strategy, and that you have to maintain your own calm.

6 Strategy #1- Connect & Redirect Application: Listen first, then repeat how the child is feeling. At the same time use your non verbal communication to comfort. Empathetic facial expressions, hand on shoulder, etc., are powerful tools to calming emotions. Then redirect through problem solving and depending on the circumstance, discipline and boundary setting.

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8 Strategy #2-Name it to Tame it When big right brain emotions are raging out of control, help the child tell the story about what is upsetting them. In doing so, they will use their left brain to make sense of their experience and feel more in control. Application: Ask lots of questions: Did you not notice that swing coming at you? Or What happened after that? It can be helpful to make a book with drawings or photos to retell an upsetting story, or to prepare the student for something they are dreading or worrying about.

9 Strategy #2-Name it to Tame it When a child experiences painful, disappointing, or scary moments, it can be overwhelming, with big emotions and bodily sensations flooding the right brain. When this happens, we as parents can help bring the left hemisphere into the picture so that the child can begin to understand what s happening. One of the best ways to promote this type of integration is to help retell the story of the frightening or painful experience.

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11 Integrating Ourselves Think about your own integration Are you parenting too right brain? Do you get swept up into emotional floods of anger, frustration, etc.? Are you in a left brain emotional desert? You are so rigid in your reactions and struggle to read your child s emotions.

12 Building the Staircase of the Mind Integrating the Upstairs and Downstairs Brain The Downstairs Brain: develops early and is responsible for bodily functions like breathing, as well as strong emotional reactions like fight (anger), flight (fear), and freeze (fear). There is a small structure in the downstairs brain that the authors call the baby gate of the mind- it causes us to react emotionally without thinking. Sometimes this is good, especially when we feel passionate about someone or something, but it can get us into trouble when we react instead of respond to experiences that aren t life threatening.

13 Building the Staircase of the Mind Integrating the Upstairs and Downstairs Brain The Upstairs Brain: The top part of the brain, especially the area behind your forehead. This develops later in childhood and on into adulthood. It s the place where mental processes happen; good decision making, self understanding, emotional and bodily control, empathy, a sense of right and wrong, etc. All actions we hope kids will take require the upstairs brain, which isn t fully developed until a person s mid 20 s!!! But we can still exercise the upstairs brain by using the following strategies:

14 Strategy #3- Engage, don t Enrage First make sure you have applied step 1 of strategy 1, connecting with the right brain. Tune into their emotions, acknowledge their feelings. Then: Engage the student upstairs brain by asking them to consider and plan and choose, rather than triggering their downstairs brain, which is less about thinking and more about reacting.

15 Strategy #3- Engage, don t Enrage Application: Connect first. Avoid immediately saying the Because I said so! card. The upstairs brain is developing, so let it do it s job. Explain your reasons, invite questions, ask for alternative solutions and even negotiate. You re the authority and disrespect should not be tolerated, but you can encourage the student to come up with different approaches to learning a lesson. When we expect and facilitate more sophisticated thinking, we re less likely to get a reactive fighting response.

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17 Strategy #4- Use it or Lose it A strong upstairs brain balances out the downstairs brain, and is essential for social-emotional intelligence. So throughout the day, look for opportunities to help your child practice upstairs brain skills, such as:

18 Strategy #4- Use it or Lose it Making decisions: For toddlers, give choices about what to wear, what to drink, etc. For older kids, let them, with support and guidance make more difficult choices about conflicting schedules or desires. Don t rescue them, even if you can foresee that their choice might lead to their regret. However, help them to predict possible outcomes.

19 Strategy #4- Use it or Lose it Regulating Emotions and the Body: Be sure to model this yourself in all your interactions with your kids. Teach them calming techniques like taking deep breaths (smell the flower and blow out the birthday candles). Older kids can count to ten or take a mental time out.

20 Strategy #4- Use it or Lose it Self-Understanding: Ask kids questions that help them think about and reflect on their feelings, help them predict what they might feel in a new situation and how they might handle it. Also, model this for them by using self talk out loud, Hmmm. I seem to feel extra nervous. I wonder why? Maybe it s because I don t know what my boss will say when I ask for time off.

21 Strategy #4- Use it or Lose it Empathy: Ask kids questions about the feelings of others, about what someone s actions might suggest about how they feel, about what might make someone feel better, etc. Show compassion and empathy yourself.

22 Strategy #4- Use it or Lose it Morality: This isn t just knowing what s right and wrong but understanding how actions impact the greater good. We want our kids to do the right thing with compassion, kindness, and empathy not because someone s watching, but because they know right from wrong. The authors give examples of questions and situations to develop this

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24 Strategy #5- Move it or Lose it A powerful way to help a child regain upstairs-downstairs balance is to have them move their bodies. Movement changes brain chemistry, so when kids are near a breaking point and aren t connecting with their upstairs brain, get them moving to integrate their brain. The same is true for adults. Application: Connect when they are upset, then get them moving. Play a game, do a brain break, or try some yoga poses. Depending on the children, you may need to be more direct about what you re doing. Don t feel you need to hide or trick them into the strategy. Explain the strategy, then teach that we can actually control our moods to a significant extent.

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26 Conclusion Being a whole parent and offering whole brain living to kids by teaching them these strategies will have an impact on our and our children s lives now and in the future.