WORST DATE EVER TEN MINUTE PLAY. By Tim Mogford. Copyright MMIX by Tim Mogford All Rights Reserved Heuer Publishing LLC, Cedar Rapids, Iowa

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1 WORST DATE EVER TEN MINUTE PLAY By Tim Mogford All Rights Reserved Heuer Publishing LLC, Cedar Rapids, Iowa The writing of plays is a means of livelihood. Unlawful use of a playwright s work deprives the creator of his or her rightful income. The playwright is compensated on the full purchase price and the right of performance can only be secured through purchase of at least three (3) copies of this work. PERFORMANCES ARE LIMITED TO ONE VENUE FOR ONE YEAR FROM DATE OF PURCHASE. The possession of this script without direct purchase from the publisher confers no right or license to produce this work publicly or in private, for gain or charity. On all programs and advertising this notice must appear: "Produced by special arrangement with Heuer Publishing LLC of Cedar Rapids, Iowa." This dramatic work is fully protected by copyright. No part of this work may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without permission of the publisher. Copying (by any means) or performing a copyrighted work without permission constitutes an infringement of copyright. The right of performance is not transferable and is strictly forbidden in cases where scripts are borrowed or purchased second hand from a third party. All rights including, but not limited to the professional, motion picture, radio, television, videotape, broadcast, recitation, lecturing, tabloid, publication, and reading are reserved. COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW. PUBLISHED BY HEUER PUBLISHING LLC P.O. BOX 248 CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA TOLL FREE (800) FAX (319)

2 WORST DATE EVER By Tim Mogford SYNOPSIS: Don t undersell yourself. This might be the worst date ever. Nick spent a lot of time planning this date with Emily, but a series of unexpected events ensures that nothing goes the way he had hoped. To add insult to injury, the date rapidly unravels in public, as shoppers pass to and fro. Will this date be the disaster it seems or will Emily see through Nick s ill-advised plans to the sweet intentions underneath? CAST OF CHARACTERS (1 MAN, 1 WOMAN, 2-5 EXTRAS) NICK (m)...teen. Serious, sincere and anxious. Nick is actually desperately romantic, though it is usually not apparent at all. EMILY (f)...teen. Bright, sweet and genuine, this might be Emily s first real date. She is young and selfconscious enough to resent Nick s lack of finesse; but she is also sensitive enough to eventually understand and appreciate where it comes from. SHOPPERS (m/f)...two to five. These roles can be played by any type, and costume changes can be used to make two people look like a different couple. Though non-speaking, there are a couple of occasions where a burst of conversation will increase the awkwardness in the written dialogue. AUTHOR S NOTE This play was originally performed with one chair, a bunch of flowers and a notebook

3 AT RISE: NICK stands next to one chair CS. He has what might have what once had been flowers in his hand. He is waiting for someone. Enter EMILY, who has clearly dressed up for the occasion. She sees him, blushes with pleasure, then looks a little concerned. EMILY: Hi. NICK: Hi! Oh - - hey! Hey. It s you! EMILY: Hey. NICK: Hi. EMILY: Hi. NICK: There you are! EMILY: It s me. NICK: Yeah - - hi! EMILY: Hi. NICK: Hi. Pause. She looks at him. NICK: Hi. EMILY: (Trying to rescue this.) Have you been waiting long? NICK: What? No. No. Not long. You re right on time. EMILY: Oh, really? NICK: Yeah. Perfect. EMILY: Great! NICK: Great! You re right. It is - - great. EMILY: Right on time for what? NICK: What? EMILY: I m perfect for what? NICK: For me. (They both realize. Embarrassed.) No - - I meant... EMILY: Yeah. Yeah, I know. NICK: It s not that - - EMILY: No, I know... NICK: Because, you know, you are... EMILY: Yeah. So anyway - - I m on time for... NICK: Oh, for this. (Waves his hand around vaguely.) - 3 -

4 EMILY: The - - seat? NICK: No - - the... (Looks a little desperate.) Well, for these. (He hands her what s left of the flowers.) They re flowers. Well, they were once. They got a bit smushed. EMILY: (Taking them, gingerly.) Yes. Yes, they did, didn t they? NICK: Yes. I got them caught in the car door. I brought them for... Well, they re - - for you. EMILY: Oh. That s nice. Thanks. NICK: Uh huh. (Pause.) I m sorry about the car door thing. It was an accident. EMILY: Oh, that s okay. NICK: I slipped on the floor when I got out. A bit. And then I waved my arms around, but that turned out to be not so good, because I had the flowers (He demonstrates.) in my hand like this, and I tried to hold them up over my head, but by then I d already pulled the door closed... EMILY: It s okay. It s fine. NICK: And, of course, they were in the door - - like, caught. And they were smushed. I tried to fix them up a bit - - EMILY: There s no need to explain... NICK: I just wanted to... EMILY: It s fine! (She s snapped a little - - they both react. Softer now.) They re great. Thank you. NICK: Oh, you re welcome. Should we - - uh. Should we sit down? EMILY: (A little confused.) Okay... (She sits on the chair, puts the flowers under it. He goes to sit, but realizes. Another moment of embarrassment.) Oh - - I... NICK: No - - that s fine. I like - - standing. (Pause.) I sit, like, all the time. Well, not all the time. I don t want you to think I m lazy, or anything. But standing is good. Is all I wanted to - - say. (Pause.) So, anyway - - hi. EMILY: Hi. NICK: Hi. EMILY: So - - you said to meet at Target and here we are. At Target. (Enter a customer with TARGET bags, who crosses from R to L.) So what now? NICK: Well, I thought all about that

5 EMILY: (Relieved.) Oh, good! NICK: (Takes out a notebook.) And so I have some suggestions. EMILY: (A little concerned.) OK NICK: And I wanted to ask you what you thought. EMILY: OK. NICK: Now I should say, if you don t like what I thought up, you gotta tell me and we ll do something else. I mean, I haven t really been on many... Well, of course it s not that I ve never... EMILY: Did you write your ideas down in that notebook? NICK: Yeah. EMILY: Ah. NICK: I like to write stuff down. EMILY: Do you? NICK: Do you write stuff down? EMILY: Well, when I m in class, I guess... NICK: Oh. I do it - - other times, too. You should try it. EMILY: I ll think about that. Anyway - - NICK: Anyway - - right! Things to do, right. (He looks at the notebook.) Did I remind you that we don t have to do this stuff? EMILY: Yes - - yes, you did. NICK: Yeah, I made a note - - see? To remind myself that you might not like these things. Because you might not. EMILY: Well, let s find out shall we? NICK: But I think you might like them. EMILY: (Terse smile.) Tell me what you planned, okay? NICK: Okay. So how about - - popcorn? EMILY: What? NICK: Popcorn? EMILY: Now? NICK: (A little nervous.) Or - - later... EMILY: Popcorn? NICK: Shall I go on to the next thing? EMILY: No - - let s stay with popcorn. Two people, chatting to each other, cross L to R. No bags. EMILY waits for them to pass

6 EMILY: I don t understand. NICK: It s - - a kind of food. EMILY: I know what popcorn is. I just don t understand why you re talking about it now. NICK: (Shows her.) It s the first thing on my list. EMILY: Yes - - why? NICK: Okay - - I m sorry. We can go right on to the next thing if you like. EMILY: No, Nick. No. Okay. Can you - - sit now? (She gets up, invites NICK to sit. She paces a little, trying to phrase this gently.) Okay - - Nick, before we go on to the next thing on your - - your list, I just want to make sure we understand each other. See, when you told me you had some suggestions about what to do on our - - date - - this is a date, right? NICK: (Shy.) Yeah... EMILY: Good - - I m glad you know that. Anyway, when you said you had some suggestions, it s just that I didn t think you would say popcorn after that. NICK: Oh. EMILY: No. You threw me a little with that one. OK, because I thought you were going to say movie or party or maybe restaurant. NICK: Ah. EMILY: See, those would be - - like typically what you do, mostly, on a - - NICK: On a date? EMILY: Right. NICK: Mmm. EMILY: Not popcorn. That s why I m a bit confused. Unless (she tries, hopefully.) you meant - - like, at the movies? Like - - you were going in order of stuff to do...? Is that what you meant? Like popcorn, then drinks, then we go in to the... you know... NICK: (Hesitantly.) Uh - - yeah... EMILY: Is that what you meant? NICK: Yeah. EMILY: Really? NICK: No-o. No. Not really

7 EMILY: Okay. So, anyway, before you read any other suggestions off that list, I thought I should - - like, say something. NICK: Yes. Yes, thanks. I m glad you did. EMILY: Yes. So...? NICK: (Nervous again.) So...? A person walks L to R. No bags. EMILY: So - - are there any things on that list that are date-ish? NICK: (Looking at the list.) Well - - EMILY: I mean, I m assuming we re not going to be staying here the whole evening, so... (something in NICK s face stops her.) What? NICK: (He puts the notebook away quickly.) Nothing. EMILY: Why did you l just look at me like that? NICK: Like what? EMILY: I think you were - - NICK: No, I wasn t. EMILY: Nick, we are - - like doing something, right? I mean - - like going somewhere...? You said you were planning something. NICK: Uh - - huh. EMILY: You said you ve been thinking about all this. NICK: Yeah. EMILY: Good, so - - are we driving somewhere? NICK: Uh - - no. EMILY: A bus? NICK: (Miserably.) No. EMILY: (Sarcasm creeps in now.) Is your bike somewhere? NICK shakes his head. EMILY: Have you arranged for camels, maybe? We can feed them my flowers! NICK: No! EMILY: (Her frustration peaks.) Nick!! NICK: I m sorry! I m sorry! Okay! I m crap at this! EMILY: At what?! We haven t done anything! - 7 -

8 NICK: (Loudly, he stands up.) All right! I m crap at dating! The two customers from before now cross R to L with bags. They are silenced by his loud admission. Then they giggle a little as they exit L. NICK winces. EMILY: (As patiently as she can.) So - - we re not going anywhere. NICK: No. EMILY: Why? NICK: See - - okay. My brother told me to plan a movie. And my mom told me to take you out to eat. I would totally have paid, by the way. EMILY: I believe you. NICK: But I didn t want to do what other people said, you know? The same things everyone does. I wanted to be more - - surprising than that. And my brother always lies to me anyway, and I mean, okay, he goes on a lot of dates, but he s really rude about the girls he goes out with - - I mean, you should hear him! So I thought to myself, maybe he s really not as much of an expert as he thinks he is anyway. Otherwise, those girls would want to go out with him, like, more than once or twice. And right now I don t see them exactly coming back for more. So I m thinking - - what would he really know? So I didn t know what to do, and so I decided to see what you wanted to do. EMILY: No, you didn t. You never asked me anything! NICK: Well, of course not! I couldn t come right out and ask you - - then it wouldn t be a surprise! EMILY: What? But - - NICK: So I asked your friends what your favorite place to go was, and I tried to listen every time you talked about what you liked to do, and the answer always seemed to be Target. And I thought that was going to be cool because I d never heard of anyone going on a date to Target before. Then I told my brother, and he said it was a dumb idea and I was an idiot, so I thought that must mean I d got it right. So anyway, I guess I thought we would - - stay here. EMILY: (Gently.) At Target? - 8 -

9 NICK: (His flow is broken now, the embarrassment returns.) Yeah, but now I m actually explaining it to you, it really does sound stupid, so maybe you could just - - go home. Or maybe we can get someone else to take you somewhere better. I m sorry. EMILY: (There s a half-smile on her face now. She sits.) Your brother s right. You are an idiot. (Picks up the flowers.) NICK: Thanks. EMILY: On the other hand, you got me flowers. NICK: Yeah. Pause EMILY: So, you were - - like, spying on me, then? NICK: No! (Pause.) Well, I suppose if you mean - - Oh, man. I never thought of it like that. I guess I was. Look, I m sorry - - I didn t mean to... EMILY: Oh, relax. I think it s actually kind of - - sweet. In a weird, disturbing, kind of stalker-like way. NICK: (Pause.) Uh - - thanks. I think. EMILY: You re welcome, weirdo. So, come on then! Tell me. NICK: Tell you what? I ve told you everything, and I said I m sorry... EMILY: No, Nick. What s in the notebook? What s on your list? NICK: Look - - just call your friends and - - EMILY: I don t want to. I ve never been on a date like this. NICK: You mean a crap one. EMILY: Don t undersell yourself. This might be the worst one ever. (Her smile is infectious.) So I m intrigued. What s next? NICK: Emily - - EMILY: Open up your book there, buddy. Show a girl a good time! What s first? NICK: (Does so.) Popcorn. EMILY: Target popcorn in the café place right where you go in? NICK: Yes. EMILY: (She shifts over a little, pats the chair, inviting him to sit down.) Great! And then? - 9 -

10 NICK: (He sits next to her.) Well, then I thought you d want to look at the clothes. You know - - the girl clothes, obviously. EMILY: You know, that s perfect because those are my favorite kind. But listen... NICK: What? EMILY: After that, can we go down to the sporting goods section and throw those big inflatable balls at each other? I like doing that. NICK: (Looks anxious.) Oh - - OK. EMILY: Uh-oh. Problem? NICK: No - - not really. It s only that I have that down as number four, after we unfold all the expensive sweaters and run. But hey, like I said, if you... EMILY: No, that s fine. I don t want to ruin your hard work. Sporting goods would be the obvious place to run. I see that. NICK: (Beams.) That s exactly what I thought! EMILY: Good. NICK: So, do you want to...? (Starts to get up.) EMILY: Wait - - can we just savor this part of the evening? Let s just sit for a minute first, and look at all the parked cars. A customer crosses from R to L with bags. NICK: (Suddenly, earnestly.) They re not all parked. Look - - that one s moving! EMILY: You know what? This date just gets better and better. BLACKOUT. THE END