No Such Thing As a Bad Kid

Transcription

1 West Virginia Child Care Association 32 nd Annual Conference September 21 23,

2 No Such Thing As a Bad Kid The Power of a Strength-Based Approach in Reshaping the Lives of At-Risk Children, Youth & Families Charlie Appelstein, MSW [email protected] 2

3 The Power of a Positive, Strength-Based Approach Strength-Based Practice: It s all about Attitude & Actions Educators and professionals maximize childrens potential when they convey an attitude to each and every one that says: I believe in all of you and I am thrilled to be part of your life. And then, through their daily actions show that they mean it. Research has shown that a student entering high school with a history of violence, is not likely to commit further acts of aggression (at his/her school) if the student believes there is at least one educator at the school that thinks I m terrific! - James Garborino, Ph.D. I was successful because you believed in me. - Ulysses S. Grant in a letter to Abraham Lincoln When youth feel better about themselves they are more likely to use and cultivate their strengths. Genuine believing attacks self-doubt, makes students feel better about themselves, and provides hope Hope is Humanity s Fuel. Self-doubt kills ability. -Degas Excerpts from David Shenks The Genius in All of Us: But the new science suggests that few of us know our true limits, that the vast majority of us have not even come close to tapping what scientists call our unactualized potential. With humility, with hope, and with extreme determination, greatness is something to which any kid-of any age-can aspire. Most underachievers are very likely not prisoners of their own DNA, but rather have been unable to tap into their true potential. A smile is the face s way of giving an emotional hug. Twenty years from now, the youth you currently serve won t remember much of what you said to them, but they ll all recall how you made them feel. Children & youth with post traumatic stress disorder will shut down (i.e. become protective) when approached by an adult with a stern expression. (Fright, flight, or fight) Have you ever watched an actor in a bad mood? If you re in a bad mood, it might be prudent to fake that you re not. Actors entertain for a few hours. Educators and Professionals save lives. A positive attitude sends the message: I want to be here. I care about you. I believe in you. You 3 will make it.

4 Gus on Pejorative Labeling Look, I know some of us can be quite difficult. I was a hellion my first six months, considered quite obnoxious. But it was simply defensive posturing. (Can you say defense mechanism?) Kids aren t bad. They re just screwed up. The kid who s pushing you away the most is probably the one who needs you the most. I think every residential center would be better off if they never used words as manipulative, lazy, un-invested, controlling, and obnoxious. They re pejorative adjectives. When you label one of us in such a way, you contaminate the waters and no one wants to swim with us any more. Manipulative kids aren t fun to work with. They re a pain in the ass. Boy, is that kid manipulative! Every time we get blasted for being manipulative (or any other such term), our self-concept suffers. We take on that word we internalize a sense of badness. Yet the kid you call manipulative might have come to your facility with a history of manipulating his way out of getting beaten. So, maybe manipulating ain t so bad. Maybe it simply needs to be understood in the context of a child s situation. Maybe people don t need to use these words anymore. P. 24 I had been an excellent math student, but the day she told me I was spacey and unfocused was the day I stopped connecting to math. Note: Throughout this handout will be references to the manuscript: Helping Traumatized Children Learn produced by Massachusetts Advocates For Children Excerpt from The Gus Chronicles, Appelstein,

5 Decoding Problem Behavior Response to problem behavior: Understand > Reframe > Squeeze Behavior is always a message Pejorative Label Positive, Hope-Based Reframe Obnoxious Good at pushing people away Rude, arrogant Good at affecting people Resistant Cautious Lazy, un-invested Good at preventing further hurts, failures Manipulative Good at getting needs met Just looking for Good at caring about and attention loving yourself Close-mouthed Loyal to family or friends Different, odd Under-appreciated Stubborn & defiant Good at standing up for yourself Tantrum, fit, outburst Big message Learning disability Roadblocks Life isn t what you see, it s what you perceive! When you change the way you look at a challenging youth the youth changes. Pejorative labels lead to the creation of stereotype myths (entrenched, negative self-perceptions) 5

6 Reframing Seeing and praising the positive, self-protective value in negative behaviors 1. A child who is always looking for attention: R: I apologize to you for anyone who has ever put you down for looking for attention. I think it s great you look for attention good or bad. It means you haven t quit on yourself. You probably haven t received enough attention in your life and you re looking for it now. Are there better ways to seek it? Sure, and we can talk about them. But I don t want you to spend another minute of your life thinking that there s something wrong with looking for attention! 2. A youth who won't talk about his/her feelings: R: You re a real loyal daughter. I think you hold everything in to protect your family and I think that s quite admirable. Your mom is very lucky to have a kid like you. But this isn t us against your family, we re on the same side (connecting statement see page ). 3. A youth who acts rudely: R: You have an amazing ability to affect people! Or, I think you re pretty good at giving to others what you ve received. 4. A child who makes funny noises at the wrong time: R: You re a very creative kid. What range, pitch, resonance! These are great noises. How about saving them for the end of the day. You can put on a show for five minutes. 5. A youth who acts in a stubborn manner: R: You re good at standing up for yourself and what you believe. Some of the greatest people in the world were quite stubborn about their causes: Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa. But the great ones all new when to give in a little. 6. A youth who seems unmotivated: R: You re pretty good at protecting yourself. If you don t try you can t be embarrassed. But you re a bright kid and if you just take it step by step you ll probably have success. 7. A youth who frequently swears: 5. R: You re very expressive! You ve got words I never heard before. Might use a few at the Cowboy s game. How about saving the expressive language for times your alone with one of us, not in front of the other students. Thanks. 8. A child who's bossy with peers: 9. R: You ve got great leadership skills. You re a natural. 6

7 Providing Hope & Possibility Through Metaphors & Positive Predicting Poker The Melting Snowball Life is like a poker game. Even if you re dealt a bad hand, you can still win the game. Prison is full of people who blame their upbringing for why they broke the law. But for every one person in prison who blames his/her family, there are 100 folks on the outside who were raised in similar circumstances but chose to be good citizens. The Roadblock See your fears and worries about (pending issue/loss/transition) as a big snowball in the middle of your chest, and understand that as each day goes by, it s going to melt a little. It may stay forever but it will become so small that you can build a great life around it. It s not a learning disability, bipolar, Asperger s; it s a roadblock. All big cities have them, but people get to work on time every day. Why? They find away around it. You can to. Many successful people have roadblocks similar to yours. TheTrain The 2011 Edition Positive Predicting When you talk about the future in positive terms, you make any desired outcome more possible. And when it s more possible, it becomes more probable! How should we celebrate when When we recover the onside kick. You re big and powerful but you ve gotten off track. All great trains get off track. What can we do to get to get you back on the rails? You will get to a good place. Cars improve every year. People get better every day. You re the 2011 Steve. You don t over-heat as much as the 2010 Steve have a sleeker design, follow the road signs better. Don t give me this bull: Same old me. You get better every day, man wiser, more experienced, more mature. 7

8 Relationship Building & The Art of Engagement 30 Questions You Could Ask Your Students 1. Tell me the five best things about you? 2. If you could have the following superpower which one would you pick? a. The ability to fly b. super-strength c. could turn invisible 3. If you were trapped on a deserted island and could pick one famous person to be with, who would it be? 4. If a genie could grant you any three wishes, what would they be? 5. What profession do you want to be when you re older? 6. Who was the best teacher you ever had? Tell me why.? 7. What would the ideal teacher be like? 8. Choose: Live to 100 in excellent health or win 10 million dollars in the lottery but pass away at age If you are feeling sad, what meal would be the one that would cheer you up? 10. Do you believe men and women are equally smart? Why or why not? 11. Choose: Live forever in good health or five people you pick live forever (in good health)? 12. Is there anything you pretend you understand, but you really don't? What is it? 13. If a genie would give you only one wish, which would you pick, and why? 1. Being world-class attractive 2. Being a genius 3. Being famous for doing something great 14. What is your most embarrassing moment? 15. Tell me who you think are the three greatest musicians in the world? Why? 16. If you could change three things about yourself, what would they be? 17. If you had to have a disability, which one of these would you pick, and why? 1. Blindness 2. Deafness 3. Inability to walk 18. What are the qualities that make a good friend? 19. What do you say to comfort yourself when something scares you? 20. If you paid your bill at a restaurant and the waiter gave you too much change, would you tell him/her? 21. What do you think are the characteristics that make a good teacher? 22. Name the three music artists you most admire. Three athletes you most admire? 23. Choose: a. Super-human strength b. The ability to fly c. Able to become invisible 24. Name a TV or movie star that you think is lame. 25. Do you think it's important to get physical education in school? Why or why not? 26. If you had to live in another country for the rest of your life, where would it be? 27. Choose: If you had to eat the same dinner for one year what would it be? 28. Choose: Find a cure for all cancers or stop all wars for the next 100 years 29. What have you done in school or sports or anywhere, that you are most proud of? 30. Choose: Win American Idol or win the Presidency? 8

9 Strength-Based Practice What is it?: An emerging approach to helping people that is exceptionally positive and inspiring. It begins with belief that all children have or can develop strengths and use past successes to stop troublesome behavior and enhance functioning. SB practice is powerful combination of the strength-building model and solution-focused therapy Emphasis is on: Strength-building rather than flaw-fixing Doing rather than understanding Believing in every youth unconditionally - See and believe! Not Believing is seeing (positive responses are earned)..which produces Optimism which feeds possibility, and motivates coping and adaptive behavior, even in the face of difficult odds: Hope is Humanity s Fuel P. 57 Lacking the words to communicate their pain, they may express feelings of vulnerability by becoming aggressive or feigning disinterest in academic success because they believe they cannot succeed. Continues with practice methods that identify and marshal these strengths for necessary behavior change. The Goal: Change rather than insight and awareness The Work: Problem-driven not problem-focused (solution-focused): Devoted to helping kids initiate actions to dispense presenting problems Primarily short term Goal-oriented and focused on resolving the identifying problem Assumptions (or lack thereof). Strength-based practice does not assume that ownership of guilt is somehow automatically curative. Does assume that change is inevitable, not uncertain Strength-based practice does not assume LARGE problems require LARGE efforts for solutions. Does assume that SMALL changes can ripple out to bring resolution. 9

10 Solution-Focused Questions A model of questions that help kids recognize and build upon inherent strengths The language of Hope and Possibility Explorative Historical: How many kids have been, or are, in similar situations? How many succeeded? So why can t you? What steps did they take to succeed? How will we celebrate when you get there? Have you ever been in this position before and handled it okay? How did you manage? What skills did you use? So maybe you can use them now? Qualifiers: I hate this place! > So you re saying you re really upset being here right now. Past Tense: I m stupid! > So you haven t been feeling real smart lately. When & Will: I ll never make a friend! > When you do, what will it be like? Scaling Questions: On a scale of one-to-ten, ten being that you ll make lots of friends at the new school zero, you won t make any.what number are you at now. When it s higher in a month, how will you feel? Identifying In-Between Change: What will be the first sign that you ve turned the corner. Amplifying Change Using Speculation: You ve had some great weeks. Do you think the reason you re doing so well has something to do with getting older and more mature? Perhaps you ve outgrown the little-kid stuff? Have you also figured out that doing better truly gets you more of what you want? Exception questions: Have there been times recently when the problem did not occur? Changing Perspective Question: Given all that you ve been through. And I maybe know one-tenth of what s gone on how come you re not doing worse? You re my hero. Dude, I think you make the mistake of comparing yourself to the other kids here. That s a big mistake. There s only one person you can compare yourself to. That s someone who has been through exactly what you have. If I could find 10 other kids with your exact history you d be up here and they d be down there. Man, you ve got more courage in your pinky than I have in my entire body. You are my hero. And the thing that freaks me out is that I think you re going to do even better! 10 Visit bobbertolino.com for more solution focused questions and info.

11 Activities & Self Esteem Building To help youth enhance self esteem, provide tasks and activities that offer a: Universal Opportunity for Individual Success Create and/or modify tasks and activities to maximize success opportunities Example: A basketball game where the ball must be passed 3 times before it can be shot. Self-Esteem Building Options: Professional & amateur sports Games: Board, video, bingo Special events (food drives, car washes, bottle-collecting, walk-a-thons) Karaoke & music (concerts, kazoo bands, shows, music videos, lip-syncing, etc.) Employment opportunities (Key: cultivate relationships with local employers) Volunteering (w/handicapped, elderly, younger kids, animals, etc.) Sports (bowling, karate, roller-skating, soccer, etc.) Fitness (create fitness charts, aerobics, jogging/walking, meditation, rope and obstacle courses, etc.) Hobbies (art, theater, music, crafts, pottery, card and/or coin collecting, carpentry, photography, magic, etc.) Animals (pets, therapeutic horse-back riding, fish, etc.) Home repair jobs (painting, landscaping, repairing, etc.) Religious endeavors P.57 Every child has an area of strength in which he or she excels, Whether it is in academics, art, music, or sports. When educators can identify and focus on a child s strength, they afford the child the opportunity to experience success, with all the emotional implications of doing something well. This is an important starting point in mastering academic content and social relations, which in turn serve as a basis for success at school. Every kid needs his/her own special niche! 11 Trumpet Success Call parents with good news.keep a scrapbook.hang pictures, etc.

12 Activity Modification Exercise Modify the following sport in order for each participant to have a good chance for success:

13 Helping Inflexible/Explosive Children & Youth Characteristics of Such Kids: Display deficits in frustration tolerance Generally do not respond well to consequences and rewards (i.e. traditional motivational approaches) Symptoms are thought to emanate more from neurological as opposed to psychological factors Prone to stubborn, inflexible, explosive outbursts Often display genuine remorse after an episode How to Help: Create user-friendly environments to clear the smoke (take the air out of the balloon) Determine which behaviors need to be addressed and how best to respond. Categorize behaviors and responses into one of three baskets: A = Non-negotiable B = Compromise & Negotiation C = Ignore As kids meltdown and approach vapor lock, immediately distract, empathize, and offer aid. Help them to downshift into a calmer state (i.e. make the cognitive shift). A B A = Non-negotiable, often a safety concern. Consequences could be issued. B = Room for compromise & negotiation C C = Ignore Most of this material is from The Explosive Child by Ross Greene, Ph.D. 13

14 Exercise: Creating User-Friendly Environments 1. Pick a child or youth who is often inflexible and can act in an explosive manner. Discuss: How user- friendly is the current environment to him/her? What changes could you make? (think baskets). 2. Pick a time of day that is often problematic. How could you create a more user-friendly environment to improve this period? 14

15 Respecting Roots & Cultural Diversity The search for and healing identification with ancestors, people of the same race, color, gender, and/or religion. People who INSPIRE and provide HOPE! Martin Luther King Harriet Tubman Amelia Earhart Cesar Chavez Franklin D. Roosevelt Explore: Customs, Traditions, Holidays, & History. - Have kids explore their roots. Help them to learn about and hang pictures of inspiring heroes. -Read stories aloud of inspiring historical (or current) figures who overcame great odds to make a difference. - Bring in foods, art, and other items that are endemic to a particular culture. Attend a concert. Bring in a movie, etc. Michael Jordan Other ideas: 15

16 Strategic Verbal Interventions The Millimeter Acknowledgement Strength-based practice does not assume that ownership of guilt is somehow automatically curative Do you think it s slightly possible that perhaps, maybe. Could, maybe, 1% of this have something do with Honoring Hellos and Goodbyes You can t say hello until you have first said goodbye! Stages of grief: Shock & Denial, Anger, Sadness, Acceptance Examples: Goodbye to: Hello to: Living w/family of origin Foster or adoptive care Goodbye to: Loss of idealized childhood Hello to: What was real, the good that can be remembered, and life ahead. Tip: Replace cognitive distortion (stinkin thinkin ) Example: Angry that staff member is leaving, but feeling lucky that we got to work together for so long. 16

17 Working with Families Key Terms and Concepts Goals of Family Centered Work: Facilitation of family connections Fantasy Deflation Enhanced information gathering Reunification Earlier discharges Mutual Acceptance The Continuum of Parental Involvement* 1. Engagement 2. Participation 3. Empowerment 4. Discharge/Graduation 5. Aftercare > Supportive Services Youth care professionals/educators and parents form Interlocking Partnerships Professionals view parents as: Collaborators Family centered work is: Cultural rather than Compartmental *Martone et. al, RTCY 17

18 Strength-Based Practice: Principles Seeing is Believing = Unconditional support If you visit the home of family that has a toddler or two what do you see everywhere? Toys. Did the children need to earn them? No. They were offered unconditionally. This act of unconditional love and kindness strengthens bonds, facilitates object constancy (my parents are always there for me), and enhances self-image ( I m someone of value! ) vs. Believing is Seeing = Standard behavior management (If I do well, I am rewarded. If I don t, I am not) Seeing is believing produces Optimism which feeds possibility, and motivates coping and adaptive behavior, even in the face of difficult odds Seeing is Believing Butch, you D a man! We re excited that you re here! NOT: Believing is Seeing! We ll treat you nicely once you put that slingshot down, lose some weight, and get rid of that ridiculous hat! Seeing is believing examples: Have lunch with a struggling youth; Do something fun with a group that is struggling; bring in a special snack; give the group extra recreation time even if they haven t earned it. You don t always have to behave great for me to treat you great. I love working with you guys and I care about you regardless of your behavior. Of course, I like good choices and fine acting but I m behind you either way. Tip: Perform deliberate acts of kindness 18

19 Cues to Use (Coping Thoughts/One-Line Raps) Encourage kids to create and practice coping thoughts - in the form of cues or one-line raps to diminish or eradicate problem behaviors (i.e. bad habits). Cues are more successful when they rhyme, are rhythmic, humorous and repeated often. Practice makes perfect! The brain is designed to change in response to patterned, repetitive stimulation. Anger Control NBD easier than 1-2-3! NO BIG DEAL! Stop and think, don t be a dink! Let it go, Joe (Just stay cool no need to blow) Let it go So (So I can be happy or earn things, etc.) When you re mad don t do bad (or don t get sad) just talk or walk. Talk, walk, or squawk! Stay in control, that s the goal. I can, I will, I gotta chill. Social Take turns when you talk, if you don t the kids will walk. Give kids their space, it s their place. Don t poke, it s not a joke. Stop and think, don t be a dink. Stay arms lengths away today. Following Through/ Being Independent Don t quit, take it bit by bit Inch by inch, life s a cinch. Yard by yard, life is hard. Take it little by little and play da fiddle! Like a king on a thrown, I can do it on my own. Step after step, that s the prep. Take it inch by inch it s a cinch! Sit and relax, learn to the max! Make a list, it will assist. Use Bongos! Drugs and Alcohol I can make it if I choose, time to quit the drugs and booze. If you lose hope, don t do dope. Anxiety Don t be in a hurry to worry. Stop and listen, cause you don t know what you re missing. View more cues at Encouragement/Affirmations I m smart. It s in my heart. Learning is your (my) ticket to a good life. I can make it if I choose Only I can make me lose. If it is to be, it s up to me! 19

20 P. 31 The prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain primarily responsible for the development of the executive functions, has been shown to be adversely affected by trauma. Fortunately the brain is an amazing organism and even when it is impaired, it often has the ability through environmental interventions such a s cueing - to be rewired. Neurologists call this characteristic of the brain: synaptic plasticity. When a child or youth repeats a cue (coping mantra) over and over again with a set rhythm - dramatic behavioral gains can occur. The desired behavior, in essence, becomes imbedded in the individual s neuropathways. Create a rap (cue) or two for some of the kids you work with: Bad Habit: Cue: Bad Habit: Cue: Bad Habit: Cue: Bad Habit: Cue: 20

21 Coping Raps/Recovery Rhymes A large residential setting in the Midwest has each new child or youth create a coping rap or recovery rhyme when they first enter the program. Examples: When I m stressed, I won t regress I ll just do my best to express. I need to stop lying, so my family will stop crying. And when I stop lying, they ll notice me trying. No matter how big or small, tell it all. And if I remember this poem, then I ll go home. Listen to my inner voice, so I can make the very best choice. When bad things happen, and wrong words I am saying I will go to my room and start quietly playing. I want to change my attitude, sometimes I can be so rude. I want to go through life and know I don t have to fight. I don t want to end up in jail, so I know I must prevail. If I get my act together, I might be good forever. Kool Kat chill out and relax, I know how you feel so keep the deal. It s not such a chore if I ignore. I score when I ignore bad behavior. To make a connection, I gotta follow staff s direction. Don t do the crime or you gotta pay the time. My name is R. Skinner and I m a winner. When I get mad, I gotta get glad. Oh what a thrill when I chill. I am compulsive when it comes to being impulsive. I need to think before I sink. When I feel down, don t isolate. Talk to others and participate Do not listen to what others say, because I know that I m okay. 21

22 Stretch! Athletes always stretch their muscles before exercising or playing a game. For some students, a similar kind of preparation is necessary before engaging in an evocative activity. Children and youth who appear inflexible and are prone to explosive outbursts often have trouble functioning in physical activities that can be rough and unpredictable, such as touch football and basketball. Asking or requiring these students to Stretch prior to one of these activities, might prevent an injury or two! Example: 2 Minute Stretch Warm-up Form 1. Is football a very physical and unpredictable game? Yes or No 2. Is there a chance someone is going to hit, grab, pull, step-on, or trip me? Yes or No 3. If something rough happens to me, what do I think? a. This is typical, don t get mad. Yes or No b. I m upset. Let it go! NBD (No big deal!) Yes or No c. If I make a bad choice and hit, I could hurt someone or get suspended. Yes or No d. If I make a bad choice, people (can list names) will be unhappy with me. Yes or No e. If I do well, they ll be proud. Yes or No 4. Am I warmed up and ready to play? Yes or No 22

23 The brain is designed to change in response to patterned, repetitive stimulation Stretch! Topic: 1, Anger is a good emotion? YES NO 2. People like Martin Luther King used their anger to positively change the world? YES NO 3. Anger needs to be let out right? YES NO 4. When my anger starts to grow, it s helpful to: Take some deep breaths or count? YES NO Think about a pig in a mink coat? YES NO Say to myself Stop and think, don t be a dink, YES NO NBD, or Let it go, Joe? Take a step back and think whom am I really mad at? YES NO Think about me being in a calm, beautiful place? YES NO 5. Sometimes we get too angry because of stinkin thinkin We overreact to situations, thinking the very worse? YES NO 6. It s often helpful to replace negative with positive, more YES NO hopeful thoughts? 7. If I get angry and make a lousy choice, there will be serious consequences which make life miserable? YES NO 8. If I control my anger properly, like I ve done many times in the past, we ll all feel pretty good. YES NO 9. I m an awesome kid? YES NO 10. I m going to make something of my life! YES NO 23

24 Externalizing & Naming Negative Behaviors Giving life to a problematic issue or bad habit by naming it (i.e. externalizing ) can help kids rid themselves of problematic tendencies/habits/compulsions. Examples: A child who needs to do things perfectly: Get lost Mrs. Perfecto! Get out of here. Get off my back, you loser! A child who is prone to behavior outburst: Get out of here Mr. Fitz! A youth who talks rudely: Get lost Rudy! You re nothing! A youth who argues incessantly: Go far Mr. R! You re through Mr. R Gue! A child who is reluctant to write: Get out of town, Mr. No Write! A youth who is often late to school, or truant: Tell Mr. I.B. Tardy/Truant not to get you in trouble next week. Rudy Create your own: Bad Habit Name 24

25 Humor in the Lifespace Role of Humor Forms a bridge between adult/child world (i.e. counters resistance) De-mystifies individual persona/reduces power messages Enhances relationship building Tension reducer Provides effective modeling Improves self-esteem Enhances identity formation (e.g. niche theory) It's FUN!!! It's reflective of the environment Demonstrates caring Rules: Try! But give up quick Do not view the use of humor as an extra; it should be an integral communication technique. Make no assumptions about who can or can't be humorous - for everyone is capable! Avoid sarcasm Forms: Self-Deprecating Slapstick Joke Telling Grandiose Praise Humorous Games Musical Expression Poetry Transitional Objects & Humor Sustain "humorous" moments via: The written word Photos Recordings Videos 25

26 Behavior Modification: Strategically Using Incentive Plans Reward Improvement. Create an incentive system that s easy to administer, and follow through! Make incentive systems time-limited unless they are part of an ongoing plan. If used for one or two kids, keep charts in a private place. Be discreet! Award incentives in a private manner. If other kids complain. Why don t I get checks and rewards? be honest with them, explain that every kid is unique and that some have special needs. Ask for their help in getting the child back on track. Slowly raise expectations for incentives but don t act too fast. In general, the more troubled a kid appears, the greater the frequency he/ she should be rated and rewarded. As kids improve, frequencies should decrease. Be flexible. Incentive systems frequently need to be changed and modified. Kids often tire of the same rewards. A great deal of creativity and effort often needs to be put forth to successfully maintain systems. Make incentive charts and/or document forms colorful (but ageappropriate) and easy to read. 26

27 Suggested Rewards Adults must provide rewards based on available resources (i.e. "best possible"). Ideally, the best pay-off for a kid is individual time with an adult. This reward has obvious ancillary benefits that material items do not. For instance, a kid who earns 30 checks during a week might be able to trade them in for 30 minutes of one-to-one time with an adult. The kid could choose to do sports and/or games with the adult. Based on circumstances, it's often advantageous to allow a kid who has earned individual time to invite a friend to join him/her. If circumstances and/or resources do not allow for kids to earn one-to-one time, than earning computer time or time doing something else that's enjoyable is preferred to paying-off with material items. Other non-material rewards include: Special activity trips Additional free or recreational time Additional time at a favored activity Earning a special chore or privilege Watching a video, or having preferred music played If material items need to be used as incentives, here are some options: Comic books Baseball cards Art supplies Candy (generally for short, time-limited programs) Gift certificates Food (e.g. pizza, McDonalds, etc.) Cassettes, CDs Keyshawn Dollar Other Considerations: With older kids, using points or checks is a popular method for administering incentive systems. Most behavior charts are created on 8 x 11 paper and consist of various grids which denote the time periods in which stickers or checks can be earned, criteria for earning stickers or checks, and available incentive rewards. The Medium of Exchange Younger kids often get excited about earning chips, tokens, "gold" coins, stickers, etc. which they can trade-in for the items or privileges listed above. These symbols of success are called the medium of exchange (MOE). A very popular MOE occurs when you place the picture of a kid on a dollar bill and make photocopies (i.e. create Billy dollars). 27

28 Jack s Good Choices Chart M T W TH F TOTAL * 3 _ 2 * 4 3 9/12-17th /20-25th 4 = Great choices Met my responsibilities (chores, academics, activity participation) respectful to kids & adults 3 = Pretty good choices in the above areas. May have received a few consequences but handled them well. 2 = Some good choices handled well. 1 = Not my best day * 28 - = Train off track = Target Behavior

29 Staying on Track, Jack! Name Dates Goal(s) for the week: M T W Th F Total Don t be a fool Get a good report from school Be more respectful to the adults in my life (Here s some advice, talk real nice!) Total 2 points = Excellent effort in this area 1 point = Okay effort in this area -- = Train off track 29

30 Date Bills s Good Choices Plan Bonus Checks Sit and Relax, Learn to the Max Stays in room more often, takes breaks inside of class, focuses on work without involving others Let it Go, Joe I Can You Know (Controls anger, makes good decisions, respectful to kids and adults) Outside the Room Bring JOY, not Doom Has good transitions, Respectful to adults outside of class. Daily Totals M* am pm T W TH F = Did some of my homework at home 1 bonus point Total for week + = Completed all of my homework at home 3 bonus points 3 = Great choices in this area 2= Okay choices 1= A few good choices -- = Train off track Incentive: 30

31 X Lunch w/mr. A 31

32 Strength-Based Mission Statement We believe there is no such thing as a bad kid or bad parent; just bad luck and bad choices. We believe that all individuals possess core strengths that can be utilized to lead meaningful lives. We strive to help children and their families help themselves. Our work involves mutually identifying, developing, encouraging, practicing, and maximizing the inherent strengths in every individual we engage. To accomplish our program s goals we establish a positive, upbeat, and safe environment that instills hope, provides multiple opportunities for success, and, at all times, adheres to the golden rule. We believe a good life is all about making good choices. Although we have deep respect and empathy for where our clients have been, our major focus on the present and the road ahead. 32

33 Understanding, Normalizing, and Learning from our Feelings Typical Feelings and/or Traps Influenced by: 1. Angry 2. Frustrated 3. Out-of-Control 4. Disgusted 5. Guilty 6. Sexual 7. Insecure 8. Afraid 9. Overwhelmed 10. Add your own Personal baggage, limited resources, quality and quantity of supervision & training, temperament, etc. Feelings > Yes Acting on them > NO! All feelings are normal. Learn from them; they are diagnostic. Misbehavior is a coded message. 33

34 Check Your Baggage at the Door This is a reflective questionnaire about who you are and why you re here. No one will see this document but you. It is given to increase your self-awareness about past experiences and how they can influence present day decisions, practices, and attitude. Were you raised in a happy home? Did you receive enough attention from both parents? What kind of limit setting did your folks employ? (e.g. spanking, yelling, logical consequences, punishment, etc.) Were your parents physically affectionate to you? What kind of values were taught and modeled? Were there a lot of rules and structure in your home? Did your childhood experiences influence your decision to work with kids? What baggage should you check at the door? What should come through? 34

35 The Observing Ego I m REALLY ticked I could just - it s okay. Stay cool ALL feelings are normal. Learn from this. I m suffering a bad self-esteem injury, but in a little while it will heal. Respond instead of React. Use the Force, Betty! I mean, Luke. Lack of support leads to punitive actions. Strategies to use in order to keep your cool: 1. Think about the principle of lack of support being related to punitive actions and don t go there. Think: I can do anything for 90 more minutes! 2. Visualize yourself walking to your car at the end of a brutal shift with a BIG smile on your face thinking I kept my cool all during the shift. I didn t react like some of others. I did good! 3. Think about tomorrow: If I respond instead of react to the end of the shift, my relationships will grow stronger and the job will get easier. 4. Think about a M.A.S.H. Unit: When I m at my worst, I need to give it my best! 5. Use the Force, Luke! Don t succumb to the Dark Side. Respond = The Golden Rule Self esteem is fragile even when it s good! Don t say or do anything to a youth or group that you wouldn t want said or done to you. 35

36 Out of Control The Affect Scale Youth s anger Adult s affect In Control Key: Establish inverse relationship As they get louder, you become more quiet 36

37 Loss of Control The Affect Scale Feeling Zone Child s Anger Adult s affect In control Inside the feeling zone there is room to model affect-laden content. Said in a controlled, but somewhat expressive manner: John, I m really upset about the choice you just made. Mary, I m angry about that... Key: If the child escalates through the zone, the adult s affect should grow more muted. 37

38 Content vs. Message You won t be around next week? 2 weeks later You won t be around next week. Use I or We instead of You and start requests with Please and finish with Thank you. Proper language sends supportive messages Body Messages C mon dude let s get it done, and then we can boogey. NBD brother. NBD = No Big Deal! vs. You need to get it done now! Speak to children and youth at eye level or below. Approach them in a calm manner. Be careful about your pace, posture, facial expression, hand movements and body position. 38

39 The Eco Map Work Finances Rate Your Level of Support Self Help Therapy, AA, Etc. Neighbors School (adult) Recrea tion Schools (kids) Commu nity Orgs. Religion Couple or Signif. Other Me Support Quotient Household Respons-- ibilities Other family Members Health & Medical (kids) Health & Medical (adult) Relatives Friends Strong source of support +3 The Support Continuum Serious drain & lack of support -3 39

40 Mastery Object Permanency years old = Second Phase of Separation-Individuation In other words: I m moving on. I m separating from my parents. I m thinking about: - Who I am? - Where do I fit in? - Where I m going? - Changes in my body? - What I ll be? - Sexuality? 40

41 Splitting Individuals whose developmental needs get skewed, primarily during the terrible two s period, tend to do a lot of splitting. In other words, they try to get the adults in their lives at odds with one another. Splitting is a normal developmental occurrence that rears its head during the terrible twos, when a child is beginning to separate and individuate and doesn t want to be told what to do. When the emerging two year old hears No for the first time, it causes stress, prompting the child to split: When mom s being good to me, that must be the good mom. When she s saying No, that s the bad mom. If parents remain balanced (i.e. set reasonable limits but stay warm and loving) during the splitting (terrible two) period, the child emerges with a good sense of self and understands that mom (and dad) can be both good or bad, but is one cohesive person, and I am too. Youth who tend to seriously split the important adults in their lives, often do so because it brings them back to the developmental stage they still need to master. If the adult caregivers refrain from splitting and stay balanced in their approach to such youth, treatment progresses. Splitting is a stress reaction. When one feels stress, in the haste to relieve it, polarization occurs: Whatever is causing the stress is bad, and the individual is good (i.e. a split occurs) The stress of working in an under-supported youth care setting or agency coupled with the developmental need for some at-risk children and youth to provoke disharmony among the staff members, often results in programs having a great deal of inter-personal and departmental splitting. Therefore, it is essential for professionals to avoid splitting at all costs: Splitting stops a youth and a program from moving forward. Youth: My mother said you guys are too punitive. Teacher: I like your mother. I ll give her a call to make sure we re on the same page. Tip: Whenever you feel yourself being drawn into a split think: I m not as good as I think and they re not as bad. Stress and a number of other factors is causing me to polarize (i.e. See things in black-and-white terms) Stop it. Find the middle ground. Communicate more. Don t be played like a puppet. Stay professional. No Every social service program in America should hang the following symbol throughout its setting: Spltting Zone 41

42 Exploring Personal Boundaries & Self-Disclosure How would you respond if a child or youth asked you any one of these questions? Do you have a boy/girlfriend? Do you have sex? Are you gay? Are you straight? Do you drink or do drugs? Did you do either when you were my age? Where do you live with whom? Where? Have you ever been abused? Been in therapy? Do you gamble? Buy lottery tickets? Where did you grow up? Any brothers or sisters? Are you my friend? Do you love me? Key considerations if asked: 42

43 Pre-Talk Considerations Number One Goal: Engage! Listen, empathize, paraphrase, offer help, apologize, repeat, offer hope HOOK EM in! Don t be defensive. Anticipate negative comments don t take them personally It s an injury and it will heal. Expect displacement (i.e. anger directed at you that is meant for someone else.) Assess your relationship and feelings toward the youth. Think PIE (i.e. everyone deserves an equal slice) The kid who is pushing you away the most, is probably the one who needs you the most (Gus Chronicles) Practice the talk in your head. Longer discussions generally have a beginning, middle, and end phase. Other considerations: 43

44 Core Verbal Interventions Supportive Interventions "You seem really upset! This stinks! How can I help? Repeating or Paraphrasing w/qualifiers Youth: "I hate this place." Worker: "You're saying you hate this place right now. (Use qualifiers: yet, at the moment, right now, etc.) Feelings Update "How do you feel about that? Sandwich Approach "You made a bad decision to knock over the plant, but I'm really pleased about how you walked away from the area. Praise and Encouragement Way to go! That was fantastico! I like the vocabulary you selected (praising the action versus the child) Humor To a fifteen-year-old: You re acting just like a teenager! Apologizing "I'm sorry for raising my voice to you. Reasoning Responses "What if we let every kid... Connecting Statements "It's not me against you. I'm on your side. I don't like having to keep you back. Empowering Interventions "What could you have done differently?" "What do you think we should do? Surface Clarifications "Let me make sure I know why you're upset. Explorative Responses (psychological) "You don't usually get this upset. Could something else be bothering you? Explorative Responses (historical) Have you ever completed such a difficult assignment? Have you ever got this angry and not hit someone? Explorative (reflective) Is that behavior working for you? Plan Making "Can we make a plan to handle this situation better next time?" 44

45 Behavior Management: Understanding, Prevention, and Principles View misbehavior as a message: Something is wrong. I need help. Try to respond instead of react to difficult behaviors. In other words, don t say or do anything to a child or youth that you wouldn t want said or done to yourself. Practice the Golden Rule Use your observing ego (e.g. It s an injury and it will heal. Respond instead of React ) Practice pattern identification. Note if a child or group act out in a predictable manner (i.e. at the same time each day, over the same issues, etc.). Once a pattern is identified, investigate your (or the setting s) role in contributing to the problem(s). What can you change, modify or practice? How can you make the environment more user-friendly? Next, seek out the youth s input and develop a plan. Constantly practice and reinforce the desired behaviors. Behavior experts suggest individuals should hear four positive comments for every one negative. Use consequences instead of punishment. A consequence is related to an inappropriate behavior, a punishment is not. Consequences reinforce the values of your setting/society. In general, the sooner a consequence follows a misbehavior the more effective it will be. Try and avoid delayed consequences except for serious behaviors. Practice progressive discipline Issue consequences that have a high probability of being accepted. Be careful about using traditional motivational approaches with non-motivational youth (A,B,C Baskets) Establish a limit setting progression. In other words, everyone should know exactly what happens if a youth refuses to accept a limit. Use best possible interventions but advocate for resources to enhance the treatment climate. Whenever possible, and for more serious behaviors, try and let the youth or group decide the appropriate consequence(s) based on two key factors: severity and frequency 45

46 Limit Setting Limit setting progresses in five clearly defined stages: First: Supportive Second: Logical Consequences Third: Physical Intervention Fourth: Processing Five: Reintegration First Stage: Supportive Interventions include but are not limited to: Verbal prompts, reminders, warnings Redirection, distraction, divide & conquering Appropriate verbal dialogue (e.g. Compromise, negotiate, reframe, support and help, explore historically, ask youth to state the rule, etc.) Hydraulically squeeze (i.e. Find a benign place for the youth (or group) to do the same behavior. Example: A youth who swears is allowed to swear one-on-one with an adult in a private location). Humor Non-verbal interventions (e.g. Hand signals, lights out, circulating around the room, etc.) Use the power of a group Channel (e.g. Have an energetic kid do something physical) Hold an impromptu meeting Vicarious reinforcement (Praise another youth for the behavior you want the youth in question to display.) Selective ignoring In general, if two or three supportive interventions don t work in a relatively short time period, a logical consequence should follow. 46

47 Logical Consequences Proximity Manipulation Levels of supervision can be intensified when children and youth behave inappropriately: John, would you please sit up front for the remainder of the activity? Carla, we're going to walk side-by-side to the gym. Billy, you will need to stay in sight of a counselor until dinner, and then we ll talk. When a youth begins to improve his behavior, he can earn the incentive of gaining more freedom, with respect to his proximity to adults. Supervision levels can be created to address unsafe, problematic acting out, such as: Insight, one-to-one, and close supervision. These levels which represent proximity manipulation can be adjusted as a kid or group regain (earn) their trust. Re-Doing Youth who have trouble meeting expectations, such as walking quietly to lunch, not running in the hallways, talking inappropriately, etc., can be asked to re-do the specific task. Okay John, I'd like you to go back to the living room and try walking here again...s-l-ow-l-y. Could you please try and redo this chore? I don t think it s your best effort. Could you please try and say that to me again? Thanks. Option: I think you said I m a wonderful dude and a sharp dresser, but I m not sure. The Directed Chat When a youth is not responding to supportive interventions, an adult if conditions permit can request a private chat, preferably in a different location. By changing location, it is often easier to approach the issue at hand with more calmness and emotional distance. Going to a neutral location often facilitates conflict resolution. An adult, for instance, could ask a disruptive youth to join her outside the kitchen for a minute. Oftentimes, by giving a kid such one-to-one attention, problematic behavior is ameliorated. 47

48 Removal of Attention At times, the best way to deal with negative behavior is to walk away from it and/or switch-off. Staff member: You re choosing to make me upset. I think I m going to take a break from being with you now. I m hoping that later we can work this out. If a staff member is becoming angry with a youth or group, a fellow staff member should be empowered to step in and take over for the person. Some programs employ a tag-off like in professional wrestling. Natural Consequences Natural consequences involve discipline that it is a natural byproduct of one s actions. Examples: I think I am going to stop working with you now. I m uncomfortable with your language. You could make better choices. I ll check back with you in a little while to see if you can talk with me in a more civil manner. If a group is too loud and unruly an adult could just sit quietly and wait for them to calm down. Other consequences could be applied if this intervention isn t successful. A youth refuses to do his homework. The natural consequence: He fails the test. A youth refuses to wear gloves. The natural consequence: Frozen fingers 48

49 Loss of Privileges Restricting a privilege, such as using a computer, going off-grounds, or missing an activity, is generally a delayed consequence and should only be used for more serious behaviors or when minor behaviors become problematically repetitive. Bettelheim: Taking activities away from a troubled child is like taking cough syrup from a person with a sore throat Reparation (Restitution, Community Service, etc.) If a child or youth acts out towards a human being or physical object, it invariably causes psychological and physical damage, respectively. It is, at times, helpful to have the youth (or group) that has offended repair the damage (within herself, as well). Examples: A youth is caught bullying others: Reparation: Have the youth apologize to the kids he/she has tormented and require her to help others for a certain duration of time. A youth throws food in the kitchen: Reparation: Require the youth to help out in the dining area. Another way to frame this consequence is to view the act of repentance as giving back. Staff member: Bill, you took away some of the respect and harmony we feel here by making the bad decision to damage the property. I d like for you to give something back by coming up with a project that will contribute to the well-being of this place. You took something away now give something back Whenever possible let the youth or group decide the consequence 49

50 Breaks (Time-Out) Children and youth often react negatively to the term time-out. As a result, it is best to use alternative terminology: Could you please step outside the room and chill out, thanks? Jim, I'd like you to sit on the bench, calm down, and think about making some better choices, thanks. Sara, would you please take break, thanks. You can choose where to do it. There are two forms of Breaks: Set Amounts and Open Ended Set Amounts = Established time-out lengths and progressions Example: 2 minutes > refusal > loss of points > refusal > contextual decision > completion of original 5 minutes > processing. Open Ended = No set amounts of time for breaks Examples: Could you please go sit on the couch for a while and chill out. > refusal > The longer it takes you to move, the less likely it becomes to for you to get involved with the activities coming up. 2 warnings (i.e. supportive interventions) > Could you please take a break. Please return when you think you are ready to calmly join the group. 2 warnings (i.e. supportive interventions) > Could you please take some space? I'll come and talk to you when you are sitting quietly. Where are Breaks Conducted? Best place: A non-stimulating area; a natural part of the room. You don't necessarily have to have specific time out areas. Give kids a choice about where to take their break. How are Breaks Conducted? Youth should always be allowed to sit comfortably to complete breaks. A break should be conducted in a quiet and respectful manner. The youth does not have to be facing the corner or wall 50

51 Extended Separation (i.e. a Breaks longer than one hour) For violent and ultra-serious behavior it is often helpful to have the youth who has offended to be away from the group for an extended period of time to regroup and work through the issue. During extended separations youth should not be bored and uncomfortable. It is not a punishment. Grounding, Restricting, & Taking Things Away Key tips: Don't take things away from a child unless what you are taking away is the source of the problem. For example: You take a radio away because you have repeatedly warned the child about it being played too loud. When grounding a youth over a specific behavior - remember - the child will most likely repeat the behavior (soon). If you make the original grounding for too long a time (such as a week), what will you do if the child exhibits the same behavior tomorrow? Groundings, restrictions, etc. should follow a progression (i.e., the first time the child does X, he is grounded to the house for X amount of time. The next time he does X, he is grounded for XX amount of time, etc. Practice: Progressive Discipline and empower the youth to help make these decisions Processing: Upon completion of a consequence, kids and staff members should generally process what occurred. They should be asked to: - Give their view of what happened. - Come up with better choices that could have been made. - Recollect if they have been in similar situations and acted more appropriately? If yes, what skills did they use? Adults should be open to admitting mistakes and taking some ownership for what transpired. Apologizing is a powerful tool. Reintegration: Review steps for integrating back into the milieu (i.e. review expectations, logistics, etc. 51

52 Self-Management Options for Children & Youth Teach students how to control their anger. Suggest the following techniques: 1. Stop and count to 5 or 10 (or 100!). 2. Take a deep breath. Breathe calmly. Take a step back from the scene. 3. Decide what the problem is? Suggest that a youth ask him/herself: Who (or what) am I really mad at? 4. Think Rap! (NBD easier than 1, 2, 3! - No Big Deal, Walk or talk, Don t be a fool stay cool, Stand tall - make the right call, etc.) 5. Think about alternative options (choices) instead of acting inappropriately: Walk away (ignore) Try and talk it out in a friendly manner Ask for help Give a reason for the person to stop 6. Think about the consequences of making a good vs. a bad choice: If I hit him, I m grounded for a week. If I walk away, I go to the Mall tonight and no hassles from home. If I hit him, no soccer after school! 7. Avoid stinkin thinkin (Life isn t what you see it s what you think!) 8. When getting angry try and replace negative thoughts (stinkin thinkin ) with more positive thoughts. Have students PRACTICE these self-management techniques and reinforce + choices 52

53 Avoid Stinkin Thinkin! Life isn t what you see it s what you think! Your friend doesn t call you back Stinkin Thinkin : She s mad at me., and a real jerk for ignoring me! Positive replacementthought: Maybe she s busy or didn t get the call. You don t do well on a test Stinkin Thinkin I m stupid! Positive replacement - No one is good at every subject thought: I m trying! Can you think of times you have let Stinkin Thinkin get in your way? Be a Good Detective! Check your past for proof that you have succeeded at difficult tasks! Any time you feel you can t do something. Think: Have I done this before? And if the answer is Yes Why not know? Why did I do it before? What did I do? How will I feel when I succeed? Or Think of other people who were in the same position (and just as worried) but succeeded. Think: If they can do it: Why can t I? 53

54 Avoid Stinkin Thinkin! Life isn t what you see it s what you think! Your friend doesn t call you back Stinkin Thinkin : She s mad at me., and a real jerk for ignoring me! Positive replacementthought: Maybe she s busy or didn t get the call. You don t do well on a test Stinkin Thinkin I m stupid! Positive replacement - No one is good at every subject thought: I m trying! Can you think of times you have let Stinkin Thinkin get in your way? Be a Good Detective! Check your past for proof that you have succeeded at difficult tasks! Any time you feel you can t do something. Think: Have I done this before? And if the answer is Yes Why not know? Why did I do it before? What did I do? How will I feel when I succeed? Or Think of other people who were in the same position (and just as worried) but succeeded. Think: If they can do it: Why can t I? 54

55 See the Future! Visualize /imagine yourself doing great at school, getting along well with the key people in your life, holding a super job, etc. The more you see it, think it believe it the greater the likelihood it will happen! Visualization When you get stressed or upset take a trip in your mind to a peaceful place. 55

56 Job(s) Money The Connections Map Rate Your Level of Support Self- Help Therapy, Al-Anon, etc. Neighbors Religion Hobbies Sports Community Groups Roommates Me School Parents Support Number Pets Siblings +3 Relatives Strong source of support Boy/Girl Friend Friends The support continuum Health (Eating. Sleeping, etc.) Physical Appearance Serious drain & lack of support -3 56

57 I m ticked. But stay cool. It s an injury and it ll heal. That s the deal! Use the Force! SELF-MANAGING I got to make the right call. Be my own COACH. Call the right play! Coach You Avoid the Dark Side! Lack of support causes stress. Stress affects your ability to make good choices. 57

58 Using Heroes to Guide Appropriate Actions (Often effective for students on the autism spectrum) All Jedi Knights worry and feel nervous during stressful encounters don t they? Doesn t Luke feel anxious from time to time? How would Luke feel if? What would Luke do in this situation? What can Jedi s do if they feel upset or anxious? How would he save the day? What would Luke want you to do? What would a Jedi Knight do? Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight Tell Vader to get lost! Use the Force my young Jedi! Stretch out your feelings. The Force is always with you Paul Gladstone Jedi in Training Tip: Use action figures to enhance the effectiveness of this approach. 58

59 Name: Date: Counselor Feedback Form 1. Did you greet all of your kids with a great attitude today? 2. Give an example where you responded instead of reacted to a child or group? (Practiced the golden rule; used the affect scale, etc.) 3. Cite times where you used your observing ego today? (Ex: Thought - "It's an injury and it will heal ; lack of support equals punitive actions, etc.) 4. Describe how you managed a transition time today / For instance, did you have the children re-trace their steps, sit quietly before exiting, did you review expectations, positively reinforce good transitions, etc.? 5. Did you reframe a troublesome behavior today? If yes, what did you say? 6. Did you use any metaphors today to inspire your kids? If yes, which ones? 59

60 7. Did you keep your setting neat today? 8. Did you use humor in an appropriate manner today (one-line rapping, jokes, etc? If yes, how? (Did anyone laugh?) 9. What was your best moment of the day? 10. Did you take any risks today (i.e. Try a new intervention? Stretch your comfort zone?) Explain: 11. Any situations you felt you could have handled more appropriately? Discuss: 12. Did you apologize at any time to a child or the group today? 60

61 13. Did you use any of the new verbal interventions that have been introduced to you? (e.g. solution focused questions, millimeter acknowledgement, connecting statement, etc) Which ones? 14. Did you say please and thank you most of the time when making requests? And were you cognizant of your body language and messages? 15. Did you do anything today to reduce splitting among team members? (i.e. staff, parents, kids, administrators, clinicians, etc.) 16. What did you say or do to build self-esteem in some of your kids? Did you create and/or modify tasks, academics, games, or sports in order to provide more success opportunities for your students? 17. Did you trumpet successes today? (e.g. post accomplishments, call a kid s parent or relative, inform a co-worker about a nice achievement, etc.) 61

62 18. Are you taking good care of yourself? Are you content with the results of your eco-map as it is today? Are there some steps you can take to raise the your level of support (i.e. support quotient)? (Keep these answers to yourself). 19. What are you doing really well as a professional? 20. Do all of your kids wake up thinking that you think they are all terrific? (If the answer is no - why?) 21. How well did you set limits today? Were you creative in the supportive stage? 22. Discuss a limit-setting situation that was difficult. What alternative approaches could you have tried? Comments/Questions: 62