FACTS. FACTS is a guide to help adults. Teaching Children Well THE ARTICLES INSIDE: Development Babies, Toddlers and Preschoolers

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1 FACTS THE a practical guide on healthy sexuality for parents, teachers & caregivers FACTS is a guide to help adults break the silence about sexuality and teach children about themselves. Our children s education about their sexuality needs to be open, relaxed, and ongoing from the earliest ages and from the people who know and love them best their families. Research has shown that families who talk openly with their children make a positive difference in building a strong foundation for sexual health. Children in those families tend to grow up making healthy choices for themselves and are more protected from sexual exploitation. Because babies, toddlers, and preschoolers are fascinated with their bodies and those of other children, these early years are the ideal time for parents to set the stage for healthy sexuality. All of the snuggling, hugging Teaching Children Well Tips, information and resources for parents who want to raise sexually healthy children and basic physical affection that is so much a part of this time, help establish a foundation for loving, respectful relationships later in life. Believe it or not, the foundations of sexual health begin right now! We want you to know that local family planning education departments have people you can talk to and resources you can borrow. Family Planning believes in working together with parents, faith communities, schools and community agencies. We want to make sure that our children have every opportunity to make the best possible lives for themselves. Helping the next generation of young people understand their sexuality and their changing selves is one of the most privileged, private joys of parenthood. Enjoy! ARTICLES INSIDE: Development Babies, Toddlers and Preschoolers Kids' Health Playing the Naming Game Parents Matter Teachable Moments Talking Tips No Worries Keeping Kids Safe Preventing Sex Abuse sex u al ity Sexuality is more than sex. Sexuality involves the whole person, how we think and feel about ourselves, our bodies and our gender. It also includes sexual relationships with others and reproduction. Parents, teachers, and caregivers teach children values and attitudes about sexuality. FACTS is a publication of Family Planning Association of Maine

2 DEVELOPMENT Sexuality? Really? What does THAT have to do with infants and toddlers? Take a look at these stages of child development and you ll understand that we are all sexual beings from the time we are born. You ll also get a feeling for why and how we can begin thinking about healthy sexuality at such an early age. Babies: Newborn to 18 months Infants learn about love from the way they are held, touched, spoken to and looked at. The more loving touch, the better! From birth, the sexual response system is present. Babies feel good when they are touched. It is common for a baby boy s penis or a girl s clitoris to become erect when bathed or having diapers changed. Babies naturally explore their own bodies, including their genitals. They learn that some parts feel good to touch and as their coordination improves, they may touch their genitals when they can. This is not harmful. By 18 months old, children begin to understand themselves as either a boy or a girl their gender identity. Children begin to learn what it means to be male or female in our culture this is their gender role. Toddlers: 18 months to 3 years Toddlers continue to need a lot of physical contact from parents and caregivers. They already have beginning attitudes about sexuality from parents, family members, and the media. These attitudes may include gender role information about what is appropriate for boys and girls to do or be and how to act. Children usually begin toilet training during this age. This is their first attempt at taking control of their bodies. Some children and parents struggle more than others with this transition. Masturbation (touching one s own genitals) is normal and natural. Some toddlers may use masturbation as a way to soothe themselves when they are upset or sleepy. Resist the urge to punish or overreact. Acknowledge that it feels good. Parents and caregivers can reinforce privacy, making sure that children know when and where that behavior is acceptable. Preschoolers: Ages 3 & 4 Most children understand the difference between public and private behavior by this age. To confirm their gender identity, children may imitate adult behaviors in their play. They may form a crush on a significant adult in their life. Boys and girls start to want to play more with playmates of their own gender. Stereotypical roles may be seen in their make-believe play. Sex play, such as playing doctor, between children of this age is common. It is their way of satisfying their curiosity about the bodies of the children around them. Parents or caregivers can reinforce privacy and offer to answer questions the preschooler may have rather than have them experiment with one another. Most children this age wonder where babies come from. Simple but truthful answers are best. Three and four year olds begin exerting their independence, wanting to do more and more by themselves. Children at this age may try using dirty words to see how parents react. 2

3 KIDS HEALTH encourage a healthy view of the whole body the game Learning about the body and naming its parts is a common pastime for young children. Where is your nose? Can you point to your ears? Where is Mommy s mouth? Can you find Daddy s bellybutton? This game is fun for parents and children. Not surprisingly, the genital (or private ) areas are often ignored in this game. Adults tend to leave off at the bellybutton and begin again at the knees when asking children to point out these landmarks. What kind of a message does this send to children? They must know we are skipping parts and may wonder why the parts down there are left out. Are these parts unmentionable or bad? Of course not, they just may seem embarrassing when we are not sure What Can Parents and Caregivers Do? Use the proper names for all the body parts including the genitals. For boys, include the penis, testicles and scrotum. For girls, include the vulva (external genital area including the clitoris and the openings to the urethra and vagina) and the breasts. Both girls and boys have nipples, buttocks and an anus. Children have no more trouble learning the correct words for these parts than they do learning the slang terms that abound. If these words are not words a parent is used to using, practice! Practice in the mirror, while vacuuming, or with a partner or friend. When playing the name-and-point game with body parts include the genitals when taking time to get dressed, diaper changing, toilet training or bathing. It s okay to share with your child that these parts are private and sometimes embarrassing to talk about. Reassure them, however, that even if you are a little uncomfortable, you want them to ask you questions or approach you with concerns about any part of their bodies. This can help make children feel more comfortable asking questions or being able to tell us if something is wrong. how to talk about them. We want children to know that their bodies are wonderful. They should be proud of all that their bodies can do. All of their parts have a function and a proper name. Certainly, some parts are more private than others. We don t cover our noses or our elbows in public in our culture. However, we do cover the genitals and generally do not talk about these parts with other people outside of our family (except for a doctor or nurse). Lynn Leight is a Registered Nurse and writes about children s health topics. She is the author of Raising Sexually Healthy Children. 3

4 PARENTS MATTER [Yikes!] A teachable moment is when parents or caregivers have an opportunity to make a connection with a child. It is not scripted or planned. Here are some typical situations that often make parents nervous, but can be wonderful opportunities to instill knowledge, values, and connection. Masturbation Most boys and girls, when they are infants, learn that touching, rubbing, or playing with their genitals is a way to give themselves pleasure. It is not linked to sex. It simply feels good to them. This self-pleasuring is called masturbation. Although it is often a difficult subject for many people, masturbation is normal among people of all ages, all cultures, and both sexes. It s also normal not to masturbate. Overreacting can make children feel guilty or ashamed about something that is both harmless and pleasurable. Parents can help a child understand the difference between public and private behavior. I know that touching your penis (or clitoris) feels good, you could say, but that s a private thing that you should do in a private place, like your bedroom or the bathroom. Nudity When it comes to naked bodies within the family, there are no rights and wrongs. There are families who feel comfortable being naked in front of each other and families who prefer privacy. The best guideline is whatever feels comfortable to you and the rest of your family. Remember, many children reach an age when they become more modest. Respect their privacy, and respect their wishes if they do not want to be exposed to others nudity. Dirty Words Many children go through a stage when dirty words are fun to use. Usually, a child s level of interest in these words is directly related to how much importance is placed on them. You need not condone this language, but harsh punishment may give these words even more importance. Calmly explain that these words bother some people, and that there are better words to express thoughts and feelings. Teach your child an acceptable alternative. A parent may use this as a teachable moment to talk about what the word means. Playing Doctor At approximately age four, most children play sex games with each other. If you discover your children doing this, try not to panic. They are expressing normal curiosity about sex differences and body functions. However, if you want to interrupt their playing, you should still be supportive of their curiosity. Try to turn the incident into a teachable moment: I see you re curious about each other s bodies. Let s put our clothes back on and we ll talk about what you want to know. There are times when intervention is wise: if children are sticking things into each other s bodies or otherwise risking injury; if one child is dominating another; or, if one of the children seems to be always preoccupied with sex. Also, sex play is abnormal when it involves older children with much younger children. 4

5 TALKING TIPS relax Curiosity is a natural thing for children. Asking questions is how kids learn about themselves and the world around them. Children s questions are based on their age level. Unless children have been taught What if I say the wrong thing? to be ashamed or secret about sexuality they will ask questions at any time or place. Young children will often ask personal or private questions at the worst possible time like in the checkout line of the grocery store or in a crowded bus or elevator. What should parents do when this happens? First, take a deep breath and relax. Sometimes adults forget to take off their adult glasses when observing children s behavior. Parents may jump to conclusions thinking that the child knows too much or has been exposed to sexual activity that is inappropriate. For example, when a child is showing off underwear, quietly remind them that we keep our underwear and private parts covered in public. Two four-year-olds who are playing doctor are not thinking about sex in an adult sense. They may just be curious about what bodies look like and how they work. Remind children that it s okay to be curious about bodies and reinforce what parts of bodies are private. Make sure they know that What if I don t know the answer? they should not insert anything into their body openings. Offer to answer questions or read books together. If adults react harshly to the situation by saying, Don t do that! it may send a message of shame and secrecy that we do not intend to convey. Shame around sexuality can lead to less communication as children grow into teens. When your child asks a question that takes your breath away (and they will), stop for a moment and catch your breath. Say, That s a good question. Then ask your child questions to help you understand what they are asking like, What do you think? or Where did you hear that? You may find that the answer needs less detail than you feared. Helpful Hints Answer questions truthfully, but simply. It s okay to be embarrassed or not know What is my child really asking? How much information is enough? How much is too much? exactly how to answer. Just start simply and do your best. You ll know from their response if you need to say more or need to clarify what you said. Stay relaxed and light. Remember that they are simply looking for information to explain their world. Use proper names for body parts. Keep in mind that you cannot hurt a child with too much information. If information is over a child s head, they will ignore it or file it away for later use and ask you more questions when they are ready. Check to see if your child has understood what you ve said and offer more information if needed. Always tell children how glad you are that they asked you questions and how much you love them. 5

6 O PINIONS VALUES & BELIEFS Gender Roles & Stereotypes Sugar and spice and everything nice, that s what little girls are made of Snips and snails and puppy-dog tails, that s what little boys are made of What s the first question asked when a new baby arrives? Almost always people want to know, Is it a boy or a girl? The answer to this question affects how everyone that child comes in contact with reacts to them and interacts with them. For example, baby girls tend to be cuddled and spoken to softly while baby boys are more apt to be bounced on a knee or tossed up in the air. Clothes are often chosen based on gender with girls dressed in softer pinks and pastels while boys get bold, primary colors like blue. The toys babies are given and encouraged to use are often stereotypically masculine or feminine. Trucks and tools have been assigned to boys while dolls or kitchen items are seen as girl toys. When a child reacts to pain or disappointment with tears, adults are more likely to distract males and tell them not to cry or to be a big boy. Girls in the same situation are more likely to be picked up and consoled. Parents are the primary role models for children. If we want to pass on messages of equality and respect, we must act accordingly. Children learn more by what they see than by what we say. So, who does the laundry? Makes dinner? Mows the lawn? Makes important decisions? Soothes an upset child or takes care of someone who is sick? Who can cry? Who repairs things? Make sure that both boys and girls are complimented on their accomplishments, attitudes and abilities. When we comment only on how girls look and on what boys can do, we play into the gender role stereotypes. Stereotypes limit everyone from being all that they can be. All children deserve to have positive feelings about themselves and live in a world full of unlimited possibilities regardless of gender. Wider roles make kids more whole As babies turn into toddlers, they become very interested in what it means to be a girl or a boy and watch their role models for clues on how they should behave. We need to think about what messages we want our children to receive. Boys and girls can be anything they want to be. It s okay for boys to cry. Girls are strong and capable. Boys can be nurturing and gentle. Sometimes girls get angry. Everyone should help out around the house with chores. The world is full of possibilities for girls and boys, men and women. 6

7 KEEPING KIDS vaccine SAFE Is there a to prevent sex abuse? While parents cannot always prevent sexual abuse from happening to their child, they can empower them with the tools they need to help protect themselves. Parents can also create an environment where children feel comfortable telling or asking anything. Confident Kids 1. Teach children the proper names for body parts, including the genitals, so he or she has the words to explain what has happened to them in case they are ever uncomfortable or abused. 2. Teach children secret touches are never okay. Explain that, a secret touch is when an older person touches your private parts or tries to get you to touch theirs and tells you not to tell anyone. Tell your child to tell you right away if this happens. If you are not nearby (if they are at daycare or a friend s house, for example), teach your child to tell another adult right away, and to tell you as soon as they see you. 3. Raise children who are comfortable with their bodies. Let them know they are in control of their body and who touches it. This includes the child being able to say no to giving Grandma a hug or kiss when she comes to visit. You want your child to know that adults should always respect their decision not to be touched. 4. Give children choices everyday. Children who are given choices learn to express their needs and are less likely to be taken advantage of. Start with options like, Would you like to wear your green or blue outfit today? or What vegetable would you like for supper tonight broccoli or carrots? Children should not be making adult decisions or determining the schedule for the day, but they should feel like they have control over some part of their world. 5. Teach children the words to say if someone tries to touch their private parts or asks them to touch theirs. Practice with them the words they can use. Don t touch my vulva, I don t like it. I will tell if you touch my penis. My Mom said I am not allowed to touch anyone else s private parts. Even with all of these tools and practice, children may have trouble saying no to an adult they love or someone who intimidates them. Their best protection against abuse is you; your constant, careful attention to them and the people who care for them. Trustworthy Day Care Be selective about who is taking care of your children. Before deciding on a day care facility or childcare provider: 1. Interview several providers. Make sure they are licensed or registered with the state if possible. 2. Know the training and credentials of all staff that work at the site. Generally, the more staff, the better. 3. Call the Child and Family Service Line to ask if there have been any prior allegations of abuse. 4. Check references and talk to past and present clients. 5. Make sure the provider has an open door policy for unscheduled parental visits. Visit often. 6. Talk with your child every day about what his or her day was like and be alert to changes in behavior i Want more info? Visit or call their 24 hour hotline AChild [ ] 7

8 esources for Schools & Communities Preventing Teen Pregnancy HIV + sexually transmitted infections The Family Planning Association of Maine delivers customized programs to prevent teen pregnancy, HIV and sexually transmitted infections. Using strictly evidence-based approaches, our Prevention Coordinators provide training, technical assistance and resources to staff and educators in Maine schools and youthserving organizations. Prevention Coordinators can help to: Review your existing program or curriculum, and assess the needs of the youth you serve Select an evidence-based program that fits the needs of your school and community, and obtain the necessary materials and supplies Ensure that the curriculum is carried out successfully and achieves results Provide training and ongoing technical assistance (covering substitute pay and travel expenses where appropriate) Increase community support by developing a planned response to resistance or controversy Link you to other resources in your community to address teen pregnancy, HIV and STI prevention What about Learning Results? Get technical assistance to meet Maine s educational standards and learning results for comprehensive health education Obtain support in identifying key concepts, scope and sequence, and developmentally appropriate topics and approaches within a comprehensive sexuality education curriculum Available now at our website webinars, trainings & e-newsletters! For More Information: info@mainefamilyplanning.org or visit our web site: Family Planning Association of Maine FACTS is a publication of the Family Planning Association of Maine s Family Life Education Services and is made possible in part by grants from Maine Department of Health and Human Services/Maine Center for Disease Control and Prevention, and from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services/ Public Health Services. Your financial support is critical. Without it, we can t do our jobs advocating for the reproductive health programs and services you care about. As a supporter, you will receive our legislative newsletter, special policy and program updates, and alerts on action happening in Augusta and Washington D.C. Most importantly, your contribution directly helps meet the needs of low-income women, men and teens, including the following: Family planning services Comprehensive family life & sexuality education Outreach education services Legislative advocacy defending the reproductive health care rights that Maine women, men, and teens now have, and advancing access to the full range of reproductive health care services.