It is not easy to define what makes up a family, let alone a healthy one.

Transcription

1 LESSON 5.4 WHAT IS A HEALTHY FAMILY? 12 page student lesson - 1 of 12 Quick Notes nuclear family traditionally this has referred to a father, mother and children, but now can be used more generally to refer to one s immediate family extended family the nuclear family plus other relatives blended family a family that consists of adults with children from previous relationships It is not easy to define what makes up a family, let alone a healthy one. The way families look in the U.S. has changed considerably over the last fifty years or even the last ten years. In the 1950s, the typical American family had a father who worked outside of the home and a mother who worked running the home and caring for their children. Only one out of ten families looks like that today. Today s families demonstrate many of these healthy characteristics: showing love and care supporting each other trusting each other expressing commitment and making sacrifices for one another respecting each other s privacy spending time together respecting each other s individuality working together to solve problems being sensitive to other people s needs communicating clearly parents setting appropriate rules and limits for kids Continued on the next page

2 LESSON 5.4 WHAT IS A HEALTHY FAMILY? CONTINUED 2 of 12 H owever a family is organized, it serves several useful functions. A family provides food, clothing and shelter to its members and nurtures and supports one another. It provides a place where children can feel secure as they learn and grow. Families also pass on value systems, religious beliefs and family traditions as well as values from the culture at large. Today, there are many different types of family units: Nuclear In the past, a nuclear family was defined as a mother, a father and their biological children living in the same household. Today, a nuclear family simply refers to one s immediate family members. For example, a person could live in a household with two moms and one child; or a family with a grandmother, mother, one child and two cousins. Children with divorced parents may feel they have two nuclear families as they have two places where they belong in two different households. Extended An extended family refers to the nuclear family plus grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and other relatives. Blended Adults and their children from previous marriages who are now all living together is a typical example of a blended family. A common type of blended family consists of a mother, her children and a stepfather whose children may visit on weekends

3 LESSON 5.4 SIBLINGS 3 of 12 Quick Notes Tips for Getting Along: Respect each other s space. Respect your siblings personal space and resist going into their rooms to take what you want. Work out a sharing plan together. Take turns with the TV, phone, etc. It s helpful to have an official plan. Talk about problems don t shout about them. Remember, your sibling is a person just like anyone else. Treat him or her the way you would want to be treated. If you have a brother or a sister, you won t find it surprising that relationships with siblings can be complicated. Siblings can make us happy and comfortable, but they can also drive us to distraction. Many siblings experience what is known as sibling rivalry normal feelings of tension or competition that can result in hurt feelings or arguments. One way of dealing with sibling rivalry is simply to focus on your own strengths and be comfortable and confident with who you are and what you can do. Siblings fight for many reasons, such as: Having different personalities. Just because siblings share some genetic traits doesn t mean they are similar to one another. Competing for parents attention and family resources. Younger siblings fight because they have not yet learned more sophisticated strategies such as negotiation and compromise. Fighting among siblings is normal and helps people learn how to get along with others. Fighting with siblings is usually safe because we know that our brothers and sisters will still be there for us long after the fight is over. So, we tend to blow off steam with our siblings in a way that we don t with our friends or other aquaintances. If parents fight a lot, then siblings tend to do the same. If parents treat their children differently from one another and develop different expectations, they create an environment that encourages conflict among siblings

4 LESSON 5.4 PARENTS VS. KIDS 4 of 12 I t s one of the immutable laws of families: children argue with their parents. There are all sorts of reasons. Teenagers are busy dealing with many different aspects of their lives, from school to friends to working part-time jobs to dealing with their siblings. Parents are busy, too their daily tasks include work, caring for children, managing a household, dealing with finances and caring for their aging parents. Teens are also in a transitional phase of life. As they get older, they begin to form their own opinions and values. These opinions and values may clash with their parents beliefs. Teens also desire more freedom as they grow. This desire often conflicts with the parents desire to keep their children safe. It can be hard for your parents who are used to protecting you and making decisions for you to take a back seat while you take charge of your life. Whether you re deciding how to rearrange your bedroom, picking out your clothes or choosing your friends, it s likely that your parents may have a different view. Even though your parents might seem like they re meddling, they are probably doing the best they can to help you and protect you. Keys to Getting Along with Parents Talk to your parents. Talk to them even if you don t feel like it. It shows that you still do care about them and respect their presence in your life. Show respect when you disagree. Keep in mind that your relationship with your parents will last a lifetime. When talking, plan what to say ahead of time. This can help avoid saying things you may regret later. Talk about the rules. Don t argue about your parents rules; respectfully ask questions and try to understand their reasoning. Show your parents that you are capable of having a rational, reasoned discussion. And once you ve talked about the rules, follow them. Spend time with your family. Your parents love you and even if you don t always feel like it, you probably love them too. Spend some time with them and remember why you re a family in the first place

5 LESSON 5.4 DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE 5 of 12 Quick Notes separation a temporary situation when parents decide to live apart from each other, this can result in either divorce or deciding to get back together About half the marriages in the United States end in divorce, so it s not uncommon for children to have to deal with parents splitting up. A separation occurs when parents decide to live apart from each other. This is usually a temporary situation and might result in the parents getting back together. It may also result in divorce the legal end to a marriage. During a divorce, parents must decide issues of custody, or the legal right and responsibility to care for a child. Some parents share custody of their children while in other cases, one parent has primary or sole custody. Parents get divorced for many reasons. Some common reasons are infidelity, substance abuse, money issues and irresolvable personality differences. Whatever the reason, it s best if the children of divorcing parents stay out of the conflict as much as they can. divorce the legal end of a marriage custody the legal right and responsibility to care for a child Some teens worry that their parents divorce is their fault, but this is not true. Separation and divorce come from a couple s problems with one another, not with their children. When adults make decisions about divorce, they do it on their own. It s normal for children to experience many complicated feelings when parents divorce. Common emotional reactions include fear, guilt, anger, embarrassment and worry. It is also normal to feel relief or happiness perhaps because the stress of living with parents who fight frequently will be reduced, or because the children will be able to spend more time with each parent Continued on the next page

6 LESSON 5.4 DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE CONTINUED 6 of 12 There are many steps you can take to help deal with the stress and emotional difficulties of divorcing parents: Remember, it s not your fault. Do your best to stay out of your parents arguments. Ask them not to put you in the middle or make you choose sides. Talk to a counselor, teacher or other trusted adult about your feelings. Some communities also have support groups for children of divorced parents. Spend time with both parents. Discuss how your life might change who will you live with? Will you have to change schools? Share your feelings with friends and family, or keep a journal. Stay involved in your regular activities. Playing sports, listening to music and spending time with your friends can help relieve stress and give you a sense of normalcy. Another major change in a family occurs if a parent remarries. This adds a stepparent and sometimes step-siblings to the home. A blended family is a family in which one or both adults have children from previous relationships. Adjusting to a step-parent can be difficult for many teens, even if they like their new stepmother or stepfather. Living with stepparents and step-siblings might mean learning to get along with people who have different habits and beliefs. Teens might have to get used to new rules, a new room or a new house. Common emotional reactions to a parent s remarriage include anger, sadness and confusion. Many teens also feel torn between their biological parent and their step-parent, and may worry that if they accept the stepparent, it means they are being disloyal to the biological parent Continued on the next page

7 LESSON 5.4 DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE CONTINUED 7 of 12 Most blended families develop good relationships over time. These tips can help you adjust to a parent s remarriage: Talk to your parent about the upcoming remarriage. Express your feelings and worries. Ask how your life will change: Will you have to share a room? Where will you spend holidays? Talk to a counselor, teacher or other trusted adult about your feelings. Talk to friends or other teens with blended families. People who have been through the same situation can often offer advice on how they dealt with the change. Try to get to know your step-parent and step-siblings. Plan some activities to do together or spend some time together at home. Remember that your new step-parent and step-siblings are probably just as anxious about the changes as you are. Treating each other with respect will help you all get used to the new family dynamic. Expect things to be hard at first. Remind yourself that it s normal to feel sad, angry or stressed out

8 LESSON 5.4 VIOLENCE, ABUSE AND NEGLECT IN THE FAMILY 8 of 12 There are many types of abuse physical, emotional, sexual and verbal. Physical abuse is any form of hitting, shaking, choking, beating or other violent actions that cause injury, leave marks or produce significant pain. Sexual abuse is any sexual contact between an adult and anyone under 18 or between a significantly older and younger child. Sexual abuse between family members is called incest. Emotional abuse is when yelling or anger goes too far, or when parents relentlessly criticize or manipulate their children until their self-esteem is seriously harmed. Although it can be harder to spot, emotional abuse can cause serious damage. Neglect is when a child doesn t have adequate, housing, food, clothing, medical care or supervision. Emotional neglect is when a parent consistently does not provide enough emotional support for his or her children. Emotional neglect is often difficult to identify. People sometimes have difficulty recognizing that they are being abused, especially if they have been abused repeatedly for a long period. But people who are abused have NEVER brought it on themselves; it is NEVER the victim s fault. Quick Notes physical abuse any form of hitting, shaking, choking, beating or other actions that cause injury, leave marks or produce significant pain sexual abuse any sexual contact between an adult and anyone under 18 or between a significantly older and younger child emotional abuse when yelling or anger goes too far, or when parents relentlessly criticize or manipulate their children neglect when a child doesn t have adequate, housing, food, clothing, medical care or supervision emotional neglect when a parent consistently does not provide enough emotional support for his or her children Continued on the next page

9 LESSON 5.4 VIOLENCE, ABUSE AND NEGLECT IN THE FAMILY CONTINUED 9 of 12 Why does abuse happen? There is no single reason for abuse. Some common reasons include parents growing up in an abusive family themselves; an inability to control one s anger; or alcohol and/or drug abuse. Teens who are abused often have trouble with basic functions like sleeping, eating or concentrating. They often have trouble at school and will distrust and feel angry toward others because of the way they have been treated. Self-destructive behavior can also result. What can I do? If you are being abused, talk to a trusted adult. Many teachers and counselors have been trained to recognize and deal with abuse. If nothing else works and you are in danger of being harmed, leave home for a safer place such as a shelter. Local shelters can be found in the phone book or via a hotline. Find a safe place. If you are thinking about running away because you feel unsafe, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at SAFE (7233)

10 LESSON 5.4 ADDICTION IN THE FAMILY 10 of 12 S ome teens live with a parent who is an alcoholic or a drug addict. Addiction is a disease, and like any disease, it needs to be treated. It is never anyone s fault. Some children who live with addicts may blame themselves for their loved one s problem, but in truth, children do not cause the disease. For addicts to get better, they must take action. No one else can cure addicts of their addiction. And addicts will often deny they have a problem, which makes the process of recovery that much harder. It is common for teens who are living with an addicted adult to feel sad, helpless, embarrassed or lonely. In addition to these problems, teens often find themselves dealing with problems that are normally the responsibility of the adult, such as earning money or putting food on the table. Coping with an Addict The first step in dealing with an addicted parent is to acknowledge the problem. It is not your fault if your parent is an addict and nothing is gained by trying to hide that fact from yourself or others. Admitting that your parent has a problem is the first step in taking control. After that, get help. Here are some ways to get help: l Share your feelings and problem with a trusted friend, but also know that it is very important to go to an adult that you trust, such as a teacher, school counselor or a mental health professional. l Talk to extended family members. They can be a good resource. l Find a group like Alateen, which is geared specifically toward young people living with adults who have drinking problems. l Alcoholics Anonymous also offers resources for people living with alcoholics. l Remember that you are not betraying your parent by getting help you are doing what they would want you to if they could think about it clearly

11 LESSON 5.4 COPING WITH FAMILY CRISES 11 of 12 T here are many crises that a family may face: a death in the family, the loss of a job, a serious illness and other traumatic events. These situations, while difficult to cope with, also have the potential to bring the family closer together in the face of adversity. If a crisis strikes your family, here are some steps you can take: l Do your part to help out wherever possible. l Acknowledge your feelings. l Take things one step at a time. l Talk to people who have faced a similar problem. l Manage stress in a healthy way (exercise, spend time with friends, etc.). l Avoid seeing the crisis as an unsolvable problem. l Stay hopeful. l Reach out to other sources of help: crisis centers, community services (like foster care), support groups, family counseling

12 LESSON 5.4 STUDY POINTS 12 of 12 Note to self... STUDY this! 1. A nuclear family is your immediate family of parents and children living in the same household. 2. Neglect is when a child doesn t have adequate, housing, food, clothing, medical care or supervision. Emotional neglect is when a parent consistently does not provide enough emotional support for his or her children. Emotional neglect is the hardest type of abuse to identify and define. 3. Sexual abuse is any sexual contact between an adult and anyone under 18 or between a much older and much younger child. 4. When two married people decide to live apart from each other, it is called a separation. 5. Nearly everyone with a brother or sister experiences sibling rivalry at some point. 6. Custody is the legal right and responsibility of an adult to care for a child End of Lesson 5.4