How to Discipline Children the Islamic Way

Grandma Jeddah s Library How to Discipline Children the Islamic Way New Revised Edition By Grandma Jeddah

How to Discipline Children the Islamic Way By Grandma Jeddah Please Click the following links below to view your video. Or proceed to the next page to read your new e-book. Jazakalakhair for your interest in Discipline without Disrespecting. Links: Part 1 Part 2 2

How to Discipline Children the Islamic Way By Grandma Jeddah Summit Garden Press Los Angeles, California 3

How to Discipline Children the Islamic Way Author: Grandma Jeddah 2012 All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction or distribution through any means, including email, in whole or in part in any form. Permission for printing is given to owners who have purchased or received this book in some manner directly from the author or affiliates under the condition that the information be used for the owner s personal development and not distribution or sales purposes. 4

The information provided in this book is intended for educational development. We are not liable for any negative consequences incurred as a result of implementing the contents of this book. This book is not a replacement for advice by a licensed health professional. If your child has severe emotional or behavioral problems, seek health providers such as your personal physician, psychologist, psychiatrist, clinical worker or social worker. In addition, keep your children in your duas. According to hadith, The Prophet (saw) used to say the following dua for his two grandsons, Hassan and Hussein: "A oodhu bi kalimaat Allah al-taammah min kulli shaytaanin wa haammah wa min kulli aynin laammah I seek refuge in the perfect words of Allah, from every devil and every poisonous reptile, and from every evil eye. (Narrated by al-bukhari, Ahadeeth al-anbiyaa, 3120). 5

TABLE OF CONTENTS Introduction..7 Common Discipline Views..10 Why be Concerned with the Issue of Hitting 10 Scholars Opinions on Hitting Children..11 The Way the Prophet (saw) Interacted with Children..19 Hadith on Hanging Your Whip 22 Meaning of Discipline without Hitting..23 Helpful Resources..25 Works Cited..26 6

Introduction This book is for Muslim parents who are concerned about raising their children up as good Muslims. It was written for these parents, but its intent is not to present what they should teach their children. The purpose of this book is to offer parents an awareness of the manner in which they should guide their children toward virtuous lifestyles. It s for those parents who want to guide their children to what s right but also want to direct in ways that have been encouraged in our religion. These parents wish to avoid instructing in ways that are contrary to our religion. Many Muslim parents today (converts as well as those born into Islam) discipline their children according to their family s cultural traditions rather than Islamic culture. Some of these traditional methods may be appropriate Islamically--others may not. Muslims are generally fervent in wanting their children to grow up as obedient and God fearing Muslims. Sometimes this passion can lead to excesses and even transgressions when disciplining. One of the most common present day customary methods of training children is the use of corporal punishment. Few or no Resources When I first became Muslim, I was one of those parents who used physical discipline on a regular basis. I had only my family background to use as a reference point when raising my children. There were no English Islamic books written at the time which provided Muslim parents with Islamically based methods of child discipline... at least none that I knew of. 7

Slapping children in the face was not uncommon, I d observed. Calling children derogatory names wasn t off the list either. Apparently I wasn t the only one who observed these methods of discipline being practiced by Muslim parents upon their Muslim children. Alhamdullilah, presently, a host of Islamic books, articles, lectures, aswell as websites and blogs offer Muslim parents guidance as to how we as Muslims should direct our children toward proper behavior. These teachings explain that the Quran and our Prophet Muhammad (saw) discouraged harsh discipline, hitting in the face, and the use of disparaging remarks when correcting children. Things have changed greatly, by the Mercy of Allah, from those decades eons ago when I began raising my family. There is an abundance of parenting information on the negative effectives of being excessively harsh when disciplining our children from both Islamic as well as secular sources. This book, How to Discipline Children the Islamic Way introduces parents to some of the Islamic references that suggest the manner in which we should instruct our children. It raises parents awareness to the possibility that many of the methods they may be using to manage their child s behavior may be a result of cultural habit, rather than religious instruction. There are many examples from the Prophet s (saw) manner of correcting that guide us to the conclusion that when disciplining our children, we should be patient, kind and gentle. I m sure many of you are thinking about the hadith that mentions hitting your children at 10 if they don t pray. Don t worry we will discuss that later in the book, Insha Allah. Many parents might also be wondering how do you raise a child without hitting him. That is somewhat beyond the scope of this book. However, suffice it to say there are loads of ways to correct children without 8

hitting and shouting at them. You can find over 25 ways to discipline your child without hitting or shouting in my e-book Discipline without Disrespecting:; Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child And Keep Your Peace of Mind while at It. www.grandmajeddah.com May Allah bless us all to use teaching methods that are most pleasing to Him, when raising our children to be good Muslims. 9

Common Discipline Views I d venture to say most of you reading this book were hit when you were young as a form of discipline. The norm in most societies today, both Muslim and non- Muslim is that hitting your child is necessary in order to raise him up properly. There is a new trend, however, which discourages hitting and encourages other forms of directing children toward proper behavior. This method is slowly penetrating parenting circles and households with children. Many Muslims question this manner of disciplining. They believe discipline which avoids hitting children is something new from the West and not a part of our Islamic way. But in actuality, Islam promotes a form of upbringing and discipline that encourages alternative ways of correcting your child than hitting. Why be Concerned with the Issue of Hitting You may be wondering... why is this issue of hitting our children even relevant? It s relevant because when we discipline our children, we want to make sure we are not transgressing against them. This is an important concern, because in our earnest attempt to correct our children, it s possible we may be harming them. Before I proceed further, I want to emphasize that I am not a scholar, so I can t address this issue from a scholarly standpoint. I am speaking from knowledge 10

I have obtained from readings and lectures of those more knowledgeable than myself. To determine what the Islamic way of disciplining is, I will use two sources. First, I will state reputable scholars opinions on disciplining children. Second, I will give examples of how the Prophet (saw) behaved around children. Scholars Opinions on Hitting Children Sheikh Albany The following was taken from an article in the Saudi Gazette 1 : Sheikh Muhammad Nasiruddeen Al-Albani (May Allah have mercy on him) was asked if it was permissible for teachers to hit students to discipline them. His reply is an eyeopener for us: As far as hitting the face, this is not permissible due to the statement of the Prophet (peace be upon him): Do not hit the face and do not disfigure. As for hitting a student in general to discipline, (let s) mention the statement of the Prophet, Command your children to pray when they reach the age of seven and hit them if they leave it off when they reach the age of 10, and separate them from each other in the beds. This Hadith is proof that it is not permissible for those in charge to hit a child, whether student or not, for not obeying commands until he reaches the age of 10. Without doubt, whatever knowledge any teacher wants to impart to his students will not be more important than saying prayer. 11

If the Prophet (peace be upon him) prohibited fathers from hitting their children for not praying, until they reached the age of 10, then with all the more reason, it is not permissible for those other than the father to hit children for something (lesser) than the salah until they reached the age of 10. Thus, it is not permissible for teachers to beat children even if they did not obey him regarding the salah. I would like to also add that the age of puberty for girls and boys differ tremendously from country to country. I know that in general, in countries of warm climate, the hormones may mature at a faster rate; thus the age of Takleef (duty, obligation to observe precepts of religion) would be reached at an earlier age than it would be in a cold climate. So this rule should not be taken in general, but rather each country should look into this with more details. For example, one should find out if that particular child has reached the age of puberty or not? So the ruling will be decided according to what predominates. The Sheikh was then asked: What if the child had bad banners? Sheikh Albani replied: Beating and spanking is not (allowed) at all. Instead the child should be advised. Sometimes words have a greater affect on people than hitting. And sometimes hitting does not help at all; rather it makes them persist in doing that. The best guidance is the guidance of Muhammad (peace be upon him). The child should not be hit as long as he did not reach the age of puberty. Also, from the same hadith mentioned previously, I understand it is wrong for fathers to command their children to pray before they reach the age of seven. This contradicts the command of the Prophet (peace be upon him). It is alright if fathers take their children along with them to mosques for 12

prayers. But as for commanding them, then this is in opposition to the hadith. The Sheikh was again asked: Sheikh, regarding hitting, sometimes you find students leave their houses and have no manners, even good advice does not benefit them, so does hitting them fall into necessity? The Sheikh replied: There is no necessity. Where is the necessity here? Can you comprehend that hitting would benefit when the One who created him (Allah, who revealed to the Prophet) said that [sic] do not hit him until he reaches the age of seven? [Author s note: Here when he says the age of 7, it appears to be an error, whereas before he mentioned do not hit until he reaches the age of ten, as mentioned in the hadith. And Allahu Alim.] The Saudi Gazette adds a foot note to the article that says: Note: However, when this question was posed to Dr. Saleh As-Saleh in his Paltalk class, Understanding Islam, he answered that it is permissible to spank for disciplining children if it is used as a last resort and done gently. The above article is an excerpt from the audio lecture La Qushoor Fil Islam. You can find the link to the article on my website (www.grandmajeddah.com) or by going to Google Search and typing in La Qushoor Fil Islam. This ruling that hitting children under 10-years-old or prior to puberty is not allowed, given by Sheikh Albani, is a position that many Muslims are unaware of. The hadith many Muslims often refer to regarding disciplining their children is the same one the Sheikh addressed, directing to teach your children to pray at seven 13

and hit them at ten if they do not pray. This hadith, however, has been used by many parents, teachers, and caregivers as a ticket to strike children at will, with no limitations. The error of this thinking will become clearer when we discuss the issue of hitting further, with examples of the way the Prophet (saw) behaved around children. With these illustrations, you will begin to see that Sheikh Albani s point about no hitting is quite relevant and vital for many parents who want to ensure they are disciplining their children properly, Islamically. Before we discuss the way in which the Prophet (saw) dealt with children, we will discuss other scholars opinions regarding hitting children. Dr. Saleh Al-Saleh Dr. Saleh Al-Saleh, was quoted in the above article as saying that hitting should be done as a last resort and must be done gently. The condition that hitting should be done as a last resort given by Sheikh Saleh Al Saleh is significant. This method of correction is actually referred to in Quran. Allah puts forth two methods of discipline to be enacted prior to resorting to physically correcting one s wife. (Quran 4:34) Using spankings as a last resort when correcting children for misbehavior can be difficult for parents to adhere to. This is particularly the case for parents who use physical discipline as their primary method of correction. The reason is they may be unaware of other effective methods to use. So by default, they resort to hitting. It s not uncommon for an irate mother who has lost her temper with her child to resort to what she is most familiar with striking. Hitting is often the first 14

form of discipline the parent resorts to when she s upset with her child. Take the following scenario, for instance. You have family and guests visiting from out of town, and you haven t seen them for years. Everyone is enjoying your delicious dinner. Suddenly, your 5- year-old spurts out a curse word loud enough for everyone to hear? Embarrassed and ashamed, can you resist the urge to hit your child instantly, rather than as a last resort (which may necessitate over a period of time, your taking the time to teach her that the word is improper)? In order to use physical discipline as a last resort, it is helpful to know of other methods to select from and use prior to hitting. Having a repertoire of discipline techniques can help you handle such incidents as mentioned above with greater composure and without smacking. Aside from using hitting as a last resort, Dr. Saleh Al Saleh mentions an additional requirement for hitting. He says that the hitting should be gentle. Other scholars agree with Dr. Saleh Al Saleh on this point. They have emphasized the importance of ensuring that hitting is done gently and does not cause harm. Sheikh Al-Subki According to a fataawa by Al-Subki, he says: With regard to smacking a child for not praying, it is stipulated that the smacking should be light and should not be painful and should not break the skin, or break a tooth or bone. It should be on the back or the hand and the like, and the face is to be avoided because it is forbidden to strike it, because the Prophet (saw) forbade that 2. 15

Sheikh al-fawzaan Shaykh al-fawzaan also addresses the point of hitting gently. He says: Smacking (lightly) is one of the means of child rearing. The teacher may smack, the trainer may smack, the guardian may smack for disciplinary purposes; and the husband may smack his wife in cases of wilful defiance (nushooz). But that must be within certain limits, and it should not be a blow that causes pain, breaks the skin or breaks the bone; rather it should be only as much as is necessary 3. As you can see, if you choose to hit your child to discipline him, according to those of knowledge, it should be done gently, and it should not cause pain or physical harm. Think about it, are you inclined to adhere to these stipulations when you are upset and angry with your child s misbehavior? How many mothers can be certain they will hit their child gently when the child swipes a $20 dollar bill from her purse to buy something from the ice cream truck? Probably not many. We often believe and respond with the thinking that the harder we hit and the more we hurt, the more effective our discipline will be. This manner of correction is contrary to the explanations given by religious scholars. Along with having the understanding that hitting should be done lightly, mothers should also remember that not all children benefit from hitting. In certain cases parents should use alternative discipline methods than hitting. Sheikh Ibn Uthaymeen Sheikh Ibn Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) has said the following regarding hitting children at 10-years for failure to pray: 16

Hit only when effective The command implies that it is obligatory, but it is limited only to cases where smacking will be beneficial, because sometimes you smack a child but he does not benefit from being smacked, it only makes him scream and cry more and does not serve any benefit. Moreover, what is meant by smacking here is smacking that is not painful, a light smack that serves the purpose and does not cause any harm 4. So hitting, some scholars explain, is required only when it will achieve the desired result compliance. If the effect of hitting will lead to more misbehavior rather than obedience, then spanking should be avoided. Because certain children do not respond favorably to hitting, it is to the mother s benefit that she learn alternative discipline methods that can help encourage her children to comply. Avoid hitting when angry Some scholars also state that hitting should be avoided when angry. Most parents have probably experienced an incident or two in which their child s misconduct infuriated them. A parent who is angry is more likely to hit her child out of frustration rather than for the purpose of guiding the child to do what is right. Hitting due to frustration, anger, sadness or whatever malady the parent might be experiencing at the time, are not valid reasons to hit your child. We can see the wisdom in the hadith that quotes the Prophet (saw) as saying, No one should judge between others when he is in a state of anger (Bukhari). 17

Do not hit the face As mentioned previously, hitting children in the face is completely forbidden in Islam. Here are two hadith which clarify the issue of hitting in the face: According to one hadith the Prophet (saw) said, When any one of you fights, let him avoid (striking) the face. (Bukhari) According to another hadeeth, narrated by Abu Bakrah and others, a woman committed adultery, and the Prophet (saw) commanded she be stoned to death, and said, Stone her, but avoid the face. (Abu Dawood) This hadith clearly tells us that even when punishing someone, the person should not be hit in the face. Limited number of strikes Another stipulation regarding hitting is that parents should limit the number of times they hit their child when disciplining him. This limit is no more than10 strikes. Others have limited it to 3 strikes, and Allahu Alim. According to a hadith narrated by Abu Burdah al-ansaari, he heard the Prophet (saw) say: No one should be given more than ten lashes of the whip except in the case of one of the hadd punishments prescribed by Allah. (Bukhari) This stipulation is paramount, as it can help minimize chances of hurting or injuring your child when hitting him. Are you now beginning to develop a new and greater understanding regarding the permissibility and parameters of hitting your child when disciplining him? When disciplining with hitting, you should keep in mind the following conditions: 18

Avoid causing injury Avoid causing pain Avoid harshness Avoid hitting in the face Avoid hitting as a first option Avoid using more than 10 strikes. Avoid using when angry Avoid hitting when child will not respond with proper behavior Now we will look at the way in which The Prophet (saw) interacted with young children. The Way The Prophet (saw) Interacted with Children According to hadith, Anas Ibn Malik said, I served the Prophet (saw) for ten years, and he never hit me, insulted me or frowned in my face." (Muslim) This hadith is truly amazing. It s amazing because children are children. Nature doesn t change. Youngsters can be disruptive, forgetful, irresponsible and annoying at times. This hadith clearly tells us how patient the Prophet (saw) was with the young children around him. Not only did the Prophet (saw) avoid hitting according to this hadith, he also avoided using hurtful words. 19

Avoid name calling According to hadith, the Prophet (saw) said A Muslim is the one from whose hands and tongue other Muslims are safe. (Tirmidhi) When disciplining your child, know that name calling and speaking abusively should be avoided. Allah says in Quran 49:11: O ye who believe! Let not some men among you laugh at others: It may be that the (latter) are better than the (former): Nor let some women laugh at others: It may be that the (latter are better than the (former): Nor defame nor be sarcastic to each other, nor call each other by (offensive) nicknames: Illseeming is a name connoting wickedness, (to be used of one) after he has believed: And those who do not desist are (indeed) doing wrong. Some parents make little of calling their children names such as stupid, dumb or crazy. They don t consider it a serious offence or find it a need for concern. However, this ayat from Quran, lets us know in clear terms that calling our children hurtful words that humiliate them is wrong and should be avoided. So not only should we shun hitting, we should also ensure that we speak to our children respectfully. Establish loving relationship One of the most supportive ways of disciplining our children successfully is by developing a loving relationship with them. We should be kind and merciful to them, and let them know we love them. According to hadith, The Prophet (saw) said, "He is not of us who does not have mercy on young children, nor honor the elderly" (Al-Tirmidhi) One fine way in which the Prophet (saw) showed kindness and love to the young around him was by kissing them. According to hadith, once The Prophet 20

(saw) kissed his grandson Hasan while a companion was sitting beside him. The companion saw this show of affection and said, "I have ten children and I have never kissed any one of them." Allah's Apostle glanced at him and said, "Whoever is not merciful to others will not be treated mercifully." (Bukhari) So we can see that one way to show mercy to our children is by kissing them. The Prophet (saw) also showed his love to the young ones around him by simply saying he loved them. According to hadith, once while he was carrying his grandson Hasan on his shoulders, the Prophet (saw) prayed for him: O Allah! I love him, so love him. Show Patience According to hadith, The Prophet (saw) was also very patient with children s short comings. One narration by Umm Khalid goes as follows: I (the daughter of Khalid ibn Said) went to Allah s Messenger with my father and I was wearing a yellow shirt. Allah s Messenger said, Sanah, Sanah! (`Abdullah, the narrator, said that sanah meant good in the Ethiopian language). I then started playing with the seal of prophethood (between the Prophet s shoulders) and my father scolded me harshly for that. Allah s Messenger said, Leave her. The Prophet, then, invoked Allah 3 times to grant Umm Khalid a long life. (Al-Bukhari) This is such a beautiful hadith. It s beautiful because it lets us know that we don t have to be strict with our children when they do things we deem inappropriate. Many things they do are simply out of curiosity, or childhood play. Within parameters, childhood amusement is something that should be tolerated. In another hadith, Anas ibn Malik states. The Messenger of Allah (saw) was the best of people in character. One day he sent me on an errand. I replied: I 21

will not go. But then, my conscience told me to do as he instructed. But when I came out, I passed by a group of children playing in the street, and I joined them. Later, the Messenger came out and caught me from the back, and I looked at him and saw that he was laughing. He said: Anas, Did you do as I asked you? I replied, I am going, O Messenger of Allah. (Muslim) These last two hadith encourage us to acknowledge that our children are youthful and have childhood tendencies. Hadith on Hanging Your Whip One of the more common devices used for disciplining children when hitting them is the waist belt. Many families consider hitting their children with a belt a standard part of parenting. In light of the following hadith, many Muslim families also consider using the belt with their children a normal and expected manner of disciplining them. You might be familiar with the hadith that says: Hang your whip where the members of the household can see it, for that will discipline them. This hadith is considered hasan by some and weak by others 4. Although there are differing opinions regarding the above hadith s authenticity, an interesting aspect of this hadith is that it doesn t advise hitting with the whip; it merely states we use it as a deterrent for misbehavior, and Allahu Alim. What we can conclude, at any rate, is that if it were to be used, there are limitations as to how one can use the whip, as mentioned earlier in this book According to the people of knowledge, the hitting should be gentle, used when not angry, used as a last resort, not used on the face, not cause pain, and used with a 22

limited number of strikes. And... according to one scholar, it should not be used at all for children under 10 years-of-age or before puberty. According to readings of others more knowledgeable than myself, there appears to be no reference in the seerah or hadith that indicates the Prophet (saw) ever raised his hand against a child 6. He is the best of examples, and we should try our best to emulate him. Meaning of Discipline without Hitting An assumption among many who are unfamiliar with ways to discipline children without hitting them is that those who refrain from hitting their children also refrain from correcting them. In reality, what discipline without hitting or discipline without disrespecting means is that you use effective alternatives to hitting when directing your child toward proper behavior. Alternative discipline techniques There are numerous books and websites that provide a multitude of information from which Muslim mothers can learn ways to direct their children without hitting, shouting or shaming. One such resource is Grandma Jeddah s e-book, Discipline without Disrespecting: Discover the Hidden Secrets of How to Effectively Discipline Your Muslim Child And Keep Your Peace of Mind While at It. Inside you will find 24 alternative discipline techniques to hitting, shouting or shaming. 23

New perspective So now you have a new perspective on the proper manner of disciplining your Muslim child that you may not have had before. You ve heard several scholars opinions regarding hitting your children to discipline them. One says no hitting at all when the child is under 10-years or hasn t yet reached puberty. Others say if you do hit, it should be done keeping the following constraints in mind: Avoid causing injury Avoid causing pain Avoid harshness Avoid hitting in the face Avoid hitting as a first option Avoid using more than 10 strikes. Avoid using when angry Avoid hitting when child will not respond with proper behavior You ve also heard ways in which the Prophet (saw) dealt with the children around him. He treated them kindly. He was remarkably patient with them. And according to some, neither hadith nor seerah mention him hitting children. Explore alternative discipline methods Now, it s your turn. When you finish reading this book, hop on the internet or visit your local library and do a little research on your own to discover new ways you can discipline your child without hitting, shouting or shaming. 24

Helpful Resources If you would like more information on parenting support for Muslim mothers, please visit Grandma Jeddah s website for over 100 helpful links to parenting websites, blogs, videos, books, audio, and articles. www.grandmajeddah.com. 25

Works Sited 1 http://www.saudigazette.com.sa/index.cfm?method=home.regcon&contentid=20 09012828000 2 Islam Question and Answer http://islamqa.info/en/ref/127233 3 Ibid 4 Ibid 5 This hadith was originally related by the Companion ibn Abbas (Allah be pleased with him). Imam al-tabarani included the narration in his al-kabir and al-awsat. The scholar al-haythami classified both isnads as hasan (sound). [al-haythami, Majma al-zawa id] Other scholars considered it to be weak. [al-sakhawi, al-maqasid al-husna] http://seekersguidance.org/ans-blog/2010/08/17/explaining-a-hadith-on-disciplining-children/ 6 Answers to Frequently Asked Questions on Parenting, Drs. Ekram & Mohamed Rida Beshir, Amana Publications, 2005, p43 26

Grandma Jeddah s Parenting Support Having a problem with patience when disciplining your child? You need to read: Reaching Patience: A Muslim Mother s Guide to Self-Control When Disciplining by Grandma Jeddah. Please click here to order http://shop.grandmajeddah.com/ Need effective discipline methods that avoid hitting, Shouting or losing control? Order Grandma Jeddah s first and original 128 page e-book with over 24 practical examples and more: Discipline without Disrespecting. Please click here to order http://shop.grandmajeddah.com/ Want ways to motivate your child toward good behavior in a fun and engaging way? Use Grandma Jeddah s new: Good Muslim Certificates. Please order them here: http://shop.grandmajeddah.com/ Free Newsletter Subscribe to Grandma Jeddah s FREE email newsletter, Grandma Jeddah s Porch. You will receive more informative tips on how to make obeying easier and discipline simpler, insha Allah. Visit Grandma Jeddah s website to subscribe. www.grandmajeddah.com You re invited: Be sure to visit Grandma Jeddah s blog for post after post of useful articles on how to make obeying easier and discipline simpler: grandmajeddah.blogspot.com Don t forget to join the site and become a member. 27

س ب ح ان ك الل ه م و ب ح م د ك أ ش ه د أ ن ل إ ل ه إ ل إ ل ي ك أ ن ت أ س ت غ ف ر ك و أ ت وب Glory be to Allah with His praises. Glory be to You, O Allah, with Your praises, I bear witness that there is no God besides You. I beg Your forgivenss and repent to You. 28