1 Rev. 08/20/02 (2nd Blue) Rev. 08/22/02 (2nd Pink) Rev. 01/29/03 (2nd Yellow) MALIBU'S MOST WANTED Written by Fax Bahr & Adam Small & Jamie Kennedy and Nick Swardson Story by Nick Swardson & Jamie Kennedy and Fax Bahr & Adam Small & Jamie Kennedy FULL YELLOW DRAFT July 25, 2002
2 MALIBU'S MOST WANTED MUSIC: GRAND MASTER FLASH'S "The Message" KICKS IN and as MAIN TITLES ROLL we... FADE IN: 1 EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY - DAY 1 A tricked-out Cadillac Escalade with the windows tinted deep black rolls INTO FRAME. FLASH (V.O.) 'It's like a jungle sometimes, It makes me wonder how I keep from going under...' A1 ESCALADE A1 passes three people doing tai chi on a bluff overlooking the ocean... FLASH (V.O.) 'Broken glass everywhere, people pissing on the stairs you know they just don't care...' B1 ESCALADE B1 passes a gorgeous Labrador retriever snatching a Frisbee midair... FLASH (V.O.) 'Can't take the smell, Can't take the noise, Got no money to move out I guess I got no choice...' C1 ESCALADE C1 passes two horse back riders galloping along the beach... FLASH (V.O.) 'Rats in the front room, Roaches in the back...' D1 ESCALADE D1 passes a gleaming mansion with a massive putting greenlike lawn...
3 D1 CONTINUED: D1 FLASH (V.O.) 'Junkie's in the alley With a baseball bat...' 2. E1 ESCALADE E1 passes blonde Little Leaguers playing baseball in crisp new uniforms. FLASH (V.O.) 'A crazy lady, livin' in a bag, Eatin' outta garbage pails, Used to be a fag hag...' F1 ESCALADE F1 passes two rich housewives clutching shopping bags from the most expensive stores on the planet... FLASH (V.O.) 'Don't push me cuz I'm close to the edge, I'm tryin', not to lose my head...' G1 ANGLE ON ESCALADE G1 Drives through a security gate and into a gated community of brand new mansions... FLASH (V.O.) 'It's like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder, How I keep from goin' under...' CUT TO: 2 EXT. GLUCKMAN MANSION (MALIBU) - DAY 2 A small crowd and the press are gathered around GLUCKMAN, his wife BESS (40s, lots of plastic surgery) and daughter BRENDA (11) who are on the porch of their 12,000-square-foot mansion.
4 2 CONTINUED: 2... And so if you elect me governor, I promise to take care of California the same way I take care of my own family; with compassion, caring, kindness, and most of all, with an interest in everyone. My friends... (catch phrase) 'California is my family!' The crowd cheers and waves "Gluckman For Governor" signs. Speaking of family, I'd like to introduce my wife Bess... Bess smiles and waves.... and my daughter, little Brenda. Brenda smiles and waves like a campaign-trail veteran. Any questions? The press begins shouting questions. Bill picks Deb? REPORTER #1 Where's your son? Bill is instantly flustered and GIBBONS, Bill's campaign manager (African-American, but the soul of William F. Buckley) steps in front of Bill. Thank you for all your questions, but we've run out of... Just then the ground shakes with a frightening RUMBLE. Everyone quiets down -- is it an earthquake? As the RUMBLE HITS again, the surface of the water in the koi pond ripples, a la Jurassic Park. Reporters look around anxiously as another RUMBLE HITS; Bill's face falls as he sees...
5 2 CONTINUED: (2) 2 The Escalade rolls into the driveway, hopping up and down on its amped-up hydraulics like something from Crenshaw Boulevard on a Friday night. The rear doors pop open and MOCHA (a.k.a. CHADWICK VAN PELT), dressed head to toe in hip-hop gear, steps out of the passenger side. MOCHA Yo yo yoooo! Listen up, y'all! He lays down a beat "human beat box"-style as MONSTER (a.k.a. MIRIAM SHAIDELBAUM) climbs out. She's big, wearing short shorts, a tight leather halter, huge hoop earrings and oversized designer sunglasses. MONSTER Y'all better chill... Next out is HADJI (a.k.a. YUSEF AMIRASLANI), a skinny Persian kid with cornrows. HADJI... 'cuz B-Rad G about to get ill!!! The driver's door swings open, and a gleaming white pair of four hundred dollar, untied Nike sneaks as they step to the pavement; we CRANE UP, PAST Nike sweats, to GLUCKMAN, wearing a do rag under his Nike baseball cap. Yo! What's up all you media people?! This is B-Rad G, kickin' it real from the 'bu, represizzin'!!! Four fine white girls in bikini tops, vinyl shorts and Timberlands come out and dance behind Brad, shaking everything they've got. Reporters move in like vultures. 'Y'all gathered here on this special occasion. Listen to my pops, he's your West Coast liaison' So show up, don't make me throw up. (MORE) 4.
6 2 CONTINUED: (3) 2 (CONT'D) Take out your purse and cough some dough up. My chickens get wit you, if you vote right. And don't worry y'all, cuz my girls is tight. Immigration, education, runaway inflation. California ain't flowin' like old constipation. Vote Bill G on your election ballot. If you don't I'm gonna hit you wit a mallot! Get Glucked y'all! Tom again steps in and blocks Brad from view. That's it for today, guys, very busy schedule, thank you!! Reporters shout questions as Tom herds Bill up the steps. Two staff members hustle Brad into the house. CUT TO: 5. 3 INT. MANSION - DEN - 15 MINUTES LATER 3 Bill Gluckman's election team (GARY, JEN, and BRETT) work the phones as Tom paces; Bill stares out the window, lost. What's the damage? JEN We're down nine points in the polls. In fifteen minutes? And dropping. GARY It's a disaster.
7 3 CONTINUED: 3 What's the spin? BRETT I called the Times and the Chronicle, they're gonna play the whole thing off as a joke. 6. Thank God. How the hell did this happen? I have no idea. I thought he was out of town. Jen, I gave you specific orders to get some handlers and keep Brad locked down until after the announcement. JEN I did! They flew to the ranch in Maui last night! Maui?! Wasn't he at the villa in South Hampton? I thought he was at the chalet in Aspen. GARY (checking laptop) Nope... It was the compound in Bermuda. Oh for God's sake! Can't we -- Brad enters and Tom shuts up. Yo, Pops, that was off the hizzook! I just got you another million votes right dare!
8 3 CONTINUED: (2) 3 Brad's pants are so baggy, they fall to his ankles, exposing his boxers. Brad pulls them up. What are you doing here, son? I knew I had to show up in order for you to blow up. So I had Captain Tony fire up the Lear jizzy and booya! I'm in da hizzy, gonna be on the campaign trizzy, 24/seven, you know, kissin' babies and whatnot. Pound it! Brad holds out his fist and Bill reluctantly hits it. On his way out, Brad chest-bumps Tom. Bill, you've got to shut this down, now. Tell Brad he can't work with you, period. No, no. I love his enthusiasm... It's just a little misguided. There must be something he can do for the campaign, where he can't hurt us. 7. Such as...? I don't know... phones, stuffing envelopes, making signs, something. CUT TO: 4 EXT. HANCOCK PARK - BACK YARD - DAY 4 Bill is at the end of a stirring speech to the Women's Organization of California.... in Bill Gluckman's administration, women will have better health care, women will have better day care, and women will have better jobs! From here on in, my campaign has a new slogan!
9 4 CONTINUED: 4 IN WINGS Tom signals Brad, who enthusiastically yanks a cord, and we... CUT TO: 8. WIDE SHOT - HUGE BANNER unfurls behind Bill. It is spray-painted graffiti-style, and reads: " GLUCKMAN'S DOWN WITH THE BITCHES AND HO'S!" IN WINGS Brad looks on proudly; Tom closes his eyes, a migraine kicking in. CUT TO: 5 INT. LIMO - DAY 5 An angry mob of women chase the limo as it backs down the driveway full speed. (stunned, hollow) Bill Gluckman's down with the bitches and ho's'? It was supposed to read, 'Women are first with Gluckman.' That's old school. Pops, you got to keep your pimp hand strong. CUT TO: 6 EXT. GLUCKMAN MANSION - DAY 6 The limo pulls in. Bill, Tom and Brad get out. Peep y'all later. I'ma go work on my new campaign rhyme, 'Election Erection.' It's gonna be large! Yo! I'ma start on a new sign.
10 6 CONTINUED: 6 He heads for the house. That's it, Bill. If Brad doesn't straighten up, your political career is finished. No, Tom. I promise you, I will not lose this election over my son. What are you going to do? Set up an appointment with my shrink. CUT TO: 9. 7 INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - DAY 7 Plush. Brad sits unhappily on an overstuffed couch opposite DR. FELDMAN. Bess and Bill sit off to the side. DR. FELDMAN So... Bradley... Why you keep callin' me dat? DR. FELDMAN Well that's your name, isn't it? It's my slave name, a'ight? I told you like fi'ty times. DR. FELDMAN (sighs) Yes, okay... B-Rad... Wassup? DR. FELDMAN Let's play an association game. He picks up three CD's, keeping the backs to Brad.
11 7 CONTINUED: 7 DR. FELDMAN Alright, B-Rad. I want you to look at these... He turns the first one around. It's an NWA CD. Next is a Snoop CD, then a Naz CD, and last is Brad's high school yearbook photo. DR. FELDMAN Now, which one doesn't belong? Shoot. N.W.A., fool. They broke up a long time ago. (losing temper) Dammit, Brad, stop acting like a gang member. You're from Malibu, you live in a nice home... BESS With nice maids! DR. FELDMAN Bill, Bess, go to your happy places. Bill sits back, frustrated. DR. FELDMAN What are your goals, B-Rad? What do you want out of life? To be the biggest rapper dere ever was! See, I got something to say, and I need the world to hear it. I'm the shiznit. I'll buy y'all cars! DR. FELDMAN I see. And when did you first start feeling like you were this... shiznit? Oh, damn... way back in the day. I've had these beats in my head since I was a little shortie... DISSOLVE TO: 10.
12 8 FLASHBACK - INT. GLUCKMAN LIVING ROOM - DAY (1980) 8 Toddler Brad (3 years old) sits on the floor, playing with a toy as GLADYS, Brad's housekeeper (African- American, thirty) vacuums, while listening to her Walkman. The PHONE RINGS, Gladys pulls off her Walkman headphones and answers the RINGING PHONE. GLADYS Gluckman residence. Brad takes the headphones and pulls them over his ears. GLADYS No, Bill and Bess are out of the country until December. His eyes go wide as the hip-hop gold enters his head for the first time... (V.O.) From then on it was hip-hop 24/seven. DISSOLVE TO: INT. GLUCKMAN DINING ROOM - NIGHT (1984) 9 SEVEN-YEAR-OLD sits alone at the table, wearing a Run DMC hat (a la "Rock Box", playing with his food. His headphones, around his neck, BLARE NWA. BESS (V.O.) Finish those vegetables, Bradley. (V.O.) You can't be excused until you do. SEVEN-YEAR-OLD- Tch. Forget y'all. REVEAL: on the table across from Brad is a video conference system. Both parents are on separate monitors -- Bess's has a sign that reads, "Paris," and Bill's reads, "Tokyo." There is a place setting in front of each monitor, as if they're dining with him. (V.O.) That's it, mister. BESS (V.O.) When we get home... sometime in the near future... you're going to be in big trouble!!
13 9 CONTINUED: 9 Using the remote, Brad changes the channel on his parents' monitors to "Yo MTV Raps." DISSOLVE TO: INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - DAY (PRESENT) 10 DR. FELDMAN What I'm sensing, Brad, is that your parents weren't really there for you. Nope. BESS (defensive) That's ridiculous! What about your bar mitzvah? DISSOLVE TO: 11 FLASHBACK - INT. GLUCKMAN MANSION - LIVING ROOM - DAY (1990) 11 Bill and Bess enter with suitcases. The house is crowded with relatives and Brad's 13-year-old friends. Mazel tov, Bradley! UNCLE LOUIE, fifty and fat, with prayer shawl and yarmulke, moves past them and calls out to Brad: UNCLE LOUIE (O.S.) What's the theme of your party, kid? Star Wars? Baseball? Superheroes? REVEAL: THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD dressed like Flava Flav, a big clock around his neck, looking like he's just smelled a fart. It's O.P.P., bitch! Brad exits through French doors, and as we FOLLOW him OUTSIDE NAUGHTY BY NATURE'S "O.P.P." KICKS IN.
14 12 EXT. GLUCKMAN MANSION - BACK YARD - SAME TIME 12 It's like we've suddenly stepped into a hard-core rap video -- big-bootied home girls in bikinis freak with clean-cut Jewish kids as the staff serve barbecue and malt liquor to the freaked-out guests. Among them, we see a 13-year-old HADJI, MONSTER, and MOCHA, all nicelydressed for temple. Above, a huge spray-painted banner reads: "MAZEL TIZZOV B-RAD, ON HIS BAR MITZVAH!" DISSOLVE TO: & 14 OMITTED 13 & INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - DAY (PRESENT) 15 Bess sniffles and dabs her eyes. DR. FELDMAN Bess, I'm sensing you'd like to share. BESS B-Rad, you're a wonderful son... it's just that, well -- Oh stop beating around the bush, Bess. What we're trying to say is, Brad, that your behavior is, well, it's an embarrassment to the family. Yo, Pops, that hurts my feelings. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. Don't be hatin'. And, Brad... I can't have you on the campaign any longer. What?! Oh that's how it is? A'ight then. I'm Audi! I need to take a drive.
15 15 CONTINUED: 15 Brad leaves, slamming the door behind him. BESS What can we do, doctor? DR. FELDMAN Well, his lack of parental guidance left Brad wide open to outside influence, allowing hiphop culture to firmly imprint on his psyche. Do you think we can bring him back? DR. FELDMAN (grim) I don't know. This is the most advanced case of gangsta-phrenia I've ever seen. BESS Oh no, not gangsta-phrenia! CUT TO: 14. A15 EXT. GLUCKMAN BACK YARD - POOLSIDE - DAY A15 Brad relaxes in a lounge chair, wearing sunglasses and sipping on a forty. Bess enters wearing a Chanel suit. She sits on the lounge chair next to him. BESS Bradley, I know you're busy, but we need to talk. Brad lifts his sunglasses and turns to his mother. What's up? BESS After our therapy session I realized that your father and I could have been better parents. We neglected you and I feel terrible.
16 MALIBU'S MOST WANTED - Rev. 8/22/02 (2nd Pink) 14A. A15 CONTINUED: A15 For real? BESS Yes. So from here on out I'm going to be a better mother. I want to get closer to you... be there for you. If ever you need -- Just then, her CELL PHONE RINGS. She pulls it out from her hip and answers. She stands. BESS Hello? Celeste! When did you get back?! What?! Oh my God! I've been waiting for that bag for six months! (to Brad, covering phone) It's my personal shopper. (back to phone) Stay right there. I'm on my way! BESS So... where we... Oh yes. I'm always here for you, Bradley. Do you have my cell number? She hands Brad a piece of paper and exits. Brad pulls down his shades and takes a long sip from his forty. 16 OMITTED EXT. GLUCKMAN MANSION - PATIO - NOON 17 Brad sits at the massive dining room table as Gladys pours him a big glass of grape juice, then cuts up his food. Gladys? Yeah? GLADYS Ever feel like you don't belong?
17 17 CONTINUED: (A1) 17 GLADYS All the time, baby. Most folks only feel comfortable around folks who are the same as them. When they meet someone different, they get scared and angry, wanna keep 'em down. 14B.
18 17 CONTINUED: 17 What do you do about it? GLADYS Nothin' to do but keep it real. Be proud of who you are. Yeah, you right... Gladys, when they gonna leave our people alone? GLADYS (emotional) I don't know, baby, I just don't know... (notices Brad's plate) Eat your greens before they get cold, boy. A PAGER GOES OFF. Brad searches his pockets, pulls out a pager -- that's not it; pulls out another pager -- that's not it either; pulls out a two-way -- that's the one. (reading pager) Oh no, not again! He gets up and runs out of the room. CUT TO: INT. CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS - WAR ROOM - DAY (SAME TIME) 18 Bill, Tom, the staff, and several AIDES of varying ethnicity are mid-meeting. How'd it go with Feldman? Great news. If he sees Brad five days a week, he says we'll see improvement in three to four years. JEN But... the election's in two months. Right, good point.
19 18 CONTINUED: 18 We've been brainstorming on some different approaches, and I think we may have something solid here. 16. I'm all ears. Guys? The team gathers around -- it's a gang pitch. BRETT Brad might act 'ghetto,' but let's face it, he's never been east of Beverly Hills. JEN But what if we give him a little dose of reality? GARY Let him get a firsthand look at the ghetto. You mean, have Brad actually... go there? Exactly. Sounds dangerous... BRETT It'll be perfectly safe. How does it work? JEN We hire actors to play gangsters. They car-jack Brad, then take him on a 'tour' of the 'hood... give him a little taste of what thug life's really like. It might just scare the black out of him.
20 18 CONTINUED: (2) 18 Tom gets strange looks from everyone. 17. Excuse me? AFRICAN-AMERICAN AIDE The team all nods. Look, I'm as down as the next brother, guy... fellah. I grew up in Compton, okay? But let's get over the P.C. thing and face facts. Unless we do something soon, Brad's gonna cost us this election. I don't know... it sounds so drastic. Maybe drastic is what Brad needs, Bill. He is twenty-four. I mean, what's he gonna do for a living, rap? They all chuckle. Bill sighs. Who do we get for the gangsters? Remember the anti-crime spot we shot last month? GARY We've got it cued up. They turn to the TV and Gary hits PLAY. On the monitor: A Gluckman campaign ad plays. 19 EXT. GHETTO BASKETBALL COURT - DAY 19 A young, black gangbanger (), glares at camera. NARRATOR (V.O.) For too long, street violence has torn Californians apart... A second banger (), glares at camera.
21 19 CONTINUED: 19 NARRATOR (V.O.) Bill Gluckman wants to put our divisions behind us. We cut wide: to reveal Bill Gluckman standing in between the two gangbangers. He's in shirtsleeves, tie loosened. (V.O.) Fellas, instead of thinking of yourselves as what set you're from, or what crew you're rolling with, why can't you both be brothers. What do you say? (V.O.) I guess we never thought of each other like that. (V.O.) Me neither, dawg. and Sean think is over, nod and shake hands. (V.O.) You see... (turning to camera) 'California is my family'... Cut to angle on Bill and the gangbangers playing basketball, having a wonderful time. (V.O.) If we work together as a family there's no telling how high we can go. Bill flies by, obviously from an O.S. trampoline, and soars over the gangbangers for a monster dunk. Freeze on: the two awestruck "gangbangers." BACK TO SCENE 18 As they talk we see Brad, out the window, raising a banner. Those are our guys, right there. Will he be safe?
22 CONTINUED: 18 Absolutely. (fed up and confused) I don't know... can't we just... He looks out the window and sees Brad's new banner. It reads, in graffiti colors: "ELECTION ERECTION." Alright, fine, just do it. CUT TO: 20 INT. MALI-BREW - DAY 20 Brad urgently runs into the Mali-Brew Coffee Shop (Starbucks clone), where he and his crew spend ninety percent of their time. He is stopped at the door by a very worried Mocha and Monster. Lemme go. MOCHA You don't want to see him like dis. What happened? MOCHA He O.D.'d again. Why didn't you stop him? I tried, yo! MONSTER How many did he do? MOCHA Like twelve, thirteen, I don't know! Damn. Twelve Frapachizzo's. Brotha's caffeined out. Move aside.
23 20 CONTINUED: 20 Brad pushes past and looks on in horror at Hadji, pacing and talking to himself like a rabid dog on angel dust. HADJI I'ma get mine! Step, fool! I'll cut you, I swear! Just chill, Hadji, we're here to help. What's up? HADJI (frenzied) I... I... I was pickin' up aromatherapy candles at Illuminations for Moms, right? And the counter trick gave me lemon when I specifically axed for lilac! Brad turns to Hadji. 20. It's on now! MUSIC: PUBLIC ENEMY'S "Fight The Power" KICKS IN as we -- CUT TO: A20 EXT. MALI-BREW - DAY A20 Brad, followed by his crew, exit, ready for battle. CUT TO: B20 INT. MALL - DAY B20 We're still listening to "FIGHT THE POWER," only now it's a Muzac version, piped in through the mall's PA SYSTEM. Brad, Hadji, Monster and Mocha strut through the mall. Rich shoppers get out of the way. CUT TO: C20 INT. MALL - ILLUMINATIONS - MOMENTS LATER C20 Brad and his crew approach the OLD WOMAN CASHIER.
24 C20 CONTINUED: C20 Yo, fool! We got some hard-core drama 'bout to go down right neow!! 21. Dat's right! HADJI Dis is our mall. Always was and always will be! Woof woof! MOCHA OLD WOMAN Oh, Mr. Amiraslani. I'm so glad you came back. Our clerk accidentally gave you the wrong aromatherapy candles. Here you go. She hands Hadji a box marked "Lilac." You better be validatin' my parking? OLD WOMAN Of course, sir. Dat's what I'm talkin' 'bout. We get ours! CUT TO: 21 EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY 21 Tom, standing by a limo, is speaking with Sean and, dressed as their actual, preppy selves. (incredulous) Hold the phone, buddy... you want us to scare this kid until he starts acting like a nice little white boy again? Don't think you can handle it?
25 21 CONTINUED: 21 Of course I can handle it. I studied at Juilliard for God's sake. 22. Fantastic. Tom hands them a manila envelope. Here's some background information on Brad. pulls Brad's CD from the envelope. INSERT - CD COVER It is Brad, throwing the Malibu sign, surrounded by women in thongs with gigantic asses. The title, in graffiti font, reads: "MALI-BOOTAY!" Malibootay? (O.S.) BACK TO SCENE He considers himself a 'rapper.' Frickin' A. They all laugh. Tom hands them a checklist/itinerary. Okay, so here's the story -- it's your basic kidnapping... So we hold him for ransom? Right. But when you see him acting ghetto and all, it pisses you off so much, you tour him around the 'hood to show him what things are really like. (hands a list) I had my guys brainstorm a few ideas...
26 21 CONTINUED: (2) 21 (reading list) 'Mugging, drive-by shooting, crack deal gone bad...' Why don't you have him steal some watermelon while you're at it? Pays fifteen grand apiece. AND (quickly) We're in. 23. Good. Wait -- we're kidnapping him, couldn't we get arrested? Got you covered. Mr. Gluckman's a billionaire -- if you run into any problems with the law, we're very close with the commissioner. On the flip side, if you screw up and a single hair is touched on Bradley's over-privileged head, I will make sure that you do serious time. Clear? Cris... tal. Good. What about the money? Pulls out a smaller envelope. Five up front, twenty-five when you return him to us, white.... As the driven snow.
27 21 CONTINUED: (3) 21 I'll call you. Tom gets in the limo and leaves as Sean and head for their car. Congrats, my brother. We just booked another gig. Yeah, but it's totally dangerous, dude. You know what it's like in the 'hood. We could get shot! We can handle ourselves. Come on, man, it's the ultimate acting challenge. You know what really chaps my ass? After years of training and study, the only parts they'll give us are gangbangers. Just once I'd like to play a character who has decent grammar and doesn't wear Timberlands. Beats gettin' dunked on by Bill Gluckman. Do we even know anybody down there? They think, then come up with it at the same time. 24. My cousin. Shondra. CUT TO: 22 INT. MALL FOOD COURT - WIENIE IN A BUN - CLOSE ON - DAY 22 in a Wienie In a Bun uniform, chewing gum and looking like she's smelling something nasty.
28 22 CONTINUED: 22 She's at the counter facing Sean and. studies the menu. You zooted, nigga? 25. WIDER Honest to God. That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. I got better things to do with my time, boy. Like work at Wienie In A Bun? Really. You're the one always talkin' about improvin' yourself. I am improvin' myself, fool. I broke up with no-good gang-bangin' Tec, I'm going to beauty school, then I'ma hook up my own salon... In the meantime, how about hooking a brother up with a Pepsi and some fries? Shut up, stupid. Do this, Shondra. You'll get some real money so you can quit this minimum wage crap and start up your business. What you payin'? A grand. Make it trey, we on.
29 22 CONTINUED: (2) 22 Jesus Christ, three grand? Or you can kiss my ass. Deal. Now how about those fries? MUSIC: An UPTEMPO RAP TRACK KICKS IN as we... CUT TO: 25A.
30 A22 INT. AND 'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A22 Sean sits on a second-hand couch in their barren, lowrent apartment, concentrating on reading an Ebonics dictionary. enters from outside, sweating and carrying a heavy box marked: "JOHN'S PROP HOUSE." He wears a stylish Nike baseball cap. We're strapped now, my brother. He sets the box down and begins pulling out guns. They have everything we ordered? Glocks, Uzis, Tec-9s... takes off the cap to wipe his brow, revealing that his hair has been braided into cornrows. What the hell is that? Oh, my hair? Shondra just did it. (off Sean's look) What? You hate it? No. I just think it's a choice my character would have made. Don't go there, Sean. You're just jealous you didn't think of it first. 26. Whatever. DISSOLVE TO: SAME SCENE - LATER Sean enters with a big box marked "THUG LIFE." He has on a wig identical to Larenz Tate's braids and beads in Menace II Society. Okay, got the gangsta wear.
31 A22 CONTINUED: A22 bursts into laughter. What's so funny? That wig, man! I didn't know this was Halloween. Bring me back some candy! He doubles over, falling on the floor. 27. Whatever. Sean yanks the wig off and whips it into the corner. DISSOLVE TO: SAME SCENE - LATER has on baggy jeans. Sean yanks them down so his boxers are hanging out. smiles -- perfect. DISSOLVE TO: SAME SCENE - LATER and Sean, now in full gangsta gear, practice their pimp struts... DISSOLVE TO: SAME SCENE - LATER Sean and stand side by side in front of a full-length mirror, practicing making angry faces and pulling guns from their pants, as we... SMASH CUT TO: CLOSE ON His face filled with rage. Gimme your ride, punk, or I will dust yo ass!
32 A22 CONTINUED: (2) A22 WIDEN to reveal watching Sean, shaking his head. Nope, you're not convincing me. Remember your core character. You're an oppressed black man from the ghetto. Yeah, I know, I'm having trouble finding this one. Lemme try it again. Gimme your ride, punk, or I will dust yo ass! Add a 'beeyotch' and I think you're there. MUSIC: the MUSIC SEGUES from our MONTAGE RAP BEAT TO Mocha's HUMAN BEAT BOX, as we... DISSOLVE TO: 27A. B22 EXT. MALI-BREW PARKING LOT - LOW ANGLE - DAY B22 as a car door opens, boots hit the pavement, and Shondra's incredibly fine ass slides INTO FRAME. We FOLLOW it as it moves to: 23 INT. MALI-BREW - DAY 23 Shondra enters, looking ghetto fab hot. People look at her like she just landed from Mars. She raises her sunglasses, sees Brad and crew playing dominoes at a table. Brad slaps down the winner; points at Monster. I'm thin to win! (raps to Monster) 'The name is B-Rad, Not Robbie Van Winkle... Go get my latte nonfat, And don't forget the sprinkle!' They pound and congratulate Brad on his brilliance. Shondra drops her shades back down and moves in. Hadji sees her first. His jaw drops, then he tugs on Mocha's shirt, whose jaw drops, then Mocha tugs on Brad's shirt. Yo, what up, fool? I'm --
33 23 CONTINUED: (A1) 23 Brad sees Shondra and freezes. Everything goes SLOW MOTION. 27B. 'S POV - strutting toward him. BACK TO SCENE Girl you fly.
34 CONTINUED: 23 Thank you. Let me get them tig ol' bitties. Word up. She throws open her shirt, and before we see anything we... CUT TO: REVERSE ANGLE - His eyes go wide, then we're... BACK TO REAL TIME: Brad snaps to as Shondra brushes by and then moves to the counter. BARISTA Can I help you? Coffee. BARISTA Tall, Grande, Venti, nonfat, soy -- Big... (pointed)...black. (to Barista) Yo, Krista the Barista. Put it on my account. (to Shondra) Get yourself a blueberry scizonne too, girl. Cool, playa. She smiles. Brad follows her over to the condiment table.
35 23 CONTINUED: (2) 23 I ain't seen you in here before. Where you reside? Compton. You? 29. The streets. Which streets? Malibu... Represent. Bard throws the "M" sign. Right. I guess it's pretty hardcore up in here. Hell yeah. (points to his crew) I'm down with the P.C.H. Hustlers. And dems over dere... Brad points to three white wannabes in another corner. (O.S.) The Calabasis Crabs... and behind dem... We PAN TO another table, where four thug posers sit.... the Palaside Pimps. Damn. How do you deal? All day every day. She smiles seductively. Was that you droppin' rhymes when I came in?
36 23 CONTINUED: (3) 23 Hell yeah, I'm a rhyma on tima... Brad hands her his CD. Mali-boo-tay, huh? Looks phat. You gettin' any air play? I'm holdin' out for Power 106. I sent Big Boy a CD, he just ain't gotten back to me yet. Sounds just like that fat fool. I'll talk to him 'bout it. (blown away) Hold dup? You know Big Boy? Hell yeah. I see him at the swap meet almost every Sunday. 30. For rizzill?! For rizzeal. Yo. Holler at him for me. I don't know. I guess you do kinda got it goin' on... It's funny. I was just on my way down to see him. Wanna roll with me? Now? (thinks) Well, tonight was my Seder dinner... Just helping out a brotha.
37 23 CONTINUED: (4) 23 (kisses Chai) Let's bounce. I'm just gonna hit the ladies' room, a'ight, pimp juice? She heads off. Brad turns to his posse. Yo, y'all, this fine dimey is hookin' me up with Big Boy hisself. 31. Shut up! HADJI I ain't lyin'! They pound, shake, hug. HADJI Yo, but what about us? Start droppin' beats. Soon as I sign with Biggy, we gonna need some sick tracks. Bet! HADJI They all pound as Mocha starts throwing beats. 24 INT. MALI-BREW BATHROOM - SAME TIME 24 Shondra's on her Nextel cell phone. It's on. CUT TO: A24 INT. CAR - DAY A24 Sean listens to Shondra on his Nextel, then looks at and nods gravely.
38 25 INT. 'S ESCALADE - MOVING - DAY 25 They drive along the Santa Monica Freeway, heading east. So what do you rap about? 31A.
39 25 CONTINUED: 25 Oh, I can rap about anything. 32. For real? Yeah, lemme kick it freestyle. (raps) 'Traffic, traffic, Lookin' for my Chap Stick, Feelin' kinda carsick, There's a Ford Maverick...' (back to talking) See? Dat's a million-dollar song right dare. So, how did you get to be so down? I been a playa all my life, girl. And I must say, of all the sisters I been wit', you de finest. So, you got a man? (bitter) I did, but I just got through kickin' his sorry ass to the curb. I ain't nobody's 'gangsta hoochie.' I am an entrepreneur. Word. (then) What's that? A businesswoman. Oh. One day I'ma have a chain of beauty salons all up in the 90210, just like Starbucks, only instead of coffee, with hair and nails. Makin' sick money turnin' all the rich hoochies ghetto fab.
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NO LONGER THE FIRST 2010 Josh Danz Free performance of this play for high school and college level competitive forensics is permitted. All other rights reserved. The Intriguing Interp Series is published
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