Fight Less, Love More

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2 Fight Less, Love More Student Workbook Copyright by Family Dynamics Institute Excerpts and quotes from the book Fight Less, Love More - 5 Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In by Laurie Puhn are used by permission. Fight Less, Love More - 5 Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In Copyright by Laurie Puhn All rights reserved. Written permission must be secured from the publisher to use or reproduce any part of this book, except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles. Published in Nashville, TN, by Family Dynamics Institute, Franklin, TN 2

3 Table of Contents Session 1: Introduction... 5 Session 2: Tame Rudeness; Inspire Appreciation Session 3: Be More Lovable; Criticize with Influence...17 Session 4: Short-Circuit Arguments; Have a Good Fight...23 Session 5: Kick-Start Intimacy; Deter Cheating Session 6: Control Overreactions; Negotiate for Love Session 7: Reject Stubbornness; Disarm the Know-It-All...41 Session 8: Keep It Confidential; Awaken Your Silent Mate Session 9: Orchestrate the Perfect Apology; Be Optimistic Appendix

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5 Introduction SESSION ONE Introductions When your leaders call your name, please state your name, share one thing about yourself most people in the class probably don t know about you (for example, something about your family, your work, or a hobby you enjoy), and something important to you that you want to gain from this course. Please answer all three questions in 30 seconds or less! Welcome We re delighted you have chosen to take this journey with us! This course will guide you through an empowering process that will positively change the way you talk to your spouse. The change in your words will produce longterm improvements not only in your marriage, but in your present and/or future children, and their marriages because of the excellent role model you and your spouse will provide for them. We all know that too many marriages end in divorce, causing children to suffer in the process. You might not be aware that there are many couples who seem to have a good relationship from outward appearances but in reality, they are trying to hold their marriages together with emotional rubber bands. Most couples would love to make a significant difference in their marriages by learning how to talk better to one another. As a student in this class, YOU will learn how! This class should not require more than minutes a day outside class time for new conversation habits to develop in your marriage. Each week, you will read two chapters from the book, Fight Less, Love More, and practice the corresponding conversation skills at home. This book is unique because it sums up nearly all chapters with a step-by-step 5-Minute Conversation that you can use to resolve simple or difficult marriage issues. Be diligent in carving out this small yet important block of time each week to read and practice the skills. You and your spouse will experience intimate moments together, share laughter and joy, find opportunities to apologize to each other, and experience renewed feelings of appreciation, respect and love. Congratulations on taking these important steps for your marriage! 5

6 An Explanation of How Each Session Flows Ice Breaker (the first 10 minutes): As part of your homework each week, which we call Growth Opportunities, you will find a series of questions to answer before returning to class the next week. During the first ten minutes of each class session, your leaders will call on various people to answer a question. In other words, while the class leader will not ask any one person to respond to every question in class, be prepared to answer any and all questions verbally in class when directed. This will help everyone review the material and focus on the main points of the lesson. Live Exercises (30 minutes): Your leaders will divide you into groups of three or four couples. Each couple in the small group will have a turn to share (meaning that you will actually have the conversation in front of the group) the two 5-Minute Conversation models explained in the book. The leader will manage the time and announce when it is time for another couple to share their conversations. If you finish your conversation before the leaders announce that time is up, then tell your spouse and the others in your group what you learned about yourself from the present conversation or from one of your two practice conversations at home. Preview of Next Week s Session (10 minutes): You will listen as your leader sets the context for the next week s material and two people from the class read the assignment from the book. As you listen to their words, you will see the key words from their discussion for special emphasis. Take notes in the space provided each week for future reference. Explanation of Your At-Home Growth Opportunities (3 minutes): Your leaders will explain the At-Home Growth Opportunities to do before the next session. Wrap-up (7 minutes): Your leaders will ask a few questions you will not see in your Student Workbook. The answers will help everyone remember what they learned this past week and provide an opportunity to remark on what you learned from the live exercises. Ground Rules In order for this class to work for you and your spouse, there are certain Ground Rules that everyone must agree to uphold. In no certain order, here are the rules: 1. I will keep confidential everything said in class. I understand that without strict adherence to this principle, people will not speak openly as they should. To ensure my maximum growth, my spouse s maximum growth, and the maximum growth of everyone else in the class, I sign on the line below, indicating my promise not to share anyone else s story outside of class. (your signature) (date) 6

7 2. 3. When sharing in class, I will keep my comments about anyone (myself, my spouse, and anyone else in the class) on a positive note. Consequently, I will remove all criticism and disapproval from my words, gestures, and body language while in the class or while at home practicing my conversation scenarios with my spouse. My signature below means I will avoid criticisms and signs of disapproval in class, and while practicing my 5-Minute Conversations at home. (your signature) (date) If I break one of the above rules in class and must be reminded gently by the class leaders what is more helpful, I will take the correction in a spirit of love, understanding, and humility. My signature below indicates my willingness to accept any gentle correction in this manner. (your signature) (date) Message: Why This Material is so Important to Master Laurie Puhn, the author of the book, Fight Less, Love More, will provide the framework for the material covered in this course. Watch the video, listening carefully to her words of wisdom. The space that follows enables you to take a few notes from Laurie s message that you want to remember. 7

8 Preview of Next Week s Session: Manners and Appreciation Next week s session focuses on chapters 3 and 5 from Fight Less, Love More. These two chapters focus on manners and appreciation in your conversations. Take notes below on what you want to remember as two people in the class read how to practice the two 5-Minute Conversations covered in next week s material. You will need to determine the exact topics you want to discuss at home as you learn how to conduct both 5-Minute Conversations with your spouse. We recommend that you write out the conversations and read over them several times before you sit down with your spouse to share them. When you finally share each conversation, feel free to bring a few brief notes for remembrance sake, but please do not simply read what you wrote. Look into your spouse s eyes and speak conversationally from your heart to your spouse s. Fill your words with love and respect. Don t worry about not being perfect. You will get better week by week. The space that follows allows you to write any notes for your future reference. 8

9 At-Home Growth Opportunities: Before You Come to Session 2 Day 1: Read and Highlight Both spouses first read chapters 1 and 2 from Fight Less, Love More by Laurie Puhn to get a sense of context and background for the remaining chapters. Then, read chapters 3 and 5. Highlight the sentences in chapters 3 and 5 that are especially meaningful to you. Day 2: Compliment and Praise; Read Highlights; 1st 5-Minute Conversation When greeting your spouse as you enter and leave your house, give your spouse a compliment and/or offer appreciation. Say excuse me, thank you, and I m sorry whenever and wherever appropriate like you did when you were dating. Read your highlighted sections of chapter 3. Then, using the 5-Minute Manners Conversation as outlined on pages of the book as his guide, the husband selects a topic regarding some aspect of manners that he feels needs attention and leads this discussion in the correct manner. Afterwards, the wife tells him what she appreciated about his approach. Day 3: Compliment and Praise; Read Highlights; 2nd 5-Minute Conversation Continue giving your spouse compliments and appreciation for specific things he or she does and says. Followthrough on the commitments you both agreed to during yesterday s 5-Minute Manners Conversation. Read again what you highlighted in chapter 3. Then, using the 5-Minute Manners Conversation as outlined on pages of the book as her guide, the wife selects another topic regarding some aspect of manners that she feels needs attention and leads this discussion in the correct manner. Husbands, compliment her approach. Day 4: Be Grateful; Read Highlights; 3rd 5-Minute Conversation Continue giving your spouse compliments and appreciation for specific things he or she does and says. Continue to live by what you both agreed to do in both of your 5-Minute Manners Conversations the previous two days. Read again what you highlighted in chapter 5. Then, using the 5-Minute Conversation to Change Your Attitude about Gratitude as outlined on pages of the text book as his guide, the husband selects a topic regarding some aspect of gratitude and leads this discussion in the correct manner. Afterwards, the wife tells him what she appreciated about his approach. Day 5: Be Grateful; Read Highlights; 4th 5-Minute Conversation Continue giving your spouse compliments and appreciation for specific things he or she does and says. Continue to live by what you both agreed to do in both of your 5-Minute Manners Conversations the previous two days. Read again what you highlighted in chapter 5. Then, using the 5-Minute Conversation to Change Your Attitude about Gratitude as outlined on pages of the text book as her guide, the wife selects a topic regarding some aspect of gratitude and leads this discussion in the correct manner. Afterwards, the husband tells her what he appreciated about her approach. 9

10 Day 6: Keep Commitments; Read Highlights; Answer Session 2 Ice Breaker Questions Continue giving your spouse compliments and appreciation for specific things he or she does or says. Say excuse me, thank you, and I m sorry whenever and wherever appropriate. Continue to apply what you both agreed to do in both of your 5-Minute Conversations. Read again the highlighted sections of chapters 3 and 5. Then, answer the Ice Breaker Questions on pages of this Student Workbook. Be prepared to share any of your answers to the Ice Breaker questions if called upon in class at Session 2. Day 7: Keep Commitments; Read Highlights; Select New Topics for Class Conversations Continue giving your spouse compliments and appreciation for specific things he or she does or says. Continue to live by what you both agreed to do in both of your 5-Minute Conversations. Read one last time your highlighted sections from chapters 3 and 5. Then, select two new topics to discuss in class one topic for the Manners Conversation and a second topic for the Gratitude Conversation. Write the topics for both types of conversation here: New 5-Minute Manners Conversation topic for discussing in class: New 5-Minute Conversation to Change Your Attitude about Gratitude topic for discussing in class: You will lead one of these new conversations with your spouse while several other couples observe and learn from you during the live exercise. In turn, you will get to observe and learn from the others in your group. Wrap Up Your leaders will ask you a few questions to answer aloud in class. The questions don t call for right or wrong answers. They ask your viewpoint, so no answer is wrong as long as you honestly answer the questions. Join in the discussion but allow others to answer as well. This short discussion will remind everyone of what we all accomplished this past week. 10