Tips About Dating, Sex, and Romance at Work

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1 Tips About Dating, Sex, and Romance at Work Part 2: What's an HR Professional to DO? Susan M. Heathfield Three Recommendations for Every Workplace Organizations walk a fine line between ensuring people productivity and interfering in the private affairs of their employees. Powell, in the above study, states, that policy makers in most organizations believe that workplace romances cannot be legislated away and should be ignored unless they present a threat to individual, group, or organizational effectiveness. Decision makers in most organizations recognize that some form of managerial intervention is required when a workplace romance presents a serious threat to the conduct of work or group morale. As an HR professional, you also want employees to perceive your staff members as advocates for their well-being and high morale, not as the rule-making, interfering, systematizing arms of management. With both of these concerns in mind, I suggest you take the following actions. Provide Training Provide training to supervisors and managers about how to discreetly address overt sexual behavior in the workplace. You will also want the supervisors comfortable coaching the dating couple if the relationship results in lowered morale and productivity for themselves or co-workers. Additionally, Powell s study of the literature found that workplace romances are particularly hazardous for gay and lesbian employees due to negative reactions to homosexual relationships in general. Supervisors will need to know how to address these issues should they arise. Office relationships are often the focus of intense gossip, so supervisors need to know how to keep their ears open for work and career damaging behaviors. Supervisors need to know the appropriate disciplinary actions to take if the romance derails and resultant employee behavior disrupts the workplace. If romance becomes sexual harassment, supervisors need to know, working in concert with HR, what to do to take immediate action. The SHRM study found that only 12 percent of the surveyed organizations provided training to managers and supervisors about how to manage a workplace romance. I think this is a mistake; take the time to make supervisory staff as comfortable as possible before the predictable romance crops up. Broadcast Your Sexual Harassment Policy Have a formal, written sexual harassment policy that is posted, appears in the employee handbook, and is listed on all company policy documents. Train all employees that the company has a zero tolerance policy for sexual harassment. Provide information about the consequences of such behavior on their continued employment. At the same time, employees need to understand that it is okay to ask a coworker out on a date. Harassment occurs when the employee indicates no

2 interest and the unwanted attention continues. All employees need to understand where the line occurs. Most organizations ask employees to sign a document indicating they understand and will abide by the policy. Develop an Appropriate Relationship Policy You may want to think about your organization culture and the work environment you want to provide for employees. Are there certain romantic situations you want to prohibit or, at least, have a policy in place for addressing? I would never recommend a policy that prohibits dating, sex, and romance entirely. You give people something to push against and guarantee that all relationships will be covert. Given the literature about studies that have been done in workplaces, I recommend that you institute a policy that prohibits a supervisor from dating any employee who reports directly to him or her. The policy may also state that you expect staff members to behave in a professional manner. You expect that office romances, relationships, or affairs will be kept separate from the work environment. The organization will not tolerate sexual liaisons and sexual behavior at work. Spell out the consequences if the romance is negatively impacting the workplace. Tips About Dating, Sex, and Romance at Work Part 3: Advice for the Romancing Duo Susan M. Heathfield Important Advice for People Involved If Cupid has struck and you find yourself attracted to a co-worker, these actions will minimize any possible damage to your career. Know your organization s written and unwritten policies about romantic, sexual, extramarital, or dating relationships. Keep the relationship private and discreet until you are ready to publicly announce that you are a couple. Behave discreetly in the workplace. Keep public displays of affection off limits at work. Limit the number of people at work with whom you share this confidential information. If your position and responsibilities require you to work together, attend the same meetings, and so on, behave professionally at all times. You are encouraged to be yourself, maintain and speak your continuing opinions, exhibit the same skills, and conduct yourself in the same manner as you did prior to the relationship. Discuss, as a couple, the potential impact of your relationship on your work. (Will one employee have to leave a department or the company? Will your organization respond favorably to your relationship?) Know your company, and make a plan before the

3 organization requests one. Be happy and build a successful relationship that adds value to the world; produces welladjusted children, should you choose to have them; and adds great value and happiness to your life on Valentine's Day and all through the years. Love, sex, and romance in the workplace will likely increase as time goes by. Expect them; be prepared in advance. And, if the SHRM study participants provide figures that are typical of HR offices worldwide, get ready to attend a whole lot of weddings! (Which reminds me what s your policy on people soliciting money for group gifts?) Comments Welcome What do you think? I d really like to hear what you think about workplace sex, romance, dating, affairs of the heart, and other relationship issues. Are you doing any of these recommendations in your organization? How much of a problem are you experiencing in your workplace? Talk back in the HR Community Connection Forum. Your feedback keeps me on track and serving the needs of the HR community. Dating in the Workplace Dating in the workplace is not always a great idea, especially from a business standpoint, as it can often lead to loss work hours, or acrimonious break ups that lead to workplace disasters. An employer can actually prohibit dating in the workplace, so long as the employer enforces the guidelines consistently. Whether dating is allowed depends largely on the workplace policies, and is not governed by federal or state law. However, if there is a policy against dating in the workplace, it is a legal cause for termination. For Employer & Employee: Sex Without Sexual Harassment by Gary Vikesland, MA LP LMFT CEAP Are you worried about being accused of sexually harassing a co-worker if you ask him or her out for a date? Believe it or not, you do not have to worry. It is still legal to ask out a co-worker on a date and start a romantic relationship. With all the recent news about sexual harassment lawsuits, many employees and employers appear to have forgotten this simple fact, and have become very uncomfortable with the idea of employees forming romantic relationships. Some employers have become so paranoid about potential sexual harassment lawsuits that they have tried to interfere in the personal lives of dating employees. And some employees have become so paranoid about being accused of sexual harassment that they have avoided asking a co-worker out on a date, or left their jobs prior to starting a romantic relationship with a coworker. Recent court rulings regarding sexual harassment has left most employers and employees feeling confused about what is and what is not sexual harassment between co-workers. The result of this confusion has left employers frowning on the idea of employee dating, and employees left feeling scared that a coworker dating relationship will put them in the middle of a sexual harassment investigation. In order to help reduce the current state of paranoia surrounding employee dating, I have developed a few dating guidelines for employees to follow before and during their dating relationship. Employers will also benefit from the guidelines because they will help them guide and coach dating employees, rather than attempting to stop or discourage employee dating.

4 Overall, it is a good idea for employers to develop an "employee dating plan" to guide them in how to deal with employee dating because employee dating will likely become even more prevalent in the future. In just about every organization employees are forming and ending relationships: co-workers dating co-workers, managers dating employees, and CEO`s dating secretaries. In general, employers should not develop strict "no dating" policies. Remember that without the opportunity for employees to develop office romances, Bill Gates would still be a lonely bachelor. Mr. Gates met his future wife Melinda French when she was a Microsoft employee. Employee Dating Guidelines Before you ask the co-worker in the next cubicle out for a date, first check to see if your company has an employee dating policy. While there are no federal or state laws that prohibit employee dating, there are no laws preventing employers from forbidding employee dating; especially between managers and their direct reports. Employee dating is more detrimental in certain occupations than others, so check to see if any company policies exist prior to asking your fellow co-worker out to the movies. "No means no!" One more time: "no" means "no!" Do not repeatedly ask the same co-worker out for a date. If the co-worker you are interested in tells you that he/she is not interested in going out with you, do not continue to ask him/her out on a date. Develop an office relationship before you develop a romantic relationship. Take the time to learn as much as you can about the co-worker whom you are planning to date. Is he or she related to the boss? Is he or she already in a relationship? Is the co-worker prone to gossip and tells his/her personal life to anyone who will listen? After you develop an office relationship; ask him/her out for a business lunch date prior to a real date. A business lunch will help you judge if asking the coworker out for a romantic date is a good idea. Realize that in reality relationships do not work out like they do on TV. If your dating relationship ends on a sour note, you will still have to work with the co-worker. For this reason, it is important to start any relationship out as slow as possible. A world-wind relationship is only likely to have devastating ramifications for your career. Agree not to flirt at work. After you and your co-worker are dating, agree to set up relationship rules for the workplace. Nothing makes co-workers feel more jealous or insecure than to know that two employees have the "hots" for each other. So agree not to flirt at work, not to send love notes, and not to inform your co-workers or management until you both agree that it is the proper time. Develop open communication. When you are dating a coworker you have what is called a "dual relationship." A dual relationship means that you have two different types of relationships (business and romantic) with the same person. It is this dual relationship quality that can make employee dating potentially conflictual and sometimes downright explosive! So, it is important that you talk and listen to each other`s feelings about your new dual relationship. Even if you do not plan on seeing each other after the first date, still talk with each other about any possible workplace entanglements that could potentially cause conflict. Do not be afraid to talk about the topic of sexual harassment. Agree ahead of time that if either party starts to feel harassed that it will be openly discussed, and that either party is free to terminate the relationship if any type of harassment develops. Sexual harassment occurs when an individual is discriminated against because he/she will not comply with unwanted sexual requests, must endure a hostile work environment, or is discriminated against because of special

5 treatment given to a co-worker who complies with sexual requests. If you are a manager or have a high-ranking position within the company, you will need to inform your employer that you are dating a fellow co-worker, but first read and familiarize yourself with your company`s policies on employee dating. If the employee you are dating is your direct report or you are responsible for his/her performance reviews, promotions, work assignments, or pay raises; you will need to transfer those responsibilities to a different party. If you are a co-worker dating another co-worker, there is no reason for you to inform your employer in most occupations and circumstances. However, there may be exceptions in certain occupations to inform your employer, so make sure you check your company employee dating policies. Once the dating secret is out, which usually occurs faster then you want, be prepared to confirm the rumor with your employer. Tell your employer that you plan to keep your relationship professional at work, will not participate in tasks where a conflict of interest may develop, and will inform your employer if either dating party starts to feel that he or she is being sexually harassed. These guidelines should help keep you from being accused of sexual harassment and make your employer feel more comfortable about employee dating.