Real Motivation for Real Change Ari Tuckman, PsyD, MBA www.adultadhdbook.com ari@tuckmanpsych.com Ari is a psychologist in West Chester, PA. He specializes in the diagnosis and treatment of ADHD in kids, teens, and adults. Ari presents frequently and finds that serious discussions are more helpful with a good dose of humor.
Your Life Has Been Harder ADHD creates potential struggles in every part of your life. Especially before a diagnosis is made. No wonder motivation and self-esteem suffer.
Good Standards, Good Motivation Good motivation is based on the perception of the right amount of challenge: Enough stretch to be interesting pushes us to bring our best. Too much stretch creates hopelessness and is de-motivating. Rewards and punishment increase motivation but not skills. Confidence in one s skills also helps.
Apathy vs Ambivalence Apathy = I don t care. Ambivalence = I do care but also feel anxious, uncertain, pessimistic, etc. One feeling prevents action from the other. Looks the same from the outside, but needs to be addressed very differently. See the benefit vs tilt the balance.
Protective Pessimism If at first you don t succeed... then don t get your hopes up. Optimism risks disappointment. Trying and failing is seen as definitive proof of defectiveness it s better to blame failure on halfhearted efforts. Pessimism, anxiety, and depression are reasonable feelings before ADHD is diagnosed.
Turn the Momentum Negative self-fulfilling prophecies: if you expect a bad outcome, you put in minimal effort. This will persist if you never test it out. You need to take a chance on new strategies with the hope of creating a different track record.
Diagnosis is a Game Changer Getting diagnosed offers new explanations for one s struggles. Less unproductive guilt and shame. More importantly, getting diagnosed offers more effective treatment and strategies. Perhaps optimism is worth the risk now...
Improvement is Only Half the Battle Improve functioning by building skills, but there are limits to this. Even for people without ADHD. Work on acceptance of remaining limitations and need for certain strategies. This is easier if you value your strengths. Not passive resignation, but active acceptance.
Performance: Abilities vs Demands Increase abilities Better strategies Medication, Cogmed Working Memory Training Good sleep, exercise, diet... Decrease demands Simplify life, reduce chaos Provide supports, tools, etc.
Change Enough Pieces Sometimes single or brief changes are not enough to turn the tide need a critical mass: Medication, Cogmed Working Memory Training Therapy/coaching Targeted strategies More organized/less chaos Better sleep, diet, and exercise Then give it time to work!
The Magic Threshold Perfection is nice, but not necessary. Sometimes even partial progress creates a significant improvement: Less late, less often fewer fights. Therefore success is more achievable and motivation goes up.
Change Your Mindset
Some Victories Mean More Your successes mean more if you had to fight harder or overcome more setbacks. This is a sign of strength and perseverance, not weakness. Don t use other people s standards.
Look for the Grays Black and white / all or nothing thinking is de-motivating. Notice what went well or is positive, even in the worst experiences. Broaden your definition of success so you re more willing to take a chance (and not feel like you failed). Sometimes you need to try something to see that it doesn t work you re one step closer.
Acceptance of Chaos Many people with ADHD tend to live life two steps in front of the avalanche based in: Primary weaknesses in organizing, prioritizing, perseverance, selfmonitoring, etc. Secondary psychological fallout as they fail to apply themselves fully to difficult habits. Solution: Targeted treatment and strategies offer the promise of something better. Applying good strategies to reduce chaos makes it easier to accomplish other goals.
Avoidance Due to their previous struggles and failures, many ADHD folks avoid difficult or unpleasant tasks. Procrastination (also neurologically based). Rationalize bad choices by talking yourself into it. Solution: Some greater and better informed effort may prove fruitful. Feel the discomfort but do it anyway.
When Persistent Becomes Stubborn Digging your heels in can feel empowering, but it s ultimately empty and expensive. Stubbornness is a sign that you have something else on the line. What are you really doing here? Solution: Is there a better way to accomplish that goal?
Actively Approach Challenges
Avoidance is Tempting We all would like to avoid the things that are boring, make us uncomfortable, or tend to not go well. Current benefits/costs are weighted over future ones. Vividly think about the future to tilt the balance. We tend to regret inaction more than action.
Uncomfortable Feelings Are Unavoidable Find a way to tolerate uncomfortable feelings without allowing them to: Stop you from doing what you need/want to. Ruin your enjoyment of what you re doing. Uncomfortable feelings only have as much power as we give them.
Risk Failure If you never fail, it means you re playing it too safe and living a small life. Try something new and learn from the experience. Take a big chance and give yourself permission to fail spectacularly.
Break It Down We procrastinate when we don t know what to do or feel uncertain or overwhelmed. If you re having trouble starting something, the first step is too big. Mary Solanto, PhD Figure out what to do: Do some research or ask someone. Step back and think about the bigger picture.
Just Get Through It Sometimes we need to slog through tasks that are boring, painful, or that we re bad at. The goal is to preserve opportunities doing better now keeps options open for later. Just need to do well enough. Definitely don t define yourself by your performance on these tasks.
Sometimes Quitting is Smartest Consciously choosing to quit is a sign of wisdom and strength. Dropping the ball or bailing out is not. Don t confuse these two! Give yourself credit for being smart enough to see it and brave enough to do it. Look for lessons learned.
Keep Figuring It Out Life is a constant process of adapting to evolving circumstances. Learn valuable lessons. The price has already been paid, so you may as well get the benefit. So maybe next time will be better (and there will be a next time).
Book for Clinicians it is a real pleasure to read Tuckman's superbly rendered book on ADHD in adults, for it is so well-reasoned, science-based, information-rich, to the point, and finally useful! Apart from wishing I had written it, I sincerely wish that you will read it. Russell A. Barkley, Ph.D. Click here to find out more on Amazon.com
Book for Adults Written in a clear and easy-tounderstand style, the book brings together a vast amount of information, ideas, suggestions, and research. All adults with ADHD can benefit from this book, as well as all people who care about them. Superb! Ned Hallowell, M.D. Click here to find out more on Amazon.com
Workbook Dr. Tuckman continues to do an exceptional job of distilling the essence of theory and science about ADHD into a very practical guide for the adult with ADHD. Russell Barkley, Ph.D. Click here to find out more on Amazon.com
adultadhdbook.com Almost 100 episodes, 500,000+ downloads Information on the books Upcoming presentations Recordings of past presentations Cool ADHD events Handouts and articles