The Family Conversation A Guide

Transcription

1 The Family Conversation A Guide As we age many aspects of our lives change. Wants and needs may become more important to an older loved one. Concerns about an older loved one become more prominent in the minds of children.. A family conversation to discuss these and many other issues is extremely important. Why the importance? Adult children make assumptions about their parent s wants and needs. Parents make assumptions about adult children s ability and time to assist in need. We are living longer and many parents live very independent, active lives. If a serious illness or fall happens, life may get very complex very quickly. Adult children have very busy active lives of their own, with relationships, kids, careers etc Expectations don t work Mom or Dad may think- My son John and his wife Mary will always be there to help Adult children may think- My sister Jane will take care of Mom, she only lives 5 miles away These assumptions can lead to family arguments, hurt feelings and sometimes family lawsuits.

2 A family conversion without these pitfalls? A family must reach out; this is done by a parent or an adult child. If there are multiple children; a conversation between Mom and Dad and only one or two children may be the easiest way to begin. After that conversation; gain permission to invite the remaining siblings to another call or visit. If the first conversation involved only Mom; gain permission to invite Dad to the next one. How do I reach out, will I be turned down? Most Moms and Dad s will never turn down a child if they need help. Say something like this; Hi Mom its John, I would like to talk with you, I need some help Mom will usually say-- Sure John Mom do you mind if Mary joins the call o The call-adult child to parent; Mom, Mary and I need your help in understanding something Mom, you and Dad have a great life in San Diego, great weather, etc Mom with us in Denver, we have a question, as we all age, what have you and Dad planned if something were to happen, like one of you got pretty ill or had a bad fall John we really haven t talked about it Mom, Mary and I want to be there to assist you and Dad if something were to happen Mom, that is why we wanted to chat, you know I m always traveling, Mary has her job, Joe is in College but Becky has softball practice and dance and Cody has football then baseball, our life is crazy Mom, do you think we can discuss this further

3 Mom, what if we set a time when you visit next month to sit with you and Dad and talk further o The call-parent to adult child Hey John, I hope all is well, Dad and I are wandering something What Mom We know how busy you, Mary and the kids are When Dad and I come out next month can we sit and discuss something Sure, like what Well, Dad and are talking about planning as we are getting older, you know We would like to sit and discuss this with you and Mary Mom, not a problem The Conversation Child to Parent; Remember; this isn t about you; it is about Mom and Dad! Compromise! There are many items to discuss (see below) Parent to Child Remember; don t tell them what to do! Compromise! There are many items to discuss (see below) What do we talk about? a. The Estate Plan Why? You spend a lifetime acquiring property and stuff You can determine where it goes or the state can do it for you You can go through probate or avoid it

4 Probate is costly, time consuming and your business becomes public An Advanced Health Care Directive, your wishes if you get ill b. A Financial Plan Why? Money to live, to travel and what if money What is what if money? What if you get ill or fall and need care! How are you paying for it? No, Medicare does not pay for long term care! c. Care What kinds of care are there? Skilled Nursing; recovery from a stroke, broken hip etc Assisted Living; a beautiful community that can also have independent and memory care in one location In Home Care, care in the home, a few hours a day up to 24 hrs d. Cost of Care It can be over $10,000 a month Who is going to pay for it; Mom, Dad, the kids, Uncle Charley? What about Long Term care Insurance? What does Medicare cover? e. Aging in Place Can it really work in a given situation? Is the house, condo or apartment set up for it? What about transportation, rides to doctor, medical tests, pharmacy etc Medication; needs to be managed properly? What about durable equipment, cane, walker and more What about an emergency life alert system? What about a connectivity system, with motion detector in the home? f. Moving to Senior Community Living

5 Who will pack all the stuff and move you? What about the house; rent it, sell it? What do we do with the stuff? g. Hospice What is it? How does it work? Who pay for it? What is graduation from Hospice? h. Cemetery and Funeral Planning What do you want? Do you own plots? Do you plan to buy them? Want a big party? Who do you want coming? How about Uncle Charlie? If you are having difficulties starting a conversation we have experts who can help. If you don t know the answers to all the questions above, we have experts who can help. If you want to start preplanning, we have experts who can help with that as well. If you are in crisis now, we have experts who can help.