The New World Ain t Cheap. A Short Comedy. By David Vazdauskas

Transcription

1 The New World Ain t Cheap A Short Comedy By David Vazdauskas David Vazdauskas 9 Sparwell Lane Brunswick, ME U.S.A davidv@myfairpoint.net

2 The New World Ain t Cheap CHARACTERS COLUMBUS QUEEN KING The explorer. Christopher s young wife. The Queen of Spain. The King of Spain. The King s scribe. SETTING The drawing room of Ferdinand and Isabella s residence in Valencia, Spain. A table and a few chairs. A nice spring day in the year TIME 1

3 (At rise, COLUMBUS is nervously pacing back and forth across the room.) I offer you, King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella, a new route. (Stops pacing.) No, too weak. (Resumes pacing.) I, Christopher Columbus, will deliver to you a land of riches beyond your wildest dreams. A new world! (Stops pacing.) Yes, that s quite good. ( enters. She is very pregnant.) That was an amazing bathroom. I could live in there! You came back just in time. The king and queen are going to be here any minute. I was just practicing my pitch. Maybe third time s a charm. (Sighing and sitting down.) You don t sound very confident in me, Beatrice. It s just that not that I m trying to burst your bubble, Christopher, but let s see, first there was the king of Portugal, who I believe said hasta la vista. Then there was the king of England, who thought you were crazy. Oh, and don t forget the king of France who proclaimed that you were full of (Smiles sweetly.) merde. Well the French make bad sherry! And now here in Spain, King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella have already said no to you twice! You re lucky they ve even let you back here. (Rubbing his hands together.) But I think they might be coming around, Beatrice. The king sent for me this time! I think I ve got them right where I (Standing up, walking towards.) Yes, well you d better. (Rubbing her belly.) When our new little explorer arrives we ll need a bigger place to live and 2

4 What, so our home isn t big enough now? It s one room, Christopher. But it s a big room! Don t you think you need to be a little more responsible now, Christopher? I mean, you almost got killed on your last voyage to Africa. What, so you want me to be a stone carver, or a bricklayer? Something safe, is that it? Maybe I d see you more often. And at least you d have a more reliable income. We might even get health insurance. Wait, I think they re coming. (Holding his hand to his ear.) Are you sure you want me to be here? I m not really (Rushing up to, putting his hand on her belly.) No, no, this is perfect. (KING enters, followed by QUEEN. rises and removes his cap. They both bow.) CHISTOPHER King Ferdinand. Queen Isabella. It s an honor to -- Christopher Columbus, long time no see. (Gesturing towards.) And this must be your My wife, your highness. I hope you don t mind I brought her. I well, she It looks like it could be any minute. 3

5 Exactly, your majesty. I ll be fine, really. Have you chosen a midwife yet? Well, your majesty, I m not sure we can afford a I remember when we were having our daughter. We ended up waiting until the last minute because we were caught up in (To ) What was it, darling? The siege on Granada. Oh yes, that s right. Ferdinand was on his siege and for a moment there I thought I d have to deliver my baby. Talk about a midwife crisis! I think perhaps we should cut to the chase with Columbus here. I ve got things to do. Like what? I m having a look at new cannons. I m told their range is over two hundred meters. And they re quite loud. (Rubbing his hands together.) I like it when they make a lot of noise. Which is why half of your foot soldiers are deaf. Just a little ringing in the ears, my queen. (Suddenly becoming quite animated, striding over to.) Columbus, you should see the size of these new cannons. I swear they re almost the length of this room! COLUMBUS Sounds quite impressive, your highness. You ll need bigger balls. 4

6 (All stare at.) (Continued) For the new cannon, your highness. (After a beat.) Right, so shall we get to some business? ( makes a shooing motion with her hand towards, then gives him an encouraging shove.) Of course, your majesty. So I hear you have a new proposal for us. I certainly hope it s better than the last one. You were asking for the world in that contract. Exactly, your majesty. And that s what I will bring to you! A land of riches beyond your wildest dreams. To the west. A new world! (Pauses) But I ll need some ships. Some ships? What s the matter with just one? With the riches I ll discover in this new world, your highness, I shall need many ships! Christopher does like to think big. I see that. (Sitting at the table and beginning to write.) I ll give you two ships. I was imagining four, my lord. Well, you can keep imagining. I ll give you three. I can work with three. (After a moment.) 5

7 Alright, then. (Continuing to write, then suddenly stopping.) Wait, why am I doing the writing? I have a scribe, for goodness sakes. I believe you gave him the day off, darling. Don t you remember him coming down with writer s cramp after drawing up the treaty with France? A day off? That s nonsense. Who gets a day off? ( strides towards the edge of the stage and yells.) Enrico! Enrico, come here at once. I need you. (There is a long silence.) Maybe he s gone fishing. (All stare at for a beat.) ( enters, somewhat disheveled.) You called, your highness? Where have you been? I overslept, I m afraid. But it s the middle of the afternoon! I never heard the rooster, your highness. (Shaking his head and handing the paper and writing instrument to.) I m drawing up a contract with Columbus here and we need to have it in writing. (Taking the materials and holding up his severely cramped hand.) It s going to be a bit of a struggle, your highness. But I can use my left hand. 6

8 ( sits at the table, ready to write.) Very well then, as you must. (To.) Three ships. So I ll set you up with the Nina, the Pinta and the Sea Spray. Darling, the Sea Spray has a big hole in it. Remember? It s not a large hole, Isabella. I ll just have one of my boatwrights Ferdinand, this man is sailing to unknown waters with the lives of many men at stake, not to mention a child on the way, and you re giving him a ship with a patched hole? Okay, fine. (To ) I ll give you the Santa Maria. She was just christened last month. But take good care of her! I shall, your majesty. Are you getting this? (To ) (Writing excruciatingly slowly.) The Nina the Pinta and which was the third? The Santa Maria. Ah yes the Santa Maria. (Walking to the edge of the stage, looking outside.) My goodness, look at the time. I m going to be late for my -- I wouldn t trust that sundial, Ferdinand. It always seems to be running a bit slow. 7

9 No matter. I have lots to do. (To ) What else do you need, Columbus? Men, your majesty. I ll want some good, strong men. How many men are we talking about? One hundred and twenty, your majesty. Forty per ship. One hundred and twenty men? Are you out of your mind? I ll give you seventy-five. (To ) Write that down. ( begins to slowly write ) One hundred would be the absolute minimum that would Eighty. ( crosses out what he s written, then begins writing again.) Ninety-five. Ninety. Deal. Write that down. Are you sure, your highness? (To ) (Ignoring.) (To.) Right, so are we done now? 8

10 Well, your majesty, there s one more thing that I ( looks towards, who nods her head encouragingly. begins pacing the room, very animated.) You see, in this new world, I m imagining gold. Gold I like. I m partial to silver. But I wouldn t turn down gold. Lots of gold! Undiscovered until now. Riches that you shall own, forever! (Matterof-factly) And for that, I d like a share of the revenues. (After a beat, sits down next to, who nods approvingly at him and rubs his shoulder.) Hmmm. And what kind of share are we talking about? Twenty-five percent, your majesty. ( begins to write.) (To.) Don t write that down. (To ) Twenty-five percent!!! Marco Polo didn t even get twenty-five percent. The new world isn t cheap, your highness. ( rises from his chair and turns his back to COLUMBUS.) Look at my back, Columbus. Do you see the letters S-T-U-P-I-D? No, your majesty. ( leans over the desk to take a look at s back, and then shakes his head, no.) 9

11 I didn t think so. So what makes you think you ll get twenty-five percent of my new empire? Because he s the one who s discovering it? (All stare at for a beat.) (To ) She s right, you know. Christopher is taking on a lot of the risk. But I m funding this voyage. They are my ships! My men! And my kingdom! Our kingdom, darling. And I say we should give this man a share of what he discovers. I ll give you three percent. ( begins writing.) Darling, don t insult the man. I ll take fifteen percent, your majesty. Six. ( turns his head from side to side as he follows the exchange.) Twelve. Ten. ( looks quickly over to, who nods.) Deal. 10

12 Shall I write that down? (Exhaling loudly.) Yes. Please. (To ) Right, so now are we done? I ll need an advance, a grant if you will. Just to cover incidentals. Incidentals? Well, your highness. Food for the voyage. Navigational instruments. Wages for the men. Perhaps a stipend for their families. That would be a nice touch, dear. (To ) This is becoming a costly little adventure. As I said, your highness, the new world Ain t cheap. Yes, I know. (To ) Throw in ten ducats per man, and an extra hundred ducats for (Looking at ) incidentals. How do you spell incidentals? I N C I D E N T A L S. Incidentals! She won the village spelling bee last year. I spelled catapult! (To ) Okay. You set sail later this year. (Stands up and stretches.) So now are we done? 11

13 (Looking over to, who nods.) Yes. But, your majesty, I ll need my lawyer to You have a lawyer? Exploration isn t as simple as it used to be, my lord. I ve got to protect myself. Confidentiality. Non-compete. That sort of thing. I should have been a lawyer instead of a king. They ve got more job security. (To.) Have our lawyer carrier pigeon a copy of the agreement to Columbus lawyer. (Rising and walking over to, curtsying.) Thank you, my lord. (Walks over to and curtsies.) And thank you, my lady. Hang on to her, Christopher. Behind every great man is a great woman. Shall I write that down, your highness? Yes, not a bad idea, Enrico. Write that down. (Taking s arm) You won t be sorry, your majesties! ( and exit.) (Shaking his head.) He must have caught me at a weak moment. Do you really think he ll succeed? He seems like quite a sharp lad to me. Heading west? Who heads west? All the riches are to the east. You never know, dear. 12

14 Well, even if he does discover the (using his fingers as quotation marks) new world, how are we going to keep it a secret? Everyone and their mother will try to find it. Aren t you being a bit paranoid, darling? Just send out one of your new big cannons. Not a bad idea. (Pauses.) I just don t know how we re going to fund this. I m sure we ll find a way, dear. We always do. I know I will declare a new tax to fund this voyage! Ferdinand, another tax? We already have more tax collectors than citizens! Hmmmm. (A beat.) Then we shall tax the tax collectors! I will issue a new edict at once. A tax on taxes! Brilliant. (To ) Write that down! You might want to add a few more of those new cannons to stop the revolt. New cannons. I like the way you think! (To.) We must work on the edict at once. (Pauses) No, wait. First I must have my afternoon snack. All these negotiations have made me hungry. But dear, it s getting late. You can t have your cake and edict too. ( pauses briefly to think.) Very well. (Holding his arm out to.) Let s have a snack. The taxes can wait. Oh my, you must be hungry. (Turning to ) Give your hand a brief rest, Enrico. 13

15 Thank you, your majesty. Is it alright if I rest here? Of course. And there s extra mutton still on the table in the great hall from lunch. Help yourself. ( and exit.) Very kind of you, your highness! (Loudly as they exit.) ( sighs, then writes slowly.) The end. (Blackout.) (Curtain.) 14