Beth Sholom B nai Israel Bar/Bat Mitzvah Procedures and Policies

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1 Beth Sholom B nai Israel Bar/Bat Mitzvah Procedures and Policies What is Bar/Bat Mitzvah? The term Bar (for boys) or Bat (for girls) Mitzvah, properly translated means "someone obligated to observe the commandments." When a boy or girl reaches the age of 13 (12 for girls, though American custom postpones the celebration), s/he has an adult's religious obligations and status-- daily prayer and the privilege of being counted as one of the quorum of ten. S/he can be called to the Torah and is now personally obligated to live a Jewish life, with all its ritual and ethical demands. One significant new mitzvah at this time is putting on tefillin each day, whether at synagogue or home at morning prayers on weekdays (this is discussed later in this guide). In every sense, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a beginning, not an end. Judaism emphasizes the intellectual maturity of covenantal behavior: prayer, study, and personal obligations. The term Bar/Bat Mitzvah has a dual connotation. Becoming a Bar/Bat Mitzvah permanently changes a person for the rest of his/her life; it denotes the ceremony marking that milestone in life (a single event occurring on a specific date). Secondly, and more importantly, it connotes the status of the individual. A boy becomes a bar mitzvah at age 13, and a girl, a bat mitzvah at age 12. All Jewish adults are b'nai mitzvah, the people of the Torah, bound by its precepts, holy teachings, and personal responsibilities. Just a few notes on proper usage of the terms Bar and Bat Mitzvah: The plural forms respectively are B'nai Mitzvah and B'not Mitzvah. When both boys and girls are referred to, they are B'nai Mitzvah, as in "there are seven B'nai Mitzvah at the synagogue this year." The term B nai Mitzvot is never correct. These words should not be used as verbs. A boy is not "Bar Mitzvahed." Rather, he becomes a Bar Mitzvah. In fact, one becomes a Bar or Bat Mitzvah at age 13 or 12, respectively, with or without a ceremony. As explained above, the designation refers to rights and obligations. The ceremony is so called only because it publicly marks and solemnizes the attainment of this status. Requirements for B'nai Mitzvah at Beth Sholom B nai Israel 1. Attainment of proper age. See above. 2. Five years of study in an acceptable religious school or Hebrew day school. Most children begin their studies at age 5. The "5 year rule," as promulgated by the United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism, is a minimum requirement. It should be understood that the purpose of Jewish education is to prepare a Jew to live a Jewish life, not just to celebrate a Bar or Bat Mitzvah. Incidentally, skills such as Hebrew reading and prayer chanting make Bar/Bat Mitzvah preparation possible. Reviewed and edited May,

2 RELIGIOUS SCHOOL ATTENDANCE MUST BE REGULAR. EXCESSIVE ABSENTEEISM MAY RESULT IN POSTPONEMENT OF THE BAR OR BAT MITZVAH CEREMONY DATE. THIS COULD CAUSE SERIOUS PROBLEMS IF A CONTRACT HAS BEEN SIGNED WITH A CATERER. If for some reason the child could not begin religious school by age 8, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremony may take place at an age older than The Bar/Bat Mitzvah candidate must attend Shabbat morning services on a regular basis for two years preceding the ceremony. The parents are urged to attend with the child, not only to set a good example, but also to gain familiarity with the service. Both Hebrew school attendance and Shabbat service attendance are required of the Bar or Bat Mitzvah candidate. It is not fair to expect your child to study seventh-grade Hebrew with first-grade skills, nor is it fair to ask the Cantor or your child to achieve results from an inadequately-grounded level of Hebrew reading and knowledge of basic prayers. For this reason, attendance and skills in both of these areas will be monitored; and, if found lacking, a postponement of the ceremony may be required. 4. A tallit and a pair of tefillin must be acquired for boys. See section on "The Importance of Tefillin." A girl may, if she wishes, accept the mitzvot of tallit and tefillin. In the case of tallit, this should not be for the Bat Mitzvah day alone, but a commitment to the mitzvah. Girls choosing this option will receive the same training as the boys. 5. The family shall provide the Kiddush following the service at which the Bar/Bat Mitzvah takes place. There should be just one Kiddush to include both our regular worshippers (approximately 65) and those present especially for the occasion. Sufficient refreshments are to be provided. It is the recommendation of the Ritual Committee that the requirements of the Seudat Mitzvah may be met at this time if the kiddush is expanded to a Kiddush Luncheon open to the entire congregation. (See below concerning Seudat Mitzvah.) Should there be financial difficulties in this regard, the family should discuss the matter with the Rabbi. 6. The family must be fully current in their financial obligations to the congregation. Bar/Bat Mitzvah Preparation The date of the ceremony is set two or three years in advance. Technically, a Bar or Bat Mitzvah may take place on Shabbat morning, Monday or Thursday morning, or Rosh Hodesh. It is ritually correct for all men attending morning services on weekdays to wear tefillin. If a date other than Shabbat is chosen, all men receiving honors will be required to wear tefillin. For those unfamiliar with the procedure, the Cantor or Rabbi is available to provide instruction. A Sunday Rosh Hodesh ceremony is possible only if Religious School is not in session that day. In that case, all men receiving honors will be required to wear tefillin. National holidays are not available for these ceremonies. Reviewed and edited May,

3 Eight to ten months prior to the event, the student will begin individual studies with the cantor. S/he will receive a booklet and other materials, and will be assigned passages for preparation. Mastery of the musical symbols (cantillation or "trope") will alleviate the need for memorization and will help the student become an independent learner. A computer software program and CD will be provided which include all the blessings, prayers, and trope. Every Bar and Bat Mitzvah candidate will be asked to write a D'var Torah and a personal prayer. The family is also involved in Bar/Bat Mitzvah preparation by: helping him/her set aside time each day to study arranging for family attendance at Shabbat services working with him/her on the personal prayer and D var Torah. Parents should set a proper example by attending services with their youngster. This can be a most meaningful mode of involvement for the entire family. Several honors are connected with the Torah service. These may be distributed by the family to individuals of their choosing. We would appreciate your preparing your list of honors two weeks prior to the event. Save yourself the last-minute tensions of gathering the Hebrew names (and the Hebrew names of their parents) of each of those who will say the blessings at the Torah. By doing this well in advance, you will have the time to send a letter with instructions to the honorees so they can perform knowledgeably on the bimah. You will find an honors form and copy of the Torah blessings in your packet. You can also request the form be ed to you from the cantor for computer completion. Parents Prayers Milestones along our path of life remind us of our special relationship with God and our connection to the Jewish people, past, present, and future, and its destiny. On such occasions it is most appropriate that words of prayer be spoken. In addition to the prayer composed by the Bar/Bat Mitzvah candidate, the parent/s may wish to say a public prayer as well. The Rabbi can provide models in helping you compose your own prayer. Tzedakah The concept of giving Tzedakah will be discussed when meeting with the Rabbi. It has become the custom at Beth Sholom B nai Israel that youngsters pledge to set aside some portion of their gift money to give to some worthwhile Jewish institution in honor of the simcha. Beth Sholom B nai Israel is a MAZON partner. MAZON is an organization providing a Jewish response to the problem of hunger in America. Families are urged to donate to MAZON an amount equal to 3% of expenses of their Bar/Bat Mitzvah party meal. These funds are then distributed to various food banks and soup kitchens throughout the country. In this way, the long tradition of allowing the needy to share in our good fortune is continued. Reviewed and edited May,

4 We also urge all families to take food leftovers from their party to Shepherd's Place, the soup kitchen run by the Manchester Area Conference of Churches. You must make arrangements to take such leftovers to the soup kitchen on Monday. No food may leave the Temple on Shabbat. Invitations It is recommended that the text for your invitation, including all inserts, be submitted to the Rabbi before it is printed. Mistakes that may be overlooked by you or the printer will be caught by having the Rabbi proofread the text. Parents should be sensitive to the feelings of the young people in the Bar/Bat Mitzvah class. If only a few members of the class are excluded from a celebration, deep hurt is caused. The family should plan to invite either the entire class (we can give you a mailing list) or only a few friends. Please pay particular attention to this important matter. To celebrate your child's attainment of the age of mitzvot, and then to transgress those commandments by hurting a fellow classmate, is surely a contradiction. Programs The BSBI office will prepare a program for the service unless the family chooses to do their own customized program. If that option is chosen, the program should be submitted to Rabbi and Cantor one week prior to the event for proof reading and approval and prior to printing. This deadline must be met in order to ensure the use of your programs at your event. Floral/Bimah Decorations It is the usual practice to beautify the sanctuary by placing a floral arrangement on the pulpit--the lovely custom in the tradition of hidur mitzvah (the beautification or enhancement of a commandment). If arrangements are made with a florist, the flowers must be delivered on Friday before 1 p.m. Flowers may not be removed from the synagogue until after Shabbat. When decorating the bimah for a Bar/Bat Mitzvah, families may choose to order a floral centerpiece, or use the silk arrangement owned by the Sisterhood of Beth Sholom B nai Israel. Should a family decide to do something other than flowers, then the following policy must be adhered to: The decoration must reflect Jewish laws and traditions and be in keeping with the solemnity of the occasion. In addition, it must be aesthetically pleasing so that it enhances the joy of celebrating Shabbat. Realizing that beauty is subjective, this determination will be made by the Ritual Committee, on behalf of the congregation. A drawing, pattern or prototype must be submitted to the Ritual Committee at least two months prior to the event. Each request will be handled on a case-by-case basis due to the nature of differing designs. The Committee, in consultation with the Rabbi, will make the final decision. Candy Throwing It has become a custom at Beth Sholom B nai Israel to throw candy at the Bar/Bat Mitzvah following the Mi Shebeirach prayer recited by the Cantor and Rabbi. If you want this to happen, you must purchase one (1) bag of Sunkist Gems (soft gels) and divide them into two baskets. Assign two people (children optional) to distribute this candy to people sitting in only the first three rows of the sanctuary, not further back. The proper time to distribute the candies is during the 7 th aliyah. Candy should be brought to the synagogue on Friday. Reviewed and edited May,

5 The Seudat Mitzvah The following resolution was passed by the BSBI Board of Directors on December 12, 2007 superceding the By-law concerning Bar/Bat Mitzvah celebrations adopted March 10, 1965: A Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremony marks the entry of the celebrant into the adult Jewish community, and as such, is a community celebration. The meal celebrating a Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremony is a Seudat Mitzvah, a religious celebration. A Seudat Mitzvah is a celebratory meal that begins with Hamotzi (the blessing over bread), concludes with Birkat Hamazon (the Grace after meals), and is in keeping with the laws of Kashrut and Shabbat. It is customary to include the community in this meal. The above are standards at Beth Sholom B nai Israel, and families are expected to pledge adherence to this policy at the time the Bar/Bat Mitzvah is scheduled. These are specifics of Sabbath observance at BSBI: 1. All foods to be used in the synagogue on Shabbat must be brought into the synagogue by 1 PM on Friday. Nothing may be removed from the synagogue until after dark on Saturday. Foods to be used on Saturday night may not be brought in on Saturday before the time for Havdalah, 34 minutes after sundown (52 minutes after time of candlelighting). 2. No food may be cooked in the synagogue on the Sabbath. Reheating is permitted. No preparatory work for a Saturday night affair may be done on Saturday before Havdalah. 3. Taking photographs, using mechanical means for reproducing music, and playing any musical instruments are prohibited. Video and audio recording devices are also not permitted. 4. Smoking is prohibited. 5. A Saturday evening celebration held in the synagogue may begin before the time for Havdalah under the following conditions: a. No Shabbat-prohibited activities begin prior to the end of Shabbat b. No food may be cooked until Shabbat is over. These rules apply to non-jews, such as the photographer, caterer, band, etc., just as it applies to Jews. Note the following regulations regarding Kashrut: 1. No foods prepared, cooked, or baked at home may be brought into the synagogue. 2. Baked goods to be brought into the synagogue must come from kosher bakeries only. Packaged baked goods must have a recognized symbol of Kashrut on them. 3. Non-catered foods to be served at the synagogue must be prepared in the synagogue kitchen under the supervision of the Rabbi or another qualified mashgiach. Reviewed and edited May,

6 4. Only caterers under rabbinic supervision may be used. Check with our office regarding the caterers that qualify. A list of rules and regulations governing the facilities by the caterers is in the synagogue office (a copy of which is displayed in the kitchen), and must be complied with by the caterers and the people who engage them. 5. Any expense incurred as a result of violations concerning the dietary laws, such as replacement of dishes and utensils, will be the responsibility of the party committing the violation. The Importance of Tefillin Tefillin are the unique symbol of the Bar Mitzvah. They are a lifetime investment. The fact that the wearing of tefillin is commanded in four different places in the Torah shows how very important this mitzvah is. That one of these places is the first paragraph of the Sh'ma ("And you shall bind them as a sign upon your arm and there shall be tefillin between your eyes") emphasizes this point. The tefillin have great symbolic importance. With them, we are bound to God and our people's history. Their position on the head and the arm (next to the heart) demonstrates our devotion to Judaism and shows that we love God and our tradition with "all our heart, all our soul, and all our might." Wearing tefillin is an obligation and a privilege. It is not done before the age of Bar Mitzvah, except in the last months or weeks as practice for the real thing. Because tefillin are worn only on weekdays, they will not be used at the Bar Mitzvah ceremony (unless it takes place on a weekday), but the family is required to provide a set of tefillin for the young man. If used tefillin are purchased (or are passed down from a deceased relative), they should be reconditioned by a trained sofer. The purchase should be made at the beginning of seventh grade. It is urged, but not mandated, that tefillin be acquired for girls. A source for excellent quality tefillin at a reasonable price is online at the Federation of Jewish Men s Clubs website: The Bar/Bat Mitzvah Anniversary Many hours and months of hard work go into learning one's Torah reading, haftarah, and prayers. The anniversary of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah can be observed each year by coming to the synagogue on that date (it will change from year to year as it is based on the Hebrew calendar) to chant the haftorah,lead part of the service, and perhaps chant a Torah reading. The Cantor will contact you several weeks prior to the date so that it may be reserved. The honoree might also wish to do some brush-up work with the Cantor, who is always available to help out. Reviewed and edited May,

7 Beth Sholom B nai Israel Bar & Bat Mitzvah Checklist for Parents Do you know who you are selecting for honors. Your honors list should be given to us by the Monday prior to the event. All honorees must be Jewish, and you should be sure that the men honored all know to wear Tallit. Have you checked that those receiving aliyot know how to recite the Bracha correctly? Do you know the appropriate choreography for an aliyah? (Even if you think you do, double check with the Rabbi or Cantor). On the morning of the event, be sure that all men ascending the bima are wearing a tallit. Regarding the candy that will be thrown at the appropriate time - Purchase a reasonable amount. Sunkist Fruit Gels work very well. (These have a Kashrut symbol, which is required, and are nice and soft) Appoint two children to distribute this candy at the 7 th aliyah (not before) and only as far back as the third row. Do you know about MAZON? If not, talk to Rabbi Plavin. Your youngster will be asked to choose a tzedakah commitment. If you want input on this, do appropriate preparation. If there are leftovers from your kiddush or meal, you should plan to give them to the Soup Kitchen. Call to get their hours for receiving food. Are you aware that nothing can be removed from the synagogue before Shabbat is over? If you want to come back to get anything on Saturday night, you will have to make an arrangement to get into the building. In planning whom to invite, keep in mind the issue of not hurting any members of your child s Hebrew school class. Either include the entire class, or just invite a select few. Also, did you send a note to our school principal asking to invite all the teachers to the service? Is the office clear on your needs for room usage? Do we have a bio and photo for the bulletin? Do you want an opportunity to stage photographs? If so, clear a time slot with the Rabbi and Cantor well in advance. Is the Rabbi s text of the d var Torah the same as the one you are using? This will be needed for the program booklet. Have parents prepared an appropriate prayer? Speak to the rabbi about this. Is your caterer still under appropriate and approved rabbinic supervision? Only caterers with approved supervision may work at our synagogue. If you are having a party outside of our facility, does the caterer know what is permitted and what is forbidden? Are you familiar with our synagogue s policy regarding Shabbat observance and kashrut at your Bar/t Mitzvah party, wherever it is held, in the synagogue or elsewhere? Call the synagogue office to inform us of your celebration plans. We must know what caterer you will be using at least six months prior to the event. Reviewed and edited May,