Overcoming Ambivalence and Saying Yes to Recovery

Transcription

1 Patrick Meninga Why People Don t Seek Help for Addiction Recovery: Overcoming Ambivalence and Saying Yes to Recovery 1

2 Contents The Top 10 Excuses That Addicts and Alcoholics Use to Justify Their Addiction and Why it is All BS... 1 Excuse #1: I have to drink/use drugs in order to work or continue to be successful Excuse #2: I need to drink/use drugs in order to be social Excuse #3: I m not hurting anyone else Excuse #4: Everybody else drinks/uses drugs, so why shouldn t I?... 3 Excuse #5: If you had my problems then you would drink or use drugs too Excuse #6: I m not really addicted, and can stop any time I want Excuse #7: I work hard and I deserve to indulge in this Excuse #8: I suffer from XYZ and need this to help medicate me Excuse #9: I need to drink/use drugs in order to be creative Excuse #10: I don t drink/use as much as THAT guy. Now he has a problem I Am Quitting Drugs and Alcohol For Good This Time-10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap... 9 They back out of commitments to get help as soon as they start to feel better physically They are still drunk or high on drugs when they tell you they are stopping for good They say they are done for good, but they are not willing to follow any of your suggestions in regards to getting some help for their problem They tell you they are done drinking and using drugs forever but they are not willing to let go of toxic relationships that are no good for them They say they are quitting drugs and alcohol forever but they say they cannot give up their questionable job or career that puts them at high risk for relapse They say they want to stop using but they continue to struggle for control in every situation, rather than letting go and surrendering They say that they know they need to stop drinking or using drugs, but deep down they know that they don t want to They say that they will quit for good if and when X happens They say that they are going to stop using X but continue to use Y They continue to argue that getting real help (such as drug rehab, counseling, AA meetings, etc.) actually makes them want to drink more So what can you do if they are not ready to stop using or drinking? Finding the Motivation to Get Clean and Sober Positive inspiration for change Digging into the past Surrender: the gift of desperation

3 Convincing Yourself to Go to Rehab-Overcoming 12 Common Excuses for Not Seeking Addiction Help Excuse #1: People need me in the outside world. If I go to rehab I will be missed Excuse #2: I have anxiety and cannot deal with groups. They will force me to speak in front of groups Excuse #3: I have been to treatment before. It does not work for me Excuse #4: I am different from other addicts. I truly love drugs Excuse #5: I use drugs to expand my consciousness. They enhance me spiritually Excuse #6: I am happier when I am using drugs Excuse #7: I am more creative when I use drugs. Without them, I am uninspired Excuse #8: I won t have any friends if I get clean and sober Excuse #9: I won t be able to work if I quit drugs Excuse #10: I deserve to use drugs. That is how I reward myself. I work hard and deserve it Excuse #11: I depend on drugs for a medical condition. It is a medical necessity for me Excuse #12: I don t need rehab, because I could actually stop if I really wanted to. I just don t want to About the Author Get Help for Addiction Now

4 The Top 10 Excuses That Addicts and Alcoholics Use to Justify Their Addiction and Why it is All BS 1 Excuse #1: I have to drink/use drugs in order to work or continue to be successful. Perhaps the real truth of the matter is. your career actually suffers due to your addiction, rather than being empowered by your drinking or drug use. When I was still using drugs and alcohol, I tried to rationalize that drinking and drugging was beneficial to my work in different ways. After getting clean and sober, I have made huge leaps in my career and what I do for meaningful work in my life. The truth is that my drinking was severely limiting me, not empowering me. Excuse #2: I need to drink/use drugs in order to be social. Perhaps the real truth of the matter is. 1

5 your drinking and drug use may have resulted in some occasional fun times in social environments, but over the long term it only serves to isolate you further. Not only that, but the true addict or alcoholic will eventually go overboard, use more than they planned on, and end up in embarrassing situations that they would have otherwise liked to avoid. The truth is that we see ourselves as being tragically hip and fatally cool when we are intoxicated or high, but everyone else just thinks we are lame, or boring. Get over yourself. Excuse #3: I m not hurting anyone else. Perhaps the real truth of the matter is. you damage everyone around you when you continue to slowly self destruct, and deep down you realize that this is a negative path you are on. Intuitively you know that the right path is to get clean and sober and embrace the better version of yourself that you know you should be. You also realize, deep down, that NOT rising to this challenge is a selfish and even cowardly act, though you may still struggle to summon the courage to do anything about it. 2

6 Excuse #4: Everybody else drinks/uses drugs, so why shouldn t I? Perhaps the real truth of the matter is. you are clearly not like everybody else when it comes to using drugs and alcohol, and everybody else does not seem to experience the same consequences and problems that you do. You compare to others while you observe them drinking socially and reasonably, but then you want to indulge and get completely wasted until you are out of control. If you really want to drink like everybody else, then you would stop after having one drink, just like many of them do. But of course you cannot do that, and would never really want to anyway. Excuse #5: If you had my problems then you would drink or use drugs too. Perhaps the real truth of the matter is. that everyone has problems, not just you. But some people are able to handle their problems without resorting to self-medicating with drugs or alcohol all the time. The truth is that your problems are greatly complicated by your addiction, because you sabotage your own life and 3

7 your own efforts at making any kind of real growth with yourself. The truth is that if you got clean and sober for a year or even a few months, then your problems would be completely eradicated due to positive growth that you could be making every single day, rather than dragging yourself further and further into a negative lifestyle. The truth is that you play the victim, because it is a convenient excuse to self medicate. Get over it already. Excuse #6: I m not really addicted, and can stop any time I want. Perhaps the real truth of the matter is. you are hopelessly stuck in denial, without a shred of reasonable logic left to defend yourself with. Anyone who claims that they want to keep drinking or using drugs, in the face of heavy life consequences, is in serious denial. These are the people who are facing legal problems due to their addiction, or maybe they lost their job, or their spouse, or whatever.and yet they continue to claim that they could stop if only they wanted to.they just don t want to! 4

8 This screams of denial. Alcoholics and addicts are those who continue to use, even when they have clearly suffered a loss due to their addiction. Excuse #7: I work hard and I deserve to indulge in this. Perhaps the real truth of the matter is. your addiction is now fueled more by pain and misery than it is by the seeking of new pleasure. Getting high or drunk has become your new baseline for existence, the only way you can even think about enjoying yourself, because without it..you are miserable. You say you reward yourself with drugs or alcohol, but you remain miserable about 98 percent of the time. How is that a joyful reward? Excuse #8: I suffer from XYZ and need this to help medicate me. Perhaps the real truth of the matter is. you are medicating your mood, your emotions, and your boredom.not your physical health condition. Even if your addiction started with a legitimate prescription, once it morphs into a true drug addiction, the idea that you are medicating your pain sort of goes out the 5

9 window. If your prescriptions run out early or you take so much that you can no longer feel any pain, then that clearly puts you into the abuse category. Generally speaking, properly medicating pain does not produce negative consequences! Abusing medication, however, does. So, consider your consequences. Excuse #9: I need to drink/use drugs in order to be creative. Perhaps the real truth of the matter is. you only perceive greater creativity when you are drunk or high. The real truth is that every artist or performer will naturally experience this. We think we are brilliant when we figure out the least little thing while we are intoxicated.but then when we sober up and objectively measure the results, we see that we actually perform our best work when we are sober. This is something many creative types have struggled with and learned about. They thought that they could not create without their drug, but they learned otherwise. Stephen King is a great example. 6

10 Excuse #10: I don t drink/use as much as THAT guy. Now he has a problem. Perhaps the real truth of the matter is. comparing yourself to others who are further down the dead end road of addiction is a pitiful way to justify your continued self destruction. Just because others are waiting in line to jump off the cliff of despair does not mean that you should be rushing to beat them to it. The fact is that every alcoholic and addict will at some point experience the yets : * I have never wrecked a car from drunk driving (yet) * I have never been divorced due to my drug use (yet) * I have never lost a job because of my addiction (yet) * I have never missed a little league ball game due to my drinking (yet) And so on. All of these yets will eventually come true for the addict or alcoholic, if they continue to use and not get any help for their addiction. 7

11 Maybe you have already experienced a few yets in your life? Things that you said would never happen, but they did..and you kept on drinking or drugging anyway? Or maybe you have justified your behavior, because you may not be hooked on drugs or alcohol, but instead of some sort of unusual addiction that manifests itself in other ways. Either way, you may be lying to yourself with these excuses. Maybe it is time to finally do something about your problem. Maybe all of these excuses really are BS. Maybe you can ask for help. Get your life back. Time to get over yourself and get straight for once (even though you know you are scared to do it). 8

12 2 I Am Quitting Drugs and Alcohol For Good This Time-10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap The alcoholic swears they are done drinking for good this time. Maybe they are for real. And maybe they are full of crap. How can you tell? It is important to gauge how ready the alcoholic or addict in your life is when it comes to getting them some help and turning their life around. Why? Because it is a huge emotional drain on you to constantly hope for their big turnaround. Most friends and loved ones of addicts and alcoholics spend a lot of time and a lot of energy wishing that things were different, and in some cases, trying to persuade the addict to take action. All of your emotional energy might be for nothing, depending on the addict s state of denial. They might be nowhere near quitting. 9

13 And it is easy to get wrapped up in false hope, because the typical addict or alcoholic will say that they are going to change for real this time, only to let you down, over and over again. Part of dealing effectively with their addiction is in recognizing when they are serious about wanting to change, and when they are still stuck in denial. In many cases they actually believe their own lies, and thus have no real power to predict when they are actually going to sober up for good. This is the trap of addiction. So what can you do? Learn to recognize their BS. Learn to recognize when they are still trapped in denial, and when they are not likely to succeed in their so called attempt to quit drinking and drugging forever. What good does this do, you ask? It allows you to conserve your emotional energy. It teaches you how to detach, and where to draw your boundaries, to keep yourself from getting hurt. I realize that their addiction is going to hurt you, regardless. But you can still draw a line in the sand and firmly stake your sanity on one side of it, and their addiction on the other. You can be strong and shield yourself from some of the emotional wreckage. And while you do this, you can help to push them closer to a 10

14 moment of surrender, because you will no longer be enabling them. This starts when you form an awareness. You form this awareness by recognizing the games that they play. These are the games. They are red flags to show you when the addict is full of BS, and is not ready to stop drinking or using drugs yet. They back out of commitments to get help as soon as they start to feel better physically I see this one happen all the time, because I work in a drug rehab. People get in to the program and go through detox, and they start to feel good again. They have been abusing their body with drugs and chemicals for so long that they had forgotten what it felt like to just be normal and healthy. So when they first experience this after detoxing, they get overconfident and feel like they can conquer the world. They get to feeling good physically and they think to themselves: Why would I want to screw this up? I feel great! I m not going to relapse. And so they go on to rationalize: Why do I need to go through more treatment or counseling? I feel good again, 11

15 and I have no urge to screw this up by using drugs or alcohol. So essentially what they have done is that they have talked themselves into believing that they are cured. There is another version of this that they refer to as the pink cloud. The idea is the same, the person is feeling good again now that they are clean and sober and they may become overconfident as a result. Eventually, reality always balances things out, and that is when things can get tricky if they are still being overconfident about their recovery. So for anyone who first commits to get professional help, then says that they do not need it watch out. They are most likely headed for relapse. They are still drunk or high on drugs when they tell you they are stopping for good. This is another one that should be obvious in most cases. Anyone who is claiming that they are going to sober up for good this time while they are still drinking is not to be believed. Of course the problem is that when the family has a big flare up over the addiction, the person is generally going to be under the influence at the time. When this happens, 12

16 there is no real way to have a productive argument, because you are not really arguing with the person, you are arguing with their addiction. The alcoholic or addict will probably say pretty much anything or engage in whatever manipulation they can in order to try to keep the peace and keep their addiction going. The may agree to things that they never intend to follow through with, simply to get out of an argument. This is one reason why interventions are always set up to catch the person when they are pretty much sober. You cannot count on anything that the person commits to while they are drunk or high. They say they are done for good, but they are not willing to follow any of your suggestions in regards to getting some help for their problem. The addict or alcoholic who has truly surrendered to their addiction is likely to have their head hanging down low and will be willing to do what you tell them to do. So if you tell them I called a local treatment center and set you up for admission there and we are going in tomorrow they would simply say Fine. I ll go. Now if the addict immediately raises their eyebrow and gets all bent out of shape and says What treatment center? Which one are you talking about? I m not just 13

17 going to go anywhere! and so on, then that is a major red flag right there. If you are trying to get them professional help, and they are struggling against it, then they are probably not done using drugs and alcohol. You see, the state of surrender that is necessary for a person to get clean and sober is actually pretty extreme. It is quite a deep state of surrender. In other words, the person who is at this point of total surrender is not going to be fighting with you, trying to control things, or being argumentative. They will be open to whatever you suggest in most cases. This is the point where they are actually ready to change their life. So if they are not compliant with suggestions for professional help, you know that they probably not ready to stop. This is a very strong indicator. They tell you they are done drinking and using drugs forever but they are not willing to let go of toxic relationships that are no good for them. I see this one a lot as well. Typically, addicts and alcoholics (especially younger ones) have friends or peers who they use drugs or drink with. This creates a huge problem when they finally get clean and sober. 14

18 Many times, a young person who is stuck in addiction will have an entire network of friends who also get high. If they are not willing to move on and find a new set of friends, then they have no real chance at staying clean and sober. Likewise, sometimes an addict or alcohol will have one single friend who they are very close with and they refuse to give up. If this person is a strong influence on them in terms of drug and alcohol use, then they are doomed to stay stuck in addiction until they can see that this friend is no good for them. They have a saying in recovery: You have to change people, places, and things. Meaning, you cannot keep going around the same old crowd that you used to get drunk or high with. It just doesn t work. So if someone says they are going to overcome their addiction, but they are unwilling to part with those bad influences, then you know that it is not quite time for them to get clean yet. 15

19 They say they are quitting drugs and alcohol forever but they say they cannot give up their questionable job or career that puts them at high risk for relapse. When I was stuck in my active addiction and still drinking and drugging every day, I had a job where everybody pretty much used drugs as well. I don t think this was a mistake. I had gravitated towards such a job because at the time it fit my lifestyle. When friends and family were trying to convince me to quit using drugs, I was not willing to give up this job. This was a sure sign that I was not really ready to stop using. Why? Because there was no way I could be clean and continue to work there. This same idea plays out over and over again for people who sell drugs. They think they can get clean and continue to sell drugs and make good money at it. Of course this never works out in the end because they are too close to the addiction, to the lifestyle, and to the people who have influence on them. If you know that their job is no good for them, and they refuse to give that job up, then you know they are not quite ready for recovery. When they have fully 16

20 surrendered to their addiction, they will no longer care about their job. They say they want to stop using but they continue to struggle for control in every situation, rather than letting go and surrendering. Working in a drug rehab center gives you a lot of insight over the years. Because so many people who relapse eventually come back for more treatment, you get a clear idea of what attitudes and mindsets actually work, and which ones do not. I can tell you based on experience an observation that the ones who are control freaks do not seem to fare so well in recovery. What has to happen is that the person needs to let go of their need to control everything. They need to stop fighting to dominate every situation and just go along for the ride for a while and see what happens. Sometimes you see a person in early recovery and they are just saying all the right things. They have all of their ducks in a row and they have their meetings lined up and they know where they are going for aftercare and so on. And their attitude is not necessarily cocky, but it is still not quite the right mindset that is needed. They lack humility. They are saying the right things instead of saying I don t know. 17

21 And ultimately, we all know that everything does not always go our way. We don t always get to be in the driver s seat, 100 percent of the time. To succeed in early recovery, you really have to let go of this constant need for control and just let things unfold around you. It is not enough to just quit the drugs and the alcohol you actually have to become open to learning a new way to live. If the addict has not hit bottom yet, then they will not be able to relinquish this need for control, and thus will not be able to stay clean. They say that they know they need to stop drinking or using drugs, but deep down they know that they don t want to. I know I need to stop drinking. I know it is killing me. And yet, they continue to drink. Why is that? The reason is because we do not do what we need to do, we do what we want to do. Our wants dictate our actions, not our needs. This is how we are wired. We do not respond to our needs, unless they also match up well with what we want. A big part of denial has to do with this separation. An addict can admit that they are on a destructive path, yet they do not want to change. This is very typical. Every addict encounters this at some point in their journey. The 18

22 consequences continue to mount up in their life and become too big to ignore. They can no longer deny that drugs or alcohol are a part of their problem. However, they might still be stuck in denial. Why? Because they do not want to stop. Therefore, they will rearrange things in their mind to justify their continued using. I know I need to stop, but. That is the basic structure of their denial. Some people have multiple problems, and they can shift the blame away from their drug or alcohol use. They might realize that drug use is part of their problem, but until they grasp that it is their biggest problem, they are unlikely to take action to change it. So watch out for the need/want structure of thinking. If they say they need to quit but they don t want to, then guess what? They won t quit. They say that they will quit for good if and when X happens Setting conditions is a major red flag. When they say they will quit when X happens, be very cautious of this. They are lying to themselves, in most cases. I see this happen over and over again with pregnancy. I will quit drinking for sure once the baby is born. Guess 19

23 what? It doesn t work that way. I see it over and over again at the treatment center. People think that a life-altering circumstance (such as a pregnancy) has the power to change their addiction. They are wrong. Part of this is a trick we play on ourselves about the future. We believe that an event will make it easier to quit in the future. It is an easy trick of the mind, to imagine that things will come easier for us in the future. Of course the future never comes, as it is always right now. And the only time you can decide to quit doing drugs and alcohol is right now. Simply delaying your decision for the future is not making a decision at all. This is classic denial that is easy to get wrapped up in. Just remember this: future circumstances do not make it easier to quit drugs or alcohol. Ever. When we try to argue that it will be easier in the future, we are lying to ourselves. They say that they are going to stop using X but continue to use Y. This is another classic trick that most drug addicts will try to employ at least once in their career of addiction and drug abuse: they will try to switch away from their drug 20

24 of choice and use another different drug in order to maintain themselves. So for example, someone who is addicted to cocaine might decide that they are going to leave the cocaine alone forever and only smoke marijuana. This seems reasonable to them and when they first try the idea it seems to work well for them, so this is once again another form of denial. They are lying to themselves and they actually believe their own lie. Another popular example is when an alcoholic notices that they tend to get into real trouble when they drink hard liquor, but they seem to be able to control the beer a bit better. So they attempt to swear of liquor forever. And again, this works well the first time they try it, and so it seems like a valid solution for them. More denial. They really believe that they will stick to their new beer routine and never again have any problems with alcohol. Switching from one drug to another, or switching from liquor to beer or whatever none of it works. An addict is an addict, and putting any drug into their system is always going to lead them back to their drug of choice eventually. They might fool themselves for a short while, but eventually they will fall back into their old patterns of abuse. The only other option is that they might end up 21

25 becoming addicted to an even worse and more dangerous drug than what they started on. If they are truly an addict or alcoholic then total abstinence from all mood and mind altering chemicals is going to be their only real solution. So when they try to hang on to one drug or one form of their drug (such as beer), then you know they are not anywhere close to total surrender. They continue to argue that getting real help (such as drug rehab, counseling, AA meetings, etc.) actually makes them want to drink more. When I was still drinking and drugging I used to use this lame excuse myself: AA and NA meetings just make me want to get drunk and high even more, I would argue. I hear this one a lot. People in rehab say it when they are looking for an excuse to leave early and go get high. All these groups just remind me of getting high they will say. Arguments like this are really just a problem of attitude. The person has a bad attitude toward treatment. Why does this happen? It happens when the person has not fully surrendered to their disease. They have not fully hit bottom. They are not 22

26 yet desperate for change. They are not desperate to quit using or drinking. If they were desperate to quit drugs and alcohol, then they would not be putting everything in a negative light. Instead, they would be focusing on the positive aspects of treatment. They would focus on the positive aspects of 12 step meetings. But instead, they are looking for an excuse to relapse, so they just sort of dump on everything, and express how it is not working for them, and how it is not helping them. It s not helping because they do not want it to help. Period. Just another indicator that the person is not ready to stop just yet. So what can you do if they are not ready to stop using or drinking? A few key things: Stop wasting energy on it, for one thing. Be aware of these ideas, and don t cling to false hope if they are still in heavy denial. You will know when they are ready to get clean and sober because they will stop fighting everything and they will become humble and 23

27 start taking suggestions. If they are still trying to do things their way then they are not ready to stop. So you can be ready. Go to Al-anon meetings and get a foundation for yourself, to be strong, and not fall into the trap of enabling them. Offer to help them with rehab or professional help, and nothing else. Make certain they understand that you will never help them in any other way. Ever. You will help them to get professional help for their addiction, or nothing. No more manipulation. Not even a chance for it. It s over, at least for you. You will help them get into rehab, or counseling, or therapy, and that is it. Those are the only options. If they need help in any other way, find it somewhere else. You will know when they are ready to change when they say I need help. Tell me what to do. That is a true moment of surrender. Everything else is a form of manipulation or denial. 24

28 3 Finding the Motivation to Get Clean and Sober How can someone find the motivation to get clean and sober? Actually, I m not so sure that it is actually possible for an addict or alcoholic to suddenly make the decision to start creating a more positive life for themselves. Instead, the traditional method of finding recovery is through surrender, which is more an admission of defeat against drugs and alcohol, rather than a positivelyinspired motivational decision. Are all addicts and alcoholic doomed to find recovery only through a hopeless admission of defeat and surrender? Or is it possible to positively inspire a struggling addict or alcoholic to change their life? Let s look a little deeper. Positive inspiration for change At one time during my drinking and drugging career, I attended a treatment center and heard an amazing speaker at an in-house AA meeting. The man was promising us the world if we would only follow this simple program, and he did it with such power and elegance that I was truly moved. I became excited about the possibility of a 25

29 new life in recovery; of living a life without drugs and alcohol. This speaker gave rise to the idea that such a life could actually have meaning for me. Upon leaving this treatment center, I failed to stay sober. I hate to use the cliche, but I simply was not ready to stop using drugs and alcohol. I had not yet surrendered. This means that I was still holding on to control, still fighting to stay in power of my own life and actions, still operating out of raw fear and unwilling to face my life without selfmedicating. My point here is that no amount of positive inspiration or promises of the benefits of recovery could have possibly converted me at that time. The speaker at that meeting did an awesome job and sparked a genuine hope and interest in me, but it was not enough. My selfwill was still too powerful. I insisted on driving the bus, instead of surrendering and learning a new way to live. Digging into the past The question often gets raised in recovery: What did you do for fun before you started using drugs and alcohol? And also: What gave your life meaning before drugs and alcohol took over? The answers to these questions supposedly have the power or potential to snap an addict back to reality and make them realize that chasing drugs and alcohol is meaningless, and that they used to have more worthwhile pursuits that they should return to. The problem is, this doesn t work, nor does it provide any 26

30 level of motivation to the struggling addict or alcoholic. Of course, I can only speak from my own experience, but I can assure you that, in my active addiction, all of the meaningful things in my life slowly faded into the background as my obsession with drugs and alcohol grew, and I could not bring myself to care or get excited or passionate about those pursuits even though I wanted to. I knew that I had once had various interests and hobbies and some terrific friends that didn t use drugs, but I could not bring myself to care about such things. I could not see any way to make that sort of normal life be exciting for me again. I could not see myself facing the world without drugs. Getting high had become my new purpose. This is the trap of addiction the reason why you can t use positive inspiration to motivate an addict. They simply don t care. So what if they used to enjoy various hobbies, meet lots of new people, and have fun volunteering to help some great cause? None of that matters anymore, and the addict or alcoholic can t imagine such a life appealing to them ever again. And so the hopelessness is perpetuated. Is there any way out at all? Surrender: the gift of desperation The call it a gift because it is the defining moment and conceptual shift needed for an addict or alcoholic to start making a real and lasting change in their life. If things are 27

31 going great for a using addict, why would they change? That doesn t make any sense. That is why you hear of people in recovery talk about hitting bottom getting to that lowest point of their life where the only way to go is up. I have heard countless addicts and alcoholics in recovery tell their story, and they all seem to share and relate with the experience of surrender. There is a real sense with each person s story that they were beaten by the drugs and alcohol. Surrender was the catalyst for change, not the lure of a positive new life. They had been defeated, and this allowed them to transform their life. I wish this were different. And perhaps I am wrong here. Maybe you can dangle a carrot in front of a struggling addict and entice them into getting clean with the promise of an exciting new life. But it didn t work for me, and I don t see it working in others around me. Surrender to the disease is the beginning of recovery. You ve got to be broken down until you can be built back up. If you know of a struggling alcoholic or addict, here is what you can do to help them find the gift of desperation. And what about the positive inspiration, you ask? It s still important, and I would maintain that positive action is really what s all about. But it all starts with surrender, 28

32 where the gift of desperation eventually leads to a creative life of recovery. 29

33 4 Convincing Yourself to Go to Rehab- Overcoming 12 Common Excuses for Not Seeking Addiction Help It takes a lot to convince yourself to go to rehab. There are so many good reasons to just stay on your current path and try to hold your life together. So many reasons to not overreact and check into rehab, when all you might need to do is just cool things off for a bit, right? There are so many excuses that addicts and alcoholics commonly use to keep themselves stuck in addiction, instead of asking for help. Let us take a moment and smash the most popular excuses of why people will not go to drug rehab, in spite of their addiction. Note: You might send this on to a struggling addict or alcoholic in your life. Here are the main excuses that addicts use all the time: 30

34 Excuse #1: People need me in the outside world. If I go to rehab I will be missed. Whoa. What makes you think that the weight of the world is resting on your shoulders? You are a functional drug addict at best, right? And at worst, you are dysfunctional enough to be dangerous at times. The world will continue on without you while you are in rehab for a week or two. Maybe you have kids and are freaked out about leaving them behind, or in incompetent hands. One, understand that this is only a short sacrifice until you can get the real YOU back, clean and sober (maybe a good thing for your kids? I dunno ) And two, don t be so high and mighty to judge others incompetent to watch your children. Those who would shoulder the responsibility probably care way more than you think. Excuse #2: I have anxiety and cannot deal with groups. They will force me to speak in front of groups. I suffered from this phobia and anxiety myself when I was considering rehab, and it does not really wash. For the most part, groups in treatment are very small and non threatening. If you feel put on the spot in any given situation, it is easy to deflect attention and say that you just want to listen. 31

35 Seriously, it is that easy. People do it in 12 step meetings, and they do it in groups, and the therapists will all tell you that this is perfectly acceptable. Sometimes we just need to listen, they will say. And so you always have the option of saying you just need to listen right now. I have been in 4 completely different treatment centers, and I have never once felt threatened or like I was put on the spot and embarrassed. This is amazing because I have a serious level of anxiety, one that prevented me from even considering rehab for a very long time. So do not think you can use your social anxiety as an excuse to avoid rehab. The whole thing is set up to be very casual, easy going, and non threatening. Even for a very anxious person, it is surprisingly easy to be in drug rehab. Do not think that it is beyond you. Anxiety is no excuse. Excuse #3: I have been to treatment before. It does not work for me. A common excuse and one that I have used myself. Of course at some point, I went to rehab and it worked, and I have been clean and sober ever since. The difference? It all comes down to willingness. I became open to the idea of a new life for myself. 32

36 The fact is that most people who finally get clean and sober and make it stick for good end up going to rehab a couple of times before they finally get it. So yeah, you went to treatment in the past, and you failed. We get that. But obviously you were stuck in denial and not ready to stop at that point. You were not done trying to have fun with drugs and alcohol. At some point every addict and alcoholic will realize that the fun is over, and has been for a long time. It is then that they are in a position to surrender, to go to rehab and to make some real changes in their lives. Saying that rehab does not work for you is like saying that taking slow deep breaths will not help you to calm down as you stammer in a frustrated rage. It doesn t work because you don t want it to work. Given enough pain in your life, at some point, treatment will become a real solution for you. Rejecting rehab or professional treatment as a solution to your drug or alcohol problem actually stems from a lack of maturity. It is a child-like reaction to fear. We are afraid to get clean and sober so we grab at any excuse that will seem to fit for us. 33

37 Excuse #4: I am different from other addicts. I truly love drugs. Don t be so short-sighted! Look at other addicts and alcoholics, do you not believe that these people love to get high like you do? Of course they do! Sometimes we think that we are unique, and that we are the only ones who have really discovered the joy of getting drunk or high. But this simply is not true. Millions have come before us and fell in love with the buzz, and millions will come after us. We are not so unique. And as addicts, we also believe that, since others have overcome their addiction, they must not have truly loved the high as much as we do. Because we love the buzz so much that we cannot ever stop using our drug of choice, or so we reason. Of course this sort of thinking is all a bunch of crap! We are not unique. Others have been just as hooked on drugs and alcohol as we are, and they have managed to overcome their addiction. Yes, I know it is very difficult. Yes, I know you love to get drunk, or high, or wasted on your drug of choice. Yes, I know you love the lifestyle that comes along with it. 34

38 And yes, I know that you cannot picture yourself ever being clean and sober again and actually enjoying life. But guess what? You are wrong. You are not unique. Other addicts and alcoholics love the high just as much as you, some of them even more. And some of them have managed to turn their life around and get clean and sober. So you can too. Excuse #5: I use drugs to expand my consciousness. They enhance me spiritually. This excuse will hold up well in the early stages of addiction. I know this because I was one of the stubborn believers who thought I was finding nirvana through my drug use and experimentation. But this does not last. Eventually, even the most stubborn drug or alcohol user can see that they are lying to themselves with this line of thinking. Sober up for a few days and then you can tell how clouded your mind really has become over the years. At first it is easy to say you are on a spiritual, inward journey while experimenting with drugs. But as addiction takes hold, it becomes same old, same old. Denial will cause you to hang on to those early memories when you 35

39 really thought that you made a spiritual breakthrough while getting high, and you will constantly be seeking that same level of expansion. But it is all an illusion, because now you are addicted, your tolerance is changing, and you will never catch that same moment of inspiration again. Even if you do, it will not be the same, because now you have already been there before. What you really want is to go even further, to get an even better glimpse at enlightenment. But it is not going to happen through artificial means with drugs and alcohol. All chemicals do is give you a little taste of it, and then it is all downhill from there. The only way to really make spiritual progress is to go chemical-free, and start seeking out the natural highs of the world. Also, look at it from an objective perspective: all the drug user is doing is sitting there, not accomplishing anything, and just pumping more chemicals into their body. How is that enlightenment? How is it spiritual? It is a waste of molecules! Get clean and sober and let the real trip begin. Excuse #6: I am happier when I am using drugs. This is denial, pure and simple. 36

40 Our mind convinces us that we are only happy when we are using our drug of choice. But if you get scientific about it, you can prove to yourself just how miserable you really are. Take a notebook around with you each day and write down the times that you are genuinely happy on that notebook. For drug addicts and alcoholics, they will log less than a few hours each week. Every addict and alcoholic has fond memories in their brain of when they were using their drug of choice and it was genuinely fun. Everything went perfectly and they had a good time and they got just loaded enough that they were able to enjoy their life and be in a state of bliss. Every addict has memories like this and the brain hangs on to those memories as moments of peak happiness. Denial is a powerful thing. What it does in the mind of the addict is that it convinces them that they will experience that peak happiness every time that they use their drug. When the addict thinks about quitting drugs forever, they remember that time of peak happiness, and they believe that: 1) They actually experience that peak level of happiness every day on their drug (which of course they do not). 37

41 2) They will never be happy again in their life if they cannot achieve that level of peak happiness, which they believe can only be achieved with their drug of choice. Of course neither of these beliefs hold up in sobriety. If you get clean and sober and stick it out for a year, you will have moments of happiness that go beyond peak happiness and create a new level of joy in your life. Furthermore, you will be much more content in your day to day life, rather than being miserable for 99 percent of the time. Denial convinces the addict that they can experience peak happiness all the time, as long as they have enough of their drug. In fact, the addict only gets a moment or two of pleasure every week, and the rest of the time they are just using enough to get by and feel normal, rather than truly happy. Excuse #7: I am more creative when I use drugs. Without them, I am uninspired. This is another lie that the addict tells themselves that can easily be proven wrong. What happens with creativity and getting high is that the two actually can coexist. It is possible to be creative while you are on drugs. That much is true. 38

42 What the addict fails to realize is that they are lowering their expectations while they are high on drugs, so any little creative spark that they have seems like so much more than it really is. By being high on drugs or alcohol, they are amazed when they create the tiniest little thing. Prove it: take any artist who is hooked on drugs and alcohol, and sober them up for a few weeks while pushing them to create. They will always agree that the stuff they did when they were sober is better than what they did when they were high, even though they did not feel as inspired when they created it. In other words, when artists measure their work objectively, they tend to favor their sober work over what they did while they were high. Excuse #8: I won t have any friends if I get clean and sober. This can be a tough one for younger people, because friends are so much more important to them. In a lot of cases, a person who is addicted will have pushed all of the normal people out of their life, so that they are surrounded by friends and people who use drugs just like they do. Many addicts will complain that they do not have any people in their life who do not get high. They are surrounded by users. 39

43 Getting clean and sober can be tough in the short term, because you are basically going to have to sever most, if not all, of these connections. But recovery is a new path in life, and when one door closes, another opens. Old friends will be replaced with new ones. No one really wants to hear that, though. It is like telling a child who is being forced to move to a new state that they will make new friends. Who cares? They want to keep the friends that they have got. But of course we all know that life does go on, and that new friends will be made. The moment of surrender goes beyond all this. You have to be desperate enough and miserable that you do not really care about the implications. Yes, you will lose some friends, and it will be a tough road. But if you want to live you will make this sacrifice. And in the end, you will make new friends if you stay clean and sober. You will. Excuse #9: I won t be able to work if I quit drugs. Like many people with addiction, I used to use lots of drugs while I was working. I thought I needed to in order to get through the day. I tried so hard to justify my using 40

44 that I probably believed at one point that I was a better worker when I was high on drugs than when I was sober. Madness. Nonsense. All of it is a bunch of BS. We do our best work when we are clean and sober, and we also have more motivation to do that work. When we are still getting high, most of us resent our work, and we imagine that if we were to stop using our drug of choice, that we would no longer have any motivation to actually show up and get the job done. Of course this is not true. In recovery, a couple of things happen that will change your long term outlook on working: 1) You will likely find more meaningful work if you get and stay clean and sober. You will not settle for just getting a paycheck because without addiction, your life will have actual meaning now. 2) You will be able to apply yourself and get better jobs. You will not fear a drug test. You will be more ambitious in seeking out a better job, or higher education to get a better job. You will find better work and get better pay. 3) You will start to move closer to your real purpose in life, and start to seek education or employment that aligns with that. Work will have new meaning for you, and no longer just be about getting your bills paid. 41

45 To think that some people actually argue that they won t be able to work effectively when they get clean is just ridiculous. Excuse #10: I deserve to use drugs. That is how I reward myself. I work hard and deserve it. Once again, check your misery rating. How often are you truly happy when you are actively using drugs or alcohol? You live in fantasy most of the time, always thinking of having a greater supply of drugs, more money, or being off somewhere at a better party. You are never really happy right now and most of the time you are just obsessing over your drug of choice and how you are going to get more and when you are going to get high and all of that stuff. So what is your real reward when using drugs? You get high often but rarely does it live up to the fantasy you have in your mind of when you got totally wasted that one time and it was just such a great party and fun was had by all. Those times are over and even if they are not then they are still few and far between. Most days it is just a grind to wake up and get your fix of whatever just so you don t feel like crap anymore. Part of denial is telling yourself that it is always that fantasy when you get high, when the reality is that you are 42

46 miserable for like 98 percent of the time. Really look at your life and think about how many hours each week you are at that fantasy level of happiness. It is going to be precious few if you are a true addict or alcoholic. When you are clean and sober you can treat yourself to real rewards that actually have meaning. Right now in active addiction, you would turn up your nose at examples of this such as taking a nice vacation, eating a steak dinner, or buying a brand new car. Those things don t appeal to someone stuck in addiction, because their reward system has completely changed. But it will change back, over time, even if you do not believe it will. Real life will have meaning again, and you will find pleasure in the simple things again. And life will be good again! Excuse #11: I depend on drugs for a medical condition. It is a medical necessity for me. I won t get into the medical marijuana stuff here because that is a huge can of worms. But suffice it to say that there are at least two major conditions out there that can create addicts who become dependent on medication and also abuse it. Those are: 1) Anxiety medications such as Xanax, Valium, Librium, Klonopin, Ativan, etc. 43

47 2) Opiates for pain such as Vicodin, Percocet, Oxycontin, Ultram, etc. In both of these cases, alternatives do exist, especially if someone is abusing their prescription. Now this is not to say that the use of these medications is never justified. However, if someone is addicted to any of these meds, then there is almost always a healthier alternative that is not addictive and can still be able to help alleviate their symptoms. There are pain clinics. There are alternative therapies. There are anxiety medications that are NOT addictive. It is your responsibility to find a doctor who is knowledgeable about addiction. It is your responsibility to educate your doctor if they are completely clueless. If you do not want to take responsibility for this, then you will likely stay stuck in addiction. I have watched a few addicts in recovery who just cannot seem to get it because they have this blind faith in a doctor of theirs that is not very addiction-savvy. The addict thinks that if they have a green light from the doctor then everything is justified now and they can do no wrong. Of course it does not work this way if the doc keeps prescribing addictive meds to them. 44