Language that Transforms

Transcription

1 The Communication Wheel - Biblical Counseling Training Center of Arizona

2 I. Created to Communicate We see from scripture that God is the perfect communicator. He is the creator of communication. Those who would seek to communicate effectively must look to Him for direction in our speech, our listening, and our heart s attitudes. a. Our God is a communicating God. (Gen. 1, 2:15-17, 3:13-24, 3:8-20, 6:13-7:5, 8:15-17, 46:2-4; Ex. 3:5-14, 13:17; Heb. 1:1-2) Ex. 33:11a The Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks with his friend. Heb. 1:1-2 In the past God spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in various ways, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed heir of all things, and through whom he made the universe. b. We, who are created in His image, are intended to be a communicating people. (Gen. 1:26-27, 2: :8-20; Zech. 8:16-17; Mal. 2:17; Ps. 9:1. 19:14; Pr. 8:6-8, 10:19-21; Mt. 5:33-37, 12:36-37; Rom.10:5-11; Eph.4:29-30) Mk. 16:15 He said to them, Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. Eph. 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

3 - 2 - II. Defining Communication In order to understand communication, we must first define communication Biblically. We must look to the Creator of Words for the definition and proper use of His creation, communication. a. God s definition of communication is the accurate exchange of information for the understanding of content. i. These are the things you are to do: Speak the truth to each other, and render true and sound judgment in your courts; do not plot evil against your neighbor, and do not love to swear falsely. I hate all this, declares the LORD. (Zech. 8:16-17) b. God s purposes for communication include the building up and encouragement of all participants in the conversation and the edification of all who may overhear the conversation. i. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Eph. 4:29) c. The God of Communication commands that all speech must serve to bring Him glory. i. So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. (1 Cor. 10:31) ii. Seeking God s glory through our communication will result in.

4 - 3 - III. Practicing Communication a. We communicate with words. (Ex. 20:16; Ps. 17:3, 19:14,20:19,26:18-19 & 28,29:5; Pr. 11:13-14, 17:3, 18:13, 15,17, 21:23; Eph. 4:15, 25, 29, 5:4 & 19; Col. 4:6; 1 Cor. 1:26-31) Ps. 17:3b I have resolved that my mouth will not sin. b. We communicate with our tone of voice. (Ps. 10:2-11, 15:1-3; Pr. 12:6, 15: 1-4, 16:24 & 32, 17:27) Pr.15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. c. We communicate with our body language. (Gen. 4:5-6; Ex. 32:9-10, 34:9; Pr. 30:11-14) Gen.4:5a Then the Lord said to Cain, Why are you angry? Why is your face so downcast? d. We communicate both by listening and by non-listening. (Pr. 10:19, 15:28, 17:28, 18:2, 13, 15 & 17, 20:12, 19 & 22, 23: 12, 26:20) James 1: My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. e. We communicate with our actions. (2 Cor. 2:8; Gal. 5:13-15; 1 Tim. 5:8; Eph. 4:2-3 & 31-32) Gal. 5:14b-15 The entire law is summed up in a single command: Love your neighbor as yourself. If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

5 - 4 - IV. The Communication Skills Wheel The Communication Skills Wheel has been designed to aid you as you seek to honor God in your communication. a. The Dreaded No No's Please start by familiarizing yourself with the following communication inhibitors. They will harm others and display disrespect for our communicating God. i. Sarcasm - tearing at a person's inner being, often disguised as "only joking" (Pr. 26: 18-19) The word comes from the late Greek σαρκασμός (sarkasmos) taken from the word σαρκάζειν meaning 'to tear flesh, gnash the teeth, speak bitterly. It is used in Greek literature for an animal with fangs taking down their prey and tearing off the meat or the whipping that Jesus and others received where bone was imbedded in the leather strap to tear our chunks of flesh. ii. Lazy Listening Someone who is just waiting for their turn to talk, checking out mentally or just not interested in what the other party has to say. iii. Excessive Talk Someone who has a motor mouth about past problems or continues going on and on after they have made their point. iv. Exaggeration - such as "You ALWAYS or You NEVER, when the situation was not absolute!" v. Not using self responsible statements You should. or I did this because you did that. We must replace this style of communication with self responsible statements such as, I will do this or that or In my opinion,.

6 - 5 - b. How to Use The Communication Skills Wheel: At each point on the Communication Skills Wheel, understanding of content is to be shown by the listener as he repeats what he has heard. If the listener has missed or misinterpreted some information, the speaker may clarify what he intended to say. At every point on the Communication Skills Wheel, each person will have an opportunity to communicate. It is important to ask the listener to take notes. Note: If one says that they don t need to take notes, they may not be able to accurately repeat what the speaker has communicated. If this happens, it may offend the speaker and cause communication shutdown. Remember, you don t have to agree with what is said, in order to understand its content. (James 1:19-20) Successful communication is based on listening. Careful listening is more important than speaking. It is important to understand that you don't have to agree with what is being said, in order to fully understand its content. (James 1:19-20) Each person has a right to his observations, feelings and thoughts as long as it is not sinful. It has been said that God has given us two ears and one mouth to show us the appropriate ratio for listening and speaking. i. Subject: State your subject in one sentence for clarity sake. Try to consider the subject as merely a topic for discussion. Careful, this is not a war to be won! Try working as a TEAM! Pretend that this issue is a third party item that the two of you are discussing. ii. Facts: Raw data of the senses. Each team member will present their observations on the subject. Listener repeats what they heard without comment or interpretation.

7 - 6 - (Whoever suggested the subject may go first. Remember, this is to be the facts not opinions or an editorial. Your opinions and feelings will come later.) iii. Feelings: What emotions did you experience in connection with this subject? Be careful to distinguish between feelings and thoughts. The Listener should repeat what they heard without comment or interpretation. 1. Yes, men do have feelings. Because men generally tend to place a greater priority on their thoughts, it may be difficult for him to stay on track with feelings. He may start out by saying I feel and then proceed to describe his thoughts. 2. Because most women will place a greater priority on their feelings, a wise husband will encourage his wife by listening carefully to her feelings on the subject at hand. iv. Thoughts: This is my personal interpretation of the data. Please use self-responsible statements, such as, "in my opinion or I think this is what's going on." It is important to acknowledge that your opinion is your personal opinion and may not be entirely accurate. You are both allowed to hold different opinions. (See Proverbs 18:17) 1. Yes, women do have thoughts to bring into the conversation. Because women generally tend to place a greater priority on their feelings, it may be difficult for her to stay on track with thoughts. She may start out by saying I think and then proceed to describe her feelings. 2. Because most men will place a greater priority on their thoughts, a wise wife will encourage her husband by listening carefully to his thoughts on the subject at hand.

8 - 7 - v. Desires: What is your motivation? Having heard the feelings and thoughts, how would you want this to benefit everyone involved? Note: This is not to be instruction as to what you think they should be doing. This is an opportunity to show good will. Express your desires, as to how you want a solution to Glorify God, benefit your spouse, benefit others (children, friends, family etc depending who is involved) and then finally to benefit yourself. (See Matt. 22:37-40) vi. God's Desires: No communication is complete until we consider what our Creator desires for each individual involved. Don't assume that you speak for God. Work as a team here and refer to the Scriptures, (2 Tim. 3:16-17) Which Scriptures or Biblical principles would apply to this issue? vii. Actions: Reaching this point shows that you have truly communicated, not merely talked at each other. NOW you may problem solve. In turn, each of you may state what you have done about the subject in the past and the present. In the past I have. Presently, I am. Then you may express what you are willing to do in the future to resolve this issue or problem. I am willing to do. I plan to do next time this happens. In counseling situations, we recommend that the counselor use the wheel to go through at least 2 issues with the counselees, over a couple of sessions. Afterwards, you can check on how the couple is progressing through their use of this communication method at home. After the correct understanding of the communication principles has been obtained, couples may wish to shorten their communication time by quickly expressing their perspective only on some of the points on the Communication Wheel. This Communication Wheel is also very effective if you are doing a family conference or even in resolving verbal conflict within the church.

9 - 8 - Definition: The accurate exchange of information for the understanding of content. (Zech. 8:16-17) Purpose: To build up and encourage both individuals (Eph. 4:29) 2. Facts 7. My Actions 6. God s Desires 1. Subject 5. Desires 3. Feelings 4. Thoughts

10 Communication Notes: Subject (In one or 2 sentences, state the specific subject. No excess baggage allowed. Stay on the presented subject.) 2. Facts (What I saw, heard, or smelled. This is a report, not an editorial.) His: Hers: 3. Feelings (How did I feel when this happened? Emotions usually adjectives) His: Hers:

11 Thoughts (What do I think is going on? In my opinion. ) His: Hers: 5. Desires (How do I want this to benefit you, others, and myself?) His: Hers: 6. God s Desires - (How does God want the resolving of this issue to benefit you, others, or myself? Work together to apply Biblical principles.) 7. My Actions (Use self responsible statements. In the past I have. Presently, I am. In the future I will. ) His: Hers: