Preface to the Fifth Edition... i. Introduction: Long Hours, No Pay, Excellent Benefits... 1

Transcription

1 Contents Preface to the Fifth Edition.... i Introduction: Long Hours, No Pay, Excellent Benefits... 1 PART I: THINKING STRAIGHT 1. Orientation to The Parenting Profession Your Three Parenting Jobs The Little Adult Assumption The Two Biggest Discipline Mistakes PART II: CONTROLLING OBNOXIOUS BEHAVIOR (Job #1) 5. Counting: Simple But Not Easy! Frequently Asked Questions Out in Public Real-Life Story #1: The Case of the Temper Tantrum Terrorist Sibling Rivalry, Tantrums, Pouting and Lying Real-Life Story #2: The Incredible Case of the Traveling Troublemakers The Kickoff Conversation

2 PART III: MANAGING KIDS TESTING AND MANIPULATION 10. The Six Types of Testing and Manipulation Tales From the Trenches PART IV: ENCOURAGING GOOD BEHAVIOR (Job #2) 12. Establishing Positive Routines Up and Out in the Morning Cleaning Up and Chores Suppertime Homework Going to Bed And Staying There! Real-Life Story #3: The Case of Bedlam at Bedtime The Dirty Dozen: Faulty Parental Expectations PART V: STRENGTHENING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILDREN (Job #3) 19. Sympathetic Listening Real-Life Story #4: The Case of the Fickle Friends Overparenting Real Magic: One-on-One Fun Solving Problems Together PART VI: ENJOYING YOUR NEW FAMILY LIFE 23. Staying on the Wagon Your New Life

3 Preface to the Fifth Edition Magic is a simple, precise and effective way of managing gently and firmly the behavior of children in approximately the two-to-twelve-year-old age range. It is not magic. The reason for our unusual title is that so many parents, teachers and other child caretakers have said, It works like magic! Magic certainly does work if you do it correctly, which means following a few basic rules. The is what you might call a parents-in-charge strategy, but no arguing, yelling or spanking is allowed. Raising kids is unexpectedly hard, and it really, really helps to know what you re doing. If you are raising young children, Magic might be your ticket to effective and enjoyable parenting for several reasons: 1. The book has sold over 1,500,000 copies Magic has been translated into 22 languages. 3. Over the last several years, Magic has consistently been the #1 child discipline book on Amazon.com. 4. The program is dad-friendly. 5. It s evidence-based that means it works. i

4 ii MAGIC For Best Results This Fifth Edition of Magic describes straightforward methods for managing the behavior of children from the ages of approximately two to twelve, whether they re average or special needs kids. You can actually start at about 18 months with a typically developing youngster. To get the best results, keep in mind the following: 1. The strategies should be used exactly as they are described here, especially with regard to the No-Talking and No-Emotion Rules. 2. If both parents are living at home, ideally both adults should use the program. If one parent refuses to use Magic, however, the other parent can still use it on his or her own (while hoping, of course, Quik Tip If you are parenting on your own, you are very likely to feel overloaded, and you don t have a lot of time to spend learning discipline programs. Also because you re by yourself, you cannot afford to be inefficient when it comes to managing your children. You only have so much energy! that their partner or spouse is doing something reasonable with the kids). 3. Single, separated and divorced parents can use our methods effectively by themselves. It is preferable if all parents even if they are in different locations are using the same program, but that isn t always possible. In fact, single parents greatly benefit from a simple and effective system like the If you are parenting on your own, you are very likely to feel overloaded, and you don t have a lot of time to spend learning discipline programs. Also, because you re by yourself, you cannot afford to be inefficient when it comes to managing your children. You only have so much energy! 4. Grandparents, babysitters and other caregivers have also found the very helpful in managing young children. Actually, many grandparents first discovered Magic on their own and then shared it with their children. In addition, we hear more and more these days that grandparents are raising their grandchildren themselves, and these adults often find Magic to be a lifesaver. 5. Make sure your kids are in good physical health. It is a well-known fact that illness, allergies and physical pain can aggravate both

5 PREFACE iii behavioral and emotional problems in children. Regular physical exams for the kids are of critical importance. It s also important to know and respect your children s natural daily rhythms regarding food, sleep and bathroom. A child who missed a nap, who feels hungry or who has to go to the bathroom can be much more challenging. Psychological Evaluation and Counseling When in the process of using Magic, is it necessary to get a mental health professional involved? Psychological evaluation and counseling are indicated before using Magic if any child has a history of excessive separation anxiety, physical violence or extremely self-punitive behavior. These children can be very difficult to manage during the initial testing period when they are still adjusting to the new discipline. If your family is currently in counseling, this program should be discussed with the counselor before you use it. If your counselor is not familiar with Magic, take a copy of the book, DVD or audio CD for him or her to become familiar with. Psychological evaluation and counseling are indicated after using Magic if: 1. Marital instability or conflict are interfering with the effective use of the methods Magic is normally an excellent way to get Mom and Dad on the same page in dealing with the kids. Sometimes just a few counseling sessions can help right the ship. 2. One or both parents are incapable of following the No-Talking and No-Emotion Rules (see Chapter 4). Life stressors, as well as problems such as anxiety and depression, can make it hard for some parents to calm down enough to effectively use Magic. Drug and alcohol use can also make moms and dads volatile, obnoxious and ineffective. 3. Behavior problems, as well as testing and manipulation by the child, are continuing at too high a level for more than three weeks after starting the program. Your child was hard to manage before Magic. Now he s better, but you still feel managing him is too much of a grind. Check it out with a professional.

6 iv MAGIC 4. Trust your instincts. Here s a good rule of thumb: If you have been worrying about a particular problem in your child for more than six months, that s too long. See a mental health professional and find out if there is, in fact, something wrong. If there is, try to fix it or learn how to manage it. If there s nothing wrong, stop worrying. Serious psychological and behavioral problems in young children frequently include persistent difficulties with the following: Paying attention or sitting still Language development, social interaction, and restricted interests Negative, hostile and defiant behavior Excessive worrying or unusual anxiety about separation Loss of interest in fun activities and irritability Excessive verbal and physical aggression Disregard for age-appropriate norms and rules Unexpected learning difficulties What s New in the Fifth Edition The chapters, More Serious Offenses in Tweens and Kids, Tweens and Tech, have been removed and are now offered free on our website. The topic of Lying has been moved to Chapter 8. Four new stories based on real-life experiences have been added to illustrate the issues of counting obnoxious behavior, sibling rivalry, getting the kids to bed, and sympathetic listening. A totally new chapter, The Dirty Dozen: Faulty Parental Expectations, has been added to explain the critical issue of when parents can realistically expect certain behaviors from their children.

7 I must admit, I don t like to think about our life before Magic. Our home was run by a five-year-old. If our son, Zach, didn t get his way, he resorted to kicking, screaming or crying. We spent so much time making sure Zach was happy that we remained miserable. Going to the store required both parents, eating out was an exercise in futility, and neighborhood barbeques were politely declined. One night we took a chance and went to a local restaurant 70

8 CROSS YOUR FINGERS! MAYBEE THIS IS A BAD IDEA. AMAZING... HE H ATE ALL HIS DINNER! AND HE S BEHAVING! Maybe tonight would be our lucky night! The waitress returned. Zach ordered chocolate cake. ANYONE FOR DESSERT? STACEY As soon as the waitress left, though, he changed his mind. NO. I WANT APPLE PIE! UH OH. ZACH, THE WAITRESS IS GONE. IT S TOO LATE TO CHANGE YOUR MIND. 71

9 18 The Dirty Dozen: Faulty Parental Expectations 1 Two-year-olds don t read novels. At this point we ve covered both Stop and Start behavior, but there is another underlying issue here. When can you realistically expect (at what ages?) kids to potty train, clean their rooms, sit still or finish their dinner? Lots and lots of parent/child conflict is caused not by kids misbehaving, but by parents not knowing exactly when they can expect what from their children. In other words, we parents often get impatient and expect too much too soon. When erroneous expectations are operating in a parent s brain, trouble follows. Your kids are little. Both their bodies AND their brains are still growing. While your child is doing anything, his brain is working to create tons of new learning pathways and it is processing three times harder than an adult s. Ages birth to five are the times when the greatest amount of this new learning and brain connecting takes place. So it s important to be realistic and not set yourself and your kids up for conflict. The following is a list of our Dirty Dozen the twelve Mistaken Parental Hopes that cause the most trouble. Be fair to yourself 1 The Dirty Dozen: Faulty Parental Expectations was coauthored by Dr. Sarah Levin Allen, Pediatric Neuropsychologist, Philadelphia, PA. 191

10 MAGIC and your kids by memorizing these developmental milestones. There are plenty more. Two-year-olds don t read novels! 1. Tantrums Erroneous Expectation: Parents see kids tantrums as unjustified, unnecessary, mean, exaggerated and a sure sign of mental disorder. The Reality: 20 percent of two- to three-year-olds have daily tantrums, and meltdowns are equally common in boys and girls. Tantrums occur frequently in normal children aged about 18 months through five years. Meltdowns are a way kids express their frustration with not getting what they want or with being told to do something they don t want to do. Kids are more prone to meltdowns when frustrated, tired, or sick. What to Do: If your child has made a request for a thing or an activity, be aware that you may soon be dealing with a tantrum. Give them what they want if you can, but if you can t, finalize your veto quickly and STOP TALKING! Talking to a tantruming youngster is like pouring gasoline on a fire. If the child is safe, let the meltdown take its course and do not interact. Be gentle, forget the episode, and go on with your life! 2. They don t listen! Erroneous Expectation: Parents expect kids to listen and respond the first time a parent makes a request. The Reality: This is a very broad category! Kids of all ages have trouble hearing and reacting to parental requests. Their minds are legitimately busy with other things. The younger kids are, the more difficulty they have tuning out the other things in their head and focusing on your agenda! What to Do: Parents make two kinds of requests of their children, one for Stop behavior and one for Start behavior. Use your Start behavior tactics to set up routines. These strategies help stop the noise inside the kids heads and help them to begin the requested behavior. Stop behavior also requires a brain re-booting of sorts. For obnoxious behavior, Magic suggests counting.