Understanding Grief. A guide for the bereaved, family and friends. The road may be difficult but we do not have to travel it alone.

Transcription

1 Understanding Grief A guide for the bereaved, family and friends The road may be difficult but we do not have to travel it alone.

2 Grief... the response to loss Grief can be described as the human experience in response to loss. Following the death of a loved one, it is very natural to grieve. An individual may grieve not only the loss of the person, but also the hopes, dreams, needs and expectations of that person; not only what is lost in the present, but what is lost for the future as well. SERVICES To learn more about the services of the Delta Hospice Society, visit our website at How one experiences grief is unique and each person must work through their own personal journey of loss. The intensity of grief will depend upon many different factors and each person will have a different experience. It is helpful to accept the variety of feelings as they are and not judge ourselves or let ourselves be judged by others. For some, grief and loss involve a spiritual dimension. Whatever a person s religious beliefs and life experiences are, grief may produce questions that have an inherently spiritual quality such as the meaning of life, the purpose of our own existence and the reason for death. Grief involves one s whole being: body, mind and spirit. 3

3 Responses to Grief We express our grief through our feelings, thoughts and behaviours and our bodies may react with physical symptoms. It is not uncommon to experience some or all of the following responses, which are all normal reactions to loss. Feelings Anger Anxiety Being Overwhelmed Guilt Fear Irritability Loneliness Numbness Relief Sadness Vulnerability Yearning Anticipatory Grief Many people begin to grieve before a death occurs. Grief may begin at the onset of an illness or as a result of losses from natural aging, loss of independence, change or separation when someone moves into a care facility or hospital. There may be a grief response to loss with each change in an illness. The grief experienced before a death does not necessarily make the grief after the death last a shorter amount of time. Grief Takes Time Thoughts Confusion Disbelief Forgetfulness Physical Symptoms Breathlessness Constipation Diarrhea Dry mouth Behaviours Avoiding situations Blaming Crying Poor concentration Preoccupation Reliving the death Headaches Insomnia Lack of energy Nausea Restlessness Sleeping too much Nightmares Slowed thinking Hallucinations Palpitations Sexual disturbances Tightness in chest Weight gain or loss Over/under eating Sleeping difficulty Withdrawal The changes in our life created by the death of a loved one or friend may continue long after the death. There is no set timetable. Be aware that some may expect us to be over our grief in a relatively short period of time and others may be worried or upset that we are not grieving the way they would expect us to grieve. The intensity of our grief will depend on factors such as our relationship with the deceased and whether the death occurred after a long illness or was a sudden death. We can expect intense grieving to come and go over a year or longer. It is important to give ourselves permission and time to grieve in our own way and our own time so that healing can occur. Abuse of Substances (alcohol, drugs, prescription medications) 4 5

4 Healing is a Process Working through grief is a process and it is normal to move back and forth through the process over time. Accepting the reality of the loss: Shock and disbelief is usually the first thing people feel at the news of the death of a loved one. Shock, numbness and denial are responses that protect us when reality is too much to accept. We may be unable to concentrate, forget what we are doing and be unable to make decisions. Experiencing the pain of the loss: As we become acutely aware of the reality of death, we begin to feel the pain of loss. This realization may cause extreme anxiety and feelings of hopelessness and/or helplessness. The intensity of feelings can be frightening; however, the distress caused by the death is seldom continuous. Waves of grief may come and go - some people describe the process of grieving as an emotional roller coaster. Emotions surface at unpredictable times and may be heightened further by special occasions. While it is normal to try and avoid the pain, feelings should not be suppressed. They should be recognized and expressed, as they are part of the painful process of saying good-bye. Crying is a common response and is a healthy way of releasing emotion. Reinvesting in life: As we work through the pain of our grief, we will begin to have more energy and the desire to re-connect with others. With time, we will find we want to get involved with friends and activities and will start to experience pleasure. Your Own Well Being - What Helps... The process of grieving is hard work. It takes self-awareness, courage and openness. It may be a time of extreme exhaustion as so much energy is taken up in processing all that is happening. Accept how you feel Give yourself permission to grieve and allow your feelings to surface, knowing that this is part of the grieving process. Find a way to express your feelings Talking about what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or relative may be helpful. Other strategies include exercise or other physical releases, writing out your feelings in a journal or using creative expression through art /and or music. Look after your physical needs Try to get 7-9 hours of sleep each night and eat 3 meals a day (or small healthy snacks). Walk or exercise on a regular basis. Check with your doctor about any persistent physical concerns. Delay making major decisions If possible, it is a good idea to delay decisions about moving, relationships, work and financial matters for at least a year as your grief may distort or impair your judgment. Spend time with others and/or seek additional support Friends can be a source of support and comfort. Let them know when you want to spend time with them. If family and friends are not able to provide support that you need, consider asking for help from a professional grief counsellor, member of your faith community or other bereavement resources listed in this booklet. 6 7

5 Children Grieve People often believe that children do not grieve or their grief is forgotten because parents are overwhelmed with their own grief. However, a death can be even more difficult and frightening for children, especially if adults do not explain truthfully to children what is happening. Children may express their feelings in a different way than adults. Younger children may act out, become difficult to handle, have nightmares or become withdrawn. This behaviour is all a normal response to their grief and loss. It is helpful to share our feelings of sadness and loss with children in the family and to explain as much about the facts as they can understand at their age. Encouraging children to express their feelings about the person who died helps them to understand their loss and to trust their caregiver s support. Grieving children need a secure environment and need to be reassured they are not responsible for the death. Children can be supported in participating in any funeral or memorial services and family gatherings if possible. As long as children are old enough to feel, they are old enough to grieve. Art, play and open responses to their grief when it is shown are all helpful. Children may need to grieve again with a significant loss as they age and developmentally need to process its effects in new ways. How to Help Someone Who is Grieving Express your sorrow: Sending a note or visiting in person is very comforting. It is helpful to remember to use the name of the person who died and include your own memories of times and experiences shared. Be present and listen: Being present can be one of the most helpful things you can do. People may need to express their thoughts and experiences about the illness, death and the deceased. Try not to make or give advice. By just being present and listening, people unload their burden and often discover or clarify their own choices. Avoid trying to make things better: Trying to protect people from their pain is not helpful. They need to feel safe and free to express uncomfortable feelings, to cry and to know that there are no expectations from others. Avoid making comments to try and make the person feel better. Offer practical help: Grieving people often become isolated because family and friends are uncomfortable dealing with grief. Offering practical support such as providing transportation, housecleaning or preparing a meal may be very helpful. Offer invitations for socialization: Invite the person to participate in activities with others. Gentle encouragement may be needed at first. It is important to let the person take part at his or her own pace until their energy and interests are renewed. 8 9

6 Community Resources If the support of family and friends is not enough, it is important to acknowledge this and ask for help. The following are some helpful resources. Harold & Veronica Savage Centre for Supportive Care in Delta Grief and loss programs for adults, teens and children include oneto-one support, group support, and professional counselling. The resource lending library has useful resources on grief and loss. Visit for more information on services and resources. Crisis Line Surrey (Serving North Delta) Richmond (Serving Ladner and Tsawwassen) Living through Loss Counselling Society Fee for service professional counselling focused on grief and loss issues. As there is no charge for any of the Centre or Outreach services, donations to the Delta Hospice Society are appreciated to help ensure services will be available for others. 100% of all our donations are directed towards services or capital assets. To donate, call , visit or mail a gift to: Delta Hospice Society 4631 Clarence Taylor Crescent Delta, BC V4K 4L8 S.A.F.E.R Suicide and follow-up education and resources, counselling & support for family of suicide victims. BC Bereavement Help-line A telephone service that helps connected the bereaved with support and resources in their own community (Province of BC only). Compassionate Friends (The) Information line to locate self-help groups and phone support for bereaved parents

7 Re-printed 2011