The Loss of Your Beloved Animal Companion. Juliet Sternberg, LMSW x2

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1 The Loss of Your Beloved Animal Companion Juliet Sternberg, LMSW x2

2 So it s finally happened The experience of losing a beloved friend or relative is life changing. We may eventually get over the intense pain of grief, but we never forget them, or the ways that they impacted our life. This is as much true for animal companions as it is for human companions. For some, losing a pet can be more devastating an experience. The animal was an important family member who provided unconditional comfort and support over many phases and changes in a person s life. As you begin to reflect on what has happened since your companion came into your life, a certain chapter in your life closes. As animals commonly live for 15 to 20 years, these life chapters often include major transitions such as becoming an adult, moving homes, changing jobs, marriage, children, relationship endings etc Obviously then, many memories are associated with a pet, all of which come to the surface when the pet dies. How should I expect to feel? Grief is different for everyone, and can take from days to years to heal. It is not a linear process, but rather comes in waves some days you ll feel fine, other days you ll feel devastated again.

3 Grief can be understood in three main phases There is usually an initial phase of acute shock, despair and denial. If a long illness has preceded the loss, you may have dealt with at least some of your shock, despair and denial. You may feel numb or distraught. Some people prefer to be alone during this time, for others it is critical to be with others. It is important to ask friends and relatives to respect what you need. Phase two usually involves the greatest amount of emotional pain and suffering as you come to realize the extent of your loss. During this period, people often worry that they are going crazy. Be reassured that you almost certainly are not. Rather it is normal and expected that you will experience a range of physical and psychological symptoms. These include sleeplessness, nausea, memory loss, difficulty communicating, numbness, confusion, exhaustion, anger. Phase three is the recovery period. Individuals who have passed through phase one and two are usually able to resume some normalcy in their lives. Although you may think very often of your loved one, the associated feelings are not as painful as they previously were. Guilt and anger Many people go through a period of doubt, guilt, second-guessing themselves, their veterinarians and friends. Unlike human medicine, you were often the one who made the final decisions about treatments or deciding not to treat. Therefore, it is normal to doubt your decisions or to feel anger that medicine couldn t change the outcome. In a way, this is your psyche trying to take control of a situation that is out of your control. During this time, it is helpful to replace the guilty thoughts with more positive ones such as:

4 Understanding that you almost certainly did make the right decisions for your companion, and other decisions would not have changed the outcome. Knowing that the loving bond you shared remained with your companion until he or she passed, and stays with you now. Recognizing that you were an excellent parent, protector and friend to your animal. Visions and dreams For the first few weeks after an animal has passed, it is common to hear or see your pet. Tapping of toe nails, collars rattling, vocalizing are amongst things often reported. Likewise, animals appearing in dreams is common. Whether these are real or imagined we will probably never know. Both of these experiences can be very comforting for the bereaved person. Ways to help heal Unlike human companions, there are no prescribed social rituals surrounding a pet s death. This is unfortunate as this kind of ritual is purposefully healing and supportive for the bereaved, and provides an opportunity to pay respect to the deceased.

5 Some ways in which pet owners have decided to ritualize their pet s passing follow : Sitting Shiva. Inviting friends to visit for a day or two following your pet s death, bringing food and drink provides an opportunity to be comforted by loved ones and to recall informally the wonderful times that you shared with our pet and the way in which s/he impacted those that s/he interacted with. Memorial gathering. Similar to Sitting Shiva, holding a memorial gathering is a more formal and limited time to gather to celebrate the life of your pet, and to provide support to you. Writing a letter to your pet and/or writing an obituary for friends can help to clear and organize your thoughts and emotions and describe to others the depths of your feelings and the life of your pet. Writing your thoughts. Grieving people of ten present their written thoughts in various ways. Some mail or simple letters to friends. Others design more elaborate productions: photographs posted to their own web pages or to pet memorial web sites such as By describing the life of your pet, a few special memories or stories, writing seems to help the transition and grieving, even if the writing is just kept in a private journal. Making a shrine or scrap book/box. It is common for bereaved people to have difficulty putting away the pet s belongings, gathering up hair, washing blankets etc. Although others may question your housekeeping, it is important to be gentle with yourself and not put time frames on this. When you are ready, it can be helpful to gather your pet s items into a box or scrapbook which you can look through during feelings of loss and sadness.

6 Remember most of all that there are no rules about grieving. The most important thing to remember is that you need to do what is right for you. For some this means carrying on a normal life, for others it means taking time out. Anything is OK as long as it helps you to heal. Resources Grief Support Group: Hope Vet Clinic, Thursday evenings, pm. Books Sife, Wallace. The Loss of a Pet. Howell Book House, N.Y., Kowalski, Gary. Goodbye Friend. Stillpoint Publishing, Stuparyk, Emily Margaret. When Only Love Remains. Friesens Corporation, Web Sites There are also numerous resources on the Web, including grief support information, discussion forums and opportunities to memorialize your pet. Some Web sites to try include: ww.petvets.com