DIVORCE, REMARRIAGE & MINISTRY by Bruxy Cavey
A PERSONAL INTRODUCTION - MY STORY... For those of you who are aware of my personal situation in life, you will no doubt realize that I approach this topic with a great deal of necessary interest and natural empathy. The year of 1996 was, without exaggeration, the worst year of my life: It was the year that my wife of seven years announced to me that she had participated in her second affair of our marriage and this time was planning to leave me because of her love of an other man. After months of verbalized repentance that did not take root in action (the affair continued unabated - see 2 Corinthians 7:10), she initiated our divorce. I did not fight this (according to 1 Corinthians 7:15), and may well have eventually initiated a divorce myself had she continued to pursue intimacy with a third party. In the end, any decision-making regarding our marriage was taken out of my hands, and I received my divorce papers from her lawyer in May of 97. Months later she married the other gentleman and today we share custody of our two dear daughters, Chelsea and Chanelle, the loves of my life. At the time of the affairs I was the Teaching Pastor (or "Senior Pastor") at Heritage Fellowship Baptist Church in Ancaster, Ontario. The Board of Elders of Heritage responded with grace and compassion and, after investigating my life and our marriage, asked me to continue in my pastoral position - regardless of what the outcome was to be of my marriage. I looked forward to continuing to serve in pastoral ministry at Heritage, but after a short while found the emotional strain at that time too heavy to bear. Because of my experience of feeling emotionally crippled I offered my resignation, which the elders reluctantly accepted. Months later, after a great deal of internal healing had occurred in my life, I was approached by the Canadian Bishop of the Brethren In Christ- a denomination closely associated with the Mennonites and asked to consider pastoring one of their churches. After thoroughly investigating my life and marriage, including extensive interviews with me, the elders of Heritage, others who knew me, and even my former wife, the Elders Team of The Meeting House (formally known as Upper Oaks Community Church) invited me to be their Senior Pastor. It is at this stage in my life that I offer this paper that I wish I never had to write. I write this for the benefit of those people who want to sincerely understand the biblical teaching on the issue of marriage and divorce and how it relates to the qualification for church leadership with the hope that the clear teaching of Scripture can help dispel many of the Christian "myths surrounding this topic. I write this for the consideration/guidance of those people who may be tempted to follow the comfort and convenience of tradition rather than the counsel of Scripture when it comes to these matters. May God guide all of our understandings. On a personal note one more thing should be said - I am so grateful to God that, in his incredible providence, I was prompted to research and teach on this topic at Heritage long before I ever believed I would have to apply this teaching to my own life. Ironically then, what follows is primarily a review of that pre-affair research. So, while some may want to suggest that I write with vested interest or from an overly biased point of view, I want to be
clear that my opinion on these matters is unchanged from the days before my life became a living application of these principles. Thank you God for working things out as you did. With that said, let's look at the Scripture's teaching on marriage, divorce, remarriage, and pastoral ministry. MARRIAGE Marriage is a covenant relationship that is set up and used by God to, among other things, illustrate his covenant relationship with his people. (The same word for covenant is used to refer to both human and divine marriage in Malachi 2:14 & Ezekiel 16:8. Also see Jeremiah 2:2; Hosea 2:19; Revelation 21:9.) It's interesting that the word "spouse comes from the Latin word sponsus, which meant a person who had promised something; one who had made a contract. Human marriage is a living symbol of our relationship with God. This truth has two meaningful applications: 1) People should be able to learn something about the nature of God s love for them by observing healthy marriage relationships. 2) God's attitudes and actions in his marriage to his covenant people can serve us in many cases as a concrete example of the kind of love we should demonstrate in our human marriages. This is important to grasp as we look for guidance in making decisions regarding our own marital lives. DIVORCE... The first and primary attitude of God toward anything that would disturb, disrupt, or destroy a covenant relationship is hatred, pure and simple (Malachi 2:13-17). God hates divorce, and anyone who hungers to have the heart of God will hate it too. Having established that God hates divorce, this does not mean that divorce is always the wrong decision, only that it is always a sad and terrible thing. Indeed, divorce cannot always be the sinful choice, since God himself initiated his divorce from Israel for reasons of marital unfaithfulness (Isaiah 50:1, Jeremiah 2:2; 3:6-9; 20; Hosea 2:2). So we can say that, while every divorce is a result of sin (someone's sin), not every divorce is sinful. It is as if God is saying, I hate divorce, but there are situations when it is the righteous response to sin." This is much like any parent saying, I hate it when I have to discipline my child, but I know there are times when it is the best thing I can do for them. But what are the biblically sanctioned situations where divorce is an appropriate response to sin? The Bible is repeatedly clear and consistent that adultery (spiritual intimacy with other gods) was the cause of God's divorce to Israel (Ezekiel 23:1-21) and that it is marital unfaithfulness that most seriously damages the covenant of any human marriage (Matthew 5:32; 19:3-9). In fact, in the Old Testament, death by stoning was not an option, but a command of God for the person who would break a marriage covenant. Few people are aware that, at the time of Christ, because stoning was
outlawed by the Romans, divorce was a mandatory, legislated response to an unfaithful spouse. In fact, the Jewish rabbinical law considered it unlawful not to divorce one's wayward spouse, believing that God's word was clear on the matter. (See George Ewald, Jesus And Divorce, page 29-30.) This is why Joseph is said to have intended to divorce Mary (because of her implied sexual unfaithfulness) because he was a righteous man" (Matthew 1:19). If God's heart on this matter has changed, we must ask why Jesus, knowing how his audience of the day believed on this issue, did not correct them but rather seemed to assume the same thing (Matthew 5:32; 19:3-9). This may seem harsh, but we must remember that there is much at stake. Some of you reading this may respond Wow. If that's God's attitude, maybe it's better to stay single." If so, you're in good company - that's exactly how the disciples responded when hearing Christ's teaching (Matthew 19:10). Of course, this does not mean that today we should chastise anyone who reconciles rather than divorces when adultery occurs - in Christ, grace and forgiveness is always the higher option. But it does mean that Jesus sees divorce as an (if not the) appropriate choice when unfaithfulness has invaded a marriage. Some might argue that Christ's teaching in Luke 17:3-4 -which suggests that if the unfaithful partner repents he/she must be forgiven - makes divorce unacceptable once repentance has occurred. However, while genuine forgiveness should at its best lead to reconciliation, it does not always alleviate consequence. This is similar to the murderer who is forgiven by his Christian friends of his crime. While forgiveness has allowed their brother-to-brother relationship to continue, it does not mean that the consequence of prison should be alleviated all together. Likewise, it is conceivable that a situation could occur in which a repentant spouse is forgiven as a brother or sister but still divorced as a wayward spouse. In so doing, both biblical principles are fully followed. Ultimately, though, I must stress that forgiveness shines brightest when it results in full restoration of what was broken. There is also a second allowance for divorce in the New Testament. In fact, it is worded in such a way to be a command. Sometimes called Abandonment", Desertion, or The Pauline Privilege, 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 teaches that if our unbelieving spouse wants a separation and/or divorce we are not to resist them but are required to let the divorce occur. "But what if the spouse who wants out is a Christian?", some might ask. The truth is, the Bible doesn't even conceive that such a situation could exist. In fact, it seems that, if a Christian spouse did want to walk away from their marriage, that person would be disciplined by the church according to such passages as Matthew 18:15-18 & 1 Corinthians 5 and, in the end, would be treated as a pagan and a tax collector. Then, this newly acquired status of pagan would qualify their believing spouse to be obedient to the principles of 1 Corinthians 7:12-16. Make sense? In other words, anyone who willfully walks away from a marriage commitment should not be coerced to stay. In such cases, 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 says we must let them go and pray that God touches their hard hearts.
So, we have seen that marriage is a serious covenant relationship that can only be broken through adultery, abandonment, or of course, death. But what about re-marriage? REMARRIAGE Remarriage is always permitted after the death of a spouse (1 Corinthians 7:8-9, 39), and is sometimes encouraged (as in 1 Timothy 5:14). But what about after a divorce has occurred? The Bible's response to this question is uncluttered, clear, and concise. In the Hebrew culture, as in Greek and Roman society and most of the ancient world, it was assumed that if permission to divorce occurred, permission to remarry was a natural and logical part of the package (see Deuteronomy 24:1-4). The New Bible Dictionary says regarding the practice of divorce: "a contract was given to the wife, and she was then free to remarry." For example, notice the obvious expectation of remarriage in this ancient Bill Of Divorce BILL OF DIVORCE On the day of the week in the month in the year from the beginning of the world, according to the common computation in the province of, I son of of the town of, with entire consent of mind, and without any constraint, have divorced, dismissed and expelled thee daughter of of the town of who has been my wife hitherto; But now I have dismissed thee so as to be free at thy own disposal, to marry whomsoever thou pleasest, without hindrance from anyone from this day forever. Thou art therefore be free. Let this be thy bill of divorce from me, a writing of separation and expulsion, according to the law of Moses and Israel., son of, witness, son of, witness Translated in E.E. Davies, International Standard Bible Encyclopaedia (Grand Rapids; Eerdmans, 1949), vol. II, p. 865. Jesus did not refute this practice but, in fact, assumes it in Matthew 5:32. Paul also supports this point of view in 1 Corinthians 7:27-28. Hence, if the divorce is biblically allowable, then so is the remarriage. Some denominations teach that divorce may be permissible when adultery has occurred although remarriage, they say, is not an option. This is unbiblical. In short, we have no right to forbid what God permits. But what about Hosea?!", people sometimes ask. Isn t his patience with his wife's adultery and refusal to divorce her the normative pattern for all believers today?" Look closely... Hosea was directly commanded by God to go against what he had commanded the rest of Israel to do in situations of infidelity and keep his wife, even when she was repeatedly unfaithful to him. God then used this as a dramatic one-time illustration of God's enduring patience with faithless Israel. We must remember that the same
God who commanded Hosea not to divorce his adulterous wife also commanded all other Hebrews to stone theirs. We must look at the whole picture. And so we have seen that someone whose spouse has been unfaithful and/or has abandoned them (possibly for another romantic/sexual interest) is well within the boundaries of obedience to Scripture to divorce their spouse and remarry. Of course again I must stress, if repentance and forgiveness can join forces to bring about reconciliation in any given situation, this is always our highest calling. One would logically assume that if the spouse of a church leader was unfaithful and this lead to a divorce, this would not necessarily affect their reputation as an obedient follower of Christ or qualified spiritual leader. However, there is a tradition within the Church today that believes it is better to play it safe when it comes to these matters. Hence, those who hold to this tradition do not allow any divorced or remarried people to hold pastoral positions, regardless of the specific circumstances surrounding the breakup of their marriage. Granted, this is certainly the easiest way to deal with the potentially awkward situation of a separated or divorced pastor, but what is the biblical mandate on the matter? QUALIFICATIONS FOR CHURCH LEADERSHIP Now we must ask, what about those in Christian leadership? Is there a higher standard to which they are called if they are to hold the office of elder/overseer/pastor? Today those who believe that a divorced person should not be in pastoral ministry often refer to the qualifications of overseer listed in 1 Timothy 3. There are two issues taken from this chapter that people most stumble over when dealing with someone in a situation like mine. They are: #1) That an overseer must be the husband of one wife (v. 2), and #2) That an overseer must manage his own family well (v. 4). Regarding issue #1 It is a simple matter to consult a long list of commentaries to see that most biblical scholars believe the Greek phrase translated husband of one wife is best understood as meaning a faithful husband. As the New Living Translation puts it, He must be faithful to his wife. Chuck Swindol (and others) has pointed out that the best translation would be, he must be a one-woman man, which is actually the most literal translation of the Greek and, not surprisingly, the only interpretation of this phrase that makes consistent sense. If we were to read this verse as a mandate for marriage, even Paul who authored these words would not qualify since he was not the husband of one wife- he was single. (In fact, as an aside, many scholars believe that Paul himself was divorced or separated since Rabbis, which he had been, were expected to be married men, yet Paul clearly informs us of his current singleness in such passages as 1 Corinthians 7:7. It is not unlikely that, at the time of Paul's dramatic conversion to Christ, his spouse left him, unable to deal with his newfound faith and believing him to be an insane apostate. This is also one of the possible explanations for Paul's thorn in the flesh - 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. But, since this is more speculation than fact, we won't dwell here. And of course, even Jesus himself would not qualify to be
a pastor if we are to believe this verse means a man must be married to be an overseer. So then, a person who has been divorced (and/or remarried) because of the infidelity (or abandonment) of their spouse is not in any sense further away from meeting this biblical standard than a never married person or someone who is happily married for the first time. Regarding issue #2... Some argue that because a husband is personally responsible for everything that goes on in his household, a wife's infidelity is by necessity a reflection on his poor husbandship. Besides being distasteful and demeaning (especially to women), this is simply bad exegesis. First off, we should be reminded that Hosea was not disqualified from his office of Prophet because his wife was unfaithful. Instead God was able to use the prophet's pain as an illustration of his own heart in the matter. Now looking at 1 Timothy 3:4 in context, we see it is the children who are in view when the issue of management is mentioned (and possibly household servants). Let's read the FULL verse: must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity (NASB). A wife is not a child or a servant to be "managed or "controlled, but a partner to be loved, trusted, and mutually submitted to (Ephesians 5:21). While children are being formed by their parents and thus can be considered to be a partial reflection of their parent's managing skills, a wife is an adult, fully responsible for her choices. In fact, to follow this biblical principle, if her behaviour is a reflection of anyone, it would be more a reflection of her parents than her husband. Secondly, while it may very well be the case that an unfaithful woman is married to a man who is a poor husband, the Bible does not see the two traits as being necessarily connected. I ask you, who could be a more perfect husband than Yahweh himself, and yet who's wife has been the most adulterous throughout the centuries? Obviously, it is very possible for a wife to choose adultery for her own reasons rather than because of the imperfections of her husband. In fact, far from necessarily implicating the husband's poor management, this kind of family catastrophe can prove to be an opportunity to observe the husband's hopefully good management in action. For the sign of good and godly management is not a trouble free family, but a consistently biblical and loving response in the face of trouble. DIGGING DEEPER But isn't it true that a lot of pastors become too caught up in Christian ministry to the point of leaving their wife and children with little more than the table scraps of their time and attention? Don't a lot of pastors' wives feel like the church has become the other woman' in their marriage and feel isolated and abandoned?" Yes. Unfortunately, this is sometimes the case. And when this is the case, the pastor/husband should be challenged, reprimanded, even disciplined by church leadership until he learns to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave his life for her (Ephesians 5:25).
However, just because some pastor's wives have affairs and some pastors do not treat their wife well, this does not imply that every time a pastor's wife has an affair it is because her husband has treated her poorly. Many pastors treat their wife poorly and their wife remains faithful, and many pastors treat their wife well and their wife may still have an affair. The point is simply this: Correlation does not necessitate causation. We must examine each case on an individual basis. I'm afraid much of this flawed reasoning comes from our societal tendency to treat women as less than full human beings, especially in sexual matters. I've noticed the sexual double standard in our reasoning on this issue more than almost any other. When a man has an affair we often reason, in short, He's a bum." When a woman has an affair we sometimes tend to reason, I guess her husband must be a bum." The implication is that a man has an affair just because he cannot control his sexual appetites regardless of how wonderful his wife might be, whereas a woman only has an affair because of her husband's poor treatment of her. We rarely allow ourselves to see a woman as a full sexual being, capable of making unwise choices for the same reasons that a man might - because she is being sexually and/or romantically self-indulgent. I'm saddened to say that I have seen this gender biased reasoning in action first-hand many times over the past few years. We would cringe to think of a rape victim being blamed for her own abuse, and yet some find it quite acceptable to blame a husband for the infidelity of his wife. I suppose people are not aware of how often I have overheard or been told of their curt comments on my marital situation such as Well, just another example of a pastor getting too wrapped up in his ministry to notice his wife's needs, huh." Why is this assumed by some to be the most reasonable explanation for a wife's adultery? It ought not be. But isn't that sometimes the case?" Yes, sometimes it is. But sometimes it isn't. This means that each situation must be examined on an individual basis, and this takes time, effort, and commitment - things that many of us are not willing to give. And so, in most cases, it is just easier to pass a regulation banning a divorced person from pastoral ministry rather than being willing to roll up our sleeves and dive in to the situation to bring understanding and healing. CONCLUSION... Over the past years I have been abundantly blessed by the privilege of attending two churches that have made the difficult, and biblical, choice to investigate and evaluate my circumstance as a unique situation worthy of their time and effort. The spiritual leadership teams of both Heritage Baptist and The Meeting House (formerly Upper Oaks Community Church) have made the tough decision to choose Scripture over tradition and have, in the end, been used by God to help salvage my life and ministry from my own tendency to back down when challenged and run away when misunderstood. I hope this paper has helped you to understand our shared perspective. Thanks to God for his mercy and grace. Bruxy Cavey, Teaching Pastor, The Meeting House