BEREAVEMENT MINISTRY

Transcription

1 BEREAVEMENT MINISTRY Fulfilling a part of God s Call to Evangelism, Discipleship, and Missions through the Local Church PASTORS CONFERENCE 2015 FIRST BAPTIST CHURCH Jacksonville, Florida

2 Notes

3 BEREAVEMENT MINISTRY Introduction Blessings and Challenges in Bereavement Ministry Personal Blessings and Challenges Participants Blessings and Challenges (An invitation for seminar participants to share) Pastoral Support Planning Funeral Services After the Funeral The Grief Process Definitions Tasks of Mourning Anticipated Loss Sudden or Traumatic Loss When Professional Help Is Needed Signs When Grieving Children Need Special Help Guidelines for the Survivor Suicide Grief Support Groups Web Sources and Books Additional Notes and Discussion Material

4 Introduction The death of a loved one is one of the most difficult times in the life of each of us. It doesn t take long in our ministries to realize that death is no respecter of persons. People die young and they die old. Many die after years of fighting a terminal illness, while others die tragically and unexpectedly. The results are grieving loved ones who are looking for answers and are in need of comfort. As ministers we seek to bridge the gap of loneliness and despair that our bereaved folks go through with hope in Jesus Christ. No matter what the size of your church is, each church needs to have a purpose and plan for ministering to those who are grieving the loss of a loved one. The Bereavement Ministry of our churches provides opportunity to answer the call of Christ for Evangelism, Discipleship, and Missions in a very meaningful and practical way for our church members who are mourning. Evangelism: Often ministers are called upon to officiate in funerals for folks who have no church. This invitation gives us a wonderful avenue while preparing for and conducting funerals to have an evangelistic witness to the lost. Many times in conducting funerals for our own members we encounter family members and family friends who are lost. This again opens the door for a one-toone witness and/or a witness through the funeral message. The godly life of a departed loved one gives a wonderful testimony of the power of a loving God in our lives. Every funeral should include the plan of salvation and a challenge to respond to God s call to salvation. Discipleship: The Bereavement Ministry of the church also gives support and encouragement to those who are already Christians and are facing challenging circumstances. Jesus taught us in His Great Commission in Matthew 28:19-20 to teach our folks to follow His teachings and to recognize His promise to be with us in all areas of our lives throughout our life time. Personal ministry of presence, support, and encouragement is not lightly valued. Reaching out to others is done out of a caring heart. It gives opportunity to represent Christ s love in a physical, tangible way. During these times of pain and sorrow the pastor becomes a visible reminder of God s presence as we lead others in obedience to the Lord and to accept His comfort and direction. Even families who have never developed a strong relationship with their church will often open themselves to the ministering spirit of the pastor. There is an opportunity for further development of this relationship during a time in life when they become reflective of their relationship to the Lord. This is a part of the call of discipleship to our people as we encourage them in spiritual growth and greater faithfulness to the Lord. Missions: In the Great Commission in Matthew 28, Jesus commands us go and teach all nations to obey His commands and teachings. Of course, this command begins here at home and wherever we go. May we be found faithful in doing that as we minister to those with grieving hearts. 2

5 Blessings and Challenges in Bereavement Ministry Personal Blessings and Challenges in Bereavement Ministry Blessings: - Seeing people saved through their times of loss - Seeing people display spiritual growth through dealing with losses. - Seeing folks participate in Grief Share Grief Support Groups Challenges: - Time management: time with family, time to prepare the funeral message, time to fulfill other daily responsibilities - Working with families in providing meaningful funerals, avoiding too many repetitive testimonies, excessive musical specials, insensitive videos and slide displays - Dealing with an unusual number of deaths among children and younger folks Seminar Participants Blessings and Challenges in Bereavement Ministry Blessings: Challenges: 3

6 Pastoral Support Bereavement Visits Visit as soon as possible Express sympathy from the pastor and church family Assist with funeral arrangements, if needed Offer Scripture and prayer support Directions for Bereaved Families Check for a will or letter of instructions from the deceased: Funeral home, cemetery Type of funeral service o Church o Funeral home o Graveside service o Memorial service Minister Open or closed casket? Arrangements for pallbearers Planning Funeral Services Guidelines The pastor has a great influence on the quality of the funeral service. One should keep in mind that the purpose of a funeral service is to offer support and strength to the bereaved. The funeral service is an ideal setting to show love and sympathy from friends and to show the love of God. The service, especially when conducted at the church, should be characterized as worship. Thirty to 45 minutes should be ample time for most services. The service should be planned and thought out, just as any other worship service. Scripture, appropriately selected, provides comfort and should be a very meaningful part of the service. Music may also be comforting. Solos, hymns, and special arrangements by organ or piano may be considered. Many funeral homes have a collection of appropriate tapes or CDs. Including or not including an obituary should come at the direction of the family. 4

7 At times the entire service will be conducted at the graveside. This type of service also requires adequate planning. Consideration must be made concerning weather, temperature, and seating arrangements. Since most people will be standing, a more abbreviated service should be considered. However, a well-planned graveside service can be very effective. Prelude Obituary, Scripture, Prayer Special Music Message Prayer Postlude Suggested Order of Service for a Funeral: When additional special music is desired, additions can be added at the beginning, end, or following the obituary, the Scripture and prayer time. Testimonies can also be added as desired by the family. After the Funeral The opportunities for ministry are not completed once the funeral service and burial have been conducted. In fact, when the formalities have been completed, there is an opportunity for a very special form of ministry. Just as God s care for a bereaved family does not end with the benediction at the funeral service, neither should the compassion of the pastor end. Within a short while the house becomes empty. Extended family members return to their homes. Friends return to their own responsibilities. The house becomes quiet and lonely. A visit or even phone call from the pastor will be appreciated and uplifting. As a pastor, we do not know all the answers. The bereaved just need us to be there alongside them to offer hope, love, and support. Follow-up Ministry A visit by the pastoral minister Provide support through Sunday School classes Visitation Food items Baby-sitters, etc. Letter of comfort sent Offer Grief Support Group participation and/or follow-up visit 5

8 The Grief Process The more we know about the grief process, the better we are able to cope with grief when it comes our way and the better we are able to minister to others in that situation. The process of grief can last from three months to three years depending upon such factors as the relationship to the deceased, physical and emotional health of the bereaved, financial implications, age of the deceased, ages of the survivors, the nature of other relationships, depth of religious faith, previous grief experiences, the circumstances of the death, and the preparation for bereavement. Grief is a refining process. God uses this time to redirect our priorities and deepen our walk with Him. Definitions 1. Grief: A normal, healthy response to a loss, the experience one goes through during a loss. It is often expressed by feelings such as anger, guilt, sadness, or loneliness. Grief also affects us in other ways as well: spiritually, behaviorally, physically, and mentally. 2. Bereavement: The state of having sustained the loss of a loved one to death; the way we process grief. Each of us grieves in our own way, affected by such factors as our culture, gender, and circumstances surrounding the loss. 3. Mourning: The process of going through a loss; it involves stages, phases, or tasks. We may think of the grieving process as a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Like many roller coasters, the ride tends to be rougher in the beginning; the lows may be deeper and longer. The difficult periods should become less intense and shorter as time goes by, but it takes time to work through a loss. Even years after a loss, especially at special events as a family wedding or birth of a child, one may still experience a strong sense of grief. The process of grief is stressful. It is important for those grieving to take good care of themselves. Eating and sleeping well and getting adequate exercise are essential. Sharing one s feelings of grief with a friend, in a journal, through a support group, or with a professional counselor can be very helpful. 6

9 Tasks of Mourning Dr. J. William Worden, noted author and researcher on bereavement issues, has identified four tasks of mourning. Task One: To Accept the Reality of the Loss It can be very difficult to believe that the death really occurred, but making this important step is crucial in the process through grief. Task Two: To Experience the Pain of Grief It has been said that to get to the other side of grief we can t walk around it, we must walk through it. Allowing one s self to cry and to feel the pain of sorrow is important. Task Three: To Adjust to an Environment in Which the Deceased is Missing In accepting the reality of loss, one must develop new skills and interests to fill the void. One begins to take responsibility for himself, apart from the deceased. Task Four: To Withdraw Emotional Energy and Reinvest It in Other Activities In the past, one has focused much energy on the now departed loved one. With the loss, one must direct that energy into new places, interests, and perhaps friends. Perhaps other relationships will take on new meaning. Some of that energy should be directed toward taking good care of one s self. Anticipated Loss When a patient and family hear a diagnosis of cancer, Alzheimer s disease, severe stroke, AIDS, or any chronic and devastating illness, the mind may register the words, but the emotions react in a much less orderly way. Disbelief is a common reaction along with shock, numbness, sadness, and sometimes depression. While modern medicine contributes to a longer life for the chronically ill person, it also extends the roller coaster ride of hope and hopelessness over many months and even years for all involved. The grief process begins now, with both the patient and family grieving. Factors which affect the experience of anticipated loss: The personalities of the patient and family. Economic situation How much the mind of the ill person is affected The speed at which the disease progresses The number and types of losses (mobility, sight, mind ) The age and health of the caregiver Ability to adjust to change Amount and kind of support Past experiences with loss and ways of coping Religious beliefs and cultural customs 7

10 Even though the surviving spouse and family have begun the grieving process, it does not mean that they will grieve at the time of death. When death occurs, the goodbye is final and grief comes, but emotions and reactions are different. Those who are quick to make funeral arrangements and legal plans preparing for the inevitable death often pay less attention to their feelings. On the other hand, those who are more emotional may cling to the hope that the person will fully recover, ignoring the inevitability of death and making no preparations. Either extreme can lead to difficult grieving after the loved one s death. Sudden or Traumatic Loss Traumatic grief usually occurs when a death is: Sudden, unexpected, and/or violent Caused by the actions of another person, an accident, suicide, homicide, or other catastrophe From natural causes but there is no history of illness A traumatic death does not give one a chance to prepare. It is not unusual that a survivor feels cheated of a chance to say the last words he would have liked to have said or do some last act that would have special meaning, like a hug, a kiss, and a walk hand in hand. Missing out from having a chance to say goodbye can be devastating. A traumatic death shatters the world of the survivor. It is a loss that doesn t make sense as the survivor tries to create meaning from a terrible event. The family searches for answers, sensing that bad things do happen to good people and the world doesn t feel safe. This shattering of belief about the world and how it functions compounds the tasks of grieving. It may also attack one s spiritual beliefs. People sometimes ask such questions as: Is this God s will? Did God make this happen? Was God angry with my loved one? Is God trying to punish me? Is God testing my faith? People may call God s justice and mercy into question, asking, What kind of God would allow this to happen? Why didn t God intervene with a miracle? One may even question his own sense of worth and wish he had died instead because he deserved death more than his loved one. In the initial days, weeks, and months the individual may go from periods of numbness to intense emotions in brief periods of time. Over time, the intensity and frequency of painful periods diminish. However, later he may feel worse. The numbness that helped to protect him in the early months is gone and the full pain of the loss becomes very real. Family and friends may have gone back to their own lives and not be as supportive. The occurrence of a similar traumatic event and involvement with lawsuits or the justice system can cause additional grief. 8

11 When Professional Help Is Needed At times a person s needs are simply beyond our skill level. In that case, we need to refer the person to a doctor or a suitable counselor. However, stay involved with the hurting person to avoid the feeling that you have abandoned him or her. The following are indicators that a referral is needed. Presence of alcohol or drug abuse Suicidal thoughts are constant and recurring Withdrawal from family, friends, job Violence to others Extended depression Signs When Grieving Children Need Special Help If a child pretends nothing has happened. If school work takes a dramatic decline or the child develops a phobic fear of school. If news of a death was kept from the child for a long time or the child was told lies about the death. If a child panics frequently. If a child physically assaults others or is cruel to animals. If a child had a difficult relationship with the deceased or behaves poorly with family members. If a child begins committing serious socially delinquent acts. If the child is unwilling or unable to socialize with other children. Guidelines for the Survivor Seek help in doing routine matters. Dispose of personal affects as soon as convenient. Focus anger on what makes one angry, not at other people. Don t be concerned about being sad. Establish a sleep routine. Don t feel guilty about past actions. Develop a decision-making track-record. Cry if and when you want. Realize that the spouse is dead. Whether sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the death of a loved one may take weeks or months. One may move back and forth between protesting and acknowledging the reality of the death. One may replay events surrounding the death and confront memories, both good and bad. Having opportunity to talk about it helps make the event a little more real. 9

12 As one embraces the pain of loss, healing requires support and understanding from others. Friends, family, church members, and one s pastor will form the core of one s support system. Faith in God can become one of the strongest realities of support that one has ever before experienced. The Biblical promises of God become very meaningful and comforting. Suicide Suicide is not uncommon. Every year in the United States, about 734,000 people try to take their own lives. Approximately 30,000 succeed, creating 704,000 suicide survivors. That s enough tragedy to touch nearly everyone at some point in everyone s life. When a person threatens or attempts to take his/her life, the person is crying out, Look at me! Please help me! These are fragile human beings. Their unacknowledged burdens are crushing down on them. The tragedy is that they are unable to see the impact they are having on loved ones and that they have options and don t have to take their lives. Warning Signs Becoming uncommunicative Sudden explosive outbursts Disturbance in appetite and sleep patterns Decline in academic or work performance Giving away possessions Withdrawal from family and friends Pervasive sadness and depression Preoccupation with death Exhibiting loss of energy Suicidal gestures or threats Feelings of worthlessness Weight loss or gain Deterioration in personal appearance More than one of these behaviors is usually present when there is a risk of suicide. One may only use these behaviors as a manipulative ploy to get attention or emotional support. However, the presence of more than one of these signs should be taken seriously. Yet, many suicide attempts are carried out without prior thought. Alcohol and drugs are certainly contributing factors to impulsive acts of suicide. 10

13 Grief Support Groups One of the most powerful and positive opportunities for healing to take place is through participation in a Grief Support Group. Support groups provide an environment of grace for hurting people. Group time allows members to share their hurts and struggles, allowing others in the group to come alongside and encourage them. Christ-centered vs. Mental Health Churches, hospitals, funeral homes, psychologists, and hospice groups all offer Grief Support Groups. Through the church, grief support can be offered in the context of God s love and comfort. Duration Some churches offer grief support for a month, some more or less. Ours is offered for 12 weeks, three times per year. Group members often attend the series more than once, if so desired. Schedule Group sessions can be held during the Church Training Hour; Wednesday, prior to Prayer Meeting; or on a weekday. At least an hour should be allotted. This includes 30 minutes for a video and 30 minutes for discussion. Materials Church Initiative P.O. Box 1739 Wake Forest, NC ; Fax Their GriefShare is a 13-week support program. It includes workbooks, leader guides, videos for each week, and promotional materials. Treasures from the Dark, Dr. Dwight Ike Reighard Quantum Leap Publications 576 Delphinium Blvd., Suite 100 Acworth, GA Web Sources 1. A.A.R.P. Coping with Grief and Loss This site offers a lot of helpful information and services. 2. Grief Share This site gives information about support groups and provides daily internet devotionals, and materials which are available through their bookstore. 3. Hospice Foundation of America 11

14 Books The Funeral Is Just the Beginning (Everything you need to do when a loved one dies), by Amy Levine Comforting the Bereaved, by Warren W. and David W. Wiersbe Facing Death and the Life after, by Billy Graham The God of All Comfort, by Hannah W. Smith The Minister s Funeral Handbook, by Robert Blair Mourning Song, by Joyce Landorf Heartherley Treasures from the Dark, by Dwight Ike Reighard o Videos and teaching materials for a 12-week grief support group are also available with the book. Understanding Grief, Helping Yourself Heal, by Alan Walfelt How to Grieve an 18 page booklet copyrighted and published by Kairos, P.O. Box 24306, Minneapolis, MN (good to give to families with a loss) Additional Notes or Discussion Material (time providing): 12

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