Make it Safe: Stepping Out of the Content to Ensure Safety
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- Darren Snow
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1 Make it Safe Make it safe to talk about almost anything Awareness: Are you ignoring or noticing the safety level of the participants in the dialogue. Awareness: Are you watering down the content to make it safe? (This strategy avoids the real problem) No pretending, sugarcoating, or faking
2 Make it Safe: Stepping Out of the Content to Ensure Safety EXAMPLE: Can we change gears for a minute? It would be good if we could both share what s working and what isn t working in this situation. My goal isn t to make you feel guilty, and I certainly don t want to become defensive. What I d really like is for us to come up with a solution that makes us both satisfied
3 Mutual Purpose and Respect Mutual Purpose The Entrance Condition You know that I care about your goals. Mutual Respect The Continuance Condition You know that I care about you.
4 Make it Safe When purpose is at risk, the conversation evolves into a debate MUTUAL PURPOSE means that others perceive that we are working toward a common outcome in the conversation MUTUAL PURPOSE means that we care about their goals, interests, and values (vice versa) MUTUAL PURPOSE is the entry condition of dialogue
5 Make it Safe: Mutual Purpose MUTUAL PURPOSE: Do you trust the other person s purpose so you are willing to listen to tough feedback? Crucial conversations often go awry not because of the content of the conversation, but because others believe that the painful and pointed content means that you have a malicious intent. How can a person feel safe when they believe you re out to do them harm?
6 Make it Safe: Mutual Purpose Watch for signs that Mutual Purpose is at risk. When others start focusing their opinions into the pool of meaning (I must win) Defensiveness, hidden agendas, accusations, circling back to the same topic Do others believe I care about their goals in this conversations? Do they trust my motives?
7 Make it Safe: Mutual Purpose Remember the Mutual in Mutual Purpose The purpose has to be truly mutual. If the goal is to get our way or manipulate others, safety will be destroyed. What do I want for me? What do I want for others? What do I want for the relationship?
8 Make it Safe: Mutual Purpose Look for the Mutuality Example: Let s say you ve got a boss who frequently fails to keep commitments. How could you tell the boss you don t trust him? If the boss s behavior is causing you to miss deadlines he cares about, or incur costs he frets over, or lose productivity that he worries about, then you re onto a possible Mutual Purpose.
9 Make it Safe: Mutual Purpose Try to see the other person s point of view, you can often find a way to draw the other person willingly into even very sensitive conversations.
10 Make it Safe: Mutual Respect Disrespect: The instant people perceive disrespect in a conversation, the interaction is no longer about the original purpose it is now about defending dignity. Rolling eyes sarcasm
11 Make it Safe: Mutual Respect Telltale signs Emotions turn from fear to anger Pouting Name-calling Yelling Threats Do others believe I respect them?
12 Make it Safe: Mutual Respect Can you respect people you don t respect? Honor and regard another person s basic humanity Look for ways that we are similar Respect doesn t mean acceptance or agreement with other s behavior.
13 Make it Safe: Mutual Respect and Mutual Purpose When either is at risk, what do I do? DON T IGNORE IT Apologize Focus on what you really want When you have made a mistake that has negatively effected others This means giving up saving face, being right, or winning
14 Make it Safe: Mutual Respect and Mutual Purpose When either is at risk, what do I do? DON T IGNORE IT Contrast (Need a don t/do statement) Addresses others concerns that you don t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose (don t part) I don t want to suggest that this Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (do part) I do want to be able to talk
15 Make it Safe: Mutual Respect and Mutual Purpose When either is at risk, what do I do? DON T IGNORE IT Commit to Seek Mutual Purpose Verbally agree to arriving at a solution that is mutually acceptable Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy What is the real purpose, we tend to confuse what we re asking for (strategy) with what we want (purpose) Invent a mutual purpose If you can t agree on a mutual purpose, invent one Brainstorm new strategies
16 Master My Stories Do you know how to stay in dialogue when you re angry, scared, or hurt? Master them or fall hostage to them How am I suppose to remember to do all this stuff especially when my emotions are raging?
17 She made me mad! You re sitting quietly at home watching TV and your mother-in-law walks in. She glances around and then starts picking up the mess you made a few minutes earlier when you whipped up a batch of nachos. This ticks you off. She s always smugly skulking around the house, thinking you re a slob. A few minutes later when your spouse asks you why you re so upset, you explain. It s your mom again. I was lying here enjoying myself when she gave me that look, and it really got me going. To be honest, I wish she would quit doing that. It s my only day off, I m relaxing quietly, and then she walks in and pushes my buttons
18 Stories Stories are Are interpretations of facts Explain what we see and hear Help use evaluate the situation Tell us what we should do about the situation Once told they take on a life of their own
19 Mastering My Stories: Retrace my path to action Notice your behavior ask: Am I in some form of silence or violence? Get in touch with your feelings ask: What emotions are encouraging me to act this way? Analyze your stories ask: What story is creating these emotions? Get back to the facts ask: What evidence do I have to support this story?
20 Master My Stories: Separate fact from story Regain emotional control by asking: Is this the only right emotional response to the situation? Questioning our feeling leads to questioning our stories Separate subjective conclusions from objective facts by asking: Can I see or hear this thing I m labeling a fact? Was it an actual behavior? Conclusions explain what you think not what actually happened. Watch for emotionally laden words by asking: What words carry an undertone of judgment or attributes? Less volatile descriptions allow for multiple interpretations.
21 Master My Stories Watch for 3 clever stories it s not my fault it s all your fault there s nothing else I can do
22 Master My Stories: Tell the rest of the story Tell the rest of the story What I am pretending not to notice my role in the problem? Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing? What do I really want? Am I rational? Am I reasonable? Am I decent? What would I do now if I really wanted to move forward?
23 STATE My Path 3 ingredients for speaking the upspeakable while maintaining respect: Confidence Humility Skill
24 STATE My Path Tools for talking about sensitive topics Share your facts Tell your story Ask for others paths Talk tentatively Encourage testing
25 STATE My Path Turn your attention from the topic to yourself Remember others have something to say, so listen Catch yourself before pushing too hard Hold to your belief; merely soften your approach
26 Explore Others Paths Clam up: refusing to speak our mind Blow up: speaking in an abusive or insulting manner Get to the source of fear and discomfort is the best way to return to dialogue
27 Explore Others Paths: Listening Skills Ask: Start by simply expressing interest in the other person s views. What s going on? I d really like to hear your opinion on this. Please let me know if you see it differently. Don t worry about hurting my feelings. I really want to hear your thoughts.
28 Explore Others Paths: Listening Skills Mirror: Increase safety by respectfully acknowledging the emotions people appear to be feeling to confirm feelings You say you re okay, but by the tone of your voice, you seem upset. You seem angry at me. You look nervous about confronting him. Are you sure you re willing to do it
29 Explore Others Paths: Listening Skills Paraphrase: As other begin to share part of their story, restate what you ve heard to show not just that you understand, but also that it s safe for them to share what they re thinking Let s see if I ve got this right
30 Explore Others Paths: Listening Skills Prime: If others continue to hold back, prime. Take your best guess at what they may be thinking and feeling. Say what you think they are most likely thinking Use only if the other tools haven t worked
31 Explore Others Paths: Listening Skills Agree: Agree where you do Disagreement typically is over only 5 10% of the facts and stories Build: If others leave something out, agree where you do, then build Compare When you do differ significantly, don t suggest others are wrong. Compare your two views.
32 MOVE TO ACTION Two Reasons for Failing to Put Ideas into Action Unclear expectations Inaction
33 Dialogue is not decision making Dialogue is a process for sharing meaning hence everyone is involved Because everyone is allowed to share their meaning doesn t mean then they are guaranteed to take part in making all the decisions Whoever is in the position of authority decides which method of decision making will be used.
34 Move to Action 4 Methods to Decision Making Command: decisions made by authority without involvement of others. Consult: Authority invites others to influence them before making a decision Vote: Used when selecting from a number of good options Consensus: Everyone honestly agrees to one decision.
35 Move to Action: 4 Questions Who cares? Who wants to be involved, don t involve those who don t care. Who knows? Who has the expertise you need to make the decision. Don t involve those who contribute no new information Who must agree? Involve those whose cooperation you might need in the form of authority or influence in any decision you make. How many people is it worth involving? Involve the fewest number of people that will still make for a quality decision.
36 Move to Action: 4 Element for Action Who? Assign a name to every responsibility Does What? Define the exact deliverable. By When? Set deadlines How will you follow-up? Set up an accountability process. When someone fails to deliver on a promise, it s time for dialogue.
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