GETTING to Baby Creating your Family Faster, Easier, and Less Expensive Through Fertility, Adoption or Surrogacy Victoria Collier & Jennifer Collier an imprint of Morgan James Publishing NEW YORK
GETTING TO Baby Creating your Family Faster, Easier, and Less Expensive Through Fertility, Adoption or Surrogacy by Victoria Collier & Jennifer Collier 2011 Victoria Collier & Jennifer Collier. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical or electronic, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from author or publisher (except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages and/or show brief video clips in a review). Disclaimer: The Publisher and the Author make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or promotional materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for every situation. This work is sold with the understanding that the Publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional services. If professional assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought. Neither the Publisher nor the Author shall be liable for damages arising herefrom. The fact that an organization or website is referred to in this work as a citation and/or a potential source of further information does not mean that the Author or the Publisher endorses the information the organization or website may provide or recommendations it may make. Further, readers should be aware that internet websites listed in this work may have changed or disappeared between when this work was written and when it is read. ISBN 978-0-98285-909-4 (paperback) Published by: an imprint of MORGAN JAMES PUBLISHING The Entrepreneurial Publisher 5 Penn Plaza, 23rd Floor New York City, New York 10001 (516) 908-4496 Fax www.morganjamespublishing.com Cover Design by: Rachel Lopez rachel@r2cdesign.com Interior Design by: Bonnie Bushman bbushman@bresnan.net In an effort to support local communities, raise awareness and funds, Morgan James Publishing donates one percent of all book sales for the life of each book to Habitat for Humanity. Get involved today, visit www.helphabitatforhumanity.org.
Dedication We lovingly dedicate this book to our children, Katherine and Christopher. iii
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Acknowledgements Our children, our joy, and this book would not have been possible without the love shared by others. pregnancy. Words are not adequate to express just how grateful we are. We, as well as the children, will always love you. A special thank you to Mike Prieto for sharing his surrogacy experience with us. Without the willingness of others to share their pain as well as their joy, we would have never known about or considered surrogacy. Our journey was a long one and we had many loving supporters travel it with us. We thank our friends and family who were strong and supportive of us as when we lost our child, had two failed adoptions, and ultimately celebrated the birth of our children. We know it was emotional for all involved and we could not have done it without you. v
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What Others are Saying About Getting to Baby As an adoptive parent and an adoption attorney for over 35 years, had. Getting to Baby shares the personal experiences of Victoria and experiencing challenges in creating their family. James B. Outman, Fellow of the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys, Fellow of the Georgia Council of Adoption Lawyers, Law Getting to Baby an important and beautiful story to help others see through many different options. Susan Kovac Sanders, CRNA, Mother of John Gray Timur Sanders (adopted from Russia, 2009) vii
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Table of Contents Author s Note and Disclosure:...xi Baby s Face...1 CHAPTER 1 Preparing to Create Your Family Now...3 Where is Your Mind?...3 Getting On The Same Page: The Importance of Communication, Care-Giving and Setting a Budget...5 Set a Budget...6 It s Not a Perfect World...7 Discussing Alternatives With Each Other...8 Have a Support Team...9 Getting to Baby: Communication Story... 9...11 Different Strokes for Different Folks: The Importance of a Positive Attitude and Self-Care...11 Make Love-Making Fun!...11 Getting to Baby: Communication Story... 11 Go on Vacation!...12 Consider Acupuncture...13 Manage Your Time and Energy...13 CHAPTER 2 Preparing Yourself and Your Partner Emotionally for the Ups and Downs of the Journey...15 Returning Blood Stain...15 ix
x GETTING TO Baby From Someone Who Has Lived It...16 Create a Response In Advance...17 It May Be Time for a Diagnosis...18...18 Getting to Baby: Staying Centered Story...18 to Consider Alternative Methods...23 Research Alternatives...24...25...25 Getting to Baby: Adoption Option Story... 26 Where to Go From Here: Introducing Some Options...27 CHAPTER 3 Infertility Sucks!...29 Why a Couple May Consider Fertility Treatments...31...33 The Potential Risks of Informal Insemination...35...36 Getting to Baby: Artificial Insemination Story... 36 Put it All in Writing: The Importance of a Contract...37 Getting the Sperm You Want...37...39...40...41 Physician Assisted vs. Doing it at Home?...41...42 More on Costs, Insurance Coverage and Add-Ons...43...45...47 Getting to Baby: In Vitro Fertilization Story... 48...50...51
Table of Contents xi Finding the Right Doctor and Clinic...52 More Action Steps to Consider When Looking for the Right Fit...54 CHAPTER 4 The Adoption Option...57 Different Types of Adoption...59 Closed Adoptions...59 More on Closed Adoption...61 Semi-Open Adoption...61 Open Adoption...63 The Importance of a Birth Mother Letter...65...65...66 Hire a Marketing or Graphic Designer...66 Consider Google AdWords...66 Getting to Baby: Networking Story... 67...68 Which Adoption Option is Best?...70 Adopting Internationally...71 Adoption Agencies and Facilitators...73 Important Questions to Ask When Choosing an Agency...74 Getting to Baby: Adoption Story...75 What is an Adoption Facilitator?...75 Important Questions to ask When Choosing an Adoption Facilitator...76 Getting to Baby: Adoption Facilitator Story...77 Adoption Expenses...78...79 Adoption Scams and Warning Signs...81...82 Adoption Action Steps...84 Adoption Checklist...84 Getting to Baby: Adoption Story... 85 Getting to Baby: Adoption Story... 86
xii GETTING TO Baby CHAPTER 5 Success with Surrogacy...87 Getting to Baby: Surrogacy Story... 88 Surrogacy Agencies...89...89...91 Getting to Baby: Surrogacy Story... 92...93 Surrogates Look At You Too...94 Why Do They Choose To Be a Surrogate?...95...96 What to Include In a Surrogacy Contract...97...98 Getting to Baby: Surrogacy Story...99 Decide on a Medical Plan...100 Decide On a Birth Plan...102 Getting to Baby: Surrogacy Story...102 Protecting the Surrogates Feelings...104 Surrogacy Facts...107 Surrogacy Checklist...108...110 Creating Your Family in 12 Months or Less...112 CHAPTER 6 Expecting Multiples...117...118...119 Multiple Birth Facts...120 Capturing the Experience through Pictures...122 The Easter Bunny Brought...127 Second Parent Adoption Hearing...129 Four Generations!...130 ADORABLE!!...131 First Christmas 2010...132
Table of Contents xiii CHAPTER 7 Our Personal Stories Using Alternative Methods and Lessons We d like to Pass On To You...133 Getting to Baby: Our Entire Story... 133 Mr. Dreamy...134 Home Run!...135 We Were High-Risk...136 To Have an Amniocentesis or Not?...137...138 What are Our Options?...139 The Waiting Game...140 It s All in Pieces...141...143 Everything That Seems Certain Changes...143 Everyone Feels Loss Differently...145 The Blessing of Support...147 Meeting Sharon...150 Watch the Scam Boards...151 What We Learned...152...153 Time to Bring in the Adoption Facilitator...153...154...154 Why it Sounded Like a Match...155 What Happened...155 The Day of the Birth...156 The Phone Call...156 The Aftermath...157 A Time for Questions...158...160 The Big Ah-Ha!...160...161...162 Getting to Baby Surrogacy Story: Victory!...162 Research and Responses...163 Brittany...164 The Match...165 Moving Closer...166
xiv GETTING TO Baby Setting Parameters...167 The Process...168...169...170 Cervical Cerclage...171 Decision Time...172 Not Again!...173 The Fun Doctor...173 The Waiting Game...175 Moment of Truth...175 Back to Brittany...176 Her Body, Our Children...176...177...179...180 Post-Birth...182 Rush-Hour in Atlanta...182 The House and Brittany...183 A Fork in the Road...184 Keeping in Touch...184 In Closing...185 About the Authors...187 BONUS OFFER...189
Author s Note and Disclosure: We are Victoria and Jennifer Collier. If you are reading this, you want to create a family or have a loved one who does. When we set out to create our family, we followed the typical roadmap many couples take on their journey. It was a long and at times heartbreaking journey We suffered a miscarriage, two subsequent negative pregnancy test results, and broken hearts. What s next on the roadmap? Adoption. So, we began the adoption process. We had some close calls and two failed adoptions, once again breaking our hearts. We began to feel this was the end of the road for us. Then we learned of surrogacy. This proved to be the fast-lane getting us to baby. We want to share our experience with the knowledge before you begin can help you streamline your process, making your journey one of triumph rather than heartbreak. for medical or legal expertise and advice. We encourage you to discuss xv
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Baby s Face We know how important having a family is to you and wherever you because we have lived it ourselves. There was nothing more exciting than looking into our beautiful twin babies eyes and knowing that important thing to know is that you CAN create your family and you are NOT alone. In this book, we ll be sharing our personal journey with you and giving you the insider perspective on everything from how to prepare yourself to different alternative methods and what to ask when making those important choices. Just by the fact that you are picking up the book tells us that you are someone who is committed and dedicated to learning as much as possible about this transformation called parenthood. Our intention is to both inform and offer suggestions that we wish someone would have shared with us when we started and we encourage you to connect with us after reading the book through www.gettingtobaby. 1
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CHAPTER 1 Preparing to Create Your Family Now into operation. Walt Kelly Where is Your Mind? I remember feeling overwhelmed when someone would ask me that we wanted to be parents. If someone has asked you those questions recently, or perhaps you have asked them of yourself, realize that the question behind the question lies in your mind. What is your driving force behind wanting to have a child? Your mindset directly impacts the methods you choose to try to get pregnant or have a child. It also affects how well you cope with stress. If you are going for a traditional pregnancy with a spouse there are things you have to look at. Have you been doing the same activities week after week? Have you tried spicing it up, or have you seen a fertility specialist? 3
4 GETTING TO Baby What options have you looked at? Do you have other children? Having other children may have positive effects on trying to get pregnant again, but it may also trigger some negative thoughts such as: I ve done this Not having children can affect your mindset of having a child because you probably are thinking things like: Whether or not you already have children can change your mindset, which can have an effect on your pregnancy or ability to have children. Could your age be a factor? Many people are waiting longer to have children, waiting until their careers are under way. People are waiting longer to get married which means that they re generally older when they start the process of having children. If you re a non-traditional or same sex couple, then you have different issues to consider when thinking about creating your family. There are also societal assumptions. For the most part, if you are in your early 20s, you re not being pressured to have children yet. As you age, people start asking you if you are ever going to have children. Those kinds of pressures can add stress and make you choose to do things that you otherwise may not have done. For gay couples, the question is- you are you going to get pregnant? For example, many people assume for example that with a lesbian couple, one of the women can just have the child as if it s as easy as going to the supermarket. People assume that a gay man or gay couple is going to adopt a child. It s easier to know and deal with the assumptions that are out there. That way you can understand how you re going to either comply with those assumptions, stray from those, and be able to answer for yourself what your comfort level is.