Chapter 2: Responsible Assertion

Transcription

1 Chapter 2: Responsible Assertion 1. Respect 2. Directness 3. Honesty 4. Appropriateness 5. Body Language 1. Respect for others and self Respect Not Deference Respect is honoring basic human rights. Deference is the unquestioning approval of what others think or do regardless of knowledge/experience simply on the basis of being older, more powerful, or richer. Self-Respect and Self-Caring Set limits on what you re willing to do for others. Evaluate situations to distinguish imaginary fears from the genuine possible consequences and deal realistically with alternatives instead of getting overwhelmed by them. Be realistic about what you can accomplish. Don t let yourself get so outraged that you hurt others and consequently disappoint yourself. Allow yourself to feel good about small gains in skills. Forgive yourself for reverting back to more familiar passive or aggressive behavior. 1

2 The Balancing Act: Respecting Self and Others Example: Dissatisfied with the paint job on the garage Aggressive Example You ve done a sloppy job of sanding the door. I m paying you good wages, and I expect good work. Do it right for a change. Implies that the painter is lazy and dumb. Even if they appears incompetent by your standards, that s not really relevant. What is relevant is that you are dissatisfied with the work and want it redone. It also shows no respect for the other person (the painter). Passive Example Keeping silent about your dissatisfaction, or I know you know your trade a lot better than I do. But these spots over there aren t they kind of rough? Shows no respect for yourself. Assertive Example There are parts of the garage door that are still rough I d like those sanded down more before you put the primer on. Shows respect for yourself and respectful correcting the painter s right to be corrected without being put down. 2. Directness Communicate feelings, beliefs, and needs directly. Hinting is indirect and nonassertive. I.e. yawning when friends stay longer than you want. When people don t take our hints, we usually get angry. I.e. Why should I have to tell him to take out the garbage; he should know! or Why should I have to tell her what I want; if she really cared about me she d know and do it without my asking! This is expecting others to mindread and gives the other person all the decision-making power. Others often don t know what we want because we haven t asked for it. Aggressiveness can be indirect because it often does not clearly communicate what someone is upset about or wants. The message the receiver often gets is not the one that the aggressive person is trying to send. The receiver often gets stuck on this message and then never figures out what the aggressor wants. 2

3 3. Honesty Assertive Honesty Expressing yourself in ways that accurately represent your feelings, opinions, etc. without putting down yourself or others in the process. It s not saying everything. Nonassertive Honesty Expressing yourself by cutting yourself down. I.e. Job applicant when asked why they applied for the job, said, This is the only job I heard about, so I applied. Nonassertive Dishonesty Lying. I.e. Saying you don t mind chatting when really you re tired. Aggressive Honesty Saying what you think without considering the effect. I.e. If I was as fat as you, I d go on a diet. Aggressive Dishonesty Using your anger to cover up less personally acceptable feelings, such as hurt, worry, affection. This often happens when you are only aware of your immediate anger and not the secondary feelings. I.e. No, I m not hurt. I m angry! Honesty/Dishonesty Assertive Honesty Nonassertive Dishonesty I m worried that with our different tastes in furniture, we ll never be able to find anything we both agree on. I guess that couch is nice, but I don t think that you really like it. So, let s not get it. Aggressive Dishonesty How could you possibly like that couch? You have absolutely no taste in furniture. You d better leave all furniture decisions to me. 3

4 4. Appropriateness The context, whether assertive or otherwise, includes the: Location where Usually private vs. public. Timing when I.e. Not when the other person is absorbed in another activity (watching a football game). How much take time for emotional discussions I.e. Don t start when on your way out the door. As soon as possible I.e. Tell the waiter immediately you re in a hurry instead of waiting until halfway through the meal. Consider your emotional state I.e. Give yourself time to sort out your reactions. 4. Appropriateness (continued) The context, whether assertive or otherwise, includes the: Intensity (firmness) Become increasingly firm when others persistently ignore your assertions and violate your rights. Frequency Use repetition to emphasize a point, but don t overuse. I.e. Overuse of I want statements can give the impression of being only interested in what you want. Nature of the relationship. Don t use the same statements with everyone. I.e. You might say no thanks, with no explanation to a phone solicitor, but not without an explanation with a co-worker asking you to cover their desk while they take a break, or to a friend who asks to get together. 4

5 5. Body language It s not only what we say, but how we say it that affects how we come across and how others react to what we say. Body language is up to 80% of what we communicate. Consider how saying I don t agree with you, communicates different messages depending on body language. Body Language Face flushed with anger, shaking head disgustedly from side-to-side, contemptuous tone of voice. (Aggressive) Body Language Message I don t agree with you, Push me and you re in big trouble. Even tone of voice, direct eye contact, speech pattern is expressive. (Assertive) Ingratiating tone of voice, hand covering mouth, averted eyes. (Nonassertive) I mean what I say, I don t agree with you. I don t have any right to say this. Disagree with me and I ll feel stupid and crumble. Assessing Your Body Language--Awareness Assertive body language Congruent (matches) with what s being said verbally, adds strength and emphasis to what s being said, and is generally self-assured. Aggressive body language Conveys an exaggerated sense of self-importance, overbearing, strength, and/or an air of superiority. Passive body language Conveys weakness, anxiety, and lack of self-confidence. Softens the impact of what is being said verbally to the point that the verbal message loses most of its power. This is particularly true when the person s verbal message and body language are in conflict with each other. For example, laughing when saying, I m really angry with you. In general, when there is such a discrepancy between a verbal message and a body language message, the body language message is taken more seriously. 5

6 Eye Contact Assertive Comfortably direct Aggressive Looking down nose Nonassertive Looking away/down Open, frank, relaxed Staring off into distance with bored expression Blinking rapidly Facial Expression Assertive Open, frank, relaxed Aggressive Clenching teeth Flaring nostrils Jutting jaw Pursed, tight-lipped mouth Nonassertive Constant smiling Smiling, laughing, or winking when expressing irritation Biting or wetting lips Swallowing or clearing throat Tensing and wrinkling forehead 6

7 Voice/Speech Expression Assertive Appropriately firm Appropriately warm Aggressive Overly rapid Deadly quiet Nonassertive Overly soft Mumbled Expressive, emphasizing key words Clear Overly loud or strident Sarcastic or condescending Whiney Monotone Overly slow Gestures Assertive Well-balanced Standing/sitting erect Relaxed Hand gestures, emphasizing key words Aggressive Pounding fists Standing/sitting stiff and rigid Finger wagging Shaking head as if other person isn t to be believed Hands on hips Nonassertive Covering mouth or lower face with hand Constantly shifting weight Excessive head nodding Fidgeting with clothing, jewelry, or hair Scratching or rubbing head Wringing or rubbing hands Wooden body posture 7

8 2 Ways of Changing Your Body Language 1. Become aware of and change negative thoughts about yourself that can cause you to use less effective body language. 2. Give yourself simple instructions, such as, Look at the other person, or Relax and stop frowning. Practice better eye contact by looking at yourself in a mirror and practicing assertive statements. 8