ONLINE DATING Pastoral guidance from the elders of Everyday Church www.everyday.org.uk
ONLINE DATING Pastoral guidance from the elders of Everyday Church We have produced this booklet in response to questions we have been asked about the advisability of Christians using online dating resources to find a potential marriage partner. In doing so we are not implying that everyone who is single should want to get married. Genesis 2:18 indicates that it is good to marry and 1 Corinthians 7:1 says that it is good not to marry. So being married and being single are both good ; neither state is in itself better or worse than the other. However, for those who do desire to find a husband or wife we hope that what follows will be helpful. All the elders of Everyday Church are married (although this has not always been the case), but most of us have been single for longer than we have been married. Nevertheless we are grateful for Lucy Cooper s help in researching and drafting this booklet with us. 1
Online dating for Christian singles: an Everyday Church perspective You may wish it was as easy for you as it was for Adam and Eve. God provided them with the one without any need for effort, awkward dates, is he or isn t he? dilemmas or profile pages. Online dating has been around for ten years or so but the idea of finding a spouse goes back to the Garden of Eden. Gone are the days when we might wait for God to drop the perfect man/woman onto the seat next to us on a Sunday. In our digital age, society looks very different but some things haven t changed. We still desire intimacy with another person and God still brings husbands and wives together in marriage. Marriage: is it that simple? The benefits of marriage and family life are often stressed by the Church, for good reason. While our culture consistently devalues marriage, the Church positively affirms the sanctity of biblical marriage, and rightly so. Marriage as God intended: the context for sexual intimacy, one man, one woman in a faithful life-long relationship that reflects Jesus unconditional covenant of love with us (Ephesians 5:22-33). Single people within the Church, however, can sometimes feel they spend their life going to weddings and hearing about the benefits of Christian marriage. They take marriage seriously and agree it needs wisdom, reverent thought and, most importantly, a compatible Christian partner, but are left wondering how it can be that simple. Their experience may be of a seemingly endless wait, a dwindling pool of eligible matches, disappointment, deep hurt or pure confusion. At this stage, it is the process towards a marriage the murky waters of dating that can be a complex and confusing time, while they pursue healthy friendships, decide what they feel about their singleness and explore what they are looking for in a marriage partner. Both marriage and singleness are good. It is important to remember that, no matter how good and honourable marriage is, God s ultimate plan for us is not actually marriage, it is for each of us to know him and have eternal life in Jesus. Everyday Church seeks to support Christian singles to serve and seek God. To seek him, not only about who or whether they are to marry, but also about the finer decisions on the journey of seeking a partner. And to enable members to protect themselves physically, spiritually and emotionally during the dating process. 2 3
The search: by any means? The internet now plays a huge part in our lives. You can search for anything online: advice on mortgages, the history of a village or family, groceries or a second-hand sofa; so why not add a spouse to the list? We all know of the harm that can be caused by misuse or lack of security on the internet. It is possible to get sucked into bad habits or discover something fake or nasty. But the internet has also opened up a whole new wonderful world of information and connections. While we need care and wisdom, our concerns do not justify cutting off the broadband immediately. Online dating has become an established and popular way of connecting with new people. There are some who believe that looking for love online displays a lack of faith in God s provision and that it involves taking matters into your own hands. As Everyday Church elders, we don t agree with this. These sites are merely a tool and neither inherently good or bad. Any tool can be used for harm or for good. Around us are examples of happy and healthy marriages that had their origins on an internet dating site. These couples are the first to say that the introductions were through the service but their confidence was in the Lord. Of course, there are also those who have had negative experiences. The cause of these, however, lies more often in the actions and motives of users than in the dating service itself. Through a survey and various discussions with Christian singles on their experiences of internet dating, we listened to their reflections on the topic. There are concerns and pitfalls regarding internet dating which we need to be aware of in order to guard against danger and deep discouragement. The responsibility lies with the user to make good decisions. But the issue is less about what they do, or even the methods used, and more about the heart attitude and motivations behind it. Motives Consider some potentially problematic motives for online dating: Disappointed with God in singleness. Hurt from broken relationships. Rushing into internet dating from either starting point could lead people to start new interactions on a bad footing or lead to hasty, unhealthy decisions. A time of healing and restoration in God should be prioritised. A desperation to be married. Feeling lonely. Feeling under pressure to find a boyfriend/girlfriend. Believing that romance or marriage will solve all your problems or that life and adventure will only start when you meet someone new, is believing a lie. 4 While celebrating marriage, we need to recognise the sacrifices and hardships involved too. Singleness is not a waiting room until you say I do. Don t miss out on what God has for you in the meantime: life in all its fullness. Lacking trust in God. Believing in God s sovereign provision for us can be difficult at times. But we have biblical promises that assure us that he knows and will provide for our needs when we put him first and that all things work for the good of those who love him. Check who you are trusting: yourself, a dating service, or your Father in Heaven? Pursuing relationships online must not be at the expense of trust, because you may settle for someone who was never meant for you and, in return, offer him or her a life without your heart in it. When you move forward with internet dating keep God firmly at the centre; surrendering the future and being obedient and open to what he might do. A craving for attention or intimacy. Everyone longs to know and be known and to have deep connectedness. While this can be a wonderful gift in marriage we all, married or not, must find this intimacy first and foremost with God. He is the one who ultimately satisfies, and looking for that intimacy anywhere else will not quench your thirst. John 4:13-14. The opportunity Many singles find it a struggle to meet other eligible Christians. This is particularly true for women, since in many UK churches single women significantly outnumber single men. A number of single women have therefore found internet dating to be a good way to meet new people. So have many single guys. Christian dating sites provide choice and an opportunity to interact with a larger group of singles, and to meet Christians from different churches, locations and denominations. Users can form an impression of whether they might be compatible and have a basis for really getting to know each other, before they actually meet. If location, circumstance or lifestyle limits someone from mingling with people of their age, belief system or situation in life then online dating can bridge the gap. One lady s husband had left her and her children. All her friends were married and it was impractical to church hop or attend many social events. She met a man online in a similar position. Most Christian singles who invest time and energy in online dating are interested in a serious relationship. When both parties are clear in their intentions, more meaningful conversations and discernment of compatibility can follow sooner. 5
Clear values and intentions Spending time thinking and praying through what is most important in a spouse will make all the difference. What are the non-negotiables? Working out your convictions beforehand, and sticking to them, will make it easier to resist compromise and get too caught up in unreliable emotions. Emotional attachment, desire and feelings of attraction can carry anyone away in a torrent. Someone who loves what you love, values what you value and desires what you desire particularly relating to God is a person worth treasuring. Do not be afraid to ask personal and pointed questions about faith and the outworking of it in their life, before a relationship forms. In the thrill of chemistry, big differences can seem less important, but ignoring a significant difference in doctrinal beliefs or life goals, for example, could badly affect a relationship. One woman ignored a difference of opinion about gender roles within marriage. She eventually realised that this difference might lead to serious conflict or frustration. Superficiality and self-esteem A common criticism of online dating is that the process can be shallow and imagefocussed. It s difficult to promote yourself when you are used to being modest about your attributes. Christian dating sites usually encourage you to share your deeper thoughts about faith and give space for descriptions of character, belief and interests, but participants can still make a judgement in a few seconds based on a photo. One guy spoke of his disappointment: people have their ideal partner on their minds and if you don t fit that image immediately then you get no response. Physical attraction is important (generally more so for guys than girls) but there is a lot more needed to make a good match. Time and again in successful relationships we hear that attraction and love grew from an unexpected place, when they looked closer, in contradiction to first impressions. Take time to read a profile and keep the whole person in mind. We are human, and it is easy to feel that we need security and affirmation. The enemy likes to get a foothold and play on negative feelings if he can. Many report that feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem can be exacerbated by unhelpful comparison to others in online interactions. Whether it s an ego boost when they are contacted or their profile is viewed, or they struggle with the disappointment of knockbacks, or question their own worth when they lack interaction it can be an emotional rollercoaster. It is essential that we remind ourselves of our identity in Jesus and as children of God. The idea behind Jerry Maguire s you complete me quote may sound romantic, but it s rubbish! If we believe that it s only when we re with someone that we become complete then we are living a lie. The Bible doesn t tell anyone that they are incomplete without a spouse. We are all made in God s image with a potential for completeness and wholeness in relationship to him. Besides, confidence, security in your identity and contentment in life are very attractive qualities to possess. Time and attention Apart from the expense of subscriptions, the crux of online dating is that it can become very time consuming and have the potential to distract from other priorities. The majority of people asked said that they logged on more than once a week and some nearly every day. As with other types of social media, there is a danger that time on internet dating sites can become all-consuming or addictive, particularly as it can be conducted on your own terms without the cost of a real friendship. One man talked of how, on a dating site, he was like a kid in a sweet shop all the choice made him restless and it became an addiction to scroll through profiles. Try not to let your mind run away imagining that you are walking down the aisle after the first flattery, or spend excessive time dreaming of what could be. We have found that both men and women, understandably, appreciate the buzz of attention. But they warned that it is all too easy, even subconsciously, to crave and feed that attention. We need to be people who crave and feed on the Holy Spirit and keep a healthy perspective, putting things in their rightful place in our lives. For some, the internet dating scene is unhelpful and too tempting. It is a place where they can live a double life, give into lustful thoughts or become a serial dater. Tragically, in these cases, internet dating makes it less likely than ever that they will find true intimacy with another. We are told to flee temptation, guard our minds in Christ and, in Philippians 4:7-8, to think upon whatever is true, lovely, noble and good. If it s a struggle to resist then consider whether you need to stop. Honesty and integrity When talking initially with someone online, little is known about who they really are. No matter how often you re-read their profiles, talk to them through email or phone, you still do not really know this person. They are not known by those you trust and you have not seen the benefit of how they act in their local church or social contexts. Impressions 6 7
are almost entirely dependent on that person s self-disclosure and are subject to their honesty or lack of it. Most people on Christian sites are genuine, although there will always be some who are nothing like their profiles in real life. It is good to be aware that what is communicated may not be reality. Just because someone is on a Christian site and say they are a Christian doesn t mean that they live it out in practice. One girl met up with a guy, through a Christian site, believing that they had the same beliefs. The setting was intimate and as he physically drew her closer she realised that he had been avoiding answering any of her questions about God or his church. It transpired that he lacked genuine faith and was surprised at her views on no sex before marriage. Relax Try to be yourself, not to take it too seriously and not to conform to something for another person s benefit. Some people can feel under pressure to decide at an early stage whether they like someone enough for a serious commitment, often stemming from a genuine desire not to hurt or lead the other on. You don t have to know they will be a life partner before you consider a date. In the Church there can be pressure and speculation, which makes it difficult for a friendship/potential relationship to naturally and gradually evolve. Undefined territory can be awkward but taking things slowly and carefully is wise. Involving God and others Allow God to guide you through prayer. Follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit (John 16:13). Listen for God to speak. There may be a temptation to conceal your online dating life from others, but accountability can alleviate pressure and provide assurance, prayer and support. Some feel embarrassed to admit that they resort to online dating, but there is no need to be embarrassed about this at Everyday Church. We have a church culture of honouring God through seeking input and wisdom from one another. God places us in communities for a reason and relationships need to be conducted in the open with accountability and support from those who know us and care for us. Gaining an objective perspective from others on the person you are getting to know is important. God is relational and so are we. Consider introducing a date to trusted church friends or invite them to a group activity with you. This will help you see how they interact socially and will bring much needed grace, protection, and spiritual insight to you as you evaluate the relationship. If the relationship progresses then we suggest you talk to a church leader from both churches. 8 Practical recommendations It is common for the magic of online interactions to feel different in a real life meet-up, whether due to nerves, personality types or a lack of connection. Therefore arranging to meet sooner rather than later is recommended. Time and time again people speak about becoming deeply emotionally attached to an image of someone via email or phone and, if it doesn t work out in person for any reason, feeling more disappointed. Meet in a public place in the daylight. If you feel uncomfortable, make your excuses and leave politely. It is wise to tell a friend or relative where you are going, what time you are meeting and when you expect to return. It is best not to divulge personal details too early. Keep phone numbers, address, work or Facebook details private until you have met them and feel absolutely secure about sharing these details. Instant messaging services like Facebook or text messages can lead to instant and constant interaction too quickly. Most online dating sites have disclaimers and safety advice. Is it going somewhere? Dating is about finding God s best, so be purposeful. Acting as if you are engaged when in fact you have only had one date places far too much pressure on a relationship, so focus on building friendship first (this is the bedrock of all great marriages). Keeping physical interaction to a minimum early on is wise, and agreeing and honouring biblical sexual boundaries before marriage is essential. Ignoring this counter-cultural advice makes ending a relationship which isn t leading to marriage far more painful and complicated, and creates unhealthy baggage that will affect future relationships as well as your walk with God. Ironically, a person who can keep their hands off you before marriage is showing that they can be trusted to keep their hands off others to whom they may be attracted after marriage. When you are with the wrong person God may give you a lack of peace. Don t suppress those convictions due to fear of the alternative. If you get a gut feeling that it is not going to go any further, end it fairly and with a sense of dignity for both parties. Don t lead anyone on if you have no intention of seeing them again. It is not advisable to stay in close contact with a date after the relationship has ended and both are continuing to search for a partner. Trying to stay friends is possible depending on the circumstance, but it s not always healthy or straight-forward. In general, any ongoing friendship with that person is best conducted in a group context rather than one-to-one. Reputable sites This booklet has been written with the assumption that Christian singles are actively looking for Christian matches, that is, someone who has the potential to partner and 9
complement you in your walk of discipleship. Singles vary in the websites they choose. Some use well-known mainstream sites, specifying Christian faith as an essential, but there are also dedicated dating sites for Christians. Beware of dodgy and scam sites that claim to be Christian, and make sure you do research first. Choosing an established, professional service which has a good reputation and safeguards in place, is important. These sites usually require paid subscriptions. Everyday Church cannot vet or endorse specific online dating services, but we hope the following observations may be helpful to anyone considering making use of them. By far the most popular, recommended and reputable site in the UK is Christian Connection, solely for UK Christians. Christian Mingle and Christian Café have received reasonable reviews but attract more international users. Fusion101 is a Christian free service, reputable but without the same level of strongly positive reviews. E-Harmony is a mainstream site but works differently to other services. It involves a rigorous question process and does the matching for you. Because of this it is more likely that you will be recommended genuine Christians, and it works if you are particularly serious and intentional. Conclusions: As the elders of Everyday Church we recognise that both being married and being single are of equal value before God and we celebrate the fact that our church consists of both married and single people who worship God together, enrich one another s lives and reflect the glory and grace of Jesus to the world around us. Those who are single should feel no compulsion to pursue marriage. We believe that contentment and the pursuit of intimacy with Jesus is the only foundation for true happiness and fulfilment and this is available to both married and single people alike. Desiring to be married is natural and healthy for those who are called to it. However, care is needed to ensure that this desire does not become the thing that defines us or from which our sense of identity or completeness is derived. We see no reason to discourage the wise and considered use of online dating services as one means of meeting potential marriage partners. However, we advise caution and in common with all major life decisions, we encourage the people of Everyday Church to live their lives in the light; being prayerful, actively making themselves accountable and seeking advice from those who God has placed around them in the church family. Appendix 1 THINKING OF GETTING ENGAGED? Biblical marriage is a total and life-long commitment of a man and a woman to one another and to God. It is a wonderful gift from God intended not only as a blessing for the couple concerned but for the whole community. The decision to get married is one of the most important you will ever make so before getting engaged you should talk it over carefully with those who have pastoral responsibility for you, such as your Pastorate Leader or Venue Elder, and others who know you well such as your parents. Only then should you announce your engagement. We love weddings at Everyday Church but before we enter into any discussions about dates and practicalities we ask each couple to meet with an elder to establish the following: 1. That each of you is a follower of Jesus Christ and this is reflected in your lifestyles after all, you will be exchanging vows in Jesus name so it s important that you know him. 2. That you already have a meaningful connection with Everyday Church. 3. That you are taking appropriate steps and allowing sufficient time to prepare thor oughly for marriage, such as completing a Marriage Preparation Course, meeting with a mentor couple or using other resources that we are able to recommend (we d expect this stage to take at least six months). 4. If either of you has been married before, the reasons why your previous marriage ended will also need to be explored. All being well, we will then give you a copy of Planning your Wedding which contains lots of helpful practical advice and information. As an expression of our love, support and spiritual oversight, we would normally want an elder of Everyday Church to be involved in the wedding ceremony. We trust that the above serves to underline our high regard for marriage and our desire to help you not only plan a great wedding but, more importantly, to build a great marriage that lasts a lifetime. David Featherstone on behalf of all the Everyday Church elders with help from Lucy Cooper at the Wimbledon venue 10 11