DIFFICULT CHILDREN By Alissa Chung

Transcription

1 DIFFICULT CHILDREN By Alissa Chung Challenging Difficult Demanding Tough Complicated Stormy Trying Spirited Strong-willed Stubborn Unpredictable All of these powerful words and more can describe a child s temperament some, much, or most of the time. As the parent of three, I can assure you that these words could have been used to describe each of my children at certain stages of their development. For some parents, their child s temperament combined with their own personality makes for a rocky road. The same is also true of teachers, who after all, are human beings like all of us. No amount of training in education can prevent a teacher from occasionally becoming enmeshed in a power struggle with a child whose temperament pushes her buttons. The greater question is how to appreciate and validate the strength and beauty of children with strong personalities while also achieving harmony in the classroom and at home. There have been so many labels to describe children who are temperamentally more, well difficult, than other children. Of course none of these labels really do justice to the complex beings that they are supposed to describe. And most importantly these labels leave out so many of the wonderful qualities and strengths that even the most challenging of children possess. What qualities make a child temperamentally difficult? This varies to some extent by the surrounding context. For each parent or teacher, certain children stand out as more challenging for her, but there is considerable variation depending on the adult s temperament. Qualities also differ across cultures depending on expectations and values. There are, however, some characteristics that seem to come up on most lists: unpredictable, irregular rhythms, very intense, low frustration tolerance, has a hard 1

2 time calming down when upset, controlling, fussy/picky, easily gets into a bad mood. Few children have all of these qualities, but several of the characteristics tend to go together. Although there have been decades of research trying to discern whether children are born with these temperaments or whether the temperaments develop based on children s experiences, this question remains unanswered. What is really important is that there is some stability in temperament over time, but that there is also a great deal of room for change. Some children will change naturally on their own, while others need some support to do so. Being strong-willed and determined can be wonderful qualities to have, so the main goal in working with difficult children is not to change their nature, but to help them become a little more adaptable and happy in their surroundings. The best way to do this is to provide strengths where they have weaknesses: be consistent, predictable, flexible, understanding, and calm easy, right?! What are the main issues of concern that arise for children with temperaments that challenge us? Typically parents and teachers mention power struggles, tantrums or temper outbursts, peer problems, and sometimes aggression. POWER STRUGGLES Power struggles are a normal part of parenting any toddler or preschooler, but they become a daily or even hourly event for some parents (or teachers). There can be many emotions that motivate controlling or stubborn behavior. A child might be anxious and might try to control as much of her environment as possible to make her world more predictable. Or a child might feel out of control of his emotions and his body (because he is emotionally intense, has motor problems, is impulsive ) and might try to take control where he can. Some children truly are just strong-willed and like it how they like it just as some adults are. Sometimes it is important to know the motivation because it can help you decide on your response. Reducing anxiety or helping a child learn how to manage intense feelings may cut down on power struggles. When power struggles do occur, there are three main tactics that adults can take with a child. The first is to pick your battles and hold firm when you do decide that a limit is important. As much as we like to negotiate and collaborate, there are times when adults have to make the decisions that they think are best for their children. At these times it is best to be consistent about the kinds of limits you choose to set, state them clearly, and then refuse to negotiate. You may end up with a temper tantrum, but 2

3 over time a child should learn that you mean business when it comes to certain things. Your predictability will help to control their responses. If you sometimes allow bedtime to be late and other times insist on a certain hour, you can expect to have a power struggle. Similarly, if you get into long explanations of your reasoning for your decision or allow a child to ask questions or try to make modifications, you are telling your child that there is reason to hope that you will change your mind. If you pick your battles, that means that there will be other times when you are less firm in setting the agenda. This does not mean that you let your child take over entirely. Forced choices are a good way to help children who need to feel that they have some control over their destiny. You give a child 2 to 3 options, any of which you find acceptable. It is important that you do not stray from the options you present and let your child start thinking of 4 th and 5 th options. Occasionally a child may have a very reasonable idea to combine or slightly alter an option, and of course it is okay to be a little flexible at these times. Forced choices help children save face because they feel like the adult did not have the final say in the matter. If your child has a lot of anxiety, this option may not be optimal. Having many choices can just lead to indecision and distress about the paths not chosen. A third tactic for dealing with power struggles is the end-around. While children cannot always be distracted to talk about other things, toddlers and preschoolers are still fairly distractible. Sometimes the best way to get off of a topic that is going nowhere is to introduce a different topic that you know your child likes to discuss. Sometimes this helps the child get unstuck, and you can leave the power struggle behind. If you choose this option it is important to try this before the child starts getting upset. TEMPER TANTRUMS AND OUTBURSTS Temper tantrums are another behavior that is common during the toddler period, but they should be decreasing in the preschool years. Tantrums are loud, frustrating, and can be downright embarrassing if they happen in public. While it can sometimes be a relief to let off steam, for the most part children don t enjoy tantrums much either. There is no golden rule about how to manage a tantrum, and the decision usually has to do with the particular child and adult (along with the situation). The old rule about ignoring tantrums has some merit because the child learns that screaming is not the way to get what you want or need. But if an adult ignores the 3

4 tantrum by walking away, the child may also get the message that the parent or teacher does not want to be around her when she is distressed. Some children actually get more upset about the separation from the parent than from the event that caused the tantrum in the first place. Ignoring tends to work best when you know that the child is trying to get his way and is not really out of control or upset. When children really are distressed, sometimes the best thing to do is to help the child get past the tantrum and then to talk later about what happened or give a consequence. In the middle of a tantrum it is unlikely that your child is processing any of the things you say, and talking may just make things worse. Finding a comforting space for the child to calm down is not rewarding the child for the tantrum, but helping the child learn how to regain emotional control. Allowing the child to do what she wanted after she finishes the tantrum is, however, a reward for the behavior and gives the clear message that tantrums work. If you know that your child escalates quickly into severe tantrums, it is best to act QUICKLY when his distress starts to build. At the first sign of a stomped foot or a raised voice the child should be taken to the quiet, comforting place to calm down. This helps teach the child to use the same tactic for self-soothing and also lets the child know that you will not let him get out of control. In public places, unfortunately, there is often no graceful way to handle tantrums. Usually the best thing to do is to leave the setting whenever possible. You probably wouldn t have gotten much done at that point anyway without giving major concessions that gives your child the wrong message about tantrums. PEERS The chief complaint of peers tends to be that the difficult child is too controlling during play. While adults usually let children set the play agenda, other children want to contribute their own ideas. One way to help your child learn how to play more cooperatively is to practice together at home. You can explain to your child that it is not fun when only one person gets to have ideas during play. Rather than always letting your child set the agenda, you gently insert some of your ideas and help the child see how you can collaborate to come up with something even more fun than before. Learning how to do turn taking and how to build on the ideas of another person are extremely valuable skills. It is easier to learn with an adult who can introduce ideas 4

5 gradually than with peers. Practicing this frequently at home can help prevent a child from getting a reputation as someone who always has to have her own way. AGGRESSION Many children with difficult temperaments are rarely if ever aggressive. The combination of impulsivity and emotional intensity can, however, lead to aggression, usually not with malicious intent. It is very important to set a firm and clear limit that hurting people including parents, teachers, peers, siblings, and even oneself is not acceptable. Children should be removed from situations that end in aggressive acts. A cursory apology usually does little to teach the child anything but that saying sorry allows you to return to play. It is okay to let the child know that his behavior hurt another person. This can be an overwhelming message to a child, so it is important not to load on the shame and guilt. Adults can give children ideas about ways to make up for their acts once they are calm (e.g., making a picture for the child the next day). Adults should let the child know that it is parents and teachers jobs to keep everyone safe, so they are not going to allow anyone in the room to get hurt. The message to the child can be that we are going to work together to help you control your body and use your words. Children should know that they are not on their own in this endeavor and that you do not perceive them as mean or scary (which is often how they perceive themselves). Impulsive aggression is very different from intentional acts of harm (which are not a characteristic of any temperament type). Spirited, strong-willed children can be leaders full of creative and fun ideas. Helping them learn how to manage their impulses and their emotions can go a long way toward allowing them to maximize the positive potential of their temperaments. Consistency, patience, and flexibility on the part of the adults in their world will reduce the challenges for all involved. 5