Different Styles of Grieving

Transcription

1 Different Styles of Grieving By Michael Lombardo, D.Min. Recent research has examined the ways men and women grieve differently. Books such as When Men Grieve: Why Men Grieve Differently and How You Can Help by Elizabeth Levang portray a clear distinction between the ways men grieve in comparison with women. Another book that makes the same distinction is Tom Golden and James Miller s book, When a Man Faces Grief. While endorsing the need to let individuals grieve the way they need to grieve, 1 Golden and Miller speak of the more commonly accepted feminine mode of grieving versus the masculine style of grieving. 2 They argue that, it would be a mistake to say that all men heal in one way and all women another.... The truth is that we use both sides.... It is how we blend the masculine and feminine sides that makes us unique. 3 Tom Golden s revised edition of Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing speaks to the gender differences but leaves room for gender crossover in styles of grieving. While attributing action-oriented grieving primarily to men, Golden says that, some women use action-oriented healing as well. 4 Golden goes on to say that one of the dangers is that we will lump all men into one pile and all women into another. This is obviously not helpful nor is it accurate. The fact is that we are all unique in our chosen path toward healing, and finding our individual process is a sign 1 Thomas R. Golden and James E. Miller, When a Man Faces Grief (Fort Wayne, IN: Willowgreen Publishing, 1998), 5. 2 Ibid. 3 Ibid., 6. 4 Thomas R. Golden, Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing,

2 of maturity. There are probably more similarities in the way we process grief than there are differences, but there are some significant differences. 5 Terry Martin and Kenneth Doka take this whole study an important step further in their research regarding two distinct styles of grieving. Their original intention was to look more in depth into the differences between men and women and their grief. 6 In the course of their research, Martin and Doka realized that there were indeed two different styles of grieving. But they contended that these two styles could not be categorized as male and female or even masculine and feminine. As a result of their research, they chose to use the terms instrumental grieving and intuitive grieving to describe what they saw. 7 They say that we all have both masculine and feminine within; it is our unique balance that makes each of us different. Usually (and I emphasize the usually), men have more of the masculine side and less of the feminine, while for women it tends to be the opposite. But most of us also use both sides of our nature. 8 This use of terminology could prove to be offensive and so the new use of terms as derived by Martin and Doka I find more comfortable. Martin and Doka describe the two styles of grieving in this way: Instrumental grievers tend to have tempered affect to a loss. While intuitive grievers are more likely to experience their grief as waves of affect, instrumental grievers are more likely to describe it in physical or cognitive terms. While intuitive grievers often need to express their feelings and seek the support of others, instrumental grievers are more likely to cognitively process or immerse themselves in activity. 9 5 Ibid., Terry L. Martin and Kenneth J. Doka, Men Don't Cry-Women Do: Transcending Gender Stereotypes of Grief, Series in Death, Dying, and Bereavement (Philadelphia, PA: Brunner/Mazel, 2000), 4. 7 Ibid., 5. 8 Golden, Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing, Martin and Doka, 5.

3 Though men may be predominantly in the instrumental camp and women in the intuitive camp, there are significant percentages of crossover between genders. There are significant numbers of blended grievers who experience both styles in their grief process. 10 When people are characterized as instrumental grievers, this is not to say that they do not experience feelings. 11 Intuitive grievers are not devoid of cognitive processing and process through activity. The two differing styles are meant to describe one s dominant style of grieving. The entire spectrum of grieving styles is on a continuum with intuitive on one end and instrumental on the other. No one is totally intuitive or totally instrumental in their approach to grieving. What Golden, Miller, Doka, Martin, and others have contributed through their approach to grief is to help validate those who have hitherto been made to feel that they were poor grievers. So much of clinical psychological work has been tilted toward the affective oriented approach, but research is indicating that this is not the best way for everyone. 12 People need to be allowed to grieve in the way that fits best for them and know that their style of grief is just as effective and healthy. 13 There is debate as to how much society and cultural expectations affect one s grieving style. Regardless, there are those who do not fit into the norm and can feel invalidated in their style of expressing grief. Perhaps the most disenfranchised individual 10 Ibid., Ibid., David Meagher and Terry Martin, Gender Influences on Grieving Styles, 2003, (January 19, 2004). 13 Christopher Hall, Grief and Bereavement Better Health Channel, 2000, (January 19, 2004).

4 would be the female instrumental griever. While society is becoming more accepting of men who show an intuitive approach to grieving, women who do not show emotions at times of loss and demonstrate a more instrumental approach to grieving are generally rejected. 14 One of the benefits to understanding that there are distinctive styles of grieving is that, when working with individuals in grief, the coping strategies can be adapted to the grieving style. For those who are intuitive in their grieving, it would be more beneficial to facilitate a strong expression of feelings, allowing the person time to ventilate. This person will benefit more from support networks. On the other hand, an instrumental griever would generally not benefit from being asked, How do you feel? What works better is to ask the instrumental griever, What were your reactions? What kinds of things were you thinking about at the time of your loss? Or, What kinds of things did you do immediately after the death of your loved one? 15 Instrumental grievers generally will have a need to know and act on their own strengths in times of crisis. They will link their action to their pain and be more future oriented and independent minded. Intuitive grievers on the other hand will gain benefit from a community of support and will need to verbally share their pain openly Meagher and Martin, Gender Influences on Grieving Styles. 15 Ibid. 16 Golden, Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing, 129.

5 Bibliography Golden, Thomas R. Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing. Kensington, MD: Golden Healing Pub., Golden, Thomas R., and James E. Miller. A Man You Know Is Grieving. Fort Wayne, IN: Willowgreen Publishing, When a Man Faces Grief. Fort Wayne, IN: Willowgreen Publishing, Hall, Christopher. Grief and Bereavement. Better Health Channel, Sep2000 (January 19, 2004). Martin, Terry L., and Kenneth J. Doka. Men Don't Cry--Women Do: Transcending Gender Stereotypes of Grief. Philadelphia, PA: Brunner/Mazel, Meagher, David, and Terry Martin. Gender Influences on Grieving Styles gender_influences.htm (January 19, 2004).