GRIEF A NORMAL EMOTION THE WHEEL OF LIFE

Transcription

1 GRIEF A NORMAL EMOTION THE WHEEL OF LIFE

2 A human being is a single being, unique and unrepeatable. John Paul II References: Coping with Grief, Mal McKissock Pamphlets from Tobin Brothers, Funeral Directors A Time to Live, A Time to Die, Theresa Plane written by Margaret Aldous

3 INTRODUCTION The loss of a loved one is usually very difficult. When you are least likely to be in control of your emotions people often expect you to make decisions and may rely on you for support. This booklet is designed to help you make some sense of your feelings and to help explain how grief may affect you. PREPARATION FOR DEATH When a death is anticipated it is often beneficial for both the person who is dying and their loved ones to talk to one another and say things that are important that the other know. Things such as expressing love, healing misunderstanding or old hurts and making plans for the future for those remains. In the time leading to a death, families and significant others are encouraged to spend as much time as they wish with their dying relative or friend. Staff will be able to support you and answer any questions and concerns you may have at this time. INITIAL FEELINGS Death is almost always a shock even if it has been expected. Simple tasks become difficult and you frequently feel numb. You may have friends and relatives with you to help and listen. It is quite normal and healthy to feel the need to talk over your feelings and the events surrounding the death. Acceptance of the death often begins this way. If you would like to see your loved one following their death this is usually possible either at Cooinda Village or at the funeral parlour. This is often beneficial both after an expected and unexpected death as it proves a chance to say good-bye, to talk to the person and to complete any unfinished business. It often helps to acknowledge that death has occurred and to confirm that the person you loved has actually died. You can see the person at peace, especially if they have suffered in life.

4 If you choose to spend time with your loved one and no one else feels able to attend with you, ask for assistance from those around you, the nursing staff or the funeral director. Do not be hurried, this is quite a private time and your chance to spend time with that person. Perhaps you would like to give the person something, such as a letter or some other significant item or a child may like to give them a picture or a loved toy. Following an anticipated death after a long battle with a terminal illness or old age, sometimes a family will experience a sense of relief. This should not lead you to feel guilty, it is appropriate to feel relief and gratitude that your relative has been freed from suffering with death.

5 ARRANGING A FUNERAL For most people the funeral is a key part of the grieving process. It offers a chance for you to face the reality of death. It can be a celebration of the life of the loved one who has died and an opportunity to say goodbye to them. The family should notify the funeral director of their choice that the death has occurred. It is the funeral director s role to arrange the ceremony, in accordance with the family s wishes, complete the necessary papers and register the death with the Government registrar. They will discuss arrangements with you for the burial or cremation and co-operate with the clergy or funeral celebrant in arranging the service. The person arranging the funeral should give some consideration to the cost of the funeral and it is appropriate to discuss the cost of the services that are to be provided with a written quotation before reaching agreement with the funeral director. Occasionally the funeral director may advise against a viewing of the person. Should this be the case, it is not a decision made lightly by the funeral director and careful consideration should be given as to whether to view the person or to remember them as they were. Sometimes the person who is dying wishes to prearrange their funeral and this wish should be respected, although it is not uncommon for some of the family members to feel uncomfortable about this decision. Also consideration can be given to what the person would like to be dressed in for their burial and this can be discussed with the funeral director. Many families choose to take a video at the funeral service, as often at the time of the funeral they are so absorbed in their grief that later they have little recollection of the service and appreciate the chance to view it again. This is also beneficial if family or close friends are unable to attend the service; so they are able to witness the service at a later time.

6 THE IMPACT OF GRIEF Grief is a healthy human response to loss, not only through death, but separation, divorce, miscarriage, disability, loss of job, of property, children leaving home etc. It is the price paid for love for when people lose that which they love, they grieve. Grief takes time to work through. It is a natural response to a significant loss. It is common to experience some or all of these feelings or emotions:- Numbness Denial Fear or panic Unreality Anger Guilt Helplessness Crying a state of shock. unable to think clearly, or to believe what has happened. that the death has occurred No, it cannot be true. at what lies ahead How can I manage? of being left alone. of having to go on. of a similar event happening. the feeling that Surely I will wake up and this will all have been a dreadful dream, and everything will be back to normal. directed at various sources. If only. at humans inability to have control over many situations. usually spontaneous and uncontrollable. Sometimes people reach the stage where they feel they have cried themselves out. They would like to cry but have no tears left.

7 As time passes other feelings may also occur: The need to go over and over the events leading up to the death. If the death has been sudden or traumatic you may experience a need to try to piece together what has happened to the person prior to death and how the death has occurred. Constant thoughts and reminiscences of your loved one and inability to concentrate on other things. Crying Depression Feelings of Anger Guilt Remorse often out of the blue. mood swings, sadness, feeling unable to go on with your life. The feeling of being physically and mentally drained, of emptiness. Wondering Why bother? things will never be the same again. being deserted by the deceased. Why me?.... often at the person who has died for leaving you. that more was not done to help your loved one. at the lack of understanding by others. maybe for the bad times, or for things said or done that are now regretted. maybe you would have done things differently had you known the person was going to die. Unfinished business frustration over things that had been planned together and not achieved, or things not expressed to the person before they died. Pining for the person a heartfelt sense of longing for the person, an emptiness inside Sighting a feeling that you have seen the person who has died, in a crowd, only to realise it was someone of the same height, build. Seeing or hearing the person

8 about the house. Often these feelings occur when your are between sleep and waking. It is also common to hear the sound of someone coming home e.g. the car door slam at the same time you would normally expect the person to arrive home. Disorganization unable to get things into context and the thought that you may really be going out of your mind. Fearing emotional breakdown. Tasks which previously seemed simple suddenly become difficult or impossible to do. Loneliness the lack of someone to confide in to be your friend. Anxiety and possessiveness towards others in the family fear they may be injured or killed. Withdrawal the feeling that you cannot or do not wish to talk or be with anyone else because the pain is too intense or they not understand how you feel. Most people experience some or all of these feelings and they may be particularly intense if: - the death was sudden or violent; - there was a great dependence on the person who has died; - your relationship with that person has been difficult or at a difficult stage; - the stress occurred on top of other stresses. It is important for you to find someone with whom you are able to express these feelings freely without embarrassment or fear of judgement. Stopping the feelings will stop the process of grief and slow down your path through grief.

9 BEGINNING TO REORGANISE It is probably true to say that for most people grief changes them. For many people small reminders can bring up intense sadness and feelings of grief many years past. However most people eventually come to accept and live with the loss. It is not possible to return to the situation you were in before, but you can come to accept the new situation. Grief is a healing process; you must go through it if you are to organise your life in a meaningful way in the future. Eventually you will find that you are beginning to see things logically and realistically again. Often there will be periods when you feel you are recovering only to find that something reminds you of the person who has died and you are overwhelmed by sadness again. Or perhaps you may feel guilt that you are beginning to have periods of feeling better and laughter. All these experiences are normal and need understanding by friends and family. HELPING YOURSELF Accept help from friends it is difficult to recover alone. Allow yourself time to work through your grief, do not have expectations that you should recover within an allotted period of time. Give yourself permission to cry, scream, grieve, it is important not to bottle up your emotions. Many people find that the feeling of pain appears to get worse, instead of better. This will eventually improve if you express your pain. Be careful in the use of tranquillizers and alcohol. They can cloud your awareness to the extent of grief, without allowing you to deal with it constructively.

10 You may feel a shift in some of your friendships. Some people may find your new situation difficult to deal with and not know what to say to you or how to react to you. Carefully select those people who seem to understand and care, who you can confide in and talk openly to, allow them to become a little closer to you. Accept that others who cannot cope with your grief are still good friends, so give them space to be your friends even though they may have trouble accepting your grief. As time passes attempt to start doing a few different things, things you did not do with the person who has died, e.g. going to the pictures, a sporting event, or an adult education course. Initially it is very difficult, but keep trying. Massage, relaxation and meditation can be very beneficial, to relieve the stress and trauma to which your body has been subjected. Attempt to maintain an adequate nourishing diet. Initially it will be difficult to eat at all, but gradually you should attempt to begin eating nourishing meals again. Illness is often more common in those who are grieving, so it is important to care for yourself and your body. Keeping a diary appears to benefit many people as it gives them the opportunity to express their emotions and also on rereading a chance to gauge how they are progressing through the healing process. Try not to make important decisions in the first twelve to eighteen months. This of course is not always possible, but it adds extra stress to you and you may later regret the decision made. Birthdays, anniversaries and traditional family times, e.g. Christmas, Easter, are often very difficult as your sense of loneliness and memories of past times come flooding back to you. It is normal to feel very sad at these times so do not try to hide your emotions.

11 BEREAVEMENT COUNSELLORS Sometimes it is helpful to seek support from people other than friends and family, particularly if there are some emotions you are not comfortable in expressing. There are a number of people available with whom you can talk openly, trust and who will respect your confidentiality. Feel confident to seek their support if you feel you are not gradually beginning to feel better. WAYS TO HELP A GRIEVING PERSON Be there even though you might feel helpless, it is appropriate to feel helpless, and words you might say cannot make the bereaved feel better, so do not seek frantically for something meaningful to say compassionate silence is a great comfort. Physical contact, touching, holding etc. maybe beneficial, if you both feel comfortable with contact. Be patient, allow them to talk. There will be the need to go over and over the same thing many times; be supportive, understanding but never judgmental. Permit expressions of anger and guilt, encourage the person to continue to talk. Efforts to comfort by using phrases like there, there don t cry are not appropriate and should certainly be avoided, as it implies that the person should not express their grief in that manner. VERY IMPORTANT LISTEN, do not talk, it is very off putting to be wishing to express your emotions, but not able to get a word in edgeways!!

12 If you feel you are unable to continue to support the person, or that they are not progressing over a period of time, suggest that the person seek further help and if necessary go with them to get the support. The acute crises of bereavement may last several months, but it may take several years before the person can recover and reorganize their life. Never be afraid to tread the path alone. Know which is your path and follow it wherever it may lead you; Do not feel you have to follow in someone else s footprints. Eilleen Cadddy

13 CHILDREN AND DEATH Generally speaking children younger than four, view life and death as temporary conditions and anticipate that the person will return. Children four to six have a better understanding and often death is associated with a personal loss that the person is not longer available to do things or be with the child. It is appropriate to explain to the child that the person is not able to return to be with them. Answers need to be brief, simple and repeated as necessary. From the age of about seven to ten children begin to comprehend the finality of death and progress through the thoughts of what happens following death. From the age of about eleven children are beginning to think more abstractly and are searching for meanings and values. Children of all ages should be told the truth about the person who has died and statements such as Grandpa has gone on a long trip etc are highly inappropriate. It is usually appropriate to simply say Grandpa has died. As far as possible the death should be faced opening and honestly together by the family. Physical closeness and contact can be reassuring at this time. With regard to children viewing the deceased person and attending the funeral, this generally appears beneficial if it is what the child wishes. They should never be coerced or made to feel guilty if they prefer not to be involved. If they are permitted and wish to participate in these things they should be prepared in advance for what they will hear and see and be in the care of a loving supportive adult.

14 CHILDREN AND GRIEF Children grieve in short bursts. The upset may disappear only to recur in a few months with no apparent connection to the loss. They are only able to bear the emotional upset for short periods and then revert to normal behaviour. If you are prepared for these times you can treat the child appropriately with acceptance and love, helping them to choose acceptable behaviour to express their pain that is encouraging them to come and talk about it when they feel full-up or confused. Communication about death is easier when the child feels that they can talk freely about the subject and believes you are sincerely interested in their views and questions. It is important in helping children to react to a death for us as adults to be able to share our own feelings with them. If we are crying because we are sad or lonely we should be able to tell that to the child. Feelings are more important than words. Feelings are often communicated through actions, be prepared to touch, hold, caress and embrace. A child going through the grieving process needs support and understanding and permission to show their feelings openly and freely. All this may be very difficult to do when you are feeling overwhelmed and absorbed by grief yourself, whilst trying at the same time to support and help other people, especially a child. Try as far as possible to talk and listen honestly and openly with a child. It is quite common for children to feel all the emotions of grief listed above. They may express their grief in noisy play, destructive play and by becoming very possessive and clingy. It is also common for a child who has had one parent die to become frightened that the other parent will die, this is a realistic fear and requires reassurance support and love. This again requires lots of patience and understanding again at a time when your own resources seemed stretched to or beyond their limits.

15 To Those I love If I should ever leave you whom I love, To go along the silent way, grieve not, or speak of me with tears, but laugh and talk, of me as if I were beside you, for who knows but that I shall be often times? I d come, I d come could I but find a way! But would not tears and grief be barriers? And when you hear a song I used to sing, or see a bird I loved let not the thought of me be sad, for I am loving you just as I always have,.. you were so good to me.. so many things I wanted still to do.. so many, many, things to say to you. remember that I did not fear,.. it was just leaving you I could not bear to face. We cannot see Beyond.. But this I know, I loved you so it was Heaven here with you. Author unknown To everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven Eccleslaates 3.1

16 Cooinda Village is a not for profit organisation community owned facility. If you wish to contribute to this service donations can be made in memory of a loved one or in lieu of flowers at a funeral service. Donations should be marked to Cooinda Village Please find enclosed my gift to help the work of Cooinda Village $... or please charge my Credit Card Cardholder s Name: Expiry Date: / Signature: Tear off this slip and send with your tax-deductible gift. Thank you.