The Key To A Christ-Centered Marriage

The Key To A Christ-Centered Marriage Bill Loveless Christ Is Life Ministries

Copyright 2012 by Bill Loveless All rights reserved. This book may not be copied or reprinted for a commercial gain or profit. The use of this material for personal or group study is permitted. Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996 by Tyndale Charitable Trust. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers. Scripture taken from the New American Standard Bible, copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. Scripture taken from the New King James Version, copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked (GNT) are from the Good News Translation in Today s English Version Second Edition, copyright 1992 by American Bible Society. Used by permission. Christ Is Life Ministries Website: www.christislifeministries.com Email: bill@christislifeministries.com 1

Table of Contents Introduction...... 4 Lesson 1 - God s Design For Marriage... 5 Lesson 2 - The Foundation For A Christ-Centered Marriage... 18 Lesson 3 - The Source of Marital Conflict... 30 Lesson 4 - What Is The Truth?.. 50 Lesson 5 - God s Process of Transforming Your Marriage.. 70 Lesson 6 Final Truths Concerning A Christ-Centered Marriage..... 84 Appendix-Additional Truths About Our True Identity 101 2

The Layout of This Study There are six lessons, and each lesson has five daily readings. This will allow you to break down the material into five separate parts each week. Throughout each lesson will be exercises, questions, and scripture for you to meditate upon in an Engaging God section. Engaging God The Engaging God section is designed for you to seek out the Holy Spirit for personal revelation and understanding of what you have just read. This is especially crucial when you come to truths that contradict what you believe. If we don t seek God to reveal the truth, then we will never move beyond the false beliefs that we may be believing. The Word Meditation Some people struggle with the word meditation because of the New Age connotations. However, it is a biblical word that we do not need to shy away from. The key is what and Who that we are meditating on. The focus of our meditation will be on God and His truth. If you really have a struggle with the word meditate, then use the word think instead. The Word Revelation I will be using the word revelation several times throughout the study. This is a key word that simply means that God supernaturally takes His truth and makes it personal to you and to your life situations. Revelation is God s way of giving you understanding of what you are reading. Revelation takes you beyond cognitive understanding in that it gives you spiritual understanding of God s truth. What Do You Believe? Remember this key truth as you go through this study: You will not live beyond what you believe. This is key because if you have false or lying beliefs about living the Christian life, then you will be making choices from those false beliefs. What you believe affects what you think, how you feel, and the choices that you make. Therefore, one of God s objectives is to expose your lying beliefs about God, yourself, and the Christian life. He then wants to move you from believing the lie to believing the truth. Therefore, I would encourage you throughout the study to ask God to expose any lying beliefs that you may have and to ask Him to renew your mind to His truth. (Romans 12:2) 3

INTRODUCTION I want to personally welcome you to this study. It is a foundational study of God s design for marriage and how God intends for His design to function. After discipling several married couples, it is clear to me that many Christian couples do not fully understand what it means to build their marriage on the foundation of Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, many believers are trying in their own strength and ability to produce a Christ-centered marriage. My wife and I fell into that category for the first ten years of our marriage. We believed the religious lie that it was up to us (with God s help) to produce a Christ-centered marriage. It wasn t until the end of the first ten years of our marriage that we discovered the biblical truths that I will be sharing with you that are radically changing our marriage. I trust that the Lord will do the same in your marriage as you learn these truths and allow God, in His power, to make them an experiential reality in your life. There will be several biblical truths presented in this booklet. Some of them you already know, and some others will be new to you. As important as it is to gain biblical knowledge, this is only the first step. Someone once told me that information without transformation is just information. God wants to take the knowledge that you learn and use it to transform your life and your marriage. Whether you have been married for a short time or for many years, I believe that God is going to use this study to give you new insight into how He intends for Christians to experience a deeper intimacy and oneness in marriage. 4

Improved or Transformed? Lesson One God s Design For Marriage DAY ONE Be not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Romans 12:2 The initial question that I want to ask you concerning this study is, Do you just want to improve your marriage, or do you want it transformed? If you want to know how to improve your marriage, there are several self-help books on marriage in Christian bookstores that I know will improve your marriage. However, in the many years I have been meeting with married couples, I have discovered that they really want their marriages transformed and not just improved. The promise in Romans 12:2 for you and your spouse as Christians is that your marriage and you personally can be transformed. You see, God is not in the marriage remodeling business. He wants to transform your marriage as opposed to just improving it. I hope that is truly what you want for you and your spouse. Here is a key truth to remember about marriage: KEY TRUTH Without transformation from the INSIDE out, Christian couples will NEVER be able to experience God s design for a CHRIST-centered marriage and experience the HAPPINESS and FULFILLMENT that they so desire. Therefore, the focus of this study will be on internal spiritual transformation of you and your spouse. So whether you are newly married or have been married for a number of years, I believe that God will use His truths in this study to take your marriage to the next level of harmony, intimacy, and oneness in Christ. I can testify that He is accomplishing that in our marriage. Let s begin by looking at three classifications of marriage. Three Kinds Of Marriages For Our Study In my years of ministry and marriage discipleship, I have found that marriages among Christians usually fall into three categories: 5

Category 1 - A CHRISTIAN Marriage is one where both spouses are Christians. Their marriage appears to be doing well, but it is a marriage where there is no real ongoing spiritual transformation. In this category of marriage the couples have learned to cope with each other s fleshly behaviors and attitudes and have learned how to cope with unresolvable conflicts and differences instead of resolving them. In other words, they have learned how to manage their flesh and their conflicts. What Is COPING? It is behaviors that couples use to protect or to insulate themselves from the negative effects of their fleshly behaviors, unmet needs, and unresolved conflicts. Another way to simply define coping is doing whatever it takes to go along to get along. Category 2 - A TROUBLED Marriage is one with ongoing conflicts that are causing a growing emotional separation. Category 3 - A CHRIST- CENTERED Marriage is one where you are living from Christ as the Source, are experiencing ongoing spiritual transformation, and are continually moving into a deeper experience of unconditional love, oneness, intimacy, and harmony with each other and with God. It is a marriage where both spouses are being transformed into Christ-likeness. We will discuss more in depth later in the study about the meaning of Christ-likeness. For now, let me give you a simple definition of Christ-likeness. Christ-Likeness means that you will think, believe, choose, and behave like Christ. Question: Which category do you think your marriage fits into? Think about this: In what ways might it transform your marriage if you were thinking, believing, choosing,and behaving like Christ? The Differences Between The Categories Let s look a little closer at the differences between Category 1 and 2 marriages versus a Category 3 marriage. Category 1 and 2 Marriages Self-Centered Marriages Category 1 and 2 marriages are what I call self-centered marriages. By this I mean that the husband and wife are focused more on self than being focused on Christ. They are both living independently of God with the result that they are living from their flesh. The result of living 6

from the flesh will be coping and ongoing conflict which eventually could lead to separation or divorce. If you are involved in a troubled marriage (Category 2), then your category will be easy to spot. However, it is the Category 1 marriage that troubles me the most. The reason is that if you have learned how to cope with each other s fleshly behaviors and are managing your conflict, then you might be deceived into thinking that you have a Christ-centered marriage. How Would You Evaluate Your Marriage? To give you a better understanding of where you are in your marriage, please answer the following questions: Are you both experiencing an increasing harmony, intimacy, and oneness in your marriage? Is your fleshly behavior being transformed into godly behavior? Is there an ongoing desire for Christ to be the center of your marriage? Are you seeking Christ as your Source to resolve your marital conflict? Are you both being transformed into Christ-likeness? The truth is that if there is no ongoing spiritual transformation taking place, it is simply a marriage between two Christians who have learned how to cope with each other. This does not mean that they can t love each other or don t want a Christ-centered marriage. It simply means that they are trying to produce a Christ-centered marriage using their OWN strength and ability. This begs the question, Can you produce a Christ-centered marriage in your own strength and ability? If you have tried to do this, how is it working for you? DAY TWO Diagram Of Category 1 and 2 Marriages Look at a diagram that should help you better understand a Category 1 and 2 marriage (or what I call a self-centered marriage): 7

A SELF (Flesh)-Centered Marriage GOD INDEPENDENT HUSBAND Self-focused SOURCE FLESH WIFE Self-focused SOURCE COPING, ONGOING CONFLICT, DIVORCE According to this diagram what are some of the characteristics of a Category 1 and 2 (or a selfcentered) marriage. Characteristics of A Self-Centered Marriage 1. Husband and wife are primarily focused upon themselves, which results in living independently from God. 2. Husband and wife are trying to be the source to make a Christ-centered marriage. 2. Fleshly behaviors and attitudes are not being transformed. 3. Husband and wife have learned how to cope with one another s fleshly behaviors. 4. There is unresolved conflict in one or more areas of the marriage. 5. There is no ongoing internal spiritual transformation taking place. Let Me Use Our Marriage To Further Illustrate. Our marriage was a Category 1 marriage for the first ten years. We were both Christians when we got married. As Christians, we read our Bibles, we went to church, and we attended small group Bible studies. We appeared to have a healthy marriage. We looked at other Christian marriages and felt like we were doing better than most. In fact, if someone would have asked us, we would have told them that we had a Christ-centered marriage. 8

The truth is that over those ten years of marriage we had learned how to cope with each other s fleshly attitudes, we were trying to change each other s fleshly behaviors (i.e., fix each other), and we were trying to resolve our conflicts apart from God. We were doing several of the external things that we thought that we needed to do to experience a Christ-centered marriage, but it was not producing the joy, the oneness, and the intimacy we wanted. Now, let s look at what a Christ-centered marriage looks like. Category 3 Marriage A Christ-Centered Marriage In a Christ-centered marriage the husband and wife are both Christ-focused, they are living dependently upon God as their Source, and they are experiencing Christ-life flowing between them. The result is increasing harmony, intimacy, oneness, happiness, and transformation. The next diagram illustrates this. GOD DEPENDENCE DEPENDENCE HUSBAND Christ-focused CHRIST-LIFE WIFE Christ-focused Harmony, Intimacy Oneness, Happiness, Transformation The Characteristics of A Christ-Centered Marriage Each spouse is living with an attitude of dependence upon God as their Source instead of themselves as the source. John 14:6 Each spouse is focusing on Christ more than on themselves. Romans 12:10 Your marriage is being transformed because each spouse is experiencing ongoing personal spiritual transformation. Romans 12:2 You and your spouse understand your true identity in Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:17 9

You and your spouse draw on God s supernatural power to overcome your fleshly behaviors and to resolve your marital conflicts. Ephesians 1:19, 20 You have a marriage that is increasing in harmony, intimacy, and oneness. 1 Peter 3:8, 9 Question: After looking at the diagrams and characteristics of a Category 1, 2, and 3 marriage, what category most applies to your marriage? The question that you may be asking is, How do we know that these are characteristics of a Christ-centered marriage? The key to answering this question is to go back to the Garden of Eden before the Fall of man and see God s original design for marriage. DAY THREE How Do We Know God s Design For Marriage? God saw everything that He had made, and indeed, it was very good. Genesis 1:31 Let s go back to the Garden of Eden to see what God s design is for marriage. #1 - Adam and Eve Were INDWELT By The Fullness of God. Then the LORD God formed man of dust from the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being. Genesis 2:7 God not only breathed physical life into man, but He also breathed His life into man as well. In other words, Adam and Eve were indwelt by the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. KEY TRUTH: God s indwelling LIFE and POWER were ESSENTIAL for Adam and Eve to live according to God s design. We will see the reason why in the next point. #2 - God Was Their SOURCE To Meet Their Needs. He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification and redemption. 1 Corinthians 1:30 God did this because His design was for Adam and Eve to live FROM Him as the SOURCE. What does it mean that God was Adam and Eve s Source? 10

KEY TRUTH: Before the Fall, God was Adam and Eve s Source to meet their PHYSICAL, SPIRITUAL, and EMOTIONAL needs. #3 - For God To Be Their Source, They Had To Live DEPENDENT Upon Him. And the LORD God commanded the man, You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; 17 but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die. Genesis 2:16-17 For Adam and Eve to experience God as their Source, they had to walk in moment-bymoment dependence upon God. Dependence as we see in Genesis 2:16, 17 was a matter of spiritual life or death for them. Equally important is this key truth: God created man as a DEPENDENT creature. Man was never designed to live INDEPENDENTLY of God. # 4 - The OVERFLOW Of Adam and Eve s Dependence On God His unchanging plan has always been to adopt us into His own family by bringing us to Himself through Jesus Christ. And this gave Him great pleasure. Ephesians 1:5 Most importantly, since Adam and Eve were created for intimate relationship with God, they enjoyed perfect intimacy with God. God s good pleasure in Ephesians 1:5 as it pertained to Adam and Eve was that He was enjoying pouring out His unconditional love upon Adam and Eve. They experienced the fullness of His love, and they were loving God in return. The overflow from living from God s design was perfect intimacy between Adam and Eve, perfect harmony within Adam and Eve, and perfect oneness with each other and with God. To Summarize: Adam and Eve were experiencing God s design for marriage in that they were: Indwelt by God and were living FROM His life and power within them. They lived from God as their SOURCE for their marriage and their life. They lived in total DEPENDENCE upon God. They got their physical, emotional and spiritual needs MET by God. They experienced PERFECT harmony, intimacy, and oneness in their marriage. 11

The next diagram illustrates Adam s and Eve s condition before the Fall: Adam and Eve s Condition BEFORE The Fall GOD Man s Source Adam God s Life Harmony Intimacy Oneness Eve God s Life The OVERFLOW of Adam s and Eve s intimate and dependent relationship with God was perfect HARMONY, INTIMACY, and ONENESS. Question: Looking at your marriage for a moment, how does it differ from what Adam and Eve were experiencing? How do you think it might impact your marriage if you were living dependently upon God, and He was your Source to meet your physical, spiritual, and emotional needs? DAY FOUR What Was The Fallout After The FALL? God s desire was that Adam and Eve would continue an intimacy with Him and have abundant life within, in their marriage, and with God forever. However, God also built into man free will. To have free will means that man was given the right to choose. In Adam s and Eve s 12

FE case, God gave man a choice that related to the trees in the Garden of Eden. The choice given by God is in Genesis 2:16-17. Let s look at the two trees and what they represent: Tree of LIFE = DEPENDENCE = Perfect Intimacy With God, God s Design For Marriage, Abundant And Eternal Life LIFE And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, From any tree of the garden you may eat freely Genesis 2:16 We see from Genesis 2:16 that Adam and Eve could freely and continuously eat from any tree of the garden. Each time they chose to eat of these trees (represented by the tree of life), they exhibited an attitude of dependence and obedience. The result of their ongoing decision of dependence and obedience would be continued intimacy with God, continued experience of God s design for marriage, and abundant and eternal life. The Tree of the Knowledge of GOOD and EVIL = INDEPENDENCE = Spiritual Death, Loss of Intimacy with God, and Loss Of His Design For Marriage Good and Evil but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you shall surely die. Genesis 2:17 In Genesis 2:17 there was one forbidden tree - the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil from which Adam and Eve could not eat. If Adam and Eve chose to eat from this tree, it would be an independent and disobedient decision with the consequences being spiritual death, loss of intimacy with God, and the loss of experiencing God s design for marriage. Their choice was either to walk in dependence and to continue enjoying abundant life, or they could choose independence and die spiritually. For Adam and Eve To Continue Experiencing Intimate Relationship with God, God s Perfect Design For Marriage, and Abundant and Eternal Life, They Had To Make A Moment-By-Moment CHOICE To DEPEND Upon God As Their Source. Adam and Eve Fell Because They Believed The LIE Over The TRUTH. Before we look at Adam s and Eve s decision and the resulting consequences, it is critical that we understand what was behind the choice that they made. The basis for their decision was believing what I call the lie. This lie was Satan s strategy to tempt Adam and Eve to choose independence from God. 13

The LIE For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil. Genesis 3:5 Since Adam and Eve were living dependently upon God, Satan s objective was to tempt them to make an independent choice from God. That is when he came up with what I call the lie. The lie is that if Adam and Eve would eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, they would become like God. If you are like God, that means that you don t be dependent upon God. Therefore, I would summarize the lie as follows: THE LIE Man becoming his OWN god means that he can live INDEPENDENTLY of God with the result that he NO longer has a NEED for God. Question: What are some ways that you believe that man is tempted to be like God today? How could some of those ways negatively impact the marriage relationship? Question: What do you think might be some of the negative effects in a husband-wife relationship as a result of believing the second part of the lie that we can live independently of God? The Truth You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. John 8:32 What is the truth concerning what Satan was saying to Adam and Eve? First of all, Adam and Eve were already like God to the extent He wanted them to be. He says this in Genesis 1:26. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Part of the lie was that they could be their own god and live life independently of the one true God. The truth is that there is only one God, and man was created to live dependently upon Him. The following is a key truth to remember as you go through the rest of this study: Life for man will NEVER work by man living INDEPENDENTLY of God. 14

The Line I want to introduce an analogy at this point in the study that hopefully will help you better understand some of the concepts that we will be studying. I simply call it The Line. Above The Line is the truth, and below The Line is the lie. Let s insert the lie versus the truth concerning Satan s temptation in the Garden in the next diagram: The Lie Versus The Truth THE TRUTH THE LIE You were designed to live DEPENDENT on the one true God. I AM YOUR You can be your OWN god and live life INDEPENDENT of God. Above The Line is the truth that man was created to be dependent upon God. However, when Satan came along, the temptation was for Adam and Eve to become their own god. This is the lie. We know the decision that Adam and Eve made when they believed Satan s lies. We will now explore the effects of their decision to choose independence from God. What Were The CONSEQUENCES of Their Decision? 1. They died SPIRITUALLY. When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise, she took from its fruit and ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate. Genesis 3:6 As a result of believing Satan s lie, Adam and Eve chose to sin against God by making an independent and disobedient decision to eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. At that very moment, they died spiritually. Let s explore the meaning of spiritual death. 15

DAY FIVE What Is Spiritual Death? a. The Cause Of Spiritual Death Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned. Romans 5:12 We see in Romans 5:12 that the cause of spiritual death is sin. It is important to understand in this verse that Paul is not talking about the acts of sin. Rather, he is referring to sin as a force and/or an attitude within man that produces a constant proneness toward evil. This force is the root and origin of all acts of sin. b. The Definition Of Spiritual Death The key word in defining spiritual death is the word separation. In the original text the word separation means to sever or cut off. Therefore, spiritual death is defined as being severed or cut off from God. This separation was twofold: SEPARATION from the LIFE of God Being darkened in their understanding, separated from the life of God Ephesians 4:18 At the moment when Adam and Eve chose independence from God, His life vacated their human spirit with the result that the human spirit became dead to God but was now very much alive to sin. Even though Adam and Eve would still be alive physically and soulically, they would no longer possess God s spiritual life within them. SEPARATION from God as the SOURCE But your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, And your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He does not hear. Isaiah 59:2 As a result of Adam s and Eve s sin, God separated Himself from them with the result that He would no longer be the provision and Source for meeting their every need. Spiritual death is caused by SIN which results in a SEPARATION from God s Life and a SEPARATION from God as the Source. 2. As a result of their SEPARATION from God: God was no longer their SOURCE to meet their needs. They lost the PERFECT harmony, intimacy, and oneness that they were experiencing. 16

It was now up to THEMSELVES to resolve the conflicts that they would now be experiencing. It was up to them in their OWN efforts to produce a successful marriage. The following diagram reveals Adam and Eve s condition after the Fall: Adam and Eve s Condition AFTER The Fall GOD His Life His Power SIN = SEPARATION Adam Spiritually dead Self as the source Eve Spiritually dead Self as the source What Does All Of This Mean For You and Your Marriage? 1. When you were born physically, you were spiritually dead. 2. You were separated from God as your Source. 3. Before being saved, your only option was to be the source to live life. 4. In other words, it was up to you: a. To make life work. b. To meet your own needs. c. To become a success. d. To resolve all internal and external conflicts. You may be saying at this point, But Bill, my wife and I are saved. What does this have to do with us and our marriage today? We will focus on the answer to that question in the next lesson. Let me end this lesson with the following questions. Even though you are saved: 17

1. Are you trying to make life work in your own strength and ability? 2. Are you looking to get your needs met from each other or elsewhere? 3. Is there some ongoing conflict in your marriage that you can t resolve no matter what you have tried? 4. Is there something you want changed about you or your spouse but nothing has changed? Summary The focus of this first lesson was to share: God s design for marriage. What happened when Adam and Eve made a sinful, independent decision. What the consequences of their decision were. Prior to salvation you and your spouse were left being the only source to live life. In the next lesson we will see the adverse effects of the Fall of man on your marriage. Question: In what ways did the truths in this chapter shed new light on what you believe about marriage? 18

Lesson Two What Is The Foundation For Living A Christ-Centered Marriage? DAY ONE Introduction In the last lesson we saw how Adam and Eve enjoyed a Christ-centered marriage until they ate of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and fell spiritually. Their sin had separated them from God Himself and His life and power which meant that they were separated from God as their Source. At that point it was up to them to try to make life work living independently of God. In addition it was up to them to make their marriage work. The problem is that God s design from the beginning was for man to live in total dependence upon God as the Source for life. How well do you think their marriage went after they were separated from God? God knew that man could not live as He intended so let s look at what God did to restore in man what was lost after the Fall. What Did God Do To Restore What Was Lost In The Garden After The Fall? God knew that man would be eternally separated from Him because of man s sin if He did not provide a solution. In addition, because of God s design to be man s Source, God needed to do something to restore Himself into man. To illustrate God s solution, I am going to use an analogy that I call the two sides of the cross. The first side of the cross is the SIN side, and the second side of the cross is the LIFE side. Let s begin by looking at the SIN side of the cross. The SIN Side of the Cross - Christ Died For Our SINS To Give Us Eternal Life. First, God had to deal with man s sins. In order to eradicate man s sins, Jesus was sent to the cross to bear all of the sins of mankind with the result that by believing in Him man could have eternal life. and He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed. 1 Peter 2:24 He is so rich in kindness that he purchased our freedom through the blood of his Son, and our sins are forgiven. Ephesians 1:7 (NLT) He who believes in the Son has eternal life John 3:36a Christ dying for our sins represents the SIN side of the cross. 19

Note: If you are not sure that you have received Christ for salvation, you can do that right now. You can simply say the following prayer in faith and receive forgiveness and salvation. Dear Lord, I recognize that I am a sinner in need of a Savior. As a result of You dying on the cross for my sins, I receive You by faith to be my Savior. Amen. The LIFE Side Of The Cross - God Put Himself Into Man To Be Man s SOURCE For Living Life. Even though Christ died for man so that man could be saved, the problem still remained that man was still separated from God as his life and Source. What God did to resolve this separation is what I call the LIFE side of the cross. Let s explore the meaning of the LIFE side of the cross. 1. God Put The FULLNESS of HIMSELF Back Into Man. The reason I said that God put the fullness of Himself back into man is that Adam and Eve contained the fullness of God before the Fall. At the moment of salvation you not only received Jesus as your Savior, but you also received the complete Godhead (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit). We see this in Colossians 2:9, 10: For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority. These verses are telling us that the fullness of the Godhead is in Christ and that Christ is now IN you with the result that you have the fullness of God within you. You no longer have a God Who is separated from you. You now have the complete Godhead IN you! Why was it necessary for God to put the fullness of Himself into man? Remember that in the Garden of Eden before the Fall, Adam and Eve had the fullness of God in them so that He would be their SOURCE to meet their physical, emotional and spiritual needs. That is the same reason that He put Himself in you. Your design is to live FROM God as your Source. Look at three verses that point to God being your Source: He is the SOURCE of YOUR life in Christ Jesus, 1 Corinthians 1:30 (NRSV) In Him we live and move and have our being. Acts 17:28 For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things.. Romans 11:36 These are just three of many verses in the Bible that reveal to us that God is to be our Source for living the Christian life. You may be wondering what it means practically that God is your Source. Let s look at some examples from scripture that will give you a better understanding of this truth. God as your Source: Will give you revelation of His truth. 1 Corinthians 2:10 Will renew your mind to believe His truth. Romans 12:2 20

Will produce the fruit of the Spirit in you. Galatians 5:22, 23 Will work all your failures, conflicts, and struggles for good. Romans 8:28 In your marriage God is your and your spouse s Source: To produce the joy and fulfillment that you want in your marriage. 1 Peter 1:8 To meet all your and your spouse s God-given needs in Christ. Philippians 4:19 To transform your fleshly behavior into godly behavior. 2 Corinthians 3:18 To produce a marriage that is increasing in harmony, intimacy, and oneness. Philippians 1:6 To transform you and your spouse into Christ-likeness. 2 Corinthians 3:18 Question: Are you living from God as your Source to produce a Christ-centered marriage? If so, are you experiencing what is listed above as a result? The next diagram illustrates the fullness of God in man and God as the husband s and wife s source: God Put The FULLNESS Of Himself Into Man To Be His SOURCE HUSBAND WIFE Father Jesus Holy Spirit SOURCE Father Jesus Holy Spirit SOURCE God as your SOURCE in your marriage means that ONLY God can produce a CHRIST- CENTERED Marriage. Meditate: on 1 Corinthians 1:30, Acts 17:28, and Romans 11:36. Engaging God: If you are not truly living from God as your Source, ask Him to reveal to you what it means and how He is to be your Source. 21

DAY TWO 2. You Now Have The Fullness Of God s LIFE and POWER IN You. a. Christ s LIFE In order for God to once again be man s Source, He had to put His life back inside man. We know that the life He put within us is eternal life and that life is in Christ according to the first part of 1 John 5:12: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son. He who has the Son has the life. 1 John 5:12a Why was it necessary for Christ to put His LIFE in you? I would like to begin answering this question by quoting the words of Jesus and Paul. Jesus says: Paul says: I AM the way, the truth, and THE LIFE John 14:6 I AM the resurrection and THE LIFE. John 11:25..Christ who is YOUR life... Colossians 3:4 What are Jesus and Paul saying in these passages? Jesus is saying that He Himself is THE LIFE. Paul makes it more personal when he says that Christ is YOUR life. I trust that you know that you have eternal life in Christ. However, Jesus is talking about more than eternal life. He and Paul are saying that He is your life today, in this very moment. What does it mean that Christ is THE LIFE? Christ As Your (THE) Life means that you have available to you supernatural, Christ-like CHARACTERISTICS that can ONLY be supplied by Christ. To give you examples of Christ-like characteristics, let s look at the following verses: 22

But the fruit of the Spirit is (Christ s) love, joy, peace, patience, 23 kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and selfcontrol. Galatians 5:22, 23a (Parenthesis mine) Therefore, as God s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with (Christ s) compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on (Christ s) love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14 (Parentheses mine) Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Ephesians 6:10 The fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22, 23, what we are to clothe ourselves with in Colossians 3:12-14 (i.e., compassion, kindness, humility, etc.), and to be strong in Christ as Ephesians 6:10 states are all examples of Christ-life characteristics. The following is an expanded list of what is available to you with Christ as your life: These are the Christ-like characteristics that are available to you in Christ: Unconditional love Victory Worth Acceptance Faith Freedom Patience Strength Peace Power Forgiveness Understanding Security Fearlessness Wisdom Discernment Adequacy Humility Confidence Boldness Righteousness Selflessness Rest Compassion Courage Hope Gentleness Control Faithfulness Joy Example: Christ as your life means that Christ IS your forgiveness, your security, your unconditional love, etc. Question: If you have the fullness of Christ in you, how much of each of these characteristics do you contain? If Christ is your life and He is in you, do you need to try to produce any of these characteristics by your own efforts? Exercise: Look at the list and write down two or three of the characteristics that you would like to experience more of in your marriage. Engaging God: Begin asking God to give you greater revelation and application of Christ being your life. Since you are the container of ALL of Christ s LIFE, what is preventing you from DRAWING ON these Christ-like characteristics in your marriage? DAY THREE 23

b. God s POWER In addition to Christ s life, you received all of God s power in you at the point of salvation. you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you. Acts 1:8 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves. 2 Corinthians 4:7 What kind of power is God s power? What kind of power is God s power? To get a better sense of God s power in you, look at Ephesians 1:19, 20: I pray that you will begin to understand the incredible greatness of His power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God s right hand in the heavenly realms. Think of it! The SAME power that RESURRECTED Jesus from the dead is IN YOU! God s power in you is the same power that: Created the heavens and the earth. Opened the Red Sea. Is holding the universe together. Why was it necessary for God to put His power in us? Let me answer this question with a series of questions: 1. Can your own willpower consistently overpower the flesh and the power of sin within you? 2. Is your willpower a match for Satan s power? 3. Can your willpower set you or your spouse free from a defeating sin pattern? 4. Can you transform your or your spouse s fleshly behavior into godly behavior? 5. Can you produce God s design and desire for your marriage? Is it possible that God put His POWER in you to do what you CANNOT do for yourself or your spouse? 24

God Put His LIFE and POWER In Man HUSBAND WIFE GOD S LIFE POWER GOD S LIFE POWER Questions: What is it that you are trying to do in your own willpower to change you, your spouse, and your marriage? How is it working? Engaging God: Begin to seek God, in His power, to accomplish those things that are in the list of questions before the diagram above. The next diagram illustrates the LIFE side of the cross: God put the FULLNESS of Himself in you. Colossians 2:9, 10 Christ died for the forgiveness of your sin. Ephesians 1:7 God put His LIFE & POWER in you. Colossians 3:4; Ephesians 1: 19, 20 God is now the SOURCE FROM whom you are to live life and produce a Christ-centered marriage. 1 Corinthians 1:30 25

DAY FOUR One More Reason That Christ Put His Life In You Jesus says that He is THE LIFE for another reason. Paul tells us this reason in the first part of Galatians 2:20: I am crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ (THE LIFE) lives IN me (Parenthesis mine) Think about what Paul is saying in this verse. When Paul says that I no longer live, he in effect is saying that he CANNOT be the source for living life which includes living the Christian life. He is saying that he is depending upon Christ, THE LIFE, to live His life in Paul. This is amazing considering all of Paul s credentials, intellect, and ability. However, he clearly acknowledges that none of those things qualifies him to be the source. What Paul is admitting is this: He NEEDS Christ as his Source to live life. The truth is that the only way life will truly work is for us to depend on Christ to live His life in us. In this next section, I will give you some examples of what it means for Christ to live His life in you as it relates to God s promises. Questions: Have you realized before now that the Christian life is about Christ living His life in you? If not, how might it change how that you are living your Christian life? Meditate: on the first part of Galatians 2:20 above. Go through this verse and think about the depth of what Paul is saying and the impact that this verse should have in your life and marriage. Engaging God: Ask God to give you further revelation of what He means when He says that He wants to live His life in you. The Key To Living The Christian Life: To live the Christian life means to live FROM Christ as your Source to live HIS life in you. What God Promises To Do As He Lives His Life In You You may be asking, What does it look like for God to live His life IN me? I want to share with you a few of God s promises to give a clearer understanding of this. 26

As God lives His life in you, He promises: VICTORY - He will be your victory over the power of sin, the flesh, the world, and the power of Satan. but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Corinthians 15:57 FREEDOM - He will set you free from defeating sin patterns and ongoing inner struggles. So Christ has really set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don t get tied up again in slavery to the law. Galatians 5:1 HEALING - He will heal you of your past and present woundedness. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3 SUPPLY - God will supply all your needs. My God shall supply all your needs..in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19 INTIMACY - He will draw you into a personal, intimate relationship with Himself. His unchanging plan has always been to adopt us into His own family by bringing us to Himself through Jesus Christ. And this gave Him great pleasure. Ephesians 1:5 God living His life in you results in you EXPERIENCING His promises! Question: Are the promises in the preceeding scriptures an experiential reality in your life? Are you experiencing the promised freedom, victory, healing, transformation, and intimacy with God that you and your spouse desire? If not, do you desire them? Meditate: on God s promises. Think about which of the promises that you most want to experience for yourself and your spouse. Engaging God: If you are not experiencing these promises to the extent that you would like, ask God to begin making these promises an experiential reality in your life. DAY FIVE 27

The Ultimate Goal Of God Living In You and Your Spouse The ultimate goal of God living in you and your spouse is to fulfill your spiritual destiny. We see our spiritual destiny in the following two verses: For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son. Romans 8:29 And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord s glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3:18 What do these two verses mean concerning your spiritual destiny? Your and Your Spouse s Spiritual Destiny: To be transformed into the LIKENESS of CHRIST which means that you will progressively think, feel, believe, choose, and behave LIKE Christ. I don t know if you have given much thought to your spiritual destiny. This is God s overall desire and design for your life. Can you imagine the impact on your life personally and on your marriage if you are both thinking, believing, choosing, and behaving like Christ? God knows the impact of this eternally more than we do. That is why His focus is to transform your life and your marriage to fulfill that destiny. We see this in Romans 12:2: do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed Every one of us wants to be changed in areas of our personal life as well as in our married life. God is the Source to produce this transformation. We will see in a future lesson God s process of transforming our lives and our marriages. Meditate: on the scriptures above concerning your spiritual destiny. Question: In what ways do you think it would change your marriage if you were thinking, feeling, choosing, believing, and behaving like Christ? Engaging God: Begin seeking God to give you further revelation of what it means to be transformed into the likeness of Christ. Christ Living His Life In Us Will Produce A CHRIST-CENTERED Marriage. I have come that you might have life and have it ABUNDANTLY. John 10:10b 28

As you live from the fullness of God and His life and power, He will produce in you and your spouse a Christ-centered marriage. If you were experiencing a Christ-centered marriage, would you say that is part of the abundant life that Jesus promises? Having lived a Christian marriage and who are now experiencing more of a Christ-centered marriage, Paige and I would agree that we are experiencing greater and greater abundance in our marriage. Part of the ABUNDANT life that Christ promises is experiencing a CHRIST-CENTERED marriage. To sum up what we have discussed using The Line analogy, look at the truth above The Line versus the lie below The Line in the next diagram: THE TRUTH THE LIE The Lie Versus The Truth About Living Life Christ is Source for living life. Christ lives His life in you and your spouse. Results: Victory, Freedom, Healing, Transformation, Christ-centered marriage. I AM YOUR You or your spouse trying to be the source to live life and produce a Christ-centered marriage. Results: Coping, frustration, conflict, no transformation, self-centered marriage. 29

Lesson Three The Source of Marital Conflict DAY ONE Introduction If you are reading this, I trust that you have accepted Christ as your Savior. If so, the good news is that you are saved. Even though you are saved, how are the effects of the Fall of Adam and Eve negatively impacting your marriage? We will be looking at six areas of conflict in marriages: Unmet God-given needs Fleshly rights Unmet expectations Unforgiveness/Unrepentance Not knowing your or your spouse s true identities What Is The SOURCE Of All Marital Conflict? When I came into the marriage relationship, I did not realize at the time that marriage would not be all about ME. I also quickly discovered that Paige was not all about me. She came into marriage also thinking about herself. In other words, I came into marriage as the lord of my ring, and she came into marriage as the lord of her ring. How We Came Into The Marriage Relationship HUSBAND It is all about ME! WIFE It is all about ME! The Lord Of MY Ring So, right from the beginning we both had what I call the It s all about me syndrome. 30

It s All About Me Syndrome is about getting MY needs met, my spouse fulfilling MY expectations, and my spouse conforming to what I believe that marriage should be about. The Bible has a name for this syndrome: The Flesh For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the wishing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. Romans 7:18 SELF-FOCUS in life and in marriage is called THE FLESH! The biblical meaning of the word flesh is man s desire to live life with himself as the source, independently or apart from God as his Source. Prior to salvation, we learned that we had no choice but to depend upon ourselves (our flesh) as the source for solving our problems, dealing with life, and becoming a success. We were living life out of our own resources (such as education, IQ, personality, looks, talents, abilities, capabilities, self-discipline, and self-strength) apart from God as our Source. As we did this, it reinforced our desire to BE the source for life. (Note: It is worth noting at this point that God gave every one of us IQ, talents, abilities, etc. However, God never intended for us to live from those talents and abilities independently of Him.) Even though you have trusted Christ for salvation, you still have the influence of your flesh on your life and in your marriage. There is, and will always be until the day we die, the desire within us to live independently of God. Let s look at some of the characteristics of the flesh and how they apply to marriage. Characteristics of The Flesh For we know that the Law is spiritual; but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. Romans 7:14 Living from the flesh in marriage is an independent attitude that says: I need to be in control of me and my spouse. I must get my needs met from my spouse. I can handle, fix, solve, or overcome all my marital problems, conflicts, etc. I can change me and my spouse. I can have a fulfilling marriage independent of God. 31

Do any of these fleshly attitudes apply to you? The truth is that if you live from your flesh in your marriage, all of these are true of you. It is the nature of the flesh to want to be in control, to get needs met, to change our spouses, etc. Let me ask you some questions: Have you TRIED to: RESOLVE your ongoing marital conflicts using your own intellect and ability? CHANGE or FIX your spouse? CONTROL your spouse? MAKE your marriage a success.? The reason I use the word tried is that in the flesh, independently of God, you can t accomplish any of these things. Question: If you have tried or are trying to do any of these things in your marriage, how is it working for you? Engaging God: Seek the Holy Spirit to reveal to you some of your fleshly attitudes in your marriage. The Result of Living From Your Flesh: CONFLICT For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please. Galatians 5:17 There is no getting away from the influence of your flesh this side of heaven, and living from your flesh will only produce conflict in your marriage. Living from the flesh is the foundational problem of every problem in marriage. The flesh can never produce change, increase intimacy and harmony, or produce a fulfilling marriage. Continuing to live from the flesh in marriage will only produce CONFLICT. Question: When you look at your marriage, can you see how living from your flesh is negatively impacting your marriage? Engaging God: Begin seeking God to reveal to you how your flesh is robbing your marriage of the intimacy, harmony, and fulfillment that you desire. Now that you have a better understanding of the flesh and its impact, let s look at some of the roadblocks to a Christ-centered marriage. 32