Stress and Your Middle School Child

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1 Stress and Your Middle School Child Overview Understanding and limiting stress in your middle school child s life. Understanding stress in early adolescence Signs of stress and finding help When stress is more serious Helping your child handle stress Avoiding an overloaded schedule In middle school, children s lives often become much more pressured. Schoolwork gets harder, teachers assign more homework, social activities become more important, and children are expected to take on a greater number of independent responsibilities. This article offers ways to keep these changes from adding unnecessary stress to your child s life. It will also help you teach your child practical skills to manage stress in middle school and beyond. Understanding stress in early adolescence During the middle school years, children s lives are filled with change. Their bodies are changing. Their friendships are changing. And their relationship to you is changing as they begin to separate and form their own identities. These shifts may cause children to feel confused and anxious at times. These are normal reactions to the developmental changes and challenges that middle school brings. Many children this age worry about some or all of the following: fitting in having friends adjusting to a new school doing well in school taking on too many activities making mistakes feeling different adjusting to puberty and physical changes Most children learn to handle these worries and concerns as they mature throughout middle school and high school. Signs of stress and finding help Parents of children in middle school face the challenge of understanding the difference between signs of normal worry and signs that may indicate that a child is under too much stress. Stress can affect social relationships, schoolwork, and a child s happiness and emotional well-being

2 2 Stress and Your Middle School Child Children who feel stressed show many of the same signs that adults do. The signs of stress in children include: headaches stomachaches overeating or skipping meals having trouble falling asleep or sleeping too much a drop in school performance irritability, mood swings, or complaining a lot angry or aggressive behavior avoiding friends or withdrawing socially spending hours a day online, watching TV, or playing video games If your child shows one or more of these signs, he may be under a lot stress or dealing with something at school or elsewhere that is making him anxious. Talk with your child to find out what s going on. Then if you still have concerns, talk with the school psychologist or school counselor, or call your pediatrician for advice. When stress is more serious Difficulties at home or at school and traumatic experiences can lead to more serious or chronic stress. Such stress may be caused by: parents going through a divorce a death or illness in the family unemployment or a financial crisis in the family bullying or teasing at school abuse or neglect children assuming too many adult responsibilities at a young age being in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship If your child shows one or more of the following signs, it s important to seek professional help right away: signs of depression -- a change in appetite, sleep problems, trouble getting along with others, feelings of sadness, problems with schoolwork, crying more than usual, or social isolation alcohol or substance abuse

3 3 Stress and Your Middle School Child skipping school fear of going to school signs of an eating disorder -- excessive weight loss, avoiding situations involving food, loss of menstrual cycle in girls, excessive exercise, or extreme concern with body weight and shape breaking the law running away Helping your child handle stress There are a number of things you can do to help reduce stress in your child s life and help your child learn to handle pressure. Build routines into your family life. Everyday routines are comfort zones for children because stress often results from uncertainty about what will happen next. Routine can serve as a buffer against stress. As much as possible, have regular times for eating, sleeping, homework, and other things your child needs to do every day. Look at the sources of stress in your child s life and change the things you can change. For example, maybe your child has trouble with transitions or pressure. Maybe she shows signs of stress at the beginning of the school year or just before big tests. Do what you can to be more available during these times. Try to simplify your family life so that you can focus on your child s needs. Talk about school and school worries. Ask open-ended questions about all the different parts of your child s school day to find out how the adjustment to middle school is going: Tell me about the walk or bus ride to school. How do you spend your recess or break time? Do you enjoy lunchtime? Tell me about your teachers and the ones you particularly enjoy. How do the kids in the upper grades get along with those in the lower grades? Do they get along? What s hard about school? Acknowledge your child s concerns and fears. Things that seem small to adults can seem big and worrying to children. Let your child know that you take her concerns seriously. You might say, You seem really worried about tomorrow s math test. I used to worry about them when I was your age, too or I know you miss your old friends from last year. It s hard when things change. Encourage your child to get plenty of exercise. Physical activity is a great stress reducer. Remember that exercise doesn t have to mean organized team sports. Bike riding, swimming, and spending time outdoors are all good ways to relieve tension as well as stay healthy and fit. Make sure your child eats well and gets enough sleep. The American Academy of Pediatrics ( recommends that children in middle school get 9 to 11 hours of sleep each night. Try to make sure your child eats a nutritious diet, and limit

4 4 Stress and Your Middle School Child sweets and sodas. Feeling healthy and rested helps children withstand everyday stress. Avoid setting expectations that are too high for your child. Stress is often a result of parents placing expectations that are too high on their children. Focus on the positive traits that make your child who he is, and not on what you wish he would be. Help your child organize her time and schoolwork. Work with your child to come up with a way to keep track of assignments and understand how much needs to be done every day. That way she won t feel so stressed the night before a big project is due. Teach your child to solve problems. Children need to know that even large problems can usually be solved with some thought and creativity. One way to show your child how to do this is to think aloud when you have to solve a problem. Adolescents are learning to predict consequences and outcomes, and frequently showing your child, step by step, how you identify and handle problems can help your child develop problem-solving skills. Encourage your child to write about worries and stressful feelings in a journal. Writing is often a good way to manage and let go of stress. Your child also might be able to ease feelings of stress by painting, drawing, taking a pottery class, or playing a musical instrument, as long as these are of your child s choosing. Increase the number of trusted adults in your child s life. Help your child find support from teachers, mentors, relatives, and other adults in your community. Research shows that the more adult connections a child has, the greater the likelihood of moving through adolescence smoothly. Model good ways of handling stress. Talk about how you handle stressful situations. Show your child the positive ways you relax and relieve stress -- whether it s through physical activity, listening to music, taking a hot bath or shower, or reading for pleasure. Encourage your child to find good resources on dealing with stress. Ask a librarian to help you find books that show children dealing with stress in positive ways. Or encourage your child to visit the award-winning, child-friendly website KidsHealth ( Depending on the age of your child, search the For Kids or For Teens section of the site for the word stress to find articles such as Five Steps for Fighting Stress. When you are under stress, let your child know that he is not the cause. If you are under unusual stress because of problems at home or at work, make sure your child knows that he is not the problem. You can say something like, I m feeling grouchy and tired because I have so much to do this week. It s not your fault. Things will get better soon. Take time each day to relax together. Sit and listen to one of your child s favorite CDs with her. Or enjoy a favorite activity together, for example, renting a movie,

5 5 Stress and Your Middle School Child going for a bike ride, or taking a swim. If your child enjoys cooking, making dinner together can be a fun and relaxing way for both of you to unwind. Slow down. Many adults lead rushed and hurried lives. Think of how often you hear yourself say, Hurry! We re late! All of this hurry can have an effect on children, making them feel as frazzled as adults do. Make a conscious effort to try to slow down when you are with your child. Avoiding an overloaded schedule Too many scheduled activities can make children feel tired and stressed, especially as they are adjusting to new pressures at school. Here are some ways to avoid an overloaded schedule: Remember that your child needs down time. Make sure there s time in your child s schedule every day for rest. Listening to music and spending unstructured time alone or with friends are great ways to relax. Your child also needs time to unwind after getting home from school each day. Look for an after-school program that offers unstructured play and activities. Try to find one that offers opportunities for supervised but unstructured play, such as playing outside or in a gym, playing board games, cooking, reading, and other activities. Go over your child s schedule together. Talk about which activities your child enjoys most and which are important. Try to have this discussion before your child s schedule gets too crowded. It s never too late to talk with your child about the many kinds of goals: social, academic, recreational, family, and health and fitness. If your child feels pressured or pulled in too many directions, it s time to prioritize and discuss with your child which activities could be dropped. Most of the stress middle school children feel is normal developmental stress that passes with time. You can help your child by being aware of the signs of stress and offering extra love and support during especially busy and challenging times. The development of this publication was funded in part by the IBM Global Work/Life Fund. Reviewed October 2014 by Mary Beth Klotz, PhD. Dr. Klotz is a Nationally Certified School Psychologist (NCSP) and works for the National Association of School Psychologists (NASP) as the director of educational practice. Previously, Dr. Klotz taught and worked for 15 years in a variety of public school settings as a school psychologist and special education teacher. Ceridian HCM, Inc. All rights reserved. 1214