Courageous Conversations Presented by: Lesley Lage Regional Director of Chapters, Region 2
How we can apply this concept in both our Kappa world and our other worlds based on the book Crucial Conversations by: By Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler
Courageous Conversations What makes a conversation crucial vs. typical? First, opinions vary Second, the stakes are high Third, emotions run strong
Courageous Conversations How do we typically handle crucial conversations? We can avoid them We can face them and handle them poorly We can face them and handle them well
Courageous Conversations Why don t crucial conversations tend to go well? Emotions tend to rule Your body physically reacts We are under pressure We are stumped We act in self-defeating ways
Courageous Conversations Common Crucial Conversations Ending a relationship Giving the boss feedback about her behavior Critiquing a colleague s work Talking to a team member who isn t keeping commitments Talking to a colleague who is hoarding information or resources
Courageous Conversations Why it is important to master crucial conversation skills: Kick start your career Improve your organization Improve your relationships Revitalize your community Improve your personal health
Courageous Conversations Situations where we can implement this conversation style: Peer-to-peer officer concerns Adviser to officer conversations Alumnae Association officers Council action visits Parent conversations Greek Adviser/ University meetings PDC conversations
The Pool of Shared Meaning Silence Safety Pool of Shared Meaning Safety Violence
Get Unstuck Spot the conversations that are keeping you stuck Hold the right crucial conversation with CPR Content: a single instance of a problem Pattern: a reoccurring problem Relationship: problem is impacting working relationship- trust or competence in question
Get Unstuck Partner Discussion: What conversations am I not holding or not holding well? Share an example of a conversation which is long overdue. Am I holding the right crucial conversations?
Start with Heart Work on me first Focus on what you really want Refuse the Sucker s Choice
Learn to Look Look for when a conversation becomes crucial Look for silence and violence Learn to look for your own Style Under Stress- this helps you know where you ll automatically revert to when things get tense
Activity
Make It Safe Apologize when appropriate Contrast to fix misunderstandings Create Mutual Purpose- critical to not come across insincere If we don t talk it out, we ll act it out
Think about- Am I behaving like I want? Unhealthy Motives Motives of Dialogue Be right Look good/save face Win Punish, blame Avoid conflict Learn Be Curious Find the truth Produce results Strengthen relationships
STATE My Path During Crucial Conversations, we say things in the wrong way These 5 following skills allow us to say risky thing in a way that minimizes defensiveness bringing us to mutual purpose and ultimately a solution
STATE My Path STATE: Share your facts Tell your story Ask for others paths (what) Talk tentatively Encourage testing (how)
STATE My Path Think of a tough message you d like to share with someone but haven t because you think he or she may become defensive or upset Share your facts Tell your story Ask for others paths (what) Talk tentatively Encourage testing (how)
Conversation between Risk Management Advisor and Risk Management Chairman Concern- EPF s not being submitted on time and as a result events not being approved. Facts Do you have some time to talk? I m aware of some issues we ve had recently with events not getting approved until the day of or cancelled. The last 2 times we ve communicated about this you ve shared this would not continue and it has. Story This leads me to think that you don t understand the example this sets for the chapter officers and the lack of relationship it sets up between the chapter council and the chapter. Ask Can you help me to better understand why this continues to occur? Is there something that I can help you with? Talk Tentatively I believe what we should do is make sure we set expectations for the chapter and commit to a specific turn around time from you. How do you feel about that?
Conversation between Alumnae Association President and Treasurer Concern- Treasurer has collected member dues but failed to submit them to HQ in a timely fashion. Members do no appear to be in good standing with the Fraternity. Facts Do you have some time to talk? I ve been contacted by association members stating their membership is not updated accurately and HQ is showing them listed as not in good standing. We ve spoken about the timeline once the dues are collected and the timeline in which they need submitted previously. Story I ve started to think that maybe there is something preventing the timely submission of our members dues to HQ. This puts a stress on our relationship with our members. Ask Can you help me to better understand why this is occurring? What s your view of the situation? Talk Tentatively I believe what we should do is set up a timeline from the date the dues are collected through the submission to HQ. How do you feel about that?
Now It s Your Turn!
Move to Action How Do We Make This Happen? Document who does what by when and follow-up Set a regular check in for ongoing tasks I know you have a lot on your plate, and I don t want to pester you, so when should we reconnect? Let s check back in with each other in a few weeks via phone.
When we are heading into these uncomfortable situations/conversations by either avoiding (silence) or being ready to attack (violence) it s due to anticipating the others reaction We take that power away by focusing on ourselves (start with the heart) and first asking what do we want to accomplish and how do we get there- best done by understanding our own style This improves communication and brings us to that shared pool of meaning which is all about keeping the conversation moving and all parties engaged for the goal of a solution