Coping with It All: Understanding Loss, Grief, and Mental Illness

Transcription

1 Coping with It All: Understanding Loss, Grief, and Mental Illness Let s Talk About It... We believe the single most important thing you can do when dealing with loss, grief, or mental illness is to talk about it. People are often reluctant to talk about things that cause them pain, but by ignoring the problem, we aren t able to work through grief and progress in a healthy way. Grief and Loss- The Dos and Don ts of Helping a Loved One TALK ABOUT IT Offer to help, even if you re not sure your help will be appreciated. Try to understand the situation. Ask questions, and learn what you can so that you can help in the best way possible. Sympathize and empathize as much as possible. Be willing to sit in silence. Follow up with your loved ones. Following an emotional or traumatic event (e.g. funeral, operation, diagnosis, etc.), ask your loved one how he or she is holding up. Understand that the stages of grief are cyclical, and your loved one may move back and forth between each stage. Let go of time expectations. Let your loved one grieve for as long as he or she needs to. Understand that everybody copes with grief and loss in a unique way. Grief is individual--even two people grieving the same loss will feel different emotions. Offer grieving loved ones ways to memorialize their losses. Allow your loved one to be vulnerable. Lend a listening ear, even if you don t know what to say, your authentic concern will help. Recommend help. Be willing to listen as much as possible, but don t put too much strain on yourself or your family. Your loved ones may need professional help at some point. Reassure him/her that their feelings are normal. N T GO AT IT ALONE Wait to be asked. We often postpone or withhold service, hoping people will reach out when they really need help. Many people struggling with grief or loss are too afraid or emotionally isolated to ask for help. Pretend like nothing has happened. Acknowledging that your friend is experiencing grief will help them feel less isolated. Assume that you know exactly what your loved one is going through. Acknowledge that his or her situation is unique and that his or her grief is unique. Don t minimize your loved one s loss. Press your loved one to talk if they do not feel like talking. While it is good to ask questions, your loved one might not be equipped to discuss their loss or grief, but your silent presence can offer needed comfort and support. Cease your support a couple of weeks after the event. Oftentimes, support is needed weeks and months, even years, into the future. Become frustrated or angry with someone moving fluidly through the stages of grief. Expect your loved one to move on as quickly as you think he or she should. And don t express frustration if the grieving process takes longer than you thought it would. Expect your loved to grieve or cope with grief the way you would. Avoid objects/pictures/situations that may remind your loved one of their loss. Tell your loved one that he or she should be strong or that he or she should snap out of it. Don t let discomfort get in the way of reaching out Discourage professional help or belittle your loved one for prolonged grief. Help your loved one see that there s nothing shameful about seeking professional help. Take their grieving actions personally.

2 Grief and Loss The Dos and Don ts of Helping Yourself TALK ABOUT IT- ignoring the grief will not make the pain go away faster. Get a support network. (Friends, family, church members, therapist, or support group.) Forgive, if necessary, and move forward. Harboring bad feelings/regrets will only hurt you. Help others help you. If friends or family members aren t meeting your needs, help them see how they can assist you through the grieving process. Understand that the stages of grief are cyclical, and you may move back and forth between each stage. Find positive activities to fill your time. Get involved--in your community, in your church, in school, in service. Get back to a normal routine as soon as possible. Plan ahead for grief triggers. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc. can reawaken grief. Plan ahead for these triggers so that you are emotionally prepared to deal with them. Seek professional help or grief counseling, if necessary. N T GO AT IT ALONE- connecting with others facilitates healing. Even if you are someone who normally doesn t talk about feelings, discussing your grief will help you process it. Place blame on anyone for the loss or dwell on what if s. Be angry with people who don t offer to help or who don t know how to help. Create a timeline for when you should be done grieving Give up on hobbies or interests. Avoid everyday responsibilities or important daily routines. Become frustrated with yourself if you experience grief or pain after you thought you had moved on. The truth is, you will never completely move on. But you can plan ahead and find positive, healthy ways for dealing with grief triggers. Buy into negative stigmas about therapy. There s no shame in seeking professional help when the grief becomes too much to deal with on your own. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and weak. Understand that the grieving process is unique to everyone. We all grieve differently and we all cope with grief in unique ways. Familiarize yourself with symptoms of complicated grief or clinical depression. Memorialize your loss. Express your feelings in a tangible/creative way. (Journal, scrapbook, letter to the deceased, etc.) Feel pressure to be strong. Think there is something wrong if you don t cry, or expect to go through all stages of grief in order to be healed. Hesitate to get professional help if thoughts of suicide linger in your mind, you feel numb and disconnected for a prolonged period of time, blame yourself, can t trust others, or are unable to perform normal activities. Avoid things that remind you of your loss. Look after your physical health. Give in to emotional eating, stop exercising, or mismanage your sleep..

3 Mental Illness The Dos and Don ts of Helping a Loved One TALK ABOUT IT- talk about the illness with family members and seek out people with similar experiences. Express concern to your loved one EARLY Get Educated- learn about the biological, emotional, and environmental factors that contribute to the onset of the illness Seek professional advice EARLY and put it to good use. Familiarize yourself with the stages of grief. Create a network of friends, family, professionals, or support groups. Reduce stigma- be open about sharing your knowledge and experience about mental health. Empathize with your loved one- e.g. That would be really scary to feel that way. Watch for stress indicators/signs of relapse. Praise your loved ones strengths and progress. Seek for placement of a loved one- you are not giving up on them if you can t live with them. Preserve relationships with other family members. Take advantage of resources in the community Separate the illness from the person- they are an individual, NOT their illness Fight for resources for your loved one. Recognize limitations of your loved one and yourself. Seek/appoint guardianship if your loved one has a serious mental illness and cannot care for him/herself but seek to give them as much freedom as possible. Honor your loved one s voice. N T GO AT IT ALONE- 1 in 5 families have someone who struggles with mental illness Pretend like everything's normal and hide the illness. This isolates the individual who is suffering. Try to use logic to change behavior. Get caught in a codependent relationship- this is where your identity is sacrificed to become a caregiver for your loved one. Withdraw from your life/interests. Place blame on anyone for the illness. Buy into stereotypes of those that suffer from mental illness- every person is different. Tell your loved one to snap out of it. Place your loved one in situations you know will be stressful to him/her. Create an emotional wall between you and your loved one. Put your loved one's needs above your own. Withdraw from family- you can be the greatest support. Look to the church as your only support. Let behaviors define the individual. Assume the mental health caregivers will always do their job- be vigilant in checking up. Create unattainable goals and expectations for yourself/loved one. Stand idly by if they have serious, repetitive behaviors such as compulsive spending and non-compliance with treatment. Micromanage or over-control. Allow your loved one to take responsibility for his/her own life. For further resources for families Change family roles--if you are a child, stay a child, don t become the parent.

4 Mental Illness The Dos and Don ts of Helping Yourself TALK ABOUT IT- talk therapy or psychotherapy, like cognitive behavioral therapy coupled with appropriate medications is the most effective treatment for mental illnesses. Address symptoms early--changes in sleep habits/eating, isolation, irritability, trouble focusing, drop in performance at school/work, alcohol or drug abuse, feeling of disconnect from reality, racing thoughts, etc. Watch for stress indicators- slow down, rest up, replenish and refill. Become educated about your treatment- be aware of symptoms, medication and treatment. Seek professional advice EARLY and put it to good use. Keep a record of your symptoms/treatment. Identify triggers- make a list of situations, places, and people that may lead to an increase in your symptoms. Ask for help when you need it. Learn of your self-worth, build your self-esteem Prioritize the most important things and feel accomplished when you complete those tasks. Find something you enjoy doing and make time for it. Take advantage of peer-support groups, skills training, and group psychotherapy. Be with and talk to friends or family every day. Do as much as you can on your own. Set goals, like remaining active and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Create simple, predictable routines. Practice positive self-talk. N T GO AT IT ALONE- mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, it is no different than other physical conditions like diabetes and high-blood pressure. Ignore warning signs that you are ill. Catching mental illness in early stages leads to a better recovery. Set unrealistic expectations. Ignore negative side-effects of medication, discuss with your psychiatrist your concerns. Self-medicate with drugs and alcohol. Stop taking your medication once you feel better. Take on stressful situations or expose yourself to triggers without seeking or following the advice of a professional. Ignore signs of relapse. Reduce yourself to your illness. You are a person. Forget that you can make a meaningful contribution to society. Neglect activities that are stress-relieving. Put yourself above others with illnesses. We are all different, but we can all learn from each other. Isolate yourself from those who care. Practice learned helplessness Neglect your physical health because lack of motivation, medication side-effects, or a sense of apathy. Fly by the seat of your pants. Put yourself down, focus on limitations. Plan smaller units of time and short-term goals. For further resources for families Get overwhelmed by a task by looking at the big picture.

5 Whether you are struggling with Grief, Loss, or Mental Illness, we all should. Keep the faith Have hope in Christ and the resurrection Pursue practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord in your life Seek counsel and Priesthood blessings Be productive Have fun Develop and maintain close relationships Prioritize tasks Get outside Watch for stress indicators--slow down, rest up, replenish and refill Don t assume you can fix everything, but fix what you can Be grateful for the small victories Take life one day at a time Be willing to be vulnerable Be authentic Don t dwell on the what ifs Find the right person/support network It s okay not to be okay--be gentle with yourself Find a creative outlet: scrapbooks, quilts, painting, journaling keep busy Laughter is the best medicine Utilize professional services for the sick individual Serve-give and accept service Establish a routine and good habits Take care of your physical body- get the proper rest, exercise, and maintain a healthy diet