Dr. Paul Haggan Barbara Larsen Jeff Minn

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1 Dr. Paul Haggan Barbara Larsen Jeff Minn

2 Choice and freedom to make mistakes. Adult demonstrates empathy and compassion. Child takes responsibility of his/her actions. Child learns from the consequences of his/her mistake.

3 Neutralizing arguing Putting an end to arguing, back talk, and begging How to stay in control of your actions Learn one-liners Teaching responsibility without losing their love Parenting Styles The power of empathy Setting Limits through consequences

4 Think about a summer incident where your child back talked and/or argued with you. What happened? How did you respond? Share with a shoulder partner.

5 video1.1 1:50-2:47 Do not use any other Love and Logic skill until this one is mastered When we start feeling frustrated, we are entering the Emotional/Reactive Brain Zone. Strong desire to lecture, correct, and train! We are giving over our own control. Do they take those words to heart? Or throw back and argue? The more words I use when I m angry the less effective I become. Save words for happy times that s when we teach.

6 Video clip 1.1 2:47-4:55 You don t love me anymore I love you too much to argue It is not fair Maybe so You love her more than me Mmmm You don t care I know Dad wouldn t do that Maybe so I am going to run away! I will love you wherever you live. Do not attempt to think--become a broken record. Keep voice soft.

7 Video clip (O) 1.4 3:23 5:20 Choose several one-liners that you think you could use and write it down on a sticky. I respect you too much to argue. I bet it feels that way. Could be.

8 Video clip 1.3 Expect an extinction burst

9 The importance of relationships There will never be enough rewards or consequences to get tough kids to want to behave and learn if we are not first developing relationships. The closer we feel to another person, the more devastated we feel when we do something they disapprove of. -Charles Fay

10 Make every hello and goodbye a special event At least once a day notice something special about them. Remove any hint of sarcasm Love them when they re behaving not so lovable

11 List qualities you most admire/treasure/value about your child and write it on a sticky. Where do you see it? How do you respond to it? Kids who view their parent as both powerful and loving are far more likely to grow into respectful and responsible adults.

12 We ll be learning How to help our kids learn from their mistakes rather than repeating them Parenting Styles How to discipline our children without losing their love What to do when we can t think of a logical consequence

13 Hope the child blows it. Learn through mistakes and experiencing the consequences. Affordable vs. Unaffordable mistakes exercise What are some affordable mistakes your kids need to make?

14 Pick the object that best represents the strengths and weaknesses of your parenting style.

15 Helicopter Drill Sergeant Laissez-faire Consultant

16 Helicopters Helicopter parents hover, rescue, and protect. The messages they send say: You are fragile. You need me to run interference. You need me to protect you. YOU CAN NOT MAKE IT IN LIFE WITHOUT ME!

17 UNEQUIPPED for life Learning opportunities STOLE from them. In order to grow, children must learn from their mistakes The REAL WORLD does not run on the bail-out principle.

18 Commands Message Sent- You can t think. I have to think for you. I have to do your thinking for you, boss you around, tell you what to do. You are not capable of making it in life

19 Become DEPENDENT on their parents for the answers Fall into PEER PRESSURE more easily because they are used to being told what to do Do not learn how to make decisions- opportunity to make mistakes and see natural consequences arise is robbed from them. Become followers as they have been taught

20 Decide that children should raise themselves Believe that they should be their child s friend Feel guilty for setting limits or giving consequences and allow them to run free

21 Children need boundaries, rules, and consequences to learn from Children resist boundaries, but secretly love them in order to feel secure and learn about the world Children are not adults and can not self-regulate Parents are parents, not friends

22 Consultants Consultant parents are always there to give advice and let the child make the decision, with the idea that they will let the child make as many mistakes as possible when the price tag is affordable. Consultant parents come along side They never tell a kid what to do. They get better results by saying what they are going to do. They offer choices and alternatives instead of orders. When confronted with a problem, consultant parents use meaningful actions and few words. They wrap consequences in a loving blanket of empathy.

23 Video clip :50 Let empathy and consequences do the talking... Adults must demonstrate a sincere and empathetic response to child s misbehavior. Empathy allows us to remain the good guy while allowing our child s poor decision to be the bad guy. Children must learn that mistakes hurt them - When the adult gets angry or begins to lecture the message gets lost. Children need to attend to how to make better choices, not to their parents anger. Be empathetic before you share the bad news (consequences) The child is not distracted by the adult s anger. The child must own his or her pain rather than blaming it on the adult. The adult-child relationship is maintained. The child is much less likely to seek revenge.

24 This must really hurt. This is so sad. That is really hard I am sorry you feel that way. I feel bad for you. It must be hard to feel so frustrated. I love you too much to argue. Oh no honey Oh, man.. What s yours? Acitivity

25 When you are too angry or frustrated to use empathy- DELAY THE CONSEQUENCE! Allows us to cool down Child has to do more thinking about it than we do. Child owns the problem. Gives them time to think about their actions We have time to think about an appropriate consequence that is reasonable. There is less chance of blowing up and making a threat that you can t back up. What can I say? I'm going to have to do something about this, but not now later. try not to worry about it No problem. I love you too much to fight about this. I ll take care of this later. I am so angry right now, I can t think straight. I make better decisions when I m calm. We ll talk later.

26 Must include the three R s: Reasonable, Relevant, Respectful Looks like today you decided to go to school without eating your breakfast. It s sad that you wrecked your car. Looks like you won t be driving until the damage is paid for. I m sure glad you re home. Why don t you stick around tomorrow night so I don t have to worry about you. The way you two fight is really taking some of my happiness away. Feel free to come out of your rooms when you are pleasant to be around.

27 There isn t always a logical/natural/immediate consequence Generic consequence idea (Restitution): drained my energy so, how do you want to put that energy back?, extra chore Energy Drain Handout

28 Be ready for your response! Practice

Building Strong Families

Building Strong Families How to Discipline by Mary Gosche Adapted January 2000 Further adapted and simplified by Gail Rice, Literacy Specialist, December 2002 equal opportunity/ada institution Table of