CONFLICT AND RESOLUTION IN THE COVENANTAL MARRIAGE 1

CONFLICT AND RESOLUTION IN THE COVENANTAL MARRIAGE 1 Conflict and Resolution in the Covenantal Marriage: The Effects of Unresolved Conflict on Marital Satisfaction and Methods of Resolution Jonathan Esterman Liberty University

CONFLICT AND RESOLUTION IN THE COVENANTAL MARRIAGE 2 Copyright 2012, Jonathan Esterman. All rights reserved. No portion of this article may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means - electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or other - except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Published by Scripted Genius. Visit us online at scriptedgenius.com.

CONFLICT AND RESOLUTION IN THE COVENANTAL MARRIAGE 3 Abstract! 4 Purpose-Driven Marriage! 5 Contract Marriage! 6 Covenant Marriage! 6 The Sin of Selfishness! 8 Unresolved Conflict Destroys Lives! 9 Overcoming Selfishness! 9 Filling the Love Tank! 10 Concluding Statement! 10 References! 12

CONFLICT AND RESOLUTION IN THE COVENANTAL MARRIAGE 4 Abstract The covenantal marriage is no longer practiced today. Traded for a contract-based marriage, divorce rates have hit record highs and destroyed families. This essay examines what a contract marriage is, and how it doesn t belong in marriage. It then looks at a covenantal marriage and how it fits as the marriage model for all couples, not just Christian couples (since covenant is a biblical term). Having assigned what a covenantal marriage is, this essay then determines what selfish lover behavior is, and how this, paired with unresolved conflict, can destroy even the most covenantal of marriages. Having factored the issues of selfishness and pride as the destroyers, it is then determined what can be done in marriage to foster servanthood and humility. With the solutions determined on how to save a marriage at any level, it is concluded that the relationship must be anchored in Christ first and foremost, as it is only through Him that all things are possible (Philippians 4:13). Finding the anchor in Christ allow the couple to reconcile and learn to forgive more and love more.

CONFLICT AND RESOLUTION IN THE COVENANTAL MARRIAGE 5 Conflict and Resolution in the Covenantal Marriage: The Effects of Unresolved Conflict on Marital Satisfaction and Methods of Resolution Falling in love is euphoric. A combination of matchmaking, hormones, endorphins, and the Creator, first love is the perfect moment to create a relationship. First love, while it wears off within the first few years, is provided by G-d to help a couple ignore their inhibitions and get to know the other partner while the guard is down. First love brings a couple together, but it doesn t keep them together. First love, unfortunately, is what most couples rely on to get through all of marriage. Perhaps that is why the divorce rate sits at over 50% for marriages under six years old (Bierman, 2008, p. 96). Purpose-Driven Marriage Is this what marriage is supposed to be, or is there a greater purpose? Is it possible to have a marriage like those found in Scripture, lasting until death do us part? Many theologians seem to agree, despite the trend that continues to engulf the marriage world - including marriages among believers. So what could be causing the issue? The evidence shows that believing marriage is eternal isn t enough. How does one practice it? What causes marriages to dissolve? First love, as mentioned above, is not enough to get through marriage by. First love fades away, intentionally, forcing the couple to know one another, regularly, both sexually and intellectually. A relationship is formed on many levels in this regard, and it is by maintaining these levels that fidelity and commitment can be maintained. Nevertheless, before these core issues are reviewed, a deeper issue of worldview must be addressed: defining marriage.

CONFLICT AND RESOLUTION IN THE COVENANTAL MARRIAGE 6 Contract Marriage Most couples today embrace a contract marriage mentality (Chapman, 2003, p. 6). This mentality is much like a business contract: both parties sign an agreement of their behaviors, what they will deliver, and their expectations. The contract holds the parties to the agreement. However, no contract is eternally binding, they all can be broken. As a result, a contract marriage will often be broken as well, ending in divorce, either from fault of one party (lack of fidelity) or irreconcilable differences (not irreconcilable, but coined such to annul any agreement) (Chapman, 2003, p. 7). Marriage is not intended to be a simple contract. G-d designed it to be a deeper, more full, relationship. Marriage, for Christians, and really for everyone, is designed to be a covenant. A contract states that party A only has to uphold their end of the agreement if party B does X, Y, and Z. A covenant holds a higher standard (Chapman, 2003, p. 7). Contract marriages are designed to be temporary, fulfilling the need at that time. They only exist for a limited period. Contract marriages are aimed as specific actions. They expect certain things to happen in order for the contract to be met and maintained. Contract marriages have an if, then attitude. If occurs only if then follows. Contract marriages are selfish and focus on what each party wants out of the contract. Contract marriages may not be obvious at first sight. Sometimes a contract marriage is unspoken and implicit. (Chapman, 2003, p. 8-10). Again, most marriages today are contract marriages. Covenant Marriage Covenant marriages are very different in operation. The term covenant marriage specifically refers to G-d, as a biblical term (Chapman, 2003, p. 11), being the marriage that G-d

CONFLICT AND RESOLUTION IN THE COVENANTAL MARRIAGE 7 puts together, and as Scripture advises, let not man put asunder. (Matthew 19:6, King James Version). A covenant is essentially a contract that cannot be broken by either party. If party A fails to meet the expectations, party B upholds the part party B is responsible for (Chapman, 2002, p. 11). Covenant marriages are initiated not as a selfish intent, but for the benefit of the other party. Covenant marriages involve unconditional promises. Covenant marriages are based and operate off covenant love, not first love. Covenant marriages treat commitments as permanent. Covenant marriages necessitate confrontation in conflict and reconciliation through forgiveness. (Chapman, 2003, p. 12-24). Covenant marriage thus being defined, it would seem that in its very nature, covenant marriages would not result in divorce. So, where s the disconnect? It is determined that covenant marriage does not have divorce. So instead of attempting to find issues in covenant marriage, instead it needs to be explored on how to transform a contract marriage into a covenant marriage. Chapman s fifth point about covenant marriage, mentioned above, involves dealing with conflict and forgiveness. This crucial and determining element will be reviewed shortly. There seems to be a few primary differences between contract marriage and covenant marriage, being selfish versus servant, and ignoring conflict versus attending to it. So what is it that causes marital death? Can it simply be selfish behaviors and aversion to conflict? According to Driscoll and Driscoll (2012), [i]f you are married, you will have conflict. You cannot avoid it because marriage is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. 1 sinner + 1 sinner 0 conflict (loc. 1995). They further assert that [y]ou will sin against your spouse, and your spouse will sin against you. Couples who claim to never fight are either lying or living

CONFLICT AND RESOLUTION IN THE COVENANTAL MARRIAGE 8 completely...independent...lives (loc. 1995). Conflict is unavoidable, then. How does being selfish impasse a marriage? The Sin of Selfishness Selfishness is not a new concept. Two sinful people becoming one doubles the sin and conflict, but why? People are raised to be selfish. Parents actually start the cycle in childhood, with coddling their children. Centering the parent s life around the child teaches selfishness (Driscoll and Driscoll, 2012, loc. 3417). With everyone growing up this way, it is no wonder that selfishness exists in marriage. How long does it take to overcome the selfish training? In marriage, selfishness usually begins to weed itself out around years nine to fourteen, and by year thirty-five, it is mostly gone. (Driscoll and Driscoll, 2012, loc. 3426). If over 50% of marriages end before year seven, and selfishness isn t addressed until year nine at the earliest, that is a severe problem. Selfishness stands in the way of frequent sex. Being too tired, uncomfortable, or not in the mood are all selfish motivations to prevent intercourse. G-d designed intercourse to bind a couple together. Overt selfish actions in marriage include: (i) denial of regular sexual intercourse, (ii) being too quick or non-intimate with sex, (iii) only having sex when in the mood, (iv) never initiating sex, (v) intentionally appearing undesirable by failure to groom, (vi) fight right before bed, (vii) make the spouse earn sex, (viii) share bed with children and pets, and (ix) have separate beds. (Driscoll and Driscoll, 2012, loc. 3559-3599). Why is this important? Making love is part of keeping love alive in the marriage. Selfish actions inhibit love, as seen by these seemingly-innocuous actions. But what about conflict?

CONFLICT AND RESOLUTION IN THE COVENANTAL MARRIAGE 9 Unresolved Conflict Destroys Lives Unresolved conflict will destroy a marriage. Conflict begins small, and conflict can be either beneficial or harmful. How conflict is initiated will decide war or peace. (Driscoll and Driscoll, 2012, loc. 2014). Gottman and Silver (1999) have determined four horsemen of the marital death, being: criticism (not a complaint addressing a problem, but attacking the person), contempt (showing disgust for the spouse), defensiveness (refusal to apologize or back down), and stonewalling (give up on one life and pursue two parallel lives). (p. 6-47). Including these four horsemen in marriage is damaging. According to Driscoll and Driscoll (2012), allowing these horsemen to take up residence in marriage will result, statistically speaking, in divorce. (loc. 2030). When it narrows down, the unresolved conflict and selfish behavior stems out of sin - the problem of the flesh. So, in addition to having an active relationship with G-d and heavy prayer, what can a couple do to establish a covenantal marriage and eradicate these sin issues from their marriages? Overcoming Selfishness There is a lot that can be done. Repentance. Swallowing pride. Apologizing. Forgiving. Professional counseling with intent of reconciliation. No matter what level of damage has been done to the marriage, it is never to the point of irreconcilable differences. It just takes Christ to accomplish it (Philippians 4:13). Sexually, there are reasons that we love selfishly. Sometimes it is because of illness or pregnancy. Those difficult seasons will pass. If it is because of secret sin, then the sin needs to be confessed. Any past harm incurred from being sinned against takes time to heal from, and may require professional counseling as well. It is not wise to ignore the healing process, however long

CONFLICT AND RESOLUTION IN THE COVENANTAL MARRIAGE 10 and difficult it may be. Gossip is an issue as well - it cuts down the other spouse and removes trust from the relationship. If a confidant is needed, both spouses should work together to establish individuals, that specifically are not family and not of the opposite sex. If fatigue is preventing intimacy, save energy or see a doctor about the fatigue. Sometimes couples need to learn to get better at their craft. Insecurities or lack of confidence can stand in the way. Dressing for the occasion can help. Having a wrong perspective of the body can cause issues as well - it s a sexual body, not a medical one. Perhaps years of having sex the same way is too boring. What about trying new positions? (Driscoll and Driscoll, 2012, loc. 3599-3656). Sexually, there are many ways to overcome selfishness. Filling the Love Tank Another strong method to overcome selfishness is by learning the other partner s love language. Chapman (2010) believes that everyone has an emotional love tank. When it is full, partners can give love freely. When it is empty, they don t have love to give out. (p. 23). If a spouse can ditch the selfish lover behavior for a servant lover behavior sexually, then they most certainly can do this emotionally as well. By learning the love language of partner B, partner A can speak, act, and behave in a manner that partner B is more receptive to. Then filling partner B s love tank, partner B can then return the favor to partner A, and create an environment of love, not hostility. These love languages are (i) words of affirmation, (ii) quality time, (iii) receiving gifts, (iv) acts of service, and (v) physical touch. (Chapman, 2010, p. 123). Concluding Statement Every marriage is save-able. Every marriage can have hope. Every marriage, though, needs to have G-d at the forefront, partnership at the helm, and dedication at the rear, in order to

CONFLICT AND RESOLUTION IN THE COVENANTAL MARRIAGE 11 be a covenantal marriage. It is only by understanding the covenants of Scripture, and know the person of Christ, that we can understand and practice covenantal living. By being a servant lover instead of selfish lover, and pursuing conflict and friends, not enemies, spouses can deflect shots that would destroy their marriage, and instead build it. Fostering love and respect, as each partner needs to fulfill their love quota (Eggerichs, 2004, loc. 54), partners can then not just build up their emotional love tanks, but overfill them. Conflict and resolution in the covenantal marriage is simpler than run-high emotions make it seem. Forgive, and love. That s really all it is to resolve conflict and make more love in the marriage.

CONFLICT AND RESOLUTION IN THE COVENANTAL MARRIAGE 12 References Bierman, J. (2008). The possibility of divorce: Stacking the odds to prevent it. Of Sound Mind to Marry: A Reality Check from the Marriage Counselor for Pre-Weds. (p. 96-103). Westport: Praeger Publishers. Chapman, G. D. (2003). Contract marriages. Covenant Marriage. (p. 6-10). Nashville: B & H Publishing Group. Chapman, G. D. (2003). Covenant marriages. Covenant Marriage. (p. 11-24). Nashville: B & H Publishing Group. Chapman, G. D. (2010). Discovering your primary love language. The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. (p. 123-132). Chicago: Northfield Publishing. Chapman, G. D. (2010). Keeping the love tank full. The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. (p. 19-26). Chicago: Northfield Publishing. Driscoll, M. & Driscoll, G. (2012). Selfish lovers and servant lovers. Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together. (loc. 3366-xx). Kindle Edition. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers. Driscoll, M. & Driscoll, G. (2012). Taking out the trash. Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together. (loc. 1995-2324). Kindle Edition. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers. Eggerichs, E. (2004). Introduction: Love is not enough. Love and Respect. (loc. 53-90). Kindle Edition. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers. Gottman, J. And Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. (p. 6-47). New York: Three Rivers Press.