Domestic Violence and the international community Office for Violence Prevention and Victim Assistance Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey 3 Bartlett Street New Brunswick, NJ 08901-1190 732-932-1181 vpva@echo.rutgers.edu http://vpva.rutgers.edu
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE Ideas about domestic violence vary from country to country. In some countries domestic violence is viewed as a family problem. In the United States and many other countries, it is considered to be a crime. Members of a university community, living at a distance from a supportive network of family and friends, may be particularly vulnerable to domestic violence in relationships. This can be especially true for international students and faculty members, who are often isolated by language and cultural differences as well as by physical distance. Victims may have difficulty expressing what they are experiencing. They may be unaware that help is available to them. They may feel completely dependent on their abusers or have unrealistic concerns about the consequences of reporting the abuse. Abusive behavior may be aggravated or intensified by a partner s frustration and struggle with language, bias, or feelings of isolation and powerlessness. This brochure provides information to help international students and faculty at Rutgers University and their spouses and partners to: Recognize the behaviors that are considered incidents of domestic violence and the relationships in which such violence typically occurs. Understand the legal options that apply to domestic violence victims and their abusers. Learn about the resources that are available to members of the Rutgers community who are victims of domestic violence.
Recognizing Domestic Violence Most episodes of domestic violence occur in heterosexual relationships, and a man is most often the abusive partner. However, domestic violence may also involve a same-sex relationship and/or a male or child victim. Behaviors Abusive behavior is not always or necessarily physical. Sexual, verbal, and economic abuses also constitute domestic violence. Physical abuse is any act that inflicts or intends to inflict bodily harm, such as hitting, punching, slapping, biting, kicking, choking, grabbing, or pushing. Sexual abuse is any sexual activity forced upon a person without his/her consent. In addition to forced sexual intercourse and other forced sexual contact, behaviors can include degrading treatment based on partner s gender, sexual criticism, or indecent exposure. Verbal/emotional/mental abuse is the systematic attempt to destroy a person s sense of worth or self-esteem by, for example, name calling, making jealous accusations, imposing restrictions on a partner s social life, limiting or discouraging contact with friends and family, private or public humiliation, use of physical size to intimidate, threatening suicide or other forms of self-harm, or threatening the partner with physical harm. Economic abuse is any act or behavior that demeans a person by controlling the use and availability of his/her money. This can include taking the partner s money; demanding or expecting sexual favors in return for gifts or payment of expenses such as rent and tuition; prohibiting the partner from working, interfering with the partner s work or preventing the partner from getting to work by, for example, taking car keys.
CYCLE OF VIOLENCE Relationships More often a recurring behavior than a single incident, the violence in an abusive relationship tends to follow a cyclical pattern in which mounting tensions trigger a violent episode, followed by a peaceful interlude during which the abuser works to regain control of the relationship. Stage 1: Growing Tension As tension begins to develop, the abuser becomes edgy and more likely to react angrily and inappropriately to even minor challenges and frustrations. This tension increases to the point where the abuser feels s/he has lost control over the victim. Abuser s Behavior: The abuser may be moody, critical, or withdrawn; may isolate, threaten, or intimidate the partner, or withhold affection; may yell, drink or use drugs. Response: The victim attempts to calm the abuser; is nurturing; may be unusually silent or talkative, adopting whichever behavior s/he believes will keep the abuser calm; stays away from family and friends; withdraws; tries to reason; generally acts in a very cautious manner. Stage 2: Explosion The abuser begins to lose self-control. The victim becomes emotionally detached, having learned that to fight back increases the abuser s hostility and brutality. A violent incident occurs--it may be physical, verbal, or sexual. This is the shortest stage of the cycle; it usually ends when the abuser feels that the victim has "learned his/ her lesson. Abuser's Behavior: The abuser hits, chokes, sexually assaults and/or commits another type of sexual violence, uses a weapon, humiliates, or uses verbal and emotional threats and abuse. Responses: The victim tries to protect him/herself; the police may be called either by the victim, the children, a neighbor, or a roommate. The victim tries to calm the abuser, tries to reason, leaves, fights back.
Stage 3: Honeymoon/recapture The victim imagines or pretends that s/he will no suffer no further abuse, and the batterer behaves in a manner that supports this illusion. When control and confidence are restored, the cycle continues. Abuser's Behavior: The abuser begs forgiveness, promises to get counseling,declares love, enlists family support, offers gifts. Responses: The victim accepts the abuser s apologies, promises, and gifts; returns or takes the batterer back; attempts to stop legal proceedings; sets up counseling appointments; feels happy, and hopeful; agrees to remain in the relationship. The recapture element of this stage occurs when the abuser s apparent remorse persuades the victim to remain in the relationship and even to take responsibility for the abuse. By expressing apology in phrases such as, I m so sorry you made me hit you or You know how I get when you act like that, the abuser actually blames the victim, and the victim begins to believe that the abuse or violence is his/her fault. This belief becomes a trap keeping the victim in the relationship. Research shows that the honeymoon stage, often welcomed by both parties, becomes shorter and shorter over time. As the batterer becomes more confident and/or the victim is more fearful, isolated, and dependent, this stage may disappear altogether. Facts about Domestic Violence In 1995, at the United Nations World Conference for Women in Beijing, China, domestic violence was declared the number one human rights violation facing women and children around the globe. (Cited by Peace at Home, Inc.) In the United States: Nearly one woman in three experiences at least one physical assault by a partner during adulthood. (American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family: Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential task Force on Violence and the Family (1986), p. 10) Women ages 19 to 29 reported more violence by intimates than any other age group. (Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Violence Against Women: Estimates from the Redesigned Survey (NCJ-154348), August 1995, p. 4.) An average of 28 percent of high school and college students have experienced dating violence. (Brustin, S., Legal Response to Teen Dating Violence, Family Law Quarterly, vol. 29, no. 2, 331 (Summer 1995) (Citing Levy, In Love and in Danger: A Teen s Guide to Breaking Free of an Abusive Relationship, 1993) In New Jersey, an act of domestic violence occurs on average every six minutes and thirty-five seconds. (NJ State Police Uniform Crime Reporting Unit, 2002 Domestic Violence Offense Report)
What To Do If You Are A Are You a Victim? When a relationship becomes violent gradually over time, a victim often does not at first believe or accept that a beloved partner is deliberately inflicting pain and/or causing harm. The following questions can help you to determine whether you are in an abusive relationship: Has your partner ever: Hit, slapped, punched, shoved or kicked you? Threatened to hurt you or your friends? Consistently ridiculed or insulted you? Become extremely jealous if you talked to other people or went out without him/her? Made you account for the time you spend apart? Forced you to have sex with or touch him/her? Accused you of dating other people behind his/her back? Threatened to hurt you or him/herself if you try to end your relationship? Used being drunk or high as an excuse for violent behavior? Blamed you for provoking his/her violent behavior? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be in a potentially dangerous situation. Know that you are not alone, and that help is available.
Victim of Domestic Violence What Can You Do If You Are a Victim of Domestic Violence? You have several options. Research shows that a victim faces the greatest danger in a violent relationship when s/he takes steps to end the relationship. For your safety and the safety of your children, it is important to discuss your alternatives with a domestic violence counselor or advocate, who can advise you about how to minimize your risks and help you to evaluate your options and formulate a plan. You may separate, at least temporarily, from your abuser. You could stay with a friend or, depending on your circumstances, go to a shelter that is staffed to assist victims of domestic violence. You may call the police and take legal action, pursuing either criminal charges or a civil action. Criminal charges may result in a criminal record for the abuser. Civil actions do not usually result in a criminal record. An example of a civil action would be a restraining order, in which the court orders, among other things, that the abuser must stay away from you and your children. You may seek supportive counseling from a domestic violence counselor, who can explain the types of assistance for which you may be eligible and help you to decide what, if any, action you would like to take. You may decide to do nothing for the time being. You may be reluctant to discuss your situation and/or you may want to wait and see if it will improve. It is important to keep in mind that options remain available whenever you want or need them.
Frequently Asked Questions What happens then the Police are called about an incident of domestic violence? When a victim or someone else such as a neighbor contacts police: The police dispatcher asks for the caller s name and location, the name of the suspect/abuser, where he/she is at the moment, whether there are weapons in the house, and whether there are children in the house. If the suspect/abuser is not in the immediate area, the dispatcher will ask the caller for a physical description to help identify and locate the suspect/abuser. The dispatcher alerts officers in the area. One or more officers will respond. Safety and health are the officer s first concern. The officer asks if there are any weapons in the home. If the abuser owns and/or has access to weapons, they may be confiscated. If the abuser is not in the area when the officers arrive, they ask for a description and radio the description to other officers who will then stop the abuser if the see him/her. If both victim and abuser are present, the officers separate them, taking each person to a different part of the house so that the victim and abuser can t hear or see each other. This is done to prevent the abuser from intimidating the victim in any way while he/she is telling the officer what happened. After the officers have heard both parties versions of the incident, they compare notes and decide how to proceed: They may provide advice on consequences, preventive measures, and available resources to help both victim and abuser deal with specific problems that are making the relationship more difficult. If the victim has visible injuries, the police are automatically required to arrest the abuser: The abuser is escorted to Rutgers University Police Dept. for an investigation, put in a holding cell, and a judge is called to set the amount for bail. The victim is taken either to the hospital or the RU Police Dept, depending on the severity of injuries. The victim is advised about seeking a restraining order or waiving the right to a restraining order. If children are involved and are injured, they are taken to the hospital for evaluation or, if not severely injured, to the police station (unless relatives are available to care for them). The child and both parents are questioned about any injuries to the child. Depending on the extent of the injuries, age of the child and response, the Division of Youth and Family Services may be contacted.
Does the Police Department respond to every call? The police respond to every call, and an investigation report is filed regardless of whether or not the couple is married. What happens to victims whose visa status depends on the abusing spouse? RUPD will not report the victim s status to the Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services. What is a restraining order? A restraining order is a court order compelling the abuser to do or to refrain from specific activities. The most common order requires the abuser to stay away from and/or have no contact with the victim. Must I call the police in order to get a restraining order? No. You may apply for a restraining order at the Family Court in Camden, Newark or New Brunswick (depending on your county of residence). Family Court is open for restraining order applications Monday through Friday from 8:30 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. A domestic violence counselor or advocate can assist you in making this application. How can I help a friend who is in an abusive relationship? Often a victim has lost all sense of control and power over his/her life and needs help and encouragement to make decisions about contacting the police, seeking medical attention, and getting counseling. If someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, s/he needs you to provide support and understanding, and to do this in a nonjudgmental and non-controlling way. Understand that each person recovers at his/her own pace. Be sure s/he has the information and support to make good decisions. Accept that his/her feelings are normal. Understand that s/he may be afraid and, for the moment, may need a place to feel safe. Let the person know that you are available to listen to him/her. S/he needs to decide what to tell you and when. Encourage the person to talk. Listen and help him/her feel safe and secure. If you need to talk to someone about your own feelings or how to help your friend, contact VPVA (732/932-1181).
Resources In the United States, both state and federal laws can protect victims of domestic violence and their children. Please contact one of these references to learn about your rights. All calls and appointments are strictly confidential New Jersey Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800/572-SAFE (1-800/572-7233) Violence Prevention and Victim Assistance Counseling, crisis intervention, legal advocacy 3 Bartlett Street Tel. 732/932-1181 Camden Women s Center Emergency shelter, counseling, legal advocacy Camden County Domestic Violence Program Tel. 856-227-1234 Family Violence Program Emergency shelter, counseling, legal advocacy Essex County Domestic Violence Program Tel. 973-484-4446 Women Aware Emergency shelter, counseling, legal advocacy Middlesex County Domestic Violence Program Tel. 732/249-4504 Manavi, Inc. Specializing in services to South Asian Women P.O. Box 3103 New Brunswick, NJ 08901 American Friends Service Committee (AFSC) Immigrant Women Rights Program 972 Broad Street Newark, NJ 07102